That Girl (1966–1971): Season 3, Episode 20 - There Was a Time Ann Met a Pie Man - full transcript
Ann goes to an audition not knowing what the part is. Regardless, she gets the job, it a small part in a television show. The producer, Hal Grissom, was looking for a specific type: beautiful, classy and elegant. Ann is delighted when she learns that she will get to wear expensive gowns, and be bedecked in real diamonds. She is equally happy to hear that her entrance is a grand magnificent one down a regal spiral staircase. She is less enthralled to learn that the part also requires her to get hit in the face with a pie when she reaches the bottom of the staircase. Ann is torn about accepting the job. On the one hand, she needs the money, and the job is a lucrative $500 one. On the other hand, she feels it is degrading. The money side wins. After doing the part, Ann feels so embarrassed and humiliated that she doesn't ever want to show her face in public again. She also feels that whatever exposure she gets for the work will now diminish her chances for getting what she considers serious and legitimate acting roles. The reaction from friends and family to the broadcast makes Ann just as sure that she doesn't want to recreate the role when Grissom calls her back for his option on her. In discussing the issue with Grissom, will anything he says make her change her mind?
Good?
What a face. What a figure.
No class.
Next. Thank you, miss.
Argue with that. 36-22-34.
No argument. Also no class.
Uh, thank you, miss.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very
much. Thank you, miss.
Just step lively. That's it.
Uh... uh, hold it. Hold it.
Uh, you, miss. Would you
mind walking back, please?
Oh, no. Not at all.
What do you think?
She looks like a nice kid.
Mm-hmm. Class. What's her name?
Ann Marie.
Uh, dismiss the rest of 'em.
Uh, Miss Marie.
Yes?
Well, well.
Does that mean I got the job?
You're exactly what
we're looking for.
Oh! How exciting.
My agent told me
just to come over.
He didn't tell me
what the job was.
Is it an important part?
Important? Are you kidding?
I've looked at over 200 girls.
Oh, that's very flattering.
What kind of character is it?
Well, she's rich,
very sophisticated,
very chic woman.
Oh, how marvelous.
Now, when we first see you,
you're about to make an entrance
down a beautiful,
40-foot stairway,
wearing this gorgeous,
beautiful evening gown,
which must cost in the
neighborhood of $3000 or $4000.
That's some neighborhood.
And diamonds...
The real stuff from Cartier's.
Earrings down to here.
A tiara up to here.
$200,000 worth.
$200,000! Oh, I'll
feel like a princess.
I mean, one who has money.
[chuckles] You like it?
Like it? I love it.
[chuckles]
Well... That's her.
She's the one we hit
in the face with a pie.
♪♪ [theme song]
[phone rings]
[Ann] Oh, Donald,
will you get that?
Okay.
Hello?
It's Mr. Newman, your cleaner.
Oh, my hands are
full. What does he say?
Uh, she's got her hands
full. What do you say?
She shouldn't.
Okay, I'll tell her. Bye-bye.
He said you shouldn't.
Hmm, I thought he would.
That makes two "you
shoulds," three "you shouldn'ts,"
and one "no opinion"
since I got here.
Are you thinking about running
for Congress or something?
No, it's nothing.
It's something. Italian tonight.
Well, it's only
salad and ravioli.
That means you have a problem.
[chuckles] Oh, Donald.
Do I have to have a problem
to make you a nice dinner?
Suppose I just
thought it'd be nice
to have a pleasant
meal together.
You know I love to cook.
Maybe I only wanted to cook.
Do you have a problem?
Yes, I have a problem.
It's a professional
problem, right?
Why does it have to be
a professional problem?
Italian means a
professional problem.
Chicken means
a financial crisis.
And grilled cheese
or bacon and eggs
means you had a
fight with your father.
You really think you've got
me down to a tee, don't you?
It is a professional problem.
Right. See?
Well, okay.
Well, why do you have
to be in such a hurry
to find out what's bothering me?
I mean, you're always
taking all the fun out of misery.
You always take the
garbanzo beans out of the salad,
I never complain.
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
Here.
I was offered a TV
part this afternoon.
Small part?
Important part.
Small part.
I play a very beautiful, a
very chic, a very rich woman.
And I have a great entrance.
And I come out wearing
this fabulous long gown.
It costs like $3000 or $4000.
Well, that's great. Yeah.
And I wear a lot of
diamonds, Donald.
Real diamonds. Hundreds of
thousands of dollars' worth. Uh-huh.
And I come down this
fabulous, long staircase.
40 steps.
Real slow.
And then, there's
music behind it,
and violins, and things.
Beautiful.
And then when I get to
the bottom of the steps,
I just stand there all...
all beautiful and
everything, and... and...
they hit me with a pie.
[laughs]
That's funny!
Yeah, I guess it is.
I mean, all elegant
and dripping with...
you know, the diamonds.
And then coming
down the long step.
And the music,
and... Boom. [laughs]
Yeah. [laughs]
And then...
I just don't know whether I
want to do it or not, though.
Now I know why all the
precincts were calling in.
Well, it's just that I feel...
I feel sort of strange about it.
I mean, is that the right
thing for an actress to do?
What do you think?
Well, honey, it's hard to say.
Well, it's even
harder for me to say.
I don't know, I just can't
be objective about it.
Oh, Donald, I want your opinion.
All right.
Of course, I could probably
make $100 to $150 for this show.
You'd ask, "Do I
need the money?"
I need the money.
But how badly do
I need the money?
That's a very good question.
I need the money very badly.
But, getting a pie in the face
is not exactly
getting a starring role
opposite Paul Newman, is it?
No, it's degrading.
But, it's not the worst thing.
I mean, I get a good laugh
and who knows, it
could lead to other things.
Better things.
"What other, better
things?" you'd ask, right?
Okay, no other better things.
But it could give me some money
to wait for some other
better things to come along.
So the whole thing comes
down to two things, I guess.
Money or pride.
And you think pride
is more important.
And I agree with you.
Oh, Donald. I so appreciate your
being this honest with me about it.
Well, you wanted my opinion.
And I respect it, too.
In fact, I'm gonna
call Seymour right now
and tell him to turn it down.
Because pride and integrity
are above all. [phone rings]
Hello?
Oh, Seymour, hi. I was
just going to call you.
Well, about that show. They
want to hit me with the pie.
$500?
Just for getting hit with a pie?
How could you accept, Seymour?
Well, what about my integrity?
Well, what about my pride?
Well, all right. I
can't argue that.
Well, all right. I have
to agree with that.
Yes, Seymour.
Yes, Seymour.
Yes, Seymour.
Boy, that man just won't
take "no" for an answer.
He said I was being unrealistic.
And I suppose deep down in
your heart, you agree with him.
That's what you're thinking,
and I suppose I can't blame you.
All right, I'll do it.
Donald, I really do appreciate
your being so honest with me.
Well, you wanted my opinion.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Honey, I told you
a million times.
Don't call me at work!
Thank you. [Man] Miss Marie?
Oh, I'm coming.
Donald, there's just one
more blackout and then me.
Well, good luck.
Oh, there you are.
Oh!
I couldn't find my
hot water bottle.
[laughs]
[laughter and applause]
Oh!
Beautiful, sweetheart!
Oh!
Wait, wait just a minute.
Here, wait. Here they are.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Can I have the gloves, please?
Can I please have this glove?
Yes. Ugh.
Ugh.
That was the most awful,
humiliating, degrading,
terrible thing that's
ever happened to me.
Come on, honey. Oh, Donald.
That was the most awful,
terrible, degrading,
humiliating, miserable thing.
You said that. I did not.
I added miserable.
Look at me. I'm looking.
Well, stop looking. I don't
want you to see me like this.
Okay, I'm not looking.
Oh, Donald, I'll never show
my face on Broadway again.
Honey, the whole thing was
on the screen for half a second.
It took two seconds. Oh, Donald,
what have I done to myself?
Nothing. You're an actress.
All you did was play a part.
Don't try to soothe
your conscience.
What has my conscience
got to do with it?
It's your fault. You
could've stopped them.
Hamlet never would have
allowed them to do that to Portia.
They weren't in the same play.
If he loved her enough,
that wouldn't have mattered.
[doorbell buzzes]
[doorbell buzzes]
Who is it?
[Donald] It's Don.
What are you doing here?
Honey, you called
me 20 minutes ago
and begged me to come
over. Ooh, come in. Quickly.
Why the sunglasses?
I'm so ashamed. But
you're in your own apartment.
Well, I'm ashamed here, too.
Oh, I feel just terrible.
Please stay with me all day.
You will stay with
me all day, won't you?
Honey, I've got work to do.
Well, if you're not gonna
stay, why'd you come?
Because you said you'd do
something drastic if I didn't.
Well, you're too
late. I already did it.
You're kidding. No, and
I'm so sick to my stomach.
What did you take? About
30 chocolate chip cookies.
Ann.
And a frozen pizza
and two bananas.
I told you I was desperate.
Oh, it's a miracle
you're still alive.
Donald, what am I gonna do?
Forget about it,
honey. It's all over with.
[phone ringing] See, it is not.
Do you know how many
calls I've had today?
Honey, the phone is ringing.
Well, I'm not gonna answer it.
Donald, practically
everybody in the entire world
watched that show.
[ringing continues]
Honey... Donald, don't you dare!
[ringing stops]
There, it stopped.
Okay. Honey, I gotta
get back to work.
Oh, please stay a little.
All right. Two minutes. Okay.
I don't want to become
a big star anymore.
It's okay with me.
It's not too late to start over.
I wouldn't say so, no.
No. There are
other things I can do.
You could.
Like what?
Well, you could sell things.
What sort of things?
I don't know. You have
a wide variety of choice.
For example?
How about needles?
Needles? For sewing.
I know what they're for. Well...
Well, Donald, why would a woman
who's devoted practically
her whole life to the theater
want a career selling needles?
You're not making
very much sense.
You're feeling better.
Where are you going?
Back to work. At the moment,
I am still vitally interested
in the preservation
of my own career.
What'll I do if the phone rings?
Don't answer it. Well, I have no
willpower when you're not here.
Honey, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
You promise? I promise.
Okay. Nothing's
changed between us.
Not a thing.
[Woman] Ann! Ann!
I'm still laughing!
See. Honey, now look.
Get ahold of yourself
and stay out of the kitchen.
I gather you saw the show.
At first, we didn't
know it was you.
Yeah, I'll bet a lot of
people didn't recognize me.
Not until the whole screen
was just your face. Oh.
Even if I didn't know you,
I would know it was you.
Mr. Brentano said of all
the parts that you ever took,
this was the best.
Oh, well thank
Mr. Brentano for me.
Everyone else in the
building says so, too.
Everybody else in the
building saw that show?
Whoever missed it, we
told them this morning.
You didn't!
Oh, don't thank me, Ann.
You gave me pleasure.
[doorbell buzzes]
[doorbell buzzes]
Oh, Daddy.
Good morning. Morning.
You remember Mrs.
Brentano, my landlady.
I've had the pleasure.
Likewise.
Well, I don't want to
interrupt you anymore.
If you need anything,
just bang on the radiator.
And, wha!
Why are you looking
at me like that, Daddy?
What makes you
think I'm looking at you?
Well, I can't tell for sure,
but your head is pointed at me.
I'm staring into
space, wondering.
About what?
About what's happened to you.
You saw the show.
Of course I saw the show.
I've never worn a pair of
smoked glasses in my life.
My bridge club happened to
meet at our house last night.
You know what that means?
Some of the finest minds in Brewster
also happened to see the show.
I, uh, made some fresh coffee.
Why would you
do a thing like that?
I always make fresh coffee.
I don't want any coffee. Tea?
Just give me one good reason.
Well, tea is invigorating.
Will you stop that? All I
want is an explanation.
Everyone is laughing at you.
Oh, Daddy, that's
not the worst thing
that can happen to an actor.
Charlie Chaplin's father
would've been tickled to death.
Charlie Chaplin's father doesn't
own a restaurant in Brewster.
Okay, for that I'm sorry.
But not for getting
hit with a pie.
All the great stars
have been hit with pies.
It's practically an obligation.
Obligation to whom?
To tradition.
Everybody's been hit with pies.
Wallace Beery, Clark Gable...
Carole Lombard got
hit twice in one picture.
I can just imagine
how her father felt.
Oh, Daddy, you can't
take this so personally.
You've got to understand.
When you see me, you're
not seeing me, your daughter,
you're seeing me an actress,
playing whatever role she must.
It's as if there were
10, 20, 100 me's.
Must all of you
get hit with pies?
Of course not. I'm not gonna
spend the rest of my life doing it.
It's just that a good actress has
to be prepared to do everything.
I even expect to
get killed someday.
Better dead than humiliated.
[phone rings]
See, there's more proof.
Everybody saw it,
everybody laughed,
and everybody's been calling
to tell me how much they liked it.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Seymour.
It's my agent.
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Yes, Seymour.
Well, uh, look.
I know they have an option
on me to do the show again,
but I don't want to
do the show again.
Well, Seymour... Seymour?
Seymour, could
you just listen a little?
Well, even though
being on that show
gave me the experience
of an unusual moment,
I don't want to be typecast.
No, no. You don't have
to explain to Mr. Grissom.
I'd like to explain myself.
Well, I don't want him
to think I'm ungrateful.
Don't worry, Seymour.
You don't have to understand.
Just so Mr. Grissom understands.
Okay. Thank you.
Bye.
You're going to turn them down?
I am.
I don't want to be responsible
for your having to go
around for the rest of your life
wearing smoked glasses.
[Donald] I still
don't understand
why you don't let
your agent tell him.
You pay him ten
percent for something.
Well, it's only fair. When
you're not gonna do something,
he gets ten percent of nothing,
so you do something yourself.
Like me going to see
Mr. Grissom personally.
[chuckles] Why do I have
to see him personally?
'Cause I need you
for moral support
when I have to explain
this to him face to face.
I don't want him to
think I'm an ingrate
when I turn this job down.
You know, all it
takes is one little thing,
and a producer can
turn you off just like that.
I thought he only
did this one show.
Well, that's now. But in
television, you never know.
This year he's doing comedy,
next year he could
be doing tragedy,
like... [chuckles]
Like the news?
Donald, will you be serious?
And I don't care if it
leads to another job or not.
I'm gonna tell him
this personally.
Now, listen. You be careful.
You bring any real
honesty into this business,
they may never forgive you.
Donald, you may not realize it,
but you sound like a cynic.
Oh, these are
beautiful, Freddie.
Just great,
sweetheart. [chuckles]
But I want you to make the fun
house mirror a little bit bigger.
That way, everybody'll think
their crooked shape is in the mirror.
[laughs] And when their
crooked shape walks away...
it'll be a scream.
There she is.
Little Miss Class herself.
How are you, sweetheart?
Just fine, thank you.
You're the boyfriend, huh?
Don Hollinger. Hal Grissom.
How do you do, sir?
How do you do, sir? Oh,
class goes with class, huh?
Listen, sweetie, the
reason I called you...
I know, and believe
me, Mr. Grissom.
I really appreciate it when
someone does something nice for me.
And, well, I don't want
you to think I'm an ingrate.
But I just can't take that part.
Oh... What's an ingrate?
Someone who's ungrateful.
Oh, well, we're up to our
ears in them, huh? [laughs]
Now, about the job. Didn't
you talk to your agent?
This morning. You
see, once was all right.
But to keep going on
and doing it over and over.
Not since this morning?
No, not since then.
Look, kid, the reason
I called him back
and told him that I
wanted to see you
was to explain that the
sponsor loved the bit.
Oh, I'm glad to
hear that. I really am.
But it doesn't change my mind.
And I don't want you to
think it's a matter of money
because it isn't.
It's a matter of...
Well, I just couldn't
consider it for a moment.
What do you call somebody who
won't let you finish a sentence?
A woman.
Oh, yeah. How could I forget?
I'm sorry. It's just
that I want to be sure
you really understand.
It's a matter of... of growth.
You got a growth?
Actress growth.
Oh! I see.
Well, anyway, I'm
glad you feel that way.
You are? Why are you?
Well because, like
I started to tell you,
the sponsor loved the bit.
But, and you can't ignore
a "but" from a sponsor...
But what?
He wants big stars to
take the pie in the face.
Big stars?
That's why I called you.
We've got Julie Andrews
lined up for our next show.
Julie Andrews.
Oh, she'd never allow
you to hit her with a pie.
Are you kidding?
She insisted on two.
And for the show after that,
we've got Audrey Hepburn.
But that's not fair!
What's not fair?
I mean, after all,
this is my trademark.
Donald, that's not fair.
Well, honey, you'd already
decided not to do it anyway.
That's beside the point.
It was just plagiarism.
Uh, what does that mean?
That's when someone
steals something you write.
Honey, people have
been taking pies in the face
since the days of the caveman.
Oh, Mr. Grissom, do you
think you've let the sponsors
make the right
decision by using stars?
I mean, after all, just
because you're a star
doesn't necessarily mean
you know how to take a pie.
So we get 'em a
pie-taker teacher.
But you've got a
proven commodity in me.
Not that I'm entirely
enthusiastic about it.
I mean, I have a lot
of re-evaluating to do.
There are still pros and cons.
This is not exactly the
career that I had planned for.
So why don't you
go into politics, huh?
Listen, with her gift of gab...
[Ann] Of course, I
guess I could go on
doing this bit for years
and it wouldn't bother me.
Even though I am a
pretty good actress,
and there are other parts
in plays I'd love to do.
Is she slowing down or is
she just getting up steam?
Definitely slowing.
Taking everything into account.
I don't think I'd be happy
spending the rest of my life
taking a pie in the face.
I think I'd rather sell needles.
Needles?
What kind of needles?
Hypothetical needles.
Now, honey, take it easy.
Now, don't start fooling
around with that junk.
Something else'll turn up.
Don't worry,
Mr. Grissom. She won't.
Thank you for a
very interesting week.
You're entirely welcome.
[laughs] You've
got a nice, but...
lady. You're a very lucky man.
I'm the one that's lucky.
He's not only handsome,
he's very smart.
He makes all my decisions
and does all my talking for me.
Thank you, Donald.
Well, you wanted my opinion.
I hope you don't
mind cinnamon toast.
But I just couldn't bring
myself to go near a bakery.
Perfectly understandable.
I suppose so.
What do you mean,
"I suppose so?"
I mean, looking at it
from your point of view.
You sound disappointed
I'm not doing it again.
I thought you'd be thrilled.
I am.
In spite of the fact that
the day after the show,
I did the best business
since I opened the restaurant.
Everybody came in to
needle me, and stayed to eat.
I'm sorry. That's okay, honey.
I just have to wait until you
become a big star to get rich.
I appreciate that.
You know, I had some
fleeting fame myself.
This morning, the
Chinese laundry
said I didn't need a
ticket for my shirts.
Oh, good. Of course, I
didn't get my shirts, either.
Well, I don't feel bad at all.
In fact, I feel terrific.
How many actresses do you know
that lost out to Julie Andrews
and Audrey Hepburn?
And let us not forget,
I created the part.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
What a face. What a figure.
No class.
Next. Thank you, miss.
Argue with that. 36-22-34.
No argument. Also no class.
Uh, thank you, miss.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very
much. Thank you, miss.
Just step lively. That's it.
Uh... uh, hold it. Hold it.
Uh, you, miss. Would you
mind walking back, please?
Oh, no. Not at all.
What do you think?
She looks like a nice kid.
Mm-hmm. Class. What's her name?
Ann Marie.
Uh, dismiss the rest of 'em.
Uh, Miss Marie.
Yes?
Well, well.
Does that mean I got the job?
You're exactly what
we're looking for.
Oh! How exciting.
My agent told me
just to come over.
He didn't tell me
what the job was.
Is it an important part?
Important? Are you kidding?
I've looked at over 200 girls.
Oh, that's very flattering.
What kind of character is it?
Well, she's rich,
very sophisticated,
very chic woman.
Oh, how marvelous.
Now, when we first see you,
you're about to make an entrance
down a beautiful,
40-foot stairway,
wearing this gorgeous,
beautiful evening gown,
which must cost in the
neighborhood of $3000 or $4000.
That's some neighborhood.
And diamonds...
The real stuff from Cartier's.
Earrings down to here.
A tiara up to here.
$200,000 worth.
$200,000! Oh, I'll
feel like a princess.
I mean, one who has money.
[chuckles] You like it?
Like it? I love it.
[chuckles]
Well... That's her.
She's the one we hit
in the face with a pie.
♪♪ [theme song]
[phone rings]
[Ann] Oh, Donald,
will you get that?
Okay.
Hello?
It's Mr. Newman, your cleaner.
Oh, my hands are
full. What does he say?
Uh, she's got her hands
full. What do you say?
She shouldn't.
Okay, I'll tell her. Bye-bye.
He said you shouldn't.
Hmm, I thought he would.
That makes two "you
shoulds," three "you shouldn'ts,"
and one "no opinion"
since I got here.
Are you thinking about running
for Congress or something?
No, it's nothing.
It's something. Italian tonight.
Well, it's only
salad and ravioli.
That means you have a problem.
[chuckles] Oh, Donald.
Do I have to have a problem
to make you a nice dinner?
Suppose I just
thought it'd be nice
to have a pleasant
meal together.
You know I love to cook.
Maybe I only wanted to cook.
Do you have a problem?
Yes, I have a problem.
It's a professional
problem, right?
Why does it have to be
a professional problem?
Italian means a
professional problem.
Chicken means
a financial crisis.
And grilled cheese
or bacon and eggs
means you had a
fight with your father.
You really think you've got
me down to a tee, don't you?
It is a professional problem.
Right. See?
Well, okay.
Well, why do you have
to be in such a hurry
to find out what's bothering me?
I mean, you're always
taking all the fun out of misery.
You always take the
garbanzo beans out of the salad,
I never complain.
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
Here.
I was offered a TV
part this afternoon.
Small part?
Important part.
Small part.
I play a very beautiful, a
very chic, a very rich woman.
And I have a great entrance.
And I come out wearing
this fabulous long gown.
It costs like $3000 or $4000.
Well, that's great. Yeah.
And I wear a lot of
diamonds, Donald.
Real diamonds. Hundreds of
thousands of dollars' worth. Uh-huh.
And I come down this
fabulous, long staircase.
40 steps.
Real slow.
And then, there's
music behind it,
and violins, and things.
Beautiful.
And then when I get to
the bottom of the steps,
I just stand there all...
all beautiful and
everything, and... and...
they hit me with a pie.
[laughs]
That's funny!
Yeah, I guess it is.
I mean, all elegant
and dripping with...
you know, the diamonds.
And then coming
down the long step.
And the music,
and... Boom. [laughs]
Yeah. [laughs]
And then...
I just don't know whether I
want to do it or not, though.
Now I know why all the
precincts were calling in.
Well, it's just that I feel...
I feel sort of strange about it.
I mean, is that the right
thing for an actress to do?
What do you think?
Well, honey, it's hard to say.
Well, it's even
harder for me to say.
I don't know, I just can't
be objective about it.
Oh, Donald, I want your opinion.
All right.
Of course, I could probably
make $100 to $150 for this show.
You'd ask, "Do I
need the money?"
I need the money.
But how badly do
I need the money?
That's a very good question.
I need the money very badly.
But, getting a pie in the face
is not exactly
getting a starring role
opposite Paul Newman, is it?
No, it's degrading.
But, it's not the worst thing.
I mean, I get a good laugh
and who knows, it
could lead to other things.
Better things.
"What other, better
things?" you'd ask, right?
Okay, no other better things.
But it could give me some money
to wait for some other
better things to come along.
So the whole thing comes
down to two things, I guess.
Money or pride.
And you think pride
is more important.
And I agree with you.
Oh, Donald. I so appreciate your
being this honest with me about it.
Well, you wanted my opinion.
And I respect it, too.
In fact, I'm gonna
call Seymour right now
and tell him to turn it down.
Because pride and integrity
are above all. [phone rings]
Hello?
Oh, Seymour, hi. I was
just going to call you.
Well, about that show. They
want to hit me with the pie.
$500?
Just for getting hit with a pie?
How could you accept, Seymour?
Well, what about my integrity?
Well, what about my pride?
Well, all right. I
can't argue that.
Well, all right. I have
to agree with that.
Yes, Seymour.
Yes, Seymour.
Yes, Seymour.
Boy, that man just won't
take "no" for an answer.
He said I was being unrealistic.
And I suppose deep down in
your heart, you agree with him.
That's what you're thinking,
and I suppose I can't blame you.
All right, I'll do it.
Donald, I really do appreciate
your being so honest with me.
Well, you wanted my opinion.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Honey, I told you
a million times.
Don't call me at work!
Thank you. [Man] Miss Marie?
Oh, I'm coming.
Donald, there's just one
more blackout and then me.
Well, good luck.
Oh, there you are.
Oh!
I couldn't find my
hot water bottle.
[laughs]
[laughter and applause]
Oh!
Beautiful, sweetheart!
Oh!
Wait, wait just a minute.
Here, wait. Here they are.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Can I have the gloves, please?
Can I please have this glove?
Yes. Ugh.
Ugh.
That was the most awful,
humiliating, degrading,
terrible thing that's
ever happened to me.
Come on, honey. Oh, Donald.
That was the most awful,
terrible, degrading,
humiliating, miserable thing.
You said that. I did not.
I added miserable.
Look at me. I'm looking.
Well, stop looking. I don't
want you to see me like this.
Okay, I'm not looking.
Oh, Donald, I'll never show
my face on Broadway again.
Honey, the whole thing was
on the screen for half a second.
It took two seconds. Oh, Donald,
what have I done to myself?
Nothing. You're an actress.
All you did was play a part.
Don't try to soothe
your conscience.
What has my conscience
got to do with it?
It's your fault. You
could've stopped them.
Hamlet never would have
allowed them to do that to Portia.
They weren't in the same play.
If he loved her enough,
that wouldn't have mattered.
[doorbell buzzes]
[doorbell buzzes]
Who is it?
[Donald] It's Don.
What are you doing here?
Honey, you called
me 20 minutes ago
and begged me to come
over. Ooh, come in. Quickly.
Why the sunglasses?
I'm so ashamed. But
you're in your own apartment.
Well, I'm ashamed here, too.
Oh, I feel just terrible.
Please stay with me all day.
You will stay with
me all day, won't you?
Honey, I've got work to do.
Well, if you're not gonna
stay, why'd you come?
Because you said you'd do
something drastic if I didn't.
Well, you're too
late. I already did it.
You're kidding. No, and
I'm so sick to my stomach.
What did you take? About
30 chocolate chip cookies.
Ann.
And a frozen pizza
and two bananas.
I told you I was desperate.
Oh, it's a miracle
you're still alive.
Donald, what am I gonna do?
Forget about it,
honey. It's all over with.
[phone ringing] See, it is not.
Do you know how many
calls I've had today?
Honey, the phone is ringing.
Well, I'm not gonna answer it.
Donald, practically
everybody in the entire world
watched that show.
[ringing continues]
Honey... Donald, don't you dare!
[ringing stops]
There, it stopped.
Okay. Honey, I gotta
get back to work.
Oh, please stay a little.
All right. Two minutes. Okay.
I don't want to become
a big star anymore.
It's okay with me.
It's not too late to start over.
I wouldn't say so, no.
No. There are
other things I can do.
You could.
Like what?
Well, you could sell things.
What sort of things?
I don't know. You have
a wide variety of choice.
For example?
How about needles?
Needles? For sewing.
I know what they're for. Well...
Well, Donald, why would a woman
who's devoted practically
her whole life to the theater
want a career selling needles?
You're not making
very much sense.
You're feeling better.
Where are you going?
Back to work. At the moment,
I am still vitally interested
in the preservation
of my own career.
What'll I do if the phone rings?
Don't answer it. Well, I have no
willpower when you're not here.
Honey, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
You promise? I promise.
Okay. Nothing's
changed between us.
Not a thing.
[Woman] Ann! Ann!
I'm still laughing!
See. Honey, now look.
Get ahold of yourself
and stay out of the kitchen.
I gather you saw the show.
At first, we didn't
know it was you.
Yeah, I'll bet a lot of
people didn't recognize me.
Not until the whole screen
was just your face. Oh.
Even if I didn't know you,
I would know it was you.
Mr. Brentano said of all
the parts that you ever took,
this was the best.
Oh, well thank
Mr. Brentano for me.
Everyone else in the
building says so, too.
Everybody else in the
building saw that show?
Whoever missed it, we
told them this morning.
You didn't!
Oh, don't thank me, Ann.
You gave me pleasure.
[doorbell buzzes]
[doorbell buzzes]
Oh, Daddy.
Good morning. Morning.
You remember Mrs.
Brentano, my landlady.
I've had the pleasure.
Likewise.
Well, I don't want to
interrupt you anymore.
If you need anything,
just bang on the radiator.
And, wha!
Why are you looking
at me like that, Daddy?
What makes you
think I'm looking at you?
Well, I can't tell for sure,
but your head is pointed at me.
I'm staring into
space, wondering.
About what?
About what's happened to you.
You saw the show.
Of course I saw the show.
I've never worn a pair of
smoked glasses in my life.
My bridge club happened to
meet at our house last night.
You know what that means?
Some of the finest minds in Brewster
also happened to see the show.
I, uh, made some fresh coffee.
Why would you
do a thing like that?
I always make fresh coffee.
I don't want any coffee. Tea?
Just give me one good reason.
Well, tea is invigorating.
Will you stop that? All I
want is an explanation.
Everyone is laughing at you.
Oh, Daddy, that's
not the worst thing
that can happen to an actor.
Charlie Chaplin's father
would've been tickled to death.
Charlie Chaplin's father doesn't
own a restaurant in Brewster.
Okay, for that I'm sorry.
But not for getting
hit with a pie.
All the great stars
have been hit with pies.
It's practically an obligation.
Obligation to whom?
To tradition.
Everybody's been hit with pies.
Wallace Beery, Clark Gable...
Carole Lombard got
hit twice in one picture.
I can just imagine
how her father felt.
Oh, Daddy, you can't
take this so personally.
You've got to understand.
When you see me, you're
not seeing me, your daughter,
you're seeing me an actress,
playing whatever role she must.
It's as if there were
10, 20, 100 me's.
Must all of you
get hit with pies?
Of course not. I'm not gonna
spend the rest of my life doing it.
It's just that a good actress has
to be prepared to do everything.
I even expect to
get killed someday.
Better dead than humiliated.
[phone rings]
See, there's more proof.
Everybody saw it,
everybody laughed,
and everybody's been calling
to tell me how much they liked it.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Seymour.
It's my agent.
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Yes, Seymour.
Well, uh, look.
I know they have an option
on me to do the show again,
but I don't want to
do the show again.
Well, Seymour... Seymour?
Seymour, could
you just listen a little?
Well, even though
being on that show
gave me the experience
of an unusual moment,
I don't want to be typecast.
No, no. You don't have
to explain to Mr. Grissom.
I'd like to explain myself.
Well, I don't want him
to think I'm ungrateful.
Don't worry, Seymour.
You don't have to understand.
Just so Mr. Grissom understands.
Okay. Thank you.
Bye.
You're going to turn them down?
I am.
I don't want to be responsible
for your having to go
around for the rest of your life
wearing smoked glasses.
[Donald] I still
don't understand
why you don't let
your agent tell him.
You pay him ten
percent for something.
Well, it's only fair. When
you're not gonna do something,
he gets ten percent of nothing,
so you do something yourself.
Like me going to see
Mr. Grissom personally.
[chuckles] Why do I have
to see him personally?
'Cause I need you
for moral support
when I have to explain
this to him face to face.
I don't want him to
think I'm an ingrate
when I turn this job down.
You know, all it
takes is one little thing,
and a producer can
turn you off just like that.
I thought he only
did this one show.
Well, that's now. But in
television, you never know.
This year he's doing comedy,
next year he could
be doing tragedy,
like... [chuckles]
Like the news?
Donald, will you be serious?
And I don't care if it
leads to another job or not.
I'm gonna tell him
this personally.
Now, listen. You be careful.
You bring any real
honesty into this business,
they may never forgive you.
Donald, you may not realize it,
but you sound like a cynic.
Oh, these are
beautiful, Freddie.
Just great,
sweetheart. [chuckles]
But I want you to make the fun
house mirror a little bit bigger.
That way, everybody'll think
their crooked shape is in the mirror.
[laughs] And when their
crooked shape walks away...
it'll be a scream.
There she is.
Little Miss Class herself.
How are you, sweetheart?
Just fine, thank you.
You're the boyfriend, huh?
Don Hollinger. Hal Grissom.
How do you do, sir?
How do you do, sir? Oh,
class goes with class, huh?
Listen, sweetie, the
reason I called you...
I know, and believe
me, Mr. Grissom.
I really appreciate it when
someone does something nice for me.
And, well, I don't want
you to think I'm an ingrate.
But I just can't take that part.
Oh... What's an ingrate?
Someone who's ungrateful.
Oh, well, we're up to our
ears in them, huh? [laughs]
Now, about the job. Didn't
you talk to your agent?
This morning. You
see, once was all right.
But to keep going on
and doing it over and over.
Not since this morning?
No, not since then.
Look, kid, the reason
I called him back
and told him that I
wanted to see you
was to explain that the
sponsor loved the bit.
Oh, I'm glad to
hear that. I really am.
But it doesn't change my mind.
And I don't want you to
think it's a matter of money
because it isn't.
It's a matter of...
Well, I just couldn't
consider it for a moment.
What do you call somebody who
won't let you finish a sentence?
A woman.
Oh, yeah. How could I forget?
I'm sorry. It's just
that I want to be sure
you really understand.
It's a matter of... of growth.
You got a growth?
Actress growth.
Oh! I see.
Well, anyway, I'm
glad you feel that way.
You are? Why are you?
Well because, like
I started to tell you,
the sponsor loved the bit.
But, and you can't ignore
a "but" from a sponsor...
But what?
He wants big stars to
take the pie in the face.
Big stars?
That's why I called you.
We've got Julie Andrews
lined up for our next show.
Julie Andrews.
Oh, she'd never allow
you to hit her with a pie.
Are you kidding?
She insisted on two.
And for the show after that,
we've got Audrey Hepburn.
But that's not fair!
What's not fair?
I mean, after all,
this is my trademark.
Donald, that's not fair.
Well, honey, you'd already
decided not to do it anyway.
That's beside the point.
It was just plagiarism.
Uh, what does that mean?
That's when someone
steals something you write.
Honey, people have
been taking pies in the face
since the days of the caveman.
Oh, Mr. Grissom, do you
think you've let the sponsors
make the right
decision by using stars?
I mean, after all, just
because you're a star
doesn't necessarily mean
you know how to take a pie.
So we get 'em a
pie-taker teacher.
But you've got a
proven commodity in me.
Not that I'm entirely
enthusiastic about it.
I mean, I have a lot
of re-evaluating to do.
There are still pros and cons.
This is not exactly the
career that I had planned for.
So why don't you
go into politics, huh?
Listen, with her gift of gab...
[Ann] Of course, I
guess I could go on
doing this bit for years
and it wouldn't bother me.
Even though I am a
pretty good actress,
and there are other parts
in plays I'd love to do.
Is she slowing down or is
she just getting up steam?
Definitely slowing.
Taking everything into account.
I don't think I'd be happy
spending the rest of my life
taking a pie in the face.
I think I'd rather sell needles.
Needles?
What kind of needles?
Hypothetical needles.
Now, honey, take it easy.
Now, don't start fooling
around with that junk.
Something else'll turn up.
Don't worry,
Mr. Grissom. She won't.
Thank you for a
very interesting week.
You're entirely welcome.
[laughs] You've
got a nice, but...
lady. You're a very lucky man.
I'm the one that's lucky.
He's not only handsome,
he's very smart.
He makes all my decisions
and does all my talking for me.
Thank you, Donald.
Well, you wanted my opinion.
I hope you don't
mind cinnamon toast.
But I just couldn't bring
myself to go near a bakery.
Perfectly understandable.
I suppose so.
What do you mean,
"I suppose so?"
I mean, looking at it
from your point of view.
You sound disappointed
I'm not doing it again.
I thought you'd be thrilled.
I am.
In spite of the fact that
the day after the show,
I did the best business
since I opened the restaurant.
Everybody came in to
needle me, and stayed to eat.
I'm sorry. That's okay, honey.
I just have to wait until you
become a big star to get rich.
I appreciate that.
You know, I had some
fleeting fame myself.
This morning, the
Chinese laundry
said I didn't need a
ticket for my shirts.
Oh, good. Of course, I
didn't get my shirts, either.
Well, I don't feel bad at all.
In fact, I feel terrific.
How many actresses do you know
that lost out to Julie Andrews
and Audrey Hepburn?
And let us not forget,
I created the part.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA