That Girl (1966–1971): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Homewrecker and the Window Washer - full transcript

Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

That's nice.

All you kids! Smart alecks!

Listen! I said I'm sorry! Now
would you let go of my arm!

You got no respect! You think you can go
around busting into people, and it's okay!

Excuse me. You know,
this really wasn't a case

of my just running into
you. I mean, you helped.

You ran into me, too.

The half that was
my fault, I apologize.

So what, you apologize?
What about my jacket?



There's no accounting for taste.

You'll pay for my jacket.

Excuse me, sir. The
young lady asked

that you relinquish her arm.

Oh, that's all right.
I'm fine. Thank you.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I'm afraid I must insist.

Relinquish her arm.

You want trouble, wise guy?

It is my duty to warn you

that I am conversant in
the arts of judo and karate.

And under the
law, I have every...

[screams] Oh, my gosh!

You terrible person!



Oh, sir, are you all right?

What's the matter with you, you crazy
person? The nerve of some people.

Oh, sir, let me help
you to your feet.

He didn't let me finish!

Are you all right?

Um... I'll be all right.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

He doesn't realize
how close he came

to being seriously overpowered.

Oh, I know you could
have immobilized him.

But he didn't let me finish!

Excuse me. One...
one side, please.

Oh.

You the guy
that's been fightin'?

Officer, punching is fighting.

Being punched is not fighting.

Well, what happened?

Well, there was this commotion.

And I saw this small
crowd, standing around

this big guy making a
lot of noise about nothing.

And he was holding her
arm, and he wouldn't let go,

and nobody was helping her.

[sniffling] So I said to myself,

"Rudy Clarn, it looks
like it's gonna be up to you

to go rescue that girl."

♪♪ [theme]

[knocking on door]

[gasps]

Rudy! My Rudy! My Rudy!

Calm down, Ethel. I'm hurt.

Oh! I can't stand it! Sit
down, darling. Put your feet up.

You want something
cold to drink?

Please, Ethel. I'm sick.

Look what they do
to a beautiful person!

Say hello to Ann Marie.

What Ann Marie? Who's Ann Marie?

That's me, Mrs. Clarn.
I'm afraid it was all my fault.

Why don't you look
where you're driving?

No, you see, what happened
was, this man was bothering me,

and he wouldn't let me go, but...
Well, if it wasn't for your husband,

I mean, he was just wonderful.

Of course, wonderful.
How could he be otherwise?

I mean, everybody else was just standing
around, watching me be manhandled.

But not your husband. I
mean, he had so much courage.

He just got right up
and helped me out.

You picked out a man.

She didn't pick me, Ethel.

No, I didn't pick him.

He just offered to help you out.

That's right.

You weren't
immediately attracted.

Please, Ethel. The girl
didn't mean anything.

She didn't do anything.

It was just one of those things.

Sure, sure. Just one of those things
that happened, across a crowded room.

Not a room. A lobby.

Look. I'm... I'm very sorry. I
don't know what else to say,

except that when we
were at the doctor's office,

I told him to send
me a copy of the bill.

So... So don't worry.
I'll pay you back.

Disfigurement,
you can't pay back.

No, I realize that.

Destruction, you can't pay back.

Please, Ethel. You're
embarrassing me.

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Clarn.

I understand what Mrs. Clarn
means, and how she feels.

Believe me, I know.

You can't measure human
suffering in dollars and cents.

And a beautiful profile
doesn't come a dime a dozen!

Right.

Well... Well,
look... I have to go.

I have to meet somebody at 6:00.
We're driving upstate for dinner.

It's 7:15.

You're kidding!

On top of everything else,

you're not too prompt.

[doorbell buzzing]

I want you to know, I've
decided to forgive you.

Oh, Donald. That's
why you're so lovable.

Because I know you're gonna
have a perfectly simple explanation

for letting me stand
for over an hour

on the corner of 49th
and Seventh Avenue.

Yeah! I really do.

During which time I
got bumped, jostled,

had an attempt made
to pick my wallet,

and received no less than
two rather startling proposals.

Yeah? What? What?

Never mind that! You knew
I couldn't wait any longer!

You knew I had to go to
Tarrytown to cover a story!

Where were you?

I'm awfully glad you decided
not to be angry, Donald.

You see, what happened was, I ran
into this man coming into the lobby.

I had all these
packages. Uh-huh.

And, boy, did he get mad!

Then this other man
came over. Rudy.

And he said, "Take
your hands off that girl!"

What happened?

He let go of me. Good.

And punched Rudy.

Oh. Well, it was terrible!

Then I had to take
him to the doctor's.

And then back to his house.

Boy, does he have
a possessive wife!

Somehow, I find that reassuring.

She really hates me!

Somehow, I find that reassuring.

Anyway, I couldn't
help it, Donald.

By the time I got
there, you were gone.

I see.

So I purposely didn't
make myself a good dinner.

To atone.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna take
you to a "scrumptuous" lunch.

With all the trimmings.

You do understand.

No.

But you forgive me anyway?

I decided that before
I walked in here.

Now, tell me about all
those startling proposals.

[knocking on door]

Good morning, Mrs. Clarn.

Hmm.

I, uh... I brought over a
copy of the doctor's bill.

Special delivery
is out of order?

Hmm. Well, no. I just wanted to
be prompt about the first payment.

Oh, hello, Ann!

Hello. How are you
feeling today, Mr. Clarn?

Oh, much better, thank you.

The mouth says better.
The eyes say pain.

I, uh, I brought my first
installment on your medical bill.

Hope five dollars
a week is all right.

You didn't have to do that.

Don't argue. You'll
get overheated.

I'm all right!

I'll get you a pillow.

Ethel, I'm standing up.

And I'm not gonna
take the five dollars.

Don't argue.

Ethel, can we get this
straight, once and for all?

Ann didn't mean any harm.

It was an accident. Right, Ann?

Right, Rudy.

Right, Ann? Right, Rudy.

I'm beginning to get this
straight, once and for all.

Ethel. Please.

Mrs. Clarn. You've got to
understand that when Mr. Clarn...

Ah? Too late! Call him Rudy.

When Mr. Clarn
came to my defense,

it wasn't for me,
the singular me.

But for me, the
defenseless woman me!

Representing the whole
plural female species.

I don't understand the
whole plural female species.

I understand a prize
like him, you try to keep.

I understand a prize
like him, you fight for.

I fight for him. He fights
for you. Go figure it.

Ethel... Did I say a word?

Look, I, uh... I have to change
for a luncheon appointment.

I have to go, too. A window
washer's work is never done.

[laughs] Oh, Mr. Clarn,

here's the installment
on the medical bill.

Please! You don't
have to do that.

Listen, if that's
what Miss Marie...

You should excuse
me... Ann wants...

It is. So please take it.

Thanks for being Sir Galahad.

[door buzzing]

Oh, Rudy!

May I come in for a minute?

Oh, sure!

Look, Ann. Uh, I
don't want this money.

Well, why not?
Oh, please. I insist.

I've got medical insurance,
union hospitalization...

I'm completely covered.

Well, not for your
inconvenience.

And the pain!

I didn't do it for profit.

And besides, I'd have
given it back before,

only I didn't want Ethel to see.

She wouldn't want you
to return the five dollars.

It is my belief that Ethel
would kill for five dollars.

She's really crazy about you.

That's the word.

Well... it's a nice
kind of madness.

Maybe. Please...

I've got to go. There are 80
million windows in the naked city

that are waiting for me to wash.

[laughs] Good-bye.

Good-bye. And Rudy? Thank you.

[door buzzing]

Oh, Mrs. Clarn!

I can still smell him.

Smell who?

You think I didn't see.

See who?

My Rudy. Kissing
with the half-naked.

I am not half-naked. And
it was just a thank-you kiss.

I'm afraid to ask.
Thank you for what?

Mrs. Clarn, you are
making a big mistake!

Mistake? The minute
you left, what did he do?

Followed right to this house.

Only to return the five dollars!

Five dollars, nothing. I
know a tryst when I see one.

Mrs. Clarn, your husband
was only here for two minutes!

For Rudy... two minutes.

I assure you, he has
absolutely no interest in me.

No interest? He put his
life on the line for you!

Not his life, exactly.

His nose.

Don't split hairs.

I won't stand in your way.

I yield to the
delegate from you!

Please, don't yield.

Listen, would it make you
feel any better if I told you

I'll never see your
husband again?

What? Have him think
of you when he's with me?

Have him call your name
when he's in my arms?

Oh, he wouldn't do that.

Happened already.

He called you Ann?

He called me "darling".

You could be "darling"!

Me? This is the
body of "darling"?

I'm going home to pack the few
things I brought to the marriage.

I don't wanna profit.

Mrs. Clarn, you're
making a mistake!

I don't want your husband,
and he doesn't want me!

Why don't you ask him who
he's in love with? Ask him!

I know what he'll say! Me!

So? I don't believe him.

I'm taking the bus
to East St. Louis,

at the Port Authority
bus terminal.

You can't do that!

41st St., on the
Ninth Avenue side.

At 5:15.

Oh, my gosh, it's almost 1:00.

I'm not even dressed!

Anybody wanted to,
uh, stop me, can find me.

Half an hour late for lunch.
Donald's gonna kill me!

Who's Donald?

Donald Hollinger.
The man I love.

And the man who loves me!

The rich get richer.

No, Mrs. Clarn. Isn't there
something I could possibly say

to make you change your mind?

Nothing. It's too late
for that now. Good-bye.

Wait a minute. What's the
name of the bus terminal?

I wrote it down.

Donald, you're here!

Yeah, I'm here, but
I'm not talking to you.

But we were supposed to eat
at Chez Daniel de Romania!

Yeah, but when you didn't show
up at Chez Daniel de Romania,

I got hungry, so I decided to
have a hot dog while I was waiting.

I'm sorry... Yeah, and
I waited and I waited,

and I ate, and I ate. And
now I'm so full and bloated

and ashamed of myself, I
can't stand it. I'm still angry.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

Hey, that's funny. I
was sure it wasn't mine.

That Mrs. Clarn! She's so
jealous you wouldn't believe it!

Or care. And
she's a little crazy.

But it's sort of
wonderful. Wonderful.

Well, I mean, she thinks
of their marriage like,

I don't know, Romeo and
Juliet or Tristan and Isolde.

Ha. Well, it's nice to know
that someone in the world

doesn't live like the
Katzenjammer Kids.

I'm sorry, Donald. But I'm
gonna make it all up to you tonight.

You come over at 6:00, and boy, are
you ever gonna be pampered and spoiled.

And am I gonna fix
you a meal fit for a king.

Yeah, well, what makes you think
I'm gonna forgive you that easily?

Oh, because of my knowledge
of the perfection of your character.

And just plain hope,
which springs eternal.

How do I know you're
even gonna be there?

This whole thing is gonna be
resolved by 5:15, one way or another.

What? Two questions.

One: if you had to find a
particular window washer

in the entire city of New York,

how would you go about it?

And two:

can I have a bite of your
hot dog? I'm starving.

Oh, here it is. Clarn,
Rudy. Manhattan. Midtown.

Address, working. You got that?

Oh, sure. No
problem. He's on a...

simple run of four buildings.

Uh, Four West 42nd St.

Union Securities
Building, 458 Fifth Avenue.

Amalgamated Utilities.
98 Pershing Square.

And, uh, Clipper Building.
Vanderbilt and 41st St.

Which one of these
do you think it is?

You want my honest
opinion? Well, yes!

I haven't the faintest idea.

[no audible dialogue]

Hello! Hello!

Rudy Clarn! Do you know a
window washer named Rudy Clarn?

Rudy! Rudy!

[silently counting]

47 thousand, nine hundred
and 25 dollars and 64 cents.

Excuse me.

49 thousand, 117
dollars and 11 cents.

Where is he?

51 thousand, 848
dollars, and seven cents.

Was there a window
washer in here?

Oh, I'm awfully sorry. I
interrupted you in your work, sir.

961 thousand dollars and 42...

Well, you just go right ahead
and forget that I was even here.

Go! Go! Go!

[whispering] Excuse me.

Rudy!

Rudy, I've gotta talk to you!

Ann! What's the matter?

It's your wife!

What did I do now?

Stay there! I'll be right over!

And thus, despite this
rather substantial loss,

it is our considered opinion that your
board of directors need financial relief.

And therefore, management recommends
a "yes" vote on executive salary raises.

Point Two: stock options
for valued employ...

I'm sorry, miss. But there's
a meeting going on in here.

[stammering] Oh, I
don't mean to interrupt.

I bet she's that poison pen letter
writer from Lawrence, Long Island.

Won't you join us?

Whether it's one share
or a million shares,

it's your company, too.

Oh! Well, thank you.

Uh, why don't you just go
ahead with the meeting?

Would you mind if I
looked out the window?

Whatever you say.

Psst. Rudy! Psst!

What's up?

It's your wife. She's left you.

Again?

But this time, it's for real!

Over me! I feel terrible!

Forget it. She never goes.

She's going. On the
5:15 to East St. Louis.

It's after five. And the only
possible way I can get there

before the bus
leaves is to jump.

[Ann] She loves you, Rudy!

She needs you! [groans]

What is it? What's the matter?

Getting dizzy.

[Ann] Oh, you... you'd
better come inside.

[whispering] Get me a policeman!

You can't reason with
her. She makes me crazy.

Try not to get upset!

[whispering] And get
the fire department.

[Ann] You better come inside.

Wait. Let me rest for a moment.

Let him rest. Rudy!
You're running out of time!

That's bad taste.

Somebody call a policeman?

[Crowd] Yes! Over here!
There he is! Out there!

Okay. Everybody move back.

[Policeman] Now take it easy.

Hello, there, fella.
How's it going?

Okay. Just a little dizzy.

Right. You're gonna be
just fine. Just take it easy.

Talk to me. Keep talking to me.

Officer, his wife left him.

I know. And it may
seem hard to take now.

But you'll see. You'll
make a new life for yourself.

And you'll get used to it.

I'm used to it.

It ain't worth it. Nothing's
so bad it can't get better.

Officer, excuse me,
but time is running out.

This man is in a
hurry! You're in his way!

Boy, you're all heart.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me?

Oh, hello, Father. There
he is. Right on the brink.

Hello there, son.

Oh. Hello there, Father.

Would you like to pray?

To tell you the
truth, I'm a little dizzy.

And I don't think
closing my eyes

is too good an idea,
just at the present.

Father, would you
ask him to repeat that?

I didn't get the last line.

It's not necessary
to take this down.

[crowd murmuring] Excuse me...

How are you feeling, Rudy?

Okay, now.

All right to come in?

I think so. But I'd better
go into another window.

I don't wanna disturb them.

Come in, son.
You're among friends.

You'll find, in the
fullness of time,

a forgiveness for
your faithless wife.

Well, I forgive her.

Then come in, son.

This is not the Catholic way.

I'm Presbyterian.

Come in anyway.

[Woman] Aw!

So. I found you.
Together, of course.

Ethel. I thought you
were at the bus station.

I was. I changed my ticket.

I just had to come and tell
you what I thought of a husband

who doesn't have
the common decency

to see his wife to the station

on the occasion
of her leaving him.

I'm sorry. I wanted to.

Listen, lady. He was
out there on the ledge.

Mrs. Clarn. Nobody ever
climbed out a window over me.

Or over me, either!
He does it for money.

Madam, your husband was
that far from destroying himself.

Over me?

Over you. Some men
just can't say "I love you"

in the conventional way.

See how much he cares for you?

You were going to...?

For me?

Mrs. Clarn, you win!

I couldn't fill your
shoes, and he knew that.

And life just seemed
too unlivable without you.

He wasn't. Were ya,
Rudy? Were ya really?

I mean, that I could forgive.

That I could live with.
But... no. You wouldn't.

Well, what was it?
Attempted defenestration,

or simply disturbing the peace?

Rudy! Tell him!

Admit it!

Well, I guess that when
you're a prisoner of love,

you try to escape
any way you can.

Ethel, forgive me.

Oh, forever and always, Rudy.

Okay, take him away.

What do you mean? What away?

To Bellevue, for observation.

It's the standard
procedure in these cases.

You mean... you're
gonna take him away,

because the idea of losing
me was too much for him?

I think you better
take her, too.

Well, now don't
worry, Mrs. Clarn.

Bellevue's a wonderful hospital,

and they'll let him
out in a couple of days.

In a couple of days, he
could meet a gorgeous nurse.

Ethel, I promise.

I won't look at any nurses.

And I won't let a doctor
look at you. Hmm.

Good-bye. Thank you
so much for your help.

Thank you very much. Bye.

Just between you and me,

I think you're going way too far

with the raises and
the stock options.

Donald?

You here, Donald?

[door buzzes]

Hi, Donald.

Well, do you realize
that you're late?

I do.

Not that I won't forgive you.

But I think you do
owe me an explanation.

All right.

After waiting for you
for over 30 minutes,

I decided you
might be hours late.

I had a very good
reason. So do I.

After waiting for
you for hours...

Oh, let me tell you the reason
why, first. You see, what happened is,

I went over to get Rudy, to
get him to go to the bus station,

to stop Ethel from
leaving on the 5:15.

And before you knew it,
for some reason or other,

everybody thought
Rudy was gonna jump!

So I decided to get a newspaper.

And then there was
the... the policeman,

the medical corps, the
firemen. A priest came.

I mean, it was absolutely crazy!

And Rudy got dizzy!

What are you doing?

I guess the only way to
get your attention is to jump.

[laughing]