That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Collaborators - full transcript
After reading Donald's latest "brilliant" article and lamenting the fact that it gets buried and generally unread in a 25¢ per copy publication, Ann thinks Donald should expand his writing horizons. Her thoughts are for him to write a play, with which she could help him since, being a actress, she knows all about the structure of a play. After initially dismissing the idea, Donald enthusiastically agrees when he comes up with the idea of writing a play about Ann's experiences as a young actress in New York. Jerry isn't sure if it's such a good idea as Donald and Ann spending so much time together working on a project that neither has experience but a lot invested in emotionally may be a potentially explosive mix. Jerry ends up being right as Ann doesn't approve of Donald wanting to change facts about her life for dramatic effect. A move by Ann to end the project results in an upset Donald storming off. As an in turn upset Ann waits and waits and waits for Donald to call, she isn't sure if their relationship has survived this latest setback.
You're "X" -ing out again.
That's what you have to do
when it's no good... "X" out.
Oh, Donald, you're
too hard on yourself.
That's why it takes you so long.
Rough translation...
You're hungry.
We are due at Ruthie
and Jerry's for dinner,
and I have to change yet.
Hold it.
"It was then a
significance silence
underscored the exits."
Finis!
Oh, Donald, you're brilliant.
Has there ever been any doubt?
But I think it's just awful.
You write pure gold.
They sell it for a quarter
and it lays in a
dentist's waiting room.
I think it's unjust.
Not as long as I get
that weekly check.
That's what I'm writing
for, not for immortality.
You should be
writing for immortality.
Okay, What would
you like me to write?
A novel? A biography?
A book of poetry?
Any preference?
Donald, the way you
put words together,
you could write
anything, even a play.
A play? Mm-hmm. Why not?
For one thing, I'm
not a playwright.
Neither was George
Bernard Shaw till he playwrote.
Honey, I don't know
anything about writing plays.
Donald, the biggest hit
on Broadway last season
was written by two fellas
who never wrote a play before.
Yeah? What did they do
before they wrote the play?
They worked in a car wash.
See? They had an advantage.
Like what?
They didn't know they
couldn't write a play.
They probably gave
each other confidence.
You know, Donald, I'll
bet we could write one.
Write what? A play.
A play? You and me?
Together. Oh, honey.
Donald, it's a natural.
You're a great
writer to begin with,
and I'm an actress.
I know play form.
I could contribute
in all those areas
where you might
feel a little shaky.
The whole idea makes
me feel mighty shaky.
Honey, it is not that
easy to write a play.
And collaborating
is very difficult.
Collaborating with
a girl has got to be
practically impossible.
And what's got to be absolutely
impossible is collaborating with...
♪♪ [theme]
Ann, it's out of the question.
Why?
In the first place,
we don't have
anything to write about.
Oh, Donald,
there's the whole
world to write about.
A good writer only writes
what he knows about.
I don't know enough
about the whole world.
We know about us.
Why wouldn't we
make a great subject?
We don't have a third act.
However... Yeah, yeah?
However. Go on.
There is you.
You, my sweet, are
fraught with possibilities.
For what? A play about you.
It would practically
write itself.
A girl alone in New York city
trying to grow up.
What do you mean,
trying to grow up?
A girl who wants
to be a person...
I am a person... taking
a bite out of the apple.
What apple?
A girl with all your
characteristics...
Unpredictable,
inconsistent, illogical.
Hey!
Warm, loving, ready
to embrace the world.
That's better.
Think of it, honey.
Think of all the crazy
things you've done.
Think of all the nutty things
that have happened to you
since you got to New York.
Yeah, like meeting you.
Oh, Donald, now that
was funny, remember?
You tried to rescue me
because you thought
I was being kidnapped
when I was doing
that TV commercial.
Tell me that wasn't funny.
That wasn't funny.
Remember the time you got
your toe stuck in a bowling ball?
Uh-huh.
And how about the time
I rented that moving van
because I wanted to
meet that producer?
And your father bringing
the laundry every week.
We could make it
like Seven Year Itch
or Come Blow Your
Horn or Any Wednesday.
It's bound to be a hit.
Naturally.
We're not going to give up
our evenings to write a flop.
If Don and Ann aren't
here in two minutes,
my roast will be
like shoe leather.
You think you got problems.
My ice is melting and I
haven't even used it yet.
[knock on door]
Hi. Hi.
I'm sorry we're late,
but we have the
most fantastic surprise.
So have I.
My roast is like shoe leather.
That's great.
Donald loves it that way.
[Jerry] And my ice is melting!
Our surprise is
even better, right?
Right. You go
ahead and tell them.
You are looking at the
new Kaufman and Hart,
MacArthur and Hecht.
You've joined the Army
and she's joined the WACs?
Ruthie, those are playwrights.
So?
So, we, Donald and
I, are writing a play...
together... the
two of us, right?
Right.
You've got to be kidding.
But, Ann, how can
you write a play?
You have a tough
time even getting in one.
But I'm reading them
all the time, aren't I?
That gives me
some sort of an edge.
Listen, pal, I think you
ought to think this over.
I have, Jerry.
At first I thought no,
but on second thought...
You better have
more second thoughts
about your second thoughts.
I think it's marvelous,
you two collaborating.
When are you going to do it?
Or have you already started?
Not yet. First we have to
do some heavy thinking.
We're going to start
tonight right after dinner.
Great. I'll get it in a hurry.
Tonight? Uh-huh.
Donald, haven't
you always told me
that a writer's biggest
problem is procrastination?
How they'll do anything...
Sharpen pencils,
read the newspapers,
even eat and sleep
to keep from writing?
None of that for us.
Okay, tonight.
We start right after dinner.
George Bernard Shaw
didn't write plays
by messing around.
We were talking.
Jerry, I was just
thinking about something.
You and Ruthie ought
to do the same thing.
Mess around?
No, collaborate on something.
Ha ha! Forget it.
We may have been silly
enough to get married,
but we're much too
smart to try to collaborate.
No, Jerry, I think you'd
make a very good playwright,
with or without Ruthie.
You think so?
Mm-hmm.
You're very observant.
We were messing around.
You see what I mean when
you start talking over ideas
like we were with
Ruth and Jerry?
Surprise!
When did you do this?
Between the shoe
leather and the dessert.
Well, I can't fight that
kind of enthusiasm.
Let's go to work. I'm ready.
Can you type?
Are you kidding?
At Brewster college I was
known as Twinkle Fingers Marie,
The Speedy Steno.
Okay, you type, I pace.
Fine.
Which color paper?
Hmm?
I have yellow and I have white.
Which color paper do you prefer?
Well...
well, with that dress,
yellow, by all means.
Fine.
Yellow it is.
We don't have a title, right?
We'll call it Untitled.
Although...
since it's going to
be based on me,
I think we should
call it Ann Marie,
like Anna Christie
or Anna Lucasta,
Ana... stasia.
That doesn't hit you?
It doesn't hit me.
For the time being,
why don't we just
call it Untitled?
Okay. Untitled it is.
Ann, you typed
it in small letters.
I capitalized the first letter.
Don't you think it
would look better
if you capitalized everything?
Donald, if you're going
to take that attitude,
you type and I'll look
over your shoulder.
Okay.
UNTITLED.
You're right.
All capitals does look better.
A play in three acts
by Donald Hollinger
and Ann Marie.
Whatever happened
to ladies first?
Honey, we're writing a play,
not going through a doorway.
It's just that...
Oh, Donald, you know how
actresses are about billing.
No, but I do know
how writers are about it,
and since by your own admission
you are primarily an actress
while I make my
living as a writer...
Okay, okay. Your
name goes first.
But on the very
next play we write,
my name goes on top.
Fair enough.
Here we go.
The question is,
where do we start?
At the beginning,
when I was born.
Now, at rise, we
see a small house
nestled in the typically
American community
known as Brewster, New York.
Donald, you're not typing.
Wait a minute. Wait
a minute, honey.
I'm getting an idea
for an approach.
Yeah? Yeah.
Let's see.
You... no, it won't work.
What I need is a
whole new approach.
Oh, well, in all
fairness, Donald,
the whole new approach is
like starting a whole new play.
So?
So now my name goes on top.
[typing, no audible dialogue]
Honey, this isn't gonna work.
Oh, sure it will, Donald.
Maybe we need a new ribbon.
No, that's not gonna help.
It can't hurt to try.
What we have to try
is a different system.
What other system is there?
We work apart.
Now what fun is that?
Honey, it may not be fun,
but it's gotta be a
lot more productive.
What's the good in producing
if you don't have any
fun being productive?
And besides, how can
you write a story about me
if I'm not here to tell you
everything that exactly happened.
Let me do that. I
change them all the time.
No, I can do it.
Honey, I can do it.
Sweetheart, I do
this all the time.
All right. Go right ahead.
Honey, what's slowing us
up is we can't write everything
exactly how it happened
minute by minute.
Why can't you?
Because...
Honey, look, a play
that lasts over 20 years
you can't do in one night.
Why not? Look at
the mess you've made.
Ann.
[In unison] If you
could see your face.
So now what's wrong?
Donald's whole new
system of working.
I'm supposed to write a
part then he writes a part.
Then we're supposed to exchange
them and rewrite each other.
That seems fair enough.
Why don't you eat.
But this is supposed
to be about me.
Do you know that he's got my
great-grandmother dying before I was born?
And really she didn't die
until I was three years old.
You object to that?
I don't understand why
he won't let a nice old lady
live a few years longer.
Did you ask him?
Too many characters, he says.
But you know something else,
I'm getting a pretty good idea
what his real impression of me is.
He's got me saying things like,
"I wanna be a person and
take a bite out of the apple."
Did you ever hear me use
a silly expression like that?
No, but take a bite
out of something.
It's really hard to eat when
somebody's taking liberties with your life.
There's plenty of
time to make changes
before you get to Broadway.
Eat.
Well, I've got a lot
of changes to make
before he gets to
my apartment tonight.
Ann, what's the matter with you?
You know what
happens in real life
doesn't automatically
make a good play,
you have to dramatize.
You have to
fictionalize certain parts,
otherwise it's dull, dull, dull.
You're the one who said
everything that's happened to me
was so great.
That's why we were gonna
write the play in the first place.
Now you changed everything.
Yeah, and you've been
absolutely true to life
and it's taken you
exactly 13 pages
for your father to walk into
a scene and say, "Hello",
which you can do
in one sentence.
But my father can't.
My father can't say
anything in just one sentence.
You don't want me to
pretend he can, do you?
Honey, you simply cannot
personalize every line.
Why not? It's
supposed to be based
on my personal experiences.
Why do we have
to lie about them?
Sweetie, we are
not lying about them,
we are dramatizing them.
I'm dramatizing them.
You're lying about them.
You are dramatizing
this situation, not the play.
Believe me, there is
absolutely no connection
between comedy or drama
and what you've written here.
Donald, I don't
think it's very nice
of you to accuse me of
not being able to write.
I am not making an
accusation. I am stating a fact.
Donald, please, I
don't wanna get angry.
You don't have to get angry.
I am now angry enough
for the both of us.
Well, in that case,
let's just forget
the whole thing.
Thanks. For what?
You just ripped up
a letter to my mother.
What're you doing?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna do the
thing I should've done
the minute we
started to disagree.
Ann, wait, my pages!
Donald, if this play
can make me do a thing
like tear up a letter
to your mother,
than anything can happen.
And I simply can
not allow this play
to jeopardize our relationship.
Ann?
Oh, Donald. Don't worry.
It was pretty close
there for a while,
but we're all right now.
No, we're not. No, you're not.
Not 'til we get my pages back.
Donald, don't you understand?
That play was threatening.
Ann, you wanna hear
some real threatening?
No.
Then let us run,
not walk downstairs
and get those pages back.
But, Don... Ann, listen.
I don't know how your
pages were written,
but mine were written
with blood, sweat and tears.
No blood, sweat and tears of mine
are gonna end up in the rubbish.
Maybe it'll never make
Broadway, but it is definitely
not gonna end up
in the rubbish, clear?
Clear.
Hey, here's half of page 18.
Half? How'd it get torn in half?
Donald, you can blame me
for putting the pages in the
chute, but you can't blame me
for what happened to
them on the way down.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here's six, seven...
and here's eight.
Here's page 42!
Marvelous. I didn't
write a page 42.
Oh, this is one of mine.
It's the part where daddy's
in the middle of saying hello.
You know, Donald,
I think I see something
stuck up in the chute.
I'm gonna go take a look.
Aaah!
Donald!
Forget it, forget it.
Just help me up.
Donald, I was right.
I did see something
stuck up in that chute,
but I couldn't reach it.
Here, help me up again.
Put your foot in
here. Be very careful.
All right. Just hold on.
[both talking at once]
Come on.
Wait! Wait!
Okay, honey, hold on.
Just hold on there for a minute.
Hold on, honey, can go...
All right, honey,
real quick, hold on.
Okay, honey, I'm
here. Are you all right?
Yeah, can you push me
in just a little bit higher?
Higher? Okay,
honey. But be careful.
Oh, this is much
better. I've almost got it.
Can you reach it?
It's right at my fingertips.
Can you get it?
I got it!
What is it?
Somebody else's rubbish.
Honey...
Lost cause?
You can't lose a
cause any better.
[footsteps up stairs]
[door slams]
And then what happened?
And then he
stormed out of there,
and I haven't heard
one word from him since.
Sit down and eat a
little. You'll feel better.
Ruthie, eating is not
the solution to life.
Well, eventually it is
when you don't
eat anything at all.
A person's gonna
starve, you know.
Want me to call Jerry and
ask him to tell Don something?
Like what?
Like pick up a phone
and call a person.
Or, a person's sorry, and
she didn't mean what she said.
I did mean what I said.
And he meant what he said.
And things that are
said can never be unsaid.
It's only when you're
fictionalizing and dramatizing
and lying about
what really happened
is you can leave out the
things that people said.
I've got a flash for you.
If you're gonna spend your life
keeping score of who said
what and how and when,
then you better plan
on staying single.
The only things that count
are the things that people do.
Does that include the
things that people don't do?
Like what Donald's not doing?
He's not calling me or
coming over to see me
or trying to reach me
in any way or anything.
Annie, neither are you.
You want me to compromise.
No, all I want is you
should eat a little.
I'll get you a
nice glass of milk.
No, I won't. I
simply won't call.
He's gonna have to call me.
So don't ring.
You can sit there forever
and not make a sound.
As far as I'm concerned,
who needs you.
I've got a book.
Who needs a book?
Operator, this is
Plaza 3-0-5-9-8.
There seems to be something
the matter with my phone.
It's out of order or something.
Do you think you
could try it and see?
Thank you.
[phone rings]
Thank you, operator.
It's working beautifully.
Oh, Donald, please.
Please call me.
Just call me once and
I'll call you right back.
I swear I will.
[sobs]
If he doesn't call by 10:30,
I'm just gonna wait until 11:00.
If he doesn't call
by 11:00, I'll just...
just wait until 11:30.
If he doesn't call
by 11:30, I'll just...
I'll just wait and
wait and wait.
[dialing]
Donald, oh,
Donald, I'm so sorry.
[sobbing] I mean,
it's all my fault.
It always is when we have
one of these silly things.
I just want you to
know that I apologize.
And you can do whatever
you want about the play.
You can write it your way.
You can write it any way.
Just as long as you don't
stay mad at me, Donald.
Because I love
you. You know I do.
And... what?
Isn't this Brian 9-9-9-7-0?
Could you excuse
the call please?
That's, uh... that's
all I know, Ann.
He phoned in and said
he was gonna take
a couple of weeks off.
No, he didn't say
where he was going.
No, he didn't leave a number
where he could be reached.
No... Ann, honey, I'm sorry.
But he said he didn't
wanna be reached.
No, he wouldn't say.
No, he didn't leave
a message for you.
He didn't leave a
message for anyone.
He didn't even leave
a message for me,
and I was the one
who was talking to him.
Thanks, Jerry.
[hangs up]
That does it. [sniffs]
My last sniffle
and my last tear.
From now on, I'm
just gonna forget it.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hi, Seymour.
How's the world's
greatest agent?
Anything coming up for me?
Yeah, things are pretty slow.
Listen, Seymour.
Would you do me a favor?
If you can get me a
part where I cry a lot,
will you try and get it?
[voice breaking] Why? Because
I've been getting a lot of practice
and I'm getting
kind of good at it.
Say, I've got an idea.
Why don't we all go
to a movie tonight?
Honey, we've been to a
movie every night this week.
Why... why don't we
go to a movie tonight?
Honestly, I wish you two
would stop trying to entertain me.
Just because Donald
and I have split up
and he disappeared
from the face of the earth,
there's no reason for anybody
to act like it's the end of the world.
Just because it is.
I could kill him.
You know, there
has to be a reason.
He stays away much
longer, he'll blow his job.
A man just doesn't
do things like this.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
Lots of men have done it.
Didn't Gauguin go to Tahiti,
and Jack London to Alaska?
And how about Judge Crater?
Who's he?
He's some judge that
nobody ever heard about
until he disappeared, then
everybody heard about him,
but nobody ever saw him
again as long as he lived.
[knock on door]
I think that's somebody
knocking at my door.
Are you sure it's your door?
It sounds like my door.
Ladies, we have
two alternatives.
We can either stand
around for a half hour
asking dummy questions,
or I could even open the door.
As Hector MacArthur
said, "I have returned."
So, to make a long story short,
I went away, I
worked day and night.
I wrote it your way, honey.
The whole first act,
with an outline and
synopsis of the rest of it,
and I sent it to three agents.
And?
Honey, I'm sorry.
They totally rejected it.
See, I was wrong.
You should've done it your
way. Why did you listen to me?
Why didn't you follow
your own instincts?
If you done it
your way... I did.
You did? I wrote it my way.
The whole first act, with
an outline and synopsis
of the rest of it.
And? And? And?
They totally rejected it.
Oh, that's terrible.
What a rotten
break. That's awful.
No, it isn't. Do you
know what it proves?
What? It proves that
Jerry was right all along.
Me? When was I ever right?
When you said
that you and Ruthie
may have been silly
enough to get married
but you were sure too smart
to ever try and collaborate.
That's something that
every young couple
should think over seriously.
Amen.
But you know something?
I think this whole thing
is a great idea for a play.
What? Oh, honey, now...
But somebody oughta
do something about it.
Honey, honey, it's been
going on since time began.
All the more reason why somebody
oughta figure out some other way.
Ann, there isn't any other way.
I can't believe that.
There has to be a way.
If they can put a man on
the moon, they oughta be able
to invent a way for two people
who are mad at each other
to call each other up and speak
and remind each other
that they still love each other,
even if they are mad.
I love you.
Remind me again.
That's what you have to do
when it's no good... "X" out.
Oh, Donald, you're
too hard on yourself.
That's why it takes you so long.
Rough translation...
You're hungry.
We are due at Ruthie
and Jerry's for dinner,
and I have to change yet.
Hold it.
"It was then a
significance silence
underscored the exits."
Finis!
Oh, Donald, you're brilliant.
Has there ever been any doubt?
But I think it's just awful.
You write pure gold.
They sell it for a quarter
and it lays in a
dentist's waiting room.
I think it's unjust.
Not as long as I get
that weekly check.
That's what I'm writing
for, not for immortality.
You should be
writing for immortality.
Okay, What would
you like me to write?
A novel? A biography?
A book of poetry?
Any preference?
Donald, the way you
put words together,
you could write
anything, even a play.
A play? Mm-hmm. Why not?
For one thing, I'm
not a playwright.
Neither was George
Bernard Shaw till he playwrote.
Honey, I don't know
anything about writing plays.
Donald, the biggest hit
on Broadway last season
was written by two fellas
who never wrote a play before.
Yeah? What did they do
before they wrote the play?
They worked in a car wash.
See? They had an advantage.
Like what?
They didn't know they
couldn't write a play.
They probably gave
each other confidence.
You know, Donald, I'll
bet we could write one.
Write what? A play.
A play? You and me?
Together. Oh, honey.
Donald, it's a natural.
You're a great
writer to begin with,
and I'm an actress.
I know play form.
I could contribute
in all those areas
where you might
feel a little shaky.
The whole idea makes
me feel mighty shaky.
Honey, it is not that
easy to write a play.
And collaborating
is very difficult.
Collaborating with
a girl has got to be
practically impossible.
And what's got to be absolutely
impossible is collaborating with...
♪♪ [theme]
Ann, it's out of the question.
Why?
In the first place,
we don't have
anything to write about.
Oh, Donald,
there's the whole
world to write about.
A good writer only writes
what he knows about.
I don't know enough
about the whole world.
We know about us.
Why wouldn't we
make a great subject?
We don't have a third act.
However... Yeah, yeah?
However. Go on.
There is you.
You, my sweet, are
fraught with possibilities.
For what? A play about you.
It would practically
write itself.
A girl alone in New York city
trying to grow up.
What do you mean,
trying to grow up?
A girl who wants
to be a person...
I am a person... taking
a bite out of the apple.
What apple?
A girl with all your
characteristics...
Unpredictable,
inconsistent, illogical.
Hey!
Warm, loving, ready
to embrace the world.
That's better.
Think of it, honey.
Think of all the crazy
things you've done.
Think of all the nutty things
that have happened to you
since you got to New York.
Yeah, like meeting you.
Oh, Donald, now that
was funny, remember?
You tried to rescue me
because you thought
I was being kidnapped
when I was doing
that TV commercial.
Tell me that wasn't funny.
That wasn't funny.
Remember the time you got
your toe stuck in a bowling ball?
Uh-huh.
And how about the time
I rented that moving van
because I wanted to
meet that producer?
And your father bringing
the laundry every week.
We could make it
like Seven Year Itch
or Come Blow Your
Horn or Any Wednesday.
It's bound to be a hit.
Naturally.
We're not going to give up
our evenings to write a flop.
If Don and Ann aren't
here in two minutes,
my roast will be
like shoe leather.
You think you got problems.
My ice is melting and I
haven't even used it yet.
[knock on door]
Hi. Hi.
I'm sorry we're late,
but we have the
most fantastic surprise.
So have I.
My roast is like shoe leather.
That's great.
Donald loves it that way.
[Jerry] And my ice is melting!
Our surprise is
even better, right?
Right. You go
ahead and tell them.
You are looking at the
new Kaufman and Hart,
MacArthur and Hecht.
You've joined the Army
and she's joined the WACs?
Ruthie, those are playwrights.
So?
So, we, Donald and
I, are writing a play...
together... the
two of us, right?
Right.
You've got to be kidding.
But, Ann, how can
you write a play?
You have a tough
time even getting in one.
But I'm reading them
all the time, aren't I?
That gives me
some sort of an edge.
Listen, pal, I think you
ought to think this over.
I have, Jerry.
At first I thought no,
but on second thought...
You better have
more second thoughts
about your second thoughts.
I think it's marvelous,
you two collaborating.
When are you going to do it?
Or have you already started?
Not yet. First we have to
do some heavy thinking.
We're going to start
tonight right after dinner.
Great. I'll get it in a hurry.
Tonight? Uh-huh.
Donald, haven't
you always told me
that a writer's biggest
problem is procrastination?
How they'll do anything...
Sharpen pencils,
read the newspapers,
even eat and sleep
to keep from writing?
None of that for us.
Okay, tonight.
We start right after dinner.
George Bernard Shaw
didn't write plays
by messing around.
We were talking.
Jerry, I was just
thinking about something.
You and Ruthie ought
to do the same thing.
Mess around?
No, collaborate on something.
Ha ha! Forget it.
We may have been silly
enough to get married,
but we're much too
smart to try to collaborate.
No, Jerry, I think you'd
make a very good playwright,
with or without Ruthie.
You think so?
Mm-hmm.
You're very observant.
We were messing around.
You see what I mean when
you start talking over ideas
like we were with
Ruth and Jerry?
Surprise!
When did you do this?
Between the shoe
leather and the dessert.
Well, I can't fight that
kind of enthusiasm.
Let's go to work. I'm ready.
Can you type?
Are you kidding?
At Brewster college I was
known as Twinkle Fingers Marie,
The Speedy Steno.
Okay, you type, I pace.
Fine.
Which color paper?
Hmm?
I have yellow and I have white.
Which color paper do you prefer?
Well...
well, with that dress,
yellow, by all means.
Fine.
Yellow it is.
We don't have a title, right?
We'll call it Untitled.
Although...
since it's going to
be based on me,
I think we should
call it Ann Marie,
like Anna Christie
or Anna Lucasta,
Ana... stasia.
That doesn't hit you?
It doesn't hit me.
For the time being,
why don't we just
call it Untitled?
Okay. Untitled it is.
Ann, you typed
it in small letters.
I capitalized the first letter.
Don't you think it
would look better
if you capitalized everything?
Donald, if you're going
to take that attitude,
you type and I'll look
over your shoulder.
Okay.
UNTITLED.
You're right.
All capitals does look better.
A play in three acts
by Donald Hollinger
and Ann Marie.
Whatever happened
to ladies first?
Honey, we're writing a play,
not going through a doorway.
It's just that...
Oh, Donald, you know how
actresses are about billing.
No, but I do know
how writers are about it,
and since by your own admission
you are primarily an actress
while I make my
living as a writer...
Okay, okay. Your
name goes first.
But on the very
next play we write,
my name goes on top.
Fair enough.
Here we go.
The question is,
where do we start?
At the beginning,
when I was born.
Now, at rise, we
see a small house
nestled in the typically
American community
known as Brewster, New York.
Donald, you're not typing.
Wait a minute. Wait
a minute, honey.
I'm getting an idea
for an approach.
Yeah? Yeah.
Let's see.
You... no, it won't work.
What I need is a
whole new approach.
Oh, well, in all
fairness, Donald,
the whole new approach is
like starting a whole new play.
So?
So now my name goes on top.
[typing, no audible dialogue]
Honey, this isn't gonna work.
Oh, sure it will, Donald.
Maybe we need a new ribbon.
No, that's not gonna help.
It can't hurt to try.
What we have to try
is a different system.
What other system is there?
We work apart.
Now what fun is that?
Honey, it may not be fun,
but it's gotta be a
lot more productive.
What's the good in producing
if you don't have any
fun being productive?
And besides, how can
you write a story about me
if I'm not here to tell you
everything that exactly happened.
Let me do that. I
change them all the time.
No, I can do it.
Honey, I can do it.
Sweetheart, I do
this all the time.
All right. Go right ahead.
Honey, what's slowing us
up is we can't write everything
exactly how it happened
minute by minute.
Why can't you?
Because...
Honey, look, a play
that lasts over 20 years
you can't do in one night.
Why not? Look at
the mess you've made.
Ann.
[In unison] If you
could see your face.
So now what's wrong?
Donald's whole new
system of working.
I'm supposed to write a
part then he writes a part.
Then we're supposed to exchange
them and rewrite each other.
That seems fair enough.
Why don't you eat.
But this is supposed
to be about me.
Do you know that he's got my
great-grandmother dying before I was born?
And really she didn't die
until I was three years old.
You object to that?
I don't understand why
he won't let a nice old lady
live a few years longer.
Did you ask him?
Too many characters, he says.
But you know something else,
I'm getting a pretty good idea
what his real impression of me is.
He's got me saying things like,
"I wanna be a person and
take a bite out of the apple."
Did you ever hear me use
a silly expression like that?
No, but take a bite
out of something.
It's really hard to eat when
somebody's taking liberties with your life.
There's plenty of
time to make changes
before you get to Broadway.
Eat.
Well, I've got a lot
of changes to make
before he gets to
my apartment tonight.
Ann, what's the matter with you?
You know what
happens in real life
doesn't automatically
make a good play,
you have to dramatize.
You have to
fictionalize certain parts,
otherwise it's dull, dull, dull.
You're the one who said
everything that's happened to me
was so great.
That's why we were gonna
write the play in the first place.
Now you changed everything.
Yeah, and you've been
absolutely true to life
and it's taken you
exactly 13 pages
for your father to walk into
a scene and say, "Hello",
which you can do
in one sentence.
But my father can't.
My father can't say
anything in just one sentence.
You don't want me to
pretend he can, do you?
Honey, you simply cannot
personalize every line.
Why not? It's
supposed to be based
on my personal experiences.
Why do we have
to lie about them?
Sweetie, we are
not lying about them,
we are dramatizing them.
I'm dramatizing them.
You're lying about them.
You are dramatizing
this situation, not the play.
Believe me, there is
absolutely no connection
between comedy or drama
and what you've written here.
Donald, I don't
think it's very nice
of you to accuse me of
not being able to write.
I am not making an
accusation. I am stating a fact.
Donald, please, I
don't wanna get angry.
You don't have to get angry.
I am now angry enough
for the both of us.
Well, in that case,
let's just forget
the whole thing.
Thanks. For what?
You just ripped up
a letter to my mother.
What're you doing?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna do the
thing I should've done
the minute we
started to disagree.
Ann, wait, my pages!
Donald, if this play
can make me do a thing
like tear up a letter
to your mother,
than anything can happen.
And I simply can
not allow this play
to jeopardize our relationship.
Ann?
Oh, Donald. Don't worry.
It was pretty close
there for a while,
but we're all right now.
No, we're not. No, you're not.
Not 'til we get my pages back.
Donald, don't you understand?
That play was threatening.
Ann, you wanna hear
some real threatening?
No.
Then let us run,
not walk downstairs
and get those pages back.
But, Don... Ann, listen.
I don't know how your
pages were written,
but mine were written
with blood, sweat and tears.
No blood, sweat and tears of mine
are gonna end up in the rubbish.
Maybe it'll never make
Broadway, but it is definitely
not gonna end up
in the rubbish, clear?
Clear.
Hey, here's half of page 18.
Half? How'd it get torn in half?
Donald, you can blame me
for putting the pages in the
chute, but you can't blame me
for what happened to
them on the way down.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here's six, seven...
and here's eight.
Here's page 42!
Marvelous. I didn't
write a page 42.
Oh, this is one of mine.
It's the part where daddy's
in the middle of saying hello.
You know, Donald,
I think I see something
stuck up in the chute.
I'm gonna go take a look.
Aaah!
Donald!
Forget it, forget it.
Just help me up.
Donald, I was right.
I did see something
stuck up in that chute,
but I couldn't reach it.
Here, help me up again.
Put your foot in
here. Be very careful.
All right. Just hold on.
[both talking at once]
Come on.
Wait! Wait!
Okay, honey, hold on.
Just hold on there for a minute.
Hold on, honey, can go...
All right, honey,
real quick, hold on.
Okay, honey, I'm
here. Are you all right?
Yeah, can you push me
in just a little bit higher?
Higher? Okay,
honey. But be careful.
Oh, this is much
better. I've almost got it.
Can you reach it?
It's right at my fingertips.
Can you get it?
I got it!
What is it?
Somebody else's rubbish.
Honey...
Lost cause?
You can't lose a
cause any better.
[footsteps up stairs]
[door slams]
And then what happened?
And then he
stormed out of there,
and I haven't heard
one word from him since.
Sit down and eat a
little. You'll feel better.
Ruthie, eating is not
the solution to life.
Well, eventually it is
when you don't
eat anything at all.
A person's gonna
starve, you know.
Want me to call Jerry and
ask him to tell Don something?
Like what?
Like pick up a phone
and call a person.
Or, a person's sorry, and
she didn't mean what she said.
I did mean what I said.
And he meant what he said.
And things that are
said can never be unsaid.
It's only when you're
fictionalizing and dramatizing
and lying about
what really happened
is you can leave out the
things that people said.
I've got a flash for you.
If you're gonna spend your life
keeping score of who said
what and how and when,
then you better plan
on staying single.
The only things that count
are the things that people do.
Does that include the
things that people don't do?
Like what Donald's not doing?
He's not calling me or
coming over to see me
or trying to reach me
in any way or anything.
Annie, neither are you.
You want me to compromise.
No, all I want is you
should eat a little.
I'll get you a
nice glass of milk.
No, I won't. I
simply won't call.
He's gonna have to call me.
So don't ring.
You can sit there forever
and not make a sound.
As far as I'm concerned,
who needs you.
I've got a book.
Who needs a book?
Operator, this is
Plaza 3-0-5-9-8.
There seems to be something
the matter with my phone.
It's out of order or something.
Do you think you
could try it and see?
Thank you.
[phone rings]
Thank you, operator.
It's working beautifully.
Oh, Donald, please.
Please call me.
Just call me once and
I'll call you right back.
I swear I will.
[sobs]
If he doesn't call by 10:30,
I'm just gonna wait until 11:00.
If he doesn't call
by 11:00, I'll just...
just wait until 11:30.
If he doesn't call
by 11:30, I'll just...
I'll just wait and
wait and wait.
[dialing]
Donald, oh,
Donald, I'm so sorry.
[sobbing] I mean,
it's all my fault.
It always is when we have
one of these silly things.
I just want you to
know that I apologize.
And you can do whatever
you want about the play.
You can write it your way.
You can write it any way.
Just as long as you don't
stay mad at me, Donald.
Because I love
you. You know I do.
And... what?
Isn't this Brian 9-9-9-7-0?
Could you excuse
the call please?
That's, uh... that's
all I know, Ann.
He phoned in and said
he was gonna take
a couple of weeks off.
No, he didn't say
where he was going.
No, he didn't leave a number
where he could be reached.
No... Ann, honey, I'm sorry.
But he said he didn't
wanna be reached.
No, he wouldn't say.
No, he didn't leave
a message for you.
He didn't leave a
message for anyone.
He didn't even leave
a message for me,
and I was the one
who was talking to him.
Thanks, Jerry.
[hangs up]
That does it. [sniffs]
My last sniffle
and my last tear.
From now on, I'm
just gonna forget it.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hi, Seymour.
How's the world's
greatest agent?
Anything coming up for me?
Yeah, things are pretty slow.
Listen, Seymour.
Would you do me a favor?
If you can get me a
part where I cry a lot,
will you try and get it?
[voice breaking] Why? Because
I've been getting a lot of practice
and I'm getting
kind of good at it.
Say, I've got an idea.
Why don't we all go
to a movie tonight?
Honey, we've been to a
movie every night this week.
Why... why don't we
go to a movie tonight?
Honestly, I wish you two
would stop trying to entertain me.
Just because Donald
and I have split up
and he disappeared
from the face of the earth,
there's no reason for anybody
to act like it's the end of the world.
Just because it is.
I could kill him.
You know, there
has to be a reason.
He stays away much
longer, he'll blow his job.
A man just doesn't
do things like this.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
Lots of men have done it.
Didn't Gauguin go to Tahiti,
and Jack London to Alaska?
And how about Judge Crater?
Who's he?
He's some judge that
nobody ever heard about
until he disappeared, then
everybody heard about him,
but nobody ever saw him
again as long as he lived.
[knock on door]
I think that's somebody
knocking at my door.
Are you sure it's your door?
It sounds like my door.
Ladies, we have
two alternatives.
We can either stand
around for a half hour
asking dummy questions,
or I could even open the door.
As Hector MacArthur
said, "I have returned."
So, to make a long story short,
I went away, I
worked day and night.
I wrote it your way, honey.
The whole first act,
with an outline and
synopsis of the rest of it,
and I sent it to three agents.
And?
Honey, I'm sorry.
They totally rejected it.
See, I was wrong.
You should've done it your
way. Why did you listen to me?
Why didn't you follow
your own instincts?
If you done it
your way... I did.
You did? I wrote it my way.
The whole first act, with
an outline and synopsis
of the rest of it.
And? And? And?
They totally rejected it.
Oh, that's terrible.
What a rotten
break. That's awful.
No, it isn't. Do you
know what it proves?
What? It proves that
Jerry was right all along.
Me? When was I ever right?
When you said
that you and Ruthie
may have been silly
enough to get married
but you were sure too smart
to ever try and collaborate.
That's something that
every young couple
should think over seriously.
Amen.
But you know something?
I think this whole thing
is a great idea for a play.
What? Oh, honey, now...
But somebody oughta
do something about it.
Honey, honey, it's been
going on since time began.
All the more reason why somebody
oughta figure out some other way.
Ann, there isn't any other way.
I can't believe that.
There has to be a way.
If they can put a man on
the moon, they oughta be able
to invent a way for two people
who are mad at each other
to call each other up and speak
and remind each other
that they still love each other,
even if they are mad.
I love you.
Remind me again.