That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 4 - To Each Her Own - full transcript

Abandon all hope
ye who enter here.

That's not a very nice
thing to say to a girl,

especially when you
weren't even sure it was me.

I knew it was you.

How could you?

I've never been on time before.

I've always had faith.

Honey, how tall are you?

Just a shade under 6 feet.

How much of a shade?

6 1/2 inches.



6 1/2 inches, okay.

And how much do you weigh?

Before breakfast,
after breakfast?

Before lunch, after lunch?

Honey, honey,
just a mean figure.

Well, in the morning,

I'm supposed to
weigh 100 pounds.

If I weight less,
I have breakfast.

If I weigh more,
I skip breakfast,

and I weigh myself
again at lunch.

Honey,

Just give me the least
you've ever weighed.

6 pounds, 7 ounces.

And the most?



104.

Dress size?

6.

Shoe size? 6A.

Donald, I don't want you
spending a lot of money

on birthday presents.

This has nothing to
do with your birthday.

Then why are you
buying me a present?

I'm not.

It's for a story I'm doing.

This is an application
for Compudate?

What's Compudate?

Well, it's a new company.
Boy meets girl by computer.

You're looking for a new girl?

Don't be silly.

I'm not being silly,
I'm being jealous.

There's a big difference.

Hey, this stuff
is really hot now.

It's the coming thing
in human relations.

It's gonna make a great story.

It's ridiculous.

Do I hear you scoffing?

You most certainly
do. Scoff-scoff.

All right, look what they say.

No more courtships, no more
guessing what she likes or dislikes.

It's all done ahead of time.

They claim they can
find you the perfect mate.

Is that what you're
looking for, Donald?

Me?

Oh, not me.

I've already found what I want.

No computer can
improve on my taste.

Thank you, Donald.
I feel better already.

Let's go to lunch.

That's why I'm gonna feed your
vital statistics into the machine.

I want to see what
it can come up with.

I'll tell you what
it'll come up with.

It'll come up with a girl

who's got all my good qualities

and none of my rotten ones.

So what? I love you in
spite of your rotten qualities.

What rotten qualities?

Well, I can't think offhand.

Yes, you can.

You know all my
rotten qualities by heart.

Not true.

You don't have
any rotten qualities.

Yes, I do. You just
said you love me

in spite of all my
rotten qualities.

That's true.

What are they?

Oh, computer, you
are about to come up

with your biggest challenge.

Where are you ever
gonna find another one

like that girl?

♪♪

Oh, expediency.

It all comes under the
general heading of progress.

Progress.

A concerted technological effort

to reduce the amount
of time invested

in direct proportion to
that which is produced.

Understand?

I understand that.

What I don't understand is,

if you had to find a
girl exactly like me,

why didn't you
just interview me?

You and I were
thrown together by fate.

I have to be thrown together
with a girl by a machine.

You wouldn't like it if I
did something like that.

Something like what?

Like filling out a card and
placing an order for a perfect you.

But you already
got a perfect me.

Honey, if it's gonna
make you that unhappy,

I'll give up the assignment.

No, you can't do that.

Why not?

I'll just let somebody
else do the article.

Then you'll never
know, will you?

Know what?

If there's a girl around
better for you than I am.

Impossible.

Anything's possible, Donald.

No, I don't believe it.

If you really mean that,

then you should
finish the article.

Frankly, honey, at this point,

I'd like to forget
the whole thing.

You'll never forget it.

At least I know I won't.

And I'd be much
happier if I knew

that the average
girl in New York

has as many rotten
qualities as I do.

Okay, if you promise
never to mention it again,

I'll finish the
story. I promise.

Okay, because it's
after 1:00 in the morning,

and I have to go
home and get started.

Good night.

Good night, Donald.

Of all my rotten qualities,

the rottenest is
I've got a big mouth.

Ta-da!

Ta-da yourself.

Oh, Jerry.

I thought Donald was here.

He was. He went to lunch.

He wasn't expecting you, was he?

Oh, no, no. I just happened
to be in the neighborhood

so I thought I'd pop
in and go "ta-da."

Oh. Don went to the
Compudate office.

He did?

Yeah, they called
him this morning.

Oh.

Did they find his perfect...

They're having lunch.

Oh.

Jerry, do you really think

there's anything to
this computer matching?

Well, it's hard to say.

You know, I think if I put
my card in the computer,

it wouldn't come up with Ruth.

Oh, you're just saying that.

You two have so much in common.

Oh, sure. We both
spend my money.

We're both in love... with her.

Where are they having lunch?

156th and Madison.

Oh.

Well, see you, Jer.

Hey, are you going over there?

Me go over there?

Pussyfoot across Madison
Avenue and peep in a window?

Me? Don't be ridiculous.

Was it embarrassing for
you to submit the application?

A little at first.

Had you ever done
anything like this before?

Never.

You know, I don't
understand why a girl...

Well, a girl like you...

Would go to an
organization like Compudate.

I mean, you must
turn prospective suitors

away in crowds.

Thank you. You're very nice.

Curiosity had a lot to
do with it, I suppose.

And meeting the perfect mate
is a pretty strong incentive.

Well, am I the
first possibility?

The first with a
clinical interest.

Yeah... let's see.

You've been in New
York for about a year.

You're a model, and... Whoops.

Hi, honey.

Well, Donald, hello.

Ann Marie, this is Lisa Stevens.

Lisa, this is Ann Marie.

Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

Uh, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm doing here the
same thing you're doing here.

I felt like a bite,
and this seemed like

the handiest place
to bite something.

Well, why don't
you join us, honey?

Oh, no, no, no. You
two go right ahead.

I see an empty stool
over there at the counter.

Please join us.

Oh, well, uh... Well, I suppose,

if you aren't talking about
anything too important.

Just about me.

Well, in that case.

Lisa is from a
small town in Ohio.

She's been in New York
for about eight months.

Is that so?

Ann is from a small
town in upstate New York.

She's been in the
city over a year.

Is that so?

I understand you're an actress.

Yes, that's right.

I'm a would-be actress, too.

Oh, well, actually, I'm
not a "would-be" anymore.

I'm more or less of an "am."

Well, Lisa does mostly
modeling right now.

Nothing important.

Just lingerie, bathing
suits, and stockings.

You know, it's interesting,

you two have practically
the same, uh, measurements.

May I take you order, please?

Tuna salad. Tuna salad.

Is that one tuna salad for two?

Uh, no, no. Make
that three tuna salads.

Ah.

Three great minds
with but a single thought.

You know, as a matter of fact,

I was gonna skip
lunch today, anyway.

I weighed 103 this morning,

so I really think
I better be going.

It was very nice meeting
you, Miss Stevens.

It was very nice
meeting you, Miss Marie.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Donald.

Well, wait a minute.
Excuse me, Lisa.

Honey, I'm surprised at you.

I'm sorry, Donald,

but it's a little annoying
sitting there with Miss Perfect

while you compares us like
a couple of heifers at a dairy.

Honey, she's a very nice girl.

And why shouldn't she
be? She's modeled after you.

That's no consolation when
you two are sitting there

making goo-goo
eyes at each other.

I do not make goo-goo eyes.

When you stare at a girl with
the white showing all around,

that's goo-goo eyes.

Ann, will you please...

That's perfectly
all right, Donald.

Who am I to argue
with a computer?

Ann... All I'm trying to say

is that I care so much
about you, Donald,

that if you really found

the most perfect girl
in the world for you,

then I'll gladly step aside.

I only want you to be happy.

Honey, you're making a
mountain out of a molehill.

Donald, there are some molehills
that just won't make into anything else.

Take it easy.

It's bad enough
you've got a heartache.

What do you need
a charley horse?

Furniture polish is the
best painkiller I know.

Personally, I think you're
making a federal case.

Yeah, well, what if it's true?

What if that computer
really works?

What is Lisa Stevens
is the best thing

that ever happened to Donald?

You can either have a
wonderful career as a maid,

or you could do the same thing.

What do you mean?

Fill out a card and place
my order for another Donald?

Somebody that's got all of his
good qualities and none of his faults?

Yeah.

That's ridiculous.

You don't think it works?

No.

Well, maybe.

Oh, I don't know.

I just find it very
hard to believe

that a machine could come up
with a better fella for me than Don.

Well, if that's true, then why
worry about Lisa Stevens?

I've seen Lisa Stevens.

Well, if you're really that
curious to see how it works,

put in an application.

I'll put one in, too.

Do you think we should?

Why not?

I don't mind throwing
little caution to the winds.

I don't know.

You're not committing
yourself to anyone.

Figure we're going
on a blind date.

He'd probably be
very unattractive.

Dull, uninteresting.

I'll settle for that.

Hello, information?

I'd like the phone
number, please,

of the Compudate Company
on Lexington Avenue.

What time is it?

8:00. Relax!

Oh, my gosh, he'll
be here any minute!

One thing I'll say for them,
they sure don't waste any time.

Send in an application
at 2, he calls at 6,

and you're having
dinner with him at 8.

How about you, have
you heard from them yet?

Not a word.

They're probably being
more selective with you.

I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't
have sent my picture.

I'm so nervous.

What do you think of this?

It's gorgeous.

It's Donald's favorite dress.

I hope he hates it.

Oh, my gosh, he's here.

Take it easy. I'll get it.

Okay, you go talk to him.

Ask him to sit down. Offer
him something to drink.

What have you got?

Well, I've got some tomato juice

and some root beer.

Hurry up!

Coming.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

I'm not sure whether I
have the right apartment.

Is this, uh, D?

This is D.

Is this the apartment
of Ann Marie?

Certainly is. Won't you come in?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm Andrew Marshall.

I know.

You're just the
way I pictured you.

Oh, I'm certainly glad of that.

Sometimes they louse
up the cards, you know.

Punch the holes all wrong,

and then when they put
them in the machines,

you know... Wouldn't
you like to sit down?

Yeah, I'd like it.

Would you like
something to drink?

Yes, as a matter of
fact, I'd appreciate it.

What have you got?

Root beer and tomato juice.

Uh... over ice, please.

You want them mixed?

Yeah, I think I can handle it.

I bet you can handle anything.

She must have gone right
through the windshield.

Hi.

Yeah, hi.

Uh... hi. How are you?

I'm Ann Marie.

Oh, Andrew Marshall.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Oh, I'm very relieved...
Pleased to meet you.

Say, about that
dress... You don't like it?

No, I'm crazy about it.

Oh.

Thank you.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, I was just
looking at your head.

Why, what's the matter with it?

Your hair is brown.

Right.

I ordered blonde.

Oh.

Well, sorry about that.

If you have a little...
I could, you know...

Oh, no, no. I didn't mean that.

But thank you very much.

Oh, don't mention it.

Aiming to please is one
of my better qualities.

I know.

I ordered it. You ordered it.

Very good.

Well, here you are.

Root beer and
tomato juice over ice.

You drink that mixed?

Why not?

Well, here's tearing the
cover off the evening.

Thanks, that, uh...
really hit the spot.

Shall we go?

Yes, I'll get my coat.

Have a good time,
and don't be too late.

Thank you.

It certainly was an
experience meeting you.

Well, how did you
like the first act?

Not very much.

How come?

Oh, I suppose I get
angry with all the writers

who feel that women
are responsible

for all the unhappiness
in the world.

I think we're very
nice to have around.

Do you think that's funny?

Oh, no, no, no.

It sounded exactly like
something Ann might say.

What do you think
of the play so far?

Well, it's no Death
of a Salesman.

Right, my thoughts exactly.
It's no Death of a Salesman.

That was well put.

Why, these machines
are really something.

What machines?

Oh, the computers.

Well, you've got to admit
it's working out great so far.

You're a 5' 5 1/2" actress,

and I'm a writer just under 6'.

Well, it's certainly better
than the other way around.

Getting hungry?

Yes, I am, now
that you mention it.

How about that?

Now that I mention it, so am I.

You know what I
like after the theater?

Pizza.

Right.

I was afraid of that.

What, you don't like it?

I love it.

It's fantastic.

It certainly is.

Do you have a dime?

Yeah. Don't tell me
you've got one, too?

Oh, no.

I just want to
make a phone call.

I'll be right back.

Hi. Are you having a good time?

Terrific. Isn't it awful?

I'm not sure.

He's charming,
amusing, intelligent...

Everything a girl could ask for.

Has Donald called?

No, he hasn't.

He's probably having every
bit as good a time as I am.

That miserable computer
is doing a sensational job.

♪♪

Terrific. You
are really terrific.

Thank you.

That was marvelous
chow mein. Thank you.

You're welcome.

All the waiters knew you.
Do you eat there often?

Well, it's a favorite
evening spot.

That and Antonio's Pizza House.

We usually go to
one or the other.

Where is she tonight?

I don't know. Out for
the evening somewhere.

I guess I've caused
you some trouble.

Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.

Ann understands that
I'm just doing my job.

That's all there is to it.

That's right. She certainly
should understand that.

Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to make that sound...

well, you know. Impersonal.

Don't apologize.

Well, listen,
generally speaking,

how do you feel
about computer dating?

It has splendid possibilities.

Splendid possibilities.

Except for that
notepad of yours.

I am beginning to resent that.

Last reaction, last note.

I'm finished.

That's the last
you'll ever see of it.

Well, we both like Latin music.

We hate practical jokes,

and we have the same initials,

so if we ever get married,

we'll use your
towels and silverware

and my cufflinks.

That could be a very
practical arrangement.

Yeah.

Well, little lady, you
sure do dance up a storm.

I loved the way you
kicked up your heels.

That's terrific.

Oh, do you recognize him?

Well, of course!
That's John Wayne.

That's about the size of it.

I thought he was
walking right behind me.

Do you do any others?

Sure, who would
you like to hear?

Well, uh... I've
got a better idea.

I'll do one, and you guess,

because it makes for
a much better show.

Ed Sullivan.

You're very good.

All right. My best.

Aristotle.

Nobody's ever heard his voice.

Well, you'll just have
to trust me with this one.

Do another one.

All right, sweetie.

How would you like
to see a great view

of Soldiers and Sailors' Monument
from my apartment window?

Oh, that's terrific.
Humphrey Bogart!

Well, the voice was his,
but the question was mine.

Oh.

Well, no, I'm
afraid not, Andrew.

Well, there were a lot of
blank spaces on the card.

It's a perfectly
natural question.

Oh, Andrew, you've
been so very nice,

and I really do feel that I
owe you an explanation.

You see...

That's the wildest
thing I've ever heard.

I'm a guinea pig, and I don't
even know what one sounds like.

Oh, I don't want
you to feel like that.

It was just something
I had to find out,

and it was the only way.

Well, I understand. I
mean, I don't blame you.

The trouble is, I had
a marvelous time.

And now I don't
know what to think.

I'm sorry. I guess I
haven't been too much help.

Well, anyway...

Andrew, would you do me a favor?

Name it.

Would you kiss me?

Why, that wouldn't be
too much trouble at all.

You sure you want me to?

Okay.

How was it?

Well, it was pleasant,

but it wasn't terrific.

Isn't that great?

I don't know. I'm torn.

You know what I mean.

No.

But frankly, Scarlett,

I think I'd like to
leave it that way.

Good night.

Good night, Andrew.

Good night, Ann.

Hi.

Hi, Pete. Did Donald call?

In person.

Good evening.
Where have you been?

I have amazing instincts
about these things,

and my instincts
say, "Get lost."

Good night.

Bye, Pete.

The question still stands.
Where have you been?

Well, I've just been
out for the evening.

Oh, really? Anyone I know?

It wasn't even anybody I knew.

A machine threw us together.

You're kidding.

And he was good-looking
and charming and exciting

and amusing and a good dancer.

All right, all right, enough.

Well, why shouldn't he be?

After all, I ordered
somebody exactly like you.

And on top of everything
else, he did impersonations.

Yeah, an impersonation of me.

Hm-mm. That was
the one he couldn't do.

He didn't have that... magic.

What magic?

Lean slowly toward me.

Hey, wait a minute.
What about you and Lisa?

The story's done.

I don't mean that.

Did you feel any magic?
Did you hear any bells?

Well, I didn't
even try to find out.

Did you?

Oh, well, uh...

That's another one
of my rotten qualities...

Curiosity.

Oh, Donald, this
is really great.

It's not only a good
human interest story,

it's a good machine
interest story, too.

Well, I'm glad
you like it, honey.

Donald, look.

Hi. I'm Andrew Marshall.

I know. I'm Lisa Stevens.

Looks like Lisa and Compudate
have made another strike.

Well, I hope she
does better than that.

Why? What's wrong with him?

Well, I mean, she's interested

in someone like me.

I mean, look at him...
Obviously, no sense of humor,

no charm, no intelligence.

Lousy dancer.

Lousy dancer?

Oh, yeah, sure, you
can see that right away.

Well, after all, Donald,

how many guys are
there around like you?

Or girls like you?

Except we shouldn't
be the ones to say it.

I'll say it... very few.

What do you mean, very few?

Name one.