That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Other Woman - full transcript

While in the city, Lew is taking Ann and Donald out to dinner, after which the two will be heading to the theater while Lew heads home to Brewster. At that dinner, they run into Ethel Merman, who they all previously met when Ann had a small walk-on part in Ethel's revival of "Gypsy". On Ann's urging, Lew drives Ethel to her next appointment - rehearsals for a television special - which they follow with a casual coffee date. That coffee date causes some problems as a gossip columnist spots the two together and reports it. Based on that resulting newspaper article, Helen, who has always wanted what is best for her husband, believes the two are having an affair and she will not stand in their way. As such, she packs her bags, leaves a note for Lew, and stops off at Ann's apartment with bags in tow before she heads to the airport to fly "home" to Phoenix for good. Since Helen won't listen to Lew's explanation, Ann has to try to get Ethel to explain the situation to Helen before Helen flies off, which may not be that easy to do as Ethel is at the television studio doing her live show.

What's the name of this place?

The Footlight Delicatessen.

Why is it so crowded?

It's always crowded.

Especially before the theatre.

I'd never pack 'em in
like this in my restaurant.

It's not conducive to digestion.

Have you decided?

We just sat down.

We're drinking in
the atmosphere.

Order first, drink later.



The old rush act.

If a waiter of mine
tried that in Brewster,

I'd fire him on the spot.

Daddy, this isn't
Brewster. This is Broadway.

$1.85 for a pastrami sandwich?

That's a triple
decker with cole slaw.

And Ethel Merman.

With cole slaw and Ethel Merman?

Donald, that's Ethel
Merman right over there.

Gee, I wonder if
she remembers us.

Of course she remembers us.

I showed her how to
make stuffed cabbage,

and you co-starred
in a show with her.

Oh, Daddy, I didn't co-star.



My part was a walk-on.

You walked on like a co-star.

I'd love to go over
and say hello to her.

Then why don't you?

I think I will.

Honey, she may not
want to be bothered.

Yeah, you're right.

People say hello to
her every day of her life.

Daddy's right.

Probably her greatest
source of irritation.

Donald's right.

Do you know the kid
playing musical chairs?

I should say so.

I'd never forget that girl.

♪♪

Oh, Donald, Ethel
Merman recognized us.

Naturally. Didn't I tell you?

Thank you.

I think she's coming
over to pay her respects.

Hi, there!

Hello, Miss Merman.

You're Ann Marie.

Right.

And you're her father,

and you're her boyfriend, right?

Right.

Wow, what a memory.

And your name is Max.

Lou.

But Max was close,

and his name is
Donald Hollinger.

Nice to see you again.

Thank you.

How's everything,
Ethel? You working?

I'm always working.

I'm taping a special
this Saturday.

Oh, that's marvelous.
I'll bet it's terrific.

Thank you.

You sure your name isn't Max?

I'm positive.

But I did show you how
to cook stuffed cabbage.

You showed me?

She sure did, and
it was delicious.

Oh, Miss Merman, by
any remote possibility,

is there the likelihood
of an outside chance

that you might perhaps
consent to join us?

Well, I hate to be
bossed around,

but okay.

Fine. Let me help you.

Thank you.

Sit right down there.

Fine.

Order, please.

I haven't decided yet.

Neither have I. Neither have I.

I'll have a cup of coffee.

The bigger they are,
the faster they order.

I recommend chicken in the pot.

How do they make it here?

We take a pot, and
we put a chicken in it.

You sold me.

Me, too.

I'll take a cheeseburger.

That's one cup of coffee,

two chicken in two pots,

and one cheeseburger
for the hippie.

How have you all been?

Oh, we've all been just great,

and we're deeply
touched that you asked.

Uh, how have you been?

I've been fine, too.

How's your career coming along?

My career?

My tiny, infinitesimal,
insignificant career?

It's coming along superbly.

Oh, Daddy, it is not.

Honey, you don't get
to be a star overnight.

Look how long Ethel's
been working at it.

Daddy, I wouldn't
put it that way, exactly.

Don't be silly. Ethel isn't
touchy about a thing like that.

He's right.

What was your first
show, Miss Merman?

Girl Crazy.

I remember that
show. You played a girl

who worked on a dude ranch.

I was married to a gambler.

How old were you then?

3 1/2.

How'd you like the food?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Oh, the chicken was delicious,

topped only by the conversation.

For dessert with
chicken in the pot,

you get vanilla ice
cream, lemon sherbet,

or rice pudding.

Cheeseburgers get nothing.

I'll take the rice pudding.

I'll take the nothing.

I'll split it with him.

Honey, if you and I
are going to the theatre,

we'd better go. Yeah, right.

Aren't you going with them?

No, I'm going back to Brewster.

I had business in town,

so I invited the kids to dinner.

Daddy, you're driving
right by the television studio.

Why don't you escort
Miss Merman to rehearsal?

Thank you, but that
won't be necessary.

I insist.

Nothing is too good for
my daughter's co-star.

Daddy.

Good night.

Good night, Mr. Marie.

Thank you for the dinner.

Miss Merman, being with you

has been a rare and
remarkable privilege.

Donald, don't be so cool.

It was a thrilling
personal honor

that we'll remember
as long as we live.

Until death do us part.

Good night. Have fun.

Thank you. Coming from
you, that means a great deal.

Just a minute.

Mother.

Hello, dear. I'm not staying.

I'm just on my
way to the airport.

Where are you going?

Phoenix, Arizona.

At 10 PM this evening,

I'm going home to Mother.

Whose mother?

My mother.

Oh. You mean Grandma.

Yes.

Why? She isn't sick, is she?

No.

Grandma is fine... but, uh...

your father and I are finished.

With what?

With each other.

Oh, Mother, that's ridiculous.

You and Daddy have
been married for 27 years.

Well, that's the way it
happens sometimes...

Here today and gone tomorrow.

Mother, what's happened?
Now, what's wrong?

I don't like to talk about it.

How else am I gonna
find out about it?

The same way I did...

Read about it in the newspapers.

There's another woman.

Where's another woman?
What other woman?

Who's the other woman?

Ethel Merman.

Ethel Merman?

Oh, now, Mother, you're
really being ridiculous.

Page 16, third column,
3 1/4 inches from the top.

All right.

16.

Third column.

3 1/4 inches from the top.

"Lou Marie"... Lou Marie?

"Ethel Merman may
have a new heartthrob.

"The Merm has been seeing

out-of-town restaurant
owner Lou Marie."

There it is in black
and white, you see?

Oh, they don't print those
things unless they're true.

Mother, I can explain that.

Daddy and Donald and I
were having dinner one night,

and we accidentally
ran into Miss Merman.

That's all there is to it.

Well, I can understand

how a man who's been married

to a plain, simple,
unassuming housewife

for over a quarter of
a century... Mother.

Would be unable
to resist the lure

of a woman who's
been a glamorous star

of stage, screen, and television

for over a quarter
of a century. Hmm.

I see you own
one of her records.

I bought that two years ago.

Of course, there's no reason

why you and she
can't be friends.

Now, Mother, you're
not gonna believe this!

Keep that. I have another copy.

And now, with your permission,

I will take a bath.

Somehow, I feel a little soiled.

Daddy!

Ann, I have shocking news.

Your mother has deserted me.

Daddy, calm down
and come inside.

Here it is... the return on 27
years of unselfish devotion...

A farewell note, written
on the back of a grocery list.

"Dear Lou, we made a vow
never to stand in each other's way,

so I won't. Good-bye
and good luck. Helen."

It isn't that I don't
appreciate her attitude.

I'd like to know what
she's talking about.

Ethel Merman, Daddy.

Don't change the subject.

Ethel Merman is
the subject, Daddy.

Here it is... page 16, column 3,

3 1/4 inches from the top.

So and so and so
and so and so and so...

"Lou Marie"? That's me.

I'm afraid so.

"The Merm has been seeing

out-of-town restaurant
owner Lou Marie."

But this is ridiculous.

That's what I told her.

She can't believe this nonsense.

Well, why don't you
try and convince her?

She's in the bedroom.

You mean in there?

I granted her political asylum.

Daddy!

Now, Daddy, she's very upset,

so be sweet and gentle with her.

Ann, if there's
one thing I know,

it's how to get
around your mother.

Helen, I forbid you
to be stupid about this.

Leave the room. I'm disrobing.

Disrobing? So what?

I've seen you
disrobing for 27 years.

I want to talk to you.

Not like this.

Have we reached the stage

where we can't discuss
something in your slip?

If you won't leave
the room, I will.

Helen, I order you to
stand still and face the truth.

I've read the truth.
Spare me the details.

Mother, Daddy.

Now, I know you
both pretty well, and I...

Oh, no, you don't.

We've known each other
longer than you have.

So please don't interfere.

You're practically a newcomer.

All I'm saying is,

you're making much
ado about nothing.

And all I'm saying is,

either you come
home with me at once,

or I'm going back alone.

I'm going to Phoenix, Arizona.

Then you leave
me no alternative.

I'm going back to
Brewster to liquidate.

The restaurant, the
house, everything goes.

Daddy!

Mother!

Mother!

Daddy!

Mother!

Hi, honey. You want
a king-size laugh

right out of today's newspaper?

Not if it's on page 16,

third column, 3 1/4
inches from the top.

We'll open with the Annie
Get Your Gun number,

follow with Gypsy,
then Call Me Madam,

then we'll close
with the ice skaters.

Got it, got it. Uh...

Say, you're improving.

This time, you
got it in both eyes.

How long do I have
to make each change?

Full minute and a half.

What am I gonna do
with all my spare time?

Uh... Oh, Ann. Come in, come in.

Oh, Miss Merman, I'm very sorry.

I didn't want to disturb you.

You're not disturbing anything.

We're just going over the show.

Oh.

Well, I thought you
were gonna be alone,

and I wanted to
ask you something.

That's all right. You can
speak freely in front of my gang.

They're all part of the family.

Oh. Oh, well, fine.

You see, it's about this
article in the newspaper

about your having an
affair with my father.

All right, everybody out.

Now, will you please tell
me what you're talking about?

This.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Who pays any attention
to that sort of stuff?

Well, my mother, for one.

I mean, after all, she's
only a small-town housewife,

and when she reads
in the newspaper

that her husband's infatuated
with a glamorous star,

well... you know.

Come on, Ann.
Lana Turner I ain't.

But Ethel Merman you are,

and my father's been
fascinated by you

since the first time he met you,

and, well, a lot of
women find my father

sort of fascinating, too.

Now, look, Ann, your
father's a very nice man,

but with all due respect,

by the same token
that I ain't Lana Turner,

he ain't Gregory Peck.

Yeah, well, that's
why my mother felt

you were so perfect
for each other.

Five minutes, Ethel.
Opening number.

Oh, I've got to get dressed.

Oh, Miss Merman...

All we did was
have a cup of coffee

that night after rehearsal.

What's that to
get excited about?

Hand me my moccasins.

Oh, sure.

It's just that I've never
seen them like this before.

My mother's talking
about leaving my father,

and my father's talking

about selling the house
and the restaurant.

I don't know where they are.

Well, if you don't know,
I'm sure I don't know.

Well, they're your moccasins.

Oh, I thought you meant
your mother and father.

Oh, no, no. My mother's
at my apartment.

I don't know where my father is.

Three minutes, Miss Merman!

Oh, I'll be right there!

They must be around
here someplace.

Would you mind zipping me up?

Oh, not at all.

Would it be too presumptuous
to ask you a favor?

Oh, gosh, this thing's stuck.

Like what, for instance?

Would you mind calling my mother

and telling her you're
not in love with my father?

Oh, there it is.

But most important of all,

that he's not in love with you.

Why not, if you think
it'll do any good?

Coming from you,
she'll believe it.

One minute, Miss Merman!

I can't find my moccasins!

What do they look like?

They look like moccasins!

If somebody doesn't
do something,

my mother's gonna be on
that 10:00 flight to Phoenix.

Tell her to pick me
out some moccasins.

Here they are, Miss Merman.

Miss Merman, you're on!

How am I doing?

Oh, Miss Merman,
please, would you?

When?

Well, now, if
you're not too busy.

Get her on the
phone. I'll talk to her.

Oh, great. Where's the phone?

Outside and around the corner.

Oh, fine. I'll call her now.

Thanks a lot, Miss
Merman. Thanks.

Get a load of you.
Some other woman.

But, Mother...

Mother, I'm with Ethel
Merman right now,

and she wants to speak to you.

Here she is, Mother.
Here's Ethel Merman.

Max don't mean a thing to me!

Did you hear that, Mother?

Mother?

Mother.

Hello?

She hung up.

Miss Merman,
she didn't hear you.

We'll try again as soon
as I finish my number.

Didn't hear me?!

Since when can't
anybody hear me?

I don't know who else to talk to

except my meat dealer.

I don't like to discuss
intimate family matters

with anybody outside the family.

Not that you're in the family.

Not that there's
much family left

to be in or out of.

Come to think of it, the
way things are going,

you're liable to end up

much closer to the
family than I am.

Well, take my word for it, sir,

this whole thing will blow over.

Here, maybe this'll help.

The biggest trouble of my life,

and I should take
your word for it.

What I ought to do is
grab her by the neck

and drag her back to Brewster.

Frankly, Mr. Marie,
I don't think

Miss Merman will go
under those circumstances.

I was talking about my wife.

Oh. Well, if she's
anything like Ann,

I know your wife won't go

under those
circumstances either.

Are you trying to be funny?

No, no. Not really, Mr. Marie.

I'm just speaking
from experience.

Marie women do
not like to be pushed.

For that matter, neither do
women in show business.

And, as long as we're both
involved with actresses...

You are trying to be funny.

No, no. No, sir, no.

I'm just trying to
get you to realize

it's not the tragedy
you think it is.

Look, Ann is down at
the TV studio right now

talking to Ethel Merman

so that she can
talk to Mrs. Marie

and tell her how ridiculous
it is for anybody to think

that Ethel Merman
could go for you.

Could I take another
whack at that, sir?

I'll have you know

that Ethel Merman has
paid a lot of attention to me.

I'm sorry I ever
discussed this with you.

I'd have been much better
off confiding in my meat dealer.

Uh, sir...

Uh, Mr. Marie, just
one last suggestion.

Why don't I go down to
the TV studio with you?

By the time we get there,

this whole thing
will be cleared up.

Wait. You just wait.

For what?

Wait till you and
Ann have a falling out

and you come to
me with your problem.

See how much sympathy
you'll get from me.

Well, if you won't
listen to me...

there's always your meat dealer.

Have you got her?

The line was busy.

Now it doesn't answer at all.

I don't know what to think.

Keep trying. I have to change
for the Call Me Madam number.

Right.

Oh, come in.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Max!

Lou. Hello, Ethel.

Oh, hi, Don. Ann's
around the corner

trying to get her
mother on the phone.

Thanks. I'll see if I can help.

I, uh, I read the paper, Ethel,

and I'm sorry that I've
compromised you in this manner.

Amazing. Even you believe
it, and you were there.

Five minutes, Ethel,

and there's a Mrs.
Marie to see you.

Mrs. Marie? That's
Helen, my wife.

So what? Don and
Ann are with us.

They were also with
us in the delicatessen.

If my wife ever
finds me in here,

we'll never get this
thing straightened out.

That's just dandy.

Uh, hide behind the screen.

Behind the screen?
That'll never work.

Of course it'll work.

I've done it in a dozen shows.

It always works! Go on!

All right, all right.

Are you sure there's
not a Helen Marie

on your Flight 227
to Phoenix, Arizona?

Come in.

Ann. Shh.

Are there any other
flights to Phoenix tonight?

Ann, your mother is here.

Donald, please,
I'm trying to listen.

What time... What did you say?

She just walked into Ethel
Merman's dressing room.

She just walked into Ethel
Merman's dressing room.

Thank you. We'd better go in.

No, no. The three of them
are in there working things out.

That's what I mean.
We'd better go in.

I suppose I should
thank you for seeing me.

Not at all. I was
looking forward to it.

Now I really have
to finish dressing.

Excuse us, Miss Merman.

Mother, I'm so glad you're here.

I've been trying to reach you.

Daddy and Miss
Merman are going to...

Where's Daddy?

You mean Max?

Her father's name is Lou.

How can I be interested in a man

when I'm not even
sure of his name?

Right.

Well, that's perfectly
understandable.

My husband is a
very attractive man,

and I'm sure you're considered

a very attractive and
well-groomed woman.

I appreciate that.

I could never begin to put
on so much eye make-up.

Was that a compliment?

Yes. Yes, I think so.

Miss Merman, I'll be
as brief as possible.

I just want to hear the
words from your own mouth.

I want to hear you say

"I love Lou Marie,
and he loves me,

and all we care about is
each other's happiness."

I see.

Well, uh, I wonder
how I can phrase this.

Uh, Mrs. Marie,
you're out of your bird.

I beg your pardon?

She feels you're
mistaken, Mother.

Well, I'm a strong woman.

I'm capable of
hearing the truth.

Well, the truth is
you shouldn't believe

everything that you
read in the newspapers.

Now I really have
to get dressed!

Yes, you do. Come
on, Mother. Let's go.

I was prepared to
leave for Phoenix

on any one of four flights.

Three minutes, Miss Merman!

I'm coming!

We'll be out of your
way, Miss Merman.

Good, because right
now, ready or not,

I've got to get behind that
screen and get dressed!

I only bought a one-way ticket.

See you later, Miss Merman.

I think this can be
settled after the show.

Why don't we go out front?

That's a good idea, Mother.

Whew, that was close.

I was so afraid she was gonna
see Daddy behind that screen.

What was he doing
behind that screen?

Well...

Lou, get out of there.

I can't stand up. My back.

What's the matter with it?

World War II.

One day over Berlin, my
crew and I were flying...

Oh, tell me later.

Where is everybody?

Oh. Hi, Ann. What else is new?

Hi, Miss Merman.
Where's my father?

Right there.

Daddy!

I thought you said this
worked in dozens of shows.

It did. That's exactly
the way it worked.

Daddy, what were
you doing back there?

Come on. We've got
to get you out of here.

Take it easy, Ann.

I've got to get dressed.
Close your eyes.

What for? All I can
see are my shoes.

I'm very sorry, Miss Merman.

I'm very sorry.

She's really very nice.

I guess I made a fool of myself.

Oh, not at all, Mrs. Marie.

I'm going back and apologize.

Oh, now, I wouldn't
do that, Mrs. Marie.

Mrs. Marie.

Miss Merman? My father's here.

He hurt his back
looking for my mother.

Oh, Lou, you didn't.

Yes, he most
certainly did, Mother.

Looks legitimate to me.

Helen, you know you're
the only woman I ever loved.

Ether Merman doesn't
mean a thing to me.

Your poor back.
It's all my fault.

Oh, now, sweetheart,
I wouldn't say that.

Neither would I if I were him.

At least not with
a straight face.

Good evening, folks.

If you're wondering why
I asked you here tonight,

read this. Oh.

Uh, "Goof time.

"Ether Merman and out-of-town
restaurant owner Lou Marie

"are strictly platonicsville.

"Their huddles were about
the Merm's professional interest

"in the promising career

of Lou's actress
daughter Ann Marie."

Consider that a free
plug from my press agent.

Oh, Miss Merman, thank you.

Donald, look, my name in print.

Right there... "Ann Marie."

How are you, Helen?

Just fine, Ethel, and you?

Hungry, so eat quick.

We're going to a surprise party

later at the studio.

A surprise party for whom?

Gregory Peck.

Gregory Peck!

Lou! I'm gonna
meet Gregory Peck!

I heard, I heard.

Just remember who saw you first.

Gregory Peck?

Uh, Ann.

Yes, Donald?

The same to you.

Ahem, ahem.

Is this on separate checks?

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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