That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Mailman Cometh - full transcript
Ann takes a job working as a model at Sardi's only on the hope that her not so impromptu monologues to the dining guests will get her noticed by someone important who can give her her big break in show business. The ploy works, as she is spotted by Norman Kramer of Gilliam & Norris, the most renowned theatrical talent agency in New York. Ann's excitement for an appointment that afternoon at the offices of Gilliam & Norris is slightly dampened when she learns that she doesn't have an appointment with penthouse residing Mr. Kramer, but rather basement residing Seymour Schwimmer, an agent currently without any clients and who recent "moved upstairs" from the mail room. Ann isn't sure if young, naive but enthusiastic Seymour can advance her career, but she accepts Seymour's deal to give him 24 hours to "get her name out there" before she decides on her long term association with him. What Seymour comes up with isn't quite what Ann wants or expects - a publicity date with fellow Gilliam & Norris client, comedian Dick Shawn - but Ann goes along with the ploy anyway. What happens on her date shows Ann whether she should hire Seymour to be her full time agent.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
A charming ensemble by Caroline.
Sleek and sophisticated,
it renews the interest of the
fashions of the late Twenties.
And very reminiscent of the
number worn by Miss Kitty Carlisle
in the original production
of Anniversary Waltz,
when she turned
to Macdonald Carey
and said, "You have an idea
"you can just walk out
on me when you feel like it,
"walk back when
you feel like it,
"open your arms and
I'll fall right in them.
"Well, I'm not so impulsive.
"I'm doing this in cold blood.
I'm leaving you, Bud."
Third floor. 289.95.
Good afternoon,
sir. Name, please?
Hollinger.
Ah, yes, Mr. Hollinger.
Reservations for two.
You're waiting for someone?
No, no. She's already here.
I'm waiting for that girl.
♪♪
Hi. Hi.
I'm all set. Let's go.
Where we going?
To the drug store for lunch.
Forget it. We are
gonna eat right here.
Oh, Donald, we can't eat here.
Why not?
Do you realize you could fly
first class round trip to Boston
for what it costs to eat here?
Yeah, but I don't
want to go to Boston,
and I'm hungry.
I'm only trying to
save you some money.
I appreciate it.
Hi, Don.
Hiya, Larry. What's new?
Nothing much.
See? An interview.
Now lunch is on
my expense account.
Besides, honey, its good for
you to be seen in this atmosphere.
People can meet you,
and you can meet people.
I know, that's why I wanted
the modeling job here.
Excuse me, my name
is Norman Kramer.
I'm with Gilliam & Norris.
Yes, sir.
Gilliam & Norris?
That's the biggest theatrical
agency in New York.
Oh, it's a pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Kramer.
I'm Ann Marie, and this is Donald
Hollinger of Newsview Magazine.
How do you do?
Yes, we're familiar
with Mr. Hollinger's work.
Excellent. Thank you.
However, we are not
familiar with Miss Marie's work,
and we would like very
much to discuss her future.
Oh, she'd be delighted!
I mean, I would... be.
Fine. Should we say
this afternoon at 4:00?
At 4:00? Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Kramer.
Nice to have met you.
Our pleasure.
Donald, it worked.
All those little scenes
I've been doing
while I was modeling worked.
Oh, I'm so excited,
my heart's pounding.
So is ours. We're
tickled to death for you.
Oh, Donald, getting
the right agent
is the most important thing
that can happen
to a human being.
Well, honey, I
wouldn't say that.
But it is.
Name one person who got
someplace without a good agent.
Abraham Lincoln.
Well, that's very clever.
Let's go. We don't
have to stay here now.
May I take your order, please?
Oh, well, uh...
Do you have any suckling
pig in coconut milk?
No, I don't think so.
Ann, how about
something a little less exotic,
like a steak, or a nice lobster?
Donald, you know how
I am when I'm like this.
I just get that certain
taste for something.
You understand.
Of course, I do,
Congratulations.
When's the great day?
Today at 4:00.
Yes, may we help you?
Yes, I have an appointment
at 4:00 with Mr. Kramer.
What is the name, please?
Ann Marie.
M-a-r-i-e.
Oh, yes, Miss Marie,
We've been expecting you.
Oh, fine.
Where do I find Mr. Kramer?
Well, Mr. Kramer is
here in the penthouse,
But you're to see Mr. Schwimmer.
Mr. Schwimmer?
Mr. Seymour Schwimmer.
Oh, good. Well,
where do I find him?
Just take the
elevator to the lobby.
To the lobby?
Then walk down one flight.
Thank you.
Come in, Miss Marie.
Mr. Schwimmer?
At your service. Won't you
have a seat, Miss Marie?
They told me you
were expecting me.
Yes, at 4:00.
Sorry, I'm late, it's just that
I went upstairs first
to Mr. Kramer's office.
To the penthouse?
Yes. It's lovely up there.
Is it?
Yes.
I'll be brief, Miss Marie.
Gilliam & Norris would
like to represent you.
I have a contract all prepared.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Well, gee, Mr. Schwimmer,
I'm not sure.
I mean, shouldn't
I read it over first?
Oh, no. It's just
a standard form.
Here you are.
Oh. Oh, my.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay. It's my fault.
Actually, I'm a little nervous.
Getting the right agent's
the most important thing
in the world to me,
Mr. Schwimmer.
Getting the right client is every
bit as important to me, Miss Marie.
Well, you have so many
clients, Mr. Schwimmer.
We have many
clients, Miss Marie.
I haven't any clients... yet.
You don't have any clients?
You're my first.
You might say we'll be
climbing the ladder together.
You mean you've never
been an agent before?
Oh, I've been with
the firm for 2 years.
Doing what?
Observing, growing.
Growing.
Not like this.
This is it.
I mean, learning.
You mean, you don't
have any experience.
What I lack in
experience, Miss Marie,
I make up in pure enthusiasm.
That's why I was
kicked upstairs.
Kicked... upstairs?
From where?
From downstairs.
What's downstairs?
The mailroom.
The mailroom?
Oh. Mr. Schwimmer, I really
do appreciate your interest,
I really do, but I
really think that...
Oh, please, Miss Marie,
consider what you're doing.
I am, and I have,
and I'm leaving.
Miss Marie, you're
my first client.
If you walk out on me, I'll
never be forgiven up there.
We are all forgiven up
there, Mr. Schwimmer.
Way, way up, yes. But
in the penthouse? Never.
They take no excuses.
Their confidence
in me would vanish.
I'm very sorry, Mr. Schwimmer.
Seymour. Call me Seymour.
Seymour. I'm very
sorry, Seymour.
Ann... May I call you Ann?
Yes.
Ann, for heaven's sake,
think of what you're doing.
This would be like the
blind leading the blind.
I won't let you go.
Mr. Schwimmer! Seymour.
Seymour, unlock that door!
Not until I've had my say.
I've got guts.
Inside me is a recklessness
that comes from an
unfamiliarity with defeat.
Every ounce of adrenaline
is dedicated to you,
your career, your life.
For heaven's sake, use me!
But I don't know what to
do with you, Mr. Schwimmer.
Just give me a chance.
I'll make you a star.
I'll take an oath.
How can you do that?
I'm not a liar, Miss Marie.
Just give me a chance.
Seymour... Just 24 hours.
24 hours?
If I don't have your name all
over Broadway in 24 hours,
I'll go back to the mailroom
from whence I came.
I'll never bother you again,
and I'll never use the
name artist representative.
All right, Seymour.
Oh, Ann, you won't be sorry.
Seymour, you've got 24 hours.
Not a minute longer.
Ann, we have to be at the
movies in exactly 17 minutes.
Why exactly 17?
'Cause no one is
supposed to reveal
how one picture ends
and the other one starts.
So you can't get out of the
theater after end of the first feature,
and you can't get in after
the beginning of the second.
I bet you could arrive
at the wrong time
and never be seen again.
Hello. Yes, this is Ann Marie.
Who's this?
Seymour? Seymour who?
Oh! It's Seymour
Schwimmer, my new agent.
Hello, Seymour.
Ann, with me, a
promise is a promise.
I've finalized a
deal. Are you ready?
Yes! Tell me. What is it?
Something on Broadway?
It is?
A play? Dinner?
A play about dinner.
Dinner at Eight.
The Man Who came to Dinner.
The Long Christmas Dinner.
What do you mean "just dinner"?
On Broadway.
Ann, you are going
to have dinner with one
of the most eligible bachelor
stars in show business.
Seymour, I don't
want to have dinner.
I just had dinner.
I want a play.
Ann, you're gonna be
escorted by Dick Shawn,
a huge personality,
Ann. Dick Shawn.
You'll be photographed together.
Your name will be in all the columns.
But Seymour, I don't want
to become a star that way.
Anyway, why would Dick Shawn
want to have dinner with me?
He's a client. I've discussed
it with the penthouse.
They agree it would
be a wise move.
I'm not so sure I agree
with the penthouse.
What are you talking about?
Seymour, can I
call you right back?
Fine. Think about it. I won't leave
my office until I hear from you.
I guess it is true that good
publicity never hurt anybody.
What do you think, Donald?
Honey, there's a great
value in being seen,
especially with such a
well-known comedian.
You wouldn't mind?
With certain conditions.
Such as?
That he's not excessively
charming or amusing.
That you talk a
great deal about me.
And at the end of the evening,
he's got to give you back.
Oh, Donald. Don't be silly.
Comedians belong to everybody.
No one in their right mind
would want one for their very own.
Here I come.
What do you think?
You look sensational.
Is that you talking, or
are you looking at me
through the eyes of Dick Shawn?
I'll do better than that.
I'll surprise
myself. Never fails.
I'm going to give myself a
completely objective point of view.
Watch.
Ahhh! Ohh!
Oh, I was right!
You look perfect!
That's the way you
surprise yourself?
Not everybody can do it.
You have to be able to
make your mind a total blank.
I'd teach you, but it just
isn't a thing you can pass on.
That's him! That's Dick Shawn.
I'm so excited, I'm
getting a headache.
I'll get the door. I'll get it.
But I warn you,
until he sees you,
the next few moments are mine.
How do I look? Perfect.
Hi there.
Call the police,
you've been had.
This guy is no more
Dick Shawn than I am.
Oh, Pete. This is my new
agent, Seymour Schwimmer.
Seymour, where's Dick Shawn?
Unavoidably detained.
He sends his humblest
apologies and requests
that we meet him at the
theater. Are you ready?
Yes. I guess so.
Okay. Here we go.
Now remember, never
look directly at the flashbulbs.
And keep wetting your lips.
Good night, Pete.
Have a marvelous time.
Here, help me into this.
I'll tell you about
everything later.
Make notes.
We'd better go. I'm ready.
Keep wetting your lips.
I'm sorry you didn't
get to meet Dick Shawn.
That's okay.
Tell him about
me. And lie a little.
Don't worry, Ann. He'll be here.
He's gonna make an
entrance and you know
you can't be early
for an entrance.
Keep wetting your
lips so you'll be ready.
I just wish he'd hurry.
They're getting chapped.
In the meantime, why don't I get
a couple of pictures
of you alone.
I'll go set it up. Okay.
Getting thirsty?
No. Getting photographed.
Thank you.
Nice shot. Are you with The
Times, The News or The Post?
The News.
I'm with Gilliam & Norris.
Seymour Schwimmer,
talent representative.
I thought I'd just make
mention of the fact
that Miss Ann Marie
is standing over there.
Ann Marie who?
Ann Marie plain. She's up for
the lead in Neil Simon's new play.
Well, if she gets
it, you let me know.
Why not a few pictures now?
Well, if she doesn't get
it, I waste a flashbulb.
Hey, aren't you from
Broadway Magazine?
Uh-huh.
That's Ann Marie over there.
Wouldn't she make a great cover?
Never heard of her.
You will, I promise you.
It's worth a week's salary
if you grab picture
for the magazine.
For 300 bucks, why not?
No, not your salary. Mine. $40.
Ha.
Where's the photographer?
They're all lined
up at the moment.
We might as well go in.
Go in without Dick?
It's all right,
he's got a ticket.
Great show, wasn't it?
Terrific.
But, Seymour, that
man sitting next to me
was not Dick Shawn.
Of course it wasn't.
But that's Dick for you.
What's Dick for me?
Generous to a fault.
As soon as he knew he
was gonna be delayed,
he probably gave his ticket
to the first guy who came along.
He'll meet us at Sardi's.
You don't sound
so sure, Seymour.
Of course I'm sure.
I'll worry about Dick Shawn.
I worry about the way you
worry about Dick Shawn.
Pardon me. Excuse
me. Beg your pardon.
Seymour, there he
is. There's Dick Shawn.
Now do you believe me?
Now do you have a little faith?
Oh, Seymour, I never
really doubted you.
Ok, I'm gonna go get Dick.
You stay here, keep
smiling, and wet your lips.
I can't do both
at the same time.
Alternate.
"To Zelda.
"With love, Dick
Shawn." All right?
Thank you. And what's your name?
Oh, it's not for me.
It's for my niece.
Of course.
What is her name,
and how old is she?
Diana, and she's 42.
"Diana, respectfully
Dick Shawn." Thank you.
Thank you.
And what's your name?
Pardon me. May I
get through here?
Excuse me. I beg
your pardon, ma'am.
Please, do not shove.
"Dick Shawn."
Thank you very much.
And to... a pretty girl.
"Dick Shawn."
Hi, Dick.
Hi. Hey, how are you?
What's your name?
Seymour. Seymour Schwimmer.
Seymour. "To Seymour.
Good luck. Dick Shawn."
Thank you very much.
However, there
is another matter.
I'm your agent.
I'm with Gilliam & Norris.
Gilliam & Norris? Give me that.
Let me see what I signed here.
"For deposit only."
Mr. Shawn? Mr. Shawn?
I've been trying to
reach you all day, sir,
in regard to a fellow
client named Ann Marie.
I don't know any fellow
named Ann Marie.
This isn't a fellow,
sir. This is a girl.
A kind of an up-and-coming,
a star on the horizon,
a very talented girl.
I wonder, uh, could
you, uh, wave to her?
All right. Where is she?
She's over there. The
one in the blue dress.
Oh, the thirsty-looking one.
She's not bad.
You know, to practically
save a human life,
I'm asking for one dance,
one that you probably
wouldn't even use tonight.
All right.
Lucky for you, I've got
some strength and rhythm
left from my dinner show.
Mr. Shawn, I'm
forever in your debt.
Make way for Mr. Shawn, please!
Mr. Dick Shawn the
comedian is coming through.
You sound like my mother. Come.
Here's Dick, Ann.
I knew something
had held him up.
He had a dinner show to do.
Didn't you, Dick?
Right. Right.
So, you're Ann Marie.
Yes.
Well, let me tell you,
I've met an awful lot
of Ann Marie's before,
but you are
something very special.
Thank you, Mr. Shawn.
I hope it's not too
corny for me to say
that I'm one of
your biggest fans.
Not corny, beautiful.
You sound like my mother.
A sense of humor,
too. I like that.
Would you like to dance?
I'd love to. She'd love to.
Now tell me, why
would a nice girl like you
put paint on her lips and
come to a place like this?
You sound like my father.
What kind of a show
was it that you did tonight?
A great one. I'm
sorry you didn't see it.
So am I. But you
missed a good play.
Oh, what play was that?
The play you were
supposed to take me to.
Oh, that play.
Well, I returned the ticket.
I'll see it some other time.
But Seymour said you gave
the ticket to somebody else.
Oh, that ticket. I thought
you meant the other ticket.
What other ticket?
The one I gave to my secretary.
A little girl that works for
me. I gave her the ticket.
But there was a man
sitting in your seat.
A man? Oh, that's her.
Nice looking girl,
with a mustache.
That's my secretary.
Mr. Shawn, you're
a terrific comedian,
but you're a terrible liar.
Well, nobody's perfect.
We didn't have a
date tonight, did we?
No, but we would
have if I'd known it.
And all along Seymour was
just hoping that we'd run into you,
and he could talk you
into dancing with me.
Uh, you better take the picture
now. They stopped dancing.
It's okay, these ain't movies.
Once he pointed you out to me,
there was no need
for any more talking.
Thank you, Mr. Shawn,
you're very nice,
and I'm very embarrassed.
What's she doing?
She's leaving him.
She shouldn't do that.
Just a minute, there!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Hold on, there, you, Dick Shawn!
You might be crazy about this
bright, new personality Ann Marie,
but you'll have
to kill me first.
What are you talking about?
Seymour, what are you doing?
Don't worry.
You bright, new
personality Ann Marie!
He's not going to toy
with your affections!
Oh, dear!
Oh!
Seymour, what have you done?
My caps! Where are my caps?
Get in there, and wet your lips.
Mr. Shawn, are you all right?
My caps are gone.
Where are my caps?
Oh, there's one. There's one.
Right over there.
No.
Can't you see it?
No, I lost my contact lens, too.
Would you watch your step?
Dick, I just want you to know
that somehow, someway,
I'll make this up to you.
Seymour? Is that you, Seymour?
Yes, sir.
Seymour, I want you to know
that if I can ever
see you again,
somehow, someway,
I am going to kill you.
Oh, Seymour.
I'm sorry, Ann.
Hold it!
This is terrible.
This is just terrible.
Well, honey, you wanted
publicity, you sure got it.
"Agent and star fight
over unknown starlet."
"Mystery girl causes fight
between agent and actor."
"Seymour Schwimmer takes a whack
at unidentified comedian over
nameless would-be actress."
I'm not sure what it is,
but I have a feeling there's
a moral there someplace.
The moral is you can take
the boy out of the mailroom,
but you can't take the
mailroom out of the boy,
so put him back in.
Oh, Seymour.
You mean they pushed
you back downstairs?
You're not mad at me,
are you, Ann? Don?
Of course not.
You can't blame
someone for trying.
Seymour, chalk it
up to experience.
I'm terribly sorry, Ann.
But I know that someday
you really will be a big star,
and you'll make
it without publicity.
Thank you, Seymour.
And if I ever do, I'm gonna
personally ask for you
to be my representative.
Thank you.
I'll be waiting...
in the mailroom.
There he is.
Oh, Mr. Shawn, I'm
so glad we found you.
This is Donald Hollinger
of Newsview Magazine.
Look, and you can quote
me that I am not trying
to take this girl
away from anybody.
Well, I'm glad to hear
that, because if you were,
I'd be the "anybody"
you were gonna
take her away from.
Now just hold it.
You wouldn't hit a man
with temporaries, would you?
We're only here to ask
you to please help Seymour.
Right or wrong, he
was only doing his job,
and you said yourself he was
knocking his brains out for me.
Sure, then he knocked
everything out for me.
Which reminds me, I have a
very expensive appointment
with my dentist.
Oh, well, on your way over,
you could stop off
at Gilliam & Norris.
Look, I'll bet a
phone call would do it.
I'll think about it.
But it's not an easy
thing for me to forget.
He didn't hurt you that badly.
Not that badly?
"Unidentified comedian"?
Hi!
Hi, Seymour.
Don't tell me. Let me guess.
Let me guess.
You've been
kicked back upstairs.
Right! And there's more.
I just talked with Dick
Shawn personally.
I've got some great news.
There's a part for
me in his new show?
No, but when he
gets his new caps,
he's gonna settle with me
for ten cents on the dollar.
Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
A charming ensemble by Caroline.
Sleek and sophisticated,
it renews the interest of the
fashions of the late Twenties.
And very reminiscent of the
number worn by Miss Kitty Carlisle
in the original production
of Anniversary Waltz,
when she turned
to Macdonald Carey
and said, "You have an idea
"you can just walk out
on me when you feel like it,
"walk back when
you feel like it,
"open your arms and
I'll fall right in them.
"Well, I'm not so impulsive.
"I'm doing this in cold blood.
I'm leaving you, Bud."
Third floor. 289.95.
Good afternoon,
sir. Name, please?
Hollinger.
Ah, yes, Mr. Hollinger.
Reservations for two.
You're waiting for someone?
No, no. She's already here.
I'm waiting for that girl.
♪♪
Hi. Hi.
I'm all set. Let's go.
Where we going?
To the drug store for lunch.
Forget it. We are
gonna eat right here.
Oh, Donald, we can't eat here.
Why not?
Do you realize you could fly
first class round trip to Boston
for what it costs to eat here?
Yeah, but I don't
want to go to Boston,
and I'm hungry.
I'm only trying to
save you some money.
I appreciate it.
Hi, Don.
Hiya, Larry. What's new?
Nothing much.
See? An interview.
Now lunch is on
my expense account.
Besides, honey, its good for
you to be seen in this atmosphere.
People can meet you,
and you can meet people.
I know, that's why I wanted
the modeling job here.
Excuse me, my name
is Norman Kramer.
I'm with Gilliam & Norris.
Yes, sir.
Gilliam & Norris?
That's the biggest theatrical
agency in New York.
Oh, it's a pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Kramer.
I'm Ann Marie, and this is Donald
Hollinger of Newsview Magazine.
How do you do?
Yes, we're familiar
with Mr. Hollinger's work.
Excellent. Thank you.
However, we are not
familiar with Miss Marie's work,
and we would like very
much to discuss her future.
Oh, she'd be delighted!
I mean, I would... be.
Fine. Should we say
this afternoon at 4:00?
At 4:00? Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Kramer.
Nice to have met you.
Our pleasure.
Donald, it worked.
All those little scenes
I've been doing
while I was modeling worked.
Oh, I'm so excited,
my heart's pounding.
So is ours. We're
tickled to death for you.
Oh, Donald, getting
the right agent
is the most important thing
that can happen
to a human being.
Well, honey, I
wouldn't say that.
But it is.
Name one person who got
someplace without a good agent.
Abraham Lincoln.
Well, that's very clever.
Let's go. We don't
have to stay here now.
May I take your order, please?
Oh, well, uh...
Do you have any suckling
pig in coconut milk?
No, I don't think so.
Ann, how about
something a little less exotic,
like a steak, or a nice lobster?
Donald, you know how
I am when I'm like this.
I just get that certain
taste for something.
You understand.
Of course, I do,
Congratulations.
When's the great day?
Today at 4:00.
Yes, may we help you?
Yes, I have an appointment
at 4:00 with Mr. Kramer.
What is the name, please?
Ann Marie.
M-a-r-i-e.
Oh, yes, Miss Marie,
We've been expecting you.
Oh, fine.
Where do I find Mr. Kramer?
Well, Mr. Kramer is
here in the penthouse,
But you're to see Mr. Schwimmer.
Mr. Schwimmer?
Mr. Seymour Schwimmer.
Oh, good. Well,
where do I find him?
Just take the
elevator to the lobby.
To the lobby?
Then walk down one flight.
Thank you.
Come in, Miss Marie.
Mr. Schwimmer?
At your service. Won't you
have a seat, Miss Marie?
They told me you
were expecting me.
Yes, at 4:00.
Sorry, I'm late, it's just that
I went upstairs first
to Mr. Kramer's office.
To the penthouse?
Yes. It's lovely up there.
Is it?
Yes.
I'll be brief, Miss Marie.
Gilliam & Norris would
like to represent you.
I have a contract all prepared.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Well, gee, Mr. Schwimmer,
I'm not sure.
I mean, shouldn't
I read it over first?
Oh, no. It's just
a standard form.
Here you are.
Oh. Oh, my.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay. It's my fault.
Actually, I'm a little nervous.
Getting the right agent's
the most important thing
in the world to me,
Mr. Schwimmer.
Getting the right client is every
bit as important to me, Miss Marie.
Well, you have so many
clients, Mr. Schwimmer.
We have many
clients, Miss Marie.
I haven't any clients... yet.
You don't have any clients?
You're my first.
You might say we'll be
climbing the ladder together.
You mean you've never
been an agent before?
Oh, I've been with
the firm for 2 years.
Doing what?
Observing, growing.
Growing.
Not like this.
This is it.
I mean, learning.
You mean, you don't
have any experience.
What I lack in
experience, Miss Marie,
I make up in pure enthusiasm.
That's why I was
kicked upstairs.
Kicked... upstairs?
From where?
From downstairs.
What's downstairs?
The mailroom.
The mailroom?
Oh. Mr. Schwimmer, I really
do appreciate your interest,
I really do, but I
really think that...
Oh, please, Miss Marie,
consider what you're doing.
I am, and I have,
and I'm leaving.
Miss Marie, you're
my first client.
If you walk out on me, I'll
never be forgiven up there.
We are all forgiven up
there, Mr. Schwimmer.
Way, way up, yes. But
in the penthouse? Never.
They take no excuses.
Their confidence
in me would vanish.
I'm very sorry, Mr. Schwimmer.
Seymour. Call me Seymour.
Seymour. I'm very
sorry, Seymour.
Ann... May I call you Ann?
Yes.
Ann, for heaven's sake,
think of what you're doing.
This would be like the
blind leading the blind.
I won't let you go.
Mr. Schwimmer! Seymour.
Seymour, unlock that door!
Not until I've had my say.
I've got guts.
Inside me is a recklessness
that comes from an
unfamiliarity with defeat.
Every ounce of adrenaline
is dedicated to you,
your career, your life.
For heaven's sake, use me!
But I don't know what to
do with you, Mr. Schwimmer.
Just give me a chance.
I'll make you a star.
I'll take an oath.
How can you do that?
I'm not a liar, Miss Marie.
Just give me a chance.
Seymour... Just 24 hours.
24 hours?
If I don't have your name all
over Broadway in 24 hours,
I'll go back to the mailroom
from whence I came.
I'll never bother you again,
and I'll never use the
name artist representative.
All right, Seymour.
Oh, Ann, you won't be sorry.
Seymour, you've got 24 hours.
Not a minute longer.
Ann, we have to be at the
movies in exactly 17 minutes.
Why exactly 17?
'Cause no one is
supposed to reveal
how one picture ends
and the other one starts.
So you can't get out of the
theater after end of the first feature,
and you can't get in after
the beginning of the second.
I bet you could arrive
at the wrong time
and never be seen again.
Hello. Yes, this is Ann Marie.
Who's this?
Seymour? Seymour who?
Oh! It's Seymour
Schwimmer, my new agent.
Hello, Seymour.
Ann, with me, a
promise is a promise.
I've finalized a
deal. Are you ready?
Yes! Tell me. What is it?
Something on Broadway?
It is?
A play? Dinner?
A play about dinner.
Dinner at Eight.
The Man Who came to Dinner.
The Long Christmas Dinner.
What do you mean "just dinner"?
On Broadway.
Ann, you are going
to have dinner with one
of the most eligible bachelor
stars in show business.
Seymour, I don't
want to have dinner.
I just had dinner.
I want a play.
Ann, you're gonna be
escorted by Dick Shawn,
a huge personality,
Ann. Dick Shawn.
You'll be photographed together.
Your name will be in all the columns.
But Seymour, I don't want
to become a star that way.
Anyway, why would Dick Shawn
want to have dinner with me?
He's a client. I've discussed
it with the penthouse.
They agree it would
be a wise move.
I'm not so sure I agree
with the penthouse.
What are you talking about?
Seymour, can I
call you right back?
Fine. Think about it. I won't leave
my office until I hear from you.
I guess it is true that good
publicity never hurt anybody.
What do you think, Donald?
Honey, there's a great
value in being seen,
especially with such a
well-known comedian.
You wouldn't mind?
With certain conditions.
Such as?
That he's not excessively
charming or amusing.
That you talk a
great deal about me.
And at the end of the evening,
he's got to give you back.
Oh, Donald. Don't be silly.
Comedians belong to everybody.
No one in their right mind
would want one for their very own.
Here I come.
What do you think?
You look sensational.
Is that you talking, or
are you looking at me
through the eyes of Dick Shawn?
I'll do better than that.
I'll surprise
myself. Never fails.
I'm going to give myself a
completely objective point of view.
Watch.
Ahhh! Ohh!
Oh, I was right!
You look perfect!
That's the way you
surprise yourself?
Not everybody can do it.
You have to be able to
make your mind a total blank.
I'd teach you, but it just
isn't a thing you can pass on.
That's him! That's Dick Shawn.
I'm so excited, I'm
getting a headache.
I'll get the door. I'll get it.
But I warn you,
until he sees you,
the next few moments are mine.
How do I look? Perfect.
Hi there.
Call the police,
you've been had.
This guy is no more
Dick Shawn than I am.
Oh, Pete. This is my new
agent, Seymour Schwimmer.
Seymour, where's Dick Shawn?
Unavoidably detained.
He sends his humblest
apologies and requests
that we meet him at the
theater. Are you ready?
Yes. I guess so.
Okay. Here we go.
Now remember, never
look directly at the flashbulbs.
And keep wetting your lips.
Good night, Pete.
Have a marvelous time.
Here, help me into this.
I'll tell you about
everything later.
Make notes.
We'd better go. I'm ready.
Keep wetting your lips.
I'm sorry you didn't
get to meet Dick Shawn.
That's okay.
Tell him about
me. And lie a little.
Don't worry, Ann. He'll be here.
He's gonna make an
entrance and you know
you can't be early
for an entrance.
Keep wetting your
lips so you'll be ready.
I just wish he'd hurry.
They're getting chapped.
In the meantime, why don't I get
a couple of pictures
of you alone.
I'll go set it up. Okay.
Getting thirsty?
No. Getting photographed.
Thank you.
Nice shot. Are you with The
Times, The News or The Post?
The News.
I'm with Gilliam & Norris.
Seymour Schwimmer,
talent representative.
I thought I'd just make
mention of the fact
that Miss Ann Marie
is standing over there.
Ann Marie who?
Ann Marie plain. She's up for
the lead in Neil Simon's new play.
Well, if she gets
it, you let me know.
Why not a few pictures now?
Well, if she doesn't get
it, I waste a flashbulb.
Hey, aren't you from
Broadway Magazine?
Uh-huh.
That's Ann Marie over there.
Wouldn't she make a great cover?
Never heard of her.
You will, I promise you.
It's worth a week's salary
if you grab picture
for the magazine.
For 300 bucks, why not?
No, not your salary. Mine. $40.
Ha.
Where's the photographer?
They're all lined
up at the moment.
We might as well go in.
Go in without Dick?
It's all right,
he's got a ticket.
Great show, wasn't it?
Terrific.
But, Seymour, that
man sitting next to me
was not Dick Shawn.
Of course it wasn't.
But that's Dick for you.
What's Dick for me?
Generous to a fault.
As soon as he knew he
was gonna be delayed,
he probably gave his ticket
to the first guy who came along.
He'll meet us at Sardi's.
You don't sound
so sure, Seymour.
Of course I'm sure.
I'll worry about Dick Shawn.
I worry about the way you
worry about Dick Shawn.
Pardon me. Excuse
me. Beg your pardon.
Seymour, there he
is. There's Dick Shawn.
Now do you believe me?
Now do you have a little faith?
Oh, Seymour, I never
really doubted you.
Ok, I'm gonna go get Dick.
You stay here, keep
smiling, and wet your lips.
I can't do both
at the same time.
Alternate.
"To Zelda.
"With love, Dick
Shawn." All right?
Thank you. And what's your name?
Oh, it's not for me.
It's for my niece.
Of course.
What is her name,
and how old is she?
Diana, and she's 42.
"Diana, respectfully
Dick Shawn." Thank you.
Thank you.
And what's your name?
Pardon me. May I
get through here?
Excuse me. I beg
your pardon, ma'am.
Please, do not shove.
"Dick Shawn."
Thank you very much.
And to... a pretty girl.
"Dick Shawn."
Hi, Dick.
Hi. Hey, how are you?
What's your name?
Seymour. Seymour Schwimmer.
Seymour. "To Seymour.
Good luck. Dick Shawn."
Thank you very much.
However, there
is another matter.
I'm your agent.
I'm with Gilliam & Norris.
Gilliam & Norris? Give me that.
Let me see what I signed here.
"For deposit only."
Mr. Shawn? Mr. Shawn?
I've been trying to
reach you all day, sir,
in regard to a fellow
client named Ann Marie.
I don't know any fellow
named Ann Marie.
This isn't a fellow,
sir. This is a girl.
A kind of an up-and-coming,
a star on the horizon,
a very talented girl.
I wonder, uh, could
you, uh, wave to her?
All right. Where is she?
She's over there. The
one in the blue dress.
Oh, the thirsty-looking one.
She's not bad.
You know, to practically
save a human life,
I'm asking for one dance,
one that you probably
wouldn't even use tonight.
All right.
Lucky for you, I've got
some strength and rhythm
left from my dinner show.
Mr. Shawn, I'm
forever in your debt.
Make way for Mr. Shawn, please!
Mr. Dick Shawn the
comedian is coming through.
You sound like my mother. Come.
Here's Dick, Ann.
I knew something
had held him up.
He had a dinner show to do.
Didn't you, Dick?
Right. Right.
So, you're Ann Marie.
Yes.
Well, let me tell you,
I've met an awful lot
of Ann Marie's before,
but you are
something very special.
Thank you, Mr. Shawn.
I hope it's not too
corny for me to say
that I'm one of
your biggest fans.
Not corny, beautiful.
You sound like my mother.
A sense of humor,
too. I like that.
Would you like to dance?
I'd love to. She'd love to.
Now tell me, why
would a nice girl like you
put paint on her lips and
come to a place like this?
You sound like my father.
What kind of a show
was it that you did tonight?
A great one. I'm
sorry you didn't see it.
So am I. But you
missed a good play.
Oh, what play was that?
The play you were
supposed to take me to.
Oh, that play.
Well, I returned the ticket.
I'll see it some other time.
But Seymour said you gave
the ticket to somebody else.
Oh, that ticket. I thought
you meant the other ticket.
What other ticket?
The one I gave to my secretary.
A little girl that works for
me. I gave her the ticket.
But there was a man
sitting in your seat.
A man? Oh, that's her.
Nice looking girl,
with a mustache.
That's my secretary.
Mr. Shawn, you're
a terrific comedian,
but you're a terrible liar.
Well, nobody's perfect.
We didn't have a
date tonight, did we?
No, but we would
have if I'd known it.
And all along Seymour was
just hoping that we'd run into you,
and he could talk you
into dancing with me.
Uh, you better take the picture
now. They stopped dancing.
It's okay, these ain't movies.
Once he pointed you out to me,
there was no need
for any more talking.
Thank you, Mr. Shawn,
you're very nice,
and I'm very embarrassed.
What's she doing?
She's leaving him.
She shouldn't do that.
Just a minute, there!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Hold on, there, you, Dick Shawn!
You might be crazy about this
bright, new personality Ann Marie,
but you'll have
to kill me first.
What are you talking about?
Seymour, what are you doing?
Don't worry.
You bright, new
personality Ann Marie!
He's not going to toy
with your affections!
Oh, dear!
Oh!
Seymour, what have you done?
My caps! Where are my caps?
Get in there, and wet your lips.
Mr. Shawn, are you all right?
My caps are gone.
Where are my caps?
Oh, there's one. There's one.
Right over there.
No.
Can't you see it?
No, I lost my contact lens, too.
Would you watch your step?
Dick, I just want you to know
that somehow, someway,
I'll make this up to you.
Seymour? Is that you, Seymour?
Yes, sir.
Seymour, I want you to know
that if I can ever
see you again,
somehow, someway,
I am going to kill you.
Oh, Seymour.
I'm sorry, Ann.
Hold it!
This is terrible.
This is just terrible.
Well, honey, you wanted
publicity, you sure got it.
"Agent and star fight
over unknown starlet."
"Mystery girl causes fight
between agent and actor."
"Seymour Schwimmer takes a whack
at unidentified comedian over
nameless would-be actress."
I'm not sure what it is,
but I have a feeling there's
a moral there someplace.
The moral is you can take
the boy out of the mailroom,
but you can't take the
mailroom out of the boy,
so put him back in.
Oh, Seymour.
You mean they pushed
you back downstairs?
You're not mad at me,
are you, Ann? Don?
Of course not.
You can't blame
someone for trying.
Seymour, chalk it
up to experience.
I'm terribly sorry, Ann.
But I know that someday
you really will be a big star,
and you'll make
it without publicity.
Thank you, Seymour.
And if I ever do, I'm gonna
personally ask for you
to be my representative.
Thank you.
I'll be waiting...
in the mailroom.
There he is.
Oh, Mr. Shawn, I'm
so glad we found you.
This is Donald Hollinger
of Newsview Magazine.
Look, and you can quote
me that I am not trying
to take this girl
away from anybody.
Well, I'm glad to hear
that, because if you were,
I'd be the "anybody"
you were gonna
take her away from.
Now just hold it.
You wouldn't hit a man
with temporaries, would you?
We're only here to ask
you to please help Seymour.
Right or wrong, he
was only doing his job,
and you said yourself he was
knocking his brains out for me.
Sure, then he knocked
everything out for me.
Which reminds me, I have a
very expensive appointment
with my dentist.
Oh, well, on your way over,
you could stop off
at Gilliam & Norris.
Look, I'll bet a
phone call would do it.
I'll think about it.
But it's not an easy
thing for me to forget.
He didn't hurt you that badly.
Not that badly?
"Unidentified comedian"?
Hi!
Hi, Seymour.
Don't tell me. Let me guess.
Let me guess.
You've been
kicked back upstairs.
Right! And there's more.
I just talked with Dick
Shawn personally.
I've got some great news.
There's a part for
me in his new show?
No, but when he
gets his new caps,
he's gonna settle with me
for ten cents on the dollar.
Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA