That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 29 - Author, Author - full transcript
Ann passes her initial audition to appear on the Talent Showcase. She learns from Mr. Handley, the producer, that for the final audition, she needs to prepare original comedy material, of which she was initially unaware. This causes a problem as Ann doesn't know any comedy writers who can write for her. Luckily, Donald knows that Jerry knows a comedy writer: his cousin, Ernie Bernie. Ernie's material doesn't end up being funny. So when Ann learns that Donald wrote a few comedy sketches when he was in college, Ann begs him to write a sketch for her. He reluctantly agrees. But he doesn't regret it after he's done as he believes the sketch is brilliant. Unfortunately, Ann doesn't think it's at all funny, her opinion which she corroborates with Judy. Ann doesn't know whether to tell Donald the truth, or go to the audition and in the process make a potential fool of herself.
♪ Oh yes, I think I'm
ready for Broadway... ♪
♪ and Broadway's ready for, ♪
♪ Broadway's ready for, ♪
♪ Broadway's ready for me ♪
Thank you very much.
Would you mind waiting
a few minutes, please?
Those are the kind of kids I like to
follow: young, enthusiastic, and no talent.
Oh, I keep goofing that line.
What's the matter
hon, audition-itis?
Oh, I guess so.
I just keep thinking about that
audience full of producers and directors
that aren't gonna see me
if I don't make this show.
Look, if you're really
good they'll get to see you
whether you make
Talent Showcase or not.
Yeah, you're right.
You know, like
my boyfriend said:
if they don't take
me, it's their loss.
And that is the only
way to look at an audition.
Absolutely!
I only wish I could
look at it that way.
All right, all right,
let's get started.
Who's next?
This girl?
No, that girl.
♪♪
Now I promise you,
you have showed a
tender fatherly regard.
Wishing me wed
to one half lunatic,
a madcap ruffian
and swearing Jack,
that thinks with oaths
to face the matter out.
I'll see thee hanged
on Sunday, first.
Thank you very much,
that was very nice.
Taming of the Shrew.
Oh, thank you.
I just love doing comedy.
Oh well, you realize
you'll need some
original comedy material
for the final audition.
Oh!
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, Talent Showcase
gives writers a hearing, too,
and Shakespeare's already a hit.
Of course, if you
do that sort of thing,
you'll be perfect for the show.
Oh, well in that case,
I do that sort of thing.
Yeah. Yeah, I understand. But honey,
listen, I don't know any comedy writers.
Don. Wait a minute, honey.
I'd like your notes
on the Karate article.
Yeah, okay... all right.
Listen, hang around afterwards,
will you, just for a second?
Listen honey...
look... all right...
yeah, I'll ask around...
yeah... I promise.
Okay, so long.
Jerry, didn't you know
a guy who used to
write comedy material,
um... Ernie something?
Ernie Bernie, he's
a cousin of mine.
Well listen, they told Ann she had to
have original material for the talent show,
so you know Ann, she said she
had a writer. Ernie'll do a great
job for her, I'll call him.
Uh, 7-8-4... Is he good?
Good?
Well, he writes
for Red Carter, uh,
Bennie Berman,
Harry Pickles-Buttons.
All the greats, huh?
Don, you're not
gonna get Bob Hope's
writing staff to do
a special routine
for an audition
for a talent show.
7-8-4...
I don't know,
Jerry, I don't know.
Do me a favor. Call Noel Coward.
All right, all right,
don't get so touchy.
I'm only trying to help.
All right, here.
Call him, call him.
I'm only trying to get
the best possible writer...
You've got a cousin
that writes better?
All right, Jerry. Call him.
Go ahead. 7-8-4.
Well?
Let me tell you, Donald,
this was really terrific.
Now, you've got to teach me how
to make the chicken tetrazzini.
That's a secret I learned
from my mother. But the trick is,
to make sure you give it
plenty of time to thaw out.
And they say
bachelors can't cook.
My dear, coffee will be
served in the living room.
Oh, really. How lovely.
But it's still in the kitchen.
I'll get it.
I'll get that.
Feel free to clean up.
Hello.
Funny you should mention that.
Is this Mr. Bernie?
Let me be the judge of that.
Come on up. We're in 312.
Was that Jerry's cousin?
Let me be the judge of that.
What?
Inside joke. Ernie's
on his way up.
Oh, gosh.
I sure hope he's got
something good for me
to do at the audition.
Honey, Ernie's not the only
comedy writer in New York.
Yeah, but he's the
only one we know.
Anybody who can make
a living at it must be good.
We'll soon find out.
Hello, Ernie.
That's fairer.
I'm Don Hollinger.
Name-dropper.
Ernie, Ernie, I'd
like you to meet
Ann Marie.
How do you do, Mr. Bernie?
I'm pleased to meet you,
I've heard very
little about you.
Oh, thank you.
Ann is very grateful that
you want to help her out.
Oh, it's nothing. I can
tell by the applause.
No, I really am very
grateful, Mr. Bernie.
In fact, when they told me
to find some comedy material,
I just didn't know
who to turn to.
I'm really very grateful.
Would you like some coffee?
No, thanks I just had some.
I figured you're not
the low comedy type,
so I brought along some
of my high-satire stuff.
Oh, good.
That's just the
thing I'd like to do.
Can you imitate a monkey?
Well yeah, I suppose so.
But I don't really
think that's the real me.
Too bad, I got this great bit
about a girl monkey at a dance, and none
of the boy monkeys will dance with her,
because she's the only
monkey that can't do the Monkey.
Oh.
It has a fantastic ending.
You don't like it.
Forget it. Can you do a split?
Oh, uh, well, sure.
But somebody has to help me up.
It's no good.
If somebody has to help you up,
it's no good.
Okay. Let's see.
Oh, I've got an idea.
This is the funniest
bit in the world.
I've got a parody, on
"Home on the Range".
Listen to this.
♪♪ Oh give me
a home where the...
Oh, you can't do this
in mixed company.
You like doctor monologues?
Oh, how can she do
a doctor monologue?
Don't you like high satire?
Oh, well, maybe
I'm up for something
a little less satirical.
And a lot funnier.
Don't panic.
I can go on like this all night.
They're all terrific.
Listen to this.
Oh, that's not it.
Listen to this one.
Here's a tune about a daisy
who falls in love
with a bumble bee
and you get to sing both parts.
Listen to this.
That's the bumble bee.
Now he's going
from flower to flower
♪ And this today is
the American way, ♪
♪ so join the school
crossing guards, ♪
♪ you'll get a stop sign, ♪
♪ Join the school
crossing guards. ♪
Yeah!
Well?
It's great.
Terrific.
Look, I'll send you this song,
the Daisy and the Bubble Bee,
The thing about the
kangaroo pickpocket,
and a funny pair
of pants for $50.
If they call you back,
you say like this...
Look folks, I'd like to do more,
but I gotta go.
There's a fire sale downtown
and I need a charcoal suit.
And you can walk like this.
Oh, I'm just not sure.
$40?
Ernie, Ernie, listen Ernie,
we'll let you know
tomorrow, okay?
Okay, if that's your final word.
But if I don't hear from you
by close of business tomorrow,
it goes to the highest bidder.
Good night, Ernie. Bye, Ernie.
That's what I want
you to do. Buy Ernie.
Hi.
Oh Donald, I can't do
any of that kind of thing
at the Talent Showcase.
You wanna know something?
I wrote better stuff for
the "Freshman Review"
at college.
I didn't know you wrote shows?
We'll, it was only
a college show.
No kidding. You never
even mentioned it.
I didn't want to make
a big thing out of it.
I'll bet they were terrific.
It wasn't Broadway,
but it did give America
this great classic.
♪ I'm in love, I'm in
love with Attila the Hun, ♪
♪ Attila the Hun,
Attila the Hun, ♪
♪ though he pillaged a village ♪
♪ and killed everyone, ♪
♪ I still love Attila the Hun. ♪
That's darling, do another one.
Do you know any more?
I thought you'd never ask.
♪ She was the only
girl I ever loved, ♪
♪ the only love
I've ever known. ♪
♪ Oh, why, oh
why, did she stand ♪
♪ in front of ♪
♪ the Guns of Navarone. ♪
Do some more.
No more. I'd rather
remember it kindly.
You know, Donald, I
bet if you'd stuck with it
you could have had a great
career in show business.
As what?
As a writer.
No, you're very
good, and you were
very good in college.
And do you know that
speech you did last year
for the Press dinner?
That was very funny.
It was supposed to be serious.
See, you're a natural.
Donald, do you know
what I'm thinking?
Yeah. Do you know
what I'm thinking?
That, I should stop
thinking what I'm thinking?
Right, I am neither
ready, willing,
nor able to write for you.
But Donald, why?
Well, the able part is obvious.
I am not a comedy writer.
But your songs are adorable.
They're very funny, and
they're very imaginative.
Besides, I've always said,
it's dangerous to write
for the girl you love.
You never said that.
Well, I'm saying it now.
Oh, Donald.
Think of how much
fun it would be.
I mean, who knows my character
as intimately as you do?
I wish you wouldn't
put it that way. Donald...
won't you do it
for me, as a favor?
I knew you'd put it that way.
Will you do it?
Look, honey you
can't expect too much.
I'm not a comedy writer.
Well, you're no Ernie Bernie.
Let me be the judge of that.
What's so funny?
This piece I'm
working on for Ann,
it's turning out great.
"And she put the
cake in the oven,
and the phone rang."
That's supposed to be funny?
I don't need any opinions
from the cousin of Ernie Bernie.
Oh, pretty touchy, huh?
Don, I told you
not to get involved
with something like this.
What are you gonna
do if Ann doesn't like it?
Ann will like it.
Uh huh, mm hm, mm hm.
Well, as I always
say to somebody
when I don't think he
knows what he's doin',
you know what you're doin'.
Are you to where you're putting the
cake in the oven, and the phone rings?
I'm just coming to
that. Okay, go ahead.
And then the
magazine sales man...
Donald. Oh, I'm sorry.
You'll love it. Go ahead.
Donald, will you
please sit down?
I just can't concentrate.
Okay. All right, I don't
wanna distract you now,
go ahead.
Finished?
Uh huh.
Well, you didn't
laugh at the last line.
Oh.
Tell me what you
think, honestly now.
Funny, huh?
Donald, do you really
want my honest opinion?
Of course. Funny, huh?
Maybe I better read it again.
Look, this time, stand
up here and read it aloud.
Come on, right up here.
Okay. Now, set yourself.
I wanna make sure you
feel comfortable with it.
'Cause in comedy,
delivery's half the battle.
Donald, that's just it.
Maybe I'm just not a
natural comedienne.
You don't like it.
I didn't say that.
It's just that... I don't know
if I'll be able do it justice
in such a short time.
Oh no, no, now don't
don't worry about that.
I'm gonna work with
you every spare moment
until you're 100% sure about it.
Oh, you don't have to do that,
you've already done
so much, Donald.
No, no, I want to.
Besides, I'm sure
you must have missed
some of the little nuances.
Yeah, I guess I must have.
Okay, okay now,
shoulders back, head up. Okay?
Pretty picture,
okay, here we go.
Okay, now there you
are up there on the stage
and somebody will
probably come out
and say something like...
Talent Showcase presents:
Ms. Ann Marie. Go, go.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Ann, I don't get this part about
the magazine
salesman and the oven.
Keep reading.
I'm finished.
Judy, tell me the truth,
do you think it's funny?
"Peculiar" is a
better word for it.
Now, what's the big
mystery? Who wrote it?
Donald.
What a rotten shame.
And the terrible thing is,
I begged him to write it for me.
Now after he's
done all that work,
how can I tell him I
don't wanna to use it?
Well, Don wouldn't
want you to audition
with material that
just wasn't funny.
Judy, I've got this one problem.
Every time I rehearse
it for him, he laughs.
Ann, you don't have a problem,
Don has a problem.
What am I gonna to do?
I don't want to
hurt his feelings.
How do you tell the man you love
you don't like his jokes?
Very carefully.
What are you gonna have?
Donald, there's something
I'd like to discuss with you.
Eat first, talk later.
Yes folks, what will it be?
Honey?
Oh well, Donald,
you order first,
I'm still looking.
I'll have a Charlton Heston
on pumpernickel and coffee.
And I'll have the
Julie Andrews on rye.
Right.
And will you please add
some Russian dressing
and a little coleslaw to that?
A Julie Andrews with coleslaw
and Russian on
it is a Zero Mostel.
That would be fine.
I remember Zero Mostel when
he was just a poached egg.
Donald, first of all
I wanna say that
I don't want you
to take anything
that I'm gonna say
to you personally.
What shouldn't I
take personally?
Well, uh... what I mean is...
Well, if I told you that,
I didn't like your neck tie,
that wouldn't hurt
your feelings, would it?
No, but it might hurt yours.
You gave it to me for Christmas.
Pardon me, folks,
I hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.
Oh hello, Ernie.
Hi, Ernie.
Fortunately, I was
passing through on my way
to a restaurant when I saw you.
Have you made up your
mind about the material?
Well, I, uh...
Uh, Ernie. Look, I'm gonna
be be perfectly truthful.
That's isn't necessary.
Well, you see, I'm
not really gonna need
any of your
material, Mr. Bernie.
That's a mistake a lot
of people have made...
Jack Benny, Milton
Berle, Jackie Gleason...
Well you see, I'm not
gonna go to the audition.
Oh, uh huh.
Well in that case,
I'll be moving along.
But if you change your mind,
I'll be having dinner in India.
Ask me why.
Why?
I hear they've got a New Delhi.
You see what you're missing?
He actually thinks it's funny.
Well that was, sorta.
Come on, Ann. Why didn't
you tell him his material wasn't
right for you, instead of that thing
about not going to the audition?
Well, it's not an easy thing...
to tell the man you love
you don't like his jokes.
What'd you say?
A man like him, if you
don't love his jokes,
it's hard to tell him,
when you wanna tell him.
Listen, it's always
kinder to tell the truth,
no matter how painful.
Do you really
believe that, Donald?
Of course.
Creative people have to
live with that kind of pain.
I sincerely hope so.
Huh?
Because I'm not going, Donald.
What do you mean
you're not going?
Don't you see? When
you love a person,
that person doesn't
have to be perfect.
Huh?
Donald, don't you know
what I'm trying to say?
Well, maybe if you
tried saying it in English.
Donald, I want you to know that,
I wouldn't think any less of you
because I don't think that
your comedy material is funny.
Oh.
You believe that, don't you?
Why are you telling me this now,
after all those
hours of rehearsal?
Why didn't you tell
me three days ago?
I didn't wanna
hurt your feelings.
What changed your mind?
Oh, now you're
just being childish.
I'm the one that's not
gonna do the show.
You just did it as a
favor to me. Right?
Right, right. So let's not be
ungrateful. To be objective about it,
I happen to think you have very strong
material, so it's my opinion against yours.
Would you respect
Judy's opinion?
Yeah, yeah let's show it to her,
she's got a good sense of humor.
Well I already did, and
she didn't think it was funny.
What does she know?
The least you can do is let
the producer of the show decide.
You're eating my
Charlton Heston.
Oh, Donald, I'm so sorry.
Thanks for the
Karate information.
What happened?
I tried to break a
board with my hand.
Did it break?
Everything but the board.
You're kidding.
Jerry, do me a favor will
you? All kidding aside,
I've got a lot of respect for your
opinion. Will you take a look at this?
Ann didn't like it, right?
Come on, come on read it.
Will you, please?
Hi, Jerry.
Hi.
Hi, Donald.
Hello Ann.
Well, the author
meets the critic.
Donald?
Go right on, I'm listening.
Donald...
About the audition,
there's no need to discuss
it. I've completely
forgotten about it.
Donald, I was wondering
if you might be free
about five o'clock today.
Well, I... I've got a
lot of work to do today.
Oh. Well, that's too bad.
I was hoping you might be
able to make it to the audition.
You're going ahead
with it? I don't understand.
Well it's a lot of things.
But you were right.
I think we should
leave it to the producer.
You know something?
For a temperamental actress,
you're pretty reasonable.
Is five o'clock okay, then?
Perfect.
One more thing.
Extremely reasonable.
Well? She's gonna do it.
No!
What are you shocked about?
I read it.
Shh... I'm sorry.
There's an audition going on.
I'm looking for a
girl. You can't get in.
Ann Marie, right over there.
Do you mind if I
just go in there?
Thanks, thanks a lot.
Could I sit just for
a minute, please?
Thank you very much. Sorry.
Don, be quiet.
I didn't think you were coming.
I'm going on next.
Ann, let's get out of here.
What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna let you
make a fool out of yourself.
Oh Donald, I want to.
I mean, I won't be.
Ann, Ann you were right.
I took a good, long, hard
objective second look
at that material.
Honey, it isn't funny.
Donald, I took a second look
at that material too,
and you know what?
I laughed.
Honest.
I laughed, a few times.
And worse, I'd let you
stand up there and be
embarrassed because
I was sure I was right.
Ann Marie?
Present.
You see, I'm going on next.
Ann Marie?
Yes, I'm coming.
Now Ann, don't be foolish.
Donald.
What seems to be the trouble?
Well, nothing. I was about
to say goodbye. Goodbye, sir.
Donald, will you please?
Is there something I can do?
No, nothing sir, nothing.
I'm ready, Mr. Hanly
with my original
comedy monologue.
A very bad comedy
monologue, Mr. Hanly,
and it wouldn't be fair to
judge Ann with that material.
Who are you to say
the material is bad?
Uh, the author.
I'd say he'd earned
the right to an opinion.
Thank you sir,
thank you very much.
Actually, I'm not
a comedy writer.
You're better than Ernie Bernie.
Well, thanks a lot.
That's like saying rabies
is better then small pox.
I'm beginning to see your point.
I don't think you
really do, Mr. Hanly.
All of this is
really your fault.
Because you said I needed
original comedy material.
I went to Donald who has this
friend Jerry who has this cousin Ernie,
who has terrible jokes
about monkeys who can't
do the Monkey and
joining the crossing guards.
Terrible songs. Donald
said he could do better than
that, like when he was in
college studying journalism.
Ann, I don't really
think he understands.
No, no, let her finish.
Anyway, I thought
that Attila the Hun
and the Guns of
Navarone were so cute.
I asked Donald to write something
funny, which he didn't wanna do.
He wrote it, it wasn't so funny,
we had this fight, Judy didn't like it.
But Leon did...
the obstetrician.
Now I got all worried and Don got all
upset because I ate his Charlton Heston.
Pardon?
Oh the important
thing is, I'm not a judge.
And when you love a person, and
you don't know how to tell him you don't
like his jokes, you'd
rather not have a career.
We found out how we
feel about each other.
And if you could ever give
me this opportunity again,
I certainly would appreciate it.
And I'd rather never
know if you think
Donald's material is
funnier or Ernie Bernie's
or any Bernie's. Uh, -body's
And I certainly have enjoyed
this experience very much.
And thank you.
Now listen, you
better get on about
your business, so I
can get some work done.
Okay, if that's your final word.
Final word.
Hi.
Oh, Mr. Bauman.
Step right into my office.
What's with you two?
We're celebrating.
What for?
I'm not gonna do the show.
That figures.
Failure's gone to your head.
Well, till we meet again.
At the delicatessen at six.
I'll be waiting.
Order me an Ann Marie
rare with plenty of pepper.
And if you get there first,
order me a Donald Hollinger.
Think you can take all that ham?
What are you two talking about?
The best combination in town.
I should never ask.
Oh, no sense of humor.
I'll say.
♪♪
ready for Broadway... ♪
♪ and Broadway's ready for, ♪
♪ Broadway's ready for, ♪
♪ Broadway's ready for me ♪
Thank you very much.
Would you mind waiting
a few minutes, please?
Those are the kind of kids I like to
follow: young, enthusiastic, and no talent.
Oh, I keep goofing that line.
What's the matter
hon, audition-itis?
Oh, I guess so.
I just keep thinking about that
audience full of producers and directors
that aren't gonna see me
if I don't make this show.
Look, if you're really
good they'll get to see you
whether you make
Talent Showcase or not.
Yeah, you're right.
You know, like
my boyfriend said:
if they don't take
me, it's their loss.
And that is the only
way to look at an audition.
Absolutely!
I only wish I could
look at it that way.
All right, all right,
let's get started.
Who's next?
This girl?
No, that girl.
♪♪
Now I promise you,
you have showed a
tender fatherly regard.
Wishing me wed
to one half lunatic,
a madcap ruffian
and swearing Jack,
that thinks with oaths
to face the matter out.
I'll see thee hanged
on Sunday, first.
Thank you very much,
that was very nice.
Taming of the Shrew.
Oh, thank you.
I just love doing comedy.
Oh well, you realize
you'll need some
original comedy material
for the final audition.
Oh!
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, Talent Showcase
gives writers a hearing, too,
and Shakespeare's already a hit.
Of course, if you
do that sort of thing,
you'll be perfect for the show.
Oh, well in that case,
I do that sort of thing.
Yeah. Yeah, I understand. But honey,
listen, I don't know any comedy writers.
Don. Wait a minute, honey.
I'd like your notes
on the Karate article.
Yeah, okay... all right.
Listen, hang around afterwards,
will you, just for a second?
Listen honey...
look... all right...
yeah, I'll ask around...
yeah... I promise.
Okay, so long.
Jerry, didn't you know
a guy who used to
write comedy material,
um... Ernie something?
Ernie Bernie, he's
a cousin of mine.
Well listen, they told Ann she had to
have original material for the talent show,
so you know Ann, she said she
had a writer. Ernie'll do a great
job for her, I'll call him.
Uh, 7-8-4... Is he good?
Good?
Well, he writes
for Red Carter, uh,
Bennie Berman,
Harry Pickles-Buttons.
All the greats, huh?
Don, you're not
gonna get Bob Hope's
writing staff to do
a special routine
for an audition
for a talent show.
7-8-4...
I don't know,
Jerry, I don't know.
Do me a favor. Call Noel Coward.
All right, all right,
don't get so touchy.
I'm only trying to help.
All right, here.
Call him, call him.
I'm only trying to get
the best possible writer...
You've got a cousin
that writes better?
All right, Jerry. Call him.
Go ahead. 7-8-4.
Well?
Let me tell you, Donald,
this was really terrific.
Now, you've got to teach me how
to make the chicken tetrazzini.
That's a secret I learned
from my mother. But the trick is,
to make sure you give it
plenty of time to thaw out.
And they say
bachelors can't cook.
My dear, coffee will be
served in the living room.
Oh, really. How lovely.
But it's still in the kitchen.
I'll get it.
I'll get that.
Feel free to clean up.
Hello.
Funny you should mention that.
Is this Mr. Bernie?
Let me be the judge of that.
Come on up. We're in 312.
Was that Jerry's cousin?
Let me be the judge of that.
What?
Inside joke. Ernie's
on his way up.
Oh, gosh.
I sure hope he's got
something good for me
to do at the audition.
Honey, Ernie's not the only
comedy writer in New York.
Yeah, but he's the
only one we know.
Anybody who can make
a living at it must be good.
We'll soon find out.
Hello, Ernie.
That's fairer.
I'm Don Hollinger.
Name-dropper.
Ernie, Ernie, I'd
like you to meet
Ann Marie.
How do you do, Mr. Bernie?
I'm pleased to meet you,
I've heard very
little about you.
Oh, thank you.
Ann is very grateful that
you want to help her out.
Oh, it's nothing. I can
tell by the applause.
No, I really am very
grateful, Mr. Bernie.
In fact, when they told me
to find some comedy material,
I just didn't know
who to turn to.
I'm really very grateful.
Would you like some coffee?
No, thanks I just had some.
I figured you're not
the low comedy type,
so I brought along some
of my high-satire stuff.
Oh, good.
That's just the
thing I'd like to do.
Can you imitate a monkey?
Well yeah, I suppose so.
But I don't really
think that's the real me.
Too bad, I got this great bit
about a girl monkey at a dance, and none
of the boy monkeys will dance with her,
because she's the only
monkey that can't do the Monkey.
Oh.
It has a fantastic ending.
You don't like it.
Forget it. Can you do a split?
Oh, uh, well, sure.
But somebody has to help me up.
It's no good.
If somebody has to help you up,
it's no good.
Okay. Let's see.
Oh, I've got an idea.
This is the funniest
bit in the world.
I've got a parody, on
"Home on the Range".
Listen to this.
♪♪ Oh give me
a home where the...
Oh, you can't do this
in mixed company.
You like doctor monologues?
Oh, how can she do
a doctor monologue?
Don't you like high satire?
Oh, well, maybe
I'm up for something
a little less satirical.
And a lot funnier.
Don't panic.
I can go on like this all night.
They're all terrific.
Listen to this.
Oh, that's not it.
Listen to this one.
Here's a tune about a daisy
who falls in love
with a bumble bee
and you get to sing both parts.
Listen to this.
That's the bumble bee.
Now he's going
from flower to flower
♪ And this today is
the American way, ♪
♪ so join the school
crossing guards, ♪
♪ you'll get a stop sign, ♪
♪ Join the school
crossing guards. ♪
Yeah!
Well?
It's great.
Terrific.
Look, I'll send you this song,
the Daisy and the Bubble Bee,
The thing about the
kangaroo pickpocket,
and a funny pair
of pants for $50.
If they call you back,
you say like this...
Look folks, I'd like to do more,
but I gotta go.
There's a fire sale downtown
and I need a charcoal suit.
And you can walk like this.
Oh, I'm just not sure.
$40?
Ernie, Ernie, listen Ernie,
we'll let you know
tomorrow, okay?
Okay, if that's your final word.
But if I don't hear from you
by close of business tomorrow,
it goes to the highest bidder.
Good night, Ernie. Bye, Ernie.
That's what I want
you to do. Buy Ernie.
Hi.
Oh Donald, I can't do
any of that kind of thing
at the Talent Showcase.
You wanna know something?
I wrote better stuff for
the "Freshman Review"
at college.
I didn't know you wrote shows?
We'll, it was only
a college show.
No kidding. You never
even mentioned it.
I didn't want to make
a big thing out of it.
I'll bet they were terrific.
It wasn't Broadway,
but it did give America
this great classic.
♪ I'm in love, I'm in
love with Attila the Hun, ♪
♪ Attila the Hun,
Attila the Hun, ♪
♪ though he pillaged a village ♪
♪ and killed everyone, ♪
♪ I still love Attila the Hun. ♪
That's darling, do another one.
Do you know any more?
I thought you'd never ask.
♪ She was the only
girl I ever loved, ♪
♪ the only love
I've ever known. ♪
♪ Oh, why, oh
why, did she stand ♪
♪ in front of ♪
♪ the Guns of Navarone. ♪
Do some more.
No more. I'd rather
remember it kindly.
You know, Donald, I
bet if you'd stuck with it
you could have had a great
career in show business.
As what?
As a writer.
No, you're very
good, and you were
very good in college.
And do you know that
speech you did last year
for the Press dinner?
That was very funny.
It was supposed to be serious.
See, you're a natural.
Donald, do you know
what I'm thinking?
Yeah. Do you know
what I'm thinking?
That, I should stop
thinking what I'm thinking?
Right, I am neither
ready, willing,
nor able to write for you.
But Donald, why?
Well, the able part is obvious.
I am not a comedy writer.
But your songs are adorable.
They're very funny, and
they're very imaginative.
Besides, I've always said,
it's dangerous to write
for the girl you love.
You never said that.
Well, I'm saying it now.
Oh, Donald.
Think of how much
fun it would be.
I mean, who knows my character
as intimately as you do?
I wish you wouldn't
put it that way. Donald...
won't you do it
for me, as a favor?
I knew you'd put it that way.
Will you do it?
Look, honey you
can't expect too much.
I'm not a comedy writer.
Well, you're no Ernie Bernie.
Let me be the judge of that.
What's so funny?
This piece I'm
working on for Ann,
it's turning out great.
"And she put the
cake in the oven,
and the phone rang."
That's supposed to be funny?
I don't need any opinions
from the cousin of Ernie Bernie.
Oh, pretty touchy, huh?
Don, I told you
not to get involved
with something like this.
What are you gonna
do if Ann doesn't like it?
Ann will like it.
Uh huh, mm hm, mm hm.
Well, as I always
say to somebody
when I don't think he
knows what he's doin',
you know what you're doin'.
Are you to where you're putting the
cake in the oven, and the phone rings?
I'm just coming to
that. Okay, go ahead.
And then the
magazine sales man...
Donald. Oh, I'm sorry.
You'll love it. Go ahead.
Donald, will you
please sit down?
I just can't concentrate.
Okay. All right, I don't
wanna distract you now,
go ahead.
Finished?
Uh huh.
Well, you didn't
laugh at the last line.
Oh.
Tell me what you
think, honestly now.
Funny, huh?
Donald, do you really
want my honest opinion?
Of course. Funny, huh?
Maybe I better read it again.
Look, this time, stand
up here and read it aloud.
Come on, right up here.
Okay. Now, set yourself.
I wanna make sure you
feel comfortable with it.
'Cause in comedy,
delivery's half the battle.
Donald, that's just it.
Maybe I'm just not a
natural comedienne.
You don't like it.
I didn't say that.
It's just that... I don't know
if I'll be able do it justice
in such a short time.
Oh no, no, now don't
don't worry about that.
I'm gonna work with
you every spare moment
until you're 100% sure about it.
Oh, you don't have to do that,
you've already done
so much, Donald.
No, no, I want to.
Besides, I'm sure
you must have missed
some of the little nuances.
Yeah, I guess I must have.
Okay, okay now,
shoulders back, head up. Okay?
Pretty picture,
okay, here we go.
Okay, now there you
are up there on the stage
and somebody will
probably come out
and say something like...
Talent Showcase presents:
Ms. Ann Marie. Go, go.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Ann, I don't get this part about
the magazine
salesman and the oven.
Keep reading.
I'm finished.
Judy, tell me the truth,
do you think it's funny?
"Peculiar" is a
better word for it.
Now, what's the big
mystery? Who wrote it?
Donald.
What a rotten shame.
And the terrible thing is,
I begged him to write it for me.
Now after he's
done all that work,
how can I tell him I
don't wanna to use it?
Well, Don wouldn't
want you to audition
with material that
just wasn't funny.
Judy, I've got this one problem.
Every time I rehearse
it for him, he laughs.
Ann, you don't have a problem,
Don has a problem.
What am I gonna to do?
I don't want to
hurt his feelings.
How do you tell the man you love
you don't like his jokes?
Very carefully.
What are you gonna have?
Donald, there's something
I'd like to discuss with you.
Eat first, talk later.
Yes folks, what will it be?
Honey?
Oh well, Donald,
you order first,
I'm still looking.
I'll have a Charlton Heston
on pumpernickel and coffee.
And I'll have the
Julie Andrews on rye.
Right.
And will you please add
some Russian dressing
and a little coleslaw to that?
A Julie Andrews with coleslaw
and Russian on
it is a Zero Mostel.
That would be fine.
I remember Zero Mostel when
he was just a poached egg.
Donald, first of all
I wanna say that
I don't want you
to take anything
that I'm gonna say
to you personally.
What shouldn't I
take personally?
Well, uh... what I mean is...
Well, if I told you that,
I didn't like your neck tie,
that wouldn't hurt
your feelings, would it?
No, but it might hurt yours.
You gave it to me for Christmas.
Pardon me, folks,
I hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.
Oh hello, Ernie.
Hi, Ernie.
Fortunately, I was
passing through on my way
to a restaurant when I saw you.
Have you made up your
mind about the material?
Well, I, uh...
Uh, Ernie. Look, I'm gonna
be be perfectly truthful.
That's isn't necessary.
Well, you see, I'm
not really gonna need
any of your
material, Mr. Bernie.
That's a mistake a lot
of people have made...
Jack Benny, Milton
Berle, Jackie Gleason...
Well you see, I'm not
gonna go to the audition.
Oh, uh huh.
Well in that case,
I'll be moving along.
But if you change your mind,
I'll be having dinner in India.
Ask me why.
Why?
I hear they've got a New Delhi.
You see what you're missing?
He actually thinks it's funny.
Well that was, sorta.
Come on, Ann. Why didn't
you tell him his material wasn't
right for you, instead of that thing
about not going to the audition?
Well, it's not an easy thing...
to tell the man you love
you don't like his jokes.
What'd you say?
A man like him, if you
don't love his jokes,
it's hard to tell him,
when you wanna tell him.
Listen, it's always
kinder to tell the truth,
no matter how painful.
Do you really
believe that, Donald?
Of course.
Creative people have to
live with that kind of pain.
I sincerely hope so.
Huh?
Because I'm not going, Donald.
What do you mean
you're not going?
Don't you see? When
you love a person,
that person doesn't
have to be perfect.
Huh?
Donald, don't you know
what I'm trying to say?
Well, maybe if you
tried saying it in English.
Donald, I want you to know that,
I wouldn't think any less of you
because I don't think that
your comedy material is funny.
Oh.
You believe that, don't you?
Why are you telling me this now,
after all those
hours of rehearsal?
Why didn't you tell
me three days ago?
I didn't wanna
hurt your feelings.
What changed your mind?
Oh, now you're
just being childish.
I'm the one that's not
gonna do the show.
You just did it as a
favor to me. Right?
Right, right. So let's not be
ungrateful. To be objective about it,
I happen to think you have very strong
material, so it's my opinion against yours.
Would you respect
Judy's opinion?
Yeah, yeah let's show it to her,
she's got a good sense of humor.
Well I already did, and
she didn't think it was funny.
What does she know?
The least you can do is let
the producer of the show decide.
You're eating my
Charlton Heston.
Oh, Donald, I'm so sorry.
Thanks for the
Karate information.
What happened?
I tried to break a
board with my hand.
Did it break?
Everything but the board.
You're kidding.
Jerry, do me a favor will
you? All kidding aside,
I've got a lot of respect for your
opinion. Will you take a look at this?
Ann didn't like it, right?
Come on, come on read it.
Will you, please?
Hi, Jerry.
Hi.
Hi, Donald.
Hello Ann.
Well, the author
meets the critic.
Donald?
Go right on, I'm listening.
Donald...
About the audition,
there's no need to discuss
it. I've completely
forgotten about it.
Donald, I was wondering
if you might be free
about five o'clock today.
Well, I... I've got a
lot of work to do today.
Oh. Well, that's too bad.
I was hoping you might be
able to make it to the audition.
You're going ahead
with it? I don't understand.
Well it's a lot of things.
But you were right.
I think we should
leave it to the producer.
You know something?
For a temperamental actress,
you're pretty reasonable.
Is five o'clock okay, then?
Perfect.
One more thing.
Extremely reasonable.
Well? She's gonna do it.
No!
What are you shocked about?
I read it.
Shh... I'm sorry.
There's an audition going on.
I'm looking for a
girl. You can't get in.
Ann Marie, right over there.
Do you mind if I
just go in there?
Thanks, thanks a lot.
Could I sit just for
a minute, please?
Thank you very much. Sorry.
Don, be quiet.
I didn't think you were coming.
I'm going on next.
Ann, let's get out of here.
What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna let you
make a fool out of yourself.
Oh Donald, I want to.
I mean, I won't be.
Ann, Ann you were right.
I took a good, long, hard
objective second look
at that material.
Honey, it isn't funny.
Donald, I took a second look
at that material too,
and you know what?
I laughed.
Honest.
I laughed, a few times.
And worse, I'd let you
stand up there and be
embarrassed because
I was sure I was right.
Ann Marie?
Present.
You see, I'm going on next.
Ann Marie?
Yes, I'm coming.
Now Ann, don't be foolish.
Donald.
What seems to be the trouble?
Well, nothing. I was about
to say goodbye. Goodbye, sir.
Donald, will you please?
Is there something I can do?
No, nothing sir, nothing.
I'm ready, Mr. Hanly
with my original
comedy monologue.
A very bad comedy
monologue, Mr. Hanly,
and it wouldn't be fair to
judge Ann with that material.
Who are you to say
the material is bad?
Uh, the author.
I'd say he'd earned
the right to an opinion.
Thank you sir,
thank you very much.
Actually, I'm not
a comedy writer.
You're better than Ernie Bernie.
Well, thanks a lot.
That's like saying rabies
is better then small pox.
I'm beginning to see your point.
I don't think you
really do, Mr. Hanly.
All of this is
really your fault.
Because you said I needed
original comedy material.
I went to Donald who has this
friend Jerry who has this cousin Ernie,
who has terrible jokes
about monkeys who can't
do the Monkey and
joining the crossing guards.
Terrible songs. Donald
said he could do better than
that, like when he was in
college studying journalism.
Ann, I don't really
think he understands.
No, no, let her finish.
Anyway, I thought
that Attila the Hun
and the Guns of
Navarone were so cute.
I asked Donald to write something
funny, which he didn't wanna do.
He wrote it, it wasn't so funny,
we had this fight, Judy didn't like it.
But Leon did...
the obstetrician.
Now I got all worried and Don got all
upset because I ate his Charlton Heston.
Pardon?
Oh the important
thing is, I'm not a judge.
And when you love a person, and
you don't know how to tell him you don't
like his jokes, you'd
rather not have a career.
We found out how we
feel about each other.
And if you could ever give
me this opportunity again,
I certainly would appreciate it.
And I'd rather never
know if you think
Donald's material is
funnier or Ernie Bernie's
or any Bernie's. Uh, -body's
And I certainly have enjoyed
this experience very much.
And thank you.
Now listen, you
better get on about
your business, so I
can get some work done.
Okay, if that's your final word.
Final word.
Hi.
Oh, Mr. Bauman.
Step right into my office.
What's with you two?
We're celebrating.
What for?
I'm not gonna do the show.
That figures.
Failure's gone to your head.
Well, till we meet again.
At the delicatessen at six.
I'll be waiting.
Order me an Ann Marie
rare with plenty of pepper.
And if you get there first,
order me a Donald Hollinger.
Think you can take all that ham?
What are you two talking about?
The best combination in town.
I should never ask.
Oh, no sense of humor.
I'll say.
♪♪