That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 28 - This Little Piggy Had a Ball - full transcript
Sharon Hackett, an actress in a play in which Ann has a small part, has been nominated for a Broadway Drama Guild Award as Most Promising Young Actress. Since she can't attend, Sharon picks Ann at random from among her play colleagues to attend the nationally televised awards show to accept the award on her behalf if she wins. Ann is excited for the opportunity and wants to do Sharon proud by making the perfect acceptance speech, which Don says he'll write for her. What Don can't do however is get the bowling ball off of Ann's big toe, she who put it there after reading an article about a man who bowls with his toes. Ann has two concurrent tasks in the lead up to the awards show, number one to get the ball off her toe - which doesn't seem to be happening with any ease, even after visiting every emergency service personnel she can think of - and number two to find another of her play colleagues to attend the awards show instead, at which she equally has little success. With the former, the most useful advice provided is from an emergency room doctor, who tells her that taking a muscle relaxant will relax her big toe at which time the ball should fall off. Taking an excessive number of pills has its own negative consequences, but Ann is most concerned about her own internal thoughts of not wanting Sharon to win solely because of the predicament that was her own fault.
Hello. Oh, Miss. Miss.
Hi. Hi, we're here
seeing the show tonight.
Are you in it? Yes, I am.
What part do you play?
Well, uh, in the second act
there's this big party scene.
And right in the middle of
the party, this maid comes in
carrying a big tray of
drinks and everything
and she trips and spills
it all over this poor lady.
Oh, you're the maid, huh?
No, I'm the poor lady.
Surprise. Surprise.
It's only me. It's only me.
Listen, I couldn't remember
if it was 4 coffees black
and 2 with cream, or 2
coffees black and 4 with cream.
What did you get?
Six teas with lemon.
Ann, you were
supposed to get a cake.
They were half priced,
and never you mind,
I thought of everything.
La la la la la la la la la.
Nobody will ever
know the difference.
I say there, voila, le cake.
That's very clever.
I thought so... Sharon... Oh.
What are you doing here?
Oh, well this is
my dressing room.
Oh. Yeah, but this is supposed
to be your surprise party.
Oh. Well 1, 2, 3... Surprise!
Yeah.
How did you know?
Of course we know.
It's right on your mirror.
Here it is.
Miss Sharon Hackett,
congratulations
you have been nominated
for the most promising
young actress award by
Broadway Drama Guild.
Oh, that. Oh, that? What do
you mean "oh, that"? It's terrific.
I have a real surprise.
What?
After the show tonight,
they're flying me to Hollywood.
They're screen testing me
for the lead in a new movie.
Oh, that's terrific.
Gee, if I had known that, I
would've gotten a real cake.
Sharon, if you go
to Hollywood tonight,
what about the award
banquet tomorrow night?
Oh, that's my one problem.
I'll have to miss the banquet.
Oh no. It's gonna be on
television and everything.
Hey, listen.
If by any chance I should
win the award tonight,
I'd like one of you
kids to pick it up.
Oh, oh.
Everybody line up now. We're
gonna play this fair and square.
Me, me, me. Stay out of the way.
Okay, here we go.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.
My mother told me
that I should choose that girl.
Huh... ♪♪
Here it is. Here
it is. This is it.
And in closing, I know that
Sharon wouldn't want me
to forget all those little people, who
have been part of our show's success.
Again, from the bottom
of Sharon's heart,
I thank you.
Applause, applause, applause.
Well? Well, chop
off about another
five minutes and
you'll be in good shape.
Now can we go bowling?
You're kidding?
What can I possibly take out?
Well, to start with, the
part about the usherettes.
But she said to thank
everybody, Donald.
Yeah. Well, maybe what she
meant is for you to stand up there
and say, "Thanks, everybody."
Thanks, everybody?
How long could
that possibly take?
Well, how long is it
supposed to take?
Well, I don't know,
but I don't want
to take the chance
of offending anybody.
And besides, 30
seconds isn't very long.
And who knows when I
may be on television again.
Now, can we go bowling?
And what about the speech?
Oh, honey, now don't worry.
I'll write you something
at the bowling alley.
How can you write
anything in the bowling alley?
You can't concentrate.
Ann, the speech
isn't that important.
Well, thanks a lot.
Perfect.
That's it, perfect.
Oh, my gosh! Huh?
That's it, three in a
row, a clean sweep.
If I hadn't been so nervous about
the speech, you wouldn't have won.
You always say that.
What? The first
and the last part.
"If" and "you
wouldn't have won."
I do not.
And anyway, I was afraid to win.
You'd have written
me a bad speech.
Uh-huh. Okay, I'll
write the speech first,
then we bowl another game.
Another game?
We don't have time.
The banquet's in four
hours, I got lots to do.
Okay, all right, let's go then.
Okay. What about my speech?
By the time you
change your shoes,
I'll have it written. Sit down.
Listen, I don't think you ought
to mention any names at all.
Oh, I-I have to name, I
have to name somebody.
Okay, but just one.
Who's the person most
responsible for Sharon's success?
Well, there's her
mother and father.
I said responsible
for Sharon's success,
not responsible for Sharon.
Hmm. Well, it's hard to
just pick out one person.
Okay. I accept this award in
behalf of Sharon Hackett, who is...
Frank Sladack?
Frank Slada... Frank
Sladack? What did he do?
He bowls with his toe.
How did that help Sharon?
It didn't help Sharon. It's
here in this bowling magazine.
Frank Sladack
bowls in competition
with his toe,
averaging 118 a game.
It's right here in
this magazine.
Can you believe that?
I couldn't even get
a 118 with my arm.
That's impossible.
Nobody can bowl
118 with their toe.
Hmm. Van Gogh
painted with one ear.
Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I do, and it
kind of scares me.
Now let me finish the speech.
Why not?
I mean, a person can do anything
if they really try hard enough.
Donald? Huh?
I think figured out what's
so tough about toe bowling.
Oh yeah? What's that?
Letting go of the ball.
What are you doing?
Well, I, uh... It
won't come off.
Won't come off?
Well, no.
How in the world did
it ever get on there?
Well, I was just sitting here
minding my own business
when all of a sudden this
big bowling ball jumped off
the rack and bit my toe.
How do you think
it got on there?
Well, all right, wait a minute
now. Here, all right, pull.
Huh...
I'm sorry. You pu... you
pull. All right, here we go.
Okay, all right. Come
on now, here we go.
I think the ball is coming off.
I think my toe is coming off.
All right, I'm sorry.
Okay. Okay, all right.
Look, maybe if I twist it...
Are you kidding?
Well, honey, look, if you're
gonna leave it on there,
we better have it polished.
Polished? Yeah, because
of the banquet tonight.
Remember, it's formal.
Banquet? Oh, Donald,
you've got to get this thing off.
Come on, pull, twist,
anything. Come on.
Yeah, but I don't
wanna hurt you, honey.
You won't hurt me.
I'll bite on this pencil.
What? Well, we
don't have a bullet.
You had to use a new ball, huh?
Well, you see, I was
just reading this article
in this bowling magazine...
May I see that,
please? Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Why did you do that?
Why? Because you're the
fourth person to come clumping up
here in the last three days with a bowling
ball on your toe because of that nut.
Well, what happened
to the other three?
Did they get the
ball off their foot?
They're all once more
useful members of society.
I know my business.
The ball will come off.
Well, look, I'm telling you,
I pulled and it's really stuck.
I'll bet you're the kind
of guy that runs up
to the scene of an
accident and tells the victim
to do deep knee bends.
Will you sit over there, please,
while I get the axle grease.
All right, we'll
have it off in a jiffy.
Careful...
Relax, lady. I'm
experienced at this.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, you see,
this is our first time.
Watch me. Maybe
you'll learn something.
First you take a stick.
You put on a little axle grease,
and you wipe it all
around the toe, see.
It tickles.
16 million big toes
in a naked city,
and I got to get a funny one.
All right, now try and
ease your toe out,
very slowly.
Very slowly, okay.
It won't come out.
Just a second, lady.
You just take it easy
there, and I'll just...
Wait, wait, wait.
Move like that, okay.
Okay, now, you
push and I'll pull.
You gotta be
careful. Wait, wait.
You're not supposed
to pull, you said.
It's my bowling ball.
If I wanna pull, I'll pull.
Now come on...
No, don't, don't pull
anymore. Okay...
Not gonna come off.
See, I told you, Donald,
it's not gonna come off.
What am I going to do? I've got
to be at this banquet in four hours.
What am I going to do?
The first thing
you're gonna do, lady,
is rent yourself a bowling
ball with an option to buy.
All right, lady,
there's your receipt.
You bring the ball back in good
condition and you get your money.
But where am I gonna go?
I don't know, lady. Just
don't hang around here.
It's bad for business.
Oh, Donald, the banquet tonight.
It's on coast-to-coast TV.
What am I gonna do?
Well, I think you ought
to wear a very long gown.
Oh, I know. The fire department.
What?
Yes, yes, the fire department.
When I was 5 years old,
we called the fire department
when I got my elbow
stuck in a peanut butter jar.
What was your elbow doing
in a jar of peanut butter?
My mother told me to stop putting
my fingers in the peanut butter,
so I put my elbow in
the peanut butter jar...
I get the picture.
I don't know, a jar of
peanut butter is one thing,
but a bowling ball on you toe?
Donald, are you kidding?
The fire department
can handle anything.
Oh yeah? What about Chicago?
Well, the rescue squad
is out on a call right now.
Uh, well, pardon
me. Who are you?
Oh, I'm the U.D. man,
underwater diving.
Whenever anything goes wrong out
there in the East River, I'm their boy.
You mean you can't
do anything else?
Oh, sure. I can get a
cat down out of a tree,
something like that.
Oh, Donald, it's no use.
We're never gonna get this
ball off in time for the banquet.
I better call one
of the other girls
and see if she
can go in my place.
Could I please use your phone?
Oh, sure, help yourself.
Thank you.
Can you make it, honey?
Yeah. All right.
How does it feel?
Terrific.
Never had much experience
with bowling balls before.
Let me think about it a minute.
A bowling ball. Let's see.
It's probably made
out of plastic or rubber,
something like that, huh?
Well, yeah. Well, I think so.
Nobody answers.
Hey, I got it. We got an
acetylene torch out back,
I'll bet we can
melt that ball down.
But you could burn my toe.
Burns I can handle.
Think of something else.
I got it. I got it. I got it.
We'll drill a hole through
from the other side,
hook up a hose to it, and the
water pressure will force your toe out.
Oh yeah, that sounds
like a good idea.
Oh, wait a minute.
How would you know
when to stop drilling?
Don't be silly. When you scream.
Uh, we could try breaking it.
Wait, don't tell me.
You mean with a fire axe?
That would make it easier.
Forget it.
Thank you very much.
Gee, I, uh, wish you could
see me work underwater.
Yes.
I don't think we
should have come here.
I mean, after all, it's
really not an emergency.
Donald, its 2 hours
and 20 minutes before
the banquet and everybody
I've called has been out.
That's an emergency.
But it isn't really a
medical problem.
You trying to tell me
it's all in my head?
Nurse!
Uh, yes? Uh, uh...
Uh, yeah, uh, may I help, uh...
Isn't that a bowling
ball on your toe?
Yes, it is.
Oh. Well, now, what seems to
be the nature of your problem?
There's a bowling
ball on her toe.
Yeah, it's on my
toe. It's stuck there.
On my toe.
Well, I'll be...
You ought to see
Dr. Wisnicky for that.
He's very good
at things like that.
Right up his alley.
Oh...
And so then, I didn't
know where else to go.
Hmm.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Just a minute.
Tom? This is Charlie.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Come on, the bowling ball.
The story was great.
She really had me going there
for a minute until she got to the, uh,
axle grease.
Huh?
This, this isn't one
of your little jokes?
Tom, I'll get back to you.
I think what we have here is
simply a case of an excited toe.
Well, it's never been
in a bowling ball before.
Funny, but it is an excited toe.
What does that mean?
Well, it means that your
toe isn't going to come out
of the ball until it relaxes.
Uh-huh.
These are muscle relaxant pills.
They should take
care of your problem.
Take one every half hour.
Well, how long does it take?
Well, I don't know.
An hour-and-a-half,
four hours? It'll come off.
Listen, I've got to
go to a banquet,
a coast-to-coast
banquet in two hours.
Miss, the ball is not going to come
off of your foot unless you calm down.
How can I calm down when I
can't even get my big toe to relax?
Oh, oh, well, all right.
Would you just
tell her I called?
Thank you.
Karen's not home, either.
Oh, Donald, it just isn't fair.
Why did I have to be
born with high-strung toes?
Well, you could always
go to the banquet
with a bowling
ball on your foot.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Well, here goes the last one.
All right, what's so funny?
No answer.
No answer?
Oh, Donald, I mean, what's so
terrible about going to a banquet
with a bowling ball on your toe?
But I thought you
said you wouldn't?
I don't know. I mean there are
lots of people running around
New York with bowling balls
on their toes. Let's face it.
But not running.
And anyway, it's
a brand new ball,
nothing to be ashamed of.
Honey, are you all right?
Oh, I'm fine. Just
terrific, thanks.
I better go get ready.
I got to get dressed.
Uh, w-wait a minute, Ann.
What about your slacks?
I can't wear these.
It's a formal affair.
I know, I know. But
how are you gonna
get them off over
the bowling ball?
Simple. I'll simply take
them over my head.
What?
Oh, never mind.
Better yet, I'll take them
off over the other leg.
Honey, look, you just sit there,
I'm gonna go get
Dr. Bessemer, all right?
Donald, I don't need
Leon. I need Judy.
Do it.
Pa-pa-dum.
Yeah, honey, you need
all the help you can get.
But what if I'm wearing
pants underneath.
Who's gonna notice?
Everybody's gonna be
looking at the bowling ball.
Come on, help me with my hair.
Um, she's, uh, probably just
excited about the banquet.
Pa-dum. Pa-dum.
When people get that excited,
they usually have their
driver's license taken away.
Ann, hand me the brush.
Okay.
Ann, that's not me.
That's my reflection.
Oh, of course.
It's just that it looks
so much like you.
Ann, what did you do with
the pills the doctor gave you?
Here they are.
Well, this is almost empty.
What did you do with them all?
I took them.
But, honey, you're only supposed
to take one of these every half hour.
I know, but if one
every half hour can
make you relax, just think what
three every half
hour could do for you.
Now, we know what
they can do for you.
Now, what do we do?
Oh, she doesn't take any more.
She might sober up
in time for the banquet.
Oh, Donald, will you relax?
I'm not nervous.
Have a pill
Honey, in your condition,
you could slip and hurt yourself.
And Don's right.
Hey, listen, wait a minute.
If we cut the ball in half, it
would be flat on the bottom.
She couldn't possibly slip.
He's very good at
preventive medicine.
But, honey, you got
a 25-dollar deposit.
Listen, don't worry.
If we cut the ball in half, I
can sell each half for $12.50
I think you better operate.
I hope nobody notices us.
What does it matter?
We've got a good story,
you had a skiing accident.
What'll I say? I ran
into half a snowball?
Honey, nobody's gonna look
under the gauze to find out.
I sure hope not.
What's the matter?
It's that doorman again.
Well, what are you hiding for?
They already have
your name and address.
Do you think they'll make
me pay for the glass?
I don't know.
Honey, I told you not to go
through that revolving door.
Well if the man in front of
me hadn't stopped so short...
Now, don't blame it on him.
Your reflexes aren't
exactly what they should be.
Donald, the pills have
completely worn off.
I'm feeling just marvelous now.
Well, I hope so.
Here comes Carl and Estelle.
Hiya, gang, what are you doing
hiding over here in the corner?
Why don't you come over to
our table and join the party?
Well, we, we just thought...
I understand. It's all right.
You don't wanna join
our party, we'll join yours.
We'll bring a
couple of chairs...
Carl, maybe they'd
like to be alone?
They can pretend we're not here.
Hey, isn't the band great, Ann?
Come on, let's
dance. Ah, Carl, Carl...
You're not married to her yet.
Carl, it's, it's her foot.
Foot?
Hey, Stella, will you
get a load of this?
Gee, Ann, what happened?
Well, uh, it was this,
uh, skiing accident.
Oh, run into half a snowball?
Well, it is, um, an
unusual cast, Ann.
Yes, yes it is.
Uh, they made it like that
because it's easier to walk.
Yeah, and, there's, well,
there's more room for autographs.
Well, for your sake, Ann, I
hope Sharon doesn't win.
That's a terrible thing to say.
What's so terrible? I
was just thinking of Ann
clumping up on stage in
front of all of those people.
Oh, I don't clump.
A step-slide, step-slide.
Well, uh, Carl, I think we better
go back to our own table now.
Yeah. Well, Ann, whatever
happens, good luck.
Ciao, Don.
Now, there's the kind of guy who can
get a bowling ball stuck in his mouth.
What an awful thought.
If Sharon doesn't win, then I won't
have to go up in front of all these people.
Okay now, honey,
don't let it upset you.
It isn't Carl.
I was thinking what he
said before he ever said it.
What?
Some friend I am.
Sharon gives me a nice opportunity
like this, and I'm hoping she loses.
Some friend.
Honey, if you were really thinking
that, you'd never admit it to yourself.
Yeah, you're right.
But what if I'm only
admitting it to myself,
so I won't think I
really thought it?
What do you think?
I think you've been
taking those pills again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the annual
Broadway Drama
Guild awards banquet.
Let's cross our
fingers for Sharon.
I only wish I could
cross my toes, too.
It will be a nice day
when I can do that again.
And now, the award for the most
promising young actress of the year.
The nominees are Kathy Copeland,
Sharon Hackett,
and Susie Harris.
The envelope, please.
The winner is Sharon Hackett.
Oh, she won. She won.
Okay, get up, Ann.
Accepting for Miss Hackett is...
Did you ever see
such a nice clumper?
Hey, way to go, Ann!
Ann Marie.
I'd like to see
Frank Slater try this.
My big toe just relaxed.
Isn't it wonderful?
I know that Sharon
would want me to thank
everybody responsible
for her success
and for this award, and
that she would want me
to mention each and
every one of you by name.
But, of course, here
and now, that would be
impossible. So, let
me just say thank you.
Thank you so much from
the bottom of Sharon's heart.
Oh, Miss Marie...
Oh, that girl...
Hey, what was that for?
That's for standing by
me in my hour of need.
Well, I couldn't
turn my back on you.
Well, you're very sweet.
Yeah, and who wants to get kicked
in the pants with a bowling ball?
Very funny.
Ow! What's the matter?
We're stuck.
All right, uh, take it easy.
It's just my rhinestone
button is stuck to your jacket.
But it's not my jacket. It
belongs to Ajax Tuxedo Rental.
Now, easy, take it easy.
Relax. You have a nervous lapel.
Yeah, just like my
foot, remember?
Now, if you just relax,
it will come unstuck.
How can we relax?
Oh, Donald.
Oh, yeah.
♪♪
Hi. Hi, we're here
seeing the show tonight.
Are you in it? Yes, I am.
What part do you play?
Well, uh, in the second act
there's this big party scene.
And right in the middle of
the party, this maid comes in
carrying a big tray of
drinks and everything
and she trips and spills
it all over this poor lady.
Oh, you're the maid, huh?
No, I'm the poor lady.
Surprise. Surprise.
It's only me. It's only me.
Listen, I couldn't remember
if it was 4 coffees black
and 2 with cream, or 2
coffees black and 4 with cream.
What did you get?
Six teas with lemon.
Ann, you were
supposed to get a cake.
They were half priced,
and never you mind,
I thought of everything.
La la la la la la la la la.
Nobody will ever
know the difference.
I say there, voila, le cake.
That's very clever.
I thought so... Sharon... Oh.
What are you doing here?
Oh, well this is
my dressing room.
Oh. Yeah, but this is supposed
to be your surprise party.
Oh. Well 1, 2, 3... Surprise!
Yeah.
How did you know?
Of course we know.
It's right on your mirror.
Here it is.
Miss Sharon Hackett,
congratulations
you have been nominated
for the most promising
young actress award by
Broadway Drama Guild.
Oh, that. Oh, that? What do
you mean "oh, that"? It's terrific.
I have a real surprise.
What?
After the show tonight,
they're flying me to Hollywood.
They're screen testing me
for the lead in a new movie.
Oh, that's terrific.
Gee, if I had known that, I
would've gotten a real cake.
Sharon, if you go
to Hollywood tonight,
what about the award
banquet tomorrow night?
Oh, that's my one problem.
I'll have to miss the banquet.
Oh no. It's gonna be on
television and everything.
Hey, listen.
If by any chance I should
win the award tonight,
I'd like one of you
kids to pick it up.
Oh, oh.
Everybody line up now. We're
gonna play this fair and square.
Me, me, me. Stay out of the way.
Okay, here we go.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.
My mother told me
that I should choose that girl.
Huh... ♪♪
Here it is. Here
it is. This is it.
And in closing, I know that
Sharon wouldn't want me
to forget all those little people, who
have been part of our show's success.
Again, from the bottom
of Sharon's heart,
I thank you.
Applause, applause, applause.
Well? Well, chop
off about another
five minutes and
you'll be in good shape.
Now can we go bowling?
You're kidding?
What can I possibly take out?
Well, to start with, the
part about the usherettes.
But she said to thank
everybody, Donald.
Yeah. Well, maybe what she
meant is for you to stand up there
and say, "Thanks, everybody."
Thanks, everybody?
How long could
that possibly take?
Well, how long is it
supposed to take?
Well, I don't know,
but I don't want
to take the chance
of offending anybody.
And besides, 30
seconds isn't very long.
And who knows when I
may be on television again.
Now, can we go bowling?
And what about the speech?
Oh, honey, now don't worry.
I'll write you something
at the bowling alley.
How can you write
anything in the bowling alley?
You can't concentrate.
Ann, the speech
isn't that important.
Well, thanks a lot.
Perfect.
That's it, perfect.
Oh, my gosh! Huh?
That's it, three in a
row, a clean sweep.
If I hadn't been so nervous about
the speech, you wouldn't have won.
You always say that.
What? The first
and the last part.
"If" and "you
wouldn't have won."
I do not.
And anyway, I was afraid to win.
You'd have written
me a bad speech.
Uh-huh. Okay, I'll
write the speech first,
then we bowl another game.
Another game?
We don't have time.
The banquet's in four
hours, I got lots to do.
Okay, all right, let's go then.
Okay. What about my speech?
By the time you
change your shoes,
I'll have it written. Sit down.
Listen, I don't think you ought
to mention any names at all.
Oh, I-I have to name, I
have to name somebody.
Okay, but just one.
Who's the person most
responsible for Sharon's success?
Well, there's her
mother and father.
I said responsible
for Sharon's success,
not responsible for Sharon.
Hmm. Well, it's hard to
just pick out one person.
Okay. I accept this award in
behalf of Sharon Hackett, who is...
Frank Sladack?
Frank Slada... Frank
Sladack? What did he do?
He bowls with his toe.
How did that help Sharon?
It didn't help Sharon. It's
here in this bowling magazine.
Frank Sladack
bowls in competition
with his toe,
averaging 118 a game.
It's right here in
this magazine.
Can you believe that?
I couldn't even get
a 118 with my arm.
That's impossible.
Nobody can bowl
118 with their toe.
Hmm. Van Gogh
painted with one ear.
Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I do, and it
kind of scares me.
Now let me finish the speech.
Why not?
I mean, a person can do anything
if they really try hard enough.
Donald? Huh?
I think figured out what's
so tough about toe bowling.
Oh yeah? What's that?
Letting go of the ball.
What are you doing?
Well, I, uh... It
won't come off.
Won't come off?
Well, no.
How in the world did
it ever get on there?
Well, I was just sitting here
minding my own business
when all of a sudden this
big bowling ball jumped off
the rack and bit my toe.
How do you think
it got on there?
Well, all right, wait a minute
now. Here, all right, pull.
Huh...
I'm sorry. You pu... you
pull. All right, here we go.
Okay, all right. Come
on now, here we go.
I think the ball is coming off.
I think my toe is coming off.
All right, I'm sorry.
Okay. Okay, all right.
Look, maybe if I twist it...
Are you kidding?
Well, honey, look, if you're
gonna leave it on there,
we better have it polished.
Polished? Yeah, because
of the banquet tonight.
Remember, it's formal.
Banquet? Oh, Donald,
you've got to get this thing off.
Come on, pull, twist,
anything. Come on.
Yeah, but I don't
wanna hurt you, honey.
You won't hurt me.
I'll bite on this pencil.
What? Well, we
don't have a bullet.
You had to use a new ball, huh?
Well, you see, I was
just reading this article
in this bowling magazine...
May I see that,
please? Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Why did you do that?
Why? Because you're the
fourth person to come clumping up
here in the last three days with a bowling
ball on your toe because of that nut.
Well, what happened
to the other three?
Did they get the
ball off their foot?
They're all once more
useful members of society.
I know my business.
The ball will come off.
Well, look, I'm telling you,
I pulled and it's really stuck.
I'll bet you're the kind
of guy that runs up
to the scene of an
accident and tells the victim
to do deep knee bends.
Will you sit over there, please,
while I get the axle grease.
All right, we'll
have it off in a jiffy.
Careful...
Relax, lady. I'm
experienced at this.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, you see,
this is our first time.
Watch me. Maybe
you'll learn something.
First you take a stick.
You put on a little axle grease,
and you wipe it all
around the toe, see.
It tickles.
16 million big toes
in a naked city,
and I got to get a funny one.
All right, now try and
ease your toe out,
very slowly.
Very slowly, okay.
It won't come out.
Just a second, lady.
You just take it easy
there, and I'll just...
Wait, wait, wait.
Move like that, okay.
Okay, now, you
push and I'll pull.
You gotta be
careful. Wait, wait.
You're not supposed
to pull, you said.
It's my bowling ball.
If I wanna pull, I'll pull.
Now come on...
No, don't, don't pull
anymore. Okay...
Not gonna come off.
See, I told you, Donald,
it's not gonna come off.
What am I going to do? I've got
to be at this banquet in four hours.
What am I going to do?
The first thing
you're gonna do, lady,
is rent yourself a bowling
ball with an option to buy.
All right, lady,
there's your receipt.
You bring the ball back in good
condition and you get your money.
But where am I gonna go?
I don't know, lady. Just
don't hang around here.
It's bad for business.
Oh, Donald, the banquet tonight.
It's on coast-to-coast TV.
What am I gonna do?
Well, I think you ought
to wear a very long gown.
Oh, I know. The fire department.
What?
Yes, yes, the fire department.
When I was 5 years old,
we called the fire department
when I got my elbow
stuck in a peanut butter jar.
What was your elbow doing
in a jar of peanut butter?
My mother told me to stop putting
my fingers in the peanut butter,
so I put my elbow in
the peanut butter jar...
I get the picture.
I don't know, a jar of
peanut butter is one thing,
but a bowling ball on you toe?
Donald, are you kidding?
The fire department
can handle anything.
Oh yeah? What about Chicago?
Well, the rescue squad
is out on a call right now.
Uh, well, pardon
me. Who are you?
Oh, I'm the U.D. man,
underwater diving.
Whenever anything goes wrong out
there in the East River, I'm their boy.
You mean you can't
do anything else?
Oh, sure. I can get a
cat down out of a tree,
something like that.
Oh, Donald, it's no use.
We're never gonna get this
ball off in time for the banquet.
I better call one
of the other girls
and see if she
can go in my place.
Could I please use your phone?
Oh, sure, help yourself.
Thank you.
Can you make it, honey?
Yeah. All right.
How does it feel?
Terrific.
Never had much experience
with bowling balls before.
Let me think about it a minute.
A bowling ball. Let's see.
It's probably made
out of plastic or rubber,
something like that, huh?
Well, yeah. Well, I think so.
Nobody answers.
Hey, I got it. We got an
acetylene torch out back,
I'll bet we can
melt that ball down.
But you could burn my toe.
Burns I can handle.
Think of something else.
I got it. I got it. I got it.
We'll drill a hole through
from the other side,
hook up a hose to it, and the
water pressure will force your toe out.
Oh yeah, that sounds
like a good idea.
Oh, wait a minute.
How would you know
when to stop drilling?
Don't be silly. When you scream.
Uh, we could try breaking it.
Wait, don't tell me.
You mean with a fire axe?
That would make it easier.
Forget it.
Thank you very much.
Gee, I, uh, wish you could
see me work underwater.
Yes.
I don't think we
should have come here.
I mean, after all, it's
really not an emergency.
Donald, its 2 hours
and 20 minutes before
the banquet and everybody
I've called has been out.
That's an emergency.
But it isn't really a
medical problem.
You trying to tell me
it's all in my head?
Nurse!
Uh, yes? Uh, uh...
Uh, yeah, uh, may I help, uh...
Isn't that a bowling
ball on your toe?
Yes, it is.
Oh. Well, now, what seems to
be the nature of your problem?
There's a bowling
ball on her toe.
Yeah, it's on my
toe. It's stuck there.
On my toe.
Well, I'll be...
You ought to see
Dr. Wisnicky for that.
He's very good
at things like that.
Right up his alley.
Oh...
And so then, I didn't
know where else to go.
Hmm.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Just a minute.
Tom? This is Charlie.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Come on, the bowling ball.
The story was great.
She really had me going there
for a minute until she got to the, uh,
axle grease.
Huh?
This, this isn't one
of your little jokes?
Tom, I'll get back to you.
I think what we have here is
simply a case of an excited toe.
Well, it's never been
in a bowling ball before.
Funny, but it is an excited toe.
What does that mean?
Well, it means that your
toe isn't going to come out
of the ball until it relaxes.
Uh-huh.
These are muscle relaxant pills.
They should take
care of your problem.
Take one every half hour.
Well, how long does it take?
Well, I don't know.
An hour-and-a-half,
four hours? It'll come off.
Listen, I've got to
go to a banquet,
a coast-to-coast
banquet in two hours.
Miss, the ball is not going to come
off of your foot unless you calm down.
How can I calm down when I
can't even get my big toe to relax?
Oh, oh, well, all right.
Would you just
tell her I called?
Thank you.
Karen's not home, either.
Oh, Donald, it just isn't fair.
Why did I have to be
born with high-strung toes?
Well, you could always
go to the banquet
with a bowling
ball on your foot.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Well, here goes the last one.
All right, what's so funny?
No answer.
No answer?
Oh, Donald, I mean, what's so
terrible about going to a banquet
with a bowling ball on your toe?
But I thought you
said you wouldn't?
I don't know. I mean there are
lots of people running around
New York with bowling balls
on their toes. Let's face it.
But not running.
And anyway, it's
a brand new ball,
nothing to be ashamed of.
Honey, are you all right?
Oh, I'm fine. Just
terrific, thanks.
I better go get ready.
I got to get dressed.
Uh, w-wait a minute, Ann.
What about your slacks?
I can't wear these.
It's a formal affair.
I know, I know. But
how are you gonna
get them off over
the bowling ball?
Simple. I'll simply take
them over my head.
What?
Oh, never mind.
Better yet, I'll take them
off over the other leg.
Honey, look, you just sit there,
I'm gonna go get
Dr. Bessemer, all right?
Donald, I don't need
Leon. I need Judy.
Do it.
Pa-pa-dum.
Yeah, honey, you need
all the help you can get.
But what if I'm wearing
pants underneath.
Who's gonna notice?
Everybody's gonna be
looking at the bowling ball.
Come on, help me with my hair.
Um, she's, uh, probably just
excited about the banquet.
Pa-dum. Pa-dum.
When people get that excited,
they usually have their
driver's license taken away.
Ann, hand me the brush.
Okay.
Ann, that's not me.
That's my reflection.
Oh, of course.
It's just that it looks
so much like you.
Ann, what did you do with
the pills the doctor gave you?
Here they are.
Well, this is almost empty.
What did you do with them all?
I took them.
But, honey, you're only supposed
to take one of these every half hour.
I know, but if one
every half hour can
make you relax, just think what
three every half
hour could do for you.
Now, we know what
they can do for you.
Now, what do we do?
Oh, she doesn't take any more.
She might sober up
in time for the banquet.
Oh, Donald, will you relax?
I'm not nervous.
Have a pill
Honey, in your condition,
you could slip and hurt yourself.
And Don's right.
Hey, listen, wait a minute.
If we cut the ball in half, it
would be flat on the bottom.
She couldn't possibly slip.
He's very good at
preventive medicine.
But, honey, you got
a 25-dollar deposit.
Listen, don't worry.
If we cut the ball in half, I
can sell each half for $12.50
I think you better operate.
I hope nobody notices us.
What does it matter?
We've got a good story,
you had a skiing accident.
What'll I say? I ran
into half a snowball?
Honey, nobody's gonna look
under the gauze to find out.
I sure hope not.
What's the matter?
It's that doorman again.
Well, what are you hiding for?
They already have
your name and address.
Do you think they'll make
me pay for the glass?
I don't know.
Honey, I told you not to go
through that revolving door.
Well if the man in front of
me hadn't stopped so short...
Now, don't blame it on him.
Your reflexes aren't
exactly what they should be.
Donald, the pills have
completely worn off.
I'm feeling just marvelous now.
Well, I hope so.
Here comes Carl and Estelle.
Hiya, gang, what are you doing
hiding over here in the corner?
Why don't you come over to
our table and join the party?
Well, we, we just thought...
I understand. It's all right.
You don't wanna join
our party, we'll join yours.
We'll bring a
couple of chairs...
Carl, maybe they'd
like to be alone?
They can pretend we're not here.
Hey, isn't the band great, Ann?
Come on, let's
dance. Ah, Carl, Carl...
You're not married to her yet.
Carl, it's, it's her foot.
Foot?
Hey, Stella, will you
get a load of this?
Gee, Ann, what happened?
Well, uh, it was this,
uh, skiing accident.
Oh, run into half a snowball?
Well, it is, um, an
unusual cast, Ann.
Yes, yes it is.
Uh, they made it like that
because it's easier to walk.
Yeah, and, there's, well,
there's more room for autographs.
Well, for your sake, Ann, I
hope Sharon doesn't win.
That's a terrible thing to say.
What's so terrible? I
was just thinking of Ann
clumping up on stage in
front of all of those people.
Oh, I don't clump.
A step-slide, step-slide.
Well, uh, Carl, I think we better
go back to our own table now.
Yeah. Well, Ann, whatever
happens, good luck.
Ciao, Don.
Now, there's the kind of guy who can
get a bowling ball stuck in his mouth.
What an awful thought.
If Sharon doesn't win, then I won't
have to go up in front of all these people.
Okay now, honey,
don't let it upset you.
It isn't Carl.
I was thinking what he
said before he ever said it.
What?
Some friend I am.
Sharon gives me a nice opportunity
like this, and I'm hoping she loses.
Some friend.
Honey, if you were really thinking
that, you'd never admit it to yourself.
Yeah, you're right.
But what if I'm only
admitting it to myself,
so I won't think I
really thought it?
What do you think?
I think you've been
taking those pills again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the annual
Broadway Drama
Guild awards banquet.
Let's cross our
fingers for Sharon.
I only wish I could
cross my toes, too.
It will be a nice day
when I can do that again.
And now, the award for the most
promising young actress of the year.
The nominees are Kathy Copeland,
Sharon Hackett,
and Susie Harris.
The envelope, please.
The winner is Sharon Hackett.
Oh, she won. She won.
Okay, get up, Ann.
Accepting for Miss Hackett is...
Did you ever see
such a nice clumper?
Hey, way to go, Ann!
Ann Marie.
I'd like to see
Frank Slater try this.
My big toe just relaxed.
Isn't it wonderful?
I know that Sharon
would want me to thank
everybody responsible
for her success
and for this award, and
that she would want me
to mention each and
every one of you by name.
But, of course, here
and now, that would be
impossible. So, let
me just say thank you.
Thank you so much from
the bottom of Sharon's heart.
Oh, Miss Marie...
Oh, that girl...
Hey, what was that for?
That's for standing by
me in my hour of need.
Well, I couldn't
turn my back on you.
Well, you're very sweet.
Yeah, and who wants to get kicked
in the pants with a bowling ball?
Very funny.
Ow! What's the matter?
We're stuck.
All right, uh, take it easy.
It's just my rhinestone
button is stuck to your jacket.
But it's not my jacket. It
belongs to Ajax Tuxedo Rental.
Now, easy, take it easy.
Relax. You have a nervous lapel.
Yeah, just like my
foot, remember?
Now, if you just relax,
it will come unstuck.
How can we relax?
Oh, Donald.
Oh, yeah.
♪♪