That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Honeymoon Apartment - full transcript
Ann's enlisted cousin Harold Turner comes by for a visit with his new meek bride, Edith. Knowing Harold as she does, Ann is certain that the only reason that he came by was that in being a spendthrift, he wants them to stay with her, despite the fact that this time is supposed to be their honeymoon, and Ann's tiny apartment is not well equipped for two guests let alone two on their honeymoon. Harold's rationale for not spending money is that if it isn't good enough, it's not worth spending money on. So in Harold's mind, nothing ever seems to be good enough. But accommodating Ann allows them to stay, which in turn causes a spillover effect on equally accommodating Judy and Leon, equally accommodating Donald, and a local hotel, the latter however not for Harold and Edith's honeymoon. Ann ends up being not only a honeymoon suite provider, but also a marriage counselor as Edith may quickly come to her own realizations of Harold's cheapness.
Did I thank you for the wine?
Yup. Hey, and I uh...
love your ice bucket.
Well, it's really a biscuit
warmer, but it's just
as well because you're not supposed
to serve red wine chilled anyway.
Right. And besides,
it looks more festive.
Right.
And besides, you don't get a
special assignment every day.
That's what I say. So,
right after dinner, w...
You'll stay here and help
me with my lines. Good idea.
Honey, what's so
festive about that?
Well, you have to help me. When
you're out of town, who will help me?
Well, anybody. Judy,
your father, your mother.
Will you get that? I
have to get something.
I certainly hope it's food.
Hi. Hi.
Is, uh, "Punky Puss" here?
Who?
That girl! Haha.
♪♪
Harold!
Punky Puss!
Oh wait. Hold these, Donald.
Harold, you old thing
you. Look at you.
Donald, this is my
cousin, Harold Turner.
And this is Donald Hollinger.
Wait. Glad to meet you.
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Well, I'm just here
for a few days.
Actually I'm on my
way to camp in Maine.
Harold?
Oh Honey, I'm sorry. Come on in.
I want you to meet
my wife, Edith.
Your... Oh, Harold.
Here, hold this.
Welcome to the family, Edith.
Oh, my gosh!
Harold, I didn't know
you were married.
I wasn't.
We only just got married.
How just?
Yesterday. That's
pretty just, all right.
Hey, I told Edith the first
thing we had to do was stop off
and say hello to old Punky Puss.
Naturally.
And the second
thing, find a hotel.
You mean you don't
have a reservation?
Does that matter?
Oh sure, The
Shriners are in town.
You have to have a reservation
just to be told they're all filled up.
Oh really? Well, uh...
Gee, uh, we've been riding
all last night and
today, and, uh, on a bus.
You spent your
wedding night on a bus?
Oh, it was fun. We
got a good group.
Well, we sang
songs and everything.
Oh, sounds very romantic.
Well listen, unless you want
to spend your honeymoon
in the park, you better
get busy and find a hotel.
Well, uh, maybe we ought to
check out a few places by phone.
Oh sure, it's right there.
Go ahead.
Aren't you gonna
ask them to stay?
No. Ann, I'm surprised,
that's not like you.
You don't know Harold. I do.
The only reason he stopped by
to say hello to old Punky Puss...
Hello?
Was to save the
expense on a hotel room.
He's been tight-fisted as
far back as I can remember.
Maybe he's changed?
You should have seen me
when I was a kid. I was
fat and had buck teeth.
That was physical,
his problem is mental.
You just watch him
try and move in here.
What are you gonna do?
You'll see.
Well how about that, no luck.
How many hotels did you call?
One, but he said
they were all full.
Oh, you poor kid,
you're a real trooper.
I don't want to be a trooper.
I want to be a wife.
Harold, you're not
gonna find anything.
Listen, I've got
a terrific idea.
Why don't you and
Edith stay here?
Oh, I wouldn't want
to be any trouble.
Oh, we'll sleep sitting
up. Uh, we're used to it.
Don't be silly.
I'll stay with my neighbors,
they love company.
Ann, that's very sweet of you...
Honey, we'll be insulting Cousin Ann
if we don't stay here.
That's right, and you haven't been
my relative long enough to insult me.
Now, you're gonna stay here, and
have a wedding dinner on the house.
Yeah, yeah, and a bottle
the house's best wine.
We'll go get the bags.
Oh, but remember,
it will only be for one night.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Didn't I tell you he'd
try and stay here?
But when I asked you what you
were going to do, you said "you'll see".
Well... you saw.
Oh Judy, I hate to be
putting you out like this.
Don't be silly, Ann.
It's just for one night.
I hope.
What do you mean you hope?
Well, cousin Harold
has a peculiar trait,
you give him a night,
he may grab a week.
He seemed very nice to me.
Are you sure you're just
not jumping to conclusions?
Woman's favorite sport.
I just don't want to be any
more trouble than I already am.
Ann, don't be silly.
We're glad to have you.
We haven't had overnight company
since the baby nurse left,
and frankly, I wouldn't call
Miss Storm Trooper company.
You liked her well enough
when she was getting up
at 2:00 AM with the baby.
Uh, my mother offered to stay.
Yeah, I know, but the
nurse's rates were lower.
There, that'll be fine.
Gee, Leon, I sure hope
you don't mind
sleeping on the couch.
Oh, not at all. Leon usually has to get
up in the middle of the night, anyway.
Maybe tonight he won't.
Now you see Judy,
that's what I told you.
I better sleep on the couch.
Thanks.
Good night Leon. Goodnight.
Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
I'm sorry if I disturbed you.
Huh?
Well, I left my electric
toothbrush in my apartment.
Oh, Annie, don't you
think it'd be good idea
to call the newlyweds first?
That's good thinking.
Well, I guess your teeth
will keep till morning, huh?
Hello, Harold? Hi, it's Ann.
Your cousin.
Old Punky Puss.
Yes, well you see I left my
toothbrush in the apartment,
and I was wondering if...
Oh good, thank you.
I'll just be a minute.
Bye.
He was very nice about it.
Thanks for waiting
up, Leon. Good night.
Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
What is it now?
Oh, uh, it's nothing...
It's nothing
important, I guess...
Come on, what is it?
Oh, it's nothing.
Goodnight, Leon.
It's all right, what
did you forget?
Well, uh, I don't
want to disturb you.
You're not disturbing me, Ann.
Well, uh, you see,
I left my script
in my apartment,
and I wanted to study
my lines for the workshop.
Ann, you're disturbing me.
Well, it can wait until morning.
Great.
Oh, Leon, this is ridiculous.
Why don't you let me
sleep on the couch?
I should've been
there in the first place,
then I wouldn't have had
to keep disturbing you.
We really don't mind.
Judy, Annie's our
guest, now let her talk.
We'll change over.
Great.
Goodnight, Leon. You can
say goodnight in the morning.
Hello, Dr. Bessemer's residence.
Oh, oh, well just a
minute. Now just a minute.
I'll tell him.
For me? Yes, it's Mrs. Freemont.
She's announcing
the arrival of her baby.
Oh, well, tell her
I'm on my way.
Right.
He's on his way.
Good luck.
Oh, leave me a note where
I'm supposed to sleep, okay?
Coming.
Hi. Hi. What are you doing here?
I live here, remember?
I thought you were
staying next door?
Then how come you rang the bell?
I was looking for Harold.
Oh, well he's just
getting ready to leave.
Come on in.
Well, I guess we got everything.
Edith's a wonderful packer.
Thanks so much, Ann.
You're welcome.
And I'm sure you'll be able
to find a nice hotel room
this early in the day.
Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
The good things get snapped
up real fast, and you know me:
if it's not the
best, it's nothing.
Well, your worries are over,
I found you the perfect place.
Oh, that's, that's
very nice of you.
What are the rates?
The lowest. You
can stay at my place
for the three days I'm
gonna be out of town.
Donald, that's so nice of you.
We couldn't do that.
Well, why not?
I'm leaving on
the 5 o'clock plane,
you can move in right now.
We... we... really
couldn't accept.
Ann, will you tell them?
It's perfectly all right.
It's perfectly all right.
Uh, uh, look at
it this way, Edith.
We'll be helping him out.
Why, you can take
care of the place
while he's out of town.
Why, you could dust and sweep...
Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I
couldn't let her do that. No.
Well, we insist.
If he doesn't let us do
it, we're not gonna stay.
Right, honey?
Right.
Did you every see
neater packing than that?
Nope, can't say that I have.
I could sit here and
watch Edith pack for hours.
Here's the suit.
The cleaner said
to have a good trip
and watch out for gravy.
Well, I'm all set.
I wish you didn't have to go.
I'll write you every second.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I better call my
answering service
and tell them I'm leaving town.
He's very nice, Ann.
Well, I could say he'd do
until something
better comes along.
But I have a feeling
he's a something better.
You never know how things
are gonna turn out, huh?
I met Edith in the safety zone
when the light
changed to "don't walk".
By the time we got
to the other side,
we were going steady.
Well, I'm glad I called,
there was a message
from my boss.
Well from the way you
look, you would have thought
it was the end of the world.
Well, only my assignment.
It's off for now.
Does that mean you'll be
wanting your place back?
Well, well I had
thought that perhaps
it would be convenient.
I mean all my clothes are here.
Of course, since
he's not going away.
Now, we'll just have to find
ourselves a nice hotel room.
Well... if it's not too late.
Oh, I'm sure it's not too late
if you hurry, Harold.
Here, I'll help you pack.
No, no, don't bother, Ann,
Edith's a swell packer.
It's not every guy who
isn't going anywhere
who gets two going-away
dinners in a row.
One in a row,
Harold ate last night's.
Hi.
Judy let us stay in her
place until you got home.
Uh, uh, we couldn't
find a hotel room.
We should have kept looking.
Well, we couldn't
find anything decent,
all those conventions in town.
I thought there were
some nice rooms.
Well, nice isn't good enough
for a honeymoon. It's
got to be extra nice.
Like, my apartment.
Right!
It has all the comforts of home.
That's because it is a home.
Well, as long as you
couldn't find a place to stay,
you might as well stay here.
Ann, you're being too generous.
I know.
Did you hear that,
Edith? You can unpack.
The suitcases have packed
and unpacked so often,
maybe our clothes will
just jump up by themselves.
A great little joker, Edith.
Great little packer, too.
But remember, it's
only for one night.
Well, I better go tell Judy I'll be
staying over again. For one night.
Oh, that's all right
she said it was okay.
I've lost him, I know I have.
Somewhere down inside
a little voice is saying,
"He's not coming
back. Oh, Mother."
Ahem. Uh...
He's not coming
back. Oh, Mother.
Ann, are you or are
you not my mother?
Ann?
I'm sorry Donald, what is it?
What did you say?
I didn't say anything,
I was just trying
to help rehearse.
I don't feel like
rehearsing, do you mind?
Deeply, but I'll live with it.
You know, I was just
thinking about Harold.
How did he get me
to give my apartment?
You volunteered. Only because
I knew he was gonna ask me.
And if he asked, what would you
have said? I would have said yes.
So now you know how
you got your apartment.
I had no choice. Right.
Hi! Hi.
Have a nice evening?
Well, Leon got
called to the hospital
during the overture, and
returned in time for the curtain call.
What are you complaining
about? You got to see the show.
That's what I'm
complaining about.
It was terrible.
How's the baby?
Oh, he's just fine.
He cried a little in his sleep,
I think he had a
little nightmare.
I didn't know babies
had nightmares.
Oh yeah. They
dream they're adults.
Look, thanks for babysitting.
Do you need help with the couch?
No. That's okay. I can
manage. Sounds good.
Good night.
Oh, if anybody calls tonight
to say they are having a baby,
see if you can talk
them out of it, okay?
Well, I guess I better be going.
Okay, thanks for
helping me with my lines.
Oh, I didn't mind.
I was just disappointed
that the script
didn't call for a kiss.
Turn to page 17, act 2, scene 1.
Who could that be?
Maybe it's somebody
having a baby.
Well, people about to
have babies always phone,
they never come to the door.
Who is it?
Your cousin in law, Edith.
Oh, what's the matter?
I... had my first
fight with Harold.
Oh, there, there,
now don't be upset.
That happens to every bride.
Sit down.
He won't let me
live at the base.
He said I had to go home
and stay with... Mother.
That'll be nice, staying
with your mother.
Not my mother, his mother.
Well maybe it's warmer
there than in Maine.
You don't know his mother.
Didn't he even give you
a reason why he didn't
want you to live on the base?
He said they don't have
deluxe apartments there
and he won't let me
take a furnished room.
We rode the bus,
because we couldn't get
a compartment on the train.
The hotel rooms
weren't good enough.
The only reason we weren't
engaged was because
he couldn't find a ring
with a big enough stone.
With him, it always has
to be the best or nothing.
I'm sick and
tired of... nothing!
Same old Harold.
Sorry, Ann.
I know I shouldn't be talking
like this in front of you, but
who knows a man
better than his wife?
His cousin.
Edith, Harold has been like
that ever since he was a kid.
If he couldn't afford
tickets to the loges,
he wouldn't go to
the movies at all.
And if you tried
to talk him into it,
well he'd just lock
himself in a bathroom.
Maybe one of us
should talk to Harold.
Yeah, I'll talk to
him. He'll listen to me.
Now don't worry.
Listen, Ann will fix things.
If two people are in love,
then whatever they have
is the best. Don't you think?
Even if it's the
worst, it's the best.
The philosophy's a
little fuzzy, but, uh...
I think you got a point.
I think so, too.
Harold.
Harold! Go away.
You come out of there this
minute, I wanna to talk to you.
I have nothing to say.
You can tell Edith she
better come back on her own
because I'm not going after her.
Will you please be sensible?
Harold?
Harold?
Poor kid.
Yeah, it's a shame to
fight on your honeymoon.
You play your cards right,
there's plenty of time afterwards.
It's no use.
He's locked himself in again.
Where's Edith?
And Harold is locked in mine.
I think none of us
have to brush our teeth.
I'm sure you'll like this
hotel. All our foreign
correspondents are put up here.
I'm just sorry I have to
complicate your life, Ann.
Oh, don't be silly.
Since Harold wouldn't move
out, and we couldn't impose on
the Bessemers any longer, I
think the hotel is the best solution.
Excuse me, I'd
like a room, please.
All we have left is a suite.
Suite?
Well, fine, fine.
It's the Bridal Suite.
Under the circumstances, that's
very appropriate, we'll take it.
You'll take it?
Yes. Can we sign
the register, please?
You're registering both ladies?
Yes that's right, that's right.
Isn't one the usual custom?
Oh, I'm just staying
to keep her company.
Which one is the bride?
She is.
Look, she feels bad
enough about this.
Don't make it any worse, please.
I should have gone
home when I found out.
Don't worry, the three
of us will work things out.
Let's call Mr. Cooper,
maybe he can help.
Yeah, will you hurry up?
I'm a busy man, please.
Mr. Cooper.
We have a very
unusual situation here.
I'll handle it.
Yes sir? May I help you?
Yes, yes. These two ladies,
Mrs. Turner and Ms. Marie,
would like your bridal suite since
there's nothing else available.
Certainly.
Take their bags to Suite B.
Okay honey, I'm gonna go back
to the office. Call me, all right?
Don't worry, Donald.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Come on, Edith. Now don't worry.
Now what was so
unusual about that,
that you couldn't have
handled it yourself?
"Sally enters, faces
mother, tragically"
Oh mother I've lost
him, I know I have.
Edith, is this any way to
spend your honeymoon?
Crying in a bridal
suite with another girl?
I think I'll join you.
If that's Harold, I
don't wanna talk to him.
Hello?
Oh, hi Donald.
Oh I'm just fine.
But Edith's a wreck.
I'll tell you something.
If crying were an Olympic event,
she'd be the gold medal winner.
What's the next step?
I don't know.
But somehow, I've got to get
Edith and Harold together again
and back in the apartment.
Wrong. You've got to
get Harold and Edith back
together again and
into that bridal suite.
Right, I've got to get
Harold and Edith and,
me and my apartment
back together.
Right, how?
Well, I think the
first thing to do is,
get Harold a divorce
from my apartment.
Hey Ann, what are you doing?
It's obvious, I'm packing.
Yeah, but that's
me you're packing.
I know. You're being evicted.
You're doing this to
me, your own cousin?
You don't think I'd throw out
a perfect stranger, do you?
A fine blood relative you turned
out to be, sticking up for Edith.
Harold, Edith and I are
closer than blood relatives.
We're both females.
There, now maybe you
can find a nice room at the Y,
unless of course that
isn't deluxe enough for you.
Well, what do you mean by that?
I am referring to your "all or
nothing at all" code of ethics.
To your not buying Edith an engagement ring
because you couldn't find one big enough.
To your riding the bus because you
couldn't get a compartment on the train.
You know, I'm surprised
you didn't hitchhike.
What's wrong with
wanting the best?
Harold, it has nothing to
do with wanting the best.
What it has to do
with is, you're cheap.
But Punky Puss.
Don't you Punky Puss me.
And while we're on the
subject, there's another little
matter of not taking me
to the movies because you
couldn't find enough
money to pay for the loges.
Harold, I repeat, you're cheap.
How can you say that?
Cheap, cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap.
A man has to look
out for his future.
Harold, you're so busy
looking out for the future
that you're completely
blind to the present.
Edith loves you.
Well, I love Edith, too.
Well, then go to
her and tell her so.
She's at the Pentmount
Hotel, Suite B.
She'll come back,
I'm not worried.
Just don't hold your breath.
Edith is planning on
flying home tonight,
I overheard her making
a plane reservation.
She's flying home?
Now, you've got it.
She's flying out
of your life, Harold.
You're gonna to
lose her forever.
She's flying home?
At 6:45.
I've gotta stop her.
Then you really do love her.
Sure I love her. She's
the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me.
Do you have any idea how much
it costs to take a plane back home?
Cheap!
Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Well, the occasion deserves it.
You got your apartment back.
And you were a darling
to give Harold and
Edith the bridal suite
as a wedding present.
Well, most people
give table items,
I figured I'd be different.
Anyway, it's good
to be home again.
And no studying
your lines tonight.
But I'm not perfect.
Let me be the judge of that.
Oh, I'll get that.
Hello?
Oh yes, just a minute.
Donald, it's for you.
I'll get the shrimp. Okay.
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, right, all right,
I'll be right there.
Bye.
Honey, the
assignment's on again,
I'm due at the
airport in an hour.
So eat first.
I don't have time, I have
to get home and pack.
Then we'll take the
dinner with us and eat it
on the way in the cab.
That's crazy. I'll
get the chicken.
Honey, that's crazy. What's
the cab driver gonna say?
He's not gonna say anything,
there's plenty for him, too.
Come on.
♪♪
Yup. Hey, and I uh...
love your ice bucket.
Well, it's really a biscuit
warmer, but it's just
as well because you're not supposed
to serve red wine chilled anyway.
Right. And besides,
it looks more festive.
Right.
And besides, you don't get a
special assignment every day.
That's what I say. So,
right after dinner, w...
You'll stay here and help
me with my lines. Good idea.
Honey, what's so
festive about that?
Well, you have to help me. When
you're out of town, who will help me?
Well, anybody. Judy,
your father, your mother.
Will you get that? I
have to get something.
I certainly hope it's food.
Hi. Hi.
Is, uh, "Punky Puss" here?
Who?
That girl! Haha.
♪♪
Harold!
Punky Puss!
Oh wait. Hold these, Donald.
Harold, you old thing
you. Look at you.
Donald, this is my
cousin, Harold Turner.
And this is Donald Hollinger.
Wait. Glad to meet you.
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Well, I'm just here
for a few days.
Actually I'm on my
way to camp in Maine.
Harold?
Oh Honey, I'm sorry. Come on in.
I want you to meet
my wife, Edith.
Your... Oh, Harold.
Here, hold this.
Welcome to the family, Edith.
Oh, my gosh!
Harold, I didn't know
you were married.
I wasn't.
We only just got married.
How just?
Yesterday. That's
pretty just, all right.
Hey, I told Edith the first
thing we had to do was stop off
and say hello to old Punky Puss.
Naturally.
And the second
thing, find a hotel.
You mean you don't
have a reservation?
Does that matter?
Oh sure, The
Shriners are in town.
You have to have a reservation
just to be told they're all filled up.
Oh really? Well, uh...
Gee, uh, we've been riding
all last night and
today, and, uh, on a bus.
You spent your
wedding night on a bus?
Oh, it was fun. We
got a good group.
Well, we sang
songs and everything.
Oh, sounds very romantic.
Well listen, unless you want
to spend your honeymoon
in the park, you better
get busy and find a hotel.
Well, uh, maybe we ought to
check out a few places by phone.
Oh sure, it's right there.
Go ahead.
Aren't you gonna
ask them to stay?
No. Ann, I'm surprised,
that's not like you.
You don't know Harold. I do.
The only reason he stopped by
to say hello to old Punky Puss...
Hello?
Was to save the
expense on a hotel room.
He's been tight-fisted as
far back as I can remember.
Maybe he's changed?
You should have seen me
when I was a kid. I was
fat and had buck teeth.
That was physical,
his problem is mental.
You just watch him
try and move in here.
What are you gonna do?
You'll see.
Well how about that, no luck.
How many hotels did you call?
One, but he said
they were all full.
Oh, you poor kid,
you're a real trooper.
I don't want to be a trooper.
I want to be a wife.
Harold, you're not
gonna find anything.
Listen, I've got
a terrific idea.
Why don't you and
Edith stay here?
Oh, I wouldn't want
to be any trouble.
Oh, we'll sleep sitting
up. Uh, we're used to it.
Don't be silly.
I'll stay with my neighbors,
they love company.
Ann, that's very sweet of you...
Honey, we'll be insulting Cousin Ann
if we don't stay here.
That's right, and you haven't been
my relative long enough to insult me.
Now, you're gonna stay here, and
have a wedding dinner on the house.
Yeah, yeah, and a bottle
the house's best wine.
We'll go get the bags.
Oh, but remember,
it will only be for one night.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Didn't I tell you he'd
try and stay here?
But when I asked you what you
were going to do, you said "you'll see".
Well... you saw.
Oh Judy, I hate to be
putting you out like this.
Don't be silly, Ann.
It's just for one night.
I hope.
What do you mean you hope?
Well, cousin Harold
has a peculiar trait,
you give him a night,
he may grab a week.
He seemed very nice to me.
Are you sure you're just
not jumping to conclusions?
Woman's favorite sport.
I just don't want to be any
more trouble than I already am.
Ann, don't be silly.
We're glad to have you.
We haven't had overnight company
since the baby nurse left,
and frankly, I wouldn't call
Miss Storm Trooper company.
You liked her well enough
when she was getting up
at 2:00 AM with the baby.
Uh, my mother offered to stay.
Yeah, I know, but the
nurse's rates were lower.
There, that'll be fine.
Gee, Leon, I sure hope
you don't mind
sleeping on the couch.
Oh, not at all. Leon usually has to get
up in the middle of the night, anyway.
Maybe tonight he won't.
Now you see Judy,
that's what I told you.
I better sleep on the couch.
Thanks.
Good night Leon. Goodnight.
Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
I'm sorry if I disturbed you.
Huh?
Well, I left my electric
toothbrush in my apartment.
Oh, Annie, don't you
think it'd be good idea
to call the newlyweds first?
That's good thinking.
Well, I guess your teeth
will keep till morning, huh?
Hello, Harold? Hi, it's Ann.
Your cousin.
Old Punky Puss.
Yes, well you see I left my
toothbrush in the apartment,
and I was wondering if...
Oh good, thank you.
I'll just be a minute.
Bye.
He was very nice about it.
Thanks for waiting
up, Leon. Good night.
Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
What is it now?
Oh, uh, it's nothing...
It's nothing
important, I guess...
Come on, what is it?
Oh, it's nothing.
Goodnight, Leon.
It's all right, what
did you forget?
Well, uh, I don't
want to disturb you.
You're not disturbing me, Ann.
Well, uh, you see,
I left my script
in my apartment,
and I wanted to study
my lines for the workshop.
Ann, you're disturbing me.
Well, it can wait until morning.
Great.
Oh, Leon, this is ridiculous.
Why don't you let me
sleep on the couch?
I should've been
there in the first place,
then I wouldn't have had
to keep disturbing you.
We really don't mind.
Judy, Annie's our
guest, now let her talk.
We'll change over.
Great.
Goodnight, Leon. You can
say goodnight in the morning.
Hello, Dr. Bessemer's residence.
Oh, oh, well just a
minute. Now just a minute.
I'll tell him.
For me? Yes, it's Mrs. Freemont.
She's announcing
the arrival of her baby.
Oh, well, tell her
I'm on my way.
Right.
He's on his way.
Good luck.
Oh, leave me a note where
I'm supposed to sleep, okay?
Coming.
Hi. Hi. What are you doing here?
I live here, remember?
I thought you were
staying next door?
Then how come you rang the bell?
I was looking for Harold.
Oh, well he's just
getting ready to leave.
Come on in.
Well, I guess we got everything.
Edith's a wonderful packer.
Thanks so much, Ann.
You're welcome.
And I'm sure you'll be able
to find a nice hotel room
this early in the day.
Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
The good things get snapped
up real fast, and you know me:
if it's not the
best, it's nothing.
Well, your worries are over,
I found you the perfect place.
Oh, that's, that's
very nice of you.
What are the rates?
The lowest. You
can stay at my place
for the three days I'm
gonna be out of town.
Donald, that's so nice of you.
We couldn't do that.
Well, why not?
I'm leaving on
the 5 o'clock plane,
you can move in right now.
We... we... really
couldn't accept.
Ann, will you tell them?
It's perfectly all right.
It's perfectly all right.
Uh, uh, look at
it this way, Edith.
We'll be helping him out.
Why, you can take
care of the place
while he's out of town.
Why, you could dust and sweep...
Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I
couldn't let her do that. No.
Well, we insist.
If he doesn't let us do
it, we're not gonna stay.
Right, honey?
Right.
Did you every see
neater packing than that?
Nope, can't say that I have.
I could sit here and
watch Edith pack for hours.
Here's the suit.
The cleaner said
to have a good trip
and watch out for gravy.
Well, I'm all set.
I wish you didn't have to go.
I'll write you every second.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I better call my
answering service
and tell them I'm leaving town.
He's very nice, Ann.
Well, I could say he'd do
until something
better comes along.
But I have a feeling
he's a something better.
You never know how things
are gonna turn out, huh?
I met Edith in the safety zone
when the light
changed to "don't walk".
By the time we got
to the other side,
we were going steady.
Well, I'm glad I called,
there was a message
from my boss.
Well from the way you
look, you would have thought
it was the end of the world.
Well, only my assignment.
It's off for now.
Does that mean you'll be
wanting your place back?
Well, well I had
thought that perhaps
it would be convenient.
I mean all my clothes are here.
Of course, since
he's not going away.
Now, we'll just have to find
ourselves a nice hotel room.
Well... if it's not too late.
Oh, I'm sure it's not too late
if you hurry, Harold.
Here, I'll help you pack.
No, no, don't bother, Ann,
Edith's a swell packer.
It's not every guy who
isn't going anywhere
who gets two going-away
dinners in a row.
One in a row,
Harold ate last night's.
Hi.
Judy let us stay in her
place until you got home.
Uh, uh, we couldn't
find a hotel room.
We should have kept looking.
Well, we couldn't
find anything decent,
all those conventions in town.
I thought there were
some nice rooms.
Well, nice isn't good enough
for a honeymoon. It's
got to be extra nice.
Like, my apartment.
Right!
It has all the comforts of home.
That's because it is a home.
Well, as long as you
couldn't find a place to stay,
you might as well stay here.
Ann, you're being too generous.
I know.
Did you hear that,
Edith? You can unpack.
The suitcases have packed
and unpacked so often,
maybe our clothes will
just jump up by themselves.
A great little joker, Edith.
Great little packer, too.
But remember, it's
only for one night.
Well, I better go tell Judy I'll be
staying over again. For one night.
Oh, that's all right
she said it was okay.
I've lost him, I know I have.
Somewhere down inside
a little voice is saying,
"He's not coming
back. Oh, Mother."
Ahem. Uh...
He's not coming
back. Oh, Mother.
Ann, are you or are
you not my mother?
Ann?
I'm sorry Donald, what is it?
What did you say?
I didn't say anything,
I was just trying
to help rehearse.
I don't feel like
rehearsing, do you mind?
Deeply, but I'll live with it.
You know, I was just
thinking about Harold.
How did he get me
to give my apartment?
You volunteered. Only because
I knew he was gonna ask me.
And if he asked, what would you
have said? I would have said yes.
So now you know how
you got your apartment.
I had no choice. Right.
Hi! Hi.
Have a nice evening?
Well, Leon got
called to the hospital
during the overture, and
returned in time for the curtain call.
What are you complaining
about? You got to see the show.
That's what I'm
complaining about.
It was terrible.
How's the baby?
Oh, he's just fine.
He cried a little in his sleep,
I think he had a
little nightmare.
I didn't know babies
had nightmares.
Oh yeah. They
dream they're adults.
Look, thanks for babysitting.
Do you need help with the couch?
No. That's okay. I can
manage. Sounds good.
Good night.
Oh, if anybody calls tonight
to say they are having a baby,
see if you can talk
them out of it, okay?
Well, I guess I better be going.
Okay, thanks for
helping me with my lines.
Oh, I didn't mind.
I was just disappointed
that the script
didn't call for a kiss.
Turn to page 17, act 2, scene 1.
Who could that be?
Maybe it's somebody
having a baby.
Well, people about to
have babies always phone,
they never come to the door.
Who is it?
Your cousin in law, Edith.
Oh, what's the matter?
I... had my first
fight with Harold.
Oh, there, there,
now don't be upset.
That happens to every bride.
Sit down.
He won't let me
live at the base.
He said I had to go home
and stay with... Mother.
That'll be nice, staying
with your mother.
Not my mother, his mother.
Well maybe it's warmer
there than in Maine.
You don't know his mother.
Didn't he even give you
a reason why he didn't
want you to live on the base?
He said they don't have
deluxe apartments there
and he won't let me
take a furnished room.
We rode the bus,
because we couldn't get
a compartment on the train.
The hotel rooms
weren't good enough.
The only reason we weren't
engaged was because
he couldn't find a ring
with a big enough stone.
With him, it always has
to be the best or nothing.
I'm sick and
tired of... nothing!
Same old Harold.
Sorry, Ann.
I know I shouldn't be talking
like this in front of you, but
who knows a man
better than his wife?
His cousin.
Edith, Harold has been like
that ever since he was a kid.
If he couldn't afford
tickets to the loges,
he wouldn't go to
the movies at all.
And if you tried
to talk him into it,
well he'd just lock
himself in a bathroom.
Maybe one of us
should talk to Harold.
Yeah, I'll talk to
him. He'll listen to me.
Now don't worry.
Listen, Ann will fix things.
If two people are in love,
then whatever they have
is the best. Don't you think?
Even if it's the
worst, it's the best.
The philosophy's a
little fuzzy, but, uh...
I think you got a point.
I think so, too.
Harold.
Harold! Go away.
You come out of there this
minute, I wanna to talk to you.
I have nothing to say.
You can tell Edith she
better come back on her own
because I'm not going after her.
Will you please be sensible?
Harold?
Harold?
Poor kid.
Yeah, it's a shame to
fight on your honeymoon.
You play your cards right,
there's plenty of time afterwards.
It's no use.
He's locked himself in again.
Where's Edith?
And Harold is locked in mine.
I think none of us
have to brush our teeth.
I'm sure you'll like this
hotel. All our foreign
correspondents are put up here.
I'm just sorry I have to
complicate your life, Ann.
Oh, don't be silly.
Since Harold wouldn't move
out, and we couldn't impose on
the Bessemers any longer, I
think the hotel is the best solution.
Excuse me, I'd
like a room, please.
All we have left is a suite.
Suite?
Well, fine, fine.
It's the Bridal Suite.
Under the circumstances, that's
very appropriate, we'll take it.
You'll take it?
Yes. Can we sign
the register, please?
You're registering both ladies?
Yes that's right, that's right.
Isn't one the usual custom?
Oh, I'm just staying
to keep her company.
Which one is the bride?
She is.
Look, she feels bad
enough about this.
Don't make it any worse, please.
I should have gone
home when I found out.
Don't worry, the three
of us will work things out.
Let's call Mr. Cooper,
maybe he can help.
Yeah, will you hurry up?
I'm a busy man, please.
Mr. Cooper.
We have a very
unusual situation here.
I'll handle it.
Yes sir? May I help you?
Yes, yes. These two ladies,
Mrs. Turner and Ms. Marie,
would like your bridal suite since
there's nothing else available.
Certainly.
Take their bags to Suite B.
Okay honey, I'm gonna go back
to the office. Call me, all right?
Don't worry, Donald.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Come on, Edith. Now don't worry.
Now what was so
unusual about that,
that you couldn't have
handled it yourself?
"Sally enters, faces
mother, tragically"
Oh mother I've lost
him, I know I have.
Edith, is this any way to
spend your honeymoon?
Crying in a bridal
suite with another girl?
I think I'll join you.
If that's Harold, I
don't wanna talk to him.
Hello?
Oh, hi Donald.
Oh I'm just fine.
But Edith's a wreck.
I'll tell you something.
If crying were an Olympic event,
she'd be the gold medal winner.
What's the next step?
I don't know.
But somehow, I've got to get
Edith and Harold together again
and back in the apartment.
Wrong. You've got to
get Harold and Edith back
together again and
into that bridal suite.
Right, I've got to get
Harold and Edith and,
me and my apartment
back together.
Right, how?
Well, I think the
first thing to do is,
get Harold a divorce
from my apartment.
Hey Ann, what are you doing?
It's obvious, I'm packing.
Yeah, but that's
me you're packing.
I know. You're being evicted.
You're doing this to
me, your own cousin?
You don't think I'd throw out
a perfect stranger, do you?
A fine blood relative you turned
out to be, sticking up for Edith.
Harold, Edith and I are
closer than blood relatives.
We're both females.
There, now maybe you
can find a nice room at the Y,
unless of course that
isn't deluxe enough for you.
Well, what do you mean by that?
I am referring to your "all or
nothing at all" code of ethics.
To your not buying Edith an engagement ring
because you couldn't find one big enough.
To your riding the bus because you
couldn't get a compartment on the train.
You know, I'm surprised
you didn't hitchhike.
What's wrong with
wanting the best?
Harold, it has nothing to
do with wanting the best.
What it has to do
with is, you're cheap.
But Punky Puss.
Don't you Punky Puss me.
And while we're on the
subject, there's another little
matter of not taking me
to the movies because you
couldn't find enough
money to pay for the loges.
Harold, I repeat, you're cheap.
How can you say that?
Cheap, cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap.
A man has to look
out for his future.
Harold, you're so busy
looking out for the future
that you're completely
blind to the present.
Edith loves you.
Well, I love Edith, too.
Well, then go to
her and tell her so.
She's at the Pentmount
Hotel, Suite B.
She'll come back,
I'm not worried.
Just don't hold your breath.
Edith is planning on
flying home tonight,
I overheard her making
a plane reservation.
She's flying home?
Now, you've got it.
She's flying out
of your life, Harold.
You're gonna to
lose her forever.
She's flying home?
At 6:45.
I've gotta stop her.
Then you really do love her.
Sure I love her. She's
the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me.
Do you have any idea how much
it costs to take a plane back home?
Cheap!
Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Well, the occasion deserves it.
You got your apartment back.
And you were a darling
to give Harold and
Edith the bridal suite
as a wedding present.
Well, most people
give table items,
I figured I'd be different.
Anyway, it's good
to be home again.
And no studying
your lines tonight.
But I'm not perfect.
Let me be the judge of that.
Oh, I'll get that.
Hello?
Oh yes, just a minute.
Donald, it's for you.
I'll get the shrimp. Okay.
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, right, all right,
I'll be right there.
Bye.
Honey, the
assignment's on again,
I'm due at the
airport in an hour.
So eat first.
I don't have time, I have
to get home and pack.
Then we'll take the
dinner with us and eat it
on the way in the cab.
That's crazy. I'll
get the chicken.
Honey, that's crazy. What's
the cab driver gonna say?
He's not gonna say anything,
there's plenty for him, too.
Come on.
♪♪