That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 26 - You Have to Know Someone to Be Unknown - full transcript

Oh, Donald, look, look.

"Look, look!"
screamed the crazy girl

bursting into his office.

Do I look crazy?

You look great.

I feel great. What day is it?

Tuesday. Tuesday.

Tuesdays are lucky.

You know, some girls are
beautiful when they're angry.

Others when they're hysterical.

Who said I'm hysterical?



Who said you're beautiful?

I'm not hysterical, I'm excited.

Donald, Harold J. Davis
is casting for his new play.

You're gonna read
for Harold J. Davis?

Uh, well, that's almost right.

You got the part?

Cold.

It's between you
and one other girl.

Uh, well, luke.

Between you and Luke?

Donald. Honey, I give up.

The answer is right here
in the New York Times.

Harold J. Davis is
looking for an unknown girl

for the lead in his new show.



That's it?

Donald, it's perfect.

He's looking for an unknown.

Who's more unknown than me?

Dolores Haywood.

Who's Dolores Haywood?

Uh huh. See?

Donald, this is the
biggest talent hunt ever.

It's in all the columns, and
he's even taken out ads.

And he's even got a
billboard on Broadway.

I've just got to
get in to see him.

Honey, it's easier
to see the president.

Oh, it can't be as tough
as everybody says.

Honey, I did an article
on him last year...

You did? Yes, and I had to
wait 3 months for the interview.

Oh. Well then,
you got it, right?

Yeah, I got it.

And now you're big buddies.

Buddies? Honey, I don't think

he looked at me once
through the whole interview.

But he'd never
forget your voice.

Oh, Donald, call him for me.

Tell him you know the
perfect girl for the part.

Don't you think it
would hurt your chances

if I told him I knew you?

Why could that hurt my chances?

Then you wouldn't be an unknown.

Hey, maybe I should
call him and tell him

I don't know a
perfect girl for the part.

No, no. I tell you, Donald.

I've never been so
sure about anything

in my whole life.

Just read that description.

Unknown actress. Talented,
unusual, bright new face for Broadway.

Oh, Donald.

That girl is this girl.

I'm that girl.

♪♪

You won't call him.

It's not that I won't, I can't.

Won't and can't
are the same thing.

No, they aren't.

Won't means will not,

and can't means can not.

It's not that I
will not, I cannot.

Oh, all right, don't.

What do you mean don't?

Strange that somebody
who knows so much

about won't and can't doesn't
know a thing about don't.

Ann, he wouldn't remember me.

I'd sound like a fool.

I understand.

He'd resent my calling and
because of it, he'd resent you.

I understand.

You can't do it,
and that's that.

I understand perfectly.

Why can't she understand?

Donald, maybe he wouldn't
remember you at first,

but once you
reminded him, he would.

And why should
he resent anything?

Ann, Harold J. Davis
isn't like anyone else.

He's totally unpredictable.

He's a wild man.

Oh, how wild could he be?

Enough to start an accidental
fire the night before the

opening of "Blazing
Inferno" as a publicity stunt.

Now, that's pretty wild.

Look, if you're nervous
about calling him, forget it.

Ann, listen.

No, really. I'll get
the part. By myself,

without any help.

Listen, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Is there someone here I
don't see whom you have

the right to call sweetheart?

Could it be that wall, Donald?

I mean, mind you,
it's a nice-looking wall.

Oh, come on, honey.

No, I really have to be going.

Look, why don't we have lunch?

And break in to your schedule?

Why? A busy man
like you must have

a dozen calls not to make.

Which one do you like the best?

The one in the middle.

Well, I think it's definitely

between these two.

Uh, how's the letter coming?

My biggest problem
is how to sign it.

Oh, why don't you
try "yours truly"?

Yours truly?

Judy, this letter's
going to Harold J. Davis.

He's a fantastic person.

Do you know that they call him

the Prince of Publicity?

He's wild, and
he likes wildness.

What is so wild about a letter?

It's not the letter.

It's what's in the letter.

It's what I'm planning to do.

Ann, what are
you planning to do?

I can't tell you.
It's too crazy.

I've just got to come
up with a good signature.

See, it can't be anything
like "yours sincerely"

or "very truly yours".

Any of that. Can't be that.

Why don't you ask Don?

He's a writer.

He'd be the last one I'd ask.

Oh, it's a... Must have
been some argument.

There was no argument.

I was right and he was wrong,

and that was that.

And that's Don.

How do you know?

Well, whenever there
was no argument,

and you were right
and he was wrong

and that's that,

he always comes
over to show you just

how wrong you really were.

Hi, Don. Bye, Don.

There's something to
drink in the refrigerator.

Oh.

I thought this was
the refrigerator.

Who are you writing to?

Mr. Davis.

For an appointment?

Exactly.

It's Plan A in my master plan

of spectacular events
that will bring me

to the attention of
Mr. Publicity himself.

Why don't you just
let your agent call him?

Because he's looking
for an unknown.

Unknowns don't have agents.

Look, honey,

I hate to be the
one to tell you this,

but you really don't have to
pretend to be an unknown.

You are an unknown,
agent and all.

If I didn't know you,
I wouldn't know you.

Donald, I appreciate
your concern.

I honestly do.

But I'm gonna have
to do this my way.

It's crazy, and I
may feel a little silly,

but I hope it's gonna work.

Well, you need any
help with the letter?

No.

Do you wanna go out
and get something to eat,

and finish it later?

No, no.

I wanna finish it now.

All I have to do
now is just think

of a good way of signing it.

Well, since he's looking
for an unknown, how about

"Anonymously yours"?

Thank you, but I'd rather
figure it out by myself.

Oh.

I've got it.

"Anonymous" has
one N in both places.

Thank you.

Okay.

This is the skinniest
one you could get?

Skinniest live one.

Funny, Sheldon, funny.

He'll do.

Got the item?

Right.

Religious leader
on hunger strike

in protest over Davis play.

Beautiful.

All right.

This was just delivered for you.

It's marked personal,
private and confidential.

Go read it.

I did, but I think you
better read it yourself.

"Dear Mr. Davis,
corral the horses,

call off the hounds,
the hunt is over.

As if in a vision, you will see

the perfect face
for your new play.

Turn around slowly
and she will appear.

Anonymously yours".

Carol, is there a window
washer on the ledge?

Right.

With two glossy 8x10's
of anonymously yours.

Close the drapes.

That's the first
thing they all think of.

You know, that window
washer makes more money

holding up pictures
than Jesse James made

holding up banks.

Hello there.

A dollar, here we are.

Thank you so much.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm the luncheon hostess.

It's a new thing they started.

I've seen these costumes

in at least 10 different plays.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. That's very
unlikely, wouldn't you say Marv?

No, no, no, they're originals.

We bow to you, HJ.

Lunch time.

I didn't order for you, fellows.

Oh, that's okay.

We never eat lunch. Do we, Marv?

But we sure admire
people who do.

Uh, just leave it.

Just as soon as I
get you organized.

The daughter's dress
needs a little more.

I said that to Marv

just before we came
across this threshold.

True?

Marv will handle it.

Well, the whole
thing seems about

10,000 too much.

Boys, stay here and come up

with a better price,
or take the designs

and I'll go to someone else.

Never. Ha ha ha.

We'll work something out, HJ.

True, Marv?

Good.

How's the lunch, Mr. Davis?

Well, better get to work, boys.

The lunch, Mr. Davis?

Oh, lunch is fine, but...

Hey, you're new, aren't you?

Well, no. You
see, actually, I...

Well, don't come back.

You're a pest.

Don, I saw
something this morning

you'll never believe.

Try me.

I was going up
45th Street in a cab,

and outside one of the theaters,

I don't remember which one,

The one where Davis'
new show is opening.

That's right, that's right.

Hey, that's right.
How did you know?

Lucky guess. Go ahead.

Well, there was this girl

in a sandwich
board walking a duck

on a leash and
wearing the wildest hat.

And she was the image of Ann.

Image of Ann. How did you know?

I know Ann.

It was Ann?

I'm sure of it.

What's she doing?

Plan A.

What are you talking about?

Jerry, Ann is trying to
meet Harold J. Davis,

so she's doing all
these crazy things.

Don, you interviewed
him a year ago, didn't you?

Why don't you just call him up?

Jerry... What?

You're no friend.

Oh, I didn't know you were busy.

He's never too busy
to see the duck lady.

You can come in anytime.

Well, um, this isn't social.

This is business.

She's gonna sell us a duck.

How are things going?

You mean, you're interested?

I'm interested.

Don, I may have missed
something, but I still

don't understand. Why
don't you call Davis?

Oh, well, it's not that
he won't, Jerry, he can't.

There's a big difference
between won't and can't.

You see, won't
means won't, and can't,

that means can't.

I feel there's no
place for me here.

Hey, you look great.

Don't try to soothe
me with flattery.

Oh, no, no, no. That's
a great-looking outfit.

Those are beautiful
earrings, really.

I mean it. And such good taste.

Those are the prettiest
earrings I've ever seen you wear.

They're Judy's. I borrowed them.

But you borrowed
that pair with your taste.

Judy has other earrings
you could have borrowed.

But no, you tasted those.

Uh, picked.

I love you, Ann.

Donald, could we talk seriously?

You consider "I love
you" a punchline?

I have some business I'd
like to talk, if you don't mind.

All right. You wanna talk
business, we'll talk business.

What business?

I'd like to borrow some money.

How much do you need?

$12.80.

You don't have $12.80?

I have $62.20.

I need $12.80, so
that I can have $75.

What do you need $75 for?

I really don't think you have
the right to ask me that, Donald.

You've shown
very little interest

or encouragement in my career.

Well, I know what
you need $75 for.

And it's gonna surprise
you to learn that it costs

a lot more than $75
for brain surgery.

Fine, Donald.

Okay, Ann, okay.

Here, take it. I don't care.

$12, $20, $40.

If you need it, you can have it.

There's only $8 here.

Oh, well, here.

Here's 8... 9,
10, 11, 11.50, 12,

12... Do you have any change?

Yeah, I think so.

Here's 50, 60, 68, 70, 1...

Oh, Donald. Oh, you're nuts.

How's your campaign working out?

Well, I'm throwing my trump card

with this $75.

Why, what are you gonna do?

You'll tell me not to do it.

Probably.

That's it. That's what?

Donald, you have no
right to tell what not to do.

Ann...

If you had called
in the first place,

I wouldn't have to do all this,

then you'd have
the right to object.

But you didn't and
I do and you don't.

But honey, to gamble
every cent you have...

It's no gamble.

Don't you remember
a couple of years ago

when two movie producers
wanted Marlon Brando

to read the script,
but he wouldn't?

So?

So, they rented this moving van,

and they put in it
a beautiful, easy,

comfortable chair
for him to sit in,

and a beautiful reading lamp

and his favorite drink

and their script in the chair.

And that's your Plan A?

Right, I've rented a moving van

and a stage and a spotlight

and a beautiful easy chair

for Mr. Davis to sit in.

And I'm gonna have the
movers take the whole thing

up into his office.

And then I'm gonna
get up on that stage

and I'm gonna audition for him.

Oh, it's just the kind
of idea he'll love.

Honey, believe me, that is
the craziest thing I ever heard.

Really? Yes, it's crazy and
dumb and wild and insane and...

You mean it?

Yes, yes, I mean it.

I mean... Oh, Donald.

Then it's perfect.

Ann, now listen.

I have and you're right.

It's all of those things, and
that's why Davis is gonna love it.

I've gotta go, and I've
got a million things to do.

Davis Production.

Uh, Harold Davis, please.

Who may I say is calling?

Uh, Don Hollinger,
"Newsview Magazine".

Oh, hi, Don.

Hi.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

You don't sound like
you remember me.

Well, oh, y-yes, I remember you.

I-I just didn't think
you'd remember me.

As a matter of
fact, I'm flattered.

You were very nice as I recall,

but we remember you fondly

as one of the few
people who didn't rip

Mr. Davis to shreds.

Well, thank you, thank you.

Well, I-I just tried
to write what I felt.

Uh, b-but listen, I'm
not calling about me.

Uh, listen, I have
this friend, a girl,

Ms. Ann Marie.

And she would like
very much a chance

to read for that part.

I'm going to tell you something.

If you say I told you,
I'm going to deny it.

Okay, what?

The part's taken.

Oh, no.

It's been cast for weeks.

You should have
known that all that stuff

in the paper was
just to stir up publicity.

L-listen, I gotta go.

What happened?

Well, y-you know that
girl I was telling you about?

Well, I gotta stop her
from making a further

fool out of herself.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

If I miss her, stop her,

tackle her, shoot her.

She'll be better off.

Take it easy with
that, I just rented it.

Don't forget the foot rest.

How come you're puttin' an
apartment in an office building?

I'm not gonna live here.

I'm just gonna audition here.

And that lamp you'll
attach on to the stage.

Ann, Ann.

Don't forget the
bar. Look, look.

Hold it a minute, will
you, please? Just hold it.

Okay. Will you keep going?

They work by the hour.

Honey, look.
Please don't do this.

You're just gonna
embarrass yourself.

It's gonna work.
Honey, it's crazy.

That's why it's gonna work.

Now, listen to me.
The part is taken.

Oh, Donald.

I'm telling you.

But it's in the paper
again this morning.

Believe me, it's cast.

Donald, does it
mean so much to you

that you have to make
up a story like that?

Look, I am not
making up a story.

There is no part available.

It was all a publicity stunt.

I mean, to actually
lie to a person...

I am not lying.

Does my being a star
upset you so much?

Ann, it's taken.

You know, Donald,
I'm not mad or upset.

You're really very sweet.

Oh, brother. You actually
think I'm doing the wrong thing.

And you'd even sacrifice your
honesty for what you think is right.

All right, I'm telling
you, I called him.

His secretary told me.

Oh, Donald, you called him.

What's his number? Fast.

I don't remember it.

Ho-ho-ho.

Well, pardner, I sure would like

to banter 'round with you more,

but my stage is pulling out.

Pull out, stage.

May I help you? What
have you got going there?

Come on, I implore you,
pick on one of these seats.

You can't do that.

Who was that?

Oh, that's, uh, Ms. Ann Marie.

You are kidding.

How long you think we're
gonna have to wait for her?

I'd say about 10 seconds tops.

Three, two one...

Carol, show this person out.

You can strike the set.

Come on, fellows.

Hey, Herbie, looks like
we're in show business, huh?

I think we got a
flop on our hands.

Didn't Don tell you?

Don? My Don?

Don Hollinger.

That's my Don.

You know Don?

He called about you, but
I said the part was taken.

He really called?

He wanted to set
up an interview.

He really called?

He was trying to catch
you before you got up here.

He caught me.

Why didn't he tell you?

He told me. So?

I didn't believe him.

Hey lady, if you want us,
we'll be at Sardy's waiting

for the reviews.

The part's been gone for weeks.

Don let me come up here and act

like some dopey starstruck kid.

But he told you.

But he didn't convince me.

Here.

Ann?

Oh, Donald, I'm such a dope.

Okay, cut it out.

I can't. I'm such a dope.

Yeah, but you're a cute dope.

How dare you put up with me.

Well, it's my Plan A.

Hi.

Hi, Don.

I have the tissue
concession here.

You called him, didn't you?

Uh-huh. Late, but I called.

Well, the part's
been cast for weeks.

It was just a publicity gimmick.

Sure, what does he care?

A little space in
the newspapers,

a little talk around town.

What does he care if Miss Unknown gets
all worked up and believes all that jazz?

What does he care?
I'm just a nobody.

No use getting all worked up.

You work for a rat.

You know, you hear about rats,

but this is a real,
big-time rat rat.

It's just business.

Well, it's rat business.

I'll be out for an hour.
Do take messaging.

Going on a cheese break?

Don't quarrel with him.

Nobody ever bothers, and that's
why he gets away with this kind of thing.

Oh, thank you very much.
I guess I'm not through.

Let me tell you
something, Mr. Davis.

The theater used to
be a wonderful thing.

Ann, for crying out...

But you've done everything
in your power to take away

any respect people
ever felt for Broadway.

Sure, I'm not important.

Ann gets kind of excited.

I am not excited, I'm calm.

Just one calm little actress
hoping that someday I'm gonna

have the chance
to be on the stage.

Honey, he's gonna
do other shows.

Not with me. Let me tell you...

You can sit up there
in your ivory tower...

below you, but that world
is filled with real people,

and those people are
filled with real feelings.

And those feelings
deserve respect.

I'll admit that I'm
one little speck

in this world, Mr. Davis,
but there are millions

of little specks like me.

And you put me and the little specks
together, and you no longer have a speck.

You have a blotch.

All right, so you've got
somebody to play your part.

That's just fine.

But if you think that
your little publicity stunt to

build up interest in your
show and sell more tickets

was a wise one, you're wrong.

Because you've lost my ticket,
Mr. Davis, and I usually buy

a 30-dollar ticket.

Are you quite through?

Quite.

Miss uh?

Marie.

Ms. Marie.

I must say you've provided
me with the most interesting

elevator ride I've ever taken.

You know, in my 30-some
odd years in the theater,

I've read and seen
thousands of plays.

In a great proportion
of those plays, the plot

has dealt with a
situation much like this.

A deserving person such
as yourself confronts an ogre

such as myself.

And suddenly, he
realizes that she is exactly

like the person he
should like to employ.

Oh, Mr. Davis.

I can only say for
you now, my dear,

that although such a
scene constantly occurs

in literature, it never
happens in real life.

Good day.

Nice trip?

Did it hurt much?

You don't seem very upset.

Wait till you hear
what he said to me.

Have you ever seen a play,
Donald, where the girl wanted

the job very badly,
and it was denied her?

And so she tells off the ogrish
employer in no uncertain terms.

And in the last act, he
turns to her and says,

"You know what, I
like your spunk, kid."

Yeah, wait. You
don't mean that he...

Just listen.

And then, even though the job
she wanted was already taken...

Yeah? He turns to her...

Ann, can I ask you a question?

You just did.

Okay, can I ask you
another question?

That was another question.

Okay, Ann.

What?

Listen, were you
ever really angry at me

for not calling Davis?

Oh, Donald. Do you really think
I could ever be angry with you?

Well, there was a time there.

Do you really think I could ever let my
career interfere with my feelings for you?

Well, no. Well, it's just
that you seemed so upset.

Now, that would have
been rather petty of me,

wouldn't it?

Yes, yes, it would.

And you think I
could be that petty?

Oh, no, no. I...

Have we ever had a
petty argument before?

I mean, have I ever gotten
angry with you over anything?

Well, honey, it's just that
I care so much about you.

That's what makes
it so maddening.

Okay, okay, forget it.

Forget it?

A dear friend thinks you're the
kind of person who gets angry

for no reason at all.
And you say "forget it?"

Yeah, that's right, forget it.

Oh, Donald, that
makes me so mad.

Mad? How can that make you... A little
simple thing like that makes you mad?

Well, that's ridiculous.

See, now you're angry.

Angry over that?

I got you.

I love you.

King me.

♪♪