That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 15 - Beware of Actors Bearing Gifts - full transcript

Hobart, an actor in Ann's acting workshop, gives Ann a gift and tells her he wants to be friends. She feels that people should become friends before they give each other gifts, and tells him that she accept it. He still gives her gifts and tells her not to worry about it, because he stole them. Ann and Donald try to return everything so that Hobart won't have to go to jail.

But would it have
changed anything, Ralph?

Would we have acted
better through all this?

Sorry, Mimi.

I'm afraid I couldn't give
you an honest answer.

Well, I'm afraid I could, but
I'll reserve it till after lunch.

You people must remember
we're doing a murder mystery.

Tight, taut, suspenseful.

We have to squeeze the
audience like a frightened orange.

Mr. Benedict, I'm a little confused
about how my character should be played.

Much, much better.

Well, what about
me, Mr. Benedict?



What's my motivation?

You're the corpse.

Your motivation is dead.

We'll begin again
promptly at 2:15.

Aren't you two coming with us?

Oh, no thanks, Jane.
I have a lunch date.

What about you, Herbie?

Wanna join us?

The name's Hobart.

And I have some errands to run.

Ann, if I may take the liberty
of calling you by your first name,

I'd like you to accept this as a token of
good luck on our joint theatrical venture.

Oh, my.

Oh, Hobart, it's beautiful.



But, but I couldn't accept this.

Well, I wish
you'd think it over.

I saw it on my way to rehearsal.

Well, its pretty face reminded
me of your pretty face.

Oh, that's very
sweet of you, but...

I said to myself, "Hobart, if that
wrist watch belongs any place,

"it belongs on
the pretty wrist of

that girl."

♪♪

You don't like it.

Oh, Hobart, it's lovely,
but I really can't accept it.

Why not?

Well, because I'm, I'm
sure it's very expensive.

And we hardly know each other.

And about 12 other reasons.

But you'd accept it
if we were friends?

Oh, maybe I would but, well,
people become friends first,

and then they
exchange gifts later.

Not in my case.

You see, I have the
personality of a damp prune.

So I give presents first and
make friends later, if I'm lucky.

Hobart, wait.

And he said he
wanted to make friends?

Yeah, isn't that weird?

I don't see anything
weird about it.

The guy obviously
wants to make friends.

Did he ask you for a date?

Oh, Donald, don't be silly.

He's only about nineteen.

Well, maybe, he's got
a thing for older women.

I am not old enough
to be an older woman.

And besides, it wasn't
anything like that at all.

I told him I couldn't accept the
watch, and he just wouldn't listen.

So I'm gonna
invite him for dinner.

You're gonna what?

Here's your delightful
gypsy dessert. Thank you.

To be eaten to the occult
pyramid of delightful gypsy music.

Some nut gives you a gift, and you
wanna invite him home for dinner?

Now, that's certainly a great
way to prove you can't buy friends.

Any requests? Oh, we're talking.

I don't know that. My
specialty is Orchachornia.

Yeah, well, we'll
settle for Orchachornia.

Good. That I play poor.

Everything else I play lousy.

This is the way it's gonna
be, huh? What do you mean?

Everytime some weirdo comes
along, you're gonna drag him in

off the street like
a stray dog and

try to straighten out his life.

No. I just don't wanna
hurt his feelings.

Oh, boy.

What oh, boy?

There you go again.

You're involved.

I am not involved.

Then give him back the watch.

I will.

But I have to prove
something first.

I'm gonna invite him to dinner and
then, I'll give him back the watch.

And then I'll invite him to
dinner again with no watch.

What will that prove?

A dinner with no watch
proves I'm his friend.

Who's a friend without a
watch? It's a private matter.

Then it shouldn't be
discussed in a public place.

Hi. You're early.

No, I'm late. You
said 8 o'clock.

I know, but that was
based on a perfect oven.

What?

I've got that dial set for 400,
but I know it's cooking at 200.

How do you know that?

My lasagna should
have bubbled at 7:30.

Good. We can watch
it bubble together.

You, me and your friend, Hubert.

Hobart.

Now, Donald,
please be nice. I will.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, Hobart Niles, this
is Donald Hollinger.

Nice to meet you,
Hubert. Hobart.

Oh, Hobart. Thank you.

Uh, when Ann said she
was making an Italian dinner,

I thought she might
be able to use this.

Oh.

It's an Espresso
coffeemaker. Oh.

It's just a token.

Of what? Friendship.

Oh, I know you have Ann
spoken for romanticwise,

so please don't think
I'm trying to buy love.

As I explained earlier, I'm
only trying to buy friendship.

Did you always feel you had to buy
people presents to get their friendship?

Not all people.

Just those I'd like
to be friends with.

Why do you feel you
have to bribe them?

Well, after careful self-analysis
of my basic personality,

I've come to the conclusion that it's
unlikely people will like me naturally.

So I just try to give
nature a shot in the arm.

Well, why won't people
like you naturally?

Because I lack charm.

As far as I know, I
never charmed anyone,

except possibly my
mother, and Gertrude.

Oh, your girlfriend?

No, our dog.

She died.

Oh, that's too bad.

But I think you've
got a lot of charm.

Don't you, Donald?

Uh, well, it's, uh... it's a little too
early for me to say for sure, but...

I have the charm of a corpse.

That's probably
why I got that part.

And he is a great corpse, too.

Well, I, I've, I've never seen him as a
corpse, but I'm, I'm sure you're excellent.

See, Donald likes you. And
you didn't give him anything.

I was gonna bring him a
shirt, but I didn't know his size.

Hobart, there you go again.

There's something immoral about giving
people presents to buy their friendship.

Why? I don't give
anything dirty.

I mean, immoral
in the sense that,

well, friendship should
be based on, well on...

Friendship.

Exactly.

And that's why I want
you to take this back.

I offended you.

I was just trying to cement
our friendship and I offend you.

I am not offended.

And besides, if
you keep this up,

it's just a question of
time before you go broke.

No, it isn't.

Why isn't it?

Because I don't buy them.

I steal them.

Oh, hi Jane. Have
you seen Hobart?

Yeah, he was here a minute ago.

Look at what he gave me.

Hobart gave you that?

Yeah, wasn't that sweet of him?

He gave me this
sweater. Isn't it great?

Yes. It's also hot.

Yeah, a little, but I don't wanna
hurt his feelings, so I'm wearing it.

No, I don't mean
that kind of hot.

It's stolen. All of the stuff he's
given us is stolen. How do you know?

Well, he was at my house last
night and he told me so himself.

How do you like that?

The creep's a crook.

No, he's not.

He's just very confused.

We just can't turn our backs on a person
who's drowning in a sea of lovelessness.

That line must be in the
play, but I don't recall where.

Anyway, your
delivery is improving.

I wasn't delivering,
Mr. Benedict.

We were just trying to help
a very disturbed fellow actor.

In this production? Yes.

Forget it. He has a
right to be disturbed.

Mr. Benedict, it's Hobart Niles.

He's been stealing things out
of stores and giving them to us.

He doesn't mean any harm.

If my students are in
possession of hot merchandise,

I advise you to see
that they return it.

But Mr. Benedict, he's obviously
troubled and he needs our help.

Not we, you.

But I can't do it alone.

You'll have to. I'm too
busy with my own neurosis.

I suggest you
get rid of the loot.

You mean, just throw it away?

Unless you plan to
sell it on the corner.

It belongs to
someone, to the store.

Very well, Ms. Marie,
in the interest of fair play,

honesty and ending
this boring conversation,

I suggest you gather up a
box and return it to the store.

Oh, what if they
think I'm the crook?

Take it to the Lost
and Found Department.

What will I tell them?

Either you lost it or found it.

I'll tell them I found it.

Good choice.

And stop grabbing my coat.

You don't believe me.

Ms. Marie, you're supposed
to be a good actress.

And if I'm not, you'll read my
reviews in the police gazette.

Yes?

Uh, I, uh, I have these things.

Well, what's wrong with them?

Wrong?

I wasn't expecting
that question.

I mean, there's nothing
wrong with them.

I found them.

You mean, you have no complaint.

Oh, golly, no.

Then you go there. This
is the complaint window.

Oh, thank you.

That's better.

It's you.

Of course.

Why can't you wait
on me over there?

Well, there are separate
files, separate forms.

Oh, seems so silly.

If you have any complaints, you'll
have to go back to that window.

Oh, no, no. No, I'm sorry.

Um, I found these.

I know. But where
did you find them?

Where? Yes, I mean
at what part of the store?

Oh, not in the store.

Outside.

Really?

Where?

In the park.

You found all these
things in the park?

Isn't that something?

Well, it certainly is.

I wonder what our merchandise
was doing in the park.

That's just what I said, and
that's why I brought it right back.

Very interesting.

And what park did
you say that was?

I didn't.

Well, what park was it?

Central Park. Past the
boats and near the zoo.

Here, what is your name?

My name?

What do you want my name for?

I'm just the finder.

Right. But when we find the loser,
he may want to find you and thank you.

Oh, I don't care about that.

Why don't you just find the loser
and forget the finder. Well, bye.

Oh, but Miss, we really
must have your name.

Well, the next time I find
something, I'll give it to you.

Bye.

Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. It's
okay. How did you make out?

Oh, I was never so nervous,
but all of Hobart's loot

is back where it belongs
and everything is settled.

So let's go inside and
have a cup of coffee.

I have a better idea.

Call the police.

What do you mean?

A television set. Color.

Where did it come from?

I took the liberty
of opening the card.

"When I was here the other night, I
noticed you didn't have a color TV set.

"Now, you do.
Sincerely, Hobart".

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

Hobart has made the
transition from petty thievery,

to grand larceny.

The police would
never understand.

Yes, they will, Ann.

They have a whole
robbery division

that does nothing but
understand robberies.

But they'll treat him
as a common criminal.

Well, what would you
like them to treat him as?

As a misguided young man who desperately
yearns for the approval of society.

You do not get the approval of
society by stealing television sets.

Right. So before we find Hobart
and bring him to his senses,

we better sneak this TV set back where it
came from and that will be the end of it.

Will you promise? I promise.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Where is it from?

He got it at Zip's
Discount Emporium.

How do you like that?

He stole it wholesale.

Hi There. Welcome to Zip's.

Uh, thank you. We've come to...

I want you to consider
this store your home.

I'm, uh, Stanley Zip.

You're really Zip?
I beg your pardon?

Oh, well, uh, oh, we didn't know
that Zip was the name of a person.

Yeah, we thought
it was a trade name.

It stands for both.

As a name of a person, it
stands for warmth and integrity.

As a trade name, it stands for quality
and above all, customer satisfaction.

And now, what
could I do for you?

Well, it's a little hard
to explain but, uh, but...

Uh, we want to return
this color television set.

It's impossible.

You mean to tell me you beat
my low, low price elsewhere?

Because don't forget,

a Zip television set includes
a free 2-week saver's policy.

Well, no. I'll tell you what.

I'll include two
free record albums.

That's very kind
of you but, uh, but...

Look, we just want to return it.

Well, what's wrong with it?

Uh, well, it's, uh,
it's just not right.

Did you read the
instruction book?

Because sometimes, the trouble is the
viewer don't understand how to work it.

It has three knobs.

One controls the
delicacy of the skin tone.

The second... Please
Mr. Zip, we just wanna return it.

Aren't I entitled
to an explanation?

Yes, you most certainly are.

Give Mr. Zip an
explanation. Thanks.

Uh, well, um, we wanna
return it because, uh,

well, because...

Because it clashes with
the style of our room.

You mean with the
period of the décor?

Is that what I mean?

Yes. With the
period of our decor.

Worst clash you ever saw.

Sorry. This, you should
have thought of before.

Zip's Discount Emporium
has a strict policy of no refund.

Well, I thought you guaranteed
customer satisfaction?

I do, but within reason.

We understand perfectly,
Mr. Zip. And business is business.

So I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll just leave it here
and forget the whole thing.

And let me keep the money?

Easy come, easy go.

Yeah, besides, we
didn't buy. It was a gift.

Oh, it was a gift. That's right.

In that case, and basically
because I'm a softy,

I can give you credit
for the cash equivalent

of any merchandise
I have in my store.

Simply give me the Zip slip.

The what?

The sales slip.

We don't have it.

Then, give me the name of the
purchaser, and I could look him up.

We don't know it.
You don't know what?

The name of the purchaser.

You mean, you got a color television
set, and you don't know from who?

Well, it, it was an
anonymous giver.

Yeah, and, and that's why we feel, uh, well
it would be unethical for us to keep it.

Oh, are you two
babes lost in the woods.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I can look up the purchaser
from the serial numbers.

Donald, let's make
a break for it. How?

Okay, just move toward the door
very nice and look like you're not guilty.

I'm not guilty. You look guilty.

Yeah, that's
'cause I feel guilty.

Let's go.

Halt!

Is either of you Ann Marie?

Yes.

Him.

Uh, this set was purchased
for delivery to you.

A paid for in full
by Hobart Niles.

Paid for?

You mean, he walked in here, paid for
that television set and walked right out?

That's the only way
you could walk right out.

May I see that, please?

How do you like that?

Thank you, Sir.

Come on, Donald.

Where? To the
workshop, to kill a corpse.

Would you please tell me everything
you know about Hobart Niles?

That petty thief?
What about him?

Well, that's just it.

He's not a very
convincing thief.

Or a corpse, for that matter.

May I ask why should
that concern me?

I think Hobart Niles is rich.

That concerns me. How rich?

I'm not sure yet, but if
he's as rich as I think,

I'm really gonna give
him a piece of my mind.

When you're finished,
bring him back here. Why?

I wanna give him a
piece of my workshop.

Aloha. May I assist you?

We demand to see
Mr. Hobart Niles.

May I say who is demanding?

Never mind. We'll
announce ourselves.

Oh, Donald.

Holy smokes.

Hobart.

Well, this is a
pleasant surprise.

Not to us.

Hobart, we have just left
Zip's Discount Emporium,

where it was our purpose to return the
television set that we thought you stole.

But we were told you didn't
steal it, you bought it. Is that true?

Yes.

You led us on a
wild goose chase.

We thought we were
keeping you from going to jail.

Yeah, we could
have got arrested.

I'm sorry.

Well, you should be.

Now, what's this all about?

Are you rich, or are you poor?

It's my father.

He's rich.

I live on an allowance.

Not a thousand dollars a week.

$1,200 a week.

$1,200 a week?

Why do you make
everybody think you're poor?

And that you steal things?

Well, it's complicated.

If you'll sit down,
I'll try to explain.

This better be good.

See, I told you I stole those
things because I thought it

would give me a
more exciting image.

So far, that's not good enough.

Oh. Well you see,

I've led a very sheltered
life in Bismarck, North Dakota

under the adoring thumb
of my mother and father.

My father wanted me to stay
and be his partner. In what?

Balloons.

Your father flies
around in balloons?

No, he makes them.

And other people
fly around in them?

No, they play with them.

On New Year's Eve, and
at children's birthday parties.

But you didn't wanna go into
your father's business? No.

So, I decided to rebel
and come to New York.

You came here to rebel?

Yes.

Against what?

That's the problem.

'Cause I'm a rebel
without a cause.

Did you think becoming an
actor would give you a cause?

Not really. You see, I
have no talent for acting.

Also, I don't like it.

Well, what do you like?

You'll laugh.

No, we won't.

Well, what I'd
really like to be...

is a director.

Well, what's the matter with
that, as long as you work at it?

All right.

I think I have a
constructive suggestion.

Now, I don't know
if it's gonna work,

but it's certainly a lot
better than going around,

buying and lying
your way through life.

Now, you know
Mr. Benedict. Of course.

Well, I think he might be
interested in your problem.

I think he might even
be willing to let you direct.

I already discussed it with him.

Well, maybe he could be
talked into changing his mind.

Would you be willing to invite
him over here to discuss it?

Would I? Well, sure.

Okay, where is the phone?

There's one right out there.

You know, that was really
nice of Ann to make that gesture,

especially after all
the trouble I caused.

But phoning Jules Benedict... I sure
hope she knows what she's doing.

Yeah, so do I.

It could give me all
the confidence I need.

It could change everything.

Did you call him?
He's on his way.

He's willing to
discuss it? Yes, he is.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Would you both be
willing to stay for dinner?

See, I'd be too nervous
to talk to him by myself.

Oh, we'd love to.
Wouldn't we, Donald?

Yeah. Yeah, we'd, we'd love to.

Oh, that's great.
Well, I'll tell the cook.

Remember when I warned you
about not getting involved? Yes.

But if everything turns
out all right, it doesn't count.

Yeah, but what makes you
think it's gonna come out all right?

Because, Mr. Benedict
needs money, right?

Well, Hobart has money.

So I got involved.

But I proved the point.

Wrong. Why?

Because he's still using his
money to buy a friendship.

Wrong.

He is using his money
to buy into a business,

and that's what money
should be used for.

Well, I hope you're right. Because as
a friend, Benedict isn't a very good buy.

But would it have
changed anything, Ralph?

Would we have acted
better through all this?

Sorry, Mimi. I'm afraid I couldn't give
you an honest answer to that question.

I could, but I'll reserve
it till after lunch.

We'll begin again
promptly at 2:15.

How about lunch, Hobart?

No, no, no, no, no time.

Oh, and please,
the name is Bart.

Oh, Ann.

Oh, Hobart. I'm sorry.
If it's about lunch,

I already have a date with Don.

It's about your performance.

If I were you, I'd forget
lunch and work on my lines.

I liked him better
when he was poor.

Rich or poor, I could
never stand the boy.

I think I've created a monster.

Put him in business with me.

♪♪