That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 1 - Don't Just Do Something, Stand There - full transcript

It's perfect, Ernie. We'll shoot the
whole commercial right here in the lobby.

You really think it's better
than a baseball park?

Not only better, it's
cheaper. It's perfect.

Jungle madness brings
out the beast in a man,

even in New York,
the heart of civilization.

Yeah, I see what you mean.
What would a girl be doing

all alone in a baseball park?

Shaggin' flies.

Yeah, this is it.
You hear a scream.

Two guys drag the
girl past the elevators,

past the candy counter...
Into a waiting car.



We'll use my car. If the agency
doesn't buy this, we're gonna

get out of the
commercial business.

If they don't buy this, we're gonna have
to get out of the commercial business.

All right, now we've got the
car, the building, Mike and Jim...

All we need now is an actress.

What actress? All
we need is a young girl

with a cute face who can take
a punch. We can use any girl.

Name one.

I got her. Who?

That girl.

♪♪ [Theme song]

You're perfect. Perfect.
Isn't she perfect, Ernie?

Nice, yes.

Thanks. What'll you have?



We want you.

There's a doorman outside,
6'5", all I've got to do is whistle.

Wait a minute.

How would you like
to be an actress?

An actress? I am an actress.

You're an actress?

Well, even an actress has to
earn a living. Is this for a play?

No, it's a kind of film.

A film? You mean a movie film?

No, it's not a movie,
it's a commercial.

A commercial? That's terrific.

Well I mean, millions of
people watch commercials.

I could be discovered
from a commercial.

Sure, it happens all the time.
Now what do you say, will you do it?

Do I? Where do I go and when?

Right here, tonight at 7.

Tonight? Oh, doesn't give
me much time to learn my lines.

For your part, you got
enough time. See you at 7.

Oh, wait a minute.
What about my script?

You don't need one.

What do I do? All you've
got to do is scream.

Ah? I scream great.

Through your nose? What?

No, you're gonna be tied up. You're gonna
have a piece of tape across your mouth.

Uh huh. What
kind of part is this?

It's gonna be what you make
it, kid. You've got to sell it.

You can do it, too. You're gonna
make a lot of it, with your eyes.

My eyes? Yeah, sell panic
and fear with your eyes.

Panic and fear.

Yeah, yeah. You'll see.

See you later.

[whispering] Panic and fear...

[screams]

Yes, sir? May I have a
pack of Spearmint, please?

Oh yes, Spearmint gum.

Here it is.

Five cents.

Thank you. Here you are.

Thanks a lot.

[screams]

This isn't going to be easy.

I've got a charley
horse in my eyebrow.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Shirley McChesney from Custom
Interiors on the 16th floor, and the owner

asked if maybe we could
put this sign on the counter.

Custom Interiors close out sale.

I didn't know there was
a shop like that upstairs.

Nobody else did, either.
That's why we're moving.

Oh, hey, wait a minute. I don't suppose
you have a roll-top desk up there?

Oh yeah, a great one.

Oh, terrific. I've been looking
everywhere. My Dad is dying for one.

Well now's the time
to buy it. 50% off,

but you better get up there fast because
a lot of people are starting to come in.

Oh. I'm stuck here
till my lunch break.

Well...

don't put the sign
up until after lunch.

That's kind of sneaky, isn't it?

Look, you're doing us a favor.

Just do it a little later.

Thanks a lot.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Um, it's over there
against that wall.

[Ann] Oh, it looks perfect.

If you're interested in
buying it, Mr. Rudolph,

the owner, will be
back this afternoon.

Oh good. Can I look at it now?

Sure.

Hey, wha...?

Oh, it's you.

The top was stuck.

Oh, well take it easy.
You might break my desk.

Here, would you hold
this for me, please? Sure.

Are you Mr. Rudolph,
the owner of this shop?

No, I'm Don Hollinger,
the buyer of this desk.

How can you be?
I'm buying this desk.

I... I'm sorry, but
I was here first.

I didn't see you, and I
was standing right here.

I didn't see you, either.

Well that's because you
were behind the desk.

Right. And since I had to be in front
of the desk in order to get behind it,

I must have been here first.

But if you didn't see me come in last,
how do you know I wasn't here first?

Wait a minute. Um, squat.

Squat yourself.

Please, just squat down.
Please, just behind the desk.

Please, please just squat.

Go ahead. Squat.

Okay. Okay, now I'm in front
of the desk and I can't see you.

Then how do you
know I wasn't here first?

You're making
this very difficult.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to.

Look, I want to
be fair about this.

Fine. I was here first,
so I'm buying the desk.

You were probably still downstairs
making faces in the mirror.

That was uncalled for.

I know. Why do you do it?

It has nothing to
do with my desk.

It's not your
desk, it's my desk.

Oh, well then, why
don't you buy it?

Now you know perfectly
well that I can't buy

this desk until the
owner gets back. Right?

Exactly. And for the same
reason you can't buy it either.

Right, so nobody's here
first till the owner gets here.

And if we're both here when the
owner comes in, nobody is here first.

That's a very
interesting theory.

[Ann] Do you agree?

Well, how can I?
I'm not here yet.

Look, I don't have time
to keep talking to you.

I've got to get back
to work. Look, so do I.

Oh, do you work in the building?
Yes, "News View Magazine".

What a coincidence,
I work downstairs.

Yes, yes. I know that.

Hey, I've got an idea.

I can't wait.

We'll both put down a $10 deposit
so nobody else can buy the desk.

Well, that's,
that's a beginning.

And then later on we'll decide
between us which one should get it.

No, no, I can't do it
later, I'm working tonight.

So am I.

Well, look, what about
tomorrow during lunch?

Look, I really don't
think that's a good idea.

I mean it's always wise
in these kind of things not

to confuse it with a
social relationship.

I said during lunch. I didn't
suggest we eat together.

Oh.

Okay, let's give
the lady our deposit.

Well, I, uh... What's wrong now?

Well, there's just one thing.

What?

Could you lend me $10?

Perfect, perfect.

All right, Gary, up
here, beside the actress.

We're going to
get ready to roll.

Good, Honey. Good, good.
We'll practice that later.

Now, when they run in there and grab
you, I want a lot of that nose screaming,

and a lot of kicking.
Remember that.

A lot of screaming and
a lot of kicking. Got it?

And my eyes.

Oh yeah, and your eyes.
A lot of eyes, a lot of eyes.

What's this commercial for?

Perfume.

Perfume? Yeah, perfume.

This commercial is gonna
show that even the girl behind

the candy counter gets carried away
when she's wearing Jungle Madness.

You like that? Oh, yes.

It's great. Just great.

Thank you. All right,
now let's get this on you.

Oh, wait a minute.

You're sure I'll have
my check tomorrow?

Well what's the matter?
Don't you trust us?

Oh, yes, yes, I do trust you.

It's just that I have to have
the check, in case I get the desk.

What desk? Oh,
this terrific desk.

You know, right after I first saw
you, there was a guy here buying gum.

We both went upstairs at this
decorator's shop on the 16th floor

and saw this great desk, and my
father's always wanted one all of his life

just like that. I really want to buy
it for him, and you really don't care.

No.

And you'll get your
money tomorrow.

All right guys, now,
get her up there.

Pick her up, nice and gentle.
Get her over behind that stand

so we can get to
work. We're gonna roll.

All right. Easy.
Fine. Very good.

Now you can practice your
screaming while they are doing this.

Ok. All right. Fine.

All right Tom, you
get out of here now.

Jim, I'm sorry.

Now, close that up.
Now, listen to me guys.

When I yell "Action", go. Carry her out of
that stand, shoot her past the elevators,

make your turn off
around that corner.

Got it? Get your gun out.

Stand by, we're gonna roll.

Ernie, are you ready?

Yup. Good. All
right, stand by to roll.

Nose, baby, nose.

And eyes. Remember
that. Keep it going.

And, roll it.

And... Action.

Well come on. Move
out, guys. Go, go.

Good, fine, in there.

All right, fine, now
get her out [Screaming]

Nice, very nice. Good.
Now keep the gun up.

Keep it up, that's good.
Get the eyes going.

Nose, nose. More
nose. Good, good.

Very good. Good.

Hey, wait.

Don't worry, don't worry. This is
an express elevator to the 16th floor.

When we get there, we take
the express to the 32nd floor.

They've got to
take the locals up.

By the time they get to
the 16th, they won't know

if we took the locals back
down or the express up.

And by that time, we can call the police,
the whole building will be surrounded.

[screaming] Don't
worry. Please don't worry.

I know exactly what I am doing.

[whirring noise]

I'm having a heart attack.

Wait, wait a minute.

Come on now, hurry up. Come on.

Wait, will you calm down?
I'm trying to help you.

Stop, please. Now wait.

Stop it, please. Wait,
stop it please. Here.

You're tearing my face, you're
ripping my face, you crazy person.

What do you think you're...
What are you doing?

Get a hold of yourself.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?
What are you doing?

I'm saving your life.

Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Now, don't worry about
that, you can thank me later.

Thank you? For what,
ruining my career?

Now how is my saving your life gonna
stop you from selling candy and gum?

I am not a gum
seller. I am an actress.

Or was... It... But...
But those two guys?

Those weren't guys,
those were actors.

What? Yes.

We were shooting a commercial, when
who comes charging into the scene like...

Captain Dumb-dumb.

Look, I didn't know.

I, I mean I thought you were
in trouble, really in trouble.

Well now I am really in
trouble. I bet they'd fire me.

Oh, look, I'm sorry. I... I'm...

Look, is there anything
I can do to help?

Yes, you can... No, no...

I know, don't
say it. Don't say it.

I'm going up to the 32nd
floor. Don't ever try to find me.

Wait a minute! You
forgot to untie me!

Shoot.

Can we do another take?

So he went up to the 32nd
floor and I went down to the lobby.

We didn't get through with the
commercial until about 4:00 this morning.

Gee, I hope it turns out good.

Okay, but what happened
to the guy in the elevator?

I don't know. We were there
until 4:00 and he never came down.

He's probably still up
there wandering around.

Hey, maybe he's like the
Phantom of Notre Dame.

Or the Hunchback of the Opera.

You know, living up
there in the elevator shaft,

and only coming down in
the night to attack people.

Judy, he works in the building.

Oh, you know him?

Only to scream at. First with
the desk and then the elevator.

You know, I've been
thinking about it all night.

He was really very brave.

He didn't know those
men were actors.

He thought they
were real crooks.

It took a lot of courage.

He's not a monster at all.

He's a regular three musketeer.

Is he cute?

Yeah, he is kinda cute.

Gee, a handsome swashbuckler

sweeps you up in his arms
and rides off in his elevator.

That's so romantic.

I guess it was, until
he ripped the tape off.

Yeah, that must've hurt.

And you know what I did instead
of thanking him for saving my life?

I balled him out.

You know actually
that wasn't very nice.

Actually, it was rotten.

You know what I should do?

Apologize.

No. I think you should.

No, I mean I'm gonna apologize,

but I owe him more
than an apology.

So give him an apology
and free gum for a week.

I don't think he's the kinda guy
who'd take free gum from a lady.

I know what I'll do.

I'll let him buy
my father's desk.

Yeah, well from the way you
told it, he was there first anyway.

Judy, that has
nothing to do with it.

Well, what are
you so upset about?

You just said you were
gonna let him buy the desk.

Well I am.

But I wanna let
him buy it to be nice.

Not because he deserves it.

Excuse me? Yes?

Are you the owner? Yes, I am.

Oh good. I work downstairs and I was
up here yesterday when you weren't here.

Oh, sorry I missed you.

Well, what I came up about was-

You see that desk
over there? Yes?

Well, I put down a
$10.00 deposit on it with

Mr. Hollinger who
also put down a deposit,

and what I wanted to tell
you is, I'd like to give up

my deposit and let
Mr. Hollinger buy it.

Oh, you don't like the desk?

Oh no. I love it. I've been
looking for one for months,

except Mr. Hollinger
was here first.

Oh. Well, if you really want a desk
like this I think I could find you one.

But it... it wouldn't be easy.
Are you really interested?

Oh, I really am.

Well of course I'm too
busy during the day.

I think we'll have to go
desk-hunting at night.

At night?

Yes. Well I mean...

you wouldn't mind, would you?

Well, uh, well I just
have to think about it.

Think? Well, what is
there to think about?

Is it the money?

Yes! That's it, the money.

I just couldn't afford it.

At the price I can get you, you
couldn't afford not to have one.

Listen, why don't we just
go over to your desk there,

I mean and your pen is
there and your pad is there,

and you probably wanna be real close to
them so we could make out this transaction.

Oh.

Oh, it's you.

This is Mr. Rudolf.

He was just straightening
everything out about the desk for me.

Good for you.

Yes, he's just taking
care of everything.

So I can see.

Well, have fun.

Hey, wait a minute.

Who is he?

He's the fellow I
wanted to get the desk.

But I don't think he understood.

Well, let's not worry about him.

He's already got a desk.

Let's see if we can
find something for you.

Well actually, as a matter of
fact, this is just the desk I want.

I love this desk. I
really want this desk.

When smart girls play their cards
right, they get exactly what they want.

[desk slams] Aaah!

What a shame.

Listen, I really hope it's all right. But
I'm not gonna stick around and find out.

[cash register drawer ringing]

May I have some gum, please?

The usual? Fine.

Before I give you this, I just
want to explain about this morning.

Listen, I went up
there to tell that man

to sell the desk to you.

You really expect
me to believe that?

Well, I was doing it to thank
you for rescuing me last night.

Oh. Oh yeah, the rescue.

Well, never fear. Captain
Dumb-dumb is always here.

I mean it. You didn't
know it was a commercial.

You really risked
your life for me.

Yeah, and I ruined
your commercial.

That's why I was
upstairs this morning.

I was gonna tell the guy to
tell to let you buy the desk.

Oh you didn't have to do that.

Oh. Yeah, I realized
that when I walked in.

You seemed to have gotten the
desk without any help from me.

I did what? Well
that's why I walked out.

I didn't want to ruin
another performance.

I knew you thought
that, I just knew it.

Yeah well, what was
I supposed to think?

You were supposed to see
that Mr. Rudolf was annoying me.

You know, you really
do have a problem,

knowing when somebody
needs help, and when they don't.

Well you certainly
aren't very good when it

comes to helping people
know you need help.

The confusion could be
in the eye of the beholder.

May I have my gum,
please? What about the desk?

That you can have. I
never want to see it again.

Why, what's wrong with it?

It would always remind me
of a very painful experience.

May I have my gum, please?

Yes, you may.

Thank you.

Just a minute.

What now?

Five cents.

Uh, hello.

Oh, it's you. You've come back.

Not out of choice,
out of necessity.

What is it? Well, there's
a little change in plans.

Mr. Hollinger doesn't want the
desk anymore, so I'm buying it.

Well frankly, I don't
care which of you buys it.

I just want to get
it off my hands.

That's a pun.

I'm really sorry about that.

Does it still hurt?

Well, I don't think
anything's broken...

Yet.

Well, I can see why you
are going out of business.

You're not very business-like.

Oh, all right. Where
would you like it delivered?

To my father.
Here's the address.

And I'd like to look at this desk
and see if it rolls back smoothly.

It was stuck before.

Oh yes, it just rolls back.

See, it's stuck. No,
it's nothing. It's nothing.

It's just a little hard
to open with one hand.

Well, here, let
me try. No, I'll do it.

Mr. Rudolf, will you watch out?

You're gonna get
your hands hurt again.

Don't touch that girl.

You're getting a bit of a bore.

Ughn!

Don't hurt him.

Oh Don, are you all right?

I thought you were in trouble.

Oh no, we were just
having trouble with the desk.

What are you doing up here?

I came to get my deposit back.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just
looking for four-leaf clovers.

Well, is there anything
I can do to help?

Yes, stay as far away
from me as possible.

[door closing]

You had no right to hit him.

He accosted me in my establishment,
therefore I had a right to do

whatever I wanted to,
including belting him in the gut.

You still want this desk?

Yes, I do.

[desk opening]
No, wait a minute.

I've changed my mind.
Oh, you don't want the desk.

No, I do want the desk, but I
don't want to send it to my father.

Where do you want it to go?

I want it to go to
Mr. Don Hollinger,

in care of News View Magazine,
right here in this building. Thank you.

You mean that person
who was just in here?

That's right.

You're gonna give this
desk to that baboon?

That baboon just happens
to be Captain Dumb-dumb.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Are you closed?

Oh no, not yet.

Well I uh... I got the desk.

You like it?

Oh yeah, yeah. It's just
what I always wanted.

That was very nice of you.

Oh, well. I thought it was
the gentlemanly thing to do,

considering it was
really yours anyway.

Oh. Well... Anyway,
I owe you a desk.

Okay.

Oh here, wait a minute.

Here's your half
of the deposit back.

Oh, thank you.

Here's the $10 I owe you.

Oh, yeah, that is mine isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh hey, could I have
a pack of gum, please?

Oh, is that all you have, a ten?

Yeah, that's all.

Well, the owner took the cash
box. I don't have any change.

Oh. I know where we
can get some change.

Oh, that's okay.
You can owe it to me.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. I
already owe you a desk.

Why don't I take you to dinner, and
I can pay you back out of the check?

Oh well...

Come on. Do you have a
favorite restaurant around here?

Well, there is
one I kind of like.

There's this little Italian
place around the corner.

[Ann] I think you might like it.

Is the food good?

No, but the change is great.

[laughing]

You know, you really didn't
have to take me out to dinner.

Well, you didn't have
to buy me the desk.

I didn't really
buy you the desk.

You still have to pay for it.

[Ann] Yes. You do.

I don't. I don't.

Are you ready for dessert, sir?

Yeah, Ann?

Oh, they all look so
good. You pick first.

Let's see. I uh, I think
I'll have the Napoleon.

Very good, sir. I think
I'll have one of those too.

Oh, I'm sorry, madame.
But that's the only one left.

I guess you'll just
have to fight for it.

[laughing]

Your half.

We should have thought
of this with the desk.

[laughing]

Hi. I'm Marlo Thomas.

I hope you liked our first show.

Well actually, it wasn't our first
show, it was our preview show.

Our real first show will be on next
week, when the season officially begins.

Tonight you saw how
"that girl" met her boyfriend.

And in next week's show,
you'll meet Ann Marie's parents,

in the episode that shows what
happens when she leaves home

and goes to live in New York.

And wherever you live, I hope you watch
"That Girl", in color or black and white.

I just want you to watch.