That '90s Show (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - That '90s Pilot - full transcript
We're going to sing and have some fun...
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
♪ Grooving in the heart ♪
You smell good.
Oh, it is the Hellmann's.
Was that a car door?
That was a car door. I got it. I got it!
I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got it! I got it!
Oh my God. Mom, I didn't even knock.
Mom.
Mom, you're motorboating me.
Dad.
Son.
Hug?
Nah.
Hey, Grandma. Hey, Grandpa.
Leia. My grandbaby.
Hey, kiddo.
Boy, you sure have gotten tall.
Oh, and congratulations.
Those buds are blooming.
Yours... look good too?
Why, I bet you're a holy terror
on the basketball court.
I hear you got your mom's jump shot
and your dad's
last name.
- I'm gonna take a bathroom break.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Just be careful with the faucets.
The water comes out, like, scalding hot.
It's a normal temperature, Eric.
You've just got that sensitive baby skin.
You know,
I am so excited
about this Fourth of July weekend.
We are gonna grill weenies,
watch the fireworks...
I even rented The Little Mermaid.
Oh. Thanks, Mom,
but she's not really into that anymore.
Our little mermaid... got her period.
God, Eric!
Don't worry, honey. I got it.
Hello, Wisconsin!
Who wants a warm snickerdoodle?
I do. It's a little weird
that you're smelling my hair, Mom.
I haven't seen you since Christmas,
so I will smell you however I want,
and you're fine with it.
So, Donna, Eric sent us
the review of your new book.
We read it.
Oh, you read my book?
No, the review.
Thanks, Mrs. F.
Aww...
- I wish you'd call me Mom, you know?
- I know.
Okay.
Someday.
This weekend.
So, Eric, how are things
at the university?
Going great. I'm an adjunct professor now,
which means I got
a permanent parking space
for my bicycle.
That's what happens
when your course is super popular, Dad.
"The Religion of Star Wars"?
Oh yeah.
This country's gonna lose the next war.
Not if it's an intergalactic battle
between good and evil.
Hey, I'm gonna go shoot some hoops.
Hey, Leia, tell your grandparents
what we're doing this summer.
Oh, we're going to...
We're going to Huntsville, Alabama,
for a little father-daughter Space Camp.
Just the two of us... for two weeks.
Houston, permission to have fun, over.
Houston, do you read me, over?
- Permission granted.
- Yeah!
But you... you didn't say "over."
- Mom?
- Okay, Leia, go shoot some baskets.
I don't need you
to see your dad get any nerdier.
Space Camp.
Do you get to put on
a Buck Rogers costume?
Nah. Only if you buy
the Command Module experience.
Which I did!
Leia doesn't seem like she wants to go.
I think she might be
at that age where she needs space.
I'm giving her space... camp.
- Space Camp.
- Eric's having a hard time with Leia.
It's a tough age... 38.
Okay. Okay.
All I know is that I'm going to love her
and stand behind her, no matter what.
That is a great idea.
Because when you stand
behind your kids, it's easier...
To put your foot in their ass.
We got it, Dad. Thanks.
♪ And I'm here ♪
♪ To remind you ♪
♪ Of the mess you left
When you went away ♪
♪ It's not fair ♪
♪ To deny me ♪
♪ Of the cross I bear
That you gave to me ♪
♪ You, you, you oughta know! ♪
Hello.
What are you doing, creeper?
Oh, nothing weird!
I was just standing outside your window
and watching you sing
and wondering
what it would be like to... be you.
I'll go now.
Unless you want to hear
a cool bootleg I got in Chicago.
Oh, I'm listening.
Yeah, it's, uh, pretty major.
Big-time bootleg.
The bootiest of legs.
Just go get it.
On it.
Please be here when I get back.
So this was your mom's old room,
and your dad lived next door?
I bet they boned in here all the time.
Explains a lot.
Sometimes,
late at night,
when everything's quiet,
I can still hear the...
Sorry. I love making people
feel uncomfortable.
You're really good at it.
Anyway, tell me about Chicago.
What are you into?
Me? Uh, a lot of stuff.
School.
School's a big one.
And I'm a pretty big deal in Debate Club.
That's not up for debate.
Yeah, I'm not popular.
Good.
Popular people suck.
Yeah, they really do.
Ooh, this part's dope.
Damn it, Gwen!
Turn that crap down. I'm trying to shave.
Older brother. Different dads. He's cool.
Mostly 'cause he has a van,
and he's fun to mess with.
Watch this.
Seriously, Gwen. I almost nicked my nerps.
This whiny vagina music is bumming me out!
Oh yeah, Nate?
Me and my new friend are gonna
start a band and call it Whiny Vagina.
I'm gonna start a band
and call it That's Stupid.
Nice.
Damn it, Gwen!
I love having the house full again.
It just... It fills me with joy.
And then you leave, and it's sad.
And then winter comes.
And I visit Mom's grave.
And I tell her how much fun it was
when the house was full.
- So can I have the syrup now?
- Oh, of course.
Morning. Bye.
Whoa. What the hell is that thing
in your nose?
Uh, a nose ring?
Your move, baby skin.
- How did this happen?
- Gwen gave it to me.
Oh! Okay, it was Gwen.
Cool. I didn't know it was Gwen.
Question before you leave.
Who is Gwen, and why is she
poking holes in your perfect face?
She lives next door,
which is where I'm going right now.
- Are her parents home?
- No, but her older brother is.
Honey, you're really
not helping your case.
Dad, I'll be 20 feet away.
Okay, you can go, but you have to be
home in time for fireworks.
- Okay?
- I'll try.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
As Master Yoda said...
Why?
As Master Yoda said,
"Do or do not. There is no try."
Master Yoda was a puppet from a fake
world with some guy's hand up his butt.
Now you're just being hurtful.
Ah, teenagers!
I feel for you, son.
But, on the other hand,
payback's a bitch.
Uno.
I think you're only allowed
to drop one card.
Excuse me?
Cool basement.
It's a dump.
No offense.
Ozzie and I met last year in detention.
Tell her what you did.
I told my math teacher
his wife was cheating on him.
She was making out with some dude at IHOP.
- That's horrible.
- I know.
IHOP.
Show some class.
You're not gonna believe what happened.
It's the best thing ever!
That's what you said
when the McRib came back.
I thought it was gone forever, Nik.
Aww! You were scared?
Oh, babe.
Hey, new girl.
Hey, boy.
Man...?
I don't know how
the whole puberty thing is going for you.
Probably great.
Leia, this is Jay.
Please place all your zippers and buttons
in their upright and locked positions.
Hey, not cool, Gwen. I'm just doing
a little get-to-know-you chitchat.
So,
are you spiritual?
I am.
You're making a face.
But that would have worked on me.
Can I tell my awesome story now?
So we were just chilling in my van.
- Why does he always get to sit in front?
- I called shotgun.
- But I'm your girlfriend.
- Yeah, but he's my best friend.
- Bro.
- Bro.
Bro.
Bro.
Oh my God. I turned down a senior for you.
I'm sorry, babe,
but you're both important to me.
But Jay's had my back
for the past 12 years,
and you've had my front
for the last six months. I can't choose.
Hey. Are you here to pick up the keg
from Mama's Discount Liquors?
- Yes.
- Yes.
And you prepaid, right?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Sweet.
Happy Fourth.
- Bro!
- Bro!
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro. Bro!
- Bro. Bro!
- Bro!
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro.
They were like this the whole ride.
Come on, babe.
It's a Fourth of July miracle.
With beer!
Why are we still talking?
Let's tap that keg and get stupid!
- Yeah.
- Oh no.
We don't have a tap.
And, without a tap,
the beer is... is trapped.
- Would a kiss make it better?
- Not unless you have a mouth full of beer.
- Do you?
- No, I don't.
This feels weird.
Very different.
Well, I'm having fun.
Why is it so smoky?
Oh God, the popcorn!
Enjoying yourselves, kids?
You're upstairs people now.
I knew it would happen.
Just not this soon.
Quit worrying, Eric. Leia will be fine.
So now you can tell the future?
Where were you when I bought
those slippery brown shoes?
I couldn't get up the ramp at the airport.
Okay, Eric.
No more Zima for you.
Yeah, you're right. I'm... I'm flying.
I saved most of it.
Ah. Thanks, Mom.
"Mom."
You see how easy it is, Donna?
Can't you just say it?
Nah. Feels forced.
Come on, Mom, just drop it.
Nah.
Feels forced.
Kids versus beer.
It's a tale as old as time.
It happened to our parents
and our parents' parents.
The kids on the Mayflower.
Ozzie. You're killing me, man.
I'm trying to think here.
I know. I can smell it.
Wait, why can't we just
go back to Mama's and get a tap?
We've all tried to buy from her,
but she's tough.
I mean, I even hit her with the,
"Hey, girl."
Nothing.
- What if we get a laser?
- We're not getting a laser.
Well, I guess that's it.
We tried everything.
You said one idea, and it was stupid.
You're stupid!
You're all stupid!
You hate beer and you hate America.
- Baby?
- Yeah?
Are you feeling frustrated?
Yeah.
- Is this why you're lashing out at others?
- Yeah.
How about tomorrow we go into the woods,
and I watch you do karate on a tree?
- I'd really like that.
- Oh.
Are you dill weeds finished?
Leia, you should buy the tap.
Mama doesn't know you.
Oh yeah. You totally could.
Plus, your eyes are crazy pretty,
which won't really help get the tap,
but it's something I noticed.
Hey, girl.
Leia, it would be so badass.
I guess I have done
some pretty crazy things.
One time at the beach,
a seagull stole my sandwich,
and, under my breath,
I... called her "bitch."
You know what? I'm in.
All right. New girl is sick.
- To the van!
- Pause.
This isn't gonna work.
I'm pretty sure OshKosh B'gosh here
is gonna get carded.
Good point.
I have an idea.
You sure you want to be drinking
in your condition, hon?
Oh, it's...
It's for my husband.
He... He got a keg for the baby shower.
Oh, fancy.
- That'll be $39.50.
- Okay.
I'm no lady doctor, but I think
something's wrong with the baby.
Nice try.
I'm sick of you kids.
I'm calling the cops.
Put the phone down, Mama.
Shut up.
Fine, but when the cops get here,
how are you gonna explain to them
why you gave a keg to a bunch of kids?
It wasn't me. It was Wade.
Mama!
Either way, you lose your liquor license.
So put the phone down, sell me the tap,
and we all have a nice Fourth of July.
What are you, some sort of lawyer?
Debate Club.
First place, junior regionals.
It was over before it started.
To Leia, the Mama slayer!
To Leia!
And to Mrs. Zapolski.
My Debate Club coach,
for pushing me so damn hard.
To Mrs. Zapolski!
Wow. Look, Nik, a shooting star.
Make a wish.
That's a firework, babe.
Man, you were such a badass tonight.
I didn't know you had it in you.
Neither did I, but I love this feeling.
I feel free and happy.
Wish I could stay for the summer.
Then stay.
My dad will never let me.
When my parents split up,
the school shrink basically told me
that everything was gonna suck forever,
and I was like, "Nope. Not this girl."
So I went home, bleached my hair
over the washing machine,
cut up my jeans
and decided that this is my life,
and it's never gonna suck.
This is gonna sound so dorky,
but... I'm interested in
us becoming best friends,
so how do we make that happen?
Stay for the summer.
And you can drop the dorky disclaimer.
It's implied.
Oh great.
Now she's missed the fireworks
and the weenies.
Now they're sitting on a plate
all cold and shriveled just like my heart.
Oh, Eric.
The hair thing,
it's still a little weird, Mom.
Know what the worst part is?
I should be treasuring time with Leia.
Instead, I mean,
I... can't wait for it to end.
Oh, sweetie.
It ends when you die.
Leia Tatooine Forman.
- Her middle name is Anne.
- Know what? I never agreed to that.
Where have you been?
Oh my God. Is that beer?
Yeah. And I spilled the rest
coming down the water tower.
The... water tower? What the hell?
Eric, let me handle this.
The water tower? What the hell?
Now, this is my kind of fireworks.
Yes, the water tower.
And I had a great time
and I don't want it to end.
So I know you're not
gonna like me saying this,
but... I want to stay in Point Place
for the summer.
This is my life,
and I'm done letting it suck.
- Leia.
- Yeah, go.
Just unload, baby. Both barrels. Go.
- That took courage. I'm impressed.
- What?!
Th-This is a ridiculous idea.
- Leia.
- Mom, just go, preach.
You are welcome to stay here
if that's what you want.
Oh my God! What's happening?
Kitty.
I guess that's what we want.
Dad, you guys always talk about
the amazing times
you had with your friends.
I want that. I want amazing.
Listen, pal. In the space of one day,
you've gotten pierced, you've gotten beer,
and you've gotten
extremely snippy.
You've turned into someone
that I don't know anymore.
So no. You know what? You can forget it.
I knew you were gonna be like this.
I'm not getting in that car tomorrow!
You can't make me!
Oh, you're getting in that car
or my foot is getting in your ass!
- Oh, Eric.
- So bad.
I have never been prouder.
It's like watching you hit
your first home run.
If you had ever done that.
You okay?
I can't believe it.
I study Star Wars my entire life,
and in my moment of truth,
I turn into my evil father.
I've thought about it.
Leia staying isn't the craziest idea.
Your parents can watch her.
Were you not here with me in the '70s?
They are not the best watchers.
She's a great kid.
Yeah, I know.
We can trust her.
I know.
So what, then?
I just...
I mean, I can't stand this feeling.
She doesn't need me anymore.
I mean, she was my little buddy,
and now she's like
a stranger.
She's not a stranger.
She's just... growing up.
I don't like it.
What? But you're so good
at hiding your emotions.
Eric, it's gonna be okay.
We have our whole lives
because your parents
gave us the space to find each other.
Really?
You lived 20 feet away. I'm pretty sure
we would have found each other.
Hey.
What?
- Oh, what happened to the nose ring?
- It was a magnet.
I sneezed and it went down the drain.
Ah.
Well, I'm... I'm heartbroken.
Back when I was your age,
my friends and I pretty much
lived down in this basement.
We'd kill time, listen to music,
do... other things.
Sitting on those stairs right there
when I fell in love with your mom.
Oh God. Did you do it on those stairs too?
No.
No.
Look, I've been thinking about it, and...
You should stay... for the summer.
- Are you for real?
- Yeah.
If anyone deserves some... amazing,
it's you.
Oh my God, Dad. Thank you.
Sorry I was kind of a jerk.
Well, you were
surprisingly good at it.
But, you know, you're...
You're good at everything.
I'll miss you, pal.
I love you so much, okay?
Are you smelling my hair?
No.
'Cause that would be weird.
Okay.
So just remember
our phone number hasn't changed, okay?
Don't worry, honey. I got it.
Again.
Okay, babe.
My baby boy.
Oh, uh... Mom.
Shh!
I'm listening to your heartbeat.
Look. Okay.
Love you, Le-Le.
Bye, Mom.
Don't worry. We're gonna have fun.
You ever cleaned an oven?
Good luck.
And one more thing, Leia.
This one's... really important.
With your new friends, I want you
to hang out in Grandpa's basement
as much as possible.
No. Uh-uh. No way.
It is the safest place for her.
That's right, Mom. That's so right.
Nicely played, son.
I learned from the best.
Nobody likes an ass-kisser.
I love you too, Dad.
Bye, Mom.
She said "Mom."
I win.
That's why you don't mess with a pro.
Well, I have to make a shopping list.
The kids are gonna want snacks.
Don't feed them, Kitty.
That's how it started the first time.
Hey. Me and my friends
are going up to the lake.
Hold on.
- Who are you?
- I'm Jay.
- Jay Kelso.
- No!
Uh-uh!
No way!
Buuuurn!
Ahh!
See you met my boy here, huh?
Look at this guy. Look at him.
Look, he's got his dad's looks
and his mom's brains.
Straight A's last year.
Sweet Lord, it's evolving.
Hey, you kids. You have fun now, okay?
Oh, and if you jump off that cliff,
do it naked.
Okay? 'Cause when you hit the water
at the right angle,
it's like doing it with a lake.
Hello, Michael.
Hey, girl.
Beautiful!
- Well, that felt... toned and warm.
- Oh.
So, Red,
we need to talk about your granddaughter's
intentions with my boy.
No, I'm just kidding ya.
Come on. Let's hug it out.
What do you think?
Michael, let's go!
Hi, Kitty.
Damn, Jackie, will you just
give me a minute to enjoy this?
Oh my God.
The vein on Red's forehead
is about to explode.
Gross! I don't want old guy blood
all over my wedding outfit.
You're getting married?
Remarried.
- Yeah, it's our second remarriage.
- Mm-hmm.
- This one's gonna stick, right?
- Yeah.
Jackie.
White, honey?
Really?
It's before Labor Day.
And, if people think it's our first time,
we'll get better gifts.
Oh! FYI, we're registered
at Bloomingdale's,
and I will judge.
- Let's go, Michael!
- Oh God!
Well, let's just make the best of it.
I am heading to the market
'cause I'm going to get Fritos,
Tostitos, Doritos. All the "itos."
I am back, baby!
Son of a bitch.
Okay, kids, the basement is all yours.
Lights on, shirts on, and no dancing.
No dancing.
You're like the guy from Footloose.
No dancing, you guys.
Babe, you can fit three of your basements
in this basement.
That sounds like a lot of work, Nik.
Let's just use this basement.
Don't you love all this old furniture?
Yeah, all we need are some throw pillows
and a tetanus shot.
Mrs. Forman, your home is so warm
and inviting.
I mean, I can't wait to spend
all summer inside of it.
What is wrong with you?
Anyway... Okay.
Now, if you kids get bored, I found
some old records and games of your dad's,
and a few magazines
that I don't think he wanted me to see,
but I got rid of them.
They were all redheads.
He sure has a type!
Anyhoo, you guys have fun.
Whoa, this must be from a Nintendo Zero.
No way.
Your grandma just hooked us up.
- No way.
- Hell yeah.
Totally.
What is it?
Best summer ever!
Sign me up!
But seriously, what is it?
One, two, three, four!
It's the summer. Let's have fun.
We should do whatever we want. Right?
Wrong.
- You know what I want?
- Don't say Jay.
Jay.
- You are banned from this house. Get out.
- No!
Donna, it's Kitty!
Your daughter is about to have sex!
Where is she?
Wait, so Dad wasn't as smooth
as he says he was?
Let's just say you're lucky you exist.
Hey, which one of you yelled at my kids?
I don't know which ones are yours,
but they deserved it.
That's Gwen and Nate, and thanks.
I was pregnant with him for ten months.
The doctor said it was okay,
but I don't think it was.
I think you might be having
a reaction to one of my Lip Smackers.
Really?
- I want to come out to your grandmother.
- I have an interview tomorrow.
- Do you have any references?
- Oh, my bosses all loved me.
But they are dead.
I'm gaaaay!
I said, good day.
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
♪ Grooving in the heart ♪
You smell good.
Oh, it is the Hellmann's.
Was that a car door?
That was a car door. I got it. I got it!
I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got it! I got it!
Oh my God. Mom, I didn't even knock.
Mom.
Mom, you're motorboating me.
Dad.
Son.
Hug?
Nah.
Hey, Grandma. Hey, Grandpa.
Leia. My grandbaby.
Hey, kiddo.
Boy, you sure have gotten tall.
Oh, and congratulations.
Those buds are blooming.
Yours... look good too?
Why, I bet you're a holy terror
on the basketball court.
I hear you got your mom's jump shot
and your dad's
last name.
- I'm gonna take a bathroom break.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Just be careful with the faucets.
The water comes out, like, scalding hot.
It's a normal temperature, Eric.
You've just got that sensitive baby skin.
You know,
I am so excited
about this Fourth of July weekend.
We are gonna grill weenies,
watch the fireworks...
I even rented The Little Mermaid.
Oh. Thanks, Mom,
but she's not really into that anymore.
Our little mermaid... got her period.
God, Eric!
Don't worry, honey. I got it.
Hello, Wisconsin!
Who wants a warm snickerdoodle?
I do. It's a little weird
that you're smelling my hair, Mom.
I haven't seen you since Christmas,
so I will smell you however I want,
and you're fine with it.
So, Donna, Eric sent us
the review of your new book.
We read it.
Oh, you read my book?
No, the review.
Thanks, Mrs. F.
Aww...
- I wish you'd call me Mom, you know?
- I know.
Okay.
Someday.
This weekend.
So, Eric, how are things
at the university?
Going great. I'm an adjunct professor now,
which means I got
a permanent parking space
for my bicycle.
That's what happens
when your course is super popular, Dad.
"The Religion of Star Wars"?
Oh yeah.
This country's gonna lose the next war.
Not if it's an intergalactic battle
between good and evil.
Hey, I'm gonna go shoot some hoops.
Hey, Leia, tell your grandparents
what we're doing this summer.
Oh, we're going to...
We're going to Huntsville, Alabama,
for a little father-daughter Space Camp.
Just the two of us... for two weeks.
Houston, permission to have fun, over.
Houston, do you read me, over?
- Permission granted.
- Yeah!
But you... you didn't say "over."
- Mom?
- Okay, Leia, go shoot some baskets.
I don't need you
to see your dad get any nerdier.
Space Camp.
Do you get to put on
a Buck Rogers costume?
Nah. Only if you buy
the Command Module experience.
Which I did!
Leia doesn't seem like she wants to go.
I think she might be
at that age where she needs space.
I'm giving her space... camp.
- Space Camp.
- Eric's having a hard time with Leia.
It's a tough age... 38.
Okay. Okay.
All I know is that I'm going to love her
and stand behind her, no matter what.
That is a great idea.
Because when you stand
behind your kids, it's easier...
To put your foot in their ass.
We got it, Dad. Thanks.
♪ And I'm here ♪
♪ To remind you ♪
♪ Of the mess you left
When you went away ♪
♪ It's not fair ♪
♪ To deny me ♪
♪ Of the cross I bear
That you gave to me ♪
♪ You, you, you oughta know! ♪
Hello.
What are you doing, creeper?
Oh, nothing weird!
I was just standing outside your window
and watching you sing
and wondering
what it would be like to... be you.
I'll go now.
Unless you want to hear
a cool bootleg I got in Chicago.
Oh, I'm listening.
Yeah, it's, uh, pretty major.
Big-time bootleg.
The bootiest of legs.
Just go get it.
On it.
Please be here when I get back.
So this was your mom's old room,
and your dad lived next door?
I bet they boned in here all the time.
Explains a lot.
Sometimes,
late at night,
when everything's quiet,
I can still hear the...
Sorry. I love making people
feel uncomfortable.
You're really good at it.
Anyway, tell me about Chicago.
What are you into?
Me? Uh, a lot of stuff.
School.
School's a big one.
And I'm a pretty big deal in Debate Club.
That's not up for debate.
Yeah, I'm not popular.
Good.
Popular people suck.
Yeah, they really do.
Ooh, this part's dope.
Damn it, Gwen!
Turn that crap down. I'm trying to shave.
Older brother. Different dads. He's cool.
Mostly 'cause he has a van,
and he's fun to mess with.
Watch this.
Seriously, Gwen. I almost nicked my nerps.
This whiny vagina music is bumming me out!
Oh yeah, Nate?
Me and my new friend are gonna
start a band and call it Whiny Vagina.
I'm gonna start a band
and call it That's Stupid.
Nice.
Damn it, Gwen!
I love having the house full again.
It just... It fills me with joy.
And then you leave, and it's sad.
And then winter comes.
And I visit Mom's grave.
And I tell her how much fun it was
when the house was full.
- So can I have the syrup now?
- Oh, of course.
Morning. Bye.
Whoa. What the hell is that thing
in your nose?
Uh, a nose ring?
Your move, baby skin.
- How did this happen?
- Gwen gave it to me.
Oh! Okay, it was Gwen.
Cool. I didn't know it was Gwen.
Question before you leave.
Who is Gwen, and why is she
poking holes in your perfect face?
She lives next door,
which is where I'm going right now.
- Are her parents home?
- No, but her older brother is.
Honey, you're really
not helping your case.
Dad, I'll be 20 feet away.
Okay, you can go, but you have to be
home in time for fireworks.
- Okay?
- I'll try.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
As Master Yoda said...
Why?
As Master Yoda said,
"Do or do not. There is no try."
Master Yoda was a puppet from a fake
world with some guy's hand up his butt.
Now you're just being hurtful.
Ah, teenagers!
I feel for you, son.
But, on the other hand,
payback's a bitch.
Uno.
I think you're only allowed
to drop one card.
Excuse me?
Cool basement.
It's a dump.
No offense.
Ozzie and I met last year in detention.
Tell her what you did.
I told my math teacher
his wife was cheating on him.
She was making out with some dude at IHOP.
- That's horrible.
- I know.
IHOP.
Show some class.
You're not gonna believe what happened.
It's the best thing ever!
That's what you said
when the McRib came back.
I thought it was gone forever, Nik.
Aww! You were scared?
Oh, babe.
Hey, new girl.
Hey, boy.
Man...?
I don't know how
the whole puberty thing is going for you.
Probably great.
Leia, this is Jay.
Please place all your zippers and buttons
in their upright and locked positions.
Hey, not cool, Gwen. I'm just doing
a little get-to-know-you chitchat.
So,
are you spiritual?
I am.
You're making a face.
But that would have worked on me.
Can I tell my awesome story now?
So we were just chilling in my van.
- Why does he always get to sit in front?
- I called shotgun.
- But I'm your girlfriend.
- Yeah, but he's my best friend.
- Bro.
- Bro.
Bro.
Bro.
Oh my God. I turned down a senior for you.
I'm sorry, babe,
but you're both important to me.
But Jay's had my back
for the past 12 years,
and you've had my front
for the last six months. I can't choose.
Hey. Are you here to pick up the keg
from Mama's Discount Liquors?
- Yes.
- Yes.
And you prepaid, right?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Sweet.
Happy Fourth.
- Bro!
- Bro!
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro. Bro!
- Bro. Bro!
- Bro!
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro.
They were like this the whole ride.
Come on, babe.
It's a Fourth of July miracle.
With beer!
Why are we still talking?
Let's tap that keg and get stupid!
- Yeah.
- Oh no.
We don't have a tap.
And, without a tap,
the beer is... is trapped.
- Would a kiss make it better?
- Not unless you have a mouth full of beer.
- Do you?
- No, I don't.
This feels weird.
Very different.
Well, I'm having fun.
Why is it so smoky?
Oh God, the popcorn!
Enjoying yourselves, kids?
You're upstairs people now.
I knew it would happen.
Just not this soon.
Quit worrying, Eric. Leia will be fine.
So now you can tell the future?
Where were you when I bought
those slippery brown shoes?
I couldn't get up the ramp at the airport.
Okay, Eric.
No more Zima for you.
Yeah, you're right. I'm... I'm flying.
I saved most of it.
Ah. Thanks, Mom.
"Mom."
You see how easy it is, Donna?
Can't you just say it?
Nah. Feels forced.
Come on, Mom, just drop it.
Nah.
Feels forced.
Kids versus beer.
It's a tale as old as time.
It happened to our parents
and our parents' parents.
The kids on the Mayflower.
Ozzie. You're killing me, man.
I'm trying to think here.
I know. I can smell it.
Wait, why can't we just
go back to Mama's and get a tap?
We've all tried to buy from her,
but she's tough.
I mean, I even hit her with the,
"Hey, girl."
Nothing.
- What if we get a laser?
- We're not getting a laser.
Well, I guess that's it.
We tried everything.
You said one idea, and it was stupid.
You're stupid!
You're all stupid!
You hate beer and you hate America.
- Baby?
- Yeah?
Are you feeling frustrated?
Yeah.
- Is this why you're lashing out at others?
- Yeah.
How about tomorrow we go into the woods,
and I watch you do karate on a tree?
- I'd really like that.
- Oh.
Are you dill weeds finished?
Leia, you should buy the tap.
Mama doesn't know you.
Oh yeah. You totally could.
Plus, your eyes are crazy pretty,
which won't really help get the tap,
but it's something I noticed.
Hey, girl.
Leia, it would be so badass.
I guess I have done
some pretty crazy things.
One time at the beach,
a seagull stole my sandwich,
and, under my breath,
I... called her "bitch."
You know what? I'm in.
All right. New girl is sick.
- To the van!
- Pause.
This isn't gonna work.
I'm pretty sure OshKosh B'gosh here
is gonna get carded.
Good point.
I have an idea.
You sure you want to be drinking
in your condition, hon?
Oh, it's...
It's for my husband.
He... He got a keg for the baby shower.
Oh, fancy.
- That'll be $39.50.
- Okay.
I'm no lady doctor, but I think
something's wrong with the baby.
Nice try.
I'm sick of you kids.
I'm calling the cops.
Put the phone down, Mama.
Shut up.
Fine, but when the cops get here,
how are you gonna explain to them
why you gave a keg to a bunch of kids?
It wasn't me. It was Wade.
Mama!
Either way, you lose your liquor license.
So put the phone down, sell me the tap,
and we all have a nice Fourth of July.
What are you, some sort of lawyer?
Debate Club.
First place, junior regionals.
It was over before it started.
To Leia, the Mama slayer!
To Leia!
And to Mrs. Zapolski.
My Debate Club coach,
for pushing me so damn hard.
To Mrs. Zapolski!
Wow. Look, Nik, a shooting star.
Make a wish.
That's a firework, babe.
Man, you were such a badass tonight.
I didn't know you had it in you.
Neither did I, but I love this feeling.
I feel free and happy.
Wish I could stay for the summer.
Then stay.
My dad will never let me.
When my parents split up,
the school shrink basically told me
that everything was gonna suck forever,
and I was like, "Nope. Not this girl."
So I went home, bleached my hair
over the washing machine,
cut up my jeans
and decided that this is my life,
and it's never gonna suck.
This is gonna sound so dorky,
but... I'm interested in
us becoming best friends,
so how do we make that happen?
Stay for the summer.
And you can drop the dorky disclaimer.
It's implied.
Oh great.
Now she's missed the fireworks
and the weenies.
Now they're sitting on a plate
all cold and shriveled just like my heart.
Oh, Eric.
The hair thing,
it's still a little weird, Mom.
Know what the worst part is?
I should be treasuring time with Leia.
Instead, I mean,
I... can't wait for it to end.
Oh, sweetie.
It ends when you die.
Leia Tatooine Forman.
- Her middle name is Anne.
- Know what? I never agreed to that.
Where have you been?
Oh my God. Is that beer?
Yeah. And I spilled the rest
coming down the water tower.
The... water tower? What the hell?
Eric, let me handle this.
The water tower? What the hell?
Now, this is my kind of fireworks.
Yes, the water tower.
And I had a great time
and I don't want it to end.
So I know you're not
gonna like me saying this,
but... I want to stay in Point Place
for the summer.
This is my life,
and I'm done letting it suck.
- Leia.
- Yeah, go.
Just unload, baby. Both barrels. Go.
- That took courage. I'm impressed.
- What?!
Th-This is a ridiculous idea.
- Leia.
- Mom, just go, preach.
You are welcome to stay here
if that's what you want.
Oh my God! What's happening?
Kitty.
I guess that's what we want.
Dad, you guys always talk about
the amazing times
you had with your friends.
I want that. I want amazing.
Listen, pal. In the space of one day,
you've gotten pierced, you've gotten beer,
and you've gotten
extremely snippy.
You've turned into someone
that I don't know anymore.
So no. You know what? You can forget it.
I knew you were gonna be like this.
I'm not getting in that car tomorrow!
You can't make me!
Oh, you're getting in that car
or my foot is getting in your ass!
- Oh, Eric.
- So bad.
I have never been prouder.
It's like watching you hit
your first home run.
If you had ever done that.
You okay?
I can't believe it.
I study Star Wars my entire life,
and in my moment of truth,
I turn into my evil father.
I've thought about it.
Leia staying isn't the craziest idea.
Your parents can watch her.
Were you not here with me in the '70s?
They are not the best watchers.
She's a great kid.
Yeah, I know.
We can trust her.
I know.
So what, then?
I just...
I mean, I can't stand this feeling.
She doesn't need me anymore.
I mean, she was my little buddy,
and now she's like
a stranger.
She's not a stranger.
She's just... growing up.
I don't like it.
What? But you're so good
at hiding your emotions.
Eric, it's gonna be okay.
We have our whole lives
because your parents
gave us the space to find each other.
Really?
You lived 20 feet away. I'm pretty sure
we would have found each other.
Hey.
What?
- Oh, what happened to the nose ring?
- It was a magnet.
I sneezed and it went down the drain.
Ah.
Well, I'm... I'm heartbroken.
Back when I was your age,
my friends and I pretty much
lived down in this basement.
We'd kill time, listen to music,
do... other things.
Sitting on those stairs right there
when I fell in love with your mom.
Oh God. Did you do it on those stairs too?
No.
No.
Look, I've been thinking about it, and...
You should stay... for the summer.
- Are you for real?
- Yeah.
If anyone deserves some... amazing,
it's you.
Oh my God, Dad. Thank you.
Sorry I was kind of a jerk.
Well, you were
surprisingly good at it.
But, you know, you're...
You're good at everything.
I'll miss you, pal.
I love you so much, okay?
Are you smelling my hair?
No.
'Cause that would be weird.
Okay.
So just remember
our phone number hasn't changed, okay?
Don't worry, honey. I got it.
Again.
Okay, babe.
My baby boy.
Oh, uh... Mom.
Shh!
I'm listening to your heartbeat.
Look. Okay.
Love you, Le-Le.
Bye, Mom.
Don't worry. We're gonna have fun.
You ever cleaned an oven?
Good luck.
And one more thing, Leia.
This one's... really important.
With your new friends, I want you
to hang out in Grandpa's basement
as much as possible.
No. Uh-uh. No way.
It is the safest place for her.
That's right, Mom. That's so right.
Nicely played, son.
I learned from the best.
Nobody likes an ass-kisser.
I love you too, Dad.
Bye, Mom.
She said "Mom."
I win.
That's why you don't mess with a pro.
Well, I have to make a shopping list.
The kids are gonna want snacks.
Don't feed them, Kitty.
That's how it started the first time.
Hey. Me and my friends
are going up to the lake.
Hold on.
- Who are you?
- I'm Jay.
- Jay Kelso.
- No!
Uh-uh!
No way!
Buuuurn!
Ahh!
See you met my boy here, huh?
Look at this guy. Look at him.
Look, he's got his dad's looks
and his mom's brains.
Straight A's last year.
Sweet Lord, it's evolving.
Hey, you kids. You have fun now, okay?
Oh, and if you jump off that cliff,
do it naked.
Okay? 'Cause when you hit the water
at the right angle,
it's like doing it with a lake.
Hello, Michael.
Hey, girl.
Beautiful!
- Well, that felt... toned and warm.
- Oh.
So, Red,
we need to talk about your granddaughter's
intentions with my boy.
No, I'm just kidding ya.
Come on. Let's hug it out.
What do you think?
Michael, let's go!
Hi, Kitty.
Damn, Jackie, will you just
give me a minute to enjoy this?
Oh my God.
The vein on Red's forehead
is about to explode.
Gross! I don't want old guy blood
all over my wedding outfit.
You're getting married?
Remarried.
- Yeah, it's our second remarriage.
- Mm-hmm.
- This one's gonna stick, right?
- Yeah.
Jackie.
White, honey?
Really?
It's before Labor Day.
And, if people think it's our first time,
we'll get better gifts.
Oh! FYI, we're registered
at Bloomingdale's,
and I will judge.
- Let's go, Michael!
- Oh God!
Well, let's just make the best of it.
I am heading to the market
'cause I'm going to get Fritos,
Tostitos, Doritos. All the "itos."
I am back, baby!
Son of a bitch.
Okay, kids, the basement is all yours.
Lights on, shirts on, and no dancing.
No dancing.
You're like the guy from Footloose.
No dancing, you guys.
Babe, you can fit three of your basements
in this basement.
That sounds like a lot of work, Nik.
Let's just use this basement.
Don't you love all this old furniture?
Yeah, all we need are some throw pillows
and a tetanus shot.
Mrs. Forman, your home is so warm
and inviting.
I mean, I can't wait to spend
all summer inside of it.
What is wrong with you?
Anyway... Okay.
Now, if you kids get bored, I found
some old records and games of your dad's,
and a few magazines
that I don't think he wanted me to see,
but I got rid of them.
They were all redheads.
He sure has a type!
Anyhoo, you guys have fun.
Whoa, this must be from a Nintendo Zero.
No way.
Your grandma just hooked us up.
- No way.
- Hell yeah.
Totally.
What is it?
Best summer ever!
Sign me up!
But seriously, what is it?
One, two, three, four!
It's the summer. Let's have fun.
We should do whatever we want. Right?
Wrong.
- You know what I want?
- Don't say Jay.
Jay.
- You are banned from this house. Get out.
- No!
Donna, it's Kitty!
Your daughter is about to have sex!
Where is she?
Wait, so Dad wasn't as smooth
as he says he was?
Let's just say you're lucky you exist.
Hey, which one of you yelled at my kids?
I don't know which ones are yours,
but they deserved it.
That's Gwen and Nate, and thanks.
I was pregnant with him for ten months.
The doctor said it was okay,
but I don't think it was.
I think you might be having
a reaction to one of my Lip Smackers.
Really?
- I want to come out to your grandmother.
- I have an interview tomorrow.
- Do you have any references?
- Oh, my bosses all loved me.
But they are dead.
I'm gaaaay!
I said, good day.