That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 24 - Immigrant Song - full transcript

Okay, Eric.
Get a good look at me in my uniform.

Because today-
It's my last day wearing it.

What? No. No!

Ah! We never got to do
the trampoline thing.

Hey, I'm done with Catholic school.

And my dad fixed it so I can graduate
at Point Place with you guys.

My best memories
are under that skirt.

Hey, Mom? Where's Daddy?
I need $20.

- For what?
- In an effort to clean up my act...

I'm buying my own drinks now.

Well, he's not home.



When Eric told him about his little plan
to move away with Donna after graduation...

your father went fishing.

- What?
- No!

What the big deal?
You guys are really freakin' me out.

My dad only goes fishing
when he's, like, super-pissed.

I think something about stabbing a worm
over and over again with a hook is, like...

um, therapeutic for him.

Yeah. He fished for three whole days
when he found out about me and the mayor.

- What?
- Eric's moving away!

That's right.
And that's why your father's angry.

This is your way of acting grown up?

Grown-ups don't just leave
the comfort of their parents' home to-

to move to a new city
and start a life?

Well, maybe not in the 1930s-



'40s-

God, you're so young.

Well, I think this is nuts.
Don't you just think this is nuts?

- The whole thing is just-just nuts!
- [Utensils Clattering]

Mom, I kinda think
you're the one who's being-

Oh, if you say I'm nuts, you're going
right through that sliding door.

I don't enjoy telling you this...

but you just wait
until your father gets home.

All right. I did enjoy that.

This is all your fault.

Yeah.
Hey, Laurie, uh, quick impression:

Who am I? "Hey, Eric, why don't you tell Dad
you're moving after graduation...

so he'll kill you and I can reclaim
my rightful place as the chosen one?"

[Mouths Word]

Eric, you don't understand.
This time I actually meant well.

That's what you said at the county fair after
you locked me in the Porta-Potty with a goat.

- He was friendly.
- He was horny!

- Hey, Jackie.
- [Groans]

- Michael, what do you want?
- I think the question is, what do you want?

And I'm pretty sure
the answer is pink jelly beans.

Now, they used to be pink and white
jelly beans, but I ate all the white ones...

'cause I know you don't like things
that taste white.

Okay. Look. Michael, just because
Steven and I broke up...

does not mean I want you
throwing yourself at me.

Whoa. Jackie,
this is the new and improved Michael.

Okay? I'm not throwing anything at you
except for happy thoughts and jelly beans.

Like, sex is, like,
the furthest thing from my mind.

So-
[Sighs]

It's really over
between you two, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I think it is.

- So why do we still have clothes on?
- Oh, God. Michael, get out!

Oh, Jackie, I'm talking about
our emotional clothes.

Okay, look, I know I've made mistakes
in the past, okay?

But I've changed, and I just want you
to get to know the new me.

Yeah, the new you, huh?
What does the new you cheat with-

every skank who throws her fat,
furry butt at you?

Jackie, no one I ever cheated with
had a fat, furry butt!

If anything,
it was one or the other.

But look, all that is over, okay?
It's finito, the end-o.

- I don't believe you.
- Well, it's the truth.

Okay. Fine. Michael, whatever.

- Okay? Let's just see how things go from here.
- Great. Let's get naked.

- Oh! Michael!
- No, like, friendly naked- like two girls in a sauna.

[Chuckling]
You are such a freak.

Okay, look, just-At least take a jelly bean? Okay?
I bought 'em just for you.

Well, that was very sweet.

There you are. Give me back my jelly beans,
you son of a bitch!

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, now cross
and uncross your legs.

Um-

Hmm-

Hmm, okay,
now make a face like-

like, "Oops,
did I do something bad?"

[Shutter Clicking]

Okay, now-now crawl to me.
Good. Good.

Now crawl away from me.
Ooh, sexy.

Come on, Donna. Throw him a bone, huh?
There's only so much satisfaction...

the kid can get from the back
of a panty hose package.

Yes, Donna. I have a lot to do.
After this...

I have to get Lindsay Wolfe
to sign my yearbook...

then show her that she's actually signed
a pledge to do it with me three times.

Why three?

Well, because the first time
I'll be nervous...

and then the second time I'll have to
please her because I got nervous.

But then the third time-
the third time is when I get funky.

- Jackie-
- No, no. Steven, I'm not here to see you.

Okay? I'm just here to see Donna.

Look, I told you I'm sorry, and I made a mistake.
Can we just talk, please?

Talk about what? You cheated on me.
Okay? It's over. I feel nothing.

Ooh, bitchy.

You know what? Donna,
I'll just see you next door.

- [Clatters]
- Ouch!
- Are you okay?

Fez!

Panties! Panties!

- [Strains]
- Ah.

The sacred senior prank
where we vandalize the water tower.

I've been waiting
for this moment since...

well, the last time
we vandalized the water tower.

So, Hyde...

gaveJackie some jelly beans today.

- Who cares?
- Yeah, well, you should, because they were pink...

and that is the bean of love.

And I got her that particular bean
because I never stopped loving her.

Yeah, well, you stopped long enough to cheat
on her with Pam Macy, Laurie and Annette.

- Who else am I forgetting?
- [Chortles] There were many others.

But you cheated on her with a nurse.

It was a misunderstanding
that you caused.

- That's it. Let's go.
- Oh, yeah? I'm ready.

I hope you got that nurse's number.
You're gonna need it when I'm done.

Hey, stop it. Stop it.

You two need to grow up and start
painting genitals on the water tower.

- Fine. I'll be over here.
- Fine. I'll be over here.

Well, since I have never seen another man's
genitals, I'll have to paint my own.

In that case, I'll need more paint.
[Laughs]

And a bigger tower.
[Laughs]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Kelso, what are you writing?

- "Michael plus Jackie."
- I'm kickin' your ass!

Ah, you can't kick my ass from down there.
All you can do is punch my ass.

- Hey, get down!
- Just face the fact, Hyde.

You're down there and I'm up here,
and I am invincible.

[Branches Snapping]

- [Body Crashes Into Shrubbery]
- Kelso, are you okay?

I think I fell!

- I'm gonna go check on him.
- Okay.

Okay, I think he'll be fine.

Now, let's see.
Where do I begin?

I want it to look like
it's coming right at me.

[Siren Blares]

[Man On P.A.]
This is the Point Place Police Department.

You're under arrest!

Um, I am a painter
from a foreign country...

and this is my gift to America.

Get off the water tower!

People of America...

I give you Genitals in the Sky.

[Vehicle Approaching]

- [Brakes Squeak]
- You hear that?

- [Engine Stops]
- Sounded like your dad's car.

- [Door Opens]
- Run for it.

No, you don't. You made your bed.
Now you have to lie in it.

Oh, who am I kidding?
You never make your bed.

Eric, wait. Listen. If you leave now,
you'll never get back in.

- That means good-bye to your clothes,
your furniture-
- [Gasps]

My G.I. Joes.

We stay.

Everybody in the living room.

[Inhales, Singsongy]
You're gonna get it. You're gonna get it.

Lay it on him, Red.

[Sighs] While I was fishing,
I had a lotta time to think.

- That's right.
- And all that thinking made me very angry.

Very angry.

And the fish that were unlucky enough
to cross my path-

Well, you know how they say
that fish can't feel pain?

That's a load of crap.

A big load.

And I finally came to a conclusion...

that someone in this room
is not going to like.

That's you, porky mouth.

Eric...

- I'm proud of you.
- And that goes double for-
What the hell did you say?

I did everything I could to stop you
from getting married...

but you stuck to your guns.

And I admire that you're willing
to go out on your own.

You're a man now,
and you have my blessing.

This is like The Godfather.

I think you have to kiss his ring.

How can you just give in
and let Eric leave home?

He has defied you over and over. He's a-
a lying, cheating, conniving liar...

and I won't let you send
my precious baby boy away.

Kitty, my mind is made up.

And, Eric, we're gonna pay
for your college too.

Really?

Dad, I-I don't know
what to say to you, except...

you're great!

That's all right, Son.
We don't do that here.

Okay. Well. Well, this is nice.

Since we're all happy,
Eric doesn't have to leave three months early.

He can go to school in the fall
like everyone else.

We can take a pottery class!

No, Kitty, he's leaving:

No pottery class,
no mother-son dancing lessons...

no trying out for Family Feud.

But this deal is only good if you stay focused.
If you do something stupid-

like get Donna pregnant-
you're on your own.

Then I guess this is a bad time
to give you the news.

I'm kidding!
I'm just so giddy!

- So it's just a sprain, huh?
- Yeah, it doesn't hurt too bad.

[Door Closes]

I guess the best part is I've now fallen off
the water tower in every grade.

That record will stand
until your son goes to school.

- Thanks for drivin' me to the hospital, man.
- Oh, whatever.

No. Not "whatever."

I mean, look. You drove me
because we've been buds forever.

L- It's like, why are we fightin'
over a girl, man?

Remember in third grade
when we were both in love with Miss Hamill...

and we fought over her?

And then after you pulled my head out of the toilet,
and I let go of your bean bags...

we made a pact
to never fight over a girl again.

You know, you're right, man.

I mean, neither of us
has a shot with Jackie anyway.

- So I'm steppin' back.
- No. No, no. You go for it. I'll step back.

No, I'm serious.
Door's open for you.

No, I'm serious.
The door is open for you.

- I just closed the door for me!
- Well, I'm closin' the door for me...

and I'm lockin' myself inside,
and I'm swallowin' the key!

Fine. We're both done with her.
You're my bud.

You're my bud.
Aah!

I was wondering if that would work,
and it did.

- [Gasps] Steven! Are you okay?
- Why?

Well, I heard someone fell off the water tower,
and I thought it could be you. L-

- No, it was Kelso.
- [Exhales]

Wait. You came down here,
'cause you were worried about me.

No, I didn't.

'Cause you still care about me.

Uh-uh.

- So I still have a shot with you.
- No. No, you don't.

I mean, okay. I don't know.

Steven, stop staring at me,
or I'll kick you.

Ah!

Jackie, hope you didn't come here
to make love to me.

- No, Michael. L-
- 'Cause I'm fine.

All I need is my buddy Hyde.

And no chick
is gonna come between us anymore.

- Right, Hyde?
- Uh-h-h, yeah.

Yeah. Let's go, buddy Hyde.
Aah!

Look at all the apartments
they have in Madison.

- This place even pays utilities.
- Oh, cool.

What are utilities?

- I think it's, like, gas and water.
- Free water?

Um, you know what that means?

Free ice.

What are you two doing?

Oh, we're lookin'
for apartments in Madison.

I can't believe it.
It's like we leave in less than a week.

Are you trying to kill me?
Because that's what you're doing.

You're killing your mother.
You only get one, ya know.

Eric, this place
has a washer and dryer.

Wait. A washer and free water?

- Oh, my God, it's like there's no reason
to ever come home.
- I know.

[Laughs, Stops]
Excuse me.

Washer and dryer, Red.
They are going to have a washer and dryer.

That redheaded harlot is gonna be
Shouting out my baby's grass stains!

What about my last summer
with my youngest child?

I bet you weren't thinkin' about that
when you went fishing.

I bought sparklers for the Fourth ofJuly.
He loves sparklers...

and now he's leaving,
and what are we gonna do for the Fourth ofJuly?

Uh-h-h,
there's a car show in Kenosha.

A car show?

I don't want to go to a- [Bleeps] car show
in- [Bleeps] Kenosha.

I want three more- [Bleeps] months
with my baby boy...

and now they're gone
because of your bull- [Bleeps]

Way to go, dumb-ass!

Ah, it feels good to be back!

Just Kelso and Hyde. No chick can come
between us. All right. So what do ya wanna do?

We can play air hockey,
give Fez a wedgie, uh-

Oh, my brother just got a new stereo.
We can throw it off an overpass.

Actually, I changed my mind.
I'm gonna getJackie back.

What? No way.
What about our third-grade pact?

We also made a pact to invent
a formula for invisibility.

- Well, that fell through too.
- Well, because you gave up.

Look, Kelso. I never felt this way
about a girl before, okay?

And that pretty much beats our third-grade pact.
I'm sorry, but I wanna be with her.

Well, at the hospital,
you said that I could have her.

That was when I didn't think
I still had a shot with her.

Your- For your information,
I still have a shot with her.

She accepted my jelly beans.

I don't know what that means,
but you can't have her. You closed the door.

Yeah? Well, now I'm closin' the door on you,
and once again, I'm swallowin' the key.

And you're locked inside,
and I'm gettin'Jackie back.

Well, you're gonna lose.
Heh-heh.

Yeah? Well, if by "lose" you mean "win,"
then you're right.

I am gonna lose.
[Chortles]

Well, thanks a lot for getting me
at the police station, you two sons of two bitches!

Fez, what happened?

Well, I got arrested.
And they did a background check...

and found out that my student visa
expires when I graduate from high school.

- What?
- Yeah, and now I have to leave the country
after graduation.

That's in a week.
And I have to relearn my native language.

- Good day.
- No, but Fez-

[Speaking Foreign Language]

Way to go. If you hadn't fallen off the water tower,
we could've helped him out.

Aah!

Aa-aa-aah!

They should've x-rayed your head
at the hospital.

They did.

And for your information,
they found nothing.

Hmm.

I can't believe our little Fez
is gonna be deported.

God, I wish there was
something we could do.

Maybe I could talk to the mayor.
He owes me one.

Eric, we can't let this happen.

If Fez goes back to his country
with those pictures he took...

my panties are gonna
end up on a stamp.

Pop-Tarts?
Where's Mom?

She went fishin'.
Shut up and eat.

Dear President Jimmy Carter.
The following is a list of reasons...

why I, Fez, should be allowed to stay
in your great country.

Number one: I have never
gone number one on your beautiful soil.

Number two: I have never
gone number two on your-

Wait. Scratch that.

Number two: "Fez" is also a word for a hat.
Uncle Sam wears a hat.

Coincidence?
[Chuckles] Yes.

Three, where else am I going to live? France?
[Scoffs]

[Bleeps] France.