That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 20 - Holy Craps - full transcript

So, everyone
enjoying dinner?

Good.

Now, um, I want to talk to everyone about
helping me with the church fund-raiser.

Freeze.

Okay, so...

God's Magic Circle is our
church's women's auxiliary...

and I volunteered to help
organize their next fund-raiser.

And bravo, I say.
Bra... vo.

Now, if you'll please excuse me,
I have to attend a meeting.

It's, uh... It's
very important, so...

Okay.



Now, as you all know, um,
I'm stuck in a rut.

And, um, I'd really...

I-I just need to get out of the house
and-and experience new things.

- But, Mom, I think you should...
- And I want your support...

which, by the way,
I always give you...

Mr. "I want to be a jazz guitarist."

Eric, if your mother wants you...

and Archie and Jughead here
to help her...

then you're going to help her.

- You're Jughead.
- You're Jughead.

- You're so Jughead, it's not even debatable.
- You are so... Ow!

Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

- See?
- Hey.

This is important to her...



and we should
support her for this.

So you guys'll help out.

Well, thank you, Red.
And you're coming too.

Oh, no, Kitty. I, uh...
I have a meeting.

With you... at church.

- Nice save, Dad.
- Shut up.

No, see, Fez, Bazooka Joe
wanted to see time fly...

so Mort threw the clock
out the window.

So time flew. Get it?

Did the clock break?

I don't know.
That's not really the point.

It's still a pretty big
waste of a clock.

Okay. Well, I gotta go.

- See you later, sweetie.
- See you.

You guys
are such a cute couple.

- Yeah, I know. I really like Caroline.
- Me too. She's nice.

For a psycho.

Hyde, take that back.

Psycho.

You are a gifted mime.

But that hurts.

Hyde, Caroline's not a psycho.
You just don't get women.

We have emotions. We're ruled
by the moon and the tides.

And pretty clothes.

Yeah, we should hang out with her,
you know, make her feel welcome.

Yeah, you can never have
too many friends.

Sometimes you feel like a nut;
sometimes you don't.

Hey, you guys,
you know who was crazy?

This camp counselor I once had who
used to make everyone do turbo sit-ups.

But he'd put a towel over your face,
and then when you went to do the sit-up...

He'd pull the towel away, and you'd
have to put your face in his butt.

Donna, you stole the funny part.

Well, Eric, I've heard it like eight times.

Okay, I'm sorry.
Tell the story again.

I'll laugh.

But it'll be fake though, right?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, guys, I once had this camp counselor...

Oh, my God, you guys.
The Petersons just got a new dog.

Let's go!

Okay, now, I have
work assignments for everyone.

- Red, you're selling raffle tickets.
- I'm your man.

And don't yell at the customers.

I'm kinda your man.

- And smile.
- You need another man.

Okay, Michael, Steven,
you're in charge of bingo.

And, Eric, I thought
you could run the cakewalk.

Sure. What's cakewalk?

It's cake and walking.

What are you, on dope?

So, uh, Pastor Dave,
what do you think?

Gosh, Kitty, I'm impressed.

I can't remember the last time a God's Magic
Circle fund-raiser looked so gosh darn wonderful.

Hiya, gang.

Hi, Pastor Dave.

Say, God's Magic Circle... That sounds
like an Eric Clapton song, doesn't it, kids?

Yes, Pastor Dave.

Rock on, kids.

Rock on, Pastor Dave.

Come on, string bean.
Will you stop the record already?

Hey, I'm in charge.
I'll stop it when I'm good and ready.

And that's not because of you.
It's just 'cause I was ready.

Okay, congratulations, Ed.
You win a chocolate cake.

But I'm allergic to chocolate.

Then why are you
in the cakewalk, Ed?

I thought this was the line
for the bathroom.

Now, don't you screw this up.
I want that marmalade cake.

Sure, yeah, all right, pumpkin.
I was just talking to this guy over here...

Oh, just forget it. You're gonna
screw it up. You always do.

Just go stand over there.

All right, my turtle dove.
Right over here.

For the love of God,
let my wife win the cake.

Well, it's in the hands
of the Lord now, sir.

Okay, everyone, get ready
for another exciting round of cakewalk.

Would you believe she
was once the sweetest...

most beautiful girl in high school?

Of course she was.

A word of advice, kid.

Never marry your
high school sweetheart.

Why not?

Oh, that's it, Glen.
Just keep slouching.

- You're not mousy enough.
- That's why.

Hot as a pistol!

Boy, did I take these jerks
to the cleaners!

Hey! That's a craps table.

Yep. Except here it's called "cripes."

Would you like to be
the next holy roller?

Are you kidding? Next to prayer,
craps is my favorite thing about church.

Well, enjoy yourself. I gotta
go check out the Last Supper bake sale.

Free cupcakes for anyone
who doesn't deny the Lord!

We gotta win
the Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

These are the most
technologically advanced...

of all the plastic,
spring-loaded boxing robots.

Who knows?
Maybe we'll get lucky.

Or... we could cheat.

Kelso, man, you're willing to cheat?

Here in the house of the Lord?

You're coming along nicely.

Yeah, I mean, it's not that bad.

Because technically
we're only in the basement of the Lord.

And I'll bet
he never comes down here.

Yeah, good point.

Plus what old lady wants
Rock'em Sock'em Robots...

or a box of Pop Rocks
or a SuperBall?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
they could hurt themselves.

You give the elderly Pop Rocks,
and they could get all foamy and stroke out.

- So we're helping.
- We're helping.

B-7.

Bingo!

Gosh, that's lucky.

- That's Donna.
- Oh, look at that. A carrot top, huh?

Ah, that's great, kid.
Just great.

You know,
I was a lot like you...

a milky-white loser
with a cheap haircut...

and less muscle tone
than a canned ham.

Okay, first of all, Glen...

I'm wiry, okay?

Yeah, I was dating
the hottest looking girl in the school.

Thought I had it made.

- So what happened?
- I don't know really.

One day we just realized
that she had heard all of my stories...

and I had heard all of her stories...

and, well, that's when she stopped
being nice and started eating.

Oh, God, Donna eats.

Better watch it there, kid.
It starts small.

A few wise-ass comments, and then they're
puttin' you down in front of your friends.

Donna, you stole the funny part.

Well, Eric, I've heard it like eight times.

Then before you know it,
you're praying for death.

Either hers or yours.

Either way, at least it's quiet.

You really
brought me down, man.

Yeah.
Yeah, I do that.

You guys are so much fun
to hang out with.

We really are.

So what does Cosmo say
about me? I'm a Gemini.

Um, okay, the twins.

Two people trapped in one body.
So you're like a split personality.

If you ever say that again,
I'll kill you.

I'm kidding.

You guys, I'm psycho,
remember? Whoo-hoo!

Wow, that was...
that was really good.

I almost wet myself.

All right. All right.
Enough small talk.

- So, is Fez, like, an amazing kisser?
- Jackie, don't make me blush.

No, she's only asking because when she
kissed him, he did this thing with his tongue.

- You kissed Fez?
- Oh, my God. It was so nothing. He had this stupid crush on me.

Shut up!

If either of you
ever touch my boyfriend...

I will hunt you down like animals.

Understand?

You're kidding, right?

You're kidding, right!

I'll scratch your big,
dumb eyes out! Got it?

Oh, my God.

I know.
Her nails are beautiful.

I just wanted to thank you once again
for doing such a wonderful job, Kitty.

Well, I'll tell you, Pastor Dave...

it feels so good to get out of the house
and do something important.

You know who else got out of the house
and did something important? Jesus.

And lucky for us he did.

Are you all right?

Well, I ran out of underwear,
and I'm wearing my swimsuit, and, uh...

I've said too much.

Eric?

I'm the richest man in church!

Fellas, these dice like me.

Whoa! Oh, yeah!

B-I-N-G-O!

And that spells losers. Losers.

Damn it!

Never marry your high school sweetheart.

- Oh, hey, did I tell you...
- Heard it!

Who ate the last doughnut?

I did.

Son of a bitch.

You ate the first 11!

Oh, shut up!

No, I won't.
I weigh 80 pounds.

Look at you!
Do you know why I'm bald?

My body is eating its own hair!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, Diamond Jim, come here.

How's the abandoned raffle going?

Kitty, I'm on fire.

I just rolled four
hard eights in a row!

God is bending the laws
of probability just for me.

Hey. We won everything.

Yeah, we're just
supernaturally lucky.

Hey, Mom, I got
some bad, bad news for you.

For every one doughnut I get,
Donna gets 11.

Storm's a-brewin'.

Eric, how could you leave the cakewalk?
Just look at those people.

- Kitty, how's everything going?
- Just great. Everything's great.

You kids buy a raffle ticket?
Third prize is a rock and roll record.

John Denver's Greatest Hits.
He fills up your senses.

I ask for one day of help,
and this is what I get?

Um, yeah.

Oh, wonderful.

I started out in-in God's Magic Circle...

and ended up in Satan's Evil Square.

I can't believe any of you can walk
into a church without bursting into flames.

- Kitty, we're...
- Okay, you know what? Just forget it. Just go.

And please leave your ill-gotten gains.

I won them. They're mine.

- Hi, Mom. We're sorry.
- Very sorry.

- Welcome home.
- I love you so much.

Okay, you know what?
Just stop.

- I'm not mad at you.
- You're not?

No. On my way home,
while dreaming...

about being married to someone else
and having his children...

I, um... I realized
that this is all my fault.

All right!

Hold on.
This may be a trap.

No. I shouldn't have forced
you to come with me...

when what I really wanted was just...
just to do something for myself.

Look, Kitty, I'm sorry.

And if there's anything
that you wanna do from now on...

you should go and do it
if it makes you happy.

And we'll support you
by... not going with you.

Would that be good?

Yes. Thank you, Red.

Good. You're welcome.

Wow. You and Mom.

You were... You were fighting,
and then you just made up.

And you guys have been married
for like a million years.

It fills my heart with hope.

That's it.
You're going in the army.

She was scary.

Really scary.

Okay, Exorcist scary.

Fez, you have to break up with her.

Okay, you two are overreacting.

She is a little loony,
but she wouldn't hurt you.

Hey.

Hello, my sweet girlfriend.

We've been over this!

Caroline!

Touch Fez and die!

- Stop it! These are my friends!
- Oh, really?

Did they shoplift 30 dollars' worth
of indelible ink markers...

and write your name
on every inch of their room?

Every inch! Did they?

Um, did you guys do that?

- No.
- No.

Well, there you have it.

Um, Caroline,
I have to break up with you.

Why? And don't say it's because
I'm crazy. Because I'm not crazy.

Oh, no. Oh... Oh, no.

Of cour... Of course not.
It's just, um... It's just, um...

- Donna and I are in love.
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- Ewww!

Yes, we are freaky for each other.

Please tell her. Please.

What if she tries to kill me?

You're a giant.
You can take her.

Oh, my God. You're really
breaking up with me?

Is that okay?

Fez, I just want to say...

that you will never be as happy
as you were with me!

Ever. And until you realize that,
I'll be seeing you.

And by "I'll be seeing you,"
I mean that I'll be watching you.

But you won't know it. Except
I just told you, so you do know it.

Anyway, this isn't over!

Whew. Sure am glad that's over.

One, two, three, go!

Damn it.

Damn it.

All right, mine's broken. Did...

Robots are stupid.