That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 8 - Drive in - full transcript
Fez's prudish exchange program host parents convince him the rock they detest is diabolical by playing it backwards, according to Hyde a ploy from Congress. Seeing how upset Kitty is by their terrible score at a Cosmopolitan relationship spontaneity quiz, Red accepts to take her out, even to a non-usual place, but they have a hard time finding something to their nostalgic taste. Meanwhile Erica and Donna hoped to get intimate at the drive-in, where a scary movie is playing, but Jackie invites herself and literally pushes Kelso in the car too.
Yeah, that's right,
100 bags of manure.
Yeah, the wife and I
are redoing the front lawn.
And, tell you what, if I'm not there...
just dump it all on the front porch.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, man, Coach Jefferson is gonna freak.
Yeah, he just shouldn't have given me
that "D."
Oh, no. Dick Tracy is trapped
in a giant clam.
Farewell, sweet Dick!
A man being eaten by a giant clam.
Now, I'm not Sigmund Freud, but...
Eric.
The Omen is playing at the drive-in.
You know what this means for us?
It's make-out city.
I really like you as a friend, Kelso.
Can I bring a girl?
Yeah. Man, it's gonna be great.
Horror movies turn on chicks
faster than porno.
Really? Faster than that?
Yeah. If only somebody would make
a porno horror movie.
Yeah. Then there'd be no stopping you.
Eric.
Is that kid from, not America down here?
- Dad, it's Fez.
- Yeah, whatever.
The Erdmans called and they want him to...
go home.
Kelso, stop saying "porno."
I didn't say it, Mr. Forman. Fez did.
You are a bitch.
Hanging out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
Whoa, yeah
Hello, Wisconsin!
Okay, you know what this is, Red?
Some lady magazine.
- It's Cosmo.
- No.
I'm gonna tell you something, Red.
I just took the "how spontaneous
is your relationship?" quiz.
And you know what?
- What?
- We got three out of ten.
And I cheated.
Gee, I can't help but notice
that you're pouting.
No. I'm not pouting.
That would upset our routine.
God knows, I wouldn't want
to move in a new direction...
and accidentally slip
in a puddle of fun or anything.
Okay. Here's a thought.
How about you and I...
treat ourselves to a night out?
Just the two of us.
That'd be great, Red.
We'll go to Phillies.
Phillies?
So you'll have the Salisbury steak,
and I'll have the baked chicken. Again.
Maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak.
I enjoy their ham.
Oh, ham.
Okay, then I can change
one answer on the quiz.
So, okay, we have four out of ten.
We have moved up from
"predictable as the tides"...
to "humdrum."
I'll just go change.
Damn Cosmo.
Son, when we took you in
as an exchange student...
you became our responsibility.
And we're concerned about
this gang of ruffians you hang out with.
They are my friends.
That's exactly what they want you to think.
Now, we're not inflexible.
I mean, we looked the other way
when you started wearing cologne.
But now...
you've brought the devil's music
into our home.
No. That is not the devil's music.
It is Eric's.
Rebecca, show the boy.
Now, listen to what happens
when she plays it backwards.
That cannot be good for the record.
There it is! "Devil love me."
"Devil lives!" It's clear as day.
What's funny?
In my language, the record just said:
"I want to sex your monkey."
Which I have never done.
Donna, I was thinking
we should go see a movie tonight.
Cool. I'd love to see
All the President's Men.
Oh.
I actually hear that isn't very good.
Yeah. I was thinking maybe The Omen.
Isn't that at the drive-in?
Is that at the...
Yeah, no, I guess it is.
- So, do you want to go?
- Tonight?
Yeah, sure.
When the child
was 5 years old...
something terrible happened.
The truth. Where does it end?
The Omen? That's at the drive-in.
I know. I don't know what to do.
I mean, I really like Eric...
and I'd like to have
a physical relationship, but...
It's called, "make out," Donna.
Say it.
All right, make out.
But I don't want it to be public.
I don't want it to be tacky,
I don't want there to be pressure...
and now it's this tacky,
public pressure make-out thing.
I understand.
Everybody wants
their first make-out to be special...
in some place romantic.
Like Ireland. Or Disney World.
Disney World?
Right, sorry. So, let's focus.
He asked you to the drive-in.
Did Donna say yes?
And you said "yes"?
Yes.
Yes! This is great.
- Me and Jackie will come with you.
- No.
- Will you come with us?
- Why?
- Why not?
- You'd be like competition.
You'd be like a loophole.
- Competition?
- Loophole?
I'd have to keep up with you and Jackie.
That would make me nervous.
I could always talk to you if I get nervous.
'Cause you've got to be bored
with sex by now.
What do you mean?
- You and Jackie...
- You and Kelso...
have done it a million times.
True.
We have never done it.
Yeah. Slid into home on the second date.
He got to third base once
and that was an accident.
Whatever.
Don't worry, we'll be there.
Fine. We won't come.
- Perfect.
- Thanks.
Okay, now, see? This dress says:
"Look at me. Notice me. Stare at me!"
It's all wrong.
No, you look terrific.
Especially for dinner at the Lion's Head.
No, it's no good. What?
The Lion's Head?
I thought we were going to Phillies.
I changed my mind.
You never do that.
The Lion's Head.
It is so fancy.
They make the butter
look like little flowers.
Yeah. And it's different.
I mean, hell,
we haven't been there in years.
- It'll be fun.
- This is so exciting!
Okay, now, if we are going to go
to someplace that fancy...
I have to shave your neck.
I'll get the clippers, you hop in the tub.
I am telling you, I heard it.
The devil is singing backwards
on the record.
It's not the devil, man.
It's Congress.
They passed a secret law...
to put backward messages
in our records, man.
They want to kill rock and roll...
because they know
it makes us horny, man.
Doesn't pretty much everything
make us horny?
Cartoons make me horny.
And food.
When you play the record backwards,
you can hear the devil speak.
I am starting to hear him everywhere.
Satan is your master, Fez.
Worship Satan.
Before you worship Satan,
get him a cherry pop.
Get Satan a cherry pop.
A pop, man. Get me a pop.
Fez, man, get me a pop.
I'm sorry. I misunderstood.
Satan's second choice is root beer.
Werner, party of two.
Werner, party of two.
Red?
What is this place?
Excuse me.
- What happened to the Lion's Head?
- Burned down. Five dead. Real sad.
Welcome to Blanigan's.
May I take your name?
I'll get back to you.
What do you think?
It certainly is different.
- It might not be so bad.
- On your left, Sparky.
- The staff is certainly enthusiastic.
- I'm sure I can get us a nice, quiet table.
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
To you
I'll put our name on the list.
Forman. Party of two.
Okey-dokey. That'll be about two hours.
Here's $20.
All right. We'll have something
in about 15 minutes.
You don't want this place
to burn down twice, do you?
- All right. We have something right now.
- That's what I thought.
Sweetheart, this is our lucky night.
Would you check this?
Sure.
Looks real good.
All right, let's go.
Maybe I should go back to my house...
and pop some popcorn.
'Cause they always overcharge.
Jackie and Kelso.
What are you guys doing here?
Nothing. What are you guys doing here?
Donna and I are going
to the drive-in. Remember?
Thank you, Eric, we'd love to go.
Michael, get in the car.
- But I don't think...
- Get in the car.
Look, this isn't what we talked about at all.
I'm sorry, man.
I'll take it slow.
Try to keep up.
Going to the drive-in.
Hello. I'm Guy, and I'll be your waiter.
Would either of you like to help yourself
to our Blanigan-tastic salad bar?
- What's a salad bar?
- It's right over there.
All the salad fixings. And you make
your own Blanigan-tastic salad.
You mean my wife
has to make her own salad?
It'll be worth the trip.
You're kidding, right?
Red.
No, Kitty, it's okay.
Guy, my wife didn't get all dressed up...
for a special night out
so that she could make her own salad.
See, she could do that at home. For free.
But she wouldn't have
eight Blanigan-tastic dressings...
to choose from at home, would she?
Are you being a wiseacre?
Red, honey. Your neck vein. It's poking out.
Sir, I can't bring her a salad.
I'll get in trouble.
What the hell kind of a restaurant is this?
You've got eight people singing
Happy Birthday...
and nobody can bring my wife
a damn salad.
Red, honey.
Neck vein, neck vein, neck vein.
Come on, Kitty, let's get out of here.
Happy birthday
Screw your freaking birthday!
Please replace the speaker
on its rack when you're leaving.
Failure to do so
will damage both the speaker and your car.
God, this movie even sounds gross.
That's not the movie.
So...
You guys okay up here?
No, I want popcorn.
I want Eric and Kelso to go get it.
Eric can go get it.
No, Michael. Go.
I didn't bring you here
to suck Kelso's face off.
I know...
I'm sorry.
This is so awkward.
You're right.
And I wasn't being a very good friend.
No more making out.
I promise.
All right, about the popcorn...
I need money.
What? I don't want popcorn.
Get back in the car.
She doesn't know what she wants.
No. Michael, no.
We are gonna watch the movie
with Eric and Donna.
But I missed the beginning.
The little kid's the devil.
They have to kill him. Watch the movie.
Look at me, Damien.
It's all for you!
Donna, it's just a movie.
- Do you wanna sit somewhere else?
- So bad.
So.
Here we are. Back at Phillies.
Yep. Good old Phillies.
Good food at a fair price.
You're ordering
the Salisbury steak, aren't you?
Nope. I'm going for the ham.
Red, don't put your hat
on the counter, it's all greasy.
Pal, can I get some half-and-half?
Isn't this familiar?
Okay, now, here's how we sneak
the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet.
Observe.
Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone.
Don't resist me, Pat Boone.
No, you're hurting me.
- Come on, take it.
- No, it hurts.
- Come on.
- No.
But what if my host parents hear it?
Then Satan commands us to kill them, Fez.
No.
I'll tell you what. We'll use the headphones.
Yes.
Kitty, I'm sorry about tonight.
It's not your fault, Red.
You know how emotional I get
when I read Cosmo.
Boy, do I.
You know, okay, at least we gave it a try.
I guess we have slowed down,
flattened out.
- At our age, it's inevitable.
- Okay, that's it!
Red! My lord!
You're not flashing back
to Guadalcanal, are you?
Hold on, Kitty.
The night's not over.
You know, the stars are really just...
Forget it.
What?
Nothing.
So...
Jackie and Kelso
certainly made themselves comfortable.
Yeah.
It's a roomy car.
Yeah, it is.
You know, the bench seat
in the Vista Cruiser...
is the same as what's in
the full-size Pontiac Catalina.
That's interesting.
Smooth move, Forman!
Okay, kids, break it up.
Let's go.
You're adults.
Damn right we're adults.
I'm sorry, sir. My mistake.
That's quite all right, we all make mistakes.
Now, why don't you go bust
some pot-smoking teenagers...
before I give you a good
adult-size kick in the ass.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your evening.
Red.
That was so sweet.
You let him off with a warning.
Yeah.
- But you're not getting off that easy.
- Red!
Raindrops keep falling
on my head
Just like a guy
whose feet are too big for his head
This loud music
will not damage my hearing?
No. It's good for you.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, son. How was the movie?
- It was pretty gory.
- Yeah? How'd it end?
I don't remember.
Thatta boy.
So, how was your night?
It was fantastic.
That's great. Good night, Dad.
Good night, son.
And, be quiet going upstairs.
Your mother is very tired.
- So, Phillies was fun.
- Yes indeedy.
- Very dependable.
- As always.
www.tvsubtitles.net
100 bags of manure.
Yeah, the wife and I
are redoing the front lawn.
And, tell you what, if I'm not there...
just dump it all on the front porch.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, man, Coach Jefferson is gonna freak.
Yeah, he just shouldn't have given me
that "D."
Oh, no. Dick Tracy is trapped
in a giant clam.
Farewell, sweet Dick!
A man being eaten by a giant clam.
Now, I'm not Sigmund Freud, but...
Eric.
The Omen is playing at the drive-in.
You know what this means for us?
It's make-out city.
I really like you as a friend, Kelso.
Can I bring a girl?
Yeah. Man, it's gonna be great.
Horror movies turn on chicks
faster than porno.
Really? Faster than that?
Yeah. If only somebody would make
a porno horror movie.
Yeah. Then there'd be no stopping you.
Eric.
Is that kid from, not America down here?
- Dad, it's Fez.
- Yeah, whatever.
The Erdmans called and they want him to...
go home.
Kelso, stop saying "porno."
I didn't say it, Mr. Forman. Fez did.
You are a bitch.
Hanging out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
Whoa, yeah
Hello, Wisconsin!
Okay, you know what this is, Red?
Some lady magazine.
- It's Cosmo.
- No.
I'm gonna tell you something, Red.
I just took the "how spontaneous
is your relationship?" quiz.
And you know what?
- What?
- We got three out of ten.
And I cheated.
Gee, I can't help but notice
that you're pouting.
No. I'm not pouting.
That would upset our routine.
God knows, I wouldn't want
to move in a new direction...
and accidentally slip
in a puddle of fun or anything.
Okay. Here's a thought.
How about you and I...
treat ourselves to a night out?
Just the two of us.
That'd be great, Red.
We'll go to Phillies.
Phillies?
So you'll have the Salisbury steak,
and I'll have the baked chicken. Again.
Maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak.
I enjoy their ham.
Oh, ham.
Okay, then I can change
one answer on the quiz.
So, okay, we have four out of ten.
We have moved up from
"predictable as the tides"...
to "humdrum."
I'll just go change.
Damn Cosmo.
Son, when we took you in
as an exchange student...
you became our responsibility.
And we're concerned about
this gang of ruffians you hang out with.
They are my friends.
That's exactly what they want you to think.
Now, we're not inflexible.
I mean, we looked the other way
when you started wearing cologne.
But now...
you've brought the devil's music
into our home.
No. That is not the devil's music.
It is Eric's.
Rebecca, show the boy.
Now, listen to what happens
when she plays it backwards.
That cannot be good for the record.
There it is! "Devil love me."
"Devil lives!" It's clear as day.
What's funny?
In my language, the record just said:
"I want to sex your monkey."
Which I have never done.
Donna, I was thinking
we should go see a movie tonight.
Cool. I'd love to see
All the President's Men.
Oh.
I actually hear that isn't very good.
Yeah. I was thinking maybe The Omen.
Isn't that at the drive-in?
Is that at the...
Yeah, no, I guess it is.
- So, do you want to go?
- Tonight?
Yeah, sure.
When the child
was 5 years old...
something terrible happened.
The truth. Where does it end?
The Omen? That's at the drive-in.
I know. I don't know what to do.
I mean, I really like Eric...
and I'd like to have
a physical relationship, but...
It's called, "make out," Donna.
Say it.
All right, make out.
But I don't want it to be public.
I don't want it to be tacky,
I don't want there to be pressure...
and now it's this tacky,
public pressure make-out thing.
I understand.
Everybody wants
their first make-out to be special...
in some place romantic.
Like Ireland. Or Disney World.
Disney World?
Right, sorry. So, let's focus.
He asked you to the drive-in.
Did Donna say yes?
And you said "yes"?
Yes.
Yes! This is great.
- Me and Jackie will come with you.
- No.
- Will you come with us?
- Why?
- Why not?
- You'd be like competition.
You'd be like a loophole.
- Competition?
- Loophole?
I'd have to keep up with you and Jackie.
That would make me nervous.
I could always talk to you if I get nervous.
'Cause you've got to be bored
with sex by now.
What do you mean?
- You and Jackie...
- You and Kelso...
have done it a million times.
True.
We have never done it.
Yeah. Slid into home on the second date.
He got to third base once
and that was an accident.
Whatever.
Don't worry, we'll be there.
Fine. We won't come.
- Perfect.
- Thanks.
Okay, now, see? This dress says:
"Look at me. Notice me. Stare at me!"
It's all wrong.
No, you look terrific.
Especially for dinner at the Lion's Head.
No, it's no good. What?
The Lion's Head?
I thought we were going to Phillies.
I changed my mind.
You never do that.
The Lion's Head.
It is so fancy.
They make the butter
look like little flowers.
Yeah. And it's different.
I mean, hell,
we haven't been there in years.
- It'll be fun.
- This is so exciting!
Okay, now, if we are going to go
to someplace that fancy...
I have to shave your neck.
I'll get the clippers, you hop in the tub.
I am telling you, I heard it.
The devil is singing backwards
on the record.
It's not the devil, man.
It's Congress.
They passed a secret law...
to put backward messages
in our records, man.
They want to kill rock and roll...
because they know
it makes us horny, man.
Doesn't pretty much everything
make us horny?
Cartoons make me horny.
And food.
When you play the record backwards,
you can hear the devil speak.
I am starting to hear him everywhere.
Satan is your master, Fez.
Worship Satan.
Before you worship Satan,
get him a cherry pop.
Get Satan a cherry pop.
A pop, man. Get me a pop.
Fez, man, get me a pop.
I'm sorry. I misunderstood.
Satan's second choice is root beer.
Werner, party of two.
Werner, party of two.
Red?
What is this place?
Excuse me.
- What happened to the Lion's Head?
- Burned down. Five dead. Real sad.
Welcome to Blanigan's.
May I take your name?
I'll get back to you.
What do you think?
It certainly is different.
- It might not be so bad.
- On your left, Sparky.
- The staff is certainly enthusiastic.
- I'm sure I can get us a nice, quiet table.
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
To you
I'll put our name on the list.
Forman. Party of two.
Okey-dokey. That'll be about two hours.
Here's $20.
All right. We'll have something
in about 15 minutes.
You don't want this place
to burn down twice, do you?
- All right. We have something right now.
- That's what I thought.
Sweetheart, this is our lucky night.
Would you check this?
Sure.
Looks real good.
All right, let's go.
Maybe I should go back to my house...
and pop some popcorn.
'Cause they always overcharge.
Jackie and Kelso.
What are you guys doing here?
Nothing. What are you guys doing here?
Donna and I are going
to the drive-in. Remember?
Thank you, Eric, we'd love to go.
Michael, get in the car.
- But I don't think...
- Get in the car.
Look, this isn't what we talked about at all.
I'm sorry, man.
I'll take it slow.
Try to keep up.
Going to the drive-in.
Hello. I'm Guy, and I'll be your waiter.
Would either of you like to help yourself
to our Blanigan-tastic salad bar?
- What's a salad bar?
- It's right over there.
All the salad fixings. And you make
your own Blanigan-tastic salad.
You mean my wife
has to make her own salad?
It'll be worth the trip.
You're kidding, right?
Red.
No, Kitty, it's okay.
Guy, my wife didn't get all dressed up...
for a special night out
so that she could make her own salad.
See, she could do that at home. For free.
But she wouldn't have
eight Blanigan-tastic dressings...
to choose from at home, would she?
Are you being a wiseacre?
Red, honey. Your neck vein. It's poking out.
Sir, I can't bring her a salad.
I'll get in trouble.
What the hell kind of a restaurant is this?
You've got eight people singing
Happy Birthday...
and nobody can bring my wife
a damn salad.
Red, honey.
Neck vein, neck vein, neck vein.
Come on, Kitty, let's get out of here.
Happy birthday
Screw your freaking birthday!
Please replace the speaker
on its rack when you're leaving.
Failure to do so
will damage both the speaker and your car.
God, this movie even sounds gross.
That's not the movie.
So...
You guys okay up here?
No, I want popcorn.
I want Eric and Kelso to go get it.
Eric can go get it.
No, Michael. Go.
I didn't bring you here
to suck Kelso's face off.
I know...
I'm sorry.
This is so awkward.
You're right.
And I wasn't being a very good friend.
No more making out.
I promise.
All right, about the popcorn...
I need money.
What? I don't want popcorn.
Get back in the car.
She doesn't know what she wants.
No. Michael, no.
We are gonna watch the movie
with Eric and Donna.
But I missed the beginning.
The little kid's the devil.
They have to kill him. Watch the movie.
Look at me, Damien.
It's all for you!
Donna, it's just a movie.
- Do you wanna sit somewhere else?
- So bad.
So.
Here we are. Back at Phillies.
Yep. Good old Phillies.
Good food at a fair price.
You're ordering
the Salisbury steak, aren't you?
Nope. I'm going for the ham.
Red, don't put your hat
on the counter, it's all greasy.
Pal, can I get some half-and-half?
Isn't this familiar?
Okay, now, here's how we sneak
the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet.
Observe.
Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone.
Don't resist me, Pat Boone.
No, you're hurting me.
- Come on, take it.
- No, it hurts.
- Come on.
- No.
But what if my host parents hear it?
Then Satan commands us to kill them, Fez.
No.
I'll tell you what. We'll use the headphones.
Yes.
Kitty, I'm sorry about tonight.
It's not your fault, Red.
You know how emotional I get
when I read Cosmo.
Boy, do I.
You know, okay, at least we gave it a try.
I guess we have slowed down,
flattened out.
- At our age, it's inevitable.
- Okay, that's it!
Red! My lord!
You're not flashing back
to Guadalcanal, are you?
Hold on, Kitty.
The night's not over.
You know, the stars are really just...
Forget it.
What?
Nothing.
So...
Jackie and Kelso
certainly made themselves comfortable.
Yeah.
It's a roomy car.
Yeah, it is.
You know, the bench seat
in the Vista Cruiser...
is the same as what's in
the full-size Pontiac Catalina.
That's interesting.
Smooth move, Forman!
Okay, kids, break it up.
Let's go.
You're adults.
Damn right we're adults.
I'm sorry, sir. My mistake.
That's quite all right, we all make mistakes.
Now, why don't you go bust
some pot-smoking teenagers...
before I give you a good
adult-size kick in the ass.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your evening.
Red.
That was so sweet.
You let him off with a warning.
Yeah.
- But you're not getting off that easy.
- Red!
Raindrops keep falling
on my head
Just like a guy
whose feet are too big for his head
This loud music
will not damage my hearing?
No. It's good for you.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, son. How was the movie?
- It was pretty gory.
- Yeah? How'd it end?
I don't remember.
Thatta boy.
So, how was your night?
It was fantastic.
That's great. Good night, Dad.
Good night, son.
And, be quiet going upstairs.
Your mother is very tired.
- So, Phillies was fun.
- Yes indeedy.
- Very dependable.
- As always.
www.tvsubtitles.net