That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 3 - Streaking - full transcript
Now Red is reduced to part-time-work after a car company restructuring, the Forman family budget is cut too tight to eat and entertain well. Still Kitty joins the festive mood in Point Place when ingrate Jackie's dad, lawyer Jack Burkhart, organizes a reelection campaign stopover in the Wisconsin rat-hole. A speech from the principal against 'social actions' and what motives don't count inspires the basement boys, who till then taught it all lame too lame to bother, to go crazy by streaking. Donna hesitates whether to join her parents in embarrassing matching starts-and-stripes jumpsuits. Mr. Burkhart's committee wanted a Joe ordinary to ask Ford a question, so Bob invites Red, who hesitates, then decides to tell his mind about the policy he feels cost him his job, but is delivered a sissy prepared question- not good enough. The fate of their raincoats and the presence of dogs make the boys realize the (pecker) perils in the nude are too big. When Red seems too nervous to ask either question, Eric feels a diversion is desperately needed...
Push. Push. Come on, you gotta push it.
- How much longer?
- 10 seconds.
You gotta push harder
or it's not gonna work.
- This is so stupid.
- It's not stupid. You're gonna love it.
I'm not gonna love it.
Okay, that's time.
Step away from the door.
Kelso, you're a genius.
Yeah, it's magic.
My God. Finally. I am so dehydrated.
Here. Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
I told you my top three choices
were Tab, Fresca, or Diet Rite.
Again, you get
Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
- Then I'll just have water.
- You know, there's a hose in the backyard.
I've noticed that the pop selection
has really went downhill...
since your dad got laid off.
He's not laid off, he's just part-time.
And shut up.
Kids.
Kids, kids, kids.
The President is coming.
What President?
The President of these United States,
Gerald R. Ford, the 36th...
Eighth... 40th...
I don't know. He's the President.
Why would Ford come to Point Place?
Because we are a whistle-stop along...
his Wisconsin campaign trail.
My dad organized it.
Dear, the next time...
you know a president is coming to town...
please give me a little more notice.
I need to vacuum.
Eric, you tidy up this basement.
A pie! I gotta make a pie!
Wow. The President's coming.
You know what we should do?
That door thing again!
Yeah!
Hanging out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
Whoa, yeah
Hello, Wisconsin!
So how's the car?
Real good.
By real good, you mean you rotated
those tires like I asked you to?
Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?
- You being a smartmouth?
- Yes, and I'm sorry.
Tuna casserole again?
Well, okay, how about
we don't pay the car insurance...
and we'll all have steak?
All right.
Well, just imagine,
President Ford is coming here.
Red, we need to get rid of
the oil stains in the driveway.
It's not like he's coming to our house.
And if he did...
I'd kick him in the keister.
Stop it. How can you say that?
You voted for Gerald Ford.
Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.
But he still is our President.
The boy's old enough
to hear that kind of talk.
Eric, say that your job was sent to
a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell-cares.
Now, are you gonna
vote for the guy that let that happen?
Red, President Ford didn't
take your job. He took Nixon's.
Eric, we're waiting.
Well...
I believe that everyone's political
opinion is valid and worth hearing.
That's perfect, Eric.
Use that line
when you run for Miss America.
Settle down
and we'll start the assembly.
Now, concerning
the canned goods drive.
Motor oil is not a food.
I'm sorry, it's not. And all your booing
isn't gonna make it one.
Now as you all know...
President Ford will be visiting our fair city.
And I know there are
some of you ne'er-do-wells out there...
that might be planning some sort of...
quote unquote,
social statement-type protest.
I can't believe this.
Who cares if Ford is coming?
It's better than when the Oscar Mayer
Weenie Mobile drove through.
They didn't even stop.
They just slowed down and threw
a bunch of hot dog whistles at us.
Two girls in a phallic RV.
Driving around,
handing out things you blow.
What a great country.
So let me tell you another thing...
Mr. or Mrs. Punk.
Protesting accomplishes nothing.
Oh, sure, you might see a chance...
to prove your manhood
or show you're cool...
but this is our President.
Our President, darn it!
So no shenanigans, you hear me?
And if that's your kind of attitude...
you might just as well go home right now.
So President Ford
should be arriving at noon.
Man, deviled eggs. Are these for anybody?
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.
- Hi.
- Hi, kitten.
Now, look, we're talking
about adult stuff here.
Why don't you and your friend
head up to your room?
Now, the most important part
of our presidential rally...
is the townspeople "Q" and "A" section.
Just so, everyone's clear...
the "Q" stands for "Question",
the "A" for "Answer."
All yours, Jack.
This is where normal folks
step up to the microphone...
and ask the President questions.
Now, the important thing is
to choose the right person, you know.
A working class guy. Your average Joe.
I guess someone
you and I would call a loser.
So, of course, I thought of you.
We'd like you to ask
President Ford a question.
So what do you say to that?
I say, no, thank you,
and I want my crescent wrench back.
I'll do it.
No, you keep working on your pies.
Just imagine, Red, you, the little guy...
get to have your opinions heard
by the most powerful man in America.
Take advantage of this opportunity.
- Turn that light off.
- Sorry.
Look, guys, we gotta do something
that says we will not pay homage...
to a corrupt electoral system.
I know. A bloody coup.
That's good,
but we're looking for something great.
Something that would make our
founding fathers proud, man, you know?
- Let's streak!
- Bingo! Yeah!
I've always wanted to do that...
just run buck naked
through a sea of people.
Be free and shake it around.
All right, who's in?
Will people be chasing us
with torches and pointy sticks?
- No.
- Then I am in.
Great. Eric?
- Are you in?
- Streaking. I'm...
Don't get me wrong,
I'm completely pro-nudity...
but I think my dad might kill me,
and I'm anti-being killed.
If there wasn't some huge downside
to doing something this stupid...
it wouldn't be worth doing, you know?
Good point.
And I could write
some really great slogan like...
"I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
If you hate the fuzz on your ass,
why don't you just shave it off?
Pretty snazzy?
Looking good, Dad.
I got one for you, too.
We're gonna wear them
to meet the President.
No. No way.
Honey, you're missing the big picture.
Let me go get the other jumpsuits.
You'll see.
Mom, why are you doing this?
Honey, there are lots of things I do
to make your father happy...
that I don't really like.
- Mom!
- No, not that. I love that.
I meant like fishing.
See? When we stand together,
we're the American flag.
- I'm not wearing a striped jumpsuit.
- No, honey, you're the field of blue.
Bye, now.
But, Donna, you're part of the family.
My, this hurts.
- Yello.
- Good news, Bob.
I've been thinking about it and I've
decided, I will ask Ford a question.
Red, this is good news.
And I could sure use it right about now.
Yeah, glad I could help.
I'm gonna ask him a question all right.
And it's gonna be a damn good one.
Red.
Now, don't worry.
I'm simply gonna ask him how the
hell he's gonna fix this economy.
Honey, he wouldn't know that.
He's the President.
All this food for 45 cents, it is unbelievable.
I see.
So, Forman, the rally's tonight, man.
What's your decision?
- Yeah, are you gonna streak or not?
- Don't pressure him.
No, I've been doing some thinking,
and I'm in.
- All right.
- You're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.
A bunch of naked idiots.
Thanks, Kelso.
Look, we must keep this quiet.
It can't go beyond this table.
If my father finds out what we have
planned, he will nail me to the wall.
Why are you all sitting on
one side of the table?
Okay, now.
Make way for my Presidential pies.
See? Cherry, mock apple, blueberry.
See that? Red, white, and blue.
It's like the beginning to
Love, American Style in pie.
Look. Lookit.
See, honey, you're not looking.
Yeah, pie.
Dad. Mr. Pinciotti wanted me
to give you this.
- What is it?
- It's your question for President Ford.
But I'm working on my question
for President Ford.
Right. This is the one
the committee made up for you.
"What has been your favorite parade?"
This is asinine.
- Macy's?
- No contest.
Right.
Can I borrow your trench coat?
I can ask the President
any damn thing I want.
It's my right. I'm not gonna be
a puppet for Bob's committee.
I'll take real good care of it...
and I'll bring it back
as soon as I possibly can.
Honey, just take the coat and leave.
No. Eric, a man...
has to stand up and be heard.
I will not sit quietly by
while everything is taken away from me.
They took my job, my stability...
now they want to take away
my right to free speech.
You still have the Toyota,
it gets great mileage.
Where is the America that I knew as a boy?
Where?
You tell me, dear God, where?
Okay, I really hate being
in this room right now.
Okay, when the President
starts his speech here...
I'll blow my Oscar Mayer whistle
and we go.
Did you write,
"I hate the fuzz" on your butt?
Yeah.
- Donna, here's your lipstick back.
- Keep it.
- You got the masks?
- Yeah, I got three Snoopys and one Nixon.
Not it.
Damn. Fez, how'd you know
how to do that?
My country invented "not it."
So can we go already?
I'm itching to release the hound here.
It's go time.
Now, look at you guys.
What is it with you
young people and Colombo?
Bye.
Bye.
Aren't you going, Donna?
No. My Dad's gonna make me
wear this really queer jumpsuit.
I don't know if I can do it.
It's just too embarrassing.
You know, Donna,
my grandmother came from Sweden...
and she had this thick accent
and it embarrassed me to no end.
I asked her not to come
to my high school graduation...
'cause I didn't want my friends
to hear her talk...
and she didn't come.
Sixteen years later,
she got the gout and died.
You see?
No.
All families are embarrassing.
And if they're not embarrassing,
then they're dead.
All right, try and blend in.
see you alone like that,
so I came over and here you are.
Hey, you hitting on my girlfriend?
Michael, he's not...
- Hey, man. You wanna go? Come on.
- Yeah, let's go, cowboy!
- You are so lucky I'm naked, pal.
- Shut up.
There's supposed to be
a blue field of stars there.
Oh, honey.
Now, if we just start
to sway back and forth...
it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.
Oh, god.
- There's another guy in a trench coat.
- I bet he's a streaker, too.
Fez, he's with Secret Service.
- How about that man?
- Yeah, Secret Service.
- And that man?
- Yeah.
And that man with the dog?
Yeah.
- The dog is looking at us. Come here, boy.
- No, Fez!
- Man, I just thought of something.
- What?
What are we going to do
with our trench coats?
I mean, after we rip them off,
we can't come back here and get them.
- Shucks.
- God, this is all my fault. You know what?
I'll hold the coats. You guys streak.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
I just thought of something, too.
We're naked, and there's a lot of dogs here.
Maybe we should just sit down.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen...
... the President of
the United States of America...
Gerald R. Ford!
What are you doing hiding over... Okay.
Back off. I am a flag.
- Are you gonna streak?
- No, we took a vote and it's unanimous.
We're all very chicken.
That's too bad. It's been a
while since I've seen you naked.
- You've never seen me naked.
- Like a zillion times.
When we were kids,
you were always running around...
the neighborhood naked,
screaming, "Wee, wee! Pee, pee!"
Now it's time for
the "Q" and "A" portion of our program.
First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman.
Red is a father of two wonderful children...
and how he's managed
to keep them clothed and fed...
while being cut back
to halftime at the plant is beyond me.
But he doesn't blame
the President for his misfortune.
No, sir. He only blames himself.
I give you Red Forman!
Mr. President...
I...
I...
Come on, Red.
Your dad is bombing.
Wee, wee! Pee, pee!
Hey, Gerry, here's my question.
How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
- Hey, son.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, good job at the rally today.
Not bad.
I kind of stumbled there at the start...
but I think I nailed him with a good one.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
Yeah, well...
sometimes a man's gotta do
what he thinks is right.
Yeah, I'm gonna call it a night.
All right, son.
Good night.
Good night, Dad.
And next time, don't wear black socks.
You looked like an ass.
How could they not catch you?
I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.
So true.
You didn't see anything, did you?
No.
Well...
maybe just a bit.
But not the bit.
Wait, what do you mean "bit"?
9999
-
- How much longer?
- 10 seconds.
You gotta push harder
or it's not gonna work.
- This is so stupid.
- It's not stupid. You're gonna love it.
I'm not gonna love it.
Okay, that's time.
Step away from the door.
Kelso, you're a genius.
Yeah, it's magic.
My God. Finally. I am so dehydrated.
Here. Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
I told you my top three choices
were Tab, Fresca, or Diet Rite.
Again, you get
Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
- Then I'll just have water.
- You know, there's a hose in the backyard.
I've noticed that the pop selection
has really went downhill...
since your dad got laid off.
He's not laid off, he's just part-time.
And shut up.
Kids.
Kids, kids, kids.
The President is coming.
What President?
The President of these United States,
Gerald R. Ford, the 36th...
Eighth... 40th...
I don't know. He's the President.
Why would Ford come to Point Place?
Because we are a whistle-stop along...
his Wisconsin campaign trail.
My dad organized it.
Dear, the next time...
you know a president is coming to town...
please give me a little more notice.
I need to vacuum.
Eric, you tidy up this basement.
A pie! I gotta make a pie!
Wow. The President's coming.
You know what we should do?
That door thing again!
Yeah!
Hanging out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
Whoa, yeah
Hello, Wisconsin!
So how's the car?
Real good.
By real good, you mean you rotated
those tires like I asked you to?
Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?
- You being a smartmouth?
- Yes, and I'm sorry.
Tuna casserole again?
Well, okay, how about
we don't pay the car insurance...
and we'll all have steak?
All right.
Well, just imagine,
President Ford is coming here.
Red, we need to get rid of
the oil stains in the driveway.
It's not like he's coming to our house.
And if he did...
I'd kick him in the keister.
Stop it. How can you say that?
You voted for Gerald Ford.
Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.
But he still is our President.
The boy's old enough
to hear that kind of talk.
Eric, say that your job was sent to
a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell-cares.
Now, are you gonna
vote for the guy that let that happen?
Red, President Ford didn't
take your job. He took Nixon's.
Eric, we're waiting.
Well...
I believe that everyone's political
opinion is valid and worth hearing.
That's perfect, Eric.
Use that line
when you run for Miss America.
Settle down
and we'll start the assembly.
Now, concerning
the canned goods drive.
Motor oil is not a food.
I'm sorry, it's not. And all your booing
isn't gonna make it one.
Now as you all know...
President Ford will be visiting our fair city.
And I know there are
some of you ne'er-do-wells out there...
that might be planning some sort of...
quote unquote,
social statement-type protest.
I can't believe this.
Who cares if Ford is coming?
It's better than when the Oscar Mayer
Weenie Mobile drove through.
They didn't even stop.
They just slowed down and threw
a bunch of hot dog whistles at us.
Two girls in a phallic RV.
Driving around,
handing out things you blow.
What a great country.
So let me tell you another thing...
Mr. or Mrs. Punk.
Protesting accomplishes nothing.
Oh, sure, you might see a chance...
to prove your manhood
or show you're cool...
but this is our President.
Our President, darn it!
So no shenanigans, you hear me?
And if that's your kind of attitude...
you might just as well go home right now.
So President Ford
should be arriving at noon.
Man, deviled eggs. Are these for anybody?
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.
- Hi.
- Hi, kitten.
Now, look, we're talking
about adult stuff here.
Why don't you and your friend
head up to your room?
Now, the most important part
of our presidential rally...
is the townspeople "Q" and "A" section.
Just so, everyone's clear...
the "Q" stands for "Question",
the "A" for "Answer."
All yours, Jack.
This is where normal folks
step up to the microphone...
and ask the President questions.
Now, the important thing is
to choose the right person, you know.
A working class guy. Your average Joe.
I guess someone
you and I would call a loser.
So, of course, I thought of you.
We'd like you to ask
President Ford a question.
So what do you say to that?
I say, no, thank you,
and I want my crescent wrench back.
I'll do it.
No, you keep working on your pies.
Just imagine, Red, you, the little guy...
get to have your opinions heard
by the most powerful man in America.
Take advantage of this opportunity.
- Turn that light off.
- Sorry.
Look, guys, we gotta do something
that says we will not pay homage...
to a corrupt electoral system.
I know. A bloody coup.
That's good,
but we're looking for something great.
Something that would make our
founding fathers proud, man, you know?
- Let's streak!
- Bingo! Yeah!
I've always wanted to do that...
just run buck naked
through a sea of people.
Be free and shake it around.
All right, who's in?
Will people be chasing us
with torches and pointy sticks?
- No.
- Then I am in.
Great. Eric?
- Are you in?
- Streaking. I'm...
Don't get me wrong,
I'm completely pro-nudity...
but I think my dad might kill me,
and I'm anti-being killed.
If there wasn't some huge downside
to doing something this stupid...
it wouldn't be worth doing, you know?
Good point.
And I could write
some really great slogan like...
"I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
If you hate the fuzz on your ass,
why don't you just shave it off?
Pretty snazzy?
Looking good, Dad.
I got one for you, too.
We're gonna wear them
to meet the President.
No. No way.
Honey, you're missing the big picture.
Let me go get the other jumpsuits.
You'll see.
Mom, why are you doing this?
Honey, there are lots of things I do
to make your father happy...
that I don't really like.
- Mom!
- No, not that. I love that.
I meant like fishing.
See? When we stand together,
we're the American flag.
- I'm not wearing a striped jumpsuit.
- No, honey, you're the field of blue.
Bye, now.
But, Donna, you're part of the family.
My, this hurts.
- Yello.
- Good news, Bob.
I've been thinking about it and I've
decided, I will ask Ford a question.
Red, this is good news.
And I could sure use it right about now.
Yeah, glad I could help.
I'm gonna ask him a question all right.
And it's gonna be a damn good one.
Red.
Now, don't worry.
I'm simply gonna ask him how the
hell he's gonna fix this economy.
Honey, he wouldn't know that.
He's the President.
All this food for 45 cents, it is unbelievable.
I see.
So, Forman, the rally's tonight, man.
What's your decision?
- Yeah, are you gonna streak or not?
- Don't pressure him.
No, I've been doing some thinking,
and I'm in.
- All right.
- You're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.
A bunch of naked idiots.
Thanks, Kelso.
Look, we must keep this quiet.
It can't go beyond this table.
If my father finds out what we have
planned, he will nail me to the wall.
Why are you all sitting on
one side of the table?
Okay, now.
Make way for my Presidential pies.
See? Cherry, mock apple, blueberry.
See that? Red, white, and blue.
It's like the beginning to
Love, American Style in pie.
Look. Lookit.
See, honey, you're not looking.
Yeah, pie.
Dad. Mr. Pinciotti wanted me
to give you this.
- What is it?
- It's your question for President Ford.
But I'm working on my question
for President Ford.
Right. This is the one
the committee made up for you.
"What has been your favorite parade?"
This is asinine.
- Macy's?
- No contest.
Right.
Can I borrow your trench coat?
I can ask the President
any damn thing I want.
It's my right. I'm not gonna be
a puppet for Bob's committee.
I'll take real good care of it...
and I'll bring it back
as soon as I possibly can.
Honey, just take the coat and leave.
No. Eric, a man...
has to stand up and be heard.
I will not sit quietly by
while everything is taken away from me.
They took my job, my stability...
now they want to take away
my right to free speech.
You still have the Toyota,
it gets great mileage.
Where is the America that I knew as a boy?
Where?
You tell me, dear God, where?
Okay, I really hate being
in this room right now.
Okay, when the President
starts his speech here...
I'll blow my Oscar Mayer whistle
and we go.
Did you write,
"I hate the fuzz" on your butt?
Yeah.
- Donna, here's your lipstick back.
- Keep it.
- You got the masks?
- Yeah, I got three Snoopys and one Nixon.
Not it.
Damn. Fez, how'd you know
how to do that?
My country invented "not it."
So can we go already?
I'm itching to release the hound here.
It's go time.
Now, look at you guys.
What is it with you
young people and Colombo?
Bye.
Bye.
Aren't you going, Donna?
No. My Dad's gonna make me
wear this really queer jumpsuit.
I don't know if I can do it.
It's just too embarrassing.
You know, Donna,
my grandmother came from Sweden...
and she had this thick accent
and it embarrassed me to no end.
I asked her not to come
to my high school graduation...
'cause I didn't want my friends
to hear her talk...
and she didn't come.
Sixteen years later,
she got the gout and died.
You see?
No.
All families are embarrassing.
And if they're not embarrassing,
then they're dead.
All right, try and blend in.
see you alone like that,
so I came over and here you are.
Hey, you hitting on my girlfriend?
Michael, he's not...
- Hey, man. You wanna go? Come on.
- Yeah, let's go, cowboy!
- You are so lucky I'm naked, pal.
- Shut up.
There's supposed to be
a blue field of stars there.
Oh, honey.
Now, if we just start
to sway back and forth...
it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.
Oh, god.
- There's another guy in a trench coat.
- I bet he's a streaker, too.
Fez, he's with Secret Service.
- How about that man?
- Yeah, Secret Service.
- And that man?
- Yeah.
And that man with the dog?
Yeah.
- The dog is looking at us. Come here, boy.
- No, Fez!
- Man, I just thought of something.
- What?
What are we going to do
with our trench coats?
I mean, after we rip them off,
we can't come back here and get them.
- Shucks.
- God, this is all my fault. You know what?
I'll hold the coats. You guys streak.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
I just thought of something, too.
We're naked, and there's a lot of dogs here.
Maybe we should just sit down.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen...
... the President of
the United States of America...
Gerald R. Ford!
What are you doing hiding over... Okay.
Back off. I am a flag.
- Are you gonna streak?
- No, we took a vote and it's unanimous.
We're all very chicken.
That's too bad. It's been a
while since I've seen you naked.
- You've never seen me naked.
- Like a zillion times.
When we were kids,
you were always running around...
the neighborhood naked,
screaming, "Wee, wee! Pee, pee!"
Now it's time for
the "Q" and "A" portion of our program.
First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman.
Red is a father of two wonderful children...
and how he's managed
to keep them clothed and fed...
while being cut back
to halftime at the plant is beyond me.
But he doesn't blame
the President for his misfortune.
No, sir. He only blames himself.
I give you Red Forman!
Mr. President...
I...
I...
Come on, Red.
Your dad is bombing.
Wee, wee! Pee, pee!
Hey, Gerry, here's my question.
How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
- Hey, son.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, good job at the rally today.
Not bad.
I kind of stumbled there at the start...
but I think I nailed him with a good one.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
Yeah, well...
sometimes a man's gotta do
what he thinks is right.
Yeah, I'm gonna call it a night.
All right, son.
Good night.
Good night, Dad.
And next time, don't wear black socks.
You looked like an ass.
How could they not catch you?
I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.
So true.
You didn't see anything, did you?
No.
Well...
maybe just a bit.
But not the bit.
Wait, what do you mean "bit"?
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