That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 22 - Punk Chick - full transcript

What are you doing?

Nothing.

How's it going back there?

Okay, Donna, just for that,
I'm not taking your bra off.

You weren't taking it off anyway.

Hello, House of Chicken?

How big are your wings?

Breasts.

How big are your breasts?

This is Fez, who is this?

My first prank call.



Every night with you is an adventure.

Yeah, Fez, it's a real roller coaster, ain't it?

Hyde, how come
you do not have a girlfriend?

Maybe if you did something with your hair.

Hey, you, is there a motel in this pukehole?

There's a Sleepy Time Lodge
three pukeholes over.

Thanks. I'm Chrissy.

- I'm Hyde.
- Who cares.

You wanna hop on my Vespa
and show me where it is?

Mother of God, I think I love you.

Love is an outdated concept...

used by industrialists
to keep women subservient.

Mother of God, I do love you.

Hanging out



Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

Whoa, yeah

Hello, Wisconsin!

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

What happened?

You just beat me 15-nothing.

So what?

I mean, hitting a ball
with two paddles is so boring.

I need a new challenge,
something totally different.

I need to hit the ball with...

smaller paddles.

Where's Red keep his tools?

No. Not Red's Pong.
I don't think you should be going...

The garage! Of course!

Okay, if you screw that up,
he's gonna blame me.

I know.

Who'd have thought
I'd meet a radical number like you...

in a slag heap town like this.

I can't believe
you're just passing through, man.

You're dark, you're obnoxious...

you're dangerously paranoid.

Until tonight, I didn't even
know a girl like you existed.

Has it occurred to you that we're on a bed?

Man, this is so perfect.

You're easy, too?

Yeah.

See, the establishment
doesn't want us having sex...

because they know
it makes us feel good, right?

So if we can feel good on our own,
what do we need the establishment for?

So, every time we have sex...

it's a huge protest.

You know what?

I think I feel a huge protest coming on.

Thank you so much...

for helping with
my home ec project, Mrs. Forman.

You're welcome, honey.

Now, Jackie,
have you ever made a pie before?

No, I don't really cook much.
I just plan on getting by on my looks.

Okay, then.

Michael.

Jackie.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm baking a pie.

I'm making small paddles.

Fine.

Fine.

So, Donna, what say
you and I take a little drive tonight?

I don't know.
Do you think you can unlock the car?

Where should the three of us go
on our drive?

Actually, Fez, just Donna and I are gonna...

I see.

So, you are going to ditch me.

Just like Hyde.

Every day, I am here
with my heart on my sleeve...

hoping only for friendship and acceptance.

And what do I get?

Abandonment.

Loneliness.

When is it Fez's turn?

Where is my whore?

Damn you, Hyde. Did you go
horseback riding without me?

No.

I just met
the most amazing woman. Chrissy.

And she just ditched her entire life
to start over in New York, man.

Wait.

- Why is she going to New York?
- She's going to start a punk band.

A punk band.

Cool. What is punk anyways?

Punk is the nihilistic outcry...

against the corporate
rock and roll takeover.

It's the soundtrack to the revolution, man.

I thought you said Blue Oyster Cult
was the soundtrack to the revolution.

Look, the point is
that she asked me to go with her.

Why would you want to go to New York?

It's a big city, man,
the bars are open until 4:00...

that's where all the music's happening.

- If I can make it there...
- You can't make it there.

- But if I can make it there...
- But, you won't make it there.

Would you just listen.

If I can make it there...

Damn it, Forman,
now I lost my train of thought!

Kelso! You have 10 seconds
to tell me what you're doing.

I can explain...

Nine seconds!
See...

Eight!
But the counting...

- Three.
- What?

- There's no way that was five seconds.
- It is now. Three!

I just wanted...
Two.

Smaller paddles.
Time!

Don't hurt me!

Smaller paddles?

Is it broken?

Okay, I'm too good at Pong.

It's a curse.

I know what you mean. It's boring. I
haven't played this thing in over a month.

Right. Exactly.
Okay, now stay with me here.

That's why I took it apart.
See smaller paddles equal bigger fun.

You may have something there.
We'll give it a try.

Seeing as you already opened it.
Great.

And if we can't put it back together,
you owe me $118.

I don't have $118.

Then I'll have to kill you.

Okay.

Jackie, all right, honey. Let's just review.

What do you think
went wrong with this pie?

- Too many eggs?
- No.

- The pan was too small?
- Not even close.

Is it because
Michael doesn't love me anymore?

Almost.

It's because you were
talking on the phone about Michael...

instead of watching the pie, like
you promised me you would this time.

Again.

You liar.

I don't know, Hyde.
I mean, here, you're the cool guy.

But do you know
how many cool guys live in New York?

There's like...

Lou Reed, man!

Do you want to mess with that?

Why do you want to leave Point Place?
It is fun.

Yeah, it is fun, man...

and I'm gonna miss
the hell out of you guys.

But Chrissy's cool.

And it's the Big Apple, man.

Do you think Lou Reed's in the phone
book? Because I bet he'd really like me.

Lou Reed.

Where are you going?

Who's Chrissy?

It's not bad here, man. We got the TV.

And peanut butter. And I got this thing.

The ball part rolled under the dryer.

Hyde, you cannot leave.

You gave me my first beer, remember?
And then I threw up on that cop.

That was a good time, man.

Wait a minute, back up...

nobody tells me anything.

What's the ball doing under the dryer?

So, Hyde's like really leaving.

Yeah.

It's like...

time's just passing us by.

You know, you've got to like...

seize the day.

- You are so right.
- Yeah.

Okay, what's so funny?

Nothing.

No, tell me.

I know you're going for the bra.

How did you know?

It's just, every time you go for
my bra, your lips stop moving.

So...

you're really not having any fun?

No, I'm having a good time.

I would just like a little attention
while you're struggling with my underwear.

I'm here too.

It doesn't always have to be
about the twins.

The twins?

Is that what you call them?

That is so very hot.

Okay.

Take me home.

Jackie...

just take the money and buy a pie.

Mrs. Forman, if I buy a pie,
that's cheating and I'll fail.

Trust me. If you bake it, you'll fail, too.

What's this about
Hyde moving to New York?

No. He's only 17.
His mother would never let him do that.

Actually, Michael told me
that Hyde's mom drinks a lot.

She probably won't even care.
You know drunk people are like that.

Okay...

let's make another pie.

I will make the filling...

and I will make the crust.

What will I make?

You will go into the living room
and make me a drink.

He can't just drop out of high school.

And New York City is no place
for a 17-year-old kid.

It's Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway.

We'll have to have a talk with him.
His mom sure as hell won't do it.

And somebody's got to beat
some sense into that idiot.

Red, you do care.

Are you ready to rock and roll?

- We don't think that you should go.
- New York is a dangerous place.

A young man today
needs a high school diploma.

In New York, you get mugged
for no good reason.

Do you have any idea
what the job market is like?

The people are rude.

And you have feelings.

Without that sheepskin, you are nothing.

And not the kind of nothing
that you are now.

An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

They spit. That's right, they spit!

What are you gonna put
on your resume? "Dumbass"?

I'm not afraid of anything, and I'm going.

That didn't go that great.

Way to go, Kitty.

Hey, don't touch!

I'm about to take off the doohickey.

Wait.

Red, don't you think
we should disconnect...

the transistor
from the secondary circuit board first?

Sure.

And then, we'll work on the...

doohickey.

Bitching.

It is too my suitcase!

Nothing in this house is yours!

Shut up!

So, your mom's taking it pretty hard?

No, I haven't told her yet.

So, Hyde, you're, like,
really going through with this?

Yeah, man.

I mean, you know.
I know people spit on you there...

and the rats are as big
as your head or whatever.

But this might be
my only chance to escape, Forman.

You can't leave now.

We're finally getting old enough to
do some serious damage to this town.

Remember we were gonna
paint that pot leaf on the water tower?

Vandalism, while tempting...

is not enough reason for me to stay.

Plus, you can do that without me.

But we won't do that without you.

Hyde, you're the reason we do
so many stupid, senseless things.

Yeah, that is true.

Hyde, I've never
told this to another human being...

but I...

Cannot get Donna's bra off.

- Hooks or snaps?
- Both. She keeps throwing me changeups.

All right, here's what you do, okay?

You buy a bra
and you practice on it at home...

then you give it to Donna as a gift.

See, that's brilliant.

You're like an evil genius, man!

Where's your bag?

You're not going.

No.

But I'd like to mount another protest
if you have the time.

This is my friend's number in New York.

Don't call me.

Yeah, I won't.

Chrissy...

do you mind if I steal the towels?

Sorry. I already got them.

Kelso. Good luck.

Yeah, she's been a great ride, man.

- It worked!
- Smaller paddles!

Congratulations, son.

You have seen the future.

Yeah. You're so right, Red.
Home computers. That is the future.

No. Not computers. Soldering.

The future is soldering.

Computers.

What do you know, we're parked again.

Right, but this time I just want to talk.

Donna, I'm really sorry...

if I did anything
to make you feel uncomfortable.

Thanks.

I guess part of that's my fault.

But I think I know something
that will make you feel better.

Okay.

You know,
I've been having a rough time lately.

Now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend
and you know I'm on the pill...

it's like you're always pawing at me.

I wanna fool around, but then I
think if you get to second base...

you'll get a pretty good view of home.

If that happens,
what will happen to you and me?

Look at what happened
to Jackie and Kelso...

and sex changes everything
and that really sucks.

Okay.

So, what part of that
was supposed to make me feel better?

I'm not wearing a bra.

You are the best girlfriend ever.

You surprised to see me?

No, I knew you'd stay.

Yeah, we've been friends way too long.

No, Chrissy just drove by
with some guy on the back of her bike.

Poor kid.

She's grieving.

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