That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 14 - Stolen Car - full transcript
Eric has scratched the car because Kelso was deriving him and Red demands the car keys. The guys are now car-less until Kelso announces his cousin has lend him his car. While Kitty tells Red he's hard on Eric, Red explains her it's for his own good but later acknowledges Kitty might be right. Midge wants to take part in feminist classes but Bob is against it. Jackie tells Donna how she thinks her first time with Kelso should look like.
Forman, man. It's a tiny, little scratch.
And Red's never gonna see it.
No, Red sees everything.
He sees when I put cheap gas in the car.
I got it.
We'll put my "gas, grass, or ass"
bumper sticker over it.
Listen, Forman, whatever happens,
we'll all take the rap.
Yeah.
How'd you scratch the car, Eric?
Have fun. Later.
See you, Forman.
Well?
Well...
Sir, I was pulling out of this parking space.
Creeping is more like it. I was creeping...
You were screwing around,
backed into a hydrant.
- I see the paint marks.
- No!
And by "no," I mean "exactly."
Yeah, but it wasn't my fault, sir.
Kelso was giving me a...
A what?
Kelso was giving me a purple nurple.
It's when you grab
somebody's nipple through their shirt...
and twist it really hard...
until it becomes purple.
Give me the keys.
Dad, I...
Your driving privileges are suspended
until you learn some responsibility.
- Dad, I'm very responsible.
- No, you're not.
Responsible people don't go around
getting their nipples twisted.
See, when you say it though,
it just sounds weird.
Hanging out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
Whoa, yeah
Hello, Wisconsin!
Love!
Oh, my God.
"Hair Do's and Don'ts
of Olympic Gold Medalists."
Oh, my God, is that Dorothy Hamill?
She's a virgin.
Speaking of...
You know, those girls at school
who do it, like, all the time?
Yeah.
All right, is it just me,
or do they seem more relaxed?
Hi.
What are you guys doing?
They are talking about sex.
Come on, Fez,
chicks don't talk about sex, man.
It's dirty.
Yes, we do.
Especially when it involves
Michael Kelso, my dreamboat.
Great. Now we have to talk about
Jackie and Kelso's sex life.
This is my worst nightmare.
All right, you know what?
Before you guys got here...
Jackie and I were actually
having a pretty good time.
I know. I was surprised, too.
- Donna, you wanna go to my house?
- You know what? Okay.
- So what do you guys wanna do?
- We could walk to The Hub.
Too far.
- We could walk to...
- Too far.
Man, this sucks.
I just can't believe
that Red took away my car...
because of one stupid little scratch.
I know, man.
Who would think Red would overreact?
I did.
I have noticed Red is a real hard-ass.
One toe over the line,
sweet Jesus, you are clobbered.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, guys. Check it out.
Did you get a car?
Yeah. My cousin Sully
loaned me his wheels.
Yes.
So where to?
You just want to hang?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Snookums?
Yes, Pookie?
Do you want turkey or tuna sandwiches
tonight for dinner?
Tonight? Tonight's meatloaf night.
Right, but I have my class...
at the community college
in Kenosha tonight.
- I told you about it last week.
- You most certainly did not.
Yes, I did, remember?
You were watching Baretta.
Midge, you can't tell me anything
while I'm watching Baretta.
It's complicated.
Bob, I've been telling you for months
how I've needed to expand my mind.
Is this about jewelry?
'Cause I'll buy you jewelry.
No, sweetie.
It's about me becoming a whole person.
Midgie, don't take this the wrong way,
but that's just stupid.
I don't think it's your decision.
I'm the man of the house...
and I say you're not going
to community college.
You can't tell me what to do, you big ass!
What are we looking at?
That scratch.
What scratch?
The scratch that Eric put in the car.
I got most of it out
with rubbing compound...
but you should have seen it before.
It was a doozy.
That must have been quite an accident.
Was he killed?
See, that's where
his smart mouth comes from.
Driver safety is serious business, Kitty.
You're right, Red.
We should teach him a lesson.
So when he comes home,
I'll hold him down...
and you burn him with a cigarette.
Just so you know, Donna, when I
finally decide to do it with Michael...
I have the whole thing planned out.
First...
I'll be wearing a very sexy Renoir.
Don't you mean peignoir?
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Stop ruining this, Donna.
Okay.
And then
there'll be candles everywhere.
And also, there'll be a gigantic banner.
And then Michael will come in.
And the wind will be blowing...
and then we will have
the most magical night of our lives.
So, if you have it all planned out...
why are you still waiting?
I want it to be really special.
I mean,
how could it not with a gigantic banner?
Exactly.
Bob doesn't want me to take this class,
but it sounds so exciting.
It's all about female empowerment.
It's called, "The Woman Warrior:
"Fighting Female Stereotypes."
That's the professor. Isn't he cute?
Darling.
So you want to come?
I can't say I'm not tempted.
Yes, I can. I'm not tempted.
Don't you want to become
an empowered woman?
You know, I just... I don't have time
to be an empowered woman.
I'm too busy running this household.
You're so lucky, Kitty. You have it all.
A great family and a great career.
How did you talk Red into
letting you work?
Okay, well, one day we sat down,
we did all our bills...
and we realized we were
going to lose the house.
This backseat sucks.
Plus it's too small.
Fez's leg is touching mine.
No. Your leg is touching mine.
I shouldn't even be in the back seat.
You know, I should be driving my own car.
The reason you're not
driving your own car, Forman...
is because you're irresponsible,
and you scratched it.
Yeah. That's a good one.
I'm trying to drive the car here, man!
No. Put it back, I like that song.
Pipe down, now, back seat Charlie.
All right.
The back seat sucks.
Welcome to my sad little world.
When you
drive home tonight...
please remember to drive carefully.
Great, no pickles. Now we gotta go back.
Shut up!
Why does Sully have a statue
of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Yeah.
People who burn stuff
believe in God, too, Hyde.
Why does his key chain say, "I love Bingo"?
Sully must love Bingo.
All right, I'm starting to think
that maybe this isn't Sully's car.
Then whose car is it?
Yeah
This is great. I'm dead.
When we were in my car,
and I was running the show...
I don't remember
one single time we all got arrested.
That's true.
Eric, will you just relax?
We're all in trouble here.
No.
We're not all in trouble here.
Your parents have seven kids.
They won't even notice you're gone.
Your parents don't even
live in this country.
And your mom, probably one cell over.
So, that just leaves me.
I'm the only one
who's really in trouble here.
Look, Forman, I'll be
in as much trouble as you as are...
as soon as Edna sobers up.
I will be deported.
They're gonna send me back to my
homeland, the beautiful island of...
Okay, who's the ringleader here?
He is.
- You get one phone call.
- To anywhere?
One local phone call.
So who should we call?
I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.
I don't know my phone number.
I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.
No offense, but isn't every night
poker night for Edna?
I know. I got it. I'll call Jackie.
Her dad's a lawyer,
and she's got a checkbook.
Hello?
Jackie! Thank God you're home.
I was driving a stolen car
and I got arrested.
Michael, this is
just like the book Prisoner of Love...
where Cliff, the rugged yet sweet
motorcycle mechanic was thrown into jail.
And then his true love, Tasha,
was forced to be a slave girl...
for this really rich, mean guy.
Jackie, I'm not kidding around.
I'm really in jail.
My God. Are you okay?
Yeah, I guess. But I'm a little cold.
It's lonely in the joint, Jackie.
My God. You're really in jail.
What if you never get out?
That would really suck.
Yes, it would, Michael. And I promise...
the minute you get out of prison,
I'm gonna prove my love to you.
Cool. Thanks.
Michael, do you even know
what I'm saying to you?
Yeah.
No.
We're gonna make love, you idiot.
All right!
You two have a nice little talk?
Yeah.
- You know what's funny?
- What?
Nothing! Because you forgot
to ask her for help, you moron!
My God, you're right.
Give me another dime.
We only had one dime.
We only got one phone call.
My God.
Somebody give me a spoon.
I'm gonna dig my way out of here.
Look at this.
Here we are sitting down to dinner...
and Eric's not even home yet.
Honey, you took away his car.
He has to walk everywhere.
Walking is good for him.
Red, why do you have to be
so hard on him?
Same reason my old man was hard on me.
To prepare me for the world.
You know, Kitty, when I was his age...
I could have parachuted
onto a deserted island...
with nothing but a Swiss army knife,
and I would've survived.
Okay, then we've learned something.
No skydiving for Eric.
I'll tell you, Kitty,
the world is a tough place.
You drop your guard for one second...
and it'll kick you right in the ass.
Well, you're right.
Red, the world is hard.
So wouldn't it be nice if Eric
came home to a place that wasn't?
All right, Kitty, when you win the lottery...
you can buy him Disneyland.
I can't believe she went to that class.
Married women do not
abandon their families.
Sure they do, Dad. It's the '70s.
I know what decade it is.
Doesn't change the fact I'm eating
a sandwich instead of a hot meal.
You want me to microwave it for you?
I just don't understand why she needs this.
- I've given her a great life.
- Dad, that's not the issue.
The whole point of the
Equal Rights Amendment...
is so that women don't have
to define themselves by a man.
Donna, is this about clothes?
'Cause I can buy you clothes.
This is pointless.
While you're up,
you wanna get daddy a beer?
Honey?
Eric, you've gotta do something, man.
Me? What about you, Kelso? Or Hyde?
I can't talk to cops, man.
I go insane with rage.
And me, too. Nuts.
Eric, you gotta help us.
So now I'm back in charge?
This is so typical.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Once again, I'll suck it up, be the
man and save all your sorry asses.
Officer, I need to talk to you, please.
You gotta let me go!
Please, God. My dad's gonna kill me.
You stole a car, kid.
What kind of cop would I be
if I just let you go?
My best friend the cop?
Look, it really wasn't my fault.
We borrowed it from a friend.
Yeah, haven't heard that one before.
Guess what?
They didn't really steal the car.
They borrowed it from a friend.
Actually, they did. Turns out this guy
Sully borrowed it from his grandmother...
and she forgot and called it in stolen.
Nice old lady, though. She plays Bingo.
- My God, this is great. So, we're free to go?
- Yeah. Which one are you?
Eric Forman.
Forman? Is your dad Red Forman?
Yeah.
You poor bastard.
- Well, thank you.
- Here.
- So?
- So call a cab. We're sprung.
What? We're free?
All charges dropped.
Wait, that is what you wanted, right?
Let's get the hell out of here.
Yeah.
Hi, Bob.
Midge, I've been thinking.
If taking that class made you happy,
then I guess I'm happy.
Sweetie, it means so much to me.
And it's only twice a week, so it's not...
Whoa.
I thought this was a one-time deal.
Bob, you can't learn total
female empowerment in one night.
It takes 10 nights.
Wait. Midge, you are not going back.
Aphrodite, the Goddess of War
wouldn't take this...
and neither will I!
Hey, Dad.
Hold it.
About the car.
I know it was...
And I...
You see, when I was a kid...
Maybe I came down...
Here's the keys.
Thank you, sir.
- So where you been all night?
- Prison.
Yeah, okay.
- Jackie.
- Michael, you've been sprung.
You don't know what it's like
on the inside, Jackie.
Did they beat you?
Yeah.
Damn those police.
No. It was Hyde. But he really frogged me.
Poor baby.
Thanks, Jackie.
- Okay, so let's do this thing.
- This is so perfect.
I don't even miss the peignoir,
the pirate shirt, or the wind.
What about the banner?
It's okay.
The important thing is, I'm here with you.
And I'm prepared to give myself to you...
body, mind, and soul.
Michael, this is going to be
the most magical night of our lives.
Yeah, and one more thing.
My parents are at the A&P,
so we only have, like, 15 minutes.
You guys enjoying your burgers?
Got enough pickles on them?
That's how Fatso Burger does them.
Lots and lots of pickles. Yes, yes.
Yeah. It's great.
Got enough room back there?
Actually, it's a little bit crowded.
Good. That's the way it should be. Yes, yes.
I feel like going to the movies.
Where do you guys wanna go?
- Let's go to the reservoir.
- Movies it is. Yes, yes.
I kind of feel like going to the reservoir.
Reservoir it is. Yes, yes.
www.tvsubtitles.net
And Red's never gonna see it.
No, Red sees everything.
He sees when I put cheap gas in the car.
I got it.
We'll put my "gas, grass, or ass"
bumper sticker over it.
Listen, Forman, whatever happens,
we'll all take the rap.
Yeah.
How'd you scratch the car, Eric?
Have fun. Later.
See you, Forman.
Well?
Well...
Sir, I was pulling out of this parking space.
Creeping is more like it. I was creeping...
You were screwing around,
backed into a hydrant.
- I see the paint marks.
- No!
And by "no," I mean "exactly."
Yeah, but it wasn't my fault, sir.
Kelso was giving me a...
A what?
Kelso was giving me a purple nurple.
It's when you grab
somebody's nipple through their shirt...
and twist it really hard...
until it becomes purple.
Give me the keys.
Dad, I...
Your driving privileges are suspended
until you learn some responsibility.
- Dad, I'm very responsible.
- No, you're not.
Responsible people don't go around
getting their nipples twisted.
See, when you say it though,
it just sounds weird.
Hanging out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
Whoa, yeah
Hello, Wisconsin!
Love!
Oh, my God.
"Hair Do's and Don'ts
of Olympic Gold Medalists."
Oh, my God, is that Dorothy Hamill?
She's a virgin.
Speaking of...
You know, those girls at school
who do it, like, all the time?
Yeah.
All right, is it just me,
or do they seem more relaxed?
Hi.
What are you guys doing?
They are talking about sex.
Come on, Fez,
chicks don't talk about sex, man.
It's dirty.
Yes, we do.
Especially when it involves
Michael Kelso, my dreamboat.
Great. Now we have to talk about
Jackie and Kelso's sex life.
This is my worst nightmare.
All right, you know what?
Before you guys got here...
Jackie and I were actually
having a pretty good time.
I know. I was surprised, too.
- Donna, you wanna go to my house?
- You know what? Okay.
- So what do you guys wanna do?
- We could walk to The Hub.
Too far.
- We could walk to...
- Too far.
Man, this sucks.
I just can't believe
that Red took away my car...
because of one stupid little scratch.
I know, man.
Who would think Red would overreact?
I did.
I have noticed Red is a real hard-ass.
One toe over the line,
sweet Jesus, you are clobbered.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, guys. Check it out.
Did you get a car?
Yeah. My cousin Sully
loaned me his wheels.
Yes.
So where to?
You just want to hang?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Snookums?
Yes, Pookie?
Do you want turkey or tuna sandwiches
tonight for dinner?
Tonight? Tonight's meatloaf night.
Right, but I have my class...
at the community college
in Kenosha tonight.
- I told you about it last week.
- You most certainly did not.
Yes, I did, remember?
You were watching Baretta.
Midge, you can't tell me anything
while I'm watching Baretta.
It's complicated.
Bob, I've been telling you for months
how I've needed to expand my mind.
Is this about jewelry?
'Cause I'll buy you jewelry.
No, sweetie.
It's about me becoming a whole person.
Midgie, don't take this the wrong way,
but that's just stupid.
I don't think it's your decision.
I'm the man of the house...
and I say you're not going
to community college.
You can't tell me what to do, you big ass!
What are we looking at?
That scratch.
What scratch?
The scratch that Eric put in the car.
I got most of it out
with rubbing compound...
but you should have seen it before.
It was a doozy.
That must have been quite an accident.
Was he killed?
See, that's where
his smart mouth comes from.
Driver safety is serious business, Kitty.
You're right, Red.
We should teach him a lesson.
So when he comes home,
I'll hold him down...
and you burn him with a cigarette.
Just so you know, Donna, when I
finally decide to do it with Michael...
I have the whole thing planned out.
First...
I'll be wearing a very sexy Renoir.
Don't you mean peignoir?
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Stop ruining this, Donna.
Okay.
And then
there'll be candles everywhere.
And also, there'll be a gigantic banner.
And then Michael will come in.
And the wind will be blowing...
and then we will have
the most magical night of our lives.
So, if you have it all planned out...
why are you still waiting?
I want it to be really special.
I mean,
how could it not with a gigantic banner?
Exactly.
Bob doesn't want me to take this class,
but it sounds so exciting.
It's all about female empowerment.
It's called, "The Woman Warrior:
"Fighting Female Stereotypes."
That's the professor. Isn't he cute?
Darling.
So you want to come?
I can't say I'm not tempted.
Yes, I can. I'm not tempted.
Don't you want to become
an empowered woman?
You know, I just... I don't have time
to be an empowered woman.
I'm too busy running this household.
You're so lucky, Kitty. You have it all.
A great family and a great career.
How did you talk Red into
letting you work?
Okay, well, one day we sat down,
we did all our bills...
and we realized we were
going to lose the house.
This backseat sucks.
Plus it's too small.
Fez's leg is touching mine.
No. Your leg is touching mine.
I shouldn't even be in the back seat.
You know, I should be driving my own car.
The reason you're not
driving your own car, Forman...
is because you're irresponsible,
and you scratched it.
Yeah. That's a good one.
I'm trying to drive the car here, man!
No. Put it back, I like that song.
Pipe down, now, back seat Charlie.
All right.
The back seat sucks.
Welcome to my sad little world.
When you
drive home tonight...
please remember to drive carefully.
Great, no pickles. Now we gotta go back.
Shut up!
Why does Sully have a statue
of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Yeah.
People who burn stuff
believe in God, too, Hyde.
Why does his key chain say, "I love Bingo"?
Sully must love Bingo.
All right, I'm starting to think
that maybe this isn't Sully's car.
Then whose car is it?
Yeah
This is great. I'm dead.
When we were in my car,
and I was running the show...
I don't remember
one single time we all got arrested.
That's true.
Eric, will you just relax?
We're all in trouble here.
No.
We're not all in trouble here.
Your parents have seven kids.
They won't even notice you're gone.
Your parents don't even
live in this country.
And your mom, probably one cell over.
So, that just leaves me.
I'm the only one
who's really in trouble here.
Look, Forman, I'll be
in as much trouble as you as are...
as soon as Edna sobers up.
I will be deported.
They're gonna send me back to my
homeland, the beautiful island of...
Okay, who's the ringleader here?
He is.
- You get one phone call.
- To anywhere?
One local phone call.
So who should we call?
I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.
I don't know my phone number.
I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.
No offense, but isn't every night
poker night for Edna?
I know. I got it. I'll call Jackie.
Her dad's a lawyer,
and she's got a checkbook.
Hello?
Jackie! Thank God you're home.
I was driving a stolen car
and I got arrested.
Michael, this is
just like the book Prisoner of Love...
where Cliff, the rugged yet sweet
motorcycle mechanic was thrown into jail.
And then his true love, Tasha,
was forced to be a slave girl...
for this really rich, mean guy.
Jackie, I'm not kidding around.
I'm really in jail.
My God. Are you okay?
Yeah, I guess. But I'm a little cold.
It's lonely in the joint, Jackie.
My God. You're really in jail.
What if you never get out?
That would really suck.
Yes, it would, Michael. And I promise...
the minute you get out of prison,
I'm gonna prove my love to you.
Cool. Thanks.
Michael, do you even know
what I'm saying to you?
Yeah.
No.
We're gonna make love, you idiot.
All right!
You two have a nice little talk?
Yeah.
- You know what's funny?
- What?
Nothing! Because you forgot
to ask her for help, you moron!
My God, you're right.
Give me another dime.
We only had one dime.
We only got one phone call.
My God.
Somebody give me a spoon.
I'm gonna dig my way out of here.
Look at this.
Here we are sitting down to dinner...
and Eric's not even home yet.
Honey, you took away his car.
He has to walk everywhere.
Walking is good for him.
Red, why do you have to be
so hard on him?
Same reason my old man was hard on me.
To prepare me for the world.
You know, Kitty, when I was his age...
I could have parachuted
onto a deserted island...
with nothing but a Swiss army knife,
and I would've survived.
Okay, then we've learned something.
No skydiving for Eric.
I'll tell you, Kitty,
the world is a tough place.
You drop your guard for one second...
and it'll kick you right in the ass.
Well, you're right.
Red, the world is hard.
So wouldn't it be nice if Eric
came home to a place that wasn't?
All right, Kitty, when you win the lottery...
you can buy him Disneyland.
I can't believe she went to that class.
Married women do not
abandon their families.
Sure they do, Dad. It's the '70s.
I know what decade it is.
Doesn't change the fact I'm eating
a sandwich instead of a hot meal.
You want me to microwave it for you?
I just don't understand why she needs this.
- I've given her a great life.
- Dad, that's not the issue.
The whole point of the
Equal Rights Amendment...
is so that women don't have
to define themselves by a man.
Donna, is this about clothes?
'Cause I can buy you clothes.
This is pointless.
While you're up,
you wanna get daddy a beer?
Honey?
Eric, you've gotta do something, man.
Me? What about you, Kelso? Or Hyde?
I can't talk to cops, man.
I go insane with rage.
And me, too. Nuts.
Eric, you gotta help us.
So now I'm back in charge?
This is so typical.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Once again, I'll suck it up, be the
man and save all your sorry asses.
Officer, I need to talk to you, please.
You gotta let me go!
Please, God. My dad's gonna kill me.
You stole a car, kid.
What kind of cop would I be
if I just let you go?
My best friend the cop?
Look, it really wasn't my fault.
We borrowed it from a friend.
Yeah, haven't heard that one before.
Guess what?
They didn't really steal the car.
They borrowed it from a friend.
Actually, they did. Turns out this guy
Sully borrowed it from his grandmother...
and she forgot and called it in stolen.
Nice old lady, though. She plays Bingo.
- My God, this is great. So, we're free to go?
- Yeah. Which one are you?
Eric Forman.
Forman? Is your dad Red Forman?
Yeah.
You poor bastard.
- Well, thank you.
- Here.
- So?
- So call a cab. We're sprung.
What? We're free?
All charges dropped.
Wait, that is what you wanted, right?
Let's get the hell out of here.
Yeah.
Hi, Bob.
Midge, I've been thinking.
If taking that class made you happy,
then I guess I'm happy.
Sweetie, it means so much to me.
And it's only twice a week, so it's not...
Whoa.
I thought this was a one-time deal.
Bob, you can't learn total
female empowerment in one night.
It takes 10 nights.
Wait. Midge, you are not going back.
Aphrodite, the Goddess of War
wouldn't take this...
and neither will I!
Hey, Dad.
Hold it.
About the car.
I know it was...
And I...
You see, when I was a kid...
Maybe I came down...
Here's the keys.
Thank you, sir.
- So where you been all night?
- Prison.
Yeah, okay.
- Jackie.
- Michael, you've been sprung.
You don't know what it's like
on the inside, Jackie.
Did they beat you?
Yeah.
Damn those police.
No. It was Hyde. But he really frogged me.
Poor baby.
Thanks, Jackie.
- Okay, so let's do this thing.
- This is so perfect.
I don't even miss the peignoir,
the pirate shirt, or the wind.
What about the banner?
It's okay.
The important thing is, I'm here with you.
And I'm prepared to give myself to you...
body, mind, and soul.
Michael, this is going to be
the most magical night of our lives.
Yeah, and one more thing.
My parents are at the A&P,
so we only have, like, 15 minutes.
You guys enjoying your burgers?
Got enough pickles on them?
That's how Fatso Burger does them.
Lots and lots of pickles. Yes, yes.
Yeah. It's great.
Got enough room back there?
Actually, it's a little bit crowded.
Good. That's the way it should be. Yes, yes.
I feel like going to the movies.
Where do you guys wanna go?
- Let's go to the reservoir.
- Movies it is. Yes, yes.
I kind of feel like going to the reservoir.
Reservoir it is. Yes, yes.
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