That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 1 - That '70s Pilot - full transcript

Eric. It is time.

Why don't you do it?

- It's your house.
- Your house.

Listen to them up there.
The party has reached critical mass.

In 10 minutes,
there will be no more beer opportunities.

If my dad catches me copping beers,
he'll kill me.

I'm willing to take that risk.

Don't worry about it.
Just remain calm, keep moving.

And above all,
don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

- What's wrong with your dad's hair?
- Just don't look at it.

And, Eric, cold. Definitely cold.



Young and beautiful

Someday your looks will be gone

Watch it, Eric!

Hot pizza rolls. Coming through. Hot, hot.

Kitty, where are you?

Okay, take two.
There's plenty. There's plenty coming.

Is everybody good? I know. I know.
Vienna sausages are so versatile.

Hi, there, Eric.

Mr. Pinciotti.

So, Eric, how do you like Bob's new hair?
Isn't it groovy?

It's incredibly groovy, Mrs. Pinciotti.

- Yeah, it was Midge's idea.
- It's a perm.

Eric.

Hi, Dad.



What the hell happened to Bob's hair?

Beats me.

His head looks like a poodle's ass.

Boy, just when you think
you've seen everything.

- A poodle's ass walks into your party.
- Eric, don't use the "ass" word.

You're still in high school.

Yes, sir.

Okay. Pigs in a blanket. Hot. Hot.

Kitty, is that your Toyota in the drive?

Red, a Toyota?

Yeah, it's mine.

I tell you, the last time I was that close
to a Japanese machine...

it was shooting at me.

Honey, it is the gas crisis.
What can you do?

And you know, Bob,
those SOBs at the dealership...

offered me a lousy $400 trade-in
on the Vista Cruiser.

Yeah, what you gonna do?

It'll rust in the driveway before I trade it in.

Honey, it is rusting in the driveway.

Pop, I'll take the cruiser off your hands.
I don't care if it's a pump-sucker.

- What you got there, Eric?
- Beer.

I found it. Just sitting...

you know... around.

Put them away, son.

I intend to, sir.

Honey.

On your way to the basement,
could you pop these in the fridge?

They're warm.

Check it out.

I see that every day.

He's alive!

Good news.

My dad is thinking
of giving me the Vista Cruiser.

You're getting a car?

Have I told you
how incredibly attractive you are, Eric?

No.

You told me he was cute.
No, I didn't.

I remember, 'cause you said
not to say anything in front of Eric.

Let's focus on
what's important here, people.

Forman stole something. To Forman.

You know what's sad?

This is the proudest day of my life.

Hanging out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

Whoa, yeah

Hello, Wisconsin!

Marcia, a football in the face.

- That's gotta hurt.
- Ouch, my nose!

- That's gonna be huge in the morning.
- Huger than my boobs?

Bigger than the left one.

Why are we watching this
without the sound?

I am totally confused.

Here, use the earphone.

So, what's the deal with the Vista Cruiser?

The deal is, there is no deal yet.

- How we gonna get to the concert?
- Shut up!

What concert?

Todd Rundgren.

When?

- This weekend.
- Who's going?

Eric, and Donna, and me,
and Hyde, and the foreign kid Fez.

Pretty much everybody.

- And you.
- Good.

Thank you for telling me, Michael.

- I'm getting a soda.
- Yeah.

Yep, me, too.
Sit down!

You don't want me to go to the concert.
Is that it?

I didn't know if you liked music.

Michael.

I didn't invite you to the concert...

because I know
you really don't like my friends.

- Did you tell them that?
- No.

Michael. Don't tell our
private conversations to other people.

We have to have
our own private conversations.

Also, I didn't think
you'd be interested in Todd Rundgren.

I mean, like you said, he's no Frampton.

I love Todd Runddamen.

I have the 45 of Hello, it's me.

Remember the night we listened to it?
We can have fun at the concert, too.

Especially in the car on the way back.

- Okay. You can go.
- Only if you want me to.

I want you to.

Jackie, I guess you're going
to the concert with us.

I can't wait.

So, Michael,
you wanna go back to my house...

and listen to Todd Grunion records?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, bye.

You kids have fun. Bye.

- Bye, bye, now.
- Yeah.

They're so darn cute.

Minute you turn your back,
they go at it like dogs.

- They're frisky.
- You can't leave them alone.

No.

You know...

my sister thinks
that we shouldn't be left alone.

Us?

Yeah.

We're alone now.

Yeah.

Eric, relax.

We've lived
next door to each other forever.

You could've had me when I was four.

Really?

And there I was all day long
on the hippity hop.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Ever since yesterday,
I can't stop thinking about you.

I mean, I've known you
practically my whole life.

I want you.

I want you so bad.

Eric, it's a car.

Let's just leave these two kids alone.

Say, hey there, Donna.
Hey, Dad.

You kids. Standing around the driveway.

It's so darn cute.

You know, you may not realize it...

but this is the most fun
you're ever gonna have.

- So it's all downhill from here, sir?
- Yeah.

- What happened to your dad's hair?
- He got a permanent.

So that's permanent?

Baby!

I may not say this right
because I am new to English.

But she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Michael, who is this guy?

That's Fez.
He's a foreign exchange student.

Who did we exchange for him?

Donna, I have to go to the ladies' room.

Donna?

I, too, must go to the bathroom. Eric?

No, it doesn't work that way with guys.

Kelso, how much longer...

are we gonna have to deal with
the whole Jackie experience?

Don't worry. I'm breaking up with her.

- Never gonna happen.
- It's over.

She's cutting into my free time.

I...

I'm hooked on a feeling

I'm high on believing

So is Red still thinking about
giving you the car maybe?

Even if we do get it, we're gonna need
some serious gas money...

'cause the cruiser's a boat.

I know it's a boat.

This whole gas shortage bites.

Who is getting a boat?

There is no gas shortage,
man. It's all fake.

The oil companies control everything.

Like, there's this guy who invented
this car that runs on water, man.

It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine,
and it runs on water.

So it is a boat.

No, it's a car.

Only, you put water in the gas tank
instead of gas.

And it runs on water, man.

I never heard of this car.

Jackie's good for gas money.

You are such a whore.

When does the boat get here, whore?

Eric!

Yeah, dad.
I need to talk to you.

Eric...

your mother and I have been talking.

Since I've been cut back to part-time
at the plant...

and the hospital is so close...

I can take the Toyota to work,
and your mom can take the bus.

Honey.

Honey, really, I'd rather walk.

When I ride the bus in my nurse's
uniform, people always show me their scars.

Then I'll drop you off
on my way to the plant.

- No, I don't wanna be any trouble.
- Then Eric can take you.

He's a teenager. He doesn't wanna drop...

If he can't drop his own mother off at work,
then I'll be damned if he's getting a car!

Okay.
Excuse me.

- Am I getting the car?
- We didn't say that.

Things don't just drop into
your lap, Eric. Not in this life.

A car is a responsibility.

You'll need insurance.

Do you have any idea
how much insurance is?

A car is a privilege.

Oil changes, road flares,
fluids, that's your job.

A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Always yield. Always!

Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car.
Don't let that happen.

If I find one beer can in that car, it's over.

And no doughnuts, either.

Ants.

So...

do I get the car?

- Bitching!
- Eric, not in front of your mother.

Thank you, Pop.

Sir.

Yeah...

clean the attic.

- Kelso, that's sweet.
- Actually, I'm riding shotgun.

- No, you're not.
- I'm not riding in the back.

Why don't we let Eric decide?

- Eric?
- Kelso.

Get in the back.

- Taking her for a spin?
- Yes, sir.

Have a good time.

One more thing.
Very important. About the car.

She's old, so no trips out of town.

Ever.

Understood?

Have fun.

I guess that's that. We're not going.

- Eric, do you wanna go?
- He said no trips out of town.

- It's your car. Do you wanna go?
- But he's God.

I think God would want us
to go to Milwaukee.

Eric, you are a 17-year-old man.

I'm gonna go with whatever you say.
It's your decision.

It is my decision.

And my decision is:

- We're going to a concert.
- Yeah!

The kids are off.
I wonder where they're going.

Out of town.

Are you sure?

Of course.

I told them not to.

So I guess they'll be gone for a while.

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm telling you, we're out of gas.

- We're not out of gas.
- It's the battery.

- It's six years old and shot to hell.
- I know what. I'll just call my dad.

Kelso, tell her.

- He can't take the car out of town.
- I'm not calling his dad.

Jackie, parents talk to each other
about how we screw up.

- Why would they talk about that?
- They can't help it.

Look, say there's a party, see. And
all of our parents are there. Together.

Hi, Red.

Say, isn't it great
all our kids are such good friends?

Yes, Jackie's dad,
they're quite the gang of young people.

Kitty, I love what
you've done with the kitchen.

Yes, aqua and yellow...

blah, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak.

Speaking of kids...

wasn't it lucky Triple-A
pulled Eric's butt out of the fire...

when he took the car
to Milwaukee without your permission?

What?
Why, that twisted little monkey!

I'm grounding him for 10 years.

Kids. What are you gonna do?
I say we torture them...

with plenty of pointless rules and advice.

Hey, everybody!
Let's hustle!

Guys. We are in the middle of nowhere...

and I have to go to the ladies' room.

Donna?

So where you going?

- Rundgren concert.
- Cool.

So what, you want a battery?
'Cause I can get you a battery.

Are they cheap?

Or possibly free?

$32, minimum.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll trade you our battery,
plus $5 for one of your batteries.

That's a really sweet deal, my friend,
but how about this?

How about one battery
for two concert tickets?

We can't give up two tickets.

Okay.

It's either that or none of us go.

- So who's out?
- There's always Jackie.

Of course, Jackie. I mean,
Jackie's gone. But who else?

I don't know. Jackie's date?

Come on! You know
I'm breaking up with her.

- You guys are chumping me out.
- I've had to listen to her for a good hour.

A really long hour.

God hates me.

How can you say God hates you?
At least you have a woman's love.

Be happy, whore.

This suit is for leisure.

But many times I wear it
to get down to business.

Guys. Randy's date is a man.

I'm okay with it.

We are so cool to be okay with it.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Kevin?

I'll explain later.

This isn't working.

No, it's a Boy Scout belt.
The buckle's got a thing you...

No. Michael, before you speak,
please hear my words.

I think we should break up.

- Now?
- You're not having a good time.

- I'm having a good time.
- Really?

Yeah.

Michael, I am so glad
you don't wanna break up.

You were so nice to give your
ticket away, so you could be with me.

Yeah.

That says you don't need music...

concerts...

friends.

You know what you need, Michael?

- I don't know.
- Me. M-E, Michael.

- Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.

You're just too shy to say that, lover.

So when were you a Boy Scout?

What a great night.

You know, it's amazing what
one act of civil disobedience...

can do for you.

I mean, there's a whole world
that's waiting to be driven to.

We could go to Canada.

We got a new battery, what's stopping us?

You know, I think Canada closes at 9:30.

Yeah.

You know, I never would have done this
if you hadn't talked me into it.

I didn't talk you into anything.

I'm gonna call it a day.

Good night.

Night.

By the way, thanks for the ride.

What was that for?

I just wanted to see what it was like.

What was it like?

You were there.

Yeah, I wasn't ready for it.

What would you have done differently?

I don't know. Something with my lips?

Sounds good.

Let's try that next time.

When exactly is next time?

Good night.

Yeah, I'm really gonna sleep after that.

It's important to me

That you know you are free

'Cause I'd never want to

Make you change for me

Boy, we're good.

Yeah, really good.