Ten Year Old Tom (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Bassoon Incident/Ice Cream Money - full transcript
Tom is criticized for his Bassoon playing so must find what else he's good at; Tom and Nelson begin an Ice Cream truck business and find a way to make easy money.
[John Newton's
"Amazing Grace"]
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God.
This is just painful.
The kid on that bassoon
is ruining the whole thing.
- Who, me?
What's happening?
- My daughter, Dakota,
practiced very hard for this.
- Dakota, say something.
Your mom's out of control.
- I'm kinda in a tough spot
here, Tom, sorry.
- Hey, lady!
- Oh, no.
- How about you mind
your own business?
- Ma, sit down.
- My son plays bassoon
like an angel.
- Yeah, well,
he's a sucky little angel,
and he sucks at bassoon.
- Oh, is this the day I fist
fight in front of my child?
- Ladies, please,
let's be civil.
Tom, play us a quick solo
to show everyone how hard
you've been practicing.
- There's no such thing
as a bassoon solo.
That's why
I chose the instrument.
- Just play anything.
Stravinsky's Fifth in G minor.
- I have too much respect for
my craft and for Stravinsky.
I won't do it.
- Have you studied anything?
Just play something.
- Okay, fine.
Here's a little of, uh,
Beyonce's
"All the Single Ladies."
Let me bang
this out real quick.
[bassoon buzzing]
- Oh, my God.
[bassoon buzzing]
- Happy now?
- ♪ Now as our poor young
lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up ♪
♪ Those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling
that we're lost ♪
♪ Will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanation ♪
♪ Can't expect ♪
♪ Our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth ♪
♪ We can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow ♪
♪ We can float anywhere ♪
[bell rings]
- Hey, gang.
This is your principal here.
Listen, due to budget cuts,
we are now accepting
paid ads
during
the morning announcements.
So remember, you're not
old enough to drink,
but when you are,
you'll like the smooth taste
of Grey Goose.
All right,
that felt completely wrong.
We'll revisit that.
[knocking]
- Hey.
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Hey, buddy.
- You know why I called
you in here, right?
- I don't know,
just general chit chat?
- Well, I'm getting
a lot of complaints
about the bassoon incident.
- Complaints?
- They say
you're "dead weight."
- Dead weight?
- One parent called you
"an albatross."
- Is that good or bad?
- Listen,
I was hoping you'd give up band
and try something different,
like baseball.
- Oh no,
I'm more of a bassoon guy.
- What does that even mean?
- I love sitting in
the background
with a large,
nondescript instrument,
just flapping my lips
willy nilly.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- I want you to listen
to what I'm saying.
There's defining moments
in your life
that if you listen,
it'll change your whole life.
I played the tuba as a kid,
and look where it got me now.
- You seem
like you're doing great.
- I'm lonely, I'm overweight,
and I'm a light stealer.
I light steal.
There, I said it.
- You steal things?
- Not, like,
literally in my pocket,
but I leave things
under the basket,
I put it up against the side,
hope they don't see it.
- Oh.
- Is that what
you want to turn into?
- I mean, you're not selling me
on the whole lifestyle, no.
- Just give it some thought.
That's all I ask.
- Hey, Tom, what's up, man?
- Hey, Nelson.
- Hey, you want
to come over later?
- Nah, I've got
a lot on my mind.
- A lot on your mind?
You're 10!
These are
the glory years, baby.
- These are the glory years?
- Yeah.
Once we hit our teens,
we're old.
What's up, man?
Talk to me, baby.
- The principal says
I need to decide
between bassoon and baseball.
- That's a tough decision.
- You playing baseball?
- Hell, no.
My dad encourages me
to be an owner, not a player.
- Not like a fun childhood,
but--
- Baseball players
get way more action.
- Who are you talking to?
Me?
- I'm talking to everybody
within earshot.
- What's action?
I'm not familiar
with the phrase.
- Tail.
- Tail?
- Trim.
Don't make me say pussy, guys!
There's kids on this bus.
- Hey, whoa!
- That's the word from TV.
- Why are
you talking about sex?
I'm not even interested
in girls yet.
- I'm just trying to help,
because I know
bassoon players
are basically celibate.
- I think
you got your facts wrong.
- They basically live
like monks.
- Take it back.
- I'm not taking it back.
Bassoon players,
they get nothing.
Baseball players
are swimming in ladies.
- Psst, Tom.
- Yeah?
- This bus driver is literally
the coolest guy we know.
If he says play baseball,
you gotta play baseball.
- You think he's cool?
- Hell, yeah,
I think he's cool.
- I like this kid.
You've got a stage whisper,
they call it.
- You heard all that?
- I have sharp ears.
I am the ear equivalent
to a sharpshooter assassin.
[crowd cheering]
- Let's go, guys.
Jimmy, Chris, eye of the tiger!
Stop looking like
a fool out there.
Come on!
You're making a fool of me!
- Hey, coach?
- Wh--Tom!
- Hey, coach.
- Hey, buddy.
- Am I in the right place?
- Tom, you are
obviously in the--Chris!
Would you move back!
- Oh, my God.
- You are in the right place.
You ready?
- No, these kids seem
a little bigger than me.
- Yes, they're a little big.
Parents hold them back
for size advantage, it's fine.
- The pitcher
is literally shaving.
- I mean,
he did drive to the game,
and he's a little hairy.
- The kid looks like he's 32.
- Tom, I need you
to get your uniform together
and get out there.
- Oh, do people tuck it in?
- Yes, they tuck it in.
- I prefer to not tuck,
if that's an option.
- [sighs]
- Whoo whoo!
Come on, Tom!
You can do it, buddy!
- Oh, my God.
This old bag again?
- I'm here supporting my son.
- I thought
you went home and died.
- Just ignore the lunatic
from the recital, baby.
She is drunk on chardonnay,
and she is begging
to get slapped.
- Let's go, kids!
Let's go!
Let's go, Tom.
- Strike one!
- Whoa!
Is that--is that legal?
- Throwing the ball?
Yes.
- This kid's a monster.
Whoa!
- Strike two!
- Oh, my God.
That could have killed me.
- That could have killed you.
It was pretty fast.
- All right,
let's all slow it down,
and uh, let's do this again.
- Mm.
Oh, no.
Whoops.
- What just happened?
You okay?
- Can I have a quick word?
- Uh, yeah, it's not like
anything important's happening.
- It's not a big deal, but I'm
gonna need a change of pants.
- Okay.
- I can't imagine you have
extra pants on you, do you?
- What, you don't like
the pants you're wearing?
- I just pooped--
I just pooped my pants.
- Oh.
- I told you he was
pitching too fast.
The whole thing's
very stressful.
I'm used to more
of a bassoon atmosphere.
- Okay, listen.
This happens quite a lot.
We have a way to handle
this kind of situation.
- Thank you.
I appreciate that.
- You're outta here!
- Wait, what?
- Player ejected!
- Stop.
- Pooped his pants!
- He's kidding.
- This guy right here
pooped his pants!
- Okay, I just want
to say for the record,
there was
some false reassurance.
- It's in the rule book.
Rule number 33B,
"No player shall defecate
"his or her uniform
or defecate the uniforms
of another player."
You're outta here!
Take a seat!
- [clapping]
You're doing great, Tom!
Don't say a word, lady.
Don't you dare say a word.
[bell rings]
- Pooped your pants?
Pooped your pants?
Tom, this is a disaster!
- People noticed?
People noticed that?
- Of course they noticed.
It's all
everybody's talking about.
- You know what?
I'm going to quit.
I'm going to quit baseball.
- You can't quit.
You gotta redeem yourself.
Otherwise, this is how people
gonna remember you,
and you'll drag me down
with you.
- Hey, little dudes, lean in.
- Oh, God.
- You can play baseball.
All you need is
a little confidence boost.
- What?
- A little juice.
A little Vitamin S.
- I know we leaned in for this,
but I'm totally lost.
- A little bit of muscle pop.
- I think he's talking
about 'roids, Tom.
- What, what?
- And I like
where this is going.
- That's right.
- I'm not doing steroids.
- Come on, man.
- I don't want to cheat.
- It's not cheating
if everybody does it.
All the pros do it.
I bet even the managers
are doing it at this point.
- It just sounds very shady.
[tires screech]
- Tom!
- All right,
you don't have to stop.
- This is
what we're going to do.
Hide under a seat in the back.
- Okay.
- When I drop off
that girl with the braces,
you're free to come
out of your hiding spot.
We're going to drive
past the county line,
and we're gonna meet
my buddy Glenn.
He's gonna give us the stuff,
we are right as rain.
- That goes against
so many of my mom's rules
I can't even tell you.
- Listen,
rule number one of drug deals.
Don't get your mom involved.
I learned that the hard way.
[electronic music]
- Right out of the gate,
why does this guy
have a bag on his head?
- I'm a future franchise owner.
I don't support "'roids."
- Just act cool.
Glenn is on his way out here
with the soft pretzels.
- Soft pretzels?
I thought we're here for drugs.
- Shh, at these things,
we use code words.
Soft pretzels means drugs.
- Oh, I like that.
That sounds legit.
- Coincidentally,
I am also treating you guys
to soft pretzels.
- Wait, shouldn't we pick
a different code word?
- Well, we can't change it now.
That would make it
even more complicated.
- This is complete chaos.
- Woot woot!
Ah, what's up, players?
- Please don't tell me
this is Glenn.
- King of the food court,
you know what I'm saying?
Straight up.
- Don't have a good feeling
about this guy at all.
- This dude's the king
of the mall.
Bow before him.
- Hell, yeah.
Anybody want
some soft pretzels?
Wink wink.
- What's happening?
These are pretzels,
or these are drugs?
I'm not following.
- It's the juice to get loose
on the diamond, dog.
- Juice?
Is that an expression or--
- It'll make you hard
as a diamond on the diamond.
You know what I'm saying?
- I'm not tracking any of this.
- Conseco-style, dog.
- Conseco?
- There's going to be so
many girls at the ballpark,
dog, they're going to
have to call a rain delay
because it's going to
get so wet in there.
Straight up.
- What the hell's happening,
Tom?
It's hard to track
the story from under here.
- Okay, just act natural
as I discreetly
stuff the junk
into Tom's backpack.
Glenn, cover me.
- I got your six, player.
Eyes and ears in motion.
- What kind of cheap-ass
backpack is this, Tom?
- It was a gift
from my grandmother.
It's not high quality.
- Man, your bag
smells like Sun Chips.
- This drug deal
is off the rails.
- Oh, look!
It's Tom, from band!
- Oh, no.
- What's going on here, Tom?
- I'm just hanging out
here with my friends.
This is,
uh, my buddy, the bus driver.
- Hi, how you doing?
- And this is Nelson.
- Nice to meet you.
- And I believe
this guy's name is Glenn.
- Hooking my boy up
with some snacks,
not leaving tracks,
straight up.
- This is why I don't
like you talking to him.
It's this kind of stuff,
right here.
- I'm watching you, Tom,
and wherever you go,
someone will be watching.
- Okay.
- Guess who's
gonna be watching?
- Got to assume
it's you, right?
- Don't talk back to me.
- Oh, yeah.
That is how you swing a bat.
- Tom.
- Hey, coach.
- Look at you.
You are amped for this game.
- Feeling confident,
feeling loose.
- Tom, look at me right now.
I can't put you in.
- Oh, no.
I have to play.
- You didn't have what
we'd call a "strong debut."
- Oh, no.
Come on.
I'm a new man.
Look at my body.
- Listen, you can't.
- Coach,
you gotta let me play
or I'm gonna slap you
in your face.
I'm gonna slap you right now.
- I'm sorry.
- I say the kid plays.
- Who--
Okay, who are you?
- Hi, I'm Nelson, new owner.
- This is adorable, but
you can't "own" one of these.
This is more of like a--
it's like a sponsorship.
- My name's on the shirt.
Look down.
Now look up.
Let's not get into semantics.
Suit up, baby.
You're going in.
- Thank you.
- So you just--
you're just going to
listen to him like that?
- It seems like he's the owner,
from what I'm being told.
[light applause]
- All right, here we go.
- Strike one
for the pants pooper!
- You don't have to
keep bringing that up.
We've all moved on.
- The memory still lingers.
- All right.
- Strike two,
for Shitty Shitty Pants Pants.
- That's crossing the line.
- What would you prefer?
- I know it got a laugh,
but it's crossing the line.
- Look.
I apologize.
- All right, here we go.
Come on, Tom.
You can do this.
We are all juiced up
and ready for action.
[bat cracks]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[car alarm blares]
- And that one is out of here!
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, I'm on top of the world.
What a day.
Best day of my life.
Thanks, Ma.
- I'm proud of you, buddy!
- Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Stop clapping.
And put him down.
Does no one else find it
suspicious that this kid
with this body
just hit a home run?
I want him tested for
performance-enhancing drugs,
right now.
- What?
- Wait, what?
both: Drugs?
- Are you out of your mind?
My Tom's a great kid.
- Oh, if he's such a great kid,
let's see him whip out his dong
and give us a urine sample.
- Can you say dong
at a little league game?
I wasn't aware
you can say that.
- [clears throat]
- [coughs]
- Come on, Tom, whip it out.
- You know what?
I don't think this
is going to go away.
I, uh, I've got
a confession to make.
I did drugs.
I'm all jacked up on 'roids.
- I knew it!
- Tom, no!
- That's why I look
so freakishly muscular.
- Um, those weren't drugs, Tom.
- Where did you come from?
- They were
mint flavored Mentos.
- Oh, those are my favorite.
- Yes, they're delicious.
They're not quite candy,
and they're not quite mints.
- No, if they weren't drugs,
why would I shove them
up my butt every six hours?
- I don't know
who told you that, Tom.
All I know is,
I saw a child
who was struggling
and needed a confidence boost.
So...
- What's happening?
- I let him believe the drugs
were real,
but it was really you
all along.
You had the power inside you.
all: Aw.
- Aww?
Don't say "aww".
This maniac staged
a fake drug deal!
- Yeah, but Tom, his heart
was in the right place.
- What a great guy.
- Seriously, what a hero!
- Free drinks
for the bus driver on me!
Let's do it!
Woot woot!
crowd: Yeah!
- You're carrying him away?
- I'm tearing up right now.
- That feels like a bit much.
- This was a terrible
season opener for the Nelsons.
Man, this is a bad investment.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
- [sighs]
I'm not complaining, Tom,
but you clearly said,
"Come over.
I'm having a pool party."
- I mean, pool, hose.
Same thing, Right?
- There's no such thing
as a hose party.
I've never heard
of a hose party.
- It's not a great turnout.
I mean, I'll admit that.
- Look, man, I might take off.
It's hard to picture
this party
taking a turn for the better.
- Yeah.
- Take off?
Oh, no, please, no, please.
[jolly music]
- [gasps] What is that?
Do you hear that?
- Uh-oh.
- Ice cream man!
- All right, here we go.
I don't have money.
Can I borrow?
- Sorry, Tom.
With all due respect, man,
I just don't think
you're good for it.
- You don't think
I'm good for the money?
- Yeah.
- Dakota?
- No, my mom would never
let me, she'd flip.
- Please, she's wealthy.
She won't miss it.
- Tom, she doesn't like you
and your quote "ilk,"
and you know that.
- She doesn't like me
and my ilk?
- She thinks I'm
at ballet right now.
- All right, you know what?
I'll hit up my mom.
I'll meet you there.
Tell the guy to wait.
- I make no promises!
- Let's go!
Let's go, baby!
- Mom, real quick, I need
$1.25 for the ice cream man.
Don't ask any questions.
Just give me the purse.
Go, go, go!
- What is this?
A bank robbery in the old west?
"Give me the purse?"
- Mom, please,
this is an emergency.
- Well, I'm sorry,
but we can't afford it.
- We can't afford $1.25?
Everybody can.
- Except for us.
I gotta tell you something.
Come here
and sit on Mommy's lap.
- Sit on Mommy's lap?
- Yeah.
- I knew this wasn't gonna be
easy.
It's never easy.
- Ice cream man.
My favorite person!
I'll take a fudgsicle.
- Oh, oh!
Me, too.
Fudgy fudgy fudgy!
- No, me first, me first!
- Whoa, whoa.
Right out of the gate,
I need you guys to take
the energy down, like, 90%.
- Why?
- All day long with the kids
and the excitement.
I'm ready to blow
my brains out in here.
- What?
Why are you so grouchy?
You've got the dream job.
- Here's the thing, Rambo.
- Rambo?
- What?
- Life is a lot like ice cream.
It starts out sweet,
but then it gets sticky.
- Oh.
- [sighs]
And then you die.
- Wow.
- This is the worst
ice cream man banter
I've ever heard.
- What did you guys want?
- I'm not even in the mood
for this anymore.
- Was it a fudgsicle?
And what did you want?
- [sighs]
Okay.
- Is the lap necessary?
- I need to know
if you're familiar
with the phrase
"philandering rat."
- It doesn't come up
too often, no.
- Um, hoo.
I've gotta tell you,
your dad is not
on a business trip to London.
- Okay.
What's he doing?
- He's going to dance clubs.
- Dance clubs.
What?
- With someone named Tina
in Myrtle Beach.
She's a masseuse.
- Oh, that's a lot to take in.
You know, that actually
makes more sense.
I never knew why
they'd fly a plumber
to London for a month.
- I was highly adrenalized
when I made that lie up.
- They wouldn't do it.
- If I'm in London,
and I want a plumber,
I don't want some American guy.
- It's a regional job,
in general.
- It was a terrible lie.
There are not a lot
of international plumbers,
and I panicked.
- So we're poor,
is what you're saying?
- We're kind of poor now,
buddy,
but I'm gonna make you
this promise.
- Okay.
- I promise you
if you work hard, and you
earn that money for yourself,
you can buy
all the ice cream you want.
- What's the--
what's the promise exactly?
You won't interfere
with me earning my own money?
- That is my vow to you.
- If you're serious,
I can sell you the dinosaur
and the machine that makes
fart noises for $1.50.
Just mull it over.
I'll be here if you need me.
- A garage sale?
What is this, the 1950s?
- 1950s?
No, what's going on?
- You tell me, man.
You look pathetic out here.
- Pathetic?
- I can't have my man, Tom,
out here--
- I've got the table,
I've got the sign.
I need to earn money,
or this is going to be
the worst summer ever.
I can't even afford ice cream.
- Man, we gotta do a GoFundMe.
- GoFundMe?
What's that?
- You take some pictures and
write "Tom's Ice Cream Fund:
I'm too poor
to enjoy my summer."
Then, boom!
Money comes in.
- Just free money?
- Free money!
Give me your phone.
- I don't--
I don't have a phone.
- Come on, Tom!
- Don't act surprised.
- You still don't have a phone?
- I never got one.
- How are you gonna
make it in this world?
- I just run around and play.
- I've got two phones.
One of mine is for checking in
with my parents.
This is for doing weird stuff.
- We're using
the weird one then.
- Yeah, let's take some pics.
Stand by the garbage can.
- Garbage?
No.
- Come on, man!
- All right, how's that?
- Come on,
slouch a little more.
- Slouch?
- When we write
this description,
people gotta feel sad for you.
- All right, how's this?
- Yes, baby, now we talking!
- You like what you're seeing?
- Yeah, I like what I'm seeing.
Hey, get in the trash can.
- Get in the can?
- In the can.
- How's that?
- This is it, baby.
- You like this?
- I love it.
Take that chicken
and smear it on your face.
- This is going to make people
buy ice cream for me?
- Nibble.
I need a nibble.
- Nibble?
No.
- I need you to appear hungry.
- Like I'm hungry?
- Like you're hungry,
but you gotta
save some for later.
- So I'm just--I'm starving,
but I'm just nibbling to--
- Now look up.
Make prayer hands.
There you go.
We finna make some money now.
- Just make me look good.
If my mom sees this, she wants
me to look presentable.
[somber music]
- Tom is sleeping
in a dumpster?
- Eating old chicken
from garbage cans?
- He's working in a coal mine?
I didn't even know
they had those here.
- Oh, listen.
Not on my watch.
- Where's my wallet at?
- Not on my watch.
- A street urchin?
That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
- Nelson?
- Yo, what's up, man?
- Nelson, I'm not happy.
- Again?
What's going on?
- What did you write
in the fundraiser?
- Oh, man, just the basics.
You know, lack of funds,
et cetera, et cetera.
- Lack of funds?
Did you maybe say that
I'm an unbathed street urchin
who sleeps in a dumpster
and eats leftover chicken?
- I might have slipped that in
just for effect.
- You might have slipped it in?
- Before you get mad, look.
Take a look at this tally.
- What's this?
- Six Gs!
- Six Gs?
That's too many Gs.
We only asked
for "some ice cream money."
- Yeah, this is
"some ice cream money."
- No, Nelson.
We have to give it back.
I mean, if you go
past the goal, you have to--
- We can't give it back, man.
We could go to jail for fraud.
- You have
to give something back.
You gotta give at least
four Gs back.
- Hey, Dad.
If you make extra money
on a fundraiser,
let's say, for ice cream,
do you get to keep it?
- Of course.
Just spend the money
on "ice cream-related items."
- Ice cream-related items?
- Yeah, you know,
like cones and sprinkles.
Anything that's
ice cream-related.
- That's what I thought.
- Honestly, from what
I've observed in my years,
this sounds like embezzlement.
- Embezzlement?
We kids, man.
That falls under the category
of "summertime hijinks."
- Summertime hijinks.
All right,
that sounds like fun.
- What do you think?
We're going all ice cream or
we're gonna get some pudding?
Or what--what do we--
- Spoons.
- Multiple spoons.
- Hey.
- Multiple cups.
- Hey, hello.
- Napkins.
- Ice cream as far
as the eye can see.
- Hello, hi.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, buddy.
Are you going to buy anything?
- Tom, he wants to know
if we're gonna buy anything.
- That makes me chuckle.
- What are we not buying?
That's the question.
- Okay, I don't know
what's going on here,
but I've got a line
of customers behind you, so--
- You call those customers?
What you got?
What you got?
Skittles?
That's it?
We real customers.
Those are small potatoes.
- Let's start with $6,000
worth of Klondike bars.
- Wrap them up.
- We don't keep that many
Klondike bars in stock.
If you buy that whole shelf,
it's $40.
- Call someone.
- Call Klondike?
- What, you scared?
Give me Klondike's number.
I'll call them.
- I'm not scared
to call Klondike.
- This guy's scared to call.
- This is such
a weird challenge
from two children.
- What part of six Gs
do you not understand?
- I'm a cashier.
It doesn't matter
how much money you have.
- Wait, whoa, whoa.
So you don't own the place?
- You don't own 7-Eleven?
- No!
Do I look like
an owner of anything?
- I don't think
we've got a deal.
I think we're at an impasse.
- Man, they don't make cashiers
like they used to.
- Okay, so remember, Tom,
no matter how tough things get,
we always make time for church.
- Do we?
We've literally
never done this.
- Since your dad
took off with the floozy,
this is our PR move.
- Oh.
- Single mom with her son.
It's a classic.
- But we sing the songs
and say the prayers or we--
- When it's written
in the book, you sing it.
If you don't know it, just go:
♪ Ah, na, na, na, na, na ♪
- Oh, okay.
It's just for show.
- Mm-hmm, yep.
- We're mouthing it.
- Hi, Tom.
I wanted to give you this.
I just found out
that you're a street urchin.
- Oh, thank you, Yasmine.
That's very, uh, very kind.
- What was that all about?
- Uh, I'm in a school play.
I'm playing the street urchin.
- Oh.
Would have been nice to know.
- Good morning, congregation.
Good morning, friends.
Today we're going
to talk about compassion.
We have some new members here,
and we want them
to know that no one
looks down on them
because they sleep
in a filthy dumpster.
As we know from the Bible
in the book of Thomas,
God loves all types
of families.
Single mothers with one child.
- Is he talking about us?
- No, I can't imagine.
- He looks down on them
and blesses them
while they nibble
on an old chicken bone
that they found
on the side of the street.
- Is he pointing at us?
- Us?
No.
- God loves this family.
God hopes
that they suck the marrow
from that old chicken bone.
- Tom,
what did you tell people?
- He's just making stuff up.
You know, I gotta get going.
I gotta use the bathroom.
I'm gonna run home real quick.
- Right now?
- I'm not comfortable urinating
with the Lord watching.
- What?
No, Tom, you're not leaving.
- All right,
I'll use the church bathroom.
If I don't come back at all,
just don't even worry about it.
- What?
Tom, Tom!
[dramatic music]
- Listen, we need
to unload the money now.
- Tom.
- Right now.
My mom's going to find out
what we did.
She's onto it.
- Tom, listen to yourself.
Breathe.
Who's in charge here?
- Who's in charge?
Me.
I'm wearing a suit.
I'm the boss.
- Don't pull
the suit card on me.
- I'm just saying.
- There's no dress code
in corporate America
these days.
- Listen,
in the next half hour,
I want the money off the books,
like we never had it.
[jolly music]
- That's it!
The ultimate
ice cream-related item.
- I'm not following.
What do you want to buy?
You want
to buy some fudgsicles?
- Brother,
we buying the whole truck.
- Oh.
- Look at her.
- That is the ultimate ice
cream-related item, isn't it?
- Ah, great.
More kids looking
for a sugar high.
- We have a proposal.
You sitting down?
- Do I look like--I'm
standing in the fucking truck.
I'm not sitting down.
What's your proposal?
- In general,
we've got some funds
that we need
to get off the books.
- We got six grand.
- Hmm.
- You clearly hate this job
and are very disgruntled.
- Ah.
Very perceptive.
- The truck that is now yours,
would become ours.
I know you're thinking--
- Done.
- Done?
Wow.
That was a little easier
than I thought.
- Done!
Anything to get out.
I'll sell it to little kids.
I don't give a fuck.
- I mean, you still
gotta drive it though.
We don't have any licenses yet.
- I love it.
It's a deal.
- This is great.
- Yeah, whoo-hoo!
- Okay, here's what
we're going to do.
I'll go call Geico
and write up the bill of sale.
- Nice.
- You stay here with the truck.
Can I leave you
in charge for a minute?
- I'll leave myself in charge.
I'm kind of the boss, but sure.
- Okay, if that makes you
feel, uh, good.
- The best two days of an
ice cream truck owner's life?
The day you buy it
and the day you sell it.
- Uh, excuse me.
Hi, we've been waiting
for 10 minutes, I'd say.
- Listen, toots.
I'm on a smoke break.
- Did you just call me toots?
I want to speak to the manager.
Who do I call?
- He's right here.
- Shh, shh, shh!
- The manager's in the truck?
- No.
- The manager and owner.
- Shut up!
- Tom, stop hiding.
- Tom?
- These ladies want
to file a complaint.
- Tom!
Tom, is that you?
- Oh, hey!
Yeah, I'm in here.
- I thought you had no money.
Now your family owns
an ice cream truck?
- Drive, drive, drive!
Drive or you're fired.
- All right, here we go.
- Bye, Tom.
[rock music]
- Oh, my God.
This is not good.
All right, let me think.
Think, Tom.
Think, boss.
What would Nelson do?
What would Nelson do?
You know what?
Here it is.
If there's no truck,
I can deny it all.
Executive decision,
we gotta sink it.
- You sure about that?
- I see literally no options.
We need to submerge the truck
in the river.
What do you think?
You like that idea?
- Whatever you want, man.
It's your show.
- So it's a good idea?
- I love it.
- All right, I feel
like it's a unanimous decision.
- Two to zero.
- Nelson's not here.
All right, we got the votes.
♪ ♪
- Oh, beloved truck,
thank you for the good times
you've given to the children
over many summers,
of yesteryear and days of yore.
You have caused much,
much happiness--
- But also much sorrow
and pain.
- You've also caused
much sorrow and pain
for many people.
- Great pain.
- You've really ruined
many lives.
- Soul-searing pain.
- And on that note,
we bid you farewell.
- Preach.
- [sighs]
Wow.
- You're officially a man now.
- Thank you.
- You sank
your first ice cream truck.
- Tom!
What the hell are you doing?
- What am I doing?
We sank the truck.
- I left you in charge
for one hour.
- Listen, we had no choice.
- No choice.
- No options whatsoever.
My mom was going to find out.
I pulled the trigger.
I said we gotta sink it.
- We could've just
signed over the title.
You know,
written up a bill of sale.
- Oh.
- I didn't think of that.
- We could have just
hid the truck
for a few months
and filed an insurance claim.
- Those are all good ideas.
- So many options.
- Ah, man, maybe I'm not
leadership material after all.
This is, uh--
- You think?
- Not a good debut.
- Okay, dudes.
You owe me $5,000 for the
truck, $800 for inventory,
and $200
for miscellaneous expenses.
- All right, pay the man.
- Um, about that.
The GoFundMe
is in my dad's account.
I just knew the password.
- Come again?
- I have no way
to get you the actual funds.
- [sighs]
All right,
this is the last time
I go into business
with two 10-year-olds.
- I don't even know why
you did it in the first place.
- It was surprising
how quickly he agreed.
- When he said,
"Done," I was like, "Oh.
Oh, we're really doing this."
- Yeah.
That caught me off guard too.
- ♪ Remember there's
more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ And patterns to contemplate,
more people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's
a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is
the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow
we can float anywhere ♪
"Amazing Grace"]
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God.
This is just painful.
The kid on that bassoon
is ruining the whole thing.
- Who, me?
What's happening?
- My daughter, Dakota,
practiced very hard for this.
- Dakota, say something.
Your mom's out of control.
- I'm kinda in a tough spot
here, Tom, sorry.
- Hey, lady!
- Oh, no.
- How about you mind
your own business?
- Ma, sit down.
- My son plays bassoon
like an angel.
- Yeah, well,
he's a sucky little angel,
and he sucks at bassoon.
- Oh, is this the day I fist
fight in front of my child?
- Ladies, please,
let's be civil.
Tom, play us a quick solo
to show everyone how hard
you've been practicing.
- There's no such thing
as a bassoon solo.
That's why
I chose the instrument.
- Just play anything.
Stravinsky's Fifth in G minor.
- I have too much respect for
my craft and for Stravinsky.
I won't do it.
- Have you studied anything?
Just play something.
- Okay, fine.
Here's a little of, uh,
Beyonce's
"All the Single Ladies."
Let me bang
this out real quick.
[bassoon buzzing]
- Oh, my God.
[bassoon buzzing]
- Happy now?
- ♪ Now as our poor young
lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up ♪
♪ Those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling
that we're lost ♪
♪ Will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanation ♪
♪ Can't expect ♪
♪ Our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth ♪
♪ We can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow ♪
♪ We can float anywhere ♪
[bell rings]
- Hey, gang.
This is your principal here.
Listen, due to budget cuts,
we are now accepting
paid ads
during
the morning announcements.
So remember, you're not
old enough to drink,
but when you are,
you'll like the smooth taste
of Grey Goose.
All right,
that felt completely wrong.
We'll revisit that.
[knocking]
- Hey.
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Hey, buddy.
- You know why I called
you in here, right?
- I don't know,
just general chit chat?
- Well, I'm getting
a lot of complaints
about the bassoon incident.
- Complaints?
- They say
you're "dead weight."
- Dead weight?
- One parent called you
"an albatross."
- Is that good or bad?
- Listen,
I was hoping you'd give up band
and try something different,
like baseball.
- Oh no,
I'm more of a bassoon guy.
- What does that even mean?
- I love sitting in
the background
with a large,
nondescript instrument,
just flapping my lips
willy nilly.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- I want you to listen
to what I'm saying.
There's defining moments
in your life
that if you listen,
it'll change your whole life.
I played the tuba as a kid,
and look where it got me now.
- You seem
like you're doing great.
- I'm lonely, I'm overweight,
and I'm a light stealer.
I light steal.
There, I said it.
- You steal things?
- Not, like,
literally in my pocket,
but I leave things
under the basket,
I put it up against the side,
hope they don't see it.
- Oh.
- Is that what
you want to turn into?
- I mean, you're not selling me
on the whole lifestyle, no.
- Just give it some thought.
That's all I ask.
- Hey, Tom, what's up, man?
- Hey, Nelson.
- Hey, you want
to come over later?
- Nah, I've got
a lot on my mind.
- A lot on your mind?
You're 10!
These are
the glory years, baby.
- These are the glory years?
- Yeah.
Once we hit our teens,
we're old.
What's up, man?
Talk to me, baby.
- The principal says
I need to decide
between bassoon and baseball.
- That's a tough decision.
- You playing baseball?
- Hell, no.
My dad encourages me
to be an owner, not a player.
- Not like a fun childhood,
but--
- Baseball players
get way more action.
- Who are you talking to?
Me?
- I'm talking to everybody
within earshot.
- What's action?
I'm not familiar
with the phrase.
- Tail.
- Tail?
- Trim.
Don't make me say pussy, guys!
There's kids on this bus.
- Hey, whoa!
- That's the word from TV.
- Why are
you talking about sex?
I'm not even interested
in girls yet.
- I'm just trying to help,
because I know
bassoon players
are basically celibate.
- I think
you got your facts wrong.
- They basically live
like monks.
- Take it back.
- I'm not taking it back.
Bassoon players,
they get nothing.
Baseball players
are swimming in ladies.
- Psst, Tom.
- Yeah?
- This bus driver is literally
the coolest guy we know.
If he says play baseball,
you gotta play baseball.
- You think he's cool?
- Hell, yeah,
I think he's cool.
- I like this kid.
You've got a stage whisper,
they call it.
- You heard all that?
- I have sharp ears.
I am the ear equivalent
to a sharpshooter assassin.
[crowd cheering]
- Let's go, guys.
Jimmy, Chris, eye of the tiger!
Stop looking like
a fool out there.
Come on!
You're making a fool of me!
- Hey, coach?
- Wh--Tom!
- Hey, coach.
- Hey, buddy.
- Am I in the right place?
- Tom, you are
obviously in the--Chris!
Would you move back!
- Oh, my God.
- You are in the right place.
You ready?
- No, these kids seem
a little bigger than me.
- Yes, they're a little big.
Parents hold them back
for size advantage, it's fine.
- The pitcher
is literally shaving.
- I mean,
he did drive to the game,
and he's a little hairy.
- The kid looks like he's 32.
- Tom, I need you
to get your uniform together
and get out there.
- Oh, do people tuck it in?
- Yes, they tuck it in.
- I prefer to not tuck,
if that's an option.
- [sighs]
- Whoo whoo!
Come on, Tom!
You can do it, buddy!
- Oh, my God.
This old bag again?
- I'm here supporting my son.
- I thought
you went home and died.
- Just ignore the lunatic
from the recital, baby.
She is drunk on chardonnay,
and she is begging
to get slapped.
- Let's go, kids!
Let's go!
Let's go, Tom.
- Strike one!
- Whoa!
Is that--is that legal?
- Throwing the ball?
Yes.
- This kid's a monster.
Whoa!
- Strike two!
- Oh, my God.
That could have killed me.
- That could have killed you.
It was pretty fast.
- All right,
let's all slow it down,
and uh, let's do this again.
- Mm.
Oh, no.
Whoops.
- What just happened?
You okay?
- Can I have a quick word?
- Uh, yeah, it's not like
anything important's happening.
- It's not a big deal, but I'm
gonna need a change of pants.
- Okay.
- I can't imagine you have
extra pants on you, do you?
- What, you don't like
the pants you're wearing?
- I just pooped--
I just pooped my pants.
- Oh.
- I told you he was
pitching too fast.
The whole thing's
very stressful.
I'm used to more
of a bassoon atmosphere.
- Okay, listen.
This happens quite a lot.
We have a way to handle
this kind of situation.
- Thank you.
I appreciate that.
- You're outta here!
- Wait, what?
- Player ejected!
- Stop.
- Pooped his pants!
- He's kidding.
- This guy right here
pooped his pants!
- Okay, I just want
to say for the record,
there was
some false reassurance.
- It's in the rule book.
Rule number 33B,
"No player shall defecate
"his or her uniform
or defecate the uniforms
of another player."
You're outta here!
Take a seat!
- [clapping]
You're doing great, Tom!
Don't say a word, lady.
Don't you dare say a word.
[bell rings]
- Pooped your pants?
Pooped your pants?
Tom, this is a disaster!
- People noticed?
People noticed that?
- Of course they noticed.
It's all
everybody's talking about.
- You know what?
I'm going to quit.
I'm going to quit baseball.
- You can't quit.
You gotta redeem yourself.
Otherwise, this is how people
gonna remember you,
and you'll drag me down
with you.
- Hey, little dudes, lean in.
- Oh, God.
- You can play baseball.
All you need is
a little confidence boost.
- What?
- A little juice.
A little Vitamin S.
- I know we leaned in for this,
but I'm totally lost.
- A little bit of muscle pop.
- I think he's talking
about 'roids, Tom.
- What, what?
- And I like
where this is going.
- That's right.
- I'm not doing steroids.
- Come on, man.
- I don't want to cheat.
- It's not cheating
if everybody does it.
All the pros do it.
I bet even the managers
are doing it at this point.
- It just sounds very shady.
[tires screech]
- Tom!
- All right,
you don't have to stop.
- This is
what we're going to do.
Hide under a seat in the back.
- Okay.
- When I drop off
that girl with the braces,
you're free to come
out of your hiding spot.
We're going to drive
past the county line,
and we're gonna meet
my buddy Glenn.
He's gonna give us the stuff,
we are right as rain.
- That goes against
so many of my mom's rules
I can't even tell you.
- Listen,
rule number one of drug deals.
Don't get your mom involved.
I learned that the hard way.
[electronic music]
- Right out of the gate,
why does this guy
have a bag on his head?
- I'm a future franchise owner.
I don't support "'roids."
- Just act cool.
Glenn is on his way out here
with the soft pretzels.
- Soft pretzels?
I thought we're here for drugs.
- Shh, at these things,
we use code words.
Soft pretzels means drugs.
- Oh, I like that.
That sounds legit.
- Coincidentally,
I am also treating you guys
to soft pretzels.
- Wait, shouldn't we pick
a different code word?
- Well, we can't change it now.
That would make it
even more complicated.
- This is complete chaos.
- Woot woot!
Ah, what's up, players?
- Please don't tell me
this is Glenn.
- King of the food court,
you know what I'm saying?
Straight up.
- Don't have a good feeling
about this guy at all.
- This dude's the king
of the mall.
Bow before him.
- Hell, yeah.
Anybody want
some soft pretzels?
Wink wink.
- What's happening?
These are pretzels,
or these are drugs?
I'm not following.
- It's the juice to get loose
on the diamond, dog.
- Juice?
Is that an expression or--
- It'll make you hard
as a diamond on the diamond.
You know what I'm saying?
- I'm not tracking any of this.
- Conseco-style, dog.
- Conseco?
- There's going to be so
many girls at the ballpark,
dog, they're going to
have to call a rain delay
because it's going to
get so wet in there.
Straight up.
- What the hell's happening,
Tom?
It's hard to track
the story from under here.
- Okay, just act natural
as I discreetly
stuff the junk
into Tom's backpack.
Glenn, cover me.
- I got your six, player.
Eyes and ears in motion.
- What kind of cheap-ass
backpack is this, Tom?
- It was a gift
from my grandmother.
It's not high quality.
- Man, your bag
smells like Sun Chips.
- This drug deal
is off the rails.
- Oh, look!
It's Tom, from band!
- Oh, no.
- What's going on here, Tom?
- I'm just hanging out
here with my friends.
This is,
uh, my buddy, the bus driver.
- Hi, how you doing?
- And this is Nelson.
- Nice to meet you.
- And I believe
this guy's name is Glenn.
- Hooking my boy up
with some snacks,
not leaving tracks,
straight up.
- This is why I don't
like you talking to him.
It's this kind of stuff,
right here.
- I'm watching you, Tom,
and wherever you go,
someone will be watching.
- Okay.
- Guess who's
gonna be watching?
- Got to assume
it's you, right?
- Don't talk back to me.
- Oh, yeah.
That is how you swing a bat.
- Tom.
- Hey, coach.
- Look at you.
You are amped for this game.
- Feeling confident,
feeling loose.
- Tom, look at me right now.
I can't put you in.
- Oh, no.
I have to play.
- You didn't have what
we'd call a "strong debut."
- Oh, no.
Come on.
I'm a new man.
Look at my body.
- Listen, you can't.
- Coach,
you gotta let me play
or I'm gonna slap you
in your face.
I'm gonna slap you right now.
- I'm sorry.
- I say the kid plays.
- Who--
Okay, who are you?
- Hi, I'm Nelson, new owner.
- This is adorable, but
you can't "own" one of these.
This is more of like a--
it's like a sponsorship.
- My name's on the shirt.
Look down.
Now look up.
Let's not get into semantics.
Suit up, baby.
You're going in.
- Thank you.
- So you just--
you're just going to
listen to him like that?
- It seems like he's the owner,
from what I'm being told.
[light applause]
- All right, here we go.
- Strike one
for the pants pooper!
- You don't have to
keep bringing that up.
We've all moved on.
- The memory still lingers.
- All right.
- Strike two,
for Shitty Shitty Pants Pants.
- That's crossing the line.
- What would you prefer?
- I know it got a laugh,
but it's crossing the line.
- Look.
I apologize.
- All right, here we go.
Come on, Tom.
You can do this.
We are all juiced up
and ready for action.
[bat cracks]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[car alarm blares]
- And that one is out of here!
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, I'm on top of the world.
What a day.
Best day of my life.
Thanks, Ma.
- I'm proud of you, buddy!
- Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Stop clapping.
And put him down.
Does no one else find it
suspicious that this kid
with this body
just hit a home run?
I want him tested for
performance-enhancing drugs,
right now.
- What?
- Wait, what?
both: Drugs?
- Are you out of your mind?
My Tom's a great kid.
- Oh, if he's such a great kid,
let's see him whip out his dong
and give us a urine sample.
- Can you say dong
at a little league game?
I wasn't aware
you can say that.
- [clears throat]
- [coughs]
- Come on, Tom, whip it out.
- You know what?
I don't think this
is going to go away.
I, uh, I've got
a confession to make.
I did drugs.
I'm all jacked up on 'roids.
- I knew it!
- Tom, no!
- That's why I look
so freakishly muscular.
- Um, those weren't drugs, Tom.
- Where did you come from?
- They were
mint flavored Mentos.
- Oh, those are my favorite.
- Yes, they're delicious.
They're not quite candy,
and they're not quite mints.
- No, if they weren't drugs,
why would I shove them
up my butt every six hours?
- I don't know
who told you that, Tom.
All I know is,
I saw a child
who was struggling
and needed a confidence boost.
So...
- What's happening?
- I let him believe the drugs
were real,
but it was really you
all along.
You had the power inside you.
all: Aw.
- Aww?
Don't say "aww".
This maniac staged
a fake drug deal!
- Yeah, but Tom, his heart
was in the right place.
- What a great guy.
- Seriously, what a hero!
- Free drinks
for the bus driver on me!
Let's do it!
Woot woot!
crowd: Yeah!
- You're carrying him away?
- I'm tearing up right now.
- That feels like a bit much.
- This was a terrible
season opener for the Nelsons.
Man, this is a bad investment.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
- [sighs]
I'm not complaining, Tom,
but you clearly said,
"Come over.
I'm having a pool party."
- I mean, pool, hose.
Same thing, Right?
- There's no such thing
as a hose party.
I've never heard
of a hose party.
- It's not a great turnout.
I mean, I'll admit that.
- Look, man, I might take off.
It's hard to picture
this party
taking a turn for the better.
- Yeah.
- Take off?
Oh, no, please, no, please.
[jolly music]
- [gasps] What is that?
Do you hear that?
- Uh-oh.
- Ice cream man!
- All right, here we go.
I don't have money.
Can I borrow?
- Sorry, Tom.
With all due respect, man,
I just don't think
you're good for it.
- You don't think
I'm good for the money?
- Yeah.
- Dakota?
- No, my mom would never
let me, she'd flip.
- Please, she's wealthy.
She won't miss it.
- Tom, she doesn't like you
and your quote "ilk,"
and you know that.
- She doesn't like me
and my ilk?
- She thinks I'm
at ballet right now.
- All right, you know what?
I'll hit up my mom.
I'll meet you there.
Tell the guy to wait.
- I make no promises!
- Let's go!
Let's go, baby!
- Mom, real quick, I need
$1.25 for the ice cream man.
Don't ask any questions.
Just give me the purse.
Go, go, go!
- What is this?
A bank robbery in the old west?
"Give me the purse?"
- Mom, please,
this is an emergency.
- Well, I'm sorry,
but we can't afford it.
- We can't afford $1.25?
Everybody can.
- Except for us.
I gotta tell you something.
Come here
and sit on Mommy's lap.
- Sit on Mommy's lap?
- Yeah.
- I knew this wasn't gonna be
easy.
It's never easy.
- Ice cream man.
My favorite person!
I'll take a fudgsicle.
- Oh, oh!
Me, too.
Fudgy fudgy fudgy!
- No, me first, me first!
- Whoa, whoa.
Right out of the gate,
I need you guys to take
the energy down, like, 90%.
- Why?
- All day long with the kids
and the excitement.
I'm ready to blow
my brains out in here.
- What?
Why are you so grouchy?
You've got the dream job.
- Here's the thing, Rambo.
- Rambo?
- What?
- Life is a lot like ice cream.
It starts out sweet,
but then it gets sticky.
- Oh.
- [sighs]
And then you die.
- Wow.
- This is the worst
ice cream man banter
I've ever heard.
- What did you guys want?
- I'm not even in the mood
for this anymore.
- Was it a fudgsicle?
And what did you want?
- [sighs]
Okay.
- Is the lap necessary?
- I need to know
if you're familiar
with the phrase
"philandering rat."
- It doesn't come up
too often, no.
- Um, hoo.
I've gotta tell you,
your dad is not
on a business trip to London.
- Okay.
What's he doing?
- He's going to dance clubs.
- Dance clubs.
What?
- With someone named Tina
in Myrtle Beach.
She's a masseuse.
- Oh, that's a lot to take in.
You know, that actually
makes more sense.
I never knew why
they'd fly a plumber
to London for a month.
- I was highly adrenalized
when I made that lie up.
- They wouldn't do it.
- If I'm in London,
and I want a plumber,
I don't want some American guy.
- It's a regional job,
in general.
- It was a terrible lie.
There are not a lot
of international plumbers,
and I panicked.
- So we're poor,
is what you're saying?
- We're kind of poor now,
buddy,
but I'm gonna make you
this promise.
- Okay.
- I promise you
if you work hard, and you
earn that money for yourself,
you can buy
all the ice cream you want.
- What's the--
what's the promise exactly?
You won't interfere
with me earning my own money?
- That is my vow to you.
- If you're serious,
I can sell you the dinosaur
and the machine that makes
fart noises for $1.50.
Just mull it over.
I'll be here if you need me.
- A garage sale?
What is this, the 1950s?
- 1950s?
No, what's going on?
- You tell me, man.
You look pathetic out here.
- Pathetic?
- I can't have my man, Tom,
out here--
- I've got the table,
I've got the sign.
I need to earn money,
or this is going to be
the worst summer ever.
I can't even afford ice cream.
- Man, we gotta do a GoFundMe.
- GoFundMe?
What's that?
- You take some pictures and
write "Tom's Ice Cream Fund:
I'm too poor
to enjoy my summer."
Then, boom!
Money comes in.
- Just free money?
- Free money!
Give me your phone.
- I don't--
I don't have a phone.
- Come on, Tom!
- Don't act surprised.
- You still don't have a phone?
- I never got one.
- How are you gonna
make it in this world?
- I just run around and play.
- I've got two phones.
One of mine is for checking in
with my parents.
This is for doing weird stuff.
- We're using
the weird one then.
- Yeah, let's take some pics.
Stand by the garbage can.
- Garbage?
No.
- Come on, man!
- All right, how's that?
- Come on,
slouch a little more.
- Slouch?
- When we write
this description,
people gotta feel sad for you.
- All right, how's this?
- Yes, baby, now we talking!
- You like what you're seeing?
- Yeah, I like what I'm seeing.
Hey, get in the trash can.
- Get in the can?
- In the can.
- How's that?
- This is it, baby.
- You like this?
- I love it.
Take that chicken
and smear it on your face.
- This is going to make people
buy ice cream for me?
- Nibble.
I need a nibble.
- Nibble?
No.
- I need you to appear hungry.
- Like I'm hungry?
- Like you're hungry,
but you gotta
save some for later.
- So I'm just--I'm starving,
but I'm just nibbling to--
- Now look up.
Make prayer hands.
There you go.
We finna make some money now.
- Just make me look good.
If my mom sees this, she wants
me to look presentable.
[somber music]
- Tom is sleeping
in a dumpster?
- Eating old chicken
from garbage cans?
- He's working in a coal mine?
I didn't even know
they had those here.
- Oh, listen.
Not on my watch.
- Where's my wallet at?
- Not on my watch.
- A street urchin?
That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
- Nelson?
- Yo, what's up, man?
- Nelson, I'm not happy.
- Again?
What's going on?
- What did you write
in the fundraiser?
- Oh, man, just the basics.
You know, lack of funds,
et cetera, et cetera.
- Lack of funds?
Did you maybe say that
I'm an unbathed street urchin
who sleeps in a dumpster
and eats leftover chicken?
- I might have slipped that in
just for effect.
- You might have slipped it in?
- Before you get mad, look.
Take a look at this tally.
- What's this?
- Six Gs!
- Six Gs?
That's too many Gs.
We only asked
for "some ice cream money."
- Yeah, this is
"some ice cream money."
- No, Nelson.
We have to give it back.
I mean, if you go
past the goal, you have to--
- We can't give it back, man.
We could go to jail for fraud.
- You have
to give something back.
You gotta give at least
four Gs back.
- Hey, Dad.
If you make extra money
on a fundraiser,
let's say, for ice cream,
do you get to keep it?
- Of course.
Just spend the money
on "ice cream-related items."
- Ice cream-related items?
- Yeah, you know,
like cones and sprinkles.
Anything that's
ice cream-related.
- That's what I thought.
- Honestly, from what
I've observed in my years,
this sounds like embezzlement.
- Embezzlement?
We kids, man.
That falls under the category
of "summertime hijinks."
- Summertime hijinks.
All right,
that sounds like fun.
- What do you think?
We're going all ice cream or
we're gonna get some pudding?
Or what--what do we--
- Spoons.
- Multiple spoons.
- Hey.
- Multiple cups.
- Hey, hello.
- Napkins.
- Ice cream as far
as the eye can see.
- Hello, hi.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, buddy.
Are you going to buy anything?
- Tom, he wants to know
if we're gonna buy anything.
- That makes me chuckle.
- What are we not buying?
That's the question.
- Okay, I don't know
what's going on here,
but I've got a line
of customers behind you, so--
- You call those customers?
What you got?
What you got?
Skittles?
That's it?
We real customers.
Those are small potatoes.
- Let's start with $6,000
worth of Klondike bars.
- Wrap them up.
- We don't keep that many
Klondike bars in stock.
If you buy that whole shelf,
it's $40.
- Call someone.
- Call Klondike?
- What, you scared?
Give me Klondike's number.
I'll call them.
- I'm not scared
to call Klondike.
- This guy's scared to call.
- This is such
a weird challenge
from two children.
- What part of six Gs
do you not understand?
- I'm a cashier.
It doesn't matter
how much money you have.
- Wait, whoa, whoa.
So you don't own the place?
- You don't own 7-Eleven?
- No!
Do I look like
an owner of anything?
- I don't think
we've got a deal.
I think we're at an impasse.
- Man, they don't make cashiers
like they used to.
- Okay, so remember, Tom,
no matter how tough things get,
we always make time for church.
- Do we?
We've literally
never done this.
- Since your dad
took off with the floozy,
this is our PR move.
- Oh.
- Single mom with her son.
It's a classic.
- But we sing the songs
and say the prayers or we--
- When it's written
in the book, you sing it.
If you don't know it, just go:
♪ Ah, na, na, na, na, na ♪
- Oh, okay.
It's just for show.
- Mm-hmm, yep.
- We're mouthing it.
- Hi, Tom.
I wanted to give you this.
I just found out
that you're a street urchin.
- Oh, thank you, Yasmine.
That's very, uh, very kind.
- What was that all about?
- Uh, I'm in a school play.
I'm playing the street urchin.
- Oh.
Would have been nice to know.
- Good morning, congregation.
Good morning, friends.
Today we're going
to talk about compassion.
We have some new members here,
and we want them
to know that no one
looks down on them
because they sleep
in a filthy dumpster.
As we know from the Bible
in the book of Thomas,
God loves all types
of families.
Single mothers with one child.
- Is he talking about us?
- No, I can't imagine.
- He looks down on them
and blesses them
while they nibble
on an old chicken bone
that they found
on the side of the street.
- Is he pointing at us?
- Us?
No.
- God loves this family.
God hopes
that they suck the marrow
from that old chicken bone.
- Tom,
what did you tell people?
- He's just making stuff up.
You know, I gotta get going.
I gotta use the bathroom.
I'm gonna run home real quick.
- Right now?
- I'm not comfortable urinating
with the Lord watching.
- What?
No, Tom, you're not leaving.
- All right,
I'll use the church bathroom.
If I don't come back at all,
just don't even worry about it.
- What?
Tom, Tom!
[dramatic music]
- Listen, we need
to unload the money now.
- Tom.
- Right now.
My mom's going to find out
what we did.
She's onto it.
- Tom, listen to yourself.
Breathe.
Who's in charge here?
- Who's in charge?
Me.
I'm wearing a suit.
I'm the boss.
- Don't pull
the suit card on me.
- I'm just saying.
- There's no dress code
in corporate America
these days.
- Listen,
in the next half hour,
I want the money off the books,
like we never had it.
[jolly music]
- That's it!
The ultimate
ice cream-related item.
- I'm not following.
What do you want to buy?
You want
to buy some fudgsicles?
- Brother,
we buying the whole truck.
- Oh.
- Look at her.
- That is the ultimate ice
cream-related item, isn't it?
- Ah, great.
More kids looking
for a sugar high.
- We have a proposal.
You sitting down?
- Do I look like--I'm
standing in the fucking truck.
I'm not sitting down.
What's your proposal?
- In general,
we've got some funds
that we need
to get off the books.
- We got six grand.
- Hmm.
- You clearly hate this job
and are very disgruntled.
- Ah.
Very perceptive.
- The truck that is now yours,
would become ours.
I know you're thinking--
- Done.
- Done?
Wow.
That was a little easier
than I thought.
- Done!
Anything to get out.
I'll sell it to little kids.
I don't give a fuck.
- I mean, you still
gotta drive it though.
We don't have any licenses yet.
- I love it.
It's a deal.
- This is great.
- Yeah, whoo-hoo!
- Okay, here's what
we're going to do.
I'll go call Geico
and write up the bill of sale.
- Nice.
- You stay here with the truck.
Can I leave you
in charge for a minute?
- I'll leave myself in charge.
I'm kind of the boss, but sure.
- Okay, if that makes you
feel, uh, good.
- The best two days of an
ice cream truck owner's life?
The day you buy it
and the day you sell it.
- Uh, excuse me.
Hi, we've been waiting
for 10 minutes, I'd say.
- Listen, toots.
I'm on a smoke break.
- Did you just call me toots?
I want to speak to the manager.
Who do I call?
- He's right here.
- Shh, shh, shh!
- The manager's in the truck?
- No.
- The manager and owner.
- Shut up!
- Tom, stop hiding.
- Tom?
- These ladies want
to file a complaint.
- Tom!
Tom, is that you?
- Oh, hey!
Yeah, I'm in here.
- I thought you had no money.
Now your family owns
an ice cream truck?
- Drive, drive, drive!
Drive or you're fired.
- All right, here we go.
- Bye, Tom.
[rock music]
- Oh, my God.
This is not good.
All right, let me think.
Think, Tom.
Think, boss.
What would Nelson do?
What would Nelson do?
You know what?
Here it is.
If there's no truck,
I can deny it all.
Executive decision,
we gotta sink it.
- You sure about that?
- I see literally no options.
We need to submerge the truck
in the river.
What do you think?
You like that idea?
- Whatever you want, man.
It's your show.
- So it's a good idea?
- I love it.
- All right, I feel
like it's a unanimous decision.
- Two to zero.
- Nelson's not here.
All right, we got the votes.
♪ ♪
- Oh, beloved truck,
thank you for the good times
you've given to the children
over many summers,
of yesteryear and days of yore.
You have caused much,
much happiness--
- But also much sorrow
and pain.
- You've also caused
much sorrow and pain
for many people.
- Great pain.
- You've really ruined
many lives.
- Soul-searing pain.
- And on that note,
we bid you farewell.
- Preach.
- [sighs]
Wow.
- You're officially a man now.
- Thank you.
- You sank
your first ice cream truck.
- Tom!
What the hell are you doing?
- What am I doing?
We sank the truck.
- I left you in charge
for one hour.
- Listen, we had no choice.
- No choice.
- No options whatsoever.
My mom was going to find out.
I pulled the trigger.
I said we gotta sink it.
- We could've just
signed over the title.
You know,
written up a bill of sale.
- Oh.
- I didn't think of that.
- We could have just
hid the truck
for a few months
and filed an insurance claim.
- Those are all good ideas.
- So many options.
- Ah, man, maybe I'm not
leadership material after all.
This is, uh--
- You think?
- Not a good debut.
- Okay, dudes.
You owe me $5,000 for the
truck, $800 for inventory,
and $200
for miscellaneous expenses.
- All right, pay the man.
- Um, about that.
The GoFundMe
is in my dad's account.
I just knew the password.
- Come again?
- I have no way
to get you the actual funds.
- [sighs]
All right,
this is the last time
I go into business
with two 10-year-olds.
- I don't even know why
you did it in the first place.
- It was surprising
how quickly he agreed.
- When he said,
"Done," I was like, "Oh.
Oh, we're really doing this."
- Yeah.
That caught me off guard too.
- ♪ Remember there's
more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ And patterns to contemplate,
more people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's
a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is
the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow
we can float anywhere ♪