Teenage Bounty Hunters (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Death Is Bad - full transcript

["TIE A YELLOW RIBBON" PLAYING]

♪ I'm comin' home, I've done my time ♪

♪ Now I've got to know
what is and isn't mine ♪

[GROANS]

♪ If you received my letter ♪

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

♪ Then you'll know just what to do ♪

♪ If you still want me ♪

♪ If you still want me ♪

♪ Oh, tie a yellow ribbon
round that old oak tree ♪

♪ It's been three long years ♪



♪ Do you still want me ♪

♪ Still want me ♪

♪ If I don't see a ribbon ♪

♪ 'Round the old oak tree ♪

♪ I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us ♪

♪ Put the blame on me ♪

♪ If I don't see a yellow ribbon ♪

♪ 'Round the old oak tree ♪

[THEME MUSIC]

[VOCALIZING]

[STERLING] I don't feel like myself.

Is it, like, angst from missing Luke?

[SIGHS] I guess so. It's so weird
not seeing him every second after school

or Sat through Sun.



It's like I have phantom limb syndrome.

I can say that, right?

Uh, it might be fairly disrespectful
to our soldiers who actually have it.

I don't know what to do
with all my free time now.

I've read four novels this week.

You are sort of monologuing
about yourself.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.
I've been so thrown off kilter.

Mom is being so unfair.

Especially since she porked
before she was married.

Speaking of our dear mother,

when she and Dad go to that party thing
in a couple of days,

Miles is going to come over

and we're going to have a relaxed,
house-to-ourselves sort of night.

But you won't be by yourselves,
I'll be there.

Right. You can be there,
but maybe don't crowd us.

Wait. Are you guys gonna...

I think yes! I think we're gonna do it.

I really, really like Miles,

and I've been talking about sex
for so long

that it's time to put my
money where my mouth is.

- Ew.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- You know what I mean.
- I do.

It's like that time when I begged
for bangs and when I finally got them,

I looked like a German boy
who pick-pocketed,

but I was really glad I did it.

- [FEEDBACK OVER SPEAKER]
- [MAN] Students and faculty,

I was hoping to begin announcements

with the news of our Boys Basketball's

tremendous 85 to 24 victory
over St. Andrews.

And I guess I just did,

but I have some very sad news.

Mr. Koontz,
our beloved substitute teacher,

has shed his mortal coil.

- He died.
- [STUDENTS GASP]

- What?
- Please join me for a moment of silence

for our dearly departed.

- Who?
- Shh.

[VOICE WAVERING]
Mr. Koontz was my greatest mentor.

He legit explained Algebra II to me once.

It was a game changer.

He always waved at me in the hallway

and I never waved back.

But I realize now,

Koontz taught me how to love.

- [CELL PHONE DINGS]
- That was beautiful.

What kind of filter do you want?

Okay, scooch together.

Have you thought about how technically

this is the first dead person
we've ever known?

Because we never knew
Mee-maw and Dee-daw.

You're right.
We've only ever known dead pets.

Two hamsters, one cat,
one dog and another cat.

[GROANS] Fluffernutter doesn't count.
She was such a bitch.

I'm trying to picture him in Heaven.

Is it clouds?

The logistics of a cloud land
are super insane.

I always picture a palace.

But is he even in Heaven?

Blair, he was a Christian.
He went to Heaven.

- Not necessarily.
- [STERLING GASPS] Oh.

Jeez, my butthole is in my throat.

Luke, what are you doing?

Oh. I wanted to surprise you.

Keep our romance alive
during the struggle.

I know that we're pressing pause
outside of school,

but I want you to know...
I need you to know

that I'm not pressing pause
on my love for you.

It's still playing at full blast.

And mine's on repeat.

Your activities log
was such a great idea, babe.

I want us to know
everything the other is doing,

even if we can't do it together.

I saw you did thirty minutes
of anger-crying at 4:00 p.m.

and then straight into band practice,

followed by an orange juice
and then straight into a milk?

I couldn't get my thirst quenched
hard enough after rocking so hard.

I know in my heart of hearts, though,

that a little time apart outside of school
can't touch us.

We're going to be together forever.

Um, excuse me for living,

but why'd you say that Mr. Koontz
wasn't necessarily in Heaven?

Did you ever notice

how Koontz didn't participate
in morning prayer?

Yeah. I figured it was a medical issue.

Mm-mm. He was agnostic.

Is that where you think
that God is a woman?

No. It's where you don't know
what to believe,

which is bizarre,
because it's all right there in the Bible.

You're a real source of info this morn.

Vlad the groundskeeper
was the one who found him.

He told me that he was lying
all alone on the edge of the field,

a crustless PB and J lying next to him.

- That's awful.
- I know.

He has to go on
a month-long paid vacation to recover.

No, it's awful
about Mr. Koontz dying alone.

I can't think of anything worse
than to be alone in this life.

Oh, no, no, no, baby.

That's not going to happen to us.

We're going to be hand-in-hand

looking down at our memorial from Heaven,

watching our children celebrate us,

and our children's children,

and their friends
if they would like to come.

All will be welcome.

Oh. Have you already planned it?

Yes, I have some ideas.

[BOTH CHUCKLE QUIETLY]

A memorial?

Hmm. No, we don't have a memorial planned.

[APRIL] Didn't you hear
the moment of silence?

- It was, like, eight seconds.
- Mm-hm.

That's all we're going to do for him?

He was a nice man.

I saw him brake for a squirrel once,

- and then he got rear-ended.
- Oh.

Don't you feel that as Christians,
we should honor him?

Of course, dear,

but he didn't have
that deep of a tie to the school.

I mean, for instance,
if he had gone to Willingham as a student,

and then he came back to teach,

I mean, we'd definitely have a service
for someone like that.

And if we did,
I'm sure there'd be a mix CD

in her upper left-hand desk drawer.

Well, we would love
to take it upon ourselves

and put together a memorial for him,
if that's okay.

- Oh.
- And it should be,

since it's a school activity,
during school hours.

That is so lovely and thoughtful of you.

I also had the idea
to put on a memorial for him.

It slipped my mind
because of my devastation over his demise.

Oh.

I'm wracked with grief.

- Oh.
- Hm.

I thought your stance on substitutes
was that they shouldn't exist

because they allow
the regular teachers to be lazy.

- Mmm.
- It doesn't sound like me.

Do you know how you sound?

I will set my grief aside

and since we all had the idea,
we can plan the memorial as a threesome.

I mean, the three of us together.

Well, that's really sweet,
um, but... but we really feel like the Lord

meant for us to take on
this challenge together,

just the two of us.

Well, as Fellowship leader,

it's my duty to lead
during times of emotional distress.

We'll plan it together.

[ELLEN] What a great idea.

Yes, and rekindling old friendships

because I know y'all were close once.

That was a long time ago.

Should we talk logistics, pick a theme?

Isn't the theme "death"?

Or "memory".

We can do better.

[ELLEN] See? What a great team!

I mean, my goodness!

I wish I had had awesome ideas like y'all

- when I was a Willingham student.
- [APRIL CHUCKLES]

But in many ways, I'm still a student.

I'm just always learning.

Always learning.

I need to eat.

- All right.
- [STERLING SQUEALS QUIETLY]

These are the boxes that need
to go down to the store right here.

So, come on. Let's go.

Wait, Bowsy.

We want the tour. Be like a tour guide,

except one that doesn't
limit follow-up questions.

Yes, and we want anecdotes.

Like, was this couch
hard to get through that door?

Okay, and go.

Um... Hi!

- Welcome to the tour!
- [GIGGLES]

This is the tour.

One room?

Yeah.

I like to be able to stand in any one spot

and behold the entirety of my domain

and all my personal possessions.

[BLAIR GASPS]

That is so sad.

You lost all your belongings in a fire.

No, I didn't.

Then where are they?

You're looking at them. The...

Concert posters, vinyl,
wardrobe, and one pant.

A "pant"? Is that, like, half a pants?

It's a pan that's also a pot.

Hey, can we get back to the boxes?

We've got a lot of boxes to move here.

[GROANS] Why'd you order yogurt toppings
to your apartment in the first place?

Because I hit the wrong mailing address
on Amazong.

Did he just say, "Amazong"?

Yes, and I will never forget it.

He needs more fixing than I thought.

He's living in a flophouse.

We have to encourage him
to extend himself, but subtly.

- He hates when we're too direct.
- He hates it when we're most things,

but we're basically his best friends,
it's our job to help.

- Yes. Hey, Bowse?
- Mm.

- You know what you should do?
- Mm-mm.

Not put your mattress
directly on the floor.

Do you think a woman
wants to sleep on that?

Hey, let's speed this up. New rule.

Everybody's gonna grab two boxes
at a time. Come on!

- Ow, my arms.
- I haven't eaten yet this afternoon.

All right. [GROANS]

Smaller boxes go in the back.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's Terrance Coin.

- Hey.
- That's Terrance Coin.

- Oh, Jesus.
- What's he doing here?

If he was here, which I haven't noticed
because I don't care,

he would be getting his assignment
from Yolanda.

[BOTH SIGH]

Bowser?

[GROANS]

[TERRANCE CHUCKLES]

Is that the Bowster?

Yeah, well, it's... you know. Hey...

Bowsin' Bowser!

[GRUNTS]

Yeah.

Sup, my guy?

That's enough. Yeah, thank you.

Yolanda said this was your joint. Yikes.

This is my, um...

office/yogurt restaurant. Yeah.

You look good, man.

What's your workout regimen?

Well, I put on some weight,
so, uh... eating.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- You're in the building phase.
- Well...

- I get it. I love it.
- That's enough.

- Thank you. Mm-hm.
- Keep up the good work, bro.

- [BOTH] Bowser, please. Bowser, please.
- Stop that.

- Please!
- Would you stop... Hey, okay.

[GROANS]
Terrance, this is Sterling and Blair.

- Hi.
- Hi. Blair.

- You're gorgeous.
- Really cool to meet you.

- It's really cool.
- That's what I said!

Nice to make your acquaintances.
You all work with Bowser?

Mostly.

Uh...

Mainly.

Strictly. We...

Yeah, we bounty hunt with Bowser.

Please don't ask us to work with you.

Uh... No, it's great, you know,
meeting colleagues.

Folks that truly understand the work.

Yes.

You know, I like to think of us
as fishermen,

cutting through the freezing waters,

pulling in our nets hand over hand.

The catch of the day
flopping on the icy deck,

all to feed the mouth of justice.

That hangry beast.

What?

Well, I'm off to rope
that dog-fighting ring king.

Till we meet again.

- Yes, please.
- Bowser.

- Hey, you.
- [BLAIR] Call us, let us know.

[SIGHS]

He should write a book about fishing.

Get it.

Come on.

I'll tell you one thing.

That Terrance sure is a dick. Hm?

Asking me about my eating habits?

Terrance is living his best life.
He's too busy to be a dick.

- Love your perspective.
- Good.

- Very helpful.
- I'm glad.

Assignment, please.

You'll be bringing in Cherry Grigio.

No, you didn't. Shit.

Ladies, Miss Grigio's an exotic dancer

whose latest intrigue is owing the city
15 grand in parking tickets.

Lady does not think
the rules apply to her.

In fact, she refuses
to adhere to daylight savings time.

It helps her ignore street cleaning days.

Smart.

The slippery stripper.

She's the bane of Bowser's existence.

What? I thought we were.

Anecdote, please.

[KNOCKING]

Let me just grab my stuff.

- [SPRAYING]
- [SCREAMS]

I just need to grab my stuff.

Aren't you holding it?

- [GRUNTS]
- Ow!

Just let me grab my stuff.

Stuff...

Un-fucking-believable.

No Cherry Grigio.

I'm down my favorite toenail
because of that woman.

Oh, come on,
you always end up catching her.

Yeah, but it takes 72 hours
and a year off my life each time.

Now, why would you write her
another bond anyway?

It's like her side-hustle
from stripping is skipping.

She's basically my favorite TV show.

Oh, jeez.

Fine. If you don't want her,
I'll give her to Terrance.

No, no. Wait, Bowser.
I'm sure the three of us

could bring her in quick and easy.

Come on.

[BOWSER GROANS]

- All right, fine. We'll take her.
- [STERLING SQUEALS]

- [GASPS] A real stripper.
- Yes!

Ooh! Ooh!

Please don't do that.

- Oh.
- Yes, ma'am.

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- [YAWNS]

Up late date plan texting?

Your phone light is exceedingly bright,
by the way.

I was looking at songs
for our sex playlist,

which took me to the Cure,
which took me to the Smiths,

which took me to this video wormhole

of people who have actually seen
the light that never goes out.

And then I had this dream

that Mr. Koontz was trying
to tell me something,

but I couldn't hear him.

That's weird.

Yeah, I'm actually
having a really hard time shaking it.

- And I think it's because he...
- That reminds me, babe.

Uh, you were in my dream last night.

Of course,
the man is co-opting the conversation.

No offense, Luke. Love you.

Love you.

Thanks.

Don't move!

Don't move, either of you.

That's the essay that I wrote
on laissez-faire economics.

You know the one where I railed on it?

You hate laissez-faire.

Mr. Koontz graded that.

And now it just flew out of my backpack?

I mean, it's one thing to be in my dreams,
but now this?

Wait, it says, "Think outside the box."

Oh, shit. This is straight up haunting.

The original trolling!

Or you're just stressed, okay?
I don't think you're really being haunted.

How do you know that?

I'm starting to get that feeling
where my tongue goes numb.

Did you just eat mango?

[GASPS]

Okay, that is dramatic, even for her.

I hate to bring this up, but you didn't do
your activities log yesterday.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I had to make these flyers,

since April thinks paper
is way too analog,

and I had to teach myself
Adobe Illustrator first,

which turned out to be really fun.

Once I got a hold
of the whole vectors thing,

I was rockin' and rolling.

You see how "memorial"
kind of jumps out at you

and there's a shadow behind the dove?

Not easy.

Still could have written it
in the log, though.

So, what did you do?

I thought about you.

- Aw.
- You are my beautiful rose petal.

Oh, memorial tomorrow.

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Beautiful?

[GASPS] Ooh, I can't believe I got you.

You got me? I can't believe I got you.

Oh, you're being sweet.
It's going to slow me down.

Okay, go with me here.

I have felt super weird
since our sub died.

Like, when you hear that silent sound

that tells you that the TV is still on

and then out of nowhere,
this paper that he graded

flew into my face with a message on it.

I feel like he needs something from me,

and I'm super freaked out.

And Sterling's just not helping me at all.

Oh, wow, I feel you.

You know, I thought I saw
the ghost of my grandma once,

but she's alive, so it fucked with me.

I'm so happy you get it.

Maybe your guy's in purgatory.

You know, stuck in limbo,

asking for prayers so he can move on?

Prayers.

Miles, you don't understand.

Praying is in my blood.

- Ah, you're the freaking best.
- Yeah, I know. I got your back!

[CHUCKLES]

Look, um, if you got your plate full,

we can reschedule our night tomorrow.

Oh, no way.

I'm not going to let
a little death and haunting

get in the way of our date. [CHUCKLES]

Unless, um... unless you want to postpone.

No. No. No way. No way.

I've already started pricing candles
to set the mood.

Cool.

[CHUCKLES]

Cool.

Hey. Thanks for lending a hand.

Any time.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Franklin, how's golf?

How are my boys?

[SCOFFS]

They're great.

Yeah.

Hey...

there's no hard feelings
between us, right?

No. [CHUCKLES]

Nope.

I'm just glad we can
all come together at a time like this.

However, a warning.

I am going to be performing
some of my music today

and I hope it will not be too painful
for you to see that I've moved on.

Uh, no, man. It won't be.

Well...

[CLEARS THROAT] Good afternoon.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[STRUMS GUITAR]

♪ Now that he's gone
Old Mr. Koontz ♪

♪ Who will feed them?
The baby raccoo... ♪

That is so dumb. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, uh... Sterling.

- Babe? Hey, Sterling?
- [CONTINUE CHATTERING]

Sterling.

Ster-girl.

Sterling?

- Sterling? Hey.
- Yeah?

Babe. Uh, can you help me with the music?

I can't figure out
what to rhyme with Koontz.

Uh, Koontz?

Koontz.

Um... Well...

Excuse me.
Do you care to join the decor meeting?

We have to figure out
how to transform this place

into a planetarium.

I need celestial bodies on the ceiling.

Oh, and don't forget flowers.

Calla lilies are classic and in season,

but we'd love to avoid white.

It's so expected.

Great. Go dark purple
and order a few dozen,

enough to cramp the stage.

No white means no doves.

Everybody's seen those things
fly out of funerals.

So, we were thinking... butterflies.

[GASPS] Or maybe just flies.

That would really make a statement.
Write that down.

- No, do not.
- You guys, this is too much.

It's a memorial.
It's meant to be respectful.

It will be. You have my word.

We want a simple memorial
to honor a simple man.

You know what?

You are never gonna let me lead
the way that I should.

So, I quit.

I hope your eulogy
is better than your decor.

I should focus on my mourning anyway.

A eulogy?

I didn't even think about that.

What am I supposed to write
about someone I barely even know

who seemed so... alone?

Maybe we can look him up
on the "Get To Know Your Teacher" page.

On the school website?

Dang, that is sad.

He listed his favorite activity as movies

and left the family question blank.

Kind of reminds me of that guy we saw
mini-golfing alone. [CHUCKLES]

So grim.

He was just minding his own business.

He gave himself a par five
on the grizzly bear mouth

and I saw him take at least
seven strokes. That's cheating.

How am I supposed to write a whole eulogy

about someone
whose favorite beverage is ice water

and favorite place, "The plains"?

If anyone can write a eulogy with this,
you can.

You're right.

[SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC]

Our Father, who art in Heaven.

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Dear Lord, our substitute teacher died,

but you know that.

Because you took him.

No judgments.

He was agnostic.

I guess you already know that as well.

God! Okay, keep up, Blair! [SNIFFS]

What I'm trying to say is...

we all have our doubts sometimes,

and maybe he didn't know
what he was doing on Earth,

so he had no idea what to expect
on the other side.

So...

let him in.

Okay?

If it's cool.

I'm not trying to boss you. [CHUCKLES]

Amen.

And now, a reading.

Death...

Death. Death. Death, got it.

"The locusts looked like horses
prepared for battle.

They had tails like scorpions,

and in their tails, they had

power to torment people for five months"?

What the...

[SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

I'm sorry.

[STERLING] You set the Bible on fire?

It was a small fire,

but it was just really large
in proportion to the size of the book.

Well, what did you do with it?

I put it back on the shelf.

I'm going to pretend that
this didn't happen

until maybe forever or the end of time.

Okay. Well, maybe the fire was God's way
of telling you that you did it.

You helped Mr. Koontz.

Right. Like, who's to say
that fire is a bad thing?

[SCOFFS] Duh. Hello? The burning bush.

Mm.

- Chariots of Fire.
- Mm.

Oh, and controlled fires
that prevent larger wildfires

that would be way bigger
and harder to control.

Okay, I think we lost the thread.

Hey, Bowser, wait for us.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, remember.

Cherry Grigio changes her look
all the time.

Sometimes she's blonde,
sometimes she's a red-head.

Or that kind of red
that looks like purple.

Keep your heads on a swivel.
Don't fall for any of her tricks.

She's slippery.

You've said, "slippery",
like, ten times now.

It's starting to get gross.

I'm just saying.

We passed for 21!

Oh, my God. Slow down, life!

[MUSIC BLASTING]

This is the sexiest place I've ever been.

Oh, my God.
Look at that girl's butt crack.

It's so vertical.

It goes really far up her back!

Oh, beautiful!

You're sensual, madam.

[STERLING] God.

Look at these women.
They are so comfortable in their bodies.

It's so cool.

Okay, pace yourselves.

This could take a while
and I need you all calculating

- any possible escape routes.
- Okay.

Ah, there she is.

- Let's triangulate.
- Okay.

So I told him, "Come back
when you've got proof I've got a liver...

[SCOFFS] ...and I'll stop."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hi, Cherry.

Oh, Bowser, hello.

How's the toe?

[CHUCKLES] You know how it is.

All right, you got me.

Just need to grab my stuff.

Uh-uh-uh.

No way, lady.

Yeah, you can't fool a pheasant
when she's got a fox for a friend.

We know your move
and you're not moving from that spot.

[BLAIR] Mm-mm.

[SIGHS] Moonstone?

Can you grab my stuff for me?

You're cranky.

I want that one to take me in.

Hi, ladies!

Hey, are you stalking me?

Boweezy,

I'm here for my weekly fix of sirloin
and this wonderful troupe of performers.

I'll always defend
one night a week as my me time.

- [BOWSER] Do you?
- Yeah, it's hard though.

Take me in, sir. I've been bad.

See?

Sorry, Miss Grigio. I'm not working.

I'm rejuvenating.

But you're in great hands.

All right. You're stuck with me.

And it's going exactly according to plan.

I gave you too much credit...

Give him here.

What the hell is that?

It's a baby.

Thanks, Moon.

[IN CUTE VOICE] Oh, hello.

Hey, Lawrence.
How was your nap, baby?

Ooh.

That's tough.

Can't bring a baby in with you to jail.

I know, Terrance. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- [STERLING] Thank you.

I can't believe you had a baby recently.
You do not look it.

I'm sorry, ma'am.
We would not presume to know

what a body should or shouldn't look like.

I need to know if you got somebody
you can call to take this child.

Is there someone you can call
to come take this child?

Mm.

My sister,

but, mm-mm, she's covering for Ramon
at the fireworks stand

because he's got a knuckle injury,

so it might take her a minute to get here.

Can I get my phone out of my bag?

- Uh-uh!
- Uh-uh! Don't you...

Girl!

He was on Instagram!

I knew it, every one of his posts
is a picture of him by himself.

Huh. He went skydiving?

Who would want to do that?
You are basically tempting death.

Yeah, plus if you go alone,

who's gonna laugh at your rubbery face
flapping in the wind?

[BLAIR] Hm.

Some of this stuff was pretty cool shit,
I guess.

At least he looks happy.

All this existential crisising
is really making me thirsty.

Do you want anything?

Okay.

[SNIFFS]

[SOBBING AND LAUGHING]

I've been dreaming
about this summit for years.

I finally did it.

[SNIFFS]

There's no one around for miles.

Oh, my God. It's so beautiful.

Hey. Shirley Temple, please.

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

[CHUCKLES]

Hey! What are you doin' over here?

I need the two of you at the side exit.
I keep seeing her eyes flit over to it.

I thought I saw my dead teacher
by the pool tables.

Shit, is this like when you teenagers
were marrying your vampires?

He's still here.

When I burned that Bible
earlier today on total accident,

I must have failed
to usher him into Heaven.

Now, he'll be stuck
in no-man's land forever.

What if I opened up a portal
that I'll never be able to close?

You might be thinking about death
too much.

What? How could you not think about it?

Aren't you like 70?

I'm 50!

- You're a bounty hunter.
- Yeah.

You could die at any moment.

And when you do, I'll turn around and bam!

I'll have two ghosts haunting me.

And you two will frolic all day
while I become the sexy older woman

tormented by the pranks
you play on me while I sleep.

Okay, okay...

Take a breath.

Deep breath, come on!

[BOTH BREATHE DEEPLY]

Let it out. Let it out.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

What if there's no heaven or hell?

And you don't need
to help anybody get anywhere?

Are you hypnotizing me?

No, I'm serious.

Heaven and hell are constructs

that personally don't work for me.

When I'm dead, I'm dead.

Ain't none of my business
where I go after that.

But that's so scary.

Don't you want to know
what happens after you cross over?

Like, whether it's good or bad?

There is zero way to know, okay?

Until you cross that threshold.

It could be a black void.
It could be rainbows.

It could be a ghost world

where a person
uncharacteristically frolics all day.

There's no certainty in life or death,

so why kill yourself
worrying about anything?

Come on.

Oh, Goddamn it, where's Cherry?

There she is. Come on.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

You're getting slippery. I can feel it.

[SCOFFS] My set is next

- and my sister ain't here yet...
- Mm.

...so unless you want Lawrence
to go hungry this week,

I'm going to work.

Do you mind?

Yes, I mind.

By my account, you're in my custody.

Maybe you should let her do her job.

What in the...

And you know what you should do?

Enjoy yourself.

- It's okay to enjoy yourself at work.
- Thank you.

Once, I brought in
the leader of a mariachi band.

We sang the whole way to the station:

♪ El Dorado ♪

- Okay.
- Adiós.

[ANNOUNCER] And now, gentlemen...

Hey, I'll be watching you the whole time.

- It'd be rude if you weren't.
- ...Cherry Grigio!

- [GROANS]
- [CHEERING]

[FUNKY HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

No! No! No! No!

She's slippin'! She's slippin'!

Uh-uh! Do not help this woman.

She owes so much money to the city.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing? Huh?

Enlisting your friends
to help you evade the law?

- What?
- Mm-hm.

We were tellin' the story of the song.

"Shawty crunk, on the floor wide open,

Skeet so much they call her Billy Ocean."

My wig change is the big reveal.

[CROWD BOOING]

All right.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

For what it's worth,
the storytelling was on point.

Apricot! Where have you been?

Ramon being
a wuss about his knuckle?

He lost half a finger, Cherr.

He is not coming back to the stand.

I had to call Sheila.

[CHUCKLES] Well, that's just great.

Now, Miss Apricot here can take the baby

and you and I will be on our way to jail.

- Sounds like a plan.
- Yep.

Although, we should probably wait
for this edible to clear my system.

- Apricot makes them with a double dose.
- [CHUCKLES]

Another obstacle.

[BOWSER GROANS]

Ahh. Can't bring in a skip
if they're under the influence.

Damn it, I thought I saw you leave.

Yeah, I was just re-parking.

I told you this was a bad idea.

It'll be fine.
We'll just wait till she sobers up.

How long does that take, like, a week?

We don't do drugs.

- Drugs are bad.
- Yeah.

Takes 12 hours to clear her system.

- Oh.
- So, you know what?

You two just go on home.
I got it from here.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Okay, Godspeed.

Mm-hm.

You weren't kidding about her.

Yeah.

She does not give an inch.

[GUITAR MUSIC]

[MAN] ♪ See you on the other side ♪

[LUKE] Look at us.

We made this happen.

We're gonna have so much fun
planning our wedding one day.

Can I make one request, though?

On the beach, yet extremely formal.

Fine. Sure, but today's about Mr. Koontz.

I want this to be tasteful
and to honor his life.

["IF I DIE YOUNG" PLAYING]

♪ Bury me in satin ♪

♪ Lay me down ♪

- ♪ On a bed of roses ♪
- [APRIL SOBS]

♪ Sink me in the river ♪

What is she doing?

♪ Send me away
With the words of a love song ♪

[WHISPERING] Robert...

Oh, Robert.

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

[GIRL] She's so extra.

Death hits April hardest,

even though some of us
have buried all six grandparents.

[SOBBING]

Hello and welcome.

Today, we come together

to honor the memory of Mr. Richard Koontz.

Richard, not Robert.

But first, an original song
by Luke Cresswell.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

♪ When we got the news
We only heard the gloom ♪

♪ But by God's grace ♪

♪ There's a silver lining
To Koontz' tomb ♪

♪ The grief is real
But when push comes to shove ♪

♪ Death came for him
And I fell deeper in love ♪

♪ Lord, thank you
For this time for her to shine ♪

♪ She's the best at making things fine ♪

♪ We were sad he's gone
But happy to know... ♪

♪ That she's mine ♪

I heard they're gonna cremate him
and spread his ashes

across the Chattahoochee.

- Girl, birds are going to eat him.
- [HANNAH B] Hmm.

Personally, I want to be stuffed.

Promise me you'll stuff me?

I can't promise you anything.

We always agreed I'd die before you.

♪ But he's not there
And oh, it breaks my... ♪

[GASPS] Oh, shit.

- What are you doing here?
- Hi.

Um, sorry. I was worried. [STAMMERS]

I hadn't heard from you since
I sent that stupid candle text message.

- Oh.
- I can get a different candle...

or no candle.

You know what? Fuck the candle.

I don't care about a candle.

Or, I do care.

I don't feel like I know anything.

I don't even know if I want to have sex,

which is...
which is outside the box for me.

We don't have to have sex.

We don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.

Um... But I don't know
if I don't want to have sex.

Does that sound crazy?

Not at all.

Look, on my best days,
I'm living three contradictions minimum.

[CHUCKLES]

Since this potentially-imagined haunting,

the uncertainties of everything
is really messing with me.

Like, once you cross over the line
from life to death

or from virgin to the land of sex people,

you can never go back.

And I'm really used to things over here.

I get it.

Look...

if and when we do have sex,

at least we'll be
on the other side together.

But as far as tonight,

I don't care.

I just want to be with you.

[STRUMMING GUITAR]

♪ Sterling! ♪

[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]

[GASPS]

Thank you, Luke,
for that tribute to Mr. Koontz.

[FAINT APPLAUSE]

[STERLING CLEARS THROAT]

Richard Koontz was a teacher, a son,

and by sheer probability, a cousin.

A man who not only waved at us a lot,

but life itself.

Like, "Hello, life!"

And, "Over here, life!"

And, "Life!"

Mr. Koontz spent
a lot of time in solitude,

but that wasn't boring or sad,

because he spent his time
doing things that he liked

and learned about himself
in the process.

So, even though it seems
like his life was cut short

because of that sandwich,

I'm grateful to him.

He taught me that being alone
doesn't mean "lonely"

and...

sometimes it's just what you need.

Oh! Yes! And I am waving at life.

Whoo! I am waving! Thank you, Sterling.

Thank you. Oh!

Hey, Sterling! Sterling, wait up? Hey.

What's wrong? You were amazing.

And you looked so beautiful up there.

This isn't about me.

Well, I know. It's about us.

That's why I wrote that song.

What?

No. Luke, you don't get it.

[STERLING BREATHES DEEPLY]

Do you remember that day in fifth grade
when we first started going out?

Of course.

It was picture day,

and we'd both just won
"Middle School's Most Popular".

I asked you out then and there.

It was fate.

No, it wasn't.

There were only three votes
separating me and April.

Okay? The truth is,
we're together because of circumstance

and...

I'm not sure that that's enough anymore.

What do you... What do you mean?

- [MUTTERS]
- I mean...

that the last few days
have made me realize

that "alone" isn't a bad word.

Okay, there are things that I like
that I didn't even know that I liked,

like Adobe, and skydiving, or tiramisu.

I like those things, too.
Dessert is my jam.

[SIGHS]

Luke.

Yeah?

We have been tethered together

for half of our school lives.

And these last few days
have made me realize

that there's no sense in having an "us"

if I don't even have a "me".

So, all these years
have been a waste to you?

I mean, I was there.
I know they were good.

Of course they were.

But I'm ready to not have my whole life
planned out before me.

What did I do wrong?

No, I... I...

Did I not love you well enough?

I always tried to hold you up.
I always tried to put you first.

No, I know. I know you did.

This this isn't anybody's fault.

People grow out of things.

Well...

You don't want to be together forever?

I don't know.

I just know that I need
to be alone right now.

Bye.

Ooh, you know what you should do?

You should mix the honey mustard
with the ranch, with the mayo.

- [SOULFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Bon appétit.

Mm-hm.

That edible should be
clearing out of your system,

or at the tail end of it, anyway.

It's been at least two hours
since you tried to use the windshield

like the digital interface
from Minority Report.

Yeah, the food is helping,

but it would go down a lot faster

if we weren't handcuffed to each other.

Sorry, I'm not taking any chances.

Well, can you at least
lift my drink up to my lips?

For cryin' out loud.

[SLURPS]

Ahh.

I've always had a crush on you.

And that's why you run from me?

[SIGHS]

Maybe I always knew
our connection would be too intense.

I see a kindred spirit in you.

We both play by our own rules,

and neither of us wants to change.

Most people lately
have had a real problem with how I am.

Can't see why, though.
I'm doing just fine.

Hell, yeah. We're great.

Why should we listen to the rest
of the world when we're happy doing us.

- [COCKS GUN]
- Sorry, baby. Gotta run.

Uncuff me
or I'll mess up that pretty face.

Oh, damn!

Mm-hm.

That's some pretty intense shit
right there.

But I gotta tell you...

I'm gonna have a ball watching you try.

Dang, man!

You didn't think I was gonna let you
get ahead of me again, did you?

And do us both a favor,

and stop pretending
this version of you works, huh?

When an entire region
agrees what the time is and you don't,

either move to Arizona
with the mountain standard time hooligans

or change.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Ranch, honey mustard and mayo.
You must think I'm a goddamn fool.

Ow!

"Ow" nothing.

[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

[SIGHS]

That's your twentiest stroke.

Hurry up!

This is the grizzly bear mouth.

It's not an easy hole.

Come on.

["THE GIRL" PLAYING]

♪ Best place to start
straight from the heart ♪

♪ Things mean a lot to me ♪

All right.

Let's do this.

♪ No one to blame ♪

♪ Not one to leave behind ♪

♪ She's a one of a kind
Nothing to fear, now is she clear? ♪

♪ She's a one of a kind
Or is it shocking? ♪

♪ She's a one of a kind
You're not the first, won't be the last ♪

[BLAIR SCREAMS AND LAUGHS]

[MILES] Oh!

How's that feel?

I like it.

Mm, but I think I need
to breathe into it a little.

Mm... Would you breathe with me?

I'd love to.

Okay.

[BREATHES IN DEEPLY]

[BREATHES OUT DEEPLY]

Mm.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm happy.

[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

["BECAUSE OF YOU" PLAYING]

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ You saved my mind ♪

♪ You saved my life ♪

♪ You put me back together ♪

♪ With your bed ♪

♪ You stayed with me ♪

♪ You laid with me ♪

♪ It was darkness ♪

♪ Till we became each other ♪

♪ You just don't know oh oh ♪

♪ You just don't know oh oh ♪

♪ How beautiful oh oh ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ It doesn't make sense ♪

♪ But it's okay ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm okay ♪

♪ I'm so okay ♪

♪ Because of you ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Because of you ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪