Teenage Bounty Hunters (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Daddy's Truck - full transcript

♪ My whole existence is flawed ♪

♪ You get me closer to God ♪

What...

What's that for?

Uh...

Uh, wait, wait, wait, Sterling, um...

My virginity is a gift
that I want to give to my future wife,

and I'm pretty sure you want to give
the same gift to your future husband,

so even though I'm feeling very, um...

Horny?

Tempted.



Even though I'm feeling
very tempted, um...

I think we should pray...

for restraint.

Okay?

All right.

Dear Lord, please take away.

Satan's wicked temptation.

You are good and gracious,

and we strive to be good and gracious

in the face of the...

The devil.

Okay. Okay.

John 3:16: "God so loved the world"

that He gave His one and only son



that whoever believes in Him,
shall not perish

"but have eternal life."

Wait... uh, what?

Whoever believes in Him
will have eternal life.

You believe in Jesus, don't you?

Of course.

Well, then you shall have eternal life.

Mm... Oh...

Wow.

"The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not be in want."

"I shall not be in want."

Oh, man. I really love you.

First Peter 4:8...

Hm.

"And above all, love each other... deeply

because love covers...

"...a multitude... of... sin..."

What did you think?

- I thought it was really dope.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah, that was... that was super dope.

What was your favorite part?

I guess, the end?

Yeah, that twisty thing,
where I added the second hand?

That's a new move. Uh...

You experienced my world premiere.

I was just meaning, like,
at the end where I...

Oh, r...

- Right. Right, right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Um...

Did it feel better than when
you do it with your own hand?

I mean, like... no...

but it's still, like, a lot cooler

because you got tits...

...and stuff like that, you know?

Thank you. That's so helpful.

- No, you will...
- You want to try and win?

- I don't think you need to cheat...
- Okay. Let's see.

Go ahead.

- Give me that thumb. Give it to me.
- Take it.

Oh. 'Sup, guys.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Nothing much.

- All right. I'm out of here.
- Bye, dude.

Have a good night.

Good night, guys.

See ya.

- Bye, Luke.
- Later, man.

Bye!

I know this goes without saying,

but let's keep this private.

Sterling, are you sure
we feel okay about this?

We sinned against God.

But we love each other,
and love covers over a multitude of sins.

I really do love you.

And I really, really love you...

- And your penis.
- What?

Sterling.

I think I like Jennings.

I know, shocker. The slutty twin
actually having feelings for somebody,

but hear me out.
Three weeks with one guy

is definitely a record for me.

And I've been thinking,

maybe this is the year I... I... I do it.

I stop being the "everything but" slut
and seal the deal.

I've done my research,

and it's probably
going to hurt the first time,

but with patience and a shit ton
of coconut oil...

Nature's lube, you need to know that.

...it's gonna get awesome.

I think I'm finally ready to bone, Sterl.

Okay. Jeez, Virgin Mary.

You have nothing to say?

Um...

Actually, technically,
you can't call me that anymore,

seeing as... Luke and I just had sex.

I'm sorry, what?

Luke and I... just had intercourse.

- Intercourse?
- Yeah.

- You?
- Yeah.

- Sex?
- Yeah!

Like, "sex" that I talk about
all the time?

- Sorry.
- In your vagina?

- I know.
- Yeah. Oh, my God.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Okay, I... you're...

I guess you're the sluttier twin now.

- Oh, my God! Tell me everything...
- Blair!

Jesus, mother of God!

God darn it!

Dude, that dude looks fine.

I say we split!

A hit-and-run? Are you insane?

Obviously, we call the police
and then Mom and Dad...

No! No! No!

Are you forgetting that Dad doesn't know
we took his precious hunting truck?

You know what? I'm going
to give that dude a piece of my mind.

Well, be careful.

Um, hi, asshole.

A girl?

I've been chased for the last 20 miles
by some dumb skirt.

Can't believe I even broke a sweat.

Back off, bitch.

Language, sir.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Okay.

All right, no need to get
carried away, girls.

All right, I'll come.

Look, I wasn't even trying
to skip bail, all right?

I just...

I got some personal shit to take care of.

Getting fitted for Invisalign.

Okay, buck teeth.
Put your hands on the car.

Hold on a minute!

I've been tracking this broke-dick dog...

for three days straight.

And y'all gonna swoop in
and snag my bounty, huh?

Well, lucky for you...

I keep it professional.

Since you cornered him,

I'll kick you 20 percent of the 5K.

- They think we're bounty hunters.
- I caught on to that.

- And dude's gonna give us 1000 dollars.
- Fast math!

Sale math. Look, Sterling, I know
you think this is sketchy or whatever,

but we need that money to fix Dad's truck.

Please! Pretty please! Play along!

- Half. We should get half.
- Wait, what?

Did half the work,
should get half the money.

- Oh. Um... Yeah, okay.
- Wait, are you wussing out?

No, I'm not a wuss.

- Good, neither am I.
- Good.

- Good! Great!
- Awesome!

After this, can we get Chick-fil-A?
I am so hungry.

Focus! And yes.

- Half.
- Yes, we want half.

Y'all are cute.

That your daddy's shotgun you got there?

This here's a Mossberg 500.

I used to be a Remington 870
kind of girl,

I like the shell lifter placement
of the Mossberg better.

Now, what I really prefer
is this Glock 19.

It's so lightweight.

But yes, mister, I got it from Daddy!

Christmas!

Y'all a piece of work, I give you that.

But I don't give big cuts to folks

unless they've been bringin' the heat
from the beginning, okay?

And this one here,
I've been tracking him for a while.

He's slicker than a can of oil.

Got more tricks in his bag
than Felix the... Cat!

Damn it, don't you run from me.

Cayden! Cayden!

Goddamn it, I've been running
my mouth like I'm on a talk show.

Oh, shit!

- What are we doing?
- Hell if I know.

Are we, like, getting this dude?

I guess! I guess!

- So we are, yes?
- Yeah! Hell yeah!

Yeah! Freeze, motherfucker!

Freeze, Jethro.

Salads. I've got to eat more salads.

Oh. Ha!

I hope there's no ticks in this grass.

You! Stop, you!

What am I doing?

I am not Vin Diesel.

I got you!

I got you!

Stop the car!

Damn it!

Hey.

- I got him.
- All right.

Oh, my gosh, Blair, that was crazy.

- Hey, you fixed my door.
- Get out!

Move!

Show me your hands, fool.

All right, new deal.

Okay, so instead of half,

we're just gonna go ahead and...

And take all the money,

since we... we got the... the perp.

You know something? You're right.

You're absolutely right.

So, you two have fun
wrangling this 280 pound sack of shit...

- Two-forty.
- Shut the hell up, Cayden!

...and delivering him to jail
in your janked up truck.

Because I'm through.

Um, yeah.

Wait. We're actually...
we're good with... we're good with half.

Yeah, we just decided.

Who are you, anyway?

- Blair, Sterling.
- Sterling, Blair.

Wow.

Y'all track skips around here a lot?

Yeah. Yeah,
here and there. Yeah, sometimes...

Sometimes here
and other times, there.

What about you?

I'm new to Atlanta,

but I've been bounty huntin'
just shy of ten year.

Oh, yeah, we're bounty hunters, too.

That I gathered.

And also, she got laid today.

Oh, nice.

Like, full repetitive penetration.

Congratulations.

- Eww.
- Jesus.

But yeah, she did
and I'm really proud of her.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Y'all are just weird.

♪ Gorgeous, great, awesome ♪

♪ And wise ♪

♪ Hope for our time ♪

♪ God of the sky ♪

♪ You are greater than me ♪

♪ Greater than us ♪

♪ Wiser than the world's ♪

♪ Strong... ♪

Sorry. Sorry.

This summer, I was so blessed

that my amazing daddy

let me and my squad

use his helicopter
to hop up to our lake house

for a discipleship weekend.

We had such a productive time

in quiet worship and, of course,
doing acts of service.

We knitted sweaters for the sick,
dirty babies with tiny heads in Brazil.

Sweaters filled
with Christ's infinite love.

Oh.

"Abril" means "April" in
Brazilian.

Ooh, Abril. Wow. Okay...

My spirit is so heavy
for those pequito niños.

Hmm.

That's a great slide show, April.

Yes, friends.

Okay, but we do need to move on.

Listen, everybody,
we had some excellent submissions

for this year's Fellowship student leader.

- But when...
- Bee tee dubs,

if you all want to see more pictures

of me being a Christian leader,

check out my Instagram,

hashtag "April helps sick kids
through Christ."

Yes. Oh, yes, we will do that.

Okay, but like I was saying, guys,

we had a lot of great candidates,

but this year, I choose the individual

who earnestly represents
Jesus' path on this Earth, right?

I mean, this young woman

makes Christ proud every single day.

So when you guys are struggling, right?

And you're struggling
on your path with the Lord,

I want you to look to her
for guidance, okay?

This year's
Fellowship student leader is...

Sterling Wesley!

Yes!

Recount!

Whoo whoo!

Um...

Thank you so much.

I wasn't expecting this.

What an honor. Um...

I'm really looking forward
to this responsibility

of helping guide you guys
on your faith journeys.

Oh, um...

I...

Uh, lately, I've been
feeling God's presence in my life

more so than ever before,

and yeah, I just feel Christ inside me.

But not like inside me,

like, um,
like not like "inside" inside me,

like, just... um, if...
you know what I mean, right?

Like... Um...

Sterling Wesley!

It was a great meeting, everybody.

Oh, I love you.

Okay.

Wow.

- I know.
- That's crazy.

Congratulations, I'm so proud of you.

Oh. Thanks.

Thanks. Um...

Yeah.

Uh... I'll see you...

I'll see you at lunch.

- Yeah, at lunch. Yeah. See ya.
- Okay.

Wait a minute.

Sterling, congratulations!

Oh, I'm so looking forward
to working with you this year.

We are going to have so much fun!

And I just know you'll bring something
extra special to this position, huh?

Thanks, Ellen. It's an honor.

Oh, I know it is.

Okay. Well, we got the lock-in coming up.

So, I'll need your full attention on that.

And then why don't we just
plan to meet sometime soon

and discuss next week's
devotional reading.

- Okay.
- It's always good

to start the year off with abstinence.

Abstinence as a devotional topic,
is that right?

Ooh, call the police, Blair!

Rocking boots!

You know, Jesus was a rebel too.

Yeah. I heard that he saw Nine Inch Nails
20 times on the Downward Spiral tour.

Wow.

You have a great imagination, Blair.

It is beautiful.

I love you girls.

Text me if you need me.

I can't be Fellowship leader.

What, why? It's, like, your whole thing.

I can't lead a Christian Community
if I've... you know?

Had sex with your long-term boyfriend?

- Who cares?
- Everyone cares.

But what I mean is,
do you think you did anything wrong?

Not any more wrong than it was wrong

that I lied about farting in the car
this morning.

A sin's a sin. You know?

If you repent, then you're forgiven
in the eyes of the Lord, so...

Right, so what's the issue?

I feel like a liar.

If Ellen knew I was sexually active,

then forget student leader,

she'd kick me out
of Fellowship altogether.

So, you're either an honest slut
or a lying slut?

- Yeah.
- Hey, at least with Fellowship,

you have something impressive
to put on your college apps.

Be a lying slut.

Okay.

Congratulations on Fellowship, Sterling.

Thank you, April.

I really thought it was going to be me,

but I'm glad it wasn't

because I'm going
to be so busy this year

with other extracurriculars
like Young Republicans, Forensics,

Latin club,
the "Straight-Straight" Alliance.

I think the straights are already aligned.

Yo, B!

That's really good for you, April.

Yeah, it is.

- Sorry, Sterling.
- Jeez.

That is my bad, man.

She, like, totally forgives you.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, you think
I wouldn't help a fellow...

Christian?

All right, well...

I gotta go to Gym.

I will see you later. All right, dude?

Okay, dude.

Wait, Jennings. I have Gym, too.

She just took the condom wrapper.

How was your weekend?

Did you hang out with Sterling
and Luke at all?

Uh, why are you talking to me?

She's gonna tell
the whole fricking school.

She can't prove anything.

Does she have to?

People's faith in gossip is stronger
than their faith in the Almighty.

Hello, girls.

Chloe, baby. How's my girl?

Brownies, fresh out of the oven.

I call corners.

Blair, I would stick to just one.

You know, sugar makes you break out

and lacrosse season's coming up.

You want to look your best.

Oh, great point, Mom.

Good looks are vital
to a successful career in sports.

Just ask Michael Phelps.

Michael Phelps is kind of cute.

Andre the Giant.

How was school?

- Lame.
- Good.

Sterling got Fellowship leader.

Baby, yes!

What's all this hollerin'?

Oh, Sterling got Fellowship leader.

Way to go, princess!

I was Fellowship leader
back in high school.

Did I mention that I killed it today
in lax practice, like a total badass?

- Language. Bad.
- But...

That is fantastic, Blair. What'd you do?

Did you give those attackers
the old "Wesley check"?

Yes, sir. You know it.

I'm so proud of my girls.

Hey, I called the corners!

Okay, just texted Bowser
that we're on our way.

Honestly, Blair, is there not another way
we could get the money?

Is prostitution legal
in the state of Georgia

if the prostitute is super into it?

I'm serious.

Okay, we're going to pick up the 2,500,

get Dad's truck fixed before the weekend,

and then never think about this again.

But, what if 2,500 doesn't cover it?

Can't you buy a whole new car for that?

We can't take the Volt.

What kind of bounty hunters
drive a hybrid?

Um, the kind that doesn't want Atlanta

to be waterfront property
by the year 2030.

Oh, come on, let's just take the truck.

I'd rather Dad notice that it's
gone than notice it's...

- Completely F'ed?
- Exactly.

Come on, you dirty old hippie.
Let's go!

You know, you're technically
three minutes older than me.

And I'm not a hippie!

Ew.

Here they come.

Hey, Cath, could you get the bathroom
for me, too, please?

Aye-aye, Cap'n.

Okay, we're not on a ship.

Just let her be happy, Bowser.

Just let her be happy.

Is this your "job" job?
I thought you were a bounty-hunter.

Can I have a vanilla
with extra gummy bears?

Wait. You.
Don't knock my side-hustle, kid.

Trust me. You never know.

And yes, you can have extra gummy bears,

that'll be an extra 75 cents.

Do you sing if I tip?

No, I will not sing.

You're no fun.

- What is...?
- Hey! What you waitin' on?

Come on.

You, uh... got the cash?

Yup.

Turn around, please.

Thank you.

All right.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Go for Bowser.

No. No. No. No. Yolanda.

Don't give it to that bitch-ass, Terrance.

I'll find him.

I know.

The Men's Parlor. I know.

Because I'll find...

You heard what I said, didn't you?

Shit.

Hey. Put that back.

What are you doing? Here you go.

Count it, Sterling.

Yep, 2,500.

- That's great. Thank you. It's good.
- All right.

Good doing business with you.

- As the old saying goes, "Bye."
- Uh...

Hey, Bowser.

Yeah.

Uh...

You look... manly.

Oily... Uh...

Vehicular-ly inclined.

Anyway, do you know
how much it might cost us

to get that fixed? Roughly?

Oily, huh? Yeah.

Well, as a man who's crashed many cars,

I'd say you'd probably run yourself
about 5K worth of damage here.

Yeah.

Um... Do you have any more jobs?

Ah, jeez, if I had any more jobs,

if I had more jobs... Look...

I like you girls. I do.

You're fast as hell.

You run like a deer. It was amazing.

And you, you're a freakishly good shot.

But I've got rent to pay.

I can't split my rewards
on folks I can nab on my own, see?

Hey, we get it.

Yeah, well,
getting it is half the battle, ah?

So, what do you want to do now?

Go to the Men's Parlor?

That secret club of which
we know the exact location?

Hey, uh, what's the address over there?

The address alone
won't get you very far.

- And why is that?
- You need us to get in it.

It... um... It's in this country club

and they only cater to
this specific clientele, it's...

- White people.
- Blair.

What? It's true!

I don't think
it's written in stone, but...

actually, it... it might be.

So, unfortunately these places
have some outdated policies that don't...

Okay. Enough with the Black history,
Reverend Al Sharpton. I get it.

They're racist.

- Right.
- Yes.

Yeah, so you can have the address for,

I don't know, say... a hundred,

or you could have personal whitey escorts

- for three thou...
- Five.

Five thousand dollars.

If you deliver me John Stevens,

y'all will get paid.

John Stevens, dude.

It can't be April's dad. There's gotta
be a bajillion John Stevenses.

Bajillion John Stevenses
that belong to Men's Parlor?

April's dad is the creep
on our eighth grade trip to Jekyll Island

that said I was developing nicely.

Oh, barf. Yes.

I'd love to arrest him
and watch April squirm.

Are you wearing my Savage X Fenty
bralette again?

I hate you. You'll stink it up
with your smelly boobs.

Now's not the time.

Cool. We know John Stevens.

Say again.

Oh, yeah, we brought him in before.

What did the old boy do this time?

Solicitation and battery.

Real pillar of his community.

Skipped bail last week, even.

Having a meeting tonight
at The Men's Parlor at 6:00.

My bail bondsman. My bail bondswoman...

My bail bondsperson got a tip.

Dope.

Let's ride.

- Dope. Let's ride.
- Hey! My car.

Well, this is some Django shit.

Hey, Trevor. Hey, Miles.

Hey, Miss Wesley.

Miss Wesley.

Hey, Miles.

Oh, uh,
you guys going to be parking today?

No. He's just dropping us off.

Park down by the service entrance,

download Fruit Ninja.

We'll be back with your guy.

What the hell is a "fruit ninja"?

I'm really hoping you have a plan.

Not so much a plan as like a general
idea... ish... ment.

Care to enlighten me?

Okay, how about...

we walk into The Men's Parlor
like a couple of Lara Crofts.

And then we slip some of my melatonin
into Mr. Stevens' drink,

like James Bond and then we grab him...

Or we can clock him in the head
with this pistol?

You brought a pistol?

Hello, girls...

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Jenson.
Y'all are looking sharp.

Thank you.

I love that nail color, Mrs. Jenson.

It's like skin color, but prettier.

Y'all are too dang sweet.

Tell your mother and daddy we said hello.

Yes, ma'am, and see you Sunday morning
bright and early.

Oh, you will.

Aren't they precious?
I wish Frank would date one of them.

I wasn't going to meet up
with a bounty hunter unarmed.

That's just common sense.

Stranger danger.

He's not here. It's past six o'clock...

Hey. What are you two doing in here?

Come on, get over here.

Quick.

Are you two crazy?

That's The "Men's" Parlour.

Neither of you are mens.

Uh...

Y... Yeah, obviously.

But, I don't see a Women's Parlour here.

So, we're here in protest. Okay?

♪ Show me what
a Women's Parlour looks like ♪

♪ This is what
a Women's Parlour looks like! ♪

♪ Show me what a Women's... ♪

Uh... Uh... We're looking for John Stevens.

We heard he had a meeting.
Know where we can find him?

If I told you, I would lose my job.

You know how weird this place is
about secrets and traditions.

Hey, Miles.

Hey.

Miles, we, uh...

really...

need your help...

here. So...

Uh...

All right, he's in the humidor.

It's where a group of guys
called The Bourbon Club meet.

Great. Where is it?

- It's around that corner, but...
- Okay. Thanks, Miles.

Okay, we'll see you later.

Did you see that?
I, like, totally seduced him.

Focus! I think it's this.

Oh.

There's nothing here.

Well...

thanks for nothing, Miles.

What are y'all in the mood for?

We got top shelf or...
hell, we can all slum it with Beam.

Find that single barrel
we like so much from Pigeon Forge. Mm.

Anyway, now y'all gonna have to
believe me when I tell y'all...

- that was Gerald.
- And now you're tellin' fibs.

No, he's not.
Girl was there, and the cops were coming

and John happened to be
at the motel bar.

Gerald asked him to take the fall.

Gerald's got rage issues.

Saying you're the one who beat up a whore
is a damn big sacrifice.

He's been my business partner
for 18 years.

Wife's in hospice care.

Ovarian cancer's got her any day now.

I couldn't let Gerald
ruin himself in her eyes,

so when she passes, he'll confess.

And until then, I'm hidin' out.

Dadgum, you're a good man, John.

A lot better than I'd have done,
that's for damn sure.

Yeah, we know.

Hey, I found it. There it is.

Finally.

Bring that on in. Mmm.

It's looking good.

Sterling!

Holy shit.

Mr. Stevens was just
protecting his fuckboy partner.

We can't bring him in.

Dude, we need the money.

He didn't do it, it would be wrong.
You know this!

Ow!

You can be very un-fun sometimes!

Hm.

Get out of here! Oh, peach!

I'm a fruit ninja.

Hey, uh...

He wasn't there.

Goddamn it, I thought you said
you knew what you were doin'.

We thought that you said
that you knew what you were doing.

Yeah, Bowser, so you must of...
had some misinformation.

Shhhit.

Misinformation.

Oh, that's awesome.

That's...

That's, that's it.

That was amazing.

Mmm. I love you.

I love you.

- Oh. Hey, babe.
- Hey.

How was your day?

It was really good.
Did you have a good day?

I had such a good day.

- Okay, yeah... See ya.
- Do you...?

- Okay.
- See ya. Uh, I go... I got golf.

You totally just boned.

We made love.

You mean you boned, but slower?

That must have been so intense.

It was kind of awesome.

Oh, my God. When he's...

Hi, Sterling.

- Hi, April.
- Hi, Blair.

If my...

If I didn't know my fate at this school

rested in her cold little
condom-wrapper-grabbing hands,

I'd feel bad for April about her dad.

I hate her dumb bitch face but... yeah.

If his business partner doesn't confess,
does he have to go to jail for him?

She'd have one more thing to pray about,
that's for sure.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Check your phone. Shit!

You don't have to sign who it's from.

Disappointment is beyond
what your father and I feel right now.

- We trusted you girls...
- The Volt is so small.

Oh, you do not interrupt me
when I'm talking to you...!

You do not interrupt your mother.

Took your father's truck
without permission.

You treated it like trash

and what's more, you didn't even tell us
about crashing it.

You were dishonest
and you were irresponsible.

That's right.

We've decided that you two
will have to pay for the repairs.

That's right, you'll have to get jobs.

And if you can't handle that,

then we will fix the truck
with the money we spend

sending you to Willingham.

Oh, that's good.

See if y'all can handle public school.

Is that what y'all want? Public school?

Where the principal wears blue jeans,

and the classrooms are just

one long bench and a chalkboard on wheels.

- No, ma'am.
- Maybe.

Young lady, don't you get smart with me.

Now, are we understood?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go.

Go!

- I'm just...
- Mm.

If we leave right now,
we can still make our court.

Ooh.

That's good good good good good good.

That's good.

- Go away!
- Hey.

Or come in.

Hey.

Mm-mm.

We need work, Bowser.

And I need a big house with a white
picket fence

and Tawny Kitaen in the back,
cooking me up some pancakes.

- That's what I need.
- We're serious.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I can tell.

Well, I gave you a chance

and you didn't catch the skip,

so it doesn't sound promising to me.

You can use us.

We have a lot of power in the community.

Like, the rich people community.

Yeah, okay, then.

Find me John Stevens.

You know, solicitation of a prostitute
and battery,

that just doesn't sound like John Stevens.
Are you sure that the charges are right?

I would hate to put him away
if he didn't really do it.

Hold it right there.

A bounty hunter catches a guy
and collects the bounty.

- Whether he did it...
- Or she...

Whether he or she did it
is no concern of mine.

And if you're real bounty hunters,

it shouldn't be any of yours, either.

- He knows we're not bounty hunters.
- Maybe he doesn't,

so just chill.

Okay. Yeah, I can do that.

Just soooo chill.

- Just super chill.
- Chill.

So chill.

I know you're not really bounty hunters.

- Aw, shit.
- Aw, shoot.

I mean, "Come again, dog?"

I ran your plates, kid.

You're the teenage daughters
of Anderson and Deborah Wesley

of 495 Albemarle Circle.

Before that you were at
716 Margaret Mitchell.

By the way, your mama
has six unpaid parking tickets.

You post on TikTok 4.2 times a week.

- Should I go on?
- TikTok is an art.

How do you know all of that?

Because I'm good at my job,

which is why I was going
to let you get away with this

until you deliver me John Stevens.

He's a big payday,

but obviously that's beyond your scope.

But you said yourself
we're good at this stuff.

Did I really say that?

- Yes.
- I don't...

Okay, but it just doesn't
make sense for me, girls.

It'd be like I was babysitting.

And who wants to see me with a baby?

Do you understand? Hell, come on.

Feel free to come by here
any time to say hi.

Because y'all crack me up.

Don't arrest John Stevens.
We have inside information.

- He's innocent.
- Yeah.

Inside information, hm?

All right, let's see.

Take a look at that.

Security footage
from the night of the arrest.

Oh, my gosh, it's totally him.

This is bonkerballs.

Mr. Stevens did it,
that little lying piece of shit.

- He beat up that poor woman.
- We should have known.

He just happened to be at the bar?
Motels don't have bars.

Oh, yeah.

God, you're so smart.
It's kind of annoying.

Oh.

Okay, we need to find him.

Hey, text Miles and see
if he's at The Men's Parlour.

Good idea.

He said he can't tell me.

Tell him you'll go on a date with him.

He's not there.

Please!

There's no way he's hiding out at home.

How the hell are we gonna find out
where he went?

I might have an idea.

You might have an idea
or actually have an idea.

No, I have an idea. Let me have my cool,
ominous moment.

Okay, sorry.

It's just not cool.

Hey, April, we need to talk to you.

The pressures of Fellowship
too much already?

I wish I could help.

Oh, bless your heart.

Uh, no, we met with your daddy this week,

and he so graciously offered to sponsor
our field trip to the soup kitchen.

What a sweet man.

Yeah, the problem is
that funding is due tomorrow

and we can't seem to find him.
Do you know where he is?

You met with him earlier this week?

Yeah, Monday. Lovely office.

Gorgeous interior design.

That's funny, because he took
his helicopter to Hilton Head

for a golf retreat ten days ago.

- Ooh.
- Okay... what?

I'll explain later.

Oh. Sorry, did I say this past Monday?

I meant the Monday before that.
I'm...

- It's been a long day...
- Yeah.

...and yeah, my brain's like
melted into a puddle, and, yeah.

I don't know what you little tramps
think you're up to,

but I know you're lying.

You do not want to mess with me, honey.

Just need the money to continue
to spread Christ's love.

- No need to get worked up about it.
- Stay away from my family.

Have a blessed night.

Oh, you too, sweetie.

Read the room, Hannah B.
For the love of God, read the room.

Hey, Sterl?

I wonder what Ellen would say
if she knew

that while I was home making
care packages for homeless teens,

her star Fellowship leader was
spreading her legs for Luke Creswell

in the senior lot.

Gosh.

What would the whole school... say?

Hoarder.

It was fun while it lasted, Sterl, huh?

Our little life of badassery?

Just would have been nice if it ended

after we got the money
to pay back Mom and Dad.

Maybe we can get jobs at that
other Yogurtopia on Peachtree.

Might not suck so hard
if we get the same shift.

"Hashtag
April helps sick kids through Christ."

What?

That's the hashtag of April's
discipleship weekend.

Where she took that
stupid helicopter to her lake house.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

I bet he is hiding out there.

But how do we find the address?

Well, if April geo-tagged the photos,
then...

Except she blocked me.

And her dad's account is private.

Unless...

Ooh.

Take one of me like this.

Sterling take... Sterling.

Ster... Sterling! What are you doing?

Fake account, sexy profile pics,

send a follow request and...

Oh.

And now we wait.

Yeah.

Okay.

Top five... hottest guys at Willingham.

Besides Luke and Jennings?

Yeah. Of... Of course...

- Um...
- Okay.

The first one's easy, obviously.

- Owen Caruthers.
- Yeah. Chase Holten.

- What? No!
- Eww.

Owen's, like, spooky hot.

Chase is, like, boring and hot.

I like his hair-swoopy thing

and he looks like he'd
be a really good cuddler.

Owen looks like he's going
to die of some old-timey disease.

Yeah, I love that.

Hey.

Oh, dang, that was fast.

Clearly a boob man.

Okay, we have the address. Let's go!

Wait wait wait wait...

What about Fellowship?

What about April
ruining your Christian reputation?

He beat up a prostitute.

Letting John Stevens walk around
free of judgment?

That just wouldn't
be the Christian thing to do.

Okay!

Christ for the win!

Badassery reinstated.

It's coming up.

He's not in the den.

Go.

Dude...

Look. Look.

That must be him.

We're straight-up detectives.

It's so baller.

I feel baller.

Adventure kind of makes me horny.

Everything makes you horny.

Come on.

Dear Lord!

Sterling?

I want to say, Jessica?

What are you ladies doing here?

You know, you're lucky
I didn't use my gun.

That's okay. We'll use ours.

Prostitute beater!

The hell are you doing?

I'll have you arrested. What the hell?

Actually, Mr. Stevens,
it's kind of the opposite.

We're having you arrested.

- We'll have you arrested.
- What?

Remember when you thought
it would be cool

to cheat on your wife with a prostitute
and then beat her up?

Turns out, not so cool.

- Yeah, not so cool.
- You little cunts.

"Little C-words?"

Mr. Stevens,
you crossed a line. That's nasty.

Guess what else is nasty?

I've peed in your pool.

A bunch.

How dare you? Get out of my way!

Oh, nice move, goalie.

Yeah. Gave him the old "Wesley check".

By the way, my name is Blair, bitch.

- Can you "drink" me?
- Yep.

God, I'm still absolutely starving.

I've literally never been hungrier.

Oh, y'all gonna be sorry.

Hey, Mr. Stevens?

Could you shut the fuck up?

...and we asked about the help wanted
poster.

And he, like, hired us on the spot.

Another great thing
is the hours are flexible

and they're open late.

So, instead of going to parties,
you can go to work.

That sounds fair.

So tell me, what's the pay?

- Oh.
- Oh. I think it's like, um...

like a hundred...

Fifty?

A hundred fifty dollars an hour?

- Oh, no...
- Dollars? No.

- Like, dimes an hour.
- Yeah.

Obviously.

- That's fifteen bucks an hour.
- Yeah.

Right? Because when in, um...

Hi, Mr. Bowser! Meet our parents.

Ah.

Hey.

- Hi!
- All right.

Yeah, all right.

Gotta get this...

Oh, hey, you know, hey. The kids...

Uh, they're good.

Uh, good job. Yeah.

- They're all right.
- Yes, all right.

All right.
Well, we will see y'all at home.

- Yeah.
- Be safe.

Blair, honey, don't you think
maybe you should tie your hair back?

You know, being around all this food.

Yeah. Yes, Mama.

Okay. Oh, nice to meet you.

Uh... toodle-oo, then.

Take care, Miss Cathy.

- Love you!
- Bye!

- Love y'all.
- Drive safe.

Sterling, who am I?

Well, hey, who am I?

No, her hand's... Her hand's here.

Ah, Jesus.

What's happening? Did y'all pay for that?

You can just take it
out of our fifty percent.

Okay, girls, you need to understand that
there's a seniority in this business,

and I've been doing it
much longer than you have,

so that has earned me
a certain level of status, see?

So I'll give you 2K

and the name of my guy who'll
fix your truck up for you cheap.

Um...

Well, what if we don't accept that?

Oh, this is you playing hardball?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Seeing as how you're underage

and can't secure a license to bounty hunt,

if you want to keep working with me,

I don't think you have any options
but to accept my terms.

So, you want to keep working with us?

I suppose I could, uh, see your potential

to broaden my access around these parts.

Oh, Jesus.

Yelp says you don't close until eleven.

- So does your voicemail.
- Goddamn it.

Visors on, let's go.

Hey.

Come on.

And put that hair in a bun or somethin'.
Fix it up.

You sound like my mom.