Teen Titans Go! (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Grube's Fairytales - full transcript

Robin tries to teach the Titans valuable life lessons by reading them fairytales, but the others co-opt his stories and spin them into their own twisted yarns.

"Grube's Fairytales"

All right! Oh!

Hark, me lords, and listen ye well,

forsooth, my ladies,
I have tales to tell.

What are you doing, bro?

Canst thou not see, me lord?
I am but a humble bard.

Nice pantaloons.

Oh, I thought he was
wearing the man diaper.

This is not a man diaper!

I am a bard here to excite thee

with tales of adventure
and morality.

Hey, bard.

Do you go pee-pee in that
man diaper?

Bards do not pee-pee in their pants!

They tell stories that
instill morals and character.

- Isn't that what you always do anyway?
- And you never listen.

So, I'm engaging in these theatrics
to trick you into learning.

What's wrong with
our character and morals now?

- Everything!
- Can we at least get some snacks

if we're gonna have to
listen to you tell stories?

Snacks? Funny you mention that.

I just happen to have a story

about two children who
loved snacks so much,

they almost died.

Lend me your ears and listen ye well

to the magical tale
that I shall now tell.

A story of children with large appetites

cast out in the forest
on the coldest of nights.

Oh, you're talking
about Hansel and Gretel.

- We know that one.
- Yeah, let us tell it!

No! Only the bard can tell the story!

The bard can pee-pee in his man diaper.

We're telling the story.

Once upon those olden times,

Hansel and Gretel ate all the food
and got kicked out of the house.

I told you not to eat
all the schnitzels!

Maybe you should have
shared the strudel.

Well, great. Now we're
starving and lost in the forest.

That's not even the worst of it, bro.

I hear there's witches out here.

Oh, yoo-hoo!

Little children, all
alone in the forest.

You must be starving.
Why not have a nibble of

mine scrumptious candy
house to fill those tummies?

- Don't you live in there?
- Well, yeah. This is mine house.

So you walk around in there
getting your hair stuck in everything?

Perhaps, there is a bit of
armpit hairs here and there, yeah.

Who cares if there's armpit hair?
Look at those gumdrops!

Ah! All right, we'll eat your house.

These foolish children have no idea

I lured them here to be eaten.

I am so hungry, but they will
make quite a meal.

Little children!

You cannot start a meal with dessert.

Why not try a hot appetizer instead?

Yo, I could crush
those mozzarella sticks!

There is dipping sauce in the fountain.


Hey! They were going to
eat my house, you old bag!

I think they should decide.


Do not fill up on
appetizers, my Liebchen.

The main course is ready.

Try my delicious meat and potato house.

- I love meat!
- I love potatoes!

Ah! You leaches are eating all
of the children I lure here.

- I'm starving.
- Don't blame us if the children

refuse to eat your hairy candy canes.

How dare you speak of mine
candy canes in such way!

Ah! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

That was so yummy.

- Ah! Thanks for the meal, ladies.
- Catch you later.

Our delicious houses...

Where will we live now?

I cannot afford another appetizer house.

No, we are on
the fixed incomes!

And so Hansel and Gretel left

having enjoyed a delicious
three-course meal.

And the witches froze
to death during the long

- winter that followed.
- Moral of the story:

"Don't make your house
out of foods. That's dumb."

That is not a moral!

Well, it should be.
Can we leave now?

You cannot leave this
tower until I've told you

the story of a girl who
could not leave her tower.

Lend me your ears!
I will tell you a tale of a tower

and within it, a maiden so fair who is

- blessed with long locks of luxurious...
- Oh, Rapunzel.

I'll tell it fast so at least one of us
can get out of her tower.

There was a princess named Rapunzel

who was trapped in a tower.

All the princes of the
land wanted to rescue her.

Hey, yo, Rapunzel!
Let me get up in that tower, girl!

The tower had no stairs,
but luckily, Rapunzel

was gifted with long,
healthy and very curly...


Come on, prince.
Are you going to rescue me or not?

No, I'm good, yo.

- It's the nails, isn't it?
- Can you just cut 'em?

What would you use to
climb up and rescue me?

They're just so gnarly.

You princes are worthless.

Forget this. If I'm gonna
escape, I'll just do it myself.

M'lady, I would ask for
your hand in marriage.

Also, I have brought you this nail file.

No one's gonna cage this bird again.

And so Rapunzel went
on to live an awesome life

of adventure and intrigue
using her rad fingernails

to slice and dice her
way to fame and fortune.

So, the moral of the story is
"Forget boys."

Get paid!

Get the money, get the cash!

You are ruining these stories!

I quite enjoyed the tale
of the fingernail princess.

- Yo, can we eat now?
- All you do is eat!

Good thing I have another
story about eating.

Listen, knaves, and
interrupt not my story,

or your demise by my hand
will be swift and gory.

This is the tale of a girl
in a hood who met a large wolf

- deep in the woods.
- Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, the story of the diminutive female

who wore the red cloak of the riding.

I am quite familiar with
this tale of the folk.

Please, let me...

Once upon a particular time interval

the girl of the red ridings and hoods

was bringing the treats
to her grandmother.

Ooh, I have the hunger.
I suppose grandmother

will not mind if I have a
small bite of her snacks.

Oh, hello, Mr. Wolf.

It is good to see
you, but I cannot dally

for I am on my way to
the grandmother's house.

Oh, and what a lovely girl you are

- to help your grandmother so.
- No, alas, I am not.

I ate up her snacks and
now the basket is empty.

All of the snacks you say?
You must be stuffed.

To be quite honest I am
still having the hungries.

Well, if we're being honest,
I could have a bite myself.


Oh, I should have saved some
wolf for the grandmother.

I suppose I can still give
her this warm fur coat.

Say, Father...
Father, where are you?

We are so lost and so very cold.

If Father is missing, who'll
get the medicine for Mother?

She is so very ill.

Oh, dear!
Those poor, poor wolf babies.

What have I done!

Hello and wolf greetings
to you, my little fuzzies.


- Um... Wolf, wolf.
- Father, you look so strange.

What long eyelashes you have.

Uh, the better to give you
the butterfly kisses with.

What a small nose you have.

The better to smell your
scrumptious aroma with.

Uh, what tiny teeth you have, Father.

Ah! The better to eat...
normal food with.

You're hungry, Father?

- Very hungry.
- So are we!

Hmm... Oh, I have the idea.

I know the grandmother,

that is in no way related to me,
that we can eat!

We love you, Father.

And so the red rider of hoods

and the tiny wolves ate
the tasty grandmother.

- And they lived happily ever the after.
- Whaaat?

And the moral is,
"If you consume the wolf,

you must then adopt his identity
and raise his family as your own."

- Oh, yeah, totally!
- That makes a lot of sense.

That is a great story.

I've failed as a bard.

- My stories didn't teach you anything.
- That's not true, Robin.

Hansel and Gretel taught
us to eat proper meals.

From the Rapunzel we learned
the value of independence.

And Little Red Riding Hood taught

us to be responsible for our actions.

But the most important
thing we learned...

Is that you wear man diapers!