Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Come on! Come on! Let's do this!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Go! Go! Go!

Rupert and I bought this
on our fifth anniversary.

Well, you have exquisite taste.

Do you want it?

But it's a Hockney.
It must be worth a million pounds.

Good point. You should've said yes.

- Auction pile, please.
- Right away, ma'am.

So, Mrs. Mannion...

Excuse me. Ms. Welton.

George is here.

If he's here, why isn't he here?

Yes. Good point.


- Higgy boy.
- Good one.

Hey. I love what you've done to the place.

Did you do it yourself
or get some poof to help you?

I could ask the same of your hair. Please.

She's a cheeky one, isn't she?

Right, love.
Listen, I've got training in a minute.

So whatever it is
you need to get off your impressive chest,

- let me have it.
- Of course.

You're fired.

Yeah, right.

And I'll be buying out
the remainder of your contract. So...

Wish you the best of luck.

Fired? What the fuck for?

I suppose I could go for
any number of reasons, really.

Your casual misogyny, for one.

- What?
- I know, it's a big word.

Ask one of your daughters what it means.

Or perhaps it's your performance,

having led this team through
yet another remarkably average season.

Or maybe it's because you insist
on wearing those tiny shorts

that force me to see
one of your testicles.

And there's the other one.

Liam and Noel.

Though, perhaps not an oasis.

Still, if I'm being
completely honest, George,

you're fired because I'm the owner now,
and I don't like you.

Now do piss off, you fat twat.

Hey, Higgy boy.

What do you think's worse?

Your husband cheating on you
or being the last to know?

Is there someone that could pop out
and fetch me a salad?

Nothing with raisins in it, please.

Fuck you.

So, what to do as far as new managers go?

Shall I prepare a list of candidates?

No. That won't be necessary.

This is a bit of surprising news
from the other side of the Atlantic.

AFC Richmond announced
the hiring of their new manager,

one Theodore "Ted" Lasso.

Recently, it was Coach Lasso leading
the Division II Wichita State Shockers

to their first ever national title
in American football.

He took the Shockers
from a garbage program

all the way to the promised land
in his very first season as head coach.

But for a lot of us, that's not how
Ted Lasso found his way into our hearts,

certainly not into our living rooms.

For me, it'll always be Ted...

celebrating a moment of joy with his team

in a way that you really have to see
to understand.

And then, even when you see it...

I don't necessarily know
that understanding is what we're doing.

Right on, Ted. Do your thing, man.

And good luck
with the most beautiful game.

Do us proud.

Go, 'Murica.

Oi, mate. This you?

- I believe it is, yeah.
- Oh, man! Legend.

Can I get an ussie?

That's dope.

You know, back where I'm from,
we call those selfies.

Well, it's not "myself," yeah?

It's "us," innit? "Ussie."

Yeah. I like that.


You coaching football.

Mate, you are a legend
for doing something so stupid.

I mean, it's mental.
They're gonna fucking murder you.

Well, you know,
I've heard that tune before.

But here I am, still dancing.

- Legend.
- Yeah. Nice meeting you.

What you reading? Another soccer book.

Coach, you are a sponge.

Come on. Hit me with a fun fact.

They don't say "out of bounds."
They say "into touch."

Okay, you owe me five bucks
if I sneak that into a sentence later.

- You're on.
- Okay.

Good evening.
We'll be dimming the cabin shortly.

We should get some sleep.
The jet lag will kill us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are we nuts for doing this?

Yeah, this is nuts.

Hey, but taking on a challenge
is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it?

If you're comfortable
while you're doing it,

probably doing it wrong.

- Okay, good night, Coach.
- Night, Coach.

Hey, hey, hey!

If we see each other in our dreams,
let's goof around a little bit,

- pretend like we don't know each other.
- You got it, stranger.


- You didn't sleep at all?
- Not a wink.

No. My brain just kept on cooking.

At first,
I was thinking about not sleeping.

Then I was thinking about
thinking about not sleeping. And that...

That's never good.

Next thing you know,

they're handing out
warm chocolate chip cookies

and the plane's landing.

I didn't get a cookie. Did you eat mine?

That's not part of the story.
I think this is us right here.

Hey, how ya doin'?

- My name's Ted. What's yours?
- Ollie.

- Ollie. All right.
- Let me get your bags.

No, no, no, Ollie.
We packed 'em, we'll carry 'em.

Love to make a little pit stop though.

Okay. Follow me.

Yeah. There you go.

Coach, I got a feeling
we're not in Kansas anymore, right?

I've never actually said that
when not in Kansas before.

- That's kinda nice.
- Yeah.

Well, thanks for indulging us, Ollie.

Ready to boogie whenever you are.

Okay. That's Tower Bridge.

Right. Not the London Bridge,
'cause this one's still up.

You know how they came up with soccer?

So, these Victorian-era headmasters,

all they wanted to do
was get the boys to stop masturbating.

So they invented a sport where the boys
wouldn't use their hands at all,

and they thought that might do the trick.

I'm not sure if it worked, but...

Feels different, Coach.

I mean, the same, but different.

- Metaphor.
- You know it, baby.


Oi! Excuse me!

Oi! Hello!

Off! Off!

Stop touching the grass!

Get off! Get off the pitch!
Stop touching the grass! Please!

- Yep, yep, yep. Yeah.
- Who are you?

I'm Ted Lasso. This is Coach Beard here.

- Oh, God. You're the new manager.
- Yes, sir.

- Take all the grass you want.
- Oh, no...

We just had it cut.
I can go through the garbage.

- I can get you some more.
- That's all right. No need.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.


- Still, we got to get off the grass.
- Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Do we apologize?

- Sorry about that, grass.
- Sorry, grass.

So, we're supposed to meet
with a Rebecca Welton.

Yeah, that's where I'm taking you.

Look at this guy. One step ahead.

Hey, what's your name, by the way?

- Me?
- Yeah.

No one ever asks my name.

I mean, whenever you're ready.

Oh, it's Nathan.

Nathan! I love that name.

Hey, love your hot dogs.

Yeah. No, I know.

Good, good.
Y'all got Nathan's hot dogs here?



I love this kid. Love him.

I'll introduce you. Big boss.

Here we go.


Hey, how y'all doing?
I'm Ted Lasso, your new coach.

- You must be Ms. Welton.
- Please, call me Rebecca.

Ms. Welton's my father.

If that's a joke, I love it.

If not, I cannot wait
to unpack that with you.

This here is Coach Beard.

It is so good
to finally meet you both face-to-face.


Sorry. This is Higgins,
our current director of communications.


Could you take Coach Beard and get him
their IDs, housing information...

You know, anything they need.

- Wi-Fi password, wet wipes.
- Humidifier. Way ahead of you, Coach.

Thank you.

- Please, take a seat.
- Okay.

- Can I get you something to drink?
- Yes, please.

Didn't get much sleep on the plane,
so anything you got,

a little boost of caffeine,
should do the trick.

You know, mochaccino, Frappuccino...

Any coffee thing, as long as
I can't taste a hint of coffee, is good.

How do you take your tea?

Well, usually I take it
right back to the counter

'cause someone's
made a horrible mistake. But...

when in Rome, right?

Yeah. Look at that. Okay.


You know, I always figured that tea
was just gonna taste like hot brown water.

And you know what?

I was right.
Yeah, it's horrible. No, thank you.

Welcome to England.

Yeah. "Get used to it, sucker." Right?

Now, would you like a tour?

- I'd love to see Abbey Road.
- Of the club.

Yeah, let's start there.

So, this hall represents
the club's long, albeit modest, history.

The first match was played in 1897.

During the war, our stadium
was used as a makeshift hospital.

Yeah, some of the locals claim

they still see fallen soldiers
wandering around the pitch.

That's spooky.

- Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?
- I do.

But more importantly, I think they need
to believe in themselves. You know?


And this is a wall of our previous owners.

Okay. And now look at this fella up here.

How 'bout the girls
and the champagne and everything?

He looks like a good time.

That's my ex-husband.

Well, good times aren't always
a good time, I've found.

You know, I heard about all that.

How you holding up?

Yeah, hasn't been the easiest year.


- So, we'll need you to speak to the press.
- Yeah.

No, after a couple nights' good sleep,
I'll be happy to do so.

I'm so sorry. I thought you knew.
They're ready for you now.

They're what?

So, without further ado,

the new manager of AFC Richmond,
Ted Lasso!


All right. How y'all doing?

There's Coach.

Oluwa Ted, yo.

Look, our coach.


If I don't hear silence,
I'm gonna start punching dicks.

One sec. Let me just...
Throat got a little dry.

Did not expect fizzy water there. Sorry.

Look at this twat!

Fucking Yank!

Okay. So, hey.

Why don't we just jump right in?
Anybody got any questions?

Oh, yeah, no. Should've saw that coming.

You know what?
You can put your hands down.

Real quick...


How about I go ahead and address

the larger-than-average elephant
in the room.

No, I have never coached the sport
that you folks call football at any level.



Heck, you could fill two Internets
with what I don't know about football.

But I'll tell you what I do know.

I know that AFC Richmond,
like any team I've ever coached,

is gonna go out there
and give you everything they got

- for all four quarters.
- Halves.

- What was that?
- Two halves.

Right. Sorry. Halves, yeah.

They're gonna give you everything they got
for two halves, win or lose.

Or tie.

Right. Y'all do ties here.

Sorry. That's going to take
some getting used to for me.

'Cause back where I'm from,
you try to end a game in a tie,

well, that might as well
be the first sign of the apocalypse.

Now, look here.
I respect what you folks in the media do.

And my door is always gonna be open.

All right? You can ask me anything.
No topic will be into touch.

All right, one final question.

How about the fellow right there
in the second row.


I like your glasses.

Thank you.

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

I just wanna make sure I have this right.

You're an American
who's never set foot in England,

whose athletic success
has only come at the amateur level...

A second-tier one at that...

And is now being charged
with the leadership

of a Premier League football club,

despite clearly possessing
very little knowledge of the game.

You got a question in there, Trent?


Is this a fucking joke?

- Thank you, Trent!
- I love journalists.

I mean, can you even name any footballers?

Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo
and the fellow that bends it like himself.

- Fucking Beckham! Made a film on it!
- You dickhead, mate.

Who the fuck are you?

Do you know how many games
are in a Premiership season?

Not off the top of my head, no.

Nobody can understand you.

Who won the league last year?

I actually don't know the answer to that.
I'm sorry.

What's a goalie?

The fella with the big Mickey Mouse hands
and the... by the net.

This is bleak.

You need to go back to America.

Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. No, no, I...

The bubbles!

Fucking hell!

Coach Lasso.

Good Lord.
You must forgive my fellow countrymen.

Somewhere over the last few years,

we seem to have abandoned
all sense of manners and hospitality.

My, my, aren't you a salty bunch?

But I can't remember the last time
the press room was this full.

Yet here you all are.

Maybe you're not such a mad notion
after all.

And despite the number of you here,

there is not a single person in this room

who has seen Richmond play
more than I have.

And in all those years under
the stewardship of the previous owner,

I've witnessed nothing
but profound mediocrity.

Am I wrong?

Well, it's a bit harsh.

Am I wrong?


Now, Coach Lasso may not have the CV
that you all find acceptable,

but he does have one thing
this club doesn't:

a trophy from this millennium.

So, like it or not, Richmond
are changing the way we do things.

And from now on,
that way is the "Lasso way."

We look forward to seeing you all
at our next match with Crystal Palace.

Thank you so much.

Nice meeting y'all.

And sorry for spittin'
on all your stuff up here.

Thank you.

I give him three weeks.

Oh, boy. I'm sorry about that.
I don't know what happened.

Ted, don't you think about them
for another second.

You have a job to do.

And proving them wrong,
just been added to the list.

I appreciate that... Thank you, Coach.


See, I'm fine when there's no bubbles.
You know, I can do that all day.

Okay. You know,
I'd love to say hi to the team, if I can.

Can't keep a gaffer from his pitch.

You can say that again. Okay.

I am 0 for 2 in that sentence.

Ms. Welton, I was a bit skeptical,

but after hearing you speak in there,
I'm excited by your choice.

Coach Lasso is just what we need.

He's an absolute wanker.

I know.


I hope he fails miserably.

See, my ex-husband truly loved
only one thing his entire life: this club.

And Ted Lasso is gonna help me
burn it to the ground.

'Cause I want to torture Rupert.

I want him to feel like he's being fucked
in the ass with a splintered cricket bat.

Just in and out, over and over,
in a constant loop.

Like a GIF.

That's what GIFs do, isn't it?
They're just...


That's correct.

Though some people pronounce it "JIF."

- Thank you, Higgins.
- Thank you.

Okay, let me use it in a sentence,
so it sticks.

The "gaffer"... me...

- is going out to the "pitch"...
- Yeah.

The grass here... to watch practice.

"Training." They call practice "training."

All this vernacular. Gonna be tough.

You know what? I'm gonna get it though.
'Cause training makes perfect.

There you go.

There's our man.

Jesus, Mary and fuckface Joseph!

Eyes on the man you're marking! Come on!

- Who is that?
- Roy Kent.

Team captain.
Classic old-school box-to-box midfielder.

- Definitely lost a step.
- But, you know, he's a legend.

Won a Champions League with Chelsea, so...

- Eight years ago.
- Yeah.

Oh, God, what?

That is a darn fine sports mix,
young fella.

Coach, you try this?

That does not come lightly
from that fella, I'll tell you that.

You continue to impress, Nathan.

You remembered my name.

Holy smokes! Did you see that?

That fella looked like a kitty cat
when it gets spooked by a cucumber.

- Who the heck is that?
- Jamie Tartt.

Top scorer on the team.

Fuck off.

- Nate, what's he like?
- Who, Jamie?

He's great.

You know, at football.

Yeah, I know fellas like that.

Sam Obisanya. He's a right back defender
outta the Nigerian league.

Nigeria? Like Africa?

So these fellas
are from all over the place?

I'm open, boyo.

I mean, he must be from England, yeah?

- Wales.
- Is that another country?

- Yes and no.
- How many countries are in this country?

- Four.
- Four.

It's kinda like America these days.


I do love a locker room.

Smells like potential.

And am I getting notes of Axe body spray?

Spot on, Coach.

But I think they call it
something else here.

Ding, ding, ding.


My favorite of the jungle cats.

Come here. Look at your face.
Look at your face.

Thanks, thanks, thanks.


Last time I saw eyes that cold,

they were going head-to-head
with Roy Scheider.

- Jaws?
- No, All That Jazz.

I'm gonna say something. Howdy, fellas.

Don't stop what you're doing.

My name's Ted Lasso.
This here is Coach Beard.

I know we don't officially start
quite yet,

but, you know,
we just wanted to pop in, say howdy,

let you know
how excited we are to be here...

Knock, knock.

Is everyone in here decent?

Boys, that's disappointing.

Oh, shit. Am I interrupting you?

No, no, that's okay. How can I help you?

No, I'm here to pick up that one.

Yeah. Sorry, Coach.

She made me an appointment.
I'm getting waxed.

It's more for the fans than it is for me.

Score a goal, gotta take my shirt off.


I mean, I can stay if you want.

No, that's okay.

All right, cheers.

- Yeah.
- There you go.

All right, kid, after you.

You're gonna be a gentleman now, are you?

No, babe. Just gonna watch your ass.

Fuck off.

Watch it and weep.

Anyhoo, thank you for your time.

Coach. You gotta stay up.

Come on, man. Don't be a sleep cop.

Roy! Hey, Roy!

Yeah? What do you want?

It was real fun
watching you out there today.

You know, the boys really respond to you.

It doesn't surprise me though.
You've had a heck of a career.

Thank you.

Never thought it would end
being coached by Ronald fucking McDonald.

You gonna let him call you that?

I don't think he was referring to me.

He thinks he's mad now,
wait till we win him over.

He'll be furious.

You got any tape?

What you doing in there?

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I shouldn't laugh.

It's okay.

No, I was just making some adjustments
to the locker room here.

Nice, yeah.

Though, I believe it's crooked.

Now here I am thinking it was the room
that was all outta whack.

But you know what? I think you're right.

What you doing back here? Where's Jamie?

He left his phone in his locker.

Why didn't he come get it?

He's still getting waxed.
He's surprisingly furry.

The hair was, like, growing back
while she was doing it.

- Come on, now.
- May I?

- Yeah, yeah. Help yourself.
- Thanks.

Lower it down on that side.


Keep going. Little bit.

Teeny bit more.

Stop! That's perfect.

All right. How 'bout that? Nice teamwork.

- Pow. Yeah.
- Old-school.

- I'm Keeley, by the way.
- Yeah. Hey, I'm Ted Lasso.

No, I know. You're trending hard
on Twitter right now.

How 'bout that.

- Do you even tweet?
- Nah.

But I do beatbox all right.

I never know how to react
when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.

Well, I hope
you never run into Biz Markie.

All right.

Well, if you get curious and you start
searching around on Twitter,

I would avoid #Richmond.

- Okay.
- Or wanker. Or dick.

Well, I'll take your word for it.

Welcome to England.

Thank you.
Hey, and thanks again for the lift.

That's all right.

Hey, this you, Nate?

That one? God, no.
No, couldn't handle that.

This is me. Green one here.

Right. So, get that in there.

Come on.

Already burning the midnight oil,
I see, Ted.

Well, as the man once said,

"The harder you work,
the luckier you get," huh?

On the diagonal.

My apologies, Ted.
We should have ordered you a car.

Oh, no. That's okay.

- Night, y'all.
- Got it.

What is wrong with you?

It's just that everything
I've eaten today...

feels like it's stuck right here.

I got it. I got it.

Here we go.

He seems like such a nice man.
I'm not sure I can do this.

Obviously, for this to work,

I'm going to need the full support
of my new director of football operations.

I'm assuming that's a promotion
and substantial pay rise

that would be of interest to you
and your family.

Hey, look, this car's got
an invisible steering wheel!

I'm just kidding.

It's my man Nate here running the horn.

You're a godsend, Ted Lasso.

Takes one to know one.


I accept.


Oh, and Higgins,

I know that there'll be elements
to this little adventure

that will weigh on you a bit.

But I'm sure it won't be harder
than it was

to sneak all Rupert's women in and out
behind my back all those years.

This is you, Coach.

Okay. All right. You good?

- I'm good. You good?
- Yeah.

- Night, Coach.
- Good night, Coach.

I almost forgot.

What's this for?

- "Into touch."
- Get some sleep, Coach.

Yeah, I will.

Hey, big guy. How you doing?
How was school today?


No, I forgot.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a little loopy today.

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

No, no, that's okay. No.
I just wanted to hear your voice.

Yeah. Yeah, go do your thing. Yeah.

Hey, is your mom there?

Okay. Thanks, big guy.

Hey, I miss you.

Yeah, I love you too.


Hey, how you doing?

Yeah. Well, you know,
so far so good. You know?

It's gonna take
some getting used to, yeah.

But I think once we get going,
it's gonna go all right.

Yeah. No, that's true, that's true. Yeah.

Well, you know what?
It's actually pretty nice. Yeah.

Yeah, and tell you what,
they got a cute neighborhood too.


Yeah, you and the little guy
gotta get on over here.

Come check it out.

What? No, what did I say?

But that's what I'm doing though.
I'm giving you that space.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and myself. Right.


No, no. That's okay. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Michelle.

I love you.

No, no, that's okay. You don't have to.

Really. Yeah.


All right, now. Good night.

Shoot. Now I can't sleep.