Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 8 - Louie's Revenge - full transcript

(theme song playing)

Oh, boy.

Nothing like seeing E.T.
for the 64th time

to pick up your day.

Oh, Jim, aren't you sick
of that movie yet?

Does this look
like I'm sick of it?

(grunts)

I bet you've seen that movie
more times

than anybody else in the city.

No.

Actually, there's this kid--



fat kid, wears glasses,
13 years old--

who's just seen it
for the 74th time.

I love that movie, too...

What was your
favorite part?

Uh... I guess
when he was watching

the mother read Peter Pan
to the kids, you know?

Oh, yes.

Touching.

Magical.

Hey, hey, that was good,

but what about when he made
the bicycles fly?

(Elaine and Jim gasp)

I loved that.
Brilliant, moving.

This is making me want
to go see it again.



What was
your favorite part, Alex?

I haven't seen it.

Why the hell not?

Because I-I just don't, uh...
I just haven't, uh...

I-I admit the lines were
pretty long at first,

but that doesn't cut it anymore.

I haven't seen it because
I don't happen to, uh...

Why?

Why? Why, why, why?

Because I don't like science
fiction movies, all right?

(incredulous gasp)

All right, then.

Here's five bucks.

What?

Mr. Smug.
What are you
talking about?

Go see E.T.

Oh, come on, Jim.

Do me and your soul a favor.

Jim, I don't want--

I don't want the money, please.

If you go see the movie
and you don't like it,

then I'll take
your money back.

And by the way, don't sit

next to a little fat kid
with glasses.

He flicks Milk Duds at people

who say the dialogue
along with the movie.

(Milk Dud clacks into can)

(phone rings)

Sunshine Cab.

Who do you want?

Who?

W-Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady, lady,
I can't understand you.

You're slurring your speech.

Uh, Lilewoowi?

Lilewoowi De Palma?

This is him.

Who's this?

What do you want?

Uh...

where are you?

Oh, yeah?

Well, no, I-I-I don't know,
I don't know.

I-I-I...

Yeah.

Okay.

Goodbye.

Now, who was that, Lilewoowi?

It was a voice
from the past, Iggy.

A woman.

A seductress who possessed class

and charm and sophistication

that made her seem
beyond my grasp.

You mean that prison guard?

You love bringing that up,
don't you, Reiger?

No, not the prison guard.

Emily.

Oh, Emily.

Emily.

Who's that?

She's a beautiful photographer

who I once took a crazy trip
to the stars with.

Excuse me, for those of you
interested in accuracy,

I'm going to do a simultaneous
translation on this one.

She had an unusual quality
that I love in a woman.

She managed
to stomach him.

She fell in love
with me like that.

She was tanked up
on pills and booze.

Somebody just dumped her.

But our love, even like
the most beautiful flower,

wilted and fell.

She sobered up.

Reiger, it was painful.

When she came to, she thought
I was gross and disgusting.

She said it out loud.

Nobody has ever said that
out loud before.

Didn't you say that today?
I say it every day.

ALEX:
Who hasn't?

Poor Emily.

What do, what do you mean,
poor Emily?

Well, it's so sad that she
mixed drugs and alcohol

and ended up spending
the night with you

when most people
only die.

Why do I try?

(laughs)

Hey, Lou, what'd
she call about?

Well, the same guy
dumped her again,

and now she's in a bar,
crocked off her nut,

and she wants to see me.

What are you going to do?
You going to go?

It's the only score in my life
I haven't settled.

For a year,
I've wanted to do this.

When she called me
gross and disgusting,

I had a drink in my hand.

I always regretted that I didn't
throw it in her face.

She's in a bar now.

I'm going to go down there
and sluice down that little tart

until there's eye makeup
running out of her shoes.

(piano playing)

(light applause)

(piano begins
playing another melody)

Hello there.

Hey.

Uh...

I-I'm supposed to meet,
uh, a young woman here.

Uh, dark hair,
uh, attractive?

Heavily sedated,
possibly suicidal?

Oh, you mean Emily.

Yeah, yeah.

She's here. Uh...

She's probably in
the ladies' room.

Ah.

You want a drink?

Yeah, yeah, uh, uh,
let me have something, uh,

tall, cold, and sticky--

something that would be
impossible

to wash
out of your hair.

What?

Man says there's a bug
in his mai tai.

Oh, I'll take it,
I'll take it.

No charge, right?
Right.

Psst.

Hello, Emily, you
little pill popper.

Louie?

Oh, Louie.

Oh, Louie,
Louie, Louie.

Oh, thank God
you came.

Oh, I wouldn't have
blamed you

if you'd just hung up
on me when I called.

I would have
deserved it.

Actually, anything
that you would have done to me

I would have deserved.

Hold that thought.

Oh, Louie.

Louie,
I'm so sorry, Louie.

I had no one else to turn to
and you came.

You are the most wonderful,
the most remarkable man that,

that I've ever known.

Oh...

(sobbing)

Oh...

Hey, Mac, you got a bar rag
back there or something?

Yes.

I'm sorry, Louie, I...

Here, here,
blow, blow, blow.

(grunting)

Louie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, Louie...
What, what?

Louie, couldn't we,

c-couldn't we go back
to your place, Louie?

Could...

No chance,
Sundance, uh-uh.

Well, why?

Because it's not you talking,
it's your pharmacist.

You think
that the pills

that I take govern
my actions?

Emily, your purse should
have a childproof cap.

(chuckles)

You know something,
Louie?

Do you know
you're delightful?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah...

Oh, great, I'll add
it to the list.

Gross, disgusting,
delightful.

Right.
Louie...

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah...

Louie, Louie, Louie.

Eh...
Oh.

Aw...

No, n-no, no,
Emily, look.

No, look, I feel great
that I'm turning you down.

I feel great that I'm
walking out on you.

Too bad, baby.

I'm too smart to fall
for your song and dance.

¶ It had to be you

¶ It had to be you

¶ I wandered around,
finally found ¶

¶ The somebody who

¶ Could make me be true

¶ Could make me
be blue ¶

¶ Could make me feel glad

¶ Just to be sad

¶ Thinking of you

¶ Nobody else

¶ Gave me a thrill...

¶ With all your faults

¶ I love you still

¶ It had to be me

¶ Wonderful you

¶ It had to be...

¶ Me.

(light jazz melody
playing on piano)

(melody swells)

(camera shutter clicks)

(screams)

What are you doing here?

Come on, come on,
what happened to, uh,

"It had to be you,
I gave you a thrill,

and nobody's
as good as me"?

No, Emily, you
can't, you can't.

You can't do this.

You can't throw me out.

I really need
to be alone right now.

No, no, Emily, Emily,
don't do this to yourself.

You are crazy if you let me
slip through your fingers.

You've had the handsome guys.

You've had, uh,
the rich guys.

You've had the
smooth guys.

You've had the,
uh, sharp guys;

the, uh, smart guys;

the tough guys,

the young guys.

Well, I'm none of those.

But I can make you happy.

Because...
you know why?

Because it
takes work.

Every morning, I'll
wake up and I'll say,

"How do I make
Emily happy?"

And every night, I'll
go to bed saying,

"How do I make
Emily happy?"

I'll-I'll go to
work saying,

"How do I make
Emily happy?"

I'll eat
lunch saying,

(muffled):
"How do I make
Emily happy?"

Aw...

Look who's on
first base.

Hi, Elaine.
Hi, Tony.

Hey, Jim,
I just saw E.T.

It was fantastic.
Fantastic!

I laughed, I cried.

I-I felt like a kid again.

You mean that?

You didn't just say that
to keep the five bucks?

What does this tell you?

(chuckles)

Alex!

How did you see it
on your shift?

Oh, I was having
a terrible night.

I've been stiffed
by every fare.

Then I took this guy
to a theater--

movie house, right?

Dropped him in front
of the movie house.

The movie's about to start.
I said,

"Eh, what the hell? I'll go in."

Hey, if Louie finds out, Alex,
he's going to can you.

(as E.T.):
Ouch.

He knows lines!

(as E.T.):
E.T. phone home.

Home phone.

Phone home, E.T.

(as E.T.):
Elliott.

Elliott.
Elliott.

Elliott.
Elliott.

Elliott.
Elliott.

Can we finish this conversation
over at Mario's?

Hey, good idea.
Oh, yeah, great.

Kiddies.

(all conversing,
laughing)

Oh, oh, wait, wait.

Wait, I...
I need some advice, Reiger.

Oh, yeah,
sure, Louie.

(as E.T.):
Be good.

(laughing)
No, no, no.

This is serious.

This is serious.
JEFF:
Hey, Louie.

Hey, Louie, it's Emily.

Oh, ooh!
Oh, hold these, Reiger.

What are you doing?
Hold those.

We'll get a table.

I-I-I'll see you.

Oh! Hi, Emily.

Hi... yeah, I did that.

Yeah, I did that, too.
Yeah.

Look, honey,
I can't get the blueberries.

I looked... I looked all over
for the blueberries.

I-I-I went every... I went
20 different places, but...

No, no.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll try.
I'll-I'll go...

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about
the... blueberries.

(hangs up phone)

Help him, Alex.

I can't stand to
see him like this.

Yeah, but blueberries.

I looked for
blueberries all over.

I can't find blueberries.

It's snowing out there.

ALEX:
Louie, Louie!

I need my
blueberries!

Louie!

Louie, Louie,
get out of there.

I can't find the
blueberries.

Stop that. Stop it!

Stop it, Louie!

I looked for
blueberries.

Louie, listen. Hey!

Now, listen, before we deal
with your problem,

I want you to answer me
one question.

What the hell you walking around

dressed like that for
in the snow?

She didn't like my overcoat.

Well, on behalf
of New York City,

let me say that I'm glad
she liked your pants.

(laughing)

What a guy you are.

Trying to cheer
me up, Reiger.

Thanks.

I'm going to talk to
her about it tonight.

I'll tell her
the pants joke.

(laughs)

Maybe she'll
talk to me.

She doesn't talk to you?

She doesn't talk to me.

She doesn't go out
with me... anywhere.

She'd never go
to Mario's with me.

All she does is...

is tell me
to do things.

What do you call a man

who spends two hours

walking through the snow

looking for blueberries?

A romantic fool.

No.

A weenie.

I'm turning
into the same kind of guy

who always made me
want to puke.

One of those weenies
who would do anything

that a broad asked him
and then say, "Yes, dear."

One of those guys.

Reiger, don't let me
become one of those.

Don't let me
become a weenie.
Louie, Louie, Louie.

I'm becoming a weenie!
Louie!

I don't want
to be a weenie.

How did you get
into this mess?

How?

How?

Look at her, Reiger.

She's beautiful.

She's beautiful!

EMILY:
Louie?

Oh...

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Oh...
Hi.

Oh...

Louie, I just came

from my psychiatrist,

and she says that you and I
are about to have

the most incredible breakthrough
in our relationship.

Oh!
Everything is going
to be different.

I want to talk to you.
Come sit with me.

Can I just wash the pits
off my fingers?

No, this is
too important.

Come on, sit down.

All right.

Let me get this
straight now, Louie.
Oh. What?

You know that I have
always allowed men

to make me the victim.

But you have cared for me
so much that you have forced me

to make you the victim,

and even though I
love you for it,

it has to stop.
You...

I mean, it has to...
you said you love me!

You said you love me.
You said you love me.

Emily, you not only said
you love me,

but you're talking
to me, Emily!

Of course, I do love you.

Oh, that-that means
we can go out.

We can go out...
we can be seen in public.

We can go to Mario's.

We can go to the park.

We can go places,
Emily.
No! No, no, no, no.

Don't you see?

We're-we're trapped
in these...

What? What? What? What?
I don't know...

...in these roles.
Roles?
What? What?

And, you see, we have
a close relationship,

but it...
but it's sick.

Oh, and I think I know
how all of this started,

and maybe it could
have been avoid...

Do you know what you
should have done?

What?
When I got you
in that bar

and you... and I started
to manipulate you

all over again...
Yeah, what, what,
what, what, what?

Well, uh, something...
I mean, anything...
What, what, what?

This.

Why didn't I
think of that?

I'm only saying that you
should have done something

to knock some sense
into me.

And that way,
I would have known

that you cared,

but in a healthy way.

I do care.

It's too late for that.

Louie, there is only one way

that I'm going
to love you forever.

How? How?

Do-do-do...

I don't think you could do it.

Do-do I have to
squeeze more oranges?

No, you have to stop
being a victim.

You have to walk
out that door

and never see me again.

W-well, could-couldn't I...

I stay here and
not be a victim?

No, it-it...

I-I can't resist
controlling you.

It's too easy.

How long am I supposed
to stand here

with all this stuff
all over me?

Oh, I-I'll get
you a towel.

I'll get you a towel!

Here.
You see?

(groans)

There's no other way,
is there?

No.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait.

Wait, let me...
let me get this straight here.

You...

will love me...

if I never see you again.

Right.

But if I stay,
you won't like me?

I'll despise you.

And if I walk
out that door...

I'm yours forever.

You're a very complicated girl,
Emily.

You want me, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I want you.

You will never
have me totally

until you walk
out that door.

Interesting, interesting.

Okay. I-I...

Go a... go ahead.

Oh, Louie.

I am loving you more

with every step you take
toward that door.

(sighs)

Oh, Louie.

Do we write letters?

I write to you,
and you never answer me.

Well...
(chuckles)

I guess it's all right.

I guess... I guess I just...

had my first
sophisticated relationship.

(chuckles)

You know something, Emily?

Someday...

your Mr. Right
is going to come along.

And when he does, he's going
to be wearing a white coat

and carrying a butterfly net.

(laughs)

Oh, and-and another thing.

I knew where to get blueberries,

but it was too far and I
figured, "The hell with it!"

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)