Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 6 - Crime and Punishment - full transcript

Realizing the boss has found out that someone has embezzled money from the cab company, Louie convinces Jeff to take the blame for him in hopes that the controversy will blow over. However, the plan goes awry when Jeff is fired and put in jail.

(theme song playing)

(phone ringing)

Sunshine Cab...

(clears throat)

Oh, hello.
Hello, Mr. Ratledge.

Yeah. Oh.

Oh, yes.

Major problem.
Yes, sir.

I'll be right up.
I'll be right up, sir.

Hey, Louie, Louie, Louie!

What?
Aren't you
forgetting something?



I've never seen you go up
and visit the boss

without bringing
some token of your esteem.

You're right-- gift, gift.

Jeff, uh,
give me the golf balls.

You already gave him
the golf balls, Lou.

Well, what else we got
in Lost and Found?

Uh, let me see.

You got the cigars,
that cheap wine,

a stuffed owl and a Waterpik.

He's very upset.

Give me the Waterpik.

Where's he goin'?

He's going
to see the boss.

Louie is the boss.



ELAINE: He may be
the boss down here,

but he still has to answer
to the guy upstairs.

That's who
he's going to see.

He's going to give
God a Waterpik?

I'll explain it
to him later.

Please, please.

I don't care.
I want the guy brought up

right now, right here,
you understand?!
Mr. Ratledge,

I think that it would be better
if I did this myself.

You want to do it yourself?
Yeah, I'll do it.

Then do it right now!
Yes, I will, sir.
I will, sir.

Yes, I will.

(door slams)

Uh, Jeff?

Yeah.
Can I talk to you?

What is it, Louie?

Uh, not here. Come on.

Come back here.

Come on in.

So, uh...

What's Ratledge
so hot about, Louie?

Uh... why don't
you have a seat

and make yourself
comfortable, Jeff?

All right.

You know ho--

How about you sit here?

You know how, uh,
I have you haul

those used parts to the junkyard

and sell them
for Mr. Ratledge?

Yeah.

Well...

you didn't quite do it
for Ratledge

as much as you did it for me.

You mean you kept
all that money?

Yeah.

Oh... now I know what
Ratledge is so hot about.

Yeah.

Hey, you must be in pretty
deep trouble, Louie.

Now, here's
the interesting part.

Ratledge doesn't
know it was me.

He doesn't?

No.
(laughs)

He doesn't?

No.
(laughing)

Boy, you got lucky!

But you didn't.

I gotta fire you, Jeff.

Me?!
Uh-huh.

Hey, wait a minute, Louie--

I was just delivering
that stuff.

I didn't even know
what was going on.

All I did was what
you told me to do.

Yeah... that's what makes
letting you go so painful.

I'm going to go
tell Ratledge the truth.

No, no, no, no, Jeff!

Jeff, what good
would that do?

I mean, he's never
going to believe

that you weren't involved.

You brought the goods there.

You collected the money.

All he'll do
is fire me, too.

Now, listen, I got a plan.

Listen,
let me tell Ratledge

that I fired you.

This way,
I can stay here

and, and when he cools down,

I'll get you
your job back for you.

You know Ratledge--

I mean, one minute
he's a maniac,

the next minute,
he's a pussycat.

Come on, trust me, Jeff.

No!

Hey, you got a better plan?

No.

Then it's a deal?

Yeah.
All right.

But let me tell you
something, Louie--

I think this stinks.

I think you stink.

I think the deal stinks.

The whole thing stinks!

Jeff, I'm worried
you're going into this

with a bad attitude.

So what do I do until
I get my job back, Louie?

Let me give you a couple
of hundred bucks, Jeff.

I don't want your
dirty money.

Great! I wouldn't
respect you if you took it.

Now, look,

I'll get you another job
with a different cab company--

just temporarily, you know.

I mean, uh, look, all I got
to do is pick up a telephone.

I mean, uh, this can be
our little secret, okay?

I don't want
to embarrass you.

All right?
Go ahead.

And another thing!

What you did was not only

unspeakable,
but unforgivable.

I mean, look,

you violated the trust
of this good man.

Forget about
violating the law.

You bit the hand
that fed you.

Now, if it was up to me,

you would be going
straight to jail.

You're getting off easy!

Now, get out of here
before I lose my temper!

Go on! Go on,
get out of here.

Get!

De Palma...
Yes, sir.

De Palma, I thought
you handled that very well.

Thank you, sir.

I... it wasn't easy,
but I was outraged.

I was outraged.

You know, it's a
funny thing, sir.

In a few days...

we'll all be
missing old Jeff.

Not me.

Me, either.

Oh, no.

I want you to check this
inventory against the stock

and any discrepancies
brought to my attention
immediately.

Yes, yes, Mr. Ratledge.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Hi.

You own this place, don't you?

Yes.

Well...

I'd like to take
this opportunity

to thank you
for providing me with a job.

It changed my life.

Why, if you had seen
me three years ago,

you would have said...

Who is this bum?

Exactly!

TONY: All right, Louie,
what's going on?

Look, I'd rather
not talk about it.

Besides, it's none
of your business.

Yeah, but why did
you fire Jeff?
TONY: Yeah!

What's the idea,
Louie, huh?

All right, all right,

I guess you're gonna find out
sooner or later.

It's better
that it comes from me.

Look, I, I can't
believe this myself.

It seems that,
that Ratledge...

found out that Jeff was

making a little extra money
at the cab company's expense.

He was stealing?

I know;
it's-it's hard to believe.

I'm still stunned.

Jeff isn't a thief.

I feel violated.

Jeff is not a thief.

Yeah, I'd like
to believe that, too, Reiger,

but, uh, you know,
Jeff was special.

He was like a son to me;

a beautiful, black son.

Jeff is not a thief, Louie.

Not in his heart, Reiger.

It's society.

It's his environment.

Jeff is a victim.

Jeff is not a thief, Louie.

I heard you the first time.

What's the point, Reiger?

Well... (clears throat)

correct me if I'm wrong.

But I think what
he is trying to say

is that Jeff is not a thief.

Am I right?

(speaking
indistinctly)

Look, look, I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

Look, this is worse
for me than any of you.

Now I'm going to do my best
to straighten this out.

In the meantime,
I've got to find a replacement.

And let me tell you something:

It's going to be like hell

trying to replace
a guy like Jeff.

You-- you speak English?

Yeah.

You've just been promoted.

Get in the cage.

Come on. In there.
ALEX: Hey!

Louie, how could
you do that?

How could you, you just
give someone else his job

Yeah, Louie?
and let him be thrown
out on the streets?

Hey, listen, Louie,
you could explain, Louie...

Will you maniacs just relax?!

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Now, when the time is right,

I will get Jeff his job back.

Everybody will be happy
and there will be no harm done.

De Palma... I've been thinking
about what you said before,

and I think you're right.

I was too lenient.

I just called the cops.

I'm having Jeff arrested.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Louie, what are
you doing here?!

I told them
I was your attorney.

Now, just take it easy, Jeff,

and, and I'll take care
of everything.

Hey, don't take
care of anything.

You've already done enough.

I'm not going
to prison for you!

The deal is off.

I want you out of here.
Guard!

Now, now, now, now, Jeff,
now, Jeff, don't panic.

I mean, now, look,

nobody anticipated
anybody going to jail,

but if we just stay calm,
we can salvage

an otherwise perfect plan.

The deal is off, Louie.

Hey, hey, I'm holding up
my end of the bargain.

I'm-I'm working on
softening Ratledge

and-and looking
for a temporary job for you.

Oh, "looking
for a temporary job"?

You told me you could get me
a job with a phone call.

Well, that one fell through.

They heard you were a thief.

Guard!

Jeff! Now, come on, Jeff.

Come on, now.

Give me a chance.

You know, I've been
good to you.

Well, what have you ever
ever done for me that
should go to prison?

Will you get prison
out of your mind, Jeff?

Now, nobody is
going to go to prison!

But in the unlikely event
that somebody should go...

Look, prison is not
such a bad place.

I mean, they give you a bed.

They give you food.

They give you a toilet.

That's pretty much life
as we know it, Jeff.

Guard!

Come on, come on.

Now I'm begging ya, Jeff.

I mean, think about it.

You'd have a much easier time
in the joint than I would.

What do you mean by that?

You know what goes on
in those places.

A tasty morsel like me
wouldn't last five minutes.

Uh, Mr. Reiger posted
your bail, Bennett.

You're free to go.

All right.

No, no, no, Jeff,
Jeff, whatever you do,

don't tell Reiger about this.

Come on, let me have a chance
to straighten it all out.

Jeff, we're family.

Now you got every right
to be angry at me,

but I know you won't tell him,

not if you have one ounce

of loyalty, affection,
or gratitude left for me.

He did it, Alex.

I didn't want
to lose my job,

but I didn't want to squeal
on him, so I took the rap.

Now he expects me
to go to prison.

What're you looking
at me like that for?

I don't care
what you say, Louie.

I made up my mind.

Jeff, Jeff, you are not going
to walk up those stairs

and destroy another
human being's life, are you?

Yeah.
No, no.

Jeff.

Louie, if... if he doesn't,
I will.

All right, look, look,
let me do it myself.

If Ratledge hears the truth from
me, maybe he'll go easier on me.

All right.

Gift-- I gotta
get him a gift.

You have 15 minutes to get
those charges dropped, Louie.

15 minutes.

I'll be waiting right here.

Okay, 15 minutes.

Jeff, what if I made
a nice donation

to the United Negro
College Fund?

All right, 15 minutes.

(knocking)

Yes?

What is it, De Palma?

Uh, nothing much, sir.

It's just that, uh, I was
kicking myself the other day

because I never gave you
anything

for the lovely Mrs. Ratledge.

Uh, so, uh, would you please
give her this

with my compliments.

What is it?

It's a Norelco
Ladybug shaver.

Thanks, De Palma.

Now, what did you really
want to see me about?

I came to talk
to you about Jeff.

Jeff the Thief?

Thief is a very harsh word,
Mr. Ratledge.
Mm-hmm.

Jeff the Misguided.

Uh, Jeff the Misunderstood.

Jeff the
Deserving-of-Another-Chance.

De Palma, when a man
commits a crime,

he should be prepared
to pay the consequences.

Now don't you agree?

Well, I don't...

Louie, I know how to deal with a
man who steals from the company.

Now I don't care
to discuss this any further.

If you'll excuse me...

Yes, sir.

(gasping):
I'm the thief.

What are you talking about?

I arranged everything...

and took all the money.

Jeff was just following
the orders of his boss.

He's the most honest man
I ever met, Mr. Ratledge.

If anybody deserves
to go to jail, it's me.

De Palma...

If this is true, De Palma,
why didn't Jeff speak up?

Because he likes me.

(laughing)

You expect me to believe this?

Believe what?

This whole story, De Palma.

Come on, knock it off.

I know what you're
trying to do.

You're trying to take the
rap for another man, huh?

Well, it won't work.

You think I'd go easier
on you than on him

because of your long history
of service for the company?

Is that what you...?

Well, you're
right, I would.

It's a noble
gesture, De Palma,

but I won't let you take the
blame for another man's crime.

You're saying
you don't believe me?

Of course not.

You mean, not even if I
brought another cabbie up here?

No! No, no.
Alex Reiger?

If he told you that
I was the thief?

No, stop.
You wouldn't
believe him either?

No, of course not. Go on!

I don't know what it is
with this guy Jeff

that, that is so special that
you would go to bat for him.

But I'll tell ya
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna drop all the charges
against him.

I'm gonna let you
have his job back, okay?

I just hope this Jeff Bennett
appreciates

what you're doing for him.

It was nothing.

After all--

I'm the thief.

Enough already.
Get out of here.

(high-pitched guffawing)

You know, I, I think I will
bring Alex Reiger up here.

No! No!
Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna
bring him up.

No! No!
I'm gonna
bring him up.

Stop it. Stop it.
Knock it off.

De Palma, cut it out!
Reiger, come up here.

If you liked my confession,
you're gonna love this.

Reiger, Reiger, Reiger,
tell Mr. Ratledge

who the real thief is.

Hello, Mr. Ratledge.

Go on, go on.

I, I don't know what's
been going on in here.

All I can do is tell
you what I know.

Louie has been taking
the stuff and selling it

and keeping the
money for himself.

And Jeff took the rap
for it because...

Because he likes him.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, Alex.

I think you'll be happy to know

that I've dropped all the
charges against Bennett.

And I'm gonna let him
have his job back.

Now you get out
of here, you scamp.

And you take your
sidekick with you.

RATLEDGE:
Get out of here.

Well, ta-ta.

(laughing)

Louie, Louie,

do you ever play golf, Louie?

Why yes, I do, sir,
but I cheat on my score.

We'll have
to play sometime.

Oh, that would be
swell, Mr. Ratledge.

Ben.

Ben.

Reiger, Reiger, you want
to have a drink with me?

No.

I just came back
to get my jacket.

Well, Reiger, you
gotta help me;
you gotta help me.

What do you want?

I've been trying
to sort this thing out.

I mean...

I stole...

I lied...

I betrayed a friend...

and now I got extra
money in the bank

and a 9:00 tee-off
time on Saturday.

Good night, Louie.

No, Reiger, no,
you got to help me.

No, explain to me what
it's like to be honest.

I mean, because...

if I had a chance
to do that all over again,

I'd like to know one
reason why I shouldn't.

I can't explain the feeling
I get from being honest.

I mean, it's like trying to
explain, uh, April in Paris.

You can't understand it
unless you've been there.

Oh!

I understand
April in Paris.

It's like having Havana cigars,

a great drink of booze

and being off scot-free.

That's April in Paris, Reiger.

Let's face it,
Reiger, crime pays.

You know, people
go around thinking

that if they do something bad,

then something bad
has got to happen to them.

Well, I'm living proof that
that is not true.

No answer?

No answer from the honest man?

Peh.

Where're you going?

Up here.

What do you got?

Some little hiding place up
there, Louie?

Yeah, I got a place
for my stuff.

Okay, Louie, you see?

That's the price
you have to pay.

Because you're a thief,

you have to go
through life believing

that everybody else is a thief.

That's why you have
to hide your stash

in some crummy
little air duct.

Boy, you lead a real crummy
little life, you know that?

You're a frightened man, Louie.

You're grasping
at straws, Reiger.

You know what it's like
in this garage.

There's a thief
every four inches.

Hey, what about me, Louie?
What about me, huh?

Aren't you afraid I'm going
to steal your stuff?

I know where you're hiding it.

You?!

The honest man?!

Nah!

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You do what you do
and I do what I do.

Well, good night.

Good night, Reiger.

Reiger!

Reiger!

Reiger!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)