Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 4 - Scenskees from a Marriage: Part 1 - full transcript
Latka has an affair with another cab driver putting his marriage in jeopardy.
(theme song playing)
(static crackles)
CINDY (over radio):
Louie, Louie, Louie,
where are you, Louie?
Why don't you help me, Louie?
Why don't you answer me, Louie?
Where are you, Louie?
Yeah, Bates, this is Louie.
How's it goin', kiddo?
I had an accident.
I hit some ice
and I spun off the road.
I can't get the cab started.
The window's broken,
and I'm freezing.
I'm on an unmarked country road.
I got off at the Rocks Hill exit
of the Garden State Parkway.
I don't know where I am.
Louie...
All right, okay, Bates,
Bates, calm down here.
Now, how do you
expect me to help you
if you're hysterical?
I'm sorry.
You're right, Louie.
Okay, okay, Louie.
I'm calm.
All right, that's better.
Now, let's think.
She's doomed.
Louie, I know where
this woman is.
Is right near
the farm where Simka and I
buy our goat knuckles.
So?
So, I want to go
and bring her back.
No, no, no, Latka,
I can't let you go.
It's too dangerous.
Let him go, Louie.
Let him go.
Louie, please, I'm so...
(static crackles)
Bates! Bates!
Ah, her radio just quit.
Latka, you can't go out there.
It's too dangerous.
No, no, listen,
where I come from,
we live every day with danger.
We laugh at danger.
Ha, ha, ha.
You call... you call this
danger-- a little snow?
Ha, come on.
Where are the wolves?
Where are the wild boars?
Where are
the avalanches?
Where are my mittens?
(wind howling)
(Latka moaning)
(moaning continues)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Are you Cindy Bates?
Yes!
Of the Sunshine Cab Company?
Yes! Yes!
Never hurts to check, you know.
(chuckles)
All right.
Oh, oh, oh...
What are you doing?
I'm freezing.
Let's just go get in your tow
truck and get out of here.
(moaning)
Oh, that would be
terrific if we could,
but, you see, it's buried
in a snowbank three miles back.
(resumes moaning)
Well, maybe you could do
something with this cab?
I-I'll take a look.
(engine sputters)
(grunts)
Oh, I think I know
what the problem is.
What?
Winter.
(grunts)
Oh, come on, turn that
frown upside down.
I'm freezing.
You want my coat?
All right. Here.
(moaning)
Oh, I hope it is
the right size for you.
Oh, oh, here.
Oh, here you go.
(continues moaning)
Oh!
(spitting)
(continues moaning)
Y-You want my scarf?
Here.
(resumes moaning)
What?
All right.
Here you go.
Oh!
(moaning)
Oh!
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It's no good.
Why?
We're still going
to freeze to death
with the wind coming
through that broken window.
No problem.
(moaning)
(continues moaning)
(continues moaning)
That should do it.
I feel terrible that
you're going to freeze
to death to save me.
I am?
We could share your coat.
Okay, thank you.
That's very nice of you.
Oh, yeah.
(moaning)
Latka?
What?
Am I paranoid, or are we
going to freeze to death?
What does "paranoid" mean?
Is it just
my imagination?
Is it just a
strange thought?
Oh, no, no, no,
you're not paranoid.
Don't worry, we're
going to freeze to death.
We are?
Yes, we are.
It is unavoidable.
But, but you know what
is the terrible thing?
I am going to be brave
in the face of death
and my wife
won't ever know.
She'll think I died
the sniveling coward
that I lived.
Don't, don't give
up yet, Latka.
We have to do
something, and fast.
I'm beginning
to get numb.
Oh, but... but
what can we do?
(wind howling, Latka moaning)
(mutters)
We can have sex.
I'm sorry.
I cannot hear too well.
I stood too close to the cannon
at my father's funeral.
No, no, no.
You... no, you were
hearing right.
The heat from our bodies
will help us to survive.
Yeah, but I can't.
I'm a married man.
This is too perfect.
I actually get to
die from rejection.
Oh, no, no, no,
is not personal.
Is nothing personal.
I am a married man.
It's a very simple
choice, Latka.
Either you have sex with me
or you freeze to death.
Sex, death...
Sex, death, hmm...
Why don't you tell me
a little bit about yourself?
Now, that's wonderful.
Yes. Thank you for calling.
The state police found them,
and they're all right.
(applause and cheering)
Thank you.
I feel complete.
I feel wanted.
I've joined the family.
What are you
talking about, Jim?
"Dear Jim Ignatowski,
we are pleased to welcome you
"as a member of our family of
satisfied MasterCard holders.
(Elaine chuckles)
Your card will
arrive shortly."
Family.
Yeah.
A family.
I've joined the family.
Me. Jim Ignatowski.
ALEX:
Nah...
No, no, Jim,
you see, in this case
"family" is being used
in a sort of, uh...
Well, it's a figure of speech.
I mean, uh, it's a kind of a
cute advertising way of...
Don't badmouth my family, Alex.
(mouthing)
Hey! Our hero!
(excited greetings)
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Please, Elaine, I
have no more to give.
Can I please talk to you alone?
I have a troubled soul.
What is it?
What is it? What is it?
Hey, this is private!
What is it, Latka? What's,
what's, what's, what's wrong?
I, I have been...
You're considered
a hero here.
Don't you know that?
I am not a hero.
I am a stinkbug.
I have been unfaithful to Simka.
What? Come here.
What-what are
you talking about?
It-it, it happened
when Cindy and I
were waiting to be rescued.
Yeah.
This will destroy Simka.
I-I don't know what should I do?
Well, uh...
You're not going
to tell her, are you?
I have to.
She knows me so well,
she will know.
Believe me.
No, no, no, no, Latka,
you can't hurt her just so
you should feel
a little less guilty.
I mean, the bigger thing here is
to... is to spare Simka.
I mean, it was a one
and one time only thing, right?
I mean, it's not going
to happen again, is it?
Eh...
Is it?
No, no.
Good, good.
Yeah, that's right.
Th-The only decent thing
to do is to deceive her.
Whew! What a relief.
Wait a minute.
How am I going to explain
the scratches on my back?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
that's right.
They were on her back.
I am lucky that you
are coming over to my house
for dinner tonight.
Huh? Oh, wow.
I almost forgot about that.
Uh, hey, but under
the circumstances...
Under the circumstances
if I'm going to deceive her,
everything has to look normal.
She's expecting you,
you come.
Come on.
(door unlocking)
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Latka!
I'm so happy. I...
You did it with
another woman!
Simka, darling...
Don't "darling" me.
Who is she?
Who was the lowlife
that would let you
have your way with her?
Well, listen,
I'll just run along now.
I've got to...
So soon?
You just got here.
Yes, you see,
in our country
we have manners.
The most important
thing is the guest.
Forget that our lives
are falling apart.
The damn guest must come first.
Here, damn guest.
Now, you have no problems.
Eat hearty!
And you!
I want names!
Who is she?!
I don't know what
you're talking about.
SIMKA:
Oh...
Really?
Yes.
Latka...
What?
Look me in the eye.
If you can look me in
the eye and tell me
that you did not have
fleshy union with another woman,
I will believe you.
I did not have fleshy
union with another woman.
Ha!
Okay, I did. I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Oh, my God!
Simka, it was nothing,
really, it was...
But you don't understand
the reason why I did...
Simka, but...
Oh, my God!
But listen, you
must understand.
I'll just grab a burger
on my way home.
You don't have
to worry about me.
Please, you are making
the guest uncomfortable.
No, no, no,
hey, hey, hey...
Oh, oh, excuse me.
The damn guest is uncomfortable?
Oh, are you uncomfortable?
No, not really.
Then sit down!
Now, you see?
The damn guest is happy.
Okay, Latka...
maybe there is something that I
don't understand.
Why did you do it?
This better be
darn good.
I did it for you.
Go on.
Or are those the last
words you will ever say?
I... I thought I was never
going to see you again.
It was below freezing,
and it was the only way
we could keep warm.
We might have died.
That's true. That's true.
In-In the garage
he's considered a hero.
Oh.
But really,
i-it's the only reason.
It was just to
save our lives.
Simka, it-it was you
I was kissing.
It was you I was caressing.
It was you I was...
Eh...
Take my word for it, it was you.
Okay.
(sighs)
What I am going to do now
is I am going to pack a bag
so that you can go and spend
the rest of your life
someplace else.
Oh, no. Uh...
But Simk... No.
Packing a bag for Latka!
Simka, no...
Simka, please.
Is not necessary.
Hey, hey,
come on, Simka.
(yelling in native language)
Come on, Simka,
think it over, Simka.
(muttering in native language)
You guys can
talk about it...
Let's talk about it.
Come on, it can't
be that serious.
(dishes breaking)
Well, listen, I've
overstayed my welcome here.
(screams)
I'll be seeing you guys.
Good night.
Please. Let me go.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Listen, if you leave, she might
stop hiding her anger.
(shrieks)
No, no, Latka, let him go.
It was just
lovely having you.
Next time, bring some
of your damn friends.
Okay, good night,
you guys. I, uh...
Listen, uh, you know,
I-I feel kind of funny
because, well, I can see
you're having some
minor difficulties
that might affect your future,
but, uh, I just want you to know
that I-I think
you're both great.
And Simka, I know
you love Latka.
If you just talk
to him calmly,
there'll be
nothing to wor...
Simka, do you really
want me to go?
I don't know what I want.
Latka, we must go to the priest.
You must confess your sin
and whatever he
advises, we must obey.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
Yeah, well, let's
not talk anymore.
(knocking at door)
(speaking native language)
Ah, Latka, Simka.
(speaking
native language)
(speaking native language)
(speaking native language)
(speaking native language)
(knock at door)
(speaks native language)
(speaks native language)
Hello, Latka, Simka.
Please forgive
the intrusion.
This will only
take a moment.
(whispers indistinctly)
I happened to run into some
ladies who missed the bus,
and, uh, they
expressed a desire
to visit the church and
see Reverend Gorky.
Ibida.
Good.
Come in, ladies.
Make yourselves at home.
Excellent.
(speaking native language)
He wants to know if you would
like to see an unburdening.
It's our religion's
equivalent of a confession.
Sure.
Mascha? Eh...
I, I don't know if
this is such a hot idea.
What I have to confess is of a
deepest, most personal nature.
(whispers)
(speaking native language)
"Providence has
brought them.
"There is no accidents.
You shall stay."
All right.
(speaking native language)
(laughing)
He says he hopes Reverend Gorky
won't be shocked by
anything he has to say.
(speaking native language)
Reverend Gorky says
Latka cannot shock him.
(speaking native language)
He has already heard a man who
raised his voice to his mother.
(Gorky speaking
native language)
Another who gave false coin to
gain admission to the subway.
(speaking native language)
So how bad can it be?
(speaking native language)
He said, "I am troubled
and seek your wisdom."
(speaking native language)
"I had meaningless sex with
a woman from the garage."
(speaking native language)
"I have been unfaithful
to my wife and a disgrace
to my family."
(wailing in native language)
"I only want for things
to be the way they were
"between Simka and me and,
for Simka to forgive me
and to save
our marriage."
Ibida, Gorky!
Ibida! Ibida! Ibida!
"Please help us,
Reverend Gorky.
Please, please, please."
And now I believe
the Reverend Gorky
will impart his sage
and profound wisdom
and counsel the sinner.
(deep voice):
Latka.
(imitating Gorky):
"Latka."
(speaking native language)
This is most fascinating.
He says since Latka sinned
with someone he worked with,
Simka must sin with
someone she works with.
(speaking native language)
But Simka doesn't work.
(speaking native language)
So Simka must sin with
someone Latka works with.
(speaking native language)
And now we must
leave them alone.
You see what we must do now,
just because you did
not want to die?
You mean, you are going
to go through with this?
Latka--
we are religious people.
We are orthodox.
Our church has told us
what we must do,
and we must obey if
we are to remain married.
You mean to tell me
you are going to sleep
with one of my friends?
Baby, you're the greatest.
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)
(static crackles)
CINDY (over radio):
Louie, Louie, Louie,
where are you, Louie?
Why don't you help me, Louie?
Why don't you answer me, Louie?
Where are you, Louie?
Yeah, Bates, this is Louie.
How's it goin', kiddo?
I had an accident.
I hit some ice
and I spun off the road.
I can't get the cab started.
The window's broken,
and I'm freezing.
I'm on an unmarked country road.
I got off at the Rocks Hill exit
of the Garden State Parkway.
I don't know where I am.
Louie...
All right, okay, Bates,
Bates, calm down here.
Now, how do you
expect me to help you
if you're hysterical?
I'm sorry.
You're right, Louie.
Okay, okay, Louie.
I'm calm.
All right, that's better.
Now, let's think.
She's doomed.
Louie, I know where
this woman is.
Is right near
the farm where Simka and I
buy our goat knuckles.
So?
So, I want to go
and bring her back.
No, no, no, Latka,
I can't let you go.
It's too dangerous.
Let him go, Louie.
Let him go.
Louie, please, I'm so...
(static crackles)
Bates! Bates!
Ah, her radio just quit.
Latka, you can't go out there.
It's too dangerous.
No, no, listen,
where I come from,
we live every day with danger.
We laugh at danger.
Ha, ha, ha.
You call... you call this
danger-- a little snow?
Ha, come on.
Where are the wolves?
Where are the wild boars?
Where are
the avalanches?
Where are my mittens?
(wind howling)
(Latka moaning)
(moaning continues)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Are you Cindy Bates?
Yes!
Of the Sunshine Cab Company?
Yes! Yes!
Never hurts to check, you know.
(chuckles)
All right.
Oh, oh, oh...
What are you doing?
I'm freezing.
Let's just go get in your tow
truck and get out of here.
(moaning)
Oh, that would be
terrific if we could,
but, you see, it's buried
in a snowbank three miles back.
(resumes moaning)
Well, maybe you could do
something with this cab?
I-I'll take a look.
(engine sputters)
(grunts)
Oh, I think I know
what the problem is.
What?
Winter.
(grunts)
Oh, come on, turn that
frown upside down.
I'm freezing.
You want my coat?
All right. Here.
(moaning)
Oh, I hope it is
the right size for you.
Oh, oh, here.
Oh, here you go.
(continues moaning)
Oh!
(spitting)
(continues moaning)
Y-You want my scarf?
Here.
(resumes moaning)
What?
All right.
Here you go.
Oh!
(moaning)
Oh!
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It's no good.
Why?
We're still going
to freeze to death
with the wind coming
through that broken window.
No problem.
(moaning)
(continues moaning)
(continues moaning)
That should do it.
I feel terrible that
you're going to freeze
to death to save me.
I am?
We could share your coat.
Okay, thank you.
That's very nice of you.
Oh, yeah.
(moaning)
Latka?
What?
Am I paranoid, or are we
going to freeze to death?
What does "paranoid" mean?
Is it just
my imagination?
Is it just a
strange thought?
Oh, no, no, no,
you're not paranoid.
Don't worry, we're
going to freeze to death.
We are?
Yes, we are.
It is unavoidable.
But, but you know what
is the terrible thing?
I am going to be brave
in the face of death
and my wife
won't ever know.
She'll think I died
the sniveling coward
that I lived.
Don't, don't give
up yet, Latka.
We have to do
something, and fast.
I'm beginning
to get numb.
Oh, but... but
what can we do?
(wind howling, Latka moaning)
(mutters)
We can have sex.
I'm sorry.
I cannot hear too well.
I stood too close to the cannon
at my father's funeral.
No, no, no.
You... no, you were
hearing right.
The heat from our bodies
will help us to survive.
Yeah, but I can't.
I'm a married man.
This is too perfect.
I actually get to
die from rejection.
Oh, no, no, no,
is not personal.
Is nothing personal.
I am a married man.
It's a very simple
choice, Latka.
Either you have sex with me
or you freeze to death.
Sex, death...
Sex, death, hmm...
Why don't you tell me
a little bit about yourself?
Now, that's wonderful.
Yes. Thank you for calling.
The state police found them,
and they're all right.
(applause and cheering)
Thank you.
I feel complete.
I feel wanted.
I've joined the family.
What are you
talking about, Jim?
"Dear Jim Ignatowski,
we are pleased to welcome you
"as a member of our family of
satisfied MasterCard holders.
(Elaine chuckles)
Your card will
arrive shortly."
Family.
Yeah.
A family.
I've joined the family.
Me. Jim Ignatowski.
ALEX:
Nah...
No, no, Jim,
you see, in this case
"family" is being used
in a sort of, uh...
Well, it's a figure of speech.
I mean, uh, it's a kind of a
cute advertising way of...
Don't badmouth my family, Alex.
(mouthing)
Hey! Our hero!
(excited greetings)
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Please, Elaine, I
have no more to give.
Can I please talk to you alone?
I have a troubled soul.
What is it?
What is it? What is it?
Hey, this is private!
What is it, Latka? What's,
what's, what's, what's wrong?
I, I have been...
You're considered
a hero here.
Don't you know that?
I am not a hero.
I am a stinkbug.
I have been unfaithful to Simka.
What? Come here.
What-what are
you talking about?
It-it, it happened
when Cindy and I
were waiting to be rescued.
Yeah.
This will destroy Simka.
I-I don't know what should I do?
Well, uh...
You're not going
to tell her, are you?
I have to.
She knows me so well,
she will know.
Believe me.
No, no, no, no, Latka,
you can't hurt her just so
you should feel
a little less guilty.
I mean, the bigger thing here is
to... is to spare Simka.
I mean, it was a one
and one time only thing, right?
I mean, it's not going
to happen again, is it?
Eh...
Is it?
No, no.
Good, good.
Yeah, that's right.
Th-The only decent thing
to do is to deceive her.
Whew! What a relief.
Wait a minute.
How am I going to explain
the scratches on my back?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
that's right.
They were on her back.
I am lucky that you
are coming over to my house
for dinner tonight.
Huh? Oh, wow.
I almost forgot about that.
Uh, hey, but under
the circumstances...
Under the circumstances
if I'm going to deceive her,
everything has to look normal.
She's expecting you,
you come.
Come on.
(door unlocking)
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Latka!
I'm so happy. I...
You did it with
another woman!
Simka, darling...
Don't "darling" me.
Who is she?
Who was the lowlife
that would let you
have your way with her?
Well, listen,
I'll just run along now.
I've got to...
So soon?
You just got here.
Yes, you see,
in our country
we have manners.
The most important
thing is the guest.
Forget that our lives
are falling apart.
The damn guest must come first.
Here, damn guest.
Now, you have no problems.
Eat hearty!
And you!
I want names!
Who is she?!
I don't know what
you're talking about.
SIMKA:
Oh...
Really?
Yes.
Latka...
What?
Look me in the eye.
If you can look me in
the eye and tell me
that you did not have
fleshy union with another woman,
I will believe you.
I did not have fleshy
union with another woman.
Ha!
Okay, I did. I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Oh, my God!
Simka, it was nothing,
really, it was...
But you don't understand
the reason why I did...
Simka, but...
Oh, my God!
But listen, you
must understand.
I'll just grab a burger
on my way home.
You don't have
to worry about me.
Please, you are making
the guest uncomfortable.
No, no, no,
hey, hey, hey...
Oh, oh, excuse me.
The damn guest is uncomfortable?
Oh, are you uncomfortable?
No, not really.
Then sit down!
Now, you see?
The damn guest is happy.
Okay, Latka...
maybe there is something that I
don't understand.
Why did you do it?
This better be
darn good.
I did it for you.
Go on.
Or are those the last
words you will ever say?
I... I thought I was never
going to see you again.
It was below freezing,
and it was the only way
we could keep warm.
We might have died.
That's true. That's true.
In-In the garage
he's considered a hero.
Oh.
But really,
i-it's the only reason.
It was just to
save our lives.
Simka, it-it was you
I was kissing.
It was you I was caressing.
It was you I was...
Eh...
Take my word for it, it was you.
Okay.
(sighs)
What I am going to do now
is I am going to pack a bag
so that you can go and spend
the rest of your life
someplace else.
Oh, no. Uh...
But Simk... No.
Packing a bag for Latka!
Simka, no...
Simka, please.
Is not necessary.
Hey, hey,
come on, Simka.
(yelling in native language)
Come on, Simka,
think it over, Simka.
(muttering in native language)
You guys can
talk about it...
Let's talk about it.
Come on, it can't
be that serious.
(dishes breaking)
Well, listen, I've
overstayed my welcome here.
(screams)
I'll be seeing you guys.
Good night.
Please. Let me go.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Listen, if you leave, she might
stop hiding her anger.
(shrieks)
No, no, Latka, let him go.
It was just
lovely having you.
Next time, bring some
of your damn friends.
Okay, good night,
you guys. I, uh...
Listen, uh, you know,
I-I feel kind of funny
because, well, I can see
you're having some
minor difficulties
that might affect your future,
but, uh, I just want you to know
that I-I think
you're both great.
And Simka, I know
you love Latka.
If you just talk
to him calmly,
there'll be
nothing to wor...
Simka, do you really
want me to go?
I don't know what I want.
Latka, we must go to the priest.
You must confess your sin
and whatever he
advises, we must obey.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
Yeah, well, let's
not talk anymore.
(knocking at door)
(speaking native language)
Ah, Latka, Simka.
(speaking
native language)
(speaking native language)
(speaking native language)
(speaking native language)
(knock at door)
(speaks native language)
(speaks native language)
Hello, Latka, Simka.
Please forgive
the intrusion.
This will only
take a moment.
(whispers indistinctly)
I happened to run into some
ladies who missed the bus,
and, uh, they
expressed a desire
to visit the church and
see Reverend Gorky.
Ibida.
Good.
Come in, ladies.
Make yourselves at home.
Excellent.
(speaking native language)
He wants to know if you would
like to see an unburdening.
It's our religion's
equivalent of a confession.
Sure.
Mascha? Eh...
I, I don't know if
this is such a hot idea.
What I have to confess is of a
deepest, most personal nature.
(whispers)
(speaking native language)
"Providence has
brought them.
"There is no accidents.
You shall stay."
All right.
(speaking native language)
(laughing)
He says he hopes Reverend Gorky
won't be shocked by
anything he has to say.
(speaking native language)
Reverend Gorky says
Latka cannot shock him.
(speaking native language)
He has already heard a man who
raised his voice to his mother.
(Gorky speaking
native language)
Another who gave false coin to
gain admission to the subway.
(speaking native language)
So how bad can it be?
(speaking native language)
He said, "I am troubled
and seek your wisdom."
(speaking native language)
"I had meaningless sex with
a woman from the garage."
(speaking native language)
"I have been unfaithful
to my wife and a disgrace
to my family."
(wailing in native language)
"I only want for things
to be the way they were
"between Simka and me and,
for Simka to forgive me
and to save
our marriage."
Ibida, Gorky!
Ibida! Ibida! Ibida!
"Please help us,
Reverend Gorky.
Please, please, please."
And now I believe
the Reverend Gorky
will impart his sage
and profound wisdom
and counsel the sinner.
(deep voice):
Latka.
(imitating Gorky):
"Latka."
(speaking native language)
This is most fascinating.
He says since Latka sinned
with someone he worked with,
Simka must sin with
someone she works with.
(speaking native language)
But Simka doesn't work.
(speaking native language)
So Simka must sin with
someone Latka works with.
(speaking native language)
And now we must
leave them alone.
You see what we must do now,
just because you did
not want to die?
You mean, you are going
to go through with this?
Latka--
we are religious people.
We are orthodox.
Our church has told us
what we must do,
and we must obey if
we are to remain married.
You mean to tell me
you are going to sleep
with one of my friends?
Baby, you're the greatest.
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)