Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 22 - Jim's Mario's - full transcript
Jim buys out their local hangout, Mario's. He has big plans but things aren't looking up, especially since his brother has made a surprise appearance.
(theme song playing)
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Sim.
Ooh.
Hello.
Simka!
You changed your
makeup, huh?
Oh, thanks for noticing, Elaine.
I got a new career.
As a mime?
No, Louie, I'm selling
door-to-door cosmetics.
And your sample case
blew up in your face?
Please, Louie!
This is girl talk.
Elaine...
Oh...
I'm now selling Shishka
Flook Cosmetics.
They're made in my homeland,
and I bought the franchise
to 18 states including
the entire eastern seaboard.
How could you
afford that?
It cost six dollars.
You want to see
the catalog, Elaine?
Okay, sure.
Okay, good, now come on and
hurry up and buy something,
because I got a lot
of territory to cover.
Okay.
Um...
Okay, yeah, let me
have some of this perfume.
Oh, all right.
Now, would you like a
whole jar or a half a jar?
Half a jar.
Oh, that's a shame.
With the whole jar,
we throw in a free gift.
Oh, what's that?
The lid.
A whole jar.
All right.
Good girl.
Here.
How would you like
to be paid?
Oh, very much.
Okay.
Simka, uh,
when can I expect my delivery?
Uh, eventually.
Bye, all.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Congratulate me, folks.
I bought something
my brother says
I've been needing
for a long time.
A brain?
No, boss.
I don't need a brain.
I bought something
my brother, Tom,
says is a good investment
for my inheritance money.
All right, Jim,
what is it?
A rare coin.
Oh.
A 1916
Standing Liberty quarter
worth $5,000.
Ooh, nice, nice.
(whistles)
Man.
Want to see it?
Yeah.
Yes.
Well, I guess I'd
better savor this.
Oh, no, Jim,
you bought a cup of coffee
with a $5,000 coin?
Yeah. No cream, no sugar.
Hey, listen.
We got to get
your quarter back.
Yeah, uh...
Yeah, if only that
were possible.
Yeah, well, Louie
has the key.
But I already had half the cup.
ALEX:
Oh, Jim!
I did it.
I made a great
investment.
No kidding, Jim? Hey,
come here, sit down.
Something I can enjoy
while it goes up in value...
according to my brother.
Art?
No. Tom.
Hold on to your seats.
I bought Mario's.
Signed the papers this morning,
and I've been running the place
ever since.
There you go, boss.
Hey, Jim, uh,
why Mario's?
You wouldn't believe what they
were asking for Disney World.
Jim, Mario's has been
on the skids for years.
I mean, mortuaries
do better return business.
Well, we have breakfast here
every morning.
We come here every night.
Why do we come here
if it's not a great place?
It's next door
to the garage.
So is the dry cleaners
and we never eat there.
Hey, boss, I forgot
to tell you,
the guy dropped off the
plans that you asked for.
Oh, great.
Wait till you guys see this.
It's my vision
of the new Mario's.
There's gonna be lots
of volcanic rock.
Red lights and waterfalls
all over the place.
Right in the middle here,
there's gonna be a little pond
where a woman will play the harp
on a swan shaped boat.
Let's see that.
PU!
Yeah, it is a
little busy.
Okay, so I made a false start.
I'm still going
to make Mario's great.
Let's have a brainstorm.
Tony?
Um, I don't know.
The best bars I've ever been in
had free peanuts.
Oh, you should have a
really good house wine.
Good wine and free peanuts.
Takes me back
to the good ol' days
when I used to sleep
at the zoo.
(groaning)
Do you have any suggestions,
Alex?
Yeah, I think you
should have, um,
a lady playing the harp on a
swan-shaped boat, you know?
Oh, yeah?
No, no, no, no.
I... I think instead you
should have a piano.
Wouldn't the boat sink?
No, no, Jim, I mean...
I mean,
in a corner someplace.
Well, maybe we could
put it over there
by my brother, Tom.
Tom!
What are you doing here?
I came to have a look
at your so-called investment.
Oh, that's great.
I was just talking about
what I should do to the place.
I think it should be
burned to the ground,
the wreckage bulldozed,
the ashes scattered
and the earth salted
so that nothing will ever
grow on this spot again.
Well, I think I'd like
to try free peanuts first.
Come on, I'd like
to introduce you to my friends.
Here, straighten
your tie, huh?
Get your hands off.
Tom, this is Tony.
Hey, Tom.
How are you?
How you doing?
And Elaine.
Hello.
Hi.
And Alex.
Yeah, I think we've met.
Yes.
I take it you think Jim
made a mistake, huh?
No, I think I
made a mistake.
Well, you said you
wanted responsibility.
I said, "If you'd like to make
an investment, go ahead.
I'll let you make
an investment."
And look at
what you bought.
No, no, Tom.
Don't rain on my parade.
Let's have a toast.
Yeah.
Yeah,
let's have one.
Jim, you've
squandered your money
on the sleaziest
dive I've ever seen.
You're an immature,
irresponsible,
childlike simpleton.
Hear, hear!
I don't think you want
to drink to that.
Oh, no, it's okay.
You don't know
my brother, Tom.
He's a pompous ass.
Hey, Tom,
I'm telling you.
This place might have
seen better days,
but I think Jim
could make a go of it here.
Yeah, why don't you
give him a chance
before you say
he's a failure?
Yeah.
Yeah, why don't you
give me a chance?
I've only had it one day.
What could I have done
in one day?
Hello, Mr. Ignatowski.
I'm Tracy Donovan with the
New York State Liquor Authority.
I've been observing here
for a couple of hours,
and, in that time,
I've seen three violations.
Now I'm gonna
file a report,
and I have to warn you
that if you have
one more violation,
we'll close this place down.
(door closes)
Big shot.
Well, Jim, I guess there's
a lot you can do in one day.
I've got to be more careful.
I'm more responsible
than you think.
Come on, Jim,
you wouldn't last a week.
Oh, yeah?
You come back here
one week from today
and you'll see this place
crowded and successful
and I'm gonna be the one
who's responsible for it.
All right.
All right,
I'll give you one week.
(quietly):
Bye, Tom.
He's been doing this to me
ever since we were kids.
I sent away for a book
on ventriloquism and he says,
"You'll never learn
how to do that."
I said I was going out
for the Little League,
and he said,
"You're wasting your time."
I said I wanted to drive
my bicycle off the roof.
No.
That time, he encouraged me.
We're here to help you out.
Come here. Come on, we
got things to talk about.
Hey, Jim.
What are you doing here?
Just taking my dinner break.
Why don't you eat
in your restaurant?
I hate to eat alone.
Aw. Is business
still bad?
Ah, it's picking up a little.
Today, some guy came in
to use the telephone.
He didn't have any ID,
so I kicked him out.
Well, better safe than sorry.
Here, why don't you guys
join me?
I can't eat
this whole thing myself.
Jim, how come you can't eat
that one piece by yourself?
Because it's awful.
I'm doing all the cooking now.
What happened to the chef?
TONY:
Yeah?
I had to let him go--
he took drugs.
Drugs? Are you sure?
You know how when a man makes
a pizza, he does this?
Yeah.
And he does this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then he does this?
Yeah, so?
Yeah.
Well, I caught him doing that
with the soup.
My brother's right--
I'm a flop,
a failure, a zero.
Jim, there are worms
on that pizza.
Oh, it's all right.
It's our Fisherman's Special.
(clears throat)
That's really Chinese noodles.
I painted the little eyes on.
It was either that or go crazy.
Hey, Jim, Jim, I think
we can help you out.
Great, 'cause I got another
big can of noodles
and a couple extra brushes.
No, no, no, no.
I think between
the three of us
we can suggest, uh, things
to help you improve
your business.
Yeah.
Alex, I've tried everything:
ads,
drinks at half price.
Well, why don't you try
a wet T-shirt contest?
I had one.
The only contestant
was a 400-pound ex-marine
with a hairy chest.
Interesting effect,
but not enough to hold
a supper crowd.
I'm lucky my brother
wasn't there that night.
I'd rather he see an empty bar
than people pelting me
with dinner rolls.
When's your
brother coming?
Tonight.
And when he does, he's gonna see
one person in the bar:
his dumb failure of a brother.
Oh, no.
Man, there's got to be something
we can do to help Jim.
Come on.
Yeah.
Well, what's the big fuss here?
Oh, Jim's gonna
be humiliated
in front of his brother.
So what?
His brother's never
gonna trust him with large
amounts of money anymore.
And rightly so.
I mean, he's a goofball.
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
At least you won't be able
to sponge off him
anymore, Louie.
Mm.
Hey, all right.
All right, listen
up, everybody.
Listen up, all
you cabbies.
Your mission tonight
is to pack Mario's.
Now, I want
everybody to radio me
as soon as you
get a fare.
I don't care
who it is.
I don't care where
they want to go.
They're gonna end up in Mario's.
You leave it to me.
(cabbies murmuring)
All right,
come on. Nardo.
Come on, 218...
JIM:
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Boy, I sure wish
my brother would show up
and ridicule me
so I can go home.
ELAINE:
Louie, I've got
some out-of-towners here
who are interested
in seeing some celebrities,
and they want to go to Sardi's.
LOUIE:
Well, drop 'em off quick, Nardo,
because I need two cabs
to pick up Brando
and Olivier at Mario's.
I can't put 'em in the same cab.
You know how those guys are.
Hey, Mario's.
(excited chattering)
Mario's?
Mario's.
(laughter)
Louie, this is Alex.
I'm at Saint
Patrick's Cathedral,
and I've got a
couple of, uh, nuns
who want to go
to the movies.
LOUIE:
Ah, everything on the screen
these days is filth.
Might I suggest
a pleasant evening
of wholesome food at Mario's?
If you like, I'll call ahead and
reserve the Monsignor's table.
Oh, what a nice man.
Pray for him.
(sighs)
Well, Jim,
you had your week.
Looks like you failed.
Do you have any excuses?
Nope.
Why don't you sit over
there and have a beer
while you gloat?
Sure.
Tommy, a beer for my brother.
TOMMY:
Right away, boss.
Ah.
Here you go, Jim,
some customers.
Ah, welcome to Mario's.
Do you have a reservation?
Uh, no, Jim.
They're friends of mine.
Listen, uh...
(clears throat)
...all of the cabbies are
bringing people here tonight,
and, uh, some of
them are coming
under sort of
false pretenses,
so, uh, play along
with them, okay?
Okeydoke.
Here you go,
sit right over here.
Got a table all
ready for you.
(Alex mumbles)
We're here
to see some celebrities.
Oh, say, look here.
Sally Field
and Mary Martin.
TONY:
Hey, Jim!
Hey, come on in, guys.
Hey, Jim, these guys came
all the way from Dubuque, Iowa,
to see some
belly dancing.
Have a good time, gents.
See you, Jimmy.
Well, happy customers
are the best advertisement.
No, no, no, no...
All right.
Hey, uh,
we were told
this place had
a piano bar.
Oh, it certainly does,
and there it is.
All right!
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Huh, well,
those two were easy
to take care of.
Uh, Jim, I think
they're expecting
to see somebody play
that piano.
You think so?
I'm almost sure of it.
Well, you play
piano, don't you?
Yeah, I do,
but I'm not...
Well, help me
out, Alex, please.
No, I can't play
in front of people. I can't.
Just-Just tonight.
All right.
All right, all right,
all right.
I'll just play quietly,
a little background music,
but, uh, I mean, I don't want to
draw any attention to myself.
I'm very shy in front
of people, all right?
Okeydoke.
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
Ladies and gentlemen...
Jim!
No, no. Jim, no, no.
Jim's Mario's is proud
to present
for your musical
entertainment,
America's premier balladeer...
Jim, please.
...the one and only
Alex Reiger.
Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim!
All right!
Yay!
I told you,
I'm not...
Jim, there is no way
you're gonna get me to sing
in front of these people.
(whistles, applause,
and cheering)
Closing time, folks!
No!
(crowd groaning)
Okay, that's all
for tonight, folks.
Good night.
(crowd groaning)
JIM:
That's right.
Time to go home.
(crowd groaning)
No, no, no, no.
We do have laws.
You can stay, and I can
serve you another drink,
and they'll
close me down.
(crowd groaning)
Sorry.
Bye.
I'm gonna tell all of my friends
about this place.
You really know how
to make people feel welcome.
Okay.
MAN:
Should be open
seven nights a week.
JIM:
I'm working on it.
Ah, boy.
Thanks, you guys.
Tonight was a dream
come true.
And I owe it all
to you.
Oh, it was our pleasure.
You ain't kidding.
Good night, Jim.
Good night.
Oh, thanks, Tony.
All right.
Come on.
ALEX:
Oh, Jim, Jim.
What a night.
What a night!
Ah!
Hey, Jim, did
you ever think
of adding a couple of
drums and a bass player?
I love it.
I love it.
I knew you would.
I'm so glad.
Good night.
Good night, Alex.
Jim?
Huh?
I'm glad you proved me wrong.
I'd like to shake your hand.
Tom, I'm glad
I proved you wrong, too.
I want to give
you a big hug.
All right.
All right, brother.
Listen, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get my coat,
and then
I'll-I'll drive you home, okay?
Okay.
(laughs)
(sighs)
Hey, you-- you're the owner
here, aren't you?
That's right.
I want you to know
that I had
a very, very good time tonight.
Thanks. I'm glad you did.
I'm glad you did.
And say, I was...
I was wondering, uh,
if you could sell me a bottle
of brandy to take home?
Ah, sorry.
It's against the law.
Well, that's true, but,
see, I just got off the phone
with my mother,
and she's got arthritis,
and it's really bothering her,
and I know
the brandy would help.
I'm sorry.
The Liquor Authority told me
that if I had
one more violation,
they'd close me down.
Please?!
Look, there's nobody here
but you and me.
You'd only be bending the law
just a little bit,
and you'd really be helping
my mother out.
(sighs and
sputters)
All right.
Here you go.
Mr. Ignatowski,
I'm an undercover agent
with the New York
Liquor Authority.
This is your fourth violation
in one week.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to close you down.
TOM:
Ah, no, Jim.
Jim, you're hopeless.
I thought for once in your life
you'd finally manage
to not screw things up.
I wanted to believe in you,
but this just proves
that you're a failure,
and you're gonna stay
a failure your entire life.
Can I say one word
in my defense?
Seltzer.
Now get out of here.
And you tell the guys
down at the
Liquor Authority
that I'm a man
to be reckoned with!
Oh.
How many times can I
apologize to you in one day?
I never get tired
of hearing it.
(laughs)
Let's go home. Come on.
All right.
(sighs)
TOM:
Here, uh,
straighten your tie.
(Jim laughs)
Come on.
Okay.
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Sim.
Ooh.
Hello.
Simka!
You changed your
makeup, huh?
Oh, thanks for noticing, Elaine.
I got a new career.
As a mime?
No, Louie, I'm selling
door-to-door cosmetics.
And your sample case
blew up in your face?
Please, Louie!
This is girl talk.
Elaine...
Oh...
I'm now selling Shishka
Flook Cosmetics.
They're made in my homeland,
and I bought the franchise
to 18 states including
the entire eastern seaboard.
How could you
afford that?
It cost six dollars.
You want to see
the catalog, Elaine?
Okay, sure.
Okay, good, now come on and
hurry up and buy something,
because I got a lot
of territory to cover.
Okay.
Um...
Okay, yeah, let me
have some of this perfume.
Oh, all right.
Now, would you like a
whole jar or a half a jar?
Half a jar.
Oh, that's a shame.
With the whole jar,
we throw in a free gift.
Oh, what's that?
The lid.
A whole jar.
All right.
Good girl.
Here.
How would you like
to be paid?
Oh, very much.
Okay.
Simka, uh,
when can I expect my delivery?
Uh, eventually.
Bye, all.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Congratulate me, folks.
I bought something
my brother says
I've been needing
for a long time.
A brain?
No, boss.
I don't need a brain.
I bought something
my brother, Tom,
says is a good investment
for my inheritance money.
All right, Jim,
what is it?
A rare coin.
Oh.
A 1916
Standing Liberty quarter
worth $5,000.
Ooh, nice, nice.
(whistles)
Man.
Want to see it?
Yeah.
Yes.
Well, I guess I'd
better savor this.
Oh, no, Jim,
you bought a cup of coffee
with a $5,000 coin?
Yeah. No cream, no sugar.
Hey, listen.
We got to get
your quarter back.
Yeah, uh...
Yeah, if only that
were possible.
Yeah, well, Louie
has the key.
But I already had half the cup.
ALEX:
Oh, Jim!
I did it.
I made a great
investment.
No kidding, Jim? Hey,
come here, sit down.
Something I can enjoy
while it goes up in value...
according to my brother.
Art?
No. Tom.
Hold on to your seats.
I bought Mario's.
Signed the papers this morning,
and I've been running the place
ever since.
There you go, boss.
Hey, Jim, uh,
why Mario's?
You wouldn't believe what they
were asking for Disney World.
Jim, Mario's has been
on the skids for years.
I mean, mortuaries
do better return business.
Well, we have breakfast here
every morning.
We come here every night.
Why do we come here
if it's not a great place?
It's next door
to the garage.
So is the dry cleaners
and we never eat there.
Hey, boss, I forgot
to tell you,
the guy dropped off the
plans that you asked for.
Oh, great.
Wait till you guys see this.
It's my vision
of the new Mario's.
There's gonna be lots
of volcanic rock.
Red lights and waterfalls
all over the place.
Right in the middle here,
there's gonna be a little pond
where a woman will play the harp
on a swan shaped boat.
Let's see that.
PU!
Yeah, it is a
little busy.
Okay, so I made a false start.
I'm still going
to make Mario's great.
Let's have a brainstorm.
Tony?
Um, I don't know.
The best bars I've ever been in
had free peanuts.
Oh, you should have a
really good house wine.
Good wine and free peanuts.
Takes me back
to the good ol' days
when I used to sleep
at the zoo.
(groaning)
Do you have any suggestions,
Alex?
Yeah, I think you
should have, um,
a lady playing the harp on a
swan-shaped boat, you know?
Oh, yeah?
No, no, no, no.
I... I think instead you
should have a piano.
Wouldn't the boat sink?
No, no, Jim, I mean...
I mean,
in a corner someplace.
Well, maybe we could
put it over there
by my brother, Tom.
Tom!
What are you doing here?
I came to have a look
at your so-called investment.
Oh, that's great.
I was just talking about
what I should do to the place.
I think it should be
burned to the ground,
the wreckage bulldozed,
the ashes scattered
and the earth salted
so that nothing will ever
grow on this spot again.
Well, I think I'd like
to try free peanuts first.
Come on, I'd like
to introduce you to my friends.
Here, straighten
your tie, huh?
Get your hands off.
Tom, this is Tony.
Hey, Tom.
How are you?
How you doing?
And Elaine.
Hello.
Hi.
And Alex.
Yeah, I think we've met.
Yes.
I take it you think Jim
made a mistake, huh?
No, I think I
made a mistake.
Well, you said you
wanted responsibility.
I said, "If you'd like to make
an investment, go ahead.
I'll let you make
an investment."
And look at
what you bought.
No, no, Tom.
Don't rain on my parade.
Let's have a toast.
Yeah.
Yeah,
let's have one.
Jim, you've
squandered your money
on the sleaziest
dive I've ever seen.
You're an immature,
irresponsible,
childlike simpleton.
Hear, hear!
I don't think you want
to drink to that.
Oh, no, it's okay.
You don't know
my brother, Tom.
He's a pompous ass.
Hey, Tom,
I'm telling you.
This place might have
seen better days,
but I think Jim
could make a go of it here.
Yeah, why don't you
give him a chance
before you say
he's a failure?
Yeah.
Yeah, why don't you
give me a chance?
I've only had it one day.
What could I have done
in one day?
Hello, Mr. Ignatowski.
I'm Tracy Donovan with the
New York State Liquor Authority.
I've been observing here
for a couple of hours,
and, in that time,
I've seen three violations.
Now I'm gonna
file a report,
and I have to warn you
that if you have
one more violation,
we'll close this place down.
(door closes)
Big shot.
Well, Jim, I guess there's
a lot you can do in one day.
I've got to be more careful.
I'm more responsible
than you think.
Come on, Jim,
you wouldn't last a week.
Oh, yeah?
You come back here
one week from today
and you'll see this place
crowded and successful
and I'm gonna be the one
who's responsible for it.
All right.
All right,
I'll give you one week.
(quietly):
Bye, Tom.
He's been doing this to me
ever since we were kids.
I sent away for a book
on ventriloquism and he says,
"You'll never learn
how to do that."
I said I was going out
for the Little League,
and he said,
"You're wasting your time."
I said I wanted to drive
my bicycle off the roof.
No.
That time, he encouraged me.
We're here to help you out.
Come here. Come on, we
got things to talk about.
Hey, Jim.
What are you doing here?
Just taking my dinner break.
Why don't you eat
in your restaurant?
I hate to eat alone.
Aw. Is business
still bad?
Ah, it's picking up a little.
Today, some guy came in
to use the telephone.
He didn't have any ID,
so I kicked him out.
Well, better safe than sorry.
Here, why don't you guys
join me?
I can't eat
this whole thing myself.
Jim, how come you can't eat
that one piece by yourself?
Because it's awful.
I'm doing all the cooking now.
What happened to the chef?
TONY:
Yeah?
I had to let him go--
he took drugs.
Drugs? Are you sure?
You know how when a man makes
a pizza, he does this?
Yeah.
And he does this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then he does this?
Yeah, so?
Yeah.
Well, I caught him doing that
with the soup.
My brother's right--
I'm a flop,
a failure, a zero.
Jim, there are worms
on that pizza.
Oh, it's all right.
It's our Fisherman's Special.
(clears throat)
That's really Chinese noodles.
I painted the little eyes on.
It was either that or go crazy.
Hey, Jim, Jim, I think
we can help you out.
Great, 'cause I got another
big can of noodles
and a couple extra brushes.
No, no, no, no.
I think between
the three of us
we can suggest, uh, things
to help you improve
your business.
Yeah.
Alex, I've tried everything:
ads,
drinks at half price.
Well, why don't you try
a wet T-shirt contest?
I had one.
The only contestant
was a 400-pound ex-marine
with a hairy chest.
Interesting effect,
but not enough to hold
a supper crowd.
I'm lucky my brother
wasn't there that night.
I'd rather he see an empty bar
than people pelting me
with dinner rolls.
When's your
brother coming?
Tonight.
And when he does, he's gonna see
one person in the bar:
his dumb failure of a brother.
Oh, no.
Man, there's got to be something
we can do to help Jim.
Come on.
Yeah.
Well, what's the big fuss here?
Oh, Jim's gonna
be humiliated
in front of his brother.
So what?
His brother's never
gonna trust him with large
amounts of money anymore.
And rightly so.
I mean, he's a goofball.
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
At least you won't be able
to sponge off him
anymore, Louie.
Mm.
Hey, all right.
All right, listen
up, everybody.
Listen up, all
you cabbies.
Your mission tonight
is to pack Mario's.
Now, I want
everybody to radio me
as soon as you
get a fare.
I don't care
who it is.
I don't care where
they want to go.
They're gonna end up in Mario's.
You leave it to me.
(cabbies murmuring)
All right,
come on. Nardo.
Come on, 218...
JIM:
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Boy, I sure wish
my brother would show up
and ridicule me
so I can go home.
ELAINE:
Louie, I've got
some out-of-towners here
who are interested
in seeing some celebrities,
and they want to go to Sardi's.
LOUIE:
Well, drop 'em off quick, Nardo,
because I need two cabs
to pick up Brando
and Olivier at Mario's.
I can't put 'em in the same cab.
You know how those guys are.
Hey, Mario's.
(excited chattering)
Mario's?
Mario's.
(laughter)
Louie, this is Alex.
I'm at Saint
Patrick's Cathedral,
and I've got a
couple of, uh, nuns
who want to go
to the movies.
LOUIE:
Ah, everything on the screen
these days is filth.
Might I suggest
a pleasant evening
of wholesome food at Mario's?
If you like, I'll call ahead and
reserve the Monsignor's table.
Oh, what a nice man.
Pray for him.
(sighs)
Well, Jim,
you had your week.
Looks like you failed.
Do you have any excuses?
Nope.
Why don't you sit over
there and have a beer
while you gloat?
Sure.
Tommy, a beer for my brother.
TOMMY:
Right away, boss.
Ah.
Here you go, Jim,
some customers.
Ah, welcome to Mario's.
Do you have a reservation?
Uh, no, Jim.
They're friends of mine.
Listen, uh...
(clears throat)
...all of the cabbies are
bringing people here tonight,
and, uh, some of
them are coming
under sort of
false pretenses,
so, uh, play along
with them, okay?
Okeydoke.
Here you go,
sit right over here.
Got a table all
ready for you.
(Alex mumbles)
We're here
to see some celebrities.
Oh, say, look here.
Sally Field
and Mary Martin.
TONY:
Hey, Jim!
Hey, come on in, guys.
Hey, Jim, these guys came
all the way from Dubuque, Iowa,
to see some
belly dancing.
Have a good time, gents.
See you, Jimmy.
Well, happy customers
are the best advertisement.
No, no, no, no...
All right.
Hey, uh,
we were told
this place had
a piano bar.
Oh, it certainly does,
and there it is.
All right!
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Huh, well,
those two were easy
to take care of.
Uh, Jim, I think
they're expecting
to see somebody play
that piano.
You think so?
I'm almost sure of it.
Well, you play
piano, don't you?
Yeah, I do,
but I'm not...
Well, help me
out, Alex, please.
No, I can't play
in front of people. I can't.
Just-Just tonight.
All right.
All right, all right,
all right.
I'll just play quietly,
a little background music,
but, uh, I mean, I don't want to
draw any attention to myself.
I'm very shy in front
of people, all right?
Okeydoke.
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
Ladies and gentlemen...
Jim!
No, no. Jim, no, no.
Jim's Mario's is proud
to present
for your musical
entertainment,
America's premier balladeer...
Jim, please.
...the one and only
Alex Reiger.
Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim!
All right!
Yay!
I told you,
I'm not...
Jim, there is no way
you're gonna get me to sing
in front of these people.
(whistles, applause,
and cheering)
Closing time, folks!
No!
(crowd groaning)
Okay, that's all
for tonight, folks.
Good night.
(crowd groaning)
JIM:
That's right.
Time to go home.
(crowd groaning)
No, no, no, no.
We do have laws.
You can stay, and I can
serve you another drink,
and they'll
close me down.
(crowd groaning)
Sorry.
Bye.
I'm gonna tell all of my friends
about this place.
You really know how
to make people feel welcome.
Okay.
MAN:
Should be open
seven nights a week.
JIM:
I'm working on it.
Ah, boy.
Thanks, you guys.
Tonight was a dream
come true.
And I owe it all
to you.
Oh, it was our pleasure.
You ain't kidding.
Good night, Jim.
Good night.
Oh, thanks, Tony.
All right.
Come on.
ALEX:
Oh, Jim, Jim.
What a night.
What a night!
Ah!
Hey, Jim, did
you ever think
of adding a couple of
drums and a bass player?
I love it.
I love it.
I knew you would.
I'm so glad.
Good night.
Good night, Alex.
Jim?
Huh?
I'm glad you proved me wrong.
I'd like to shake your hand.
Tom, I'm glad
I proved you wrong, too.
I want to give
you a big hug.
All right.
All right, brother.
Listen, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get my coat,
and then
I'll-I'll drive you home, okay?
Okay.
(laughs)
(sighs)
Hey, you-- you're the owner
here, aren't you?
That's right.
I want you to know
that I had
a very, very good time tonight.
Thanks. I'm glad you did.
I'm glad you did.
And say, I was...
I was wondering, uh,
if you could sell me a bottle
of brandy to take home?
Ah, sorry.
It's against the law.
Well, that's true, but,
see, I just got off the phone
with my mother,
and she's got arthritis,
and it's really bothering her,
and I know
the brandy would help.
I'm sorry.
The Liquor Authority told me
that if I had
one more violation,
they'd close me down.
Please?!
Look, there's nobody here
but you and me.
You'd only be bending the law
just a little bit,
and you'd really be helping
my mother out.
(sighs and
sputters)
All right.
Here you go.
Mr. Ignatowski,
I'm an undercover agent
with the New York
Liquor Authority.
This is your fourth violation
in one week.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to close you down.
TOM:
Ah, no, Jim.
Jim, you're hopeless.
I thought for once in your life
you'd finally manage
to not screw things up.
I wanted to believe in you,
but this just proves
that you're a failure,
and you're gonna stay
a failure your entire life.
Can I say one word
in my defense?
Seltzer.
Now get out of here.
And you tell the guys
down at the
Liquor Authority
that I'm a man
to be reckoned with!
Oh.
How many times can I
apologize to you in one day?
I never get tired
of hearing it.
(laughs)
Let's go home. Come on.
All right.
(sighs)
TOM:
Here, uh,
straighten your tie.
(Jim laughs)
Come on.
Okay.
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)