Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 2 - Jim's Inheritance - full transcript

After Jim's father dies he is visited by the probate for his father's estate.

(theme song playing)

Oh... Oh, no, no, no.

No, I... No,
I understand.

Yeah. All right, good-bye.

Banta, Nardo? Reiger, Reiger?

ELAINE:
What?
ALEX: Hmm?

Come over here.
Come over here.

What?

(sighs)

I just talked
to Jim's brother.

It's terrible news.



What is it?

His dad dropped dead
over the weekend.

Oh, my... No!
ELAINE:
Oh, no!

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
No! Oh.

Well, it looks like I'm the one
that breaks the news to him.

TONY:
You?

Yeah, me.

I've done this before, you know.

Ask Perez over there.

Hey, Perez, didn't I just
tell you a couple of days ago

that your father died?

What?

Oh, Perez, I meant to, uh...

Oh...



Look, uh, look,
I'm sorry.

Look, take the rest
of the day off.

Uh, all right, look.

Look, Perez, the Lord works
in mysterious ways.

Uh, I'll-I'll make it up to you.

Louie!

Louie, maybe
you better

let one of
us tell him.

Yeah.
No, no, no, no,
I can't.

Yeah.
I can't.
This has to come from me.

I mean, Iggy and I have
a special relationship.

Yeah. Well, uh,

crazy as it sounds,
Jim does consider,

uh, Louie his closest friend.

I... Oh.

Hi, Jim. Hi.
Hi, Jim.

JIM:
Hi. How you doing?

All right. Hey, Jim...

Now, Louie, Louie.
What?

Do this right.

You're insulting me.

Uh, Jim?

Yeah?
Um,

I have something to tell you.

I think you better sit down.

The best way to do this is
to just come out and say it.

Come on here, come sit down.

Come sit down.

Uh...

(clears throat)

All right.

It's about your father.

He's no longer with us.

He never was.

He lives in Boston.

Uh, no, no.

Jim, he-he's gone on
to his final resting place.

A condo in Palm Beach?

No, no, no, no.

Jim...

Your father died.

What?

Yeah, yeah, he died on Friday,
and the funeral was Sunday.

Your brother called.

He tried to get in touch
with you, but he couldn't.

Dad?

Dad's dead.

It was his heart.

(laughs)

I-I told him
to lose weight.

Hey, Jim, Jim, we're
really sorry about this.

Yeah...
Oh, it's so
horrible.

This is the way
things are.

Uh, give-give...
give me a cab, boss.

I want to
go to work.

No, no, no, no, Jim.
Take the day off.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

No, no, no.

I want to keep my
mind off my grief.

No, no, no. Take the
day. What? What?

Give me a cab so I can
get through the day

without thinking
about my dad.

All right, uh, Jeff,
give him cab four ten.

Four ten!

Boy, how ironic.

That's how much Dad weighed.

Oh!

What a week.

I mean, uh, first Garcia's dad,
and now Jim's.

Garcia?

You told Perez.

Ah, no!

Hey, hi, Tony.

Damn it!

What is this world coming to?

It's not a decent place
to raise kids anymore.

I'm appalled.

The Yanks lost
another one?

Would I be this upset

just 'cause
the Yanks lost another game?

Double-header?

To Seattle.

But it's more than that.

It's Steinbrenner.
He's doing it again.

He's undermining his team,

and he's wrecking
a great New York tradition.

Tony, what are you
talking about?

Am I the only
one who sees

that Steinbrenner's
changing this whole world?

Wait. Tony, how could
Steinbrenner change the world?

The domino theory.

You see, Steinbrenner ruins
the spirits of the Yanks,

they lose.

Their fans become depressed
and irritable.

Bus drivers, cops, waitresses--

they go to work, but
they do a bad job, see?

That affects
everybody in the city,

including the politicians
and the bankers...

Oh...

...who make bad decisions
that hurt the economy

and affect the rest
of the world.

Before you know it, OPEC
is raising its prices,

and there's another war
breaking out in South America.

I just heard the Russians

launched another
killer satellite.

Steinbrenner.

Oh, come on.

Uh, e-excuse me.

I'm looking
for a James Caldwell.

Oh, I believe
he changed his name.

You may know him
as Jim Ignatowski.

I'm the attorney
for his father's estate.

Oh, this must be about the will.

Um, well, uh...

Jim isn't here
right now,

uh, so why don't you have
yourself a cup of coffee,

and you wait for him?

Oh, thank you.

Here you are.

(laughs)

Oh, Jeff, give
the man a donut.

What's going on, Lou?

This is the attorney
for Iggy's father,

who was loaded.

I got a feeling my buddy
Iggy is gonna be rich.

How's the coffee?

Fine.
A cake donut?!

Oh.

Jeff!

This man is an attorney.

Give me that box.

Eight years of school.

Here. A maple log.

Oh, this is my lucky day.

Iggy...

James!

This here is,
uh...

James!
This is...

It's good to
see you again.

It's been a long time.

Yes, it has. Who are you?

I-I... I'm John Bickers,
y-your father's attorney?

Oh.

Uh, James, I-I
think it's time

that we discussed
your father's will.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

(clears throat)

My father dropped me
out of that

when I dropped out
of Harvard.

Uh, but he reinstated you a
few months before he died.

As a matter of fact,
your father left you...

Uh...

Three and a half
million dollars.

(thumping)

I beg your pardon.

I couldn't help
overhearing.

Yeah, right here.

All right.

Uh,

James, there-there is a, uh...
a problem

about your inheritance.

Uh, could we talk,
uh, privately?

There's nothing
you can't tell me

that you can't say
in front of my friends.

Well, your...

your brother and sister
have petitioned the court

to establish a conservatorship
of your inheritance.

Bless them.

Uh, James,
you-you don't understand.

Uh, you see, they want
to take you to court

to prove that
you're incompetent.

Now, if they win,

they'll be in charge
of your money.

They'll give you
an allowance

and decide how and
where you'll live.

In-In other words, the
inheritance'll be yours,

but you'll be treated
like a child.

That sounds pretty good.

LOUIE:
Iggy!

Get over here!

Get up here!

ALEX:
Jim.

They're doing you wrong.

Jim.

Jim, Jim, this
is terrible.

This is terrible.

They're
robbing you!

Your brother
and sister, uh...

They're going
against your father's wishes.

Don't you understand?

You're right!

They're not gonna get away
with this!

You tell my brother
and sister

they're in for more
than they bargained for.

All right, Jim.

LOUIE: All right.
TONY: All right. That's it.

I haven't had many fights
in my life,

but what I've had, I've won.

I got my driver's license.

That's right.
That's right.

Yeah.

I got my throat checked

without a tongue depressor.

And now I'm gonna get my three
and a half million dollars!

ELAINE:
Yay!
All right, Jim!

Or fail to do so!

MAN:
Please all rise.

I prefer that hearings
in my chamber be informal.

Mr. Ignatowski,
I'd like to be frank with you.

At this point,

the papers submitted
by your brother's attorney,

Mr. Winslow,
and the court investigator

presents an extremely strong
case for conservatorship.

Uh, Your Honor,
I would like

to address some
of that evidence.

You already have in the papers
you've filed with the court.

I'd like
to talk to Mr. Ignatowski.

How are you feeling
today, Mr. Ignatowski?

Uh, competent.

May I elaborate on that,
Your Honor?

Jim

is the wisest man I ever met.

And I come from a
very bright crowd.

It is a privilege
to know him.

To put my feet up
after a hard day's work

and listen to his wisdom.

This man is so far ahead

of the rest of us

that most people

often mistake his wisdom

for burnt-out brain cells.

Your Honor,
take it from me.

This man is one
smart cookie.

Boss, if you feel
like that about me,

who cares about the money?

(mutters):
Shut up, you idiot!

Thank you, Mr. De Palma.

Your Honor, if you don't mind,
I'd like to trot out my big gun.

Could Alex Reiger

talk to you about
my competency?

JUDGE:
Certainly. I'd like to hear
any arguments on your behalf.

Uh... okay...

Uh, Your Honor,
in those papers on your desk,

uh, I know you're gonna find
there are some unusual things

that Jim has done,
but I can assure you

there are acceptable reasons
for all of them.

Believe me.

The court has to wonder
why he lived

in an abandoned building
for, uh, five years.

This isn't a trial!

It's a witch hunt!

ALEX:
Your Honor...

Your Honor, when you look
through those papers,

you're going to find
that the biggest argument

against Jim's competency
are that he is so decent

that he invariably puts
other people's welfare

above his own.
TONY:
Yeah.

This man cares absolutely
nothing about material things.

No matter what happens to him,

he goes home every night
a happy man.

Now, I'm scared
that we've all reached a point

which means that someone
like that is incompetent.

And if we have, Your Honor,
then I'm scared

and I'm sorry
not only for Jim,

but for the whole
damn bunch of us.
Hear, hear!

(cheering and applause)

You know, it's one
of the problems in this court

that they tend to rerun
Mr. Deeds Goes to Town

as often as they do.

I'm sure we all have
our idiosyncrasies.

However, I'm afraid
I must rule...

Your Honor, before you
do that, one more thing.

What is it?

What about Howard Hughes?

He was a man who had
billions of dollars

and four-foot
toenails.

No, no, no,
no, no.

Hey, forget Howard Hughes.

What about
George Steinbrenner?
Yeah.

Is a man competent...
is a man competent

that would let Reggie Jackson
go to the Angels?

That would go
through four managers

in one year, Your Honor?

Mis... Mr. Steinbrenner

isn't the subject
of this hearing...

unfortunately.

Could I say something?

JUDGE:
If you wish.

Do you wish me to stand?

However you're most comfortable.

That's as comfortable
as I can get.

What did you want to say?

Nothing.

Except that I wanted
to invite everybody here

to my victory party
at the Pierre Hotel.

We're going to have plenty
of those big shrimp.

Mr. Ignatowski...

I must rule in favor
of the conservatorship.

Your Honor...

My inheritance
is between me and my dad.

No one else.

Please...

don't take that
away from me.

No kidding around.

Please.

I'm sorry.

(knock at door)

Hi, Jim.

Hi, Elaine.

Do you want to be alone?

Hell, no.

Come on in.

You know you have
a trunk out here?

Uh... yes.

It's my dad's trunk.

Oh.

Some of his belongings.

A couple of guys dropped
it off yesterday.

Make yourself
comfortable.

Let me get you
something to drink.

No, nothing, thank you.

You know, you really
should bring this trunk in.

(stammering):
Oh, no, I... I don't think so.

Oh, no, come on, Jim,
you've got to bring it in.

Oh, I-I don't.
Well, if you're not

going to bring it in,
I'm going to bring it in.

I-I wish you wouldn't.

Uh... uh,
please, don't.

It's your
father's trunk.

It's for you.
Well...
(clears throat)

(grunting)
Uh, if you
insist on it,

why don't you
put it over there

in front
of the couch?

Or, uh... right there is fine.

So... well...

what do you think
of my new place?

Oh, yeah, I like it.

I like it.

Did you pick out, uh,
the furniture yourself?

No, no.

No, a decorator friend
helped me.

Y-You know...

what really
makes me feel bad?

What?

Leaving that money

was my dad's way
of saying,

"You're okay
after all, Jim."

And I never got the chance
to say back to him,

"You're not so bad
yourself, big guy."

Oh...

Elaine, I...
I've changed my mind.

I think I would like
to be alone.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Um...

God, Jim...

I mean, you know
you're not incompetent.

Sure.

If I was incompetent,

would I feel this bad?

(chuckles)

No, you wouldn't.

Oh...

You promise you'll call me
if you want to talk?

Oh, yeah.
Okay.

Uh, would you
like the trunk?

(chuckles)

No, thanks.

Good night.
Good night.

Why did Dad want me
to have this stuff?

My graduation picture.

Gee, I didn't know Dad
kept this.

I didn't know I graduated.

Dad's best suit.

He was married in this.

He was so proud

that 25 years later
he could still fit into it.

(thud)

Dad...

I-I'm sorry I haven't cried.

I don't know
why I haven't cried.

(sobbing)

I feel awful
that I haven't cried.

(sobbing)

Wait! I'm crying.

But am I crying
because I lost you

or because I didn't cry?

Wait, I stopped.

(sobs):
But I was crying.

I didn't want to stop.

I'm crying again.

No, I stopped.

I'm sorry we never got a chance
to say good-bye.

I don't remember if I told you
that I love you.

I do.

Did you know that?

I wish I could hear
you answer me.

I wish I could hear you
say something.

(rattling)

You left me a tape?

(click)

(Stevie Wonder's "You Are
the Sunshine of My Life" plays)

You like Stevie Wonder?

¶ You are the sunshine
of my life ¶

¶ That's why I'll always
be around ¶

¶ You are the apple of my eye

¶ Forever you'll stay
in my heart ¶

¶ I feel like this
is the beginning ¶

¶ Though I've loved you
for a million years ¶

¶ And if I thought
our love was ending ¶

¶ I'd find myself ¶

¶ Drowning in my own tears

¶ Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh

¶ You are the sunshine
of my life ¶

Oh!

¶ Yeah

¶ That's why I'll always
stay around ¶

¶ Mm-mmm, yeah, yeah

¶ You are the apple of my eye

¶ Forever you'll stay... ¶

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)