Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 11 - Zena's Honeymoon - full transcript

(theme song playing)

Zena!
Hi!

Look who's here!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Hey!

It seems like
a million years!
I know.

Long time,
long time.
You look
fantastic!

Oh, thanks.
So do you.
Oh, Zena!

God, it's so great
to see you both.
ALEX: Look at that!

(Elaine laughs)
Wow!

God.

Hey, how's Louie doing, huh?



Louie?
Oh...

Well, I'm sure he's
happy at the moment.

He's checking
the rat traps.

Well, I'm glad
he's here.

I have something I want
to talk to him about.

Oh, are... are you getting
back together, or...?

No!

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

Uh,

there's just this kind
of formal affair

I'd like to invite him to.

Oh, yeah?
ALEX:
Hmm...

Yeah.
What's the occasion?

I'm getting married.



You're getting
married?!

Oh, my God!

Congratulations!

ALEX:
Hey!
You're all invited.

I always told you I'd invite
you to my wedding, right?
That's right.

That's right.
All of us?
Yeah.

Well, Zena, I mean, your
wedding day is supposed

to be the most wonderful
day of your life.

Why would you be
inviting Louie?

You know, I believe

that you don't stop
loving people,

even when you pass 'em by.

Hey, you know,
that's very beautiful.

You just tell him what
you told us... and duck.

(laughs)

Hey, would you
look who's here!

ALEX:
Hey!
ELAINE: Yeah.

Well... I'll be!

Alex Reiger,
you old son of a gun.

No, no, no.

Jim, Jim, Jim...

Oh, you're a sight
for sore eyes.

Yeah, yeah, it's great
to see you, too, Jim.

Great to see you.

You remember Zena?

JIM:
Oh, yeah, yeah.

The boss's girlfriend.

Zena's getting married!

Oh, congratulations!
That's great.

See that?

Why... that boss.

The monkey never said a word.

Congratulations, Zena.

You got yourself a catch.

Uh, no, Jim, I'm
not marrying Louie.

Another man?

Oh, perfidy!

Thy name is woman!

Jim, what are you
talking about?
ALEX: Jim...

Zena and Louie haven't been
together for a long time.

She's free to do
what she wants.

I think it's
great, Zena.
Yeah.

TONY:
Congratulations.

Go back!

Take the rest of the day off!

What are you talking about,
Iggy?

I caught one back there.

He didn't even finish
the cheese.

Hi, Louie.

Um... uh...

Uh, Zena Sherman, isn't it?

You're looking good.

Oh, thanks.

I got a mirror
that tells me that.

(laughs)

You know, Louie, um...

I have something
to tell you,

but I don't think this
is the right place.

Can you meet me for a
drink after you get off?

Uh, I'll check.

Uh, Jeff?
Yeah.

What's on my calendar?

A roach.

I'm free.

Good, good.

There's a nice bar in that
new French place up the street.

Let's meet there, okay?

Oh, oui, oui.

(both laugh)

I'll see you
in an hour.

Okay. Well, it was nice
seeing you all.

So long, Zena.
Bye, Zena.

Hey, good
to see you again.

Right.
Take it easy. Bye.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

It was bound to happen
sooner or later.

What was?

Operation Crawlback.

(laughs)

And you guys thought she
was through with me, huh?

(laughs)

Well... if you'll excuse me,

I got to go home
and change my sheets.

(laughs)

I have to tell
you, Louie...

you're way off base on this one.

Ah, relax, Reiger.

I'm just shooting off my mouth.

You want to know the truth?

I missed her, too.

LOUIE:
Zena, I took the liberty
of ordering dinner for you.

So, what's on your mind, Zena?

Well, you...

Louie?

(mutters)

You know, we haven't seen each
other in a really long time.

(sighs) Yeah.

So, uh, I was thinking maybe
we should take a little time

to kind of bring each
other up to date.

Up to date?

Yeah, you know, like, uh...

Haven't there been a lot
of... changes in your life?

Nope.

Nothing's changed?

You want to know

if there's anybody else
that you have to worry about.

Well, there have been others.

There have been others,
and as good as they were,

none of 'em earned
the Golden Louie.

(laughs)
Oh, Louie.

I...
You know why?

Because once you've found
the exact person

who's right for you
in your life...
Lou...

Actually, I have, Louie.
See, that's why I wanted
to talk to you.

Shh-shh-shh.
Can I say
something really...?

Shh. Shh. No, no. Look.

Let me make this very simple.

The door is open, Zena.

You've suffered enough.

Come in out of the rain.

Louie, I'm
getting married.

You know, I always thought

that I would forgive you,

but not this quick.
Louie...

I'm getting married!
I mean, I thought that we...

I met another man,

and we fell in love,

and we're gonna be
married in two weeks.

Oh, Louie,
I am very happy.

And I'm really hoping

that you can
be happy for me.

Are you?

Happy for you?

Oh... (chortles) Yeah,
I'm happy for you.

I'm happy.

Yeah, I'm-I'm happy for you.

(laughs)

We're happy
for her, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's good.
We're happy for you.

We're happy. We're happy.
We're all happy.

Whee! We're happy
for you.

Give me that!

Louie, I wanted
to tell you myself

so that you wouldn't find
out on your own and be hurt.

Louie, I know this
must be a shock to you,

but we've meant a
lot to each other,

and I don't want that to end
just 'cause I'm getting married.

Louie, I want to be
friends with you,

and I'm asking you if you
can find it in your heart

to come to my wedding.

I'd really, really
appreciate it.

It would mean
a lot to me.

Really, it would.

(sighs)

(belches)

Who is he?

Who's the guy?

Who's the next victim?

I think maybe this
isn't the right time
to be telling...

No, no, no, no.
I want to know.
No, really.

I want to know who it is, Zena.
I don't think I want to
talk about this...

Not right now.
Who is it, Zena?
Tell me who it is.

Okay. Okay.
Sit down. Sit down.
Tell me! Tell me who it is!

Tell me who it is.
Sit down.

Okay, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.
Tell me!

His name is Tom Pelton.

He's a child psychiatrist,
and we met six months...

That's enough.

(sighs)

I understand.

I'm not gonna make this
difficult for you.

Would you at least

have the decency

to go to bed with me
for one last time?

I... I am going to forget
you said that.

Well, then I'll repeat it.

Would you at least
have the decency...?

Good night, Louie.

She didn't even look back!

You know, I'm not gonna pay
for a damn thing on this table.

Ah, ah!

I didn't say
I wasn't gonna eat it.

I'm just not
gonna pay for it.

I'll get the manager.

Here. Bring me
another bottle of wine.

What the hell are
you looking at, Mac?

Huh?

You never seen a man eat
French food before, huh?

Huh?

Hey, don't look away from me!

You're no better than I am, man.

Huh?

Just because you're sitting
there with a woman.

Get up!

Get up!

Come on!

Come over here!

Come over here!

(sobbing)

How we doing, Jeff?

You got eyes.

I-I don't understand
why you're acting like this.

I wanted to go
to the wedding.

I'm sorry, Jeff,

but slow moments
are the only chance we got

to catch up on these little odds
and ends

that we have to do
around this garage.

We missed a spot.

(Elaine laughing)
Hey, look busy.
Somebody's coming.

(Tony mumbles)
Why are you saying that?

(laughter)

TONY:
What a great wedding!

ALEX:
Lemme tell ya!

ELAINE:
Oh, the best!
Yeah.

The best! I can't believe
I caught the bouquet!

You're lucky.

I got this.

(Elaine laughs)

Good going, Jim.

TONY:
That's great.

That's looking good, Jeff.

ELAINE:
She looked great.
Looking good.

What we have to do now

before we do anything else
is put a coat of primer on it.

Hey, you know,
you guys are late.

I got cabs to
get out here.

Where you been?

We were at a wedding, Louie.

I really thought you'd show up.

Was that Zena's wedding?

Was that today?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey, what the heck?

I can't be runnin' off
to weddings every day

havin' a good time.

I mean, somebody's gotta
do the hard, dirty,

thankless little chores
around here.

Guess who?

Hey, Banta.
Yeah, Lou.

I want to talk
to you a minute.

Come over here.

I want to-- I want to ask you
a couple of questions

about the wedding.

Oh, I don't know,
Louie.

I feel kind of funny talking
to you about that.

Why?

Well, what good is
it gonna do you

to hear what kind of great
guy Zena married?

How do you know
he's so great?

We talked at the
reception.

And we hit it off.

He was telling me
great things

about being a child
psychiatrist,

and I was telling him great
things about being a
neighborhood guy.

They're real excited about
where they're going
on their honeymoon.

Where are they going?

They're taking a cruise
on the Britannia Star.

They went right from
the reception.

I took her on a boat once.

I took her on a ride
around Manhattan.

We made bets

on who would see the most
disgusting things

floating around
in the water.

I let her win.

And now

she's gonna be out there
on that deck

looking for raw sewage
with another guy.

(Elaine laughing)

(both laughing)

Oh, are ya happy?

Huh? Are you happy?

Yeah?
JIM:
Yeah.

Yeah, well, be happy
at your work.

Get up, get dressed
and get outta here.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

I just want to share your joy
with New York City.

Out, yeah!
Out, get out!

Go on. Go on.

Here, you, too, Reiger.

TONY: Want me
to help you out?
Yeah.

You should have been at
that wedding, Louie.

That was your last chance,
you know that?

Your last chance to prove that
you're a decent human being

and leave Zena with a... with a
loving memory of Louie De Palma.

And you blew it!

You could have shown
a little class.

It was important
to her.

What the hell good
would that have done?

What would I have said?
You could have said anything,

you could have told her
anything.

You could have told her
the truth.

You could have said that
happiness is hard to come by

in this life, and she's given
you more than your share.

Hey, that's nice.

Thank you.

Nice?

That was beautiful.

"H-Happiness is..." How'd it go?

What?

I-I-I don't... I don't
remember what I say.

What-what'd you...
what'd you say?
Happi...
happiness is...

"Happiness is hard to come by
in this life,

and you've given me more
than my share."

Yeah, that is nice. Yeah.

That is beautiful...

and classy.

Well, there's
not much point right now.

No, no, no,
this is great.

H-Happiness is hard to...

To come by
by...

in this life.
in this life.

LOUIE AND JEFF:
And you've given me more
than my share.

Wow!

What a way to go out!

What a man I'd be to say that.

There's still time, Reiger!

You're right.

You're right.
What're you talking about?

I should've done the
classy thing.

And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Jeff, you take
over for me.

What're you talking about,
there's still time?

What're you gonna do?
They're on their honeymoon.

Happiness is hard to come by
in this life,

and you've given me more
than my share.

Friendship is a gift of fate,

and I thank the gods
for sending you.

People who just say "hi"
in this life

don't know what they're missing.

(cheering, applause)

Oh!
Oh, thought
we'd never get away.

Me, too.
(laughs)

But now, finally,
it's just you and me.

So, uh, what do you want
to do first, huh?

Uh, well, um,

there's, um,
bingo at 7:30.

Uh-huh.

And then, uh,
there's a movie,

The Poseidon Adventure
at 8:00.
(laughs)

Yeah, or uh...

How's that?
This is
a good idea, too.

Mmm.

Don't mind me.

I know how it is
with young marrieds.

What-what are you doing here?

Well, I couldn't
make the wedding,

so I brought you some
champers for the trip.

Who are you?

Tom, this is Louie
De Palma.

(chuckles)

It's kinda like meetin'
a legend, isn't it, Tom?

Ah, I understand how
difficult it must be

competing with the ghost
of Louie De Palma.

Louie did this,
Louie said that.

You look great.

But I'm a good loser.

And, uh, I just want
to speak my peace

and get outta here.

Happiness is hard to come by

in this life...
TOM:
You used

to date this man?
Yeah.

Yes, a long time ago.

You mean that this is the first
time my name ever came up?

Oh, I get it.

Oh, that's very
decent of you, Zena.

To spare old Tom here

the pain of the inevitable
comparison.

(sighs)

You really dated this guy?

Well, what'd you think,

you beat out the governor
and the president to get her?

This is what you beat out.

Right here, look, this is it.

It was you or this.

(blowing raspberry)

Huh?

We used to go steady.

(blowing raspberry)
Oh!

She said she loved me.

(blowing raspberry)
That's it!

That's... I'm calli''
security, and I'm

having him
thrown out.
Oh, no, don't.

It's not necessary.

I know what he's doing.

I understand this man.

Oh, come on.

How can you understand
someone like Louie?

Honey,
I'm a psychiatrist.

It's my job.

I'm trained to understand
deviant behavior.

(grunting)

Louie, can I talk to you
a minute?

Sit, please.

Now, Louie...

you are not the first man
who has ever loved and lost.

(grunts): Yeah.

It's a common human
experience.

Uh, as a matter
of fact,

everything that you've
done up to this point

was really quite
normal.

It was, huh?
Mm-hmm.

A lot of men would do
exactly the same thing

in your position.

You're wonderful.

You mean,

you've seen all this before?

Oh... many times.

You mean, this is nothing new
to you?

Oh, no, of course not.

Not to me, Lou.

It's not?

How 'bout this?

(growling)
Oh!

Like that?
Like that?
Louie... stop it!

Huh?

You're a psychiatrist.

Why am I doing this, huh?

Huh? Tell me, Doc.
Stop it!

Why do you think
you're doing it?

I'm doing it
because I hate your guts.

And because it makes
me feel good.

Stop it! Just cut it out!
That's it!
That's it!

Cut it out right now!
(groans)

(sighs)

(grunts)

TOM:
Oh!

Oh.
Oh.

Oh.
(sighs)

Are you mad at me?

(grunting):
Louie!

All right,
all right,

I guess... I guess I've gone
too far this time.

And to think, I ran
all the way over here

just to show a little class.

And what do I do?

I wind up strangling
your husband

and stealing his watch.

ZENA:
Oh!

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna
get outta your lives.

Tom...

Can I say one last
thing to this woman?

Yeah, sure.

You went with
him, huh?

Happiness is hard to come by
in this life...

...and you've given me
more than my share.

That's lovely, Louie.

(mumbling)

I'm telling ya, I sure wish
this hadn't happened,

but I'm very glad I got
to hear you say that.

It's a beautiful thing to say.

Thank you.

Thanks.

It's not my line.

That was Reiger's line.

Want to know
how I feel, huh?

Do you want to know
exactly how I feel?

This comes right
from the heart.

The thing that...

that really kills me,

is that...

I'm never gonna do
better than you.

You were the best woman

that I ever had...

and I let you go.

Zena?

Yeah.

Would you do me one last favor?

What?

When you see repulsive things
floating around in the water...

I'll be thinking of you.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)