Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 10 - Elaine and the Monk - full transcript
Simka's visiting cousin Zifka is a monk who is allowed to break his vow of silence and sample worldly pleasures for one week every ten years. Zifka and Elaine find romance during that all-too-short week.
(theme song playing)
(humming happily)
Excuse me.
(laughs)
What do you say, guys?
Well.
Oh, my gosh.
(laughs)
How come you're so happy?
Well...
I didn't tell you
about this before
because if it didn't work out,
it would have been real,
real embarrassing,
but I've got a chance
to make big money.
Wait a minute.
What is it? What is it?
Chinchillas.
Chinchillas?
Eight months ago,
I bought six of them.
Guess how many I got now.
Go ahead, take a guess. Go on!
What an interesting question
you pose, Tony.
Considering
gestation period
and average
litter size...
about eight months...
uh...
you've got 162.
No, I got 165, Jim!
165!
What was I thinking of?
I feel about this big.
Jim, you were off by three.
Oh, go ahead, lady,
rub it in.
Anyway, uh, a chinchilla coat
costs thousands of dollars,
so I'm on easy street as soon as
those little guys start to shed.
Watch out!
Ooh!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, Tony.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(chortling)
I hate to be the one
to break this to you, Banta,
but they don't shed.
Oh, what do you mean?
You got to clip 'em?
Uh-uh.
If you want to make coats out of
the little babies, you got to...
(makes slicing sound)
(screaming)
Oh, no!
Oh, sorry, Tony.
Well, I can't do it.
I can't. I'm not gonna kill
little-little Chubby
and Muffin and... Whiskers
and Boots and Iron Man
and Rocky One, Rocky Two,
Rocky Three,
and Toots and Joey
and Groovy...
Wait a minute.
Tony, Tony! You
named all of them?
I had to have something
to put on their bowls.
Look what I got,
everybody.
A monk.
Isn't that something?
You-You know the party
you're all invited to,
to come tonight to meet
Simka's cousin Zifka.
ALEX: Yeah.
TONY: Yeah?
Well, this is him.
Oh.
This is some surprise, huh?
Yeah.
(chuckles):
Wow.
When I was a reverend,
I used to wear a robe myself,
but it didn't
look like that.
What-What did
it look like?
This.
Well, anyway, I won't bother
to introduce him now.
I'll see you all at 8:00.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Why can't you
introduce him now?
He can't talk.
He has taken a vow of
non-communication.
See?
Oh, oh...
He can't even do this.
And he can't
even do this.
ALEX: Yeah, yeah.
We understand.
You know,
he can't even...
No, no. We understand, yeah.
Excuse me.
I wanted to ask a question
about this party tonight.
Are we going
to get wild or crazy?
You know, talk?
Sure.
See, Zifka comes from a
monastery in my country
that has a religious order
that is much different
than any religious
order you ever heard of.
Every ten years, each
monk in the monastery
takes a week off,
and during that week,
he is free
to sample all
of life's pleasures.
Zifka's week starts
tonight at 8:00.
So, see you all there.
Bye-bye.
Come on... come on.
I admire that guy.
Did you see the serenity
in his eyes?
It must be wonderful in there.
I'm going to take
a vow of silence myself.
I, Jim Ignatowski,
will no longer talk.
Oh, that's easy.
Oops.
Everybody, it is 8:00.
It's time
for Zifka's week to begin!
(zipping)
Oh, gosh!
Well, I wonder
what sage words of wisdom
he will impart
after ten years of meditation.
How do I look?
You look wonderful.
Oh.
Zifka, we have
a gift for you.
A watch.
Oh, but I cannot keep it when
I go back to the monastery.
That-That's the good part.
Eh, we get it back
when you leave.
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you.
So, what are you
going to do first?
Slouch.
At the monastery, they are
such sticklers for posture.
(chuckles)
(sighing):
Oh. Oh.
Zifka, Zifka, please,
stand up straight.
We want you
to meet our friends.
That's right.
Here, this is Louie.
Louie!
How you doing?
(grunts)
And this is Alex.
Alex!
Hi.
Hi.
And over here,
this is Tony.
Oh, how ya doing?
Tony.
And this is Jim.
Jim!
I-I want to thank you for
bringing silence into my life.
And over here,
this-this is Elaine.
Hello.
Do you dance?
Yes.
I thought so.
The man is a smoothie.
That's what he loves
more than anything.
Dancing.
Yes. Oh, my
good friends,
I am so pleased to
know all of you.
I have so much to catch up on
in so little time.
Latka, do you know what I
would really love to do now?
Well, no, golly gee.
I wonder,
what would you like to do now?
I would love to listen
to somebody really
talented play the gruck.
Oh, well, I wonder
where we could find someone
who knows
how to play the gruck.
Well, your cousin Zifka!
SIMKA:
Oh, that's right!
Well, maybe he needs just
a little bit of encouragement
to play the gruck!
ALL: Play the gruck!
Play the gruck!
(all chanting):
Play the gruck!
Okay, okay.
He plays
the eight-string gruck.
He plays it so beautifully.
He was a child prodigy.
Did you know that
at the age of 12,
he was the second gruckist
in the national symphony?
There is a particular song, uh,
from my country
that I would like to sing.
It, um...
Tradition says that it may only
be sung for a beautiful woman.
(plays a chord)
Uh, I think, Elaine, you
fulfill those requirements.
(chuckles)
LOUIE:
I knew it.
He's been staring
at your headlights all night.
Headlights?
Uh, "headlights" means,
uh, eyes, Zifka-- eyes.
Well, in that case,
I dedicate this song
to Elaine's headlights.
(sighs)
(singing in native language)
(singing and playing continues)
That was beautiful.
Elaine, in the song, he has
asked you to go dancing with him
in the village by moonlight.
Aw.
Hey, Zif, what you're
really looking forward to
is going dancing?
Yes.
Come on.
I'll take ya dancing.
I know a place. Come on.
Oh! Gee, I just forgot.
I just remembered.
I can't make it.
Elaine, come
here a second.
Oh, take it easy.
Elaine, would you
take Zifka dancing?
Wink. Wink.
Well, I don't...
I-I'd love to,
but, I mean,
Simka, you have
this party planned.
Oh, no, no.
Go ahead.
All I prepared
was a bowl of bread.
Well, here I am
in the same old rut:
going out dancing with a monk.
She's only kidding.
She's a good sport.
Go ahead. Have fun, you two.
(all saying goodbyes)
Thank you.
He's all right.
He's all right.
All right, turn out
the lights. Party's over.
Bye-bye, everybody!
Come back again.
Sure.
Yeah.
We'll be right back. Yeah.
(laughing)
Just a second, Zifka.
I just have to get my keys.
Oh, Elaine, I...
Thank you for a wonderful
evening tonight.
Oh... (laughs)
Oh, I really enjoyed
those clubs and the music.
You know, I just wish
I'd gotten you to dance.
Oh, do you think less of me
because I couldn't?
No, of course not.
I always wanted to,
but I-I never really have.
So, there are all those people
there, you know.
It makes me nervous.
So why didn't you just imagine
that you were dancing
alone with me?
Ah, that's what I was doing
the whole time
I was sitting there.
(chuckles)
Oh, you're good.
Oh, no, no.
¶ Heaven...
(laughs)
¶ I'm in heaven ¶
(laughs)
¶ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ¶
¶ Da-da-da da-da da-da da-da
¶ Da-da da da...
(chuckles)
¶ Da-da da-da da-da
da-da da-da ¶
¶ Oh, I'd love to
go out fishing ¶
¶ In a river or a creek
(phone rings)
¶ But it doesn't thrill me
half as much ¶
I'm busy.
(laughing)
¶ Heaven
¶ I'm in heaven ¶
¶ And my heart beats
so that I can hardly speak... ¶
(Elaine laughing)
¶ And I seem to find
¶ The happiness I seek...
Oh, I always
wanted to do that.
¶ When we're out together ¶
¶ Dancing cheek to cheek
¶ Dance with me
¶ I want my arms about you
(laughing)
¶ All the charms
about you ¶
¶ When we're out together ¶
¶ Dancing cheek to cheek.
How long are you
in town for?
(laughs)
(laughter)
Oh, hi.
Oh. What did you guys
do today?
Oh... oh!
We went
to the Bronx Zoo.
And to the World
Trade Center.
And then...
then we flew a kite
in Central Park,
you know,
and then we went roller-skating
down Fifth Avenue.
Were you singing "I'm a
Pepper, he's a Pepper"?
So how'd you like the
World Trade Center, Zifka?
Oh, it... it was great.
Mm-hmm.
Well, listen, Elaine, uh,
shall I meet you again
same time tonight?
Yes.
Okay.
(knocks on table)
I'm going shopping.
I'm going shopping
to buy a present
for a person, whose
face like an angel,
has made my
visit here
a treasure never
to be forgotten.
Oh, I'm so flattered.
Even hearing you say it
just makes me go crazy.
Oh, Alex.
I-I'll be leaving New York
tonight.
I'm going back
to the monastery, so...
so I'll be...
won't be seeing you again.
So, I just wanted you to know
I'll be praying for you to find
a little bit more happiness.
Oh, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm just reading my newspaper.
Well, it was really nice
meeting you.
Oh, good-bye.
(smooching)
(smooching)
Come early.
(laughing)
He seems to be taking up
a lot of your time, isn't he?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, to tell you the truth,
we're spending every chance
we get together.
Mm-hmm.
He's so much fun, Alex.
You know, he-he finds pleasure
in everything.
He... it's, like,
all a brand-new experience
for him because...
because... because he thinks
that way, you know,
and-and he makes me feel
that way, too.
I mean, things I've seen
and done all my life
suddenly seem wonderful to me
because he thinks they are.
Oh, I'll tell you, this has been
the best week of my life.
Well, that's very nice
for both of you.
Is something wrong?
Well, now that you mention it...
I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,
but you are the worst parent
I've ever seen.
What?!
You were spending
so much time with Zifka,
you forgot about your own son
Jason's birthday party.
Oh, no.
Every year,
I come over and we go
to Coney Island
or something like that?
Yeah.
And I woke up this morning
and I remembered
the birthday
was yesterday, and I...
and those kids really must
have missed their party.
Well, actually, Alex,
we had the party.
You see, and-and Zifka
was there, and we...
we were having such a good time
that I forgot to call you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I was just concerned
that they have a good time.
Oh, yeah.
They like Zifka?
They love him.
Yeah. I can see how
they'd like him.
He's like a Smurf.
(laughs)
Yeah.
Alex...
I love Zifka, too.
(laughs)
Why are you laughing?
"I love Zifka."
I mean, the sound of it.
You can't possibly be serious.
"I love Zifka"--
that's like saying,
"I love Bomba."
"I love Cheetah."
Doesn't he have a last name?
What does his last name matter?
I, uh... I'm telling you,
this is the fullest relationship
I've had in a long time.
Fullest relationship?
Oh, come on, Elaine.
You may not have thought
of this, but...
in a full relationship,
physical compatibility
is very important.
So?
So, he's been celibate
for ten years.
So?
So...
he may find it difficult
to be with a woman.
No problem.
No problem.
Well, that's a relief.
Alex, Zifka's wonderful.
He's... he's physical and
spiritual at the same time.
Please.
And...
and you should see how shy he
gets when I tell him that.
You tell him those things?
Yeah.
Oh, Elaine...
Elaine, this guy comes
from another country.
Don't you know that?
I mean, he might...
he might not understand
that someone in New York...
how they speak
in New York, you know...
people say things very easily
and don't even mean them.
Well, I don't say them easily,
and I certainly mean
every one of them.
Alex, in the purest sense
of the word,
this has been the most
romantic week of my life.
Oh...
(blows raspberry)
Well, obviously, the
romance eludes you.
Oh, wait a minute.
Elaine, Elaine!
You know, I was going
to let you walk out that door
without saying my piece,
but you keep heaping it on.
But at the point
that I realize
that you're toying
with this guy,
then somebody
has to stop you.
Don't tell me I
toyed with him.
I don't toy with monks.
You know, that's a terrible
thing to say to somebody--
that they toyed
with a monk.
Yeah, all-all right.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I...
All right,
maybe I'm wrong.
Elaine, now, come on.
Don't be mad at me!
Ah...
(sighs)
I'm not mad at you.
(sighs)
How could I be mad at you?
(grunts)
You're just jealous
that you have no
love in your life.
(knock at door)
Oh!
Where have you been?
Our last night together.
Time is almost up.
I can't believe it.
I made you vegetarian
lasagna and everything.
Elaine, I got lost.
I took the wrong subway.
We only have a minute,
40 seconds left
before I have
to be silent again.
Oh, there's
so much to do.
I-I-I don't know
what to do first.
Kiss me.
Now, eat some lasagna.
(sighs)
Mmm.
It's good?
Mmm!
Isn't life crazy,
Elaine?
You know, one minute,
you're in New York
kissing a beautiful girl,
and then the next,
back at the abbey
rolling cheese balls.
Oh, it's so frustrating.
Elaine, I was looking forward
to this entire evening
to tell you
of my feelings for you.
Uh... there's
so much to say.
I don't know how
I can say it all now.
Shh.
You don't have
to say anything.
No!
No, I do.
Elaine, you...
you don't know how important
this is to me.
You know, it's not very often
(watch alarm beeping)
that it happens that... when...
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
(sighs)
Can you at least
stick around?
Lots of couples don't
talk to each other.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry; I didn't
mean to make you smile.
This is so frustrating!
Zifka, you're great.
(sighs)
And don't... don't worry
about not being able
to tell me anything.
What we had was so special.
(sighs)
Well, there's no easy way
to do this, huh?
So, here's to us.
Bye, Zifka.
(piano gently playing
"Cheek to Cheek")
(song ends)
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)
(humming happily)
Excuse me.
(laughs)
What do you say, guys?
Well.
Oh, my gosh.
(laughs)
How come you're so happy?
Well...
I didn't tell you
about this before
because if it didn't work out,
it would have been real,
real embarrassing,
but I've got a chance
to make big money.
Wait a minute.
What is it? What is it?
Chinchillas.
Chinchillas?
Eight months ago,
I bought six of them.
Guess how many I got now.
Go ahead, take a guess. Go on!
What an interesting question
you pose, Tony.
Considering
gestation period
and average
litter size...
about eight months...
uh...
you've got 162.
No, I got 165, Jim!
165!
What was I thinking of?
I feel about this big.
Jim, you were off by three.
Oh, go ahead, lady,
rub it in.
Anyway, uh, a chinchilla coat
costs thousands of dollars,
so I'm on easy street as soon as
those little guys start to shed.
Watch out!
Ooh!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, Tony.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(chortling)
I hate to be the one
to break this to you, Banta,
but they don't shed.
Oh, what do you mean?
You got to clip 'em?
Uh-uh.
If you want to make coats out of
the little babies, you got to...
(makes slicing sound)
(screaming)
Oh, no!
Oh, sorry, Tony.
Well, I can't do it.
I can't. I'm not gonna kill
little-little Chubby
and Muffin and... Whiskers
and Boots and Iron Man
and Rocky One, Rocky Two,
Rocky Three,
and Toots and Joey
and Groovy...
Wait a minute.
Tony, Tony! You
named all of them?
I had to have something
to put on their bowls.
Look what I got,
everybody.
A monk.
Isn't that something?
You-You know the party
you're all invited to,
to come tonight to meet
Simka's cousin Zifka.
ALEX: Yeah.
TONY: Yeah?
Well, this is him.
Oh.
This is some surprise, huh?
Yeah.
(chuckles):
Wow.
When I was a reverend,
I used to wear a robe myself,
but it didn't
look like that.
What-What did
it look like?
This.
Well, anyway, I won't bother
to introduce him now.
I'll see you all at 8:00.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Why can't you
introduce him now?
He can't talk.
He has taken a vow of
non-communication.
See?
Oh, oh...
He can't even do this.
And he can't
even do this.
ALEX: Yeah, yeah.
We understand.
You know,
he can't even...
No, no. We understand, yeah.
Excuse me.
I wanted to ask a question
about this party tonight.
Are we going
to get wild or crazy?
You know, talk?
Sure.
See, Zifka comes from a
monastery in my country
that has a religious order
that is much different
than any religious
order you ever heard of.
Every ten years, each
monk in the monastery
takes a week off,
and during that week,
he is free
to sample all
of life's pleasures.
Zifka's week starts
tonight at 8:00.
So, see you all there.
Bye-bye.
Come on... come on.
I admire that guy.
Did you see the serenity
in his eyes?
It must be wonderful in there.
I'm going to take
a vow of silence myself.
I, Jim Ignatowski,
will no longer talk.
Oh, that's easy.
Oops.
Everybody, it is 8:00.
It's time
for Zifka's week to begin!
(zipping)
Oh, gosh!
Well, I wonder
what sage words of wisdom
he will impart
after ten years of meditation.
How do I look?
You look wonderful.
Oh.
Zifka, we have
a gift for you.
A watch.
Oh, but I cannot keep it when
I go back to the monastery.
That-That's the good part.
Eh, we get it back
when you leave.
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you.
So, what are you
going to do first?
Slouch.
At the monastery, they are
such sticklers for posture.
(chuckles)
(sighing):
Oh. Oh.
Zifka, Zifka, please,
stand up straight.
We want you
to meet our friends.
That's right.
Here, this is Louie.
Louie!
How you doing?
(grunts)
And this is Alex.
Alex!
Hi.
Hi.
And over here,
this is Tony.
Oh, how ya doing?
Tony.
And this is Jim.
Jim!
I-I want to thank you for
bringing silence into my life.
And over here,
this-this is Elaine.
Hello.
Do you dance?
Yes.
I thought so.
The man is a smoothie.
That's what he loves
more than anything.
Dancing.
Yes. Oh, my
good friends,
I am so pleased to
know all of you.
I have so much to catch up on
in so little time.
Latka, do you know what I
would really love to do now?
Well, no, golly gee.
I wonder,
what would you like to do now?
I would love to listen
to somebody really
talented play the gruck.
Oh, well, I wonder
where we could find someone
who knows
how to play the gruck.
Well, your cousin Zifka!
SIMKA:
Oh, that's right!
Well, maybe he needs just
a little bit of encouragement
to play the gruck!
ALL: Play the gruck!
Play the gruck!
(all chanting):
Play the gruck!
Okay, okay.
He plays
the eight-string gruck.
He plays it so beautifully.
He was a child prodigy.
Did you know that
at the age of 12,
he was the second gruckist
in the national symphony?
There is a particular song, uh,
from my country
that I would like to sing.
It, um...
Tradition says that it may only
be sung for a beautiful woman.
(plays a chord)
Uh, I think, Elaine, you
fulfill those requirements.
(chuckles)
LOUIE:
I knew it.
He's been staring
at your headlights all night.
Headlights?
Uh, "headlights" means,
uh, eyes, Zifka-- eyes.
Well, in that case,
I dedicate this song
to Elaine's headlights.
(sighs)
(singing in native language)
(singing and playing continues)
That was beautiful.
Elaine, in the song, he has
asked you to go dancing with him
in the village by moonlight.
Aw.
Hey, Zif, what you're
really looking forward to
is going dancing?
Yes.
Come on.
I'll take ya dancing.
I know a place. Come on.
Oh! Gee, I just forgot.
I just remembered.
I can't make it.
Elaine, come
here a second.
Oh, take it easy.
Elaine, would you
take Zifka dancing?
Wink. Wink.
Well, I don't...
I-I'd love to,
but, I mean,
Simka, you have
this party planned.
Oh, no, no.
Go ahead.
All I prepared
was a bowl of bread.
Well, here I am
in the same old rut:
going out dancing with a monk.
She's only kidding.
She's a good sport.
Go ahead. Have fun, you two.
(all saying goodbyes)
Thank you.
He's all right.
He's all right.
All right, turn out
the lights. Party's over.
Bye-bye, everybody!
Come back again.
Sure.
Yeah.
We'll be right back. Yeah.
(laughing)
Just a second, Zifka.
I just have to get my keys.
Oh, Elaine, I...
Thank you for a wonderful
evening tonight.
Oh... (laughs)
Oh, I really enjoyed
those clubs and the music.
You know, I just wish
I'd gotten you to dance.
Oh, do you think less of me
because I couldn't?
No, of course not.
I always wanted to,
but I-I never really have.
So, there are all those people
there, you know.
It makes me nervous.
So why didn't you just imagine
that you were dancing
alone with me?
Ah, that's what I was doing
the whole time
I was sitting there.
(chuckles)
Oh, you're good.
Oh, no, no.
¶ Heaven...
(laughs)
¶ I'm in heaven ¶
(laughs)
¶ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ¶
¶ Da-da-da da-da da-da da-da
¶ Da-da da da...
(chuckles)
¶ Da-da da-da da-da
da-da da-da ¶
¶ Oh, I'd love to
go out fishing ¶
¶ In a river or a creek
(phone rings)
¶ But it doesn't thrill me
half as much ¶
I'm busy.
(laughing)
¶ Heaven
¶ I'm in heaven ¶
¶ And my heart beats
so that I can hardly speak... ¶
(Elaine laughing)
¶ And I seem to find
¶ The happiness I seek...
Oh, I always
wanted to do that.
¶ When we're out together ¶
¶ Dancing cheek to cheek
¶ Dance with me
¶ I want my arms about you
(laughing)
¶ All the charms
about you ¶
¶ When we're out together ¶
¶ Dancing cheek to cheek.
How long are you
in town for?
(laughs)
(laughter)
Oh, hi.
Oh. What did you guys
do today?
Oh... oh!
We went
to the Bronx Zoo.
And to the World
Trade Center.
And then...
then we flew a kite
in Central Park,
you know,
and then we went roller-skating
down Fifth Avenue.
Were you singing "I'm a
Pepper, he's a Pepper"?
So how'd you like the
World Trade Center, Zifka?
Oh, it... it was great.
Mm-hmm.
Well, listen, Elaine, uh,
shall I meet you again
same time tonight?
Yes.
Okay.
(knocks on table)
I'm going shopping.
I'm going shopping
to buy a present
for a person, whose
face like an angel,
has made my
visit here
a treasure never
to be forgotten.
Oh, I'm so flattered.
Even hearing you say it
just makes me go crazy.
Oh, Alex.
I-I'll be leaving New York
tonight.
I'm going back
to the monastery, so...
so I'll be...
won't be seeing you again.
So, I just wanted you to know
I'll be praying for you to find
a little bit more happiness.
Oh, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm just reading my newspaper.
Well, it was really nice
meeting you.
Oh, good-bye.
(smooching)
(smooching)
Come early.
(laughing)
He seems to be taking up
a lot of your time, isn't he?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, to tell you the truth,
we're spending every chance
we get together.
Mm-hmm.
He's so much fun, Alex.
You know, he-he finds pleasure
in everything.
He... it's, like,
all a brand-new experience
for him because...
because... because he thinks
that way, you know,
and-and he makes me feel
that way, too.
I mean, things I've seen
and done all my life
suddenly seem wonderful to me
because he thinks they are.
Oh, I'll tell you, this has been
the best week of my life.
Well, that's very nice
for both of you.
Is something wrong?
Well, now that you mention it...
I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,
but you are the worst parent
I've ever seen.
What?!
You were spending
so much time with Zifka,
you forgot about your own son
Jason's birthday party.
Oh, no.
Every year,
I come over and we go
to Coney Island
or something like that?
Yeah.
And I woke up this morning
and I remembered
the birthday
was yesterday, and I...
and those kids really must
have missed their party.
Well, actually, Alex,
we had the party.
You see, and-and Zifka
was there, and we...
we were having such a good time
that I forgot to call you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I was just concerned
that they have a good time.
Oh, yeah.
They like Zifka?
They love him.
Yeah. I can see how
they'd like him.
He's like a Smurf.
(laughs)
Yeah.
Alex...
I love Zifka, too.
(laughs)
Why are you laughing?
"I love Zifka."
I mean, the sound of it.
You can't possibly be serious.
"I love Zifka"--
that's like saying,
"I love Bomba."
"I love Cheetah."
Doesn't he have a last name?
What does his last name matter?
I, uh... I'm telling you,
this is the fullest relationship
I've had in a long time.
Fullest relationship?
Oh, come on, Elaine.
You may not have thought
of this, but...
in a full relationship,
physical compatibility
is very important.
So?
So, he's been celibate
for ten years.
So?
So...
he may find it difficult
to be with a woman.
No problem.
No problem.
Well, that's a relief.
Alex, Zifka's wonderful.
He's... he's physical and
spiritual at the same time.
Please.
And...
and you should see how shy he
gets when I tell him that.
You tell him those things?
Yeah.
Oh, Elaine...
Elaine, this guy comes
from another country.
Don't you know that?
I mean, he might...
he might not understand
that someone in New York...
how they speak
in New York, you know...
people say things very easily
and don't even mean them.
Well, I don't say them easily,
and I certainly mean
every one of them.
Alex, in the purest sense
of the word,
this has been the most
romantic week of my life.
Oh...
(blows raspberry)
Well, obviously, the
romance eludes you.
Oh, wait a minute.
Elaine, Elaine!
You know, I was going
to let you walk out that door
without saying my piece,
but you keep heaping it on.
But at the point
that I realize
that you're toying
with this guy,
then somebody
has to stop you.
Don't tell me I
toyed with him.
I don't toy with monks.
You know, that's a terrible
thing to say to somebody--
that they toyed
with a monk.
Yeah, all-all right.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I...
All right,
maybe I'm wrong.
Elaine, now, come on.
Don't be mad at me!
Ah...
(sighs)
I'm not mad at you.
(sighs)
How could I be mad at you?
(grunts)
You're just jealous
that you have no
love in your life.
(knock at door)
Oh!
Where have you been?
Our last night together.
Time is almost up.
I can't believe it.
I made you vegetarian
lasagna and everything.
Elaine, I got lost.
I took the wrong subway.
We only have a minute,
40 seconds left
before I have
to be silent again.
Oh, there's
so much to do.
I-I-I don't know
what to do first.
Kiss me.
Now, eat some lasagna.
(sighs)
Mmm.
It's good?
Mmm!
Isn't life crazy,
Elaine?
You know, one minute,
you're in New York
kissing a beautiful girl,
and then the next,
back at the abbey
rolling cheese balls.
Oh, it's so frustrating.
Elaine, I was looking forward
to this entire evening
to tell you
of my feelings for you.
Uh... there's
so much to say.
I don't know how
I can say it all now.
Shh.
You don't have
to say anything.
No!
No, I do.
Elaine, you...
you don't know how important
this is to me.
You know, it's not very often
(watch alarm beeping)
that it happens that... when...
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
(sighs)
Can you at least
stick around?
Lots of couples don't
talk to each other.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry; I didn't
mean to make you smile.
This is so frustrating!
Zifka, you're great.
(sighs)
And don't... don't worry
about not being able
to tell me anything.
What we had was so special.
(sighs)
Well, there's no easy way
to do this, huh?
So, here's to us.
Bye, Zifka.
(piano gently playing
"Cheek to Cheek")
(song ends)
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)