Taxi (1978–1983): Season 4, Episode 4 - Jim Joins the Network - full transcript

A network executive, in danger of losing his job, uses Jim and his psychic powers to schedule shows. This arrangement does not sit well with Alex, who chastises Jim for being taken advantage of.

(theme song playing)

Who am I kidding?

I just don't have it in me to be
a good television executive.

I'm... I'm too concerned
about people liking me.

I-I'm too afraid
to get tough.

Janine, when you're against
the wall,

you always come through.

But I've got something
really unpleasant to do,

and I don't think
I can do it.

You'll do it,
because your sense

of responsibility
will make you do it.



And you'll do it great.

JANINE:
I don't think so.

I'm so nervous
about it.

MAN:
Janine, you can do it.

Maybe you're right.

Of course, I'm right.

Okay, here goes.

I'm gonna have
to fire you.

What?

Mitch, if the ratings don't
come up next week, you're fired.

Nothing personal.

No.

Oh, driver,
I'll get out here.

Mitch, thanks.



Oh, you helped me again.

Thanks a million.

You're welcome.

I don't know what
I'm gonna do without you.

Oh, God!

(clears throat)
Ah.

You can't live with 'em,
you can't live without 'em.

You're in television, right?

Oh, yeah.

You look pretty young to
be a network executive.

Well, it's a young man's
profession.

In my business,
you can be burnt out

by the time your skin clears up.

Uh-huh.

You know, I've
always wondered

how the networks decide
what shows to put on.

It's a lot of complex variables.

We-We look at sex,
education, income.

It's-It's very scientific.

Oh, then how come
you took off Star Trek?

What?

That was my
favorite show.

I really miss

Star Trek.

Well, actually,
that wasn't even my network.

But the point is is that...

The only guy I didn't like

was the leader
of the Romulans.

Well, you see...

It wasn't the actor's fault.

It was the script.

They gave him things to say
that no Romulan would ever say.

Right.

Well, I guess you might
as well drive me home now.

I-I live at Central Park West
and 68th...

So...

any, uh, new
shows coming on?

Oh, yeah, sure,
all the time.

For instance, we're trying out
a couple tonight.

Any good?

Well, the first one
is very, very, very good.

We're very excited
about it.

It's-It's a special
one-hour presentation

of Hometown Girl.

That's our most popular
daytime soap opera.

That one's a winner.

Oh, what's the other one?

That one's trouble.

It's musical variety.

Oh, oh, oh.
I love musical variety.

What is it?

The Pittsburgh Steelers
at Marineland.

Oh. Oh.

Would you mind
hearing an opinion?

You've got it backward.

The marine show will win big.

The soap opera
will get clobbered...

everywhere except Chicago.

Were you ever in the business?

No, I-I just have these hunches.

For no reason at all,

I'll suddenly see something
happening in the future,

and it usually comes true.

Yeah, well,
let's-let's make a deal, okay?

You don't tell me
how to program television shows,

and I won't tell you

how to drive a cab, okay?

Okay!
Okay.

(horns honking)

(horns honking loudly)

Why are you heading

into the exit
of the Lincoln Tunnel?

Oh, oh, oh!
Remember our deal.

(tires squealing,
loud honking of horns)

Does anyone happen to know

why there's white powder
all over Louie's cage?

Oh, yeah, I bet
I know what that is.

That's rat poison.

It'll never work.

He brings his own lunch.

No, no.

Louie's convinced that we
have a mouse in the garage,

so I-I bet he dusted
his cage with that stuff.

What's going on
here?

Jim, we're trying to figure out
what this white powder is.

Oh.

No, no, no, Jim!

What?

That could be
rat poison!

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh.

Nope. Flour.

Flour?

Hey! Get away from there!

Don't touch anything!

Oh?

Aha!

What?

Just as I thought.

What? What? What?

My little plan worked.

What does that look
like to you?

A set of tiny
footprints!

(laughs)

And what does that tell you?

You just had a dance lesson?

We got a mouse, Reiger.

A mouse!

He walked
through the powder,

and now he's tracking it
all over the garage.

Well, well.

His little footprints
are gonna lead me right to him.

(laughs)

ALEX:
The American sportsman
in action.

I'm gonna find out
where he's hiding.

Then I'm gonna surround
the place with mousetraps.

As soon as that little sucker
moves a muscle,

Minnie's a widow.

No, wait.

Louie, come on!

Come on, you're not gonna
really set traps, are you?

Traps are so cruel.

Please, I hate to
see even a helpless
little mouse suffer.

LOUIE:
Yeah, and as
soon as that

helpless little mouse
scurries across the floor,

you know who's gonna be

standing on that table,

screeching like a banshee,
don't you?

Maybe I would,

but that still don't mean
you should kill it.

He's back in there.

(mutters)

No. Wait.

Louie?!

No time for love, Nardo.

I'm looking for a mouse here.

Louie, you don't want to have
to spend money on traps, do you?

If you let us catch
the mouse alive,

then not only have we saved
his life,

but we'll save you a couple
of bucks, too.

You always know how
to appeal to my finer
instincts, Nardo.

All right, okay, go ahead.

ELAINE:
Okay.

You try it your way,

but if you guys don't
catch him pretty quick,

little pink-eyes
gets a metal necktie.

Ee-ee-ee!

Hi. Do you
remember me?

I'm the guy
in television.

Oh. Raymond Burr!

No, no, no, I'm not...
I'm not Raymond Burr.

My name is
Mitch Harris.

I'm the television
executive you had in
your cab last night.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, what can I do for you?

I need your help
desperately.

Everything that
you predicted

about last night's
shows came true.

You were even right
about Chicago.

Oh, it's no big deal.

Yes, it is!

What-What you did went against
all conventional wisdom.

Oh, it's just some
kind of crazy knack.

Jim, I have to
ask you a favor.

I want you to come
into my office

and do what you did
last night in the cab.

You know, just-just
tell me your hunches

about television shows.

My job is hanging
by a thread!

I-I'm just asking
for a few hours of your time.

It's been a
long-standing
policy with me

to turn down any executive
offers that came my way.

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

Jim, if you had had this
chance a few years ago,

you could have
saved Star Trek.

Oh.

Star Trek!

Oh.

What do you say, Jim?

Shall we boldly go

where no man has
ever gone before?

Louie,

I need to take the rest
of the afternoon off.

I'm gonna go save television.

MITCH:
See anything
that impresses you so far?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The one where the train
smashed into those cars,

and then the cars
go through the house

and over the cliff.

Oh, you mean Stunt Wife.

Yeah.

Well, you pray for ideas
like that to come along.

Ah, look, Jim,

there's something
that I haven't mentioned yet,

but in case somebody walks in,

I think we're gonna need
an identity for you.

Identity?

Well, to explain
what you're doing here.

You know, I mean,
if people found out

that I was basing my decisions
on your hunches,

it might not sit too well
with the top brass.

Let me see. Who could you be?

No offense,
but you don't really look

like my lawyer
or my accountant.

Oh, I suppose
a periodontist is out.

Shoeshine! Perfect.

I've got a brush and polish
in this top drawer.

If someone walks in
from upstairs,

you came
to shine my shoes.

Okay, Jim?

It would really save a lot
of embarrassment, you know?

Well, okay.

I don't mind.

Terrific!

Okay, now let's take a look
at this schedule.

You see, Tuesday night is always
the biggest problem.

It has been for years.

Excuse me,
Mr. Harris.

Oh, I'm, uh,
just looking
over the schedule

before I shine
his shoes.

Okay, now these are the shows

that we're considering
for Tuesday night, Jim.

(clicking)

MAN (on TV):
What's the matter?

You never seen one
of these before?

(canned laughter)

WOMAN (on TV):
Yeah, but under the bed.

Not on your head.

(canned laughter)

(applause)

Comedy.

Oh, oh, oh.

(laughs)

And here's-here's a game show
that tested very well.

It's kind of
an updated version

of Truth or Consequences
with celebrity contestants.

MAN (on TV):
All right, if you guess right,

you'll move one step closer
to the giant jackpot.

But if you guess wrong,

well, you know what happens
to your celebrity partner.

(laughter)

What's in that big tank
over Paul Lynde's head?

Melted cheese.

(sputters)

This is great!

Yeah, it is--
it is great.

We kind of see it, though,
as a summer replacement.

This is a winner!

I'm sure!

(grunts)

Well, yeah--

the problem would be, I guess,
where to place it.

Maybe Tuesday...

Hold it!
Hold it!

Uh, hunch, hunch.

Friday!

Friday?

Uh...

well, maybe Friday at 8:00?

Uh, 9:00!

9:00?

At 9:00 on Friday

the competition has
a new James Bond movie

and Brooke Shields Turns 17.

You want to put a game show
on opposite that?

I'm just tellin' you my hunch.

I've got a crazy feeling
it could win there.

9:00 on Friday?

(mutters):
Don't-don't talk.

I can't believe

that I'm letting a cabdriver
off the street

do my job for me.

Hey, don't feel bad.

If you could do your
job, you would!

Okay, I've got
the mousetrap.

Jason finished it
this morning.

Wow!

That's an impressive little
device your son cooked up.

Yeah, it looks slick.

But I don't think it's
gonna work.

I mean, no mouse is
gonna be dumb enough

to walk right
up in here

and get himself caught.

Don't get encouraged, Nardo.

Just because Banta fell for it,
doesn't mean a mouse will.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Yeah, just a minute.

Jim, telephone.

It's right there in your hand.

Jim!

Huh?

It's a phone call for you!

The guy at the network.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Mitch, how's it goin'?

We did?

Wow, that's terrific!

You're welcome.

If you can't tell me
how happy you are,

why did you call?

(mumbling)

Okay, yeah.

I'll-I'll drop by later
this afternoon.

Okay.

(sighs)

Jim, what happened?
Tell us.

The network won Friday night
in the ratings

for the first time
in two years.

ELAINE:
Oh, that's wonderful.

TONY:
I can't believe it.

You're kidding me!

Oh, do you know
what this means?

This means you're gonna be
a big shot at the network.

I mean, you're gonna have an
office and an expense account.

This is your ticket
outta here, Jim.

Oh, they must be paying you
a fortune.
Ooh!

Uh, well, "fortune" is
a relative term.

Well, how much are
they paying you?

Nothing.

But what are they
doing for you?

Nothing.

Uh, as a matter of fact,

they treat me like
a shoeshine boy.

Why?

Well, it's probably
my own fault.

While I'm there,
I shine the guy's shoes.

Jim, this is ridiculous.

You're being taken advantage of.

That guy's gonna get
all the credit

and you're not gonna get
any recognition at all.

Hey, it's thanks enough to me

that he's walking around
with a nice shine on his shoes.

Every time he
gets a compliment
on his shoes,

it reflects on me.
Jim!

I'm not talkin'
about shoes!

God, sometimes
you can infuriate me,

you know that?

ELAINE:
Oh, wait a minute,
Alex.

What are you getting
so upset about?

It's not his fault.

Yes, it is his
fault, Elaine.

Some people in this world
make themselves victims,
and Jim is one of them.

People who invite other people
to walk all over them.

He's letting that guy
walk all over him.

Wait a minute, Alex.

What can I do?

How can I change?
Help me.

Jim, there's only
one person--

there's only one person in this
life that can help you.

There's only one person
you can trust.

I do trust you, Alex.

Not me, damn it!

Jim, when do you finally stand
up and assert yourself?

August.

August?!

Wrong answer.
You say when.

Now, Jim, now!

Start standing up for
yourself right now!

You have dignity and value
as a human being

and it's high time that that
Mitch person knew it.

Dignity?
Yes!

Value?
That's right.

Thank you, Alex.

This little conversation has
been an eye-opener for me.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go have a little talk

with that old buddy of mine,
Mitch.
Good!

About a little thing
called human dignity.

Attaboy, Jim.

(grunts)

Hi, Jim.

Don't give me that.

I've got a little news
for you, Mitch.

I'm not gonna be shining
shoes anymore.

And not just because
I'm outta black.

It's more than just that.

It's a lot more.

It's got to do with a little
thing called human dignity.

You ever heard of that, Mitch?

I've been doing your
work for you.

You've been taking
all the credit.

Jim, you're right.

The only explanation I can give
you is that I was afraid.

I was afraid that if
they found out,

I'd-I'd lose my job.

And I know that's
no excuse,

Jim, but I wasn't just
thinking of myself.

I was thinking of them.

You know them?

Yes, Jim.

These are my children,

Arlene, Bennet
and Dorothy.

Boy,

I bet they say some
cute things.

They do.
Like what?

Well, I can't think of
anything now...

Well, I'll take
your word for it.

You know, maybe it would
be good for them.

Maybe it'd be good
for all of us

to cut back a little bit,
not have it so soft.

Oh, that would be terrible.

Bennet's gonna
need braces.

No, no...

don't-don't try to talk
me out of it, Jim.

My mind's made up.

Mitch, they're having a victory
party down the hall.

Everybody's asking
for you, so come on.

No, no, Janine,
come in, please.

I have something
to tell you.

I had nothing to do
with the schedule.

That man is the one
who did it all.

Jim, here, is
a programming genius.

Well, I guess the cat's
outta the bag.

Mitch, they're waiting
for us at the party.

I can't go

up there and take credit
for something that he did.

Oh, Mitch,
all of us here

are always asking
people's opinions

about television.

All our friends,
our lovers,

the man on the street,

even the shoeshine boy.

I've gotten advice,
darn good advice,

from my hairdresser.

My nephews picked
our 6:00 news team.

Now, what does it matter
in the final analysis

how we arrived at
those choices?

The point is

we made the final decisions

and we stuck to them.

Now I'm going to that party.

The champagne's getting warm.

It was nice meeting you.

I'll see you at the party,
Mitch.

Yeah, I'll-I'll see you
at the party.

JIM:
I love

champagne.
Jim!

Uh... Jim!

And-and do they
have shrimp?
Jim? Jim...

Those-- I love those
big shrimp.
Right.

Yeah, Jim, you know,
and I'd-I'd love

to invite you
to the party,

but I-I think it would be
a little bit awkward

having you there.

You understand?

Uh... yeah...

You sure?
I guess so.

Sure.

But-but listen,

first thing Monday morning
I'm gonna talk to someone

about getting you an
office and a salary.

No, no, no, no, I...

I can't accept any money.

I just wouldn't feel right.

My ability to see glimpses of
the future is a gift from God

and I refuse to abuse it

or taint it

by using it for financial gain.

Well, Jim, if that's
how you feel...

Uh, you can pay me
for the shoe shine.

How much do I owe you?

$150,000.

(bells ringing)

Aha!

Uh-huh!

At last we meet!

Uh-huh!

What to do, what to do...

I could flush you.

Send you bodysurfing
down the tubes.

A little sewer snack
for some alligator.

I could leave you in this jar

for another 15 minutes.

(mimics gasping)

Just my luck you're a baby.

All right,

I'll give ya a fair chance.

Heads, I set you free.

Tails, you're a dead mouse.

Ready?

Huh? Huh?

Here, look here.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Tails!

Surf's up!

Nah, I was only kiddin'.

It's heads.

Look, look.

All right, all right,
get outta here.

Go on.

Get outta my garage.

Go on, go on.

(laughs)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)