Taxi (1978–1983): Season 4, Episode 3 - Mr. Personalities - full transcript

(theme song playing)

¶

I don't know, Alex.

I think I should be doing
something better with my life.

You know, I've been thinking
about going to college.

Really?

Hey, that's great, Tony, I'm
glad to hear you talk like that.

I only wish I knew
how to go about it.

Well, you find a college,
you get an application,

you make it out and send it in.

Yeah, boy,



nothing worthwhile
comes easy, does it?

Come on, let's get out of here,
let's settle up.

What does this
come to?
Well, let's see,

we had two pitchers of
beer at 3.65 a pitcher.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Uh...

3.65, three-sixty...

Thank you.

Uh...

three-sixty-five

times two,

carry the seven.

Um, they don't ask
this kind of stuff



on college applications,
do they?

Tony,

you're making this
far too difficult.

There's a simple
and easy way

to figure this out.

Tommy?

What do we owe you?

Seven dollars and thirty cents.

Sure, you went
to college.

Thanks.
Hey, guys.

Hey, Elaine.

Well, I finally
did it.

I made an appointment
with my psychiatrist

for this afternoon
for Latka.

Psychiatrist?
Mm-hmm.

You don't think it's really
that serious, do you?

Serious?

Come on, the man changes
personalities every day.

I know, but he's
harmless, isn't he?

Yeah, besides,

one of his personalities
is a friend of mine.

And another one
owes me 50 bucks.

(phone ringing)

Guys, I think Latka should see
Dr. Jeffries.

Come on, no one can help him
but us.

What time are we leaving?

Elaine, it's a phone call
for you.

It's your babysitter.

Oh, okay.
TOMMY:
Take it in the back.

Wait, what...?
As soon as I finish this.

Come on, Alex, maybe this guy
can help Latka.

Aw.
Come on,

don't you believe
in psychiatrists?

Tony, I really don't have any
opinion about psychiatrists,

because I've never been to one.

I've never really felt
I had to go to one.

I believe you can get through
life by common sense, coping,

and taking 30 showers a day.

Oh, you know something?

Those children of mine
are gonna kill each other

one of these days.

Jason put Jennifer's Pokey doll
in the microwave.

Oh.

Oh.
And she found it.

Now she's got to live
with that nightmare.

Elaine, I don't want to
seem unsympathetic
to your problems,

but don't we have to get
to an appointment?

Oh, oh, Alex,
about that, uh,

I promised Jennifer
I'd go home.

Hmm?
Pokey's funeral is
this afternoon.

Elaine!

You're kidding-- you're
indulging that kid!

Pokey is a...

Was Alex, was.

Forgive me.

Pokey was a rubber toy.

With feelings and emotions
like any other rubber toy.

What am I saying?

Look, why don't I

just give you
Dr. Jeffries's address,

and then you can...
No, no wait,
Elaine,

I just promised...
Come on, Alex, come on, do this.

Do this favor and I'll owe you
a big favor.

I'll see you.
Bye, Tony.
Oh...

now I'm stuck with this thing.

I have to take Latka
to a psychiatrist.

So he hasn't been
acting like himself
lately-- big deal.

Big deal.

All right, I'll
take him.

I'm telling you Tony, Elaine is
making much too much of this.

Are you finished, Arlo?

Finished?

Uh, partner, I'm
as finished

as a white suit
on a sissy

who's been wrestling a
half-breed in pig slop.

On the other hand, Elaine
may have a point there.

¶

Congratulate me.

This is my last
cigarette.

Is, uh, toward you
masculine

and away from me
feminine?

I can never remember.

Mmm.

Would you like to know
how I quit?

Why?

(stammering)

I just said to myself,

I'm gonna do it all today.

You know, the first day

of the rest of your life
kind of thing.

From now on,
it's no more cigarettes,

no more promiscuity.

No more Doris Marie Winslow
giving her phone number

when it's listed
anyway.

You know
I don't miss it.

I thought this was
gonna be tough.

My taste buds are returning.

I admire your
willpower.

Hello?

Where am I?

What-- why am I dressed
like the poop-kicker?

Latka, is that you?

Of course it is.

Dr. Jeffries will be ready
for you in a minute.

Thank you.
Dr. Jeffries?

Is somebody sick?

He's a psychiatrist.

Uh, remember, we made
an appointment?

Oh, why do I need
a psychiatrist?

Well, for, uh,
for openers,

there's this split
personality thing.

Oh, no, no, that was
just a joke.

Joke?
Joke, yeah,
take a joke.

You mean you were
just kidding?

Yeah, just telling
a joke.
Oh, really?

Yeah.
Uh-huh.

You mean, you Latka, were just
pretending to be Arlo?

Only pretend, yes.
Oh, really.

Why don't you
just show me?

Show you?
Yeah, prove it,
please.

Prove it?
Yeah.

Okay.
Go ahead,
right now.

Prove it to you?
Yeah.

All right, buckaroo.

There is not room enough
in this town

for the-the-the...
the both of us.

There is no room.

(grunting)

Wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

This gets better.

We both-both going to have to go
to the other town.

No, Latka, no.

No good?
No.

Come on, Latka.

All right.

Dr. Jeffries will see you now.

Thank you.
Oh, no,

he will see my dust.

No, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

Look, Elaine thinks this is
important, and maybe it is.

Latka, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

I mean, you-you have
a stomachache,

you go to a doctor,
right?
Yeah.

You have a toothache,
you go to a dentist.

You have primary and
secondary ego diffusion,

you go to a psychiatrist.

Look, Latka, you're here
right now, okay?

Just-just talk
to the man.

All right.

You know, I'm glad
you are my friend, Alex.

I'm glad you are here
with me.
Latka,

there's nothing I
wouldn't do for you.

Oh, good!

Then I'm going
to need someone

to cut these pants off.

(sobbing)

And I-I have never felt
so emotional in my life.

I cry and I cry
every time I think about them.

Latka, I think we were all moved

when Prince Charles
kissed Lady Di,

but, uh, perhaps we ought to,
you know,

take this time
to talk about you.

Oh no, go on,

I don't want to seem
like a bore.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'd-I'd just--
I'd be--

I'd be fascinated.

Why don't you tell me

what it was like growing
up in your country?

Well, it was--

it was a full childhood.

We had-- we had the wood,

we had the bucket,
we had the chair.

Then when I was eight,
my father got a raise,

so we moved someplace indoors.

Boy, I'm glad I got that
off my chest.

You're good.

Were you happy
as a child?

What's not to be happy?

We had the wood, we had the
bucket, we had the chair,

and we had the mother
who forced me to--

oh, hello!

This might be something.

Yes, Latka, yes, go on.

Oh, no, no, it is nothing.

This is okay, Latka.

If you don't feel like talking,
you don't have to.

But the more you talk,
the more I can help you.

(as Vic Ferrari):
Okay, what do you want
to talk about?

I love talking to shrinks.

Uh, we-we haven't met, have we?

Vic, Vic Ferrari.

Whoa!

Somebody blew a bundle
at the Dodge City Sears.

(laughs)

Vic, uh...

I'm-I'm Dr. Jeffries,
Latka's psychiatrist.

Oh, really, eh?

What is this, the "I'm okay,
you're okay" corral?

Book this boy on Merv.

Vic, it was great seeing you.

But, uh, now I'd like
to talk to Latka.

Oh, Latka Gravas?
Yes.

Hey, he's a cute little guy,
but between you and me, Doc, uh,

he's all oatmeal north of the
eyebrows, you know what I mean?

But, uh, if you want him,
you got him.

(as Latka):
Why are you writing so fast?

Huh?

Uh, Latka?

Yes?
I just met Vic.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have some messages
for him.

Latka, uh, you had the wood,

you had the bucket,
you had the chair,

and you had the mother who--
who what?

Latka, I think you
want to tell me.

Well...

she forced me to spend the
summers with my Uncle Bobka.

Listen, would--

is it possible for me to speak
with Uncle Bobka?

Well, you can try,
but you have to talk loud.

You see, they buried him
12 years ago.

Well, uh, could you tell me

what, uh, uh,
Uncle Bobka was like?

Oh sure, I can do that.

I show you.

(clears throat)

He would say to me,

(in deep voice):
"Don't be such
a crybaby, Latka.

"I will make a man
of you.

"Come with me.

I will put hair on your yanick."

Then he would take me
down to the river

and pretend
to throw me in.

(as young Latka):
"But I don't know how to swim,
Uncle Bobka."

(in deep voice):
"Oh, come on,

everybody knows how to swim
if they have to."

Then, he would
throw me up in the air

and catch me at the last minute.

You see, he had no children
of his own to destroy.

Every night
I would lie in bed

awake and I would wish
I was never been born.

Yeah,

what a terrible time
you must have had.

Well, not so bad.

Some children never
get to see their uncles.

Latka, this, you know,

this has been
a remarkable session.

Thank you very much.

But, uh, now, I'd, uh,

I'd like to see
Alex Reiger, please.

Okay.

Could you send, uh,
Alex Reiger in, please?

(as ALEX):
Hi, Doc, Alex Reiger.

Pleased to meet you.

Excuse me.

You're, you're Alex Reiger?

That's right,
I'm a cab driver
and I don't mind.

Well, Alex, uh,
you know it's...

...good meeting you.

But I was just talking
to Latka and I'd,

I'd really like
to see him again.

Well, uh, I'd like
to oblige, Doc,

but I'm afraid
that's impossible.

You see, Latka's gone.

He's gone?

I see. Oh...

Could I see Vic?

Arlo?

Anybody?

Doctor Jeffries?
Yes, yes, come in.

Uh, could you excuse us
a minute?

I, uh...

I, uh...

I'd like to have a word
alone with your friend.

Sure, Doc.
I'll be waiting outside.

Excuse me.

Certainly.

Doctor, excuse me.

Who does he remind me of?

Sit down.

Uh, first of all, Mr. Reiger.

Who was that guy?

I just want to set your
mind at ease that,

uh, Latka, Mr. Gravas,
is in no danger.

It wasn't Arlo.

It wasn't Vic.
And, uh...

Who was he?

Yeah, he'll, he'll be okay.

Just as long as he has
all his friends

around him to give him support,

as long as he--
Fine.

But who is he?

Alex... he's you.

Hi, Alex.
Hi, Tony.

Alex, I'm worried.

I got to take my college
aptitude test next week.

In my high school, they
didn't even teach aptitude.

Well, Tony, not everybody
should go to college.

That's what it said under
my picture in the yearbook.

It's so tough.

You know, when
I was in the ring,

I knew that's
what I wanted to be.

Now, I don't know what I'm
going to do with my life.

Wait a minute, Tony.

If you miss boxing so much,

have you ever
considered being a ref?

...eree?

Yeah, you remember
the referee.

He was the one in the ring

who wasn't
beating you senseless.

(laughing)

A ref, huh, Alex?
Yeah.

You know, I like that idea.

I'm gonna think about that.

Thank you.

A ref...

(AS ALEX):
Here you go, Lou.
Ooh.

Ooh!

Another lollapaloosa night

for Reiger number two!

I kiss the day you went
off your nut, Alex.

Hey, Lou, uh, what do you
think of the human race?

I'd like an outsider's opinion.

Funnier than you.

A buck and a half
for your thoughts.

Inflation.

Ah, it's nothing.

I had a little problem,
I got it all solved.

I'm going to be a referee.

Sure you want to be a referee?

I don't know, I mean,

the money ain't that great
and fans hate them.

Oh, why do you want
to be a referee?

I don't know.

Somebody thought it
was a good idea.

Sounds like terrible
advice to me.

Me, too.

A referee?

I thought it was a good idea.

Oh, hey, Alex?

Yeah?

Uh, no, no, no,
not you, Alex, this Alex.

Oh, right.
Oh, but that reminds me.

Alex?
Yeah?

Uh, no, no, no,
not you, Alex,

this Alex.
Oh, right.

That advice you gave me
worked out beautifully.

I kept Jason and Jennifer
apart until they begged me

to let them play
with each other again.

Well, I'm just glad
it worked out.

Thanks.

They're making you a card
for your refrigerator.

Now, Alex, guess what?

I have two tickets to see
Lena Horne tonight.

You want to go?

Uh, oh, no, I'm sorry Elaine,

I, uh, I'm going to
the hockey game tonight.

Sorry, I can't make it.

Oh, that's okay.

I-I can find somebody else.

Um...

I have two tickets
for Lena Horne tonight.

Would you like to go?

Sure, great.

I got tickets to
the hockey game,

but I'll just give
them to some kid.

I should have done that.

Okay, Alex, then it's a date.

Uh, take your ticket 'cause I
have to meet you there, okay?

All right.
Okay.

Thank you.

Elaine, Elaine!

You just made a
date with Latka!

Uh, yeah, I guess I did, huh?

I don't believe this!

I don't believe that
you're not more concerned.

You were the one that
got him to go to see

a psychiatrist because
you were so upset.

Yeah, I know, I, I did.

You know, it's kind of strange,

but, now that he's you,
somehow it seems okay.

Wait a minute!

Are you making a case
for multiple personality now?

You know, you're getting
awfully emotional about this.

You're damn right I am!

How would you like someone
living your life?

And having more fun at it?

I mean, I might
not have been much,

but at least I was
the only one being me.

How come he's smarter than I am?

How come he's booking
more money than I am?

How come he's, uh...

More fun.

Thank you. More fun.

Maybe I should be the
one giving up being me!

You seem upset about
something, Alex.

Yes, I am!

You know, I'm on my way
to see Dr. Jeffries now

and he's helped me a lot.

Maybe he'll help you, too.
Oh?

Would you like to come
and talk to him?

Would I like to come...

(stammering):
Yes, right now.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Jim.
Hi, Jim.

Where are they going?

To see their psychiatrist.

Boy, what do you think
the odds are

of two guys
having the same name,

in the same garage,

going to see
the same psychiatrist

at the same time?

Gotta be three to one.

Dr. Jeffries,

you've been seeing
Latka for a month now

and I'm getting worried
about his health.

Oh, I don't think there's

any need to worry
about his condition.

Well, I do.

I'm going to strangle that guy.

Now, how long is this
going to last?

Well, from what I know about it,

I'm surprised
it's gone on this long.

But this is a fascinating case.

(chuckling):
I'm a lucky guy.

Hey,

maybe you can help.

Hmm?
Yes.

Would you mind,

would you mind staying
through his session?

All right.

Uh, Mr. Reiger?

Would you step in now please?

Would you mind sharing
this session with him?

Not at all.

Don't hog the therapy.

Well, Alex, what's it
been like this week?

Well, Doc,

I've been thinking
about my life a lot.

Where does Alex Reiger
go from here?

I mean, uh, I don't
want to crab

uh, we're here,
we take a shot.

But when you
examine my life,

I had a bad marriage, my
wife was cheating on me.

Which was probably my fault,

I mean, I should have
caught her sooner.

My daughter's grown, and, uh,

we're not as close as I'd like.

She does seem grateful,

but, uh, I think
that's primarily

for not inheriting my nose.

Are you self-conscious
about your nose?

No!
Well, I sure am!

I got a honker here
that won't quit!

I mean, who are we kidding?

But forget about how
I screwed up things right now.

I was thinking just
the other night,

I got a mediocre job
which I do very well.

Yeah.

But it doesn't stimulate me.
That's right.

I like my friends, but the
nature of the relationship

seems to be that I'm some
kind of authority figure.

Right.

I listen to their problems

and I'm not supposed
to have any!

Yeah!

I take pride in accepting
things the way they are,

but I just realized that
maybe that's because, uh,

it's an excuse for not
having any ambition.

(whistles)

I'm starting to realize

that my love for life
is unrequited.

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, he's pouring out
my heart here.

So, I was really down

till suddenly it came to me.

The exact thing
that I should do

to put my whole life in order!

What's that?

And I feel like
a million bucks!

What?

And you know what it is?

What?

It's so damn simple!

What, what, what, what, what?

The answer to it all is...

What?!
What, what?!

(as LATKA):
So, we had the bucket,
we had the wood...

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

What was it? What?!

(babbling)
No!

Mr. Reiger.
He almost had it,

you heard him,
he almost had it!

What? What's simple?

Alex, you're squeezing me.

Huh? Oh.

Thank you very much.

What is this?

Ooh, could I please go now?

I think I have a good
seat to see Lena Horne.

Yeah.

I think we've accomplished
a lot in one day.

Yeah, must've been placed
here by a "put-pocket."

Bye-bye.

Thanks, Alex.

Good seeing you again.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

It was good seeing you, too.

Doctor, since there is time
left in the session...

Have a seat.

(as LATKA):
Thank you very much.

WOMAN:
Good night,
Mr. Walters!

(grumbling)