Taxi (1978–1983): Season 4, Episode 22 - Cooking for Two - full transcript

After Reverend Jim's building gets knocked down he moves in with Louie; unfortunately for Louie he asks Jim to cook something for dinner.

(theme song playing)

MAN (on TV):
Mrs. Carson, I don't think
we have a lot of time.

WOMAN (crying):
No. No, Val, no. Please.

Please don't go, Val.

(enormous thud)

(indistinct conversation on TV)

(enormous thud)

(debris falling)

(enormous thud)

(vehicles passing)

Jim!



Hey, hey, Jim, what
in the world happened?

Well, did you ever have one
of those mornings?

You know,

the kind when a big steel ball

comes crashing
through your apartment?

You mean a
wrecking ball?

Yeah, yeah, I'll say.

It demolished the place.

They tore down your building
without even warning you?

Well,

you put up
with a few inconveniences

when you live
in a condemned building.

ALEX:
Hey, Jim,

you look exhausted.



Why don't you go someplace
and get some sleep?

Ah, good idea, Alex.

Good night, Alex.

LOUIE:
Forget it, Iggy.

You can't stay here.

What-what kind of a guy are you?
LOUIE:
No way!

No way! No way!
The guy wants
some rest.

Come on, boss, help me out!

He can't sleep in the garage.

Oh. Oh, great, great.
Boy, you...

You-you want it
from him, huh?

He's the last person in the
world that'd help you out.

I don't want him
staying here.

Let him stay
at your apartment, Reiger.

Yeah.

Well, what are friends for?

Yeah.

(laughs)

Why not?

Why not let him
stay with you?

Or you?

Or you?

LOUIE:
Or you?

Well, now, you're a
great bunch of pals.

ALEX:
One of us would
love to have him.

Yeah.
LOUIE:
Oh.

Wouldn't
one of us?

Yeah.
To have him?

Sure, one
of us would.

So, who's it gonna be?

(wry chuckle)

Hey, Iggy, you'd be
a good guest, wouldn't you?

Well, sometimes I leave the cap
off the toothpaste.

Oh.

I forget to wipe my feet,

and I usually scream

for several hours
in my sleep.

I don't mind a little screaming

in the middle
of the night. Do you?

What else are friends for?

So... who's taking Iggy home?

Well, I,
you know...

Well, um...

You-you want
to draw lots?

ALEX:
No. No, no, no, no.

That's not
the problem.

That's not the
problem, Jim.

The problem is, we'd
all love to have you.

Yeah.
That's right,
all of us.
That's the problem

Well, look, let me
make it easy for you.

Iggy, if you had
your choice...
Uh-huh.

...of all your friends,

which one would you like
to stay with?

JIM (sighing):
Uh...

promise there won't
be any hurt feelings

if I pick my
best buddy?

Oy...

Oh, that sounds fair.

That couldn't
be fairer.
Yeah.

Then it's settled.

I'll be the
perfect guest.

It's you, boss.

(funny groan)

Well, that sounds
like a good choice.

Yeah.
(Louie grumbling)

TONY:
See you, Louie.
Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Wait.
See you
later now.

See you, guys.

Thanks for bailing
me out, boss.

Hey, dirt face,
I'm not your best friend.

Oh, yes,
you are.
No.

Look who just came
through for me.

No, no, no, no, no.

If we didn't live
in a society

that got hung up
on the fear

of members of
the same sex

sharing mutual
affection for
each other,

I'd kiss you full
on the mouth.

Yuck!

Apparently, the thought
makes you uncomfortable.

Well, let's forget
it and go home.
No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, come on,
come on.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Relax. Come on.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.
Come on.

Hey, get your
hands off of me!

Okay.
Get out!

How's married life, Latka?

Oh, it's fine.

I like it very much.

I like the frequent sex, and

Simka is a very good cook.

She wants me to...

to ask you all you can come
to dinner on June 15?

Why June 15?

Okay, well,
how about tonight?

(Louie grunts)

It wasn't so bad.

We played pool.

We went to sleep.

He screamed.

We went back to sleep.

Uh, what's
going on?

Oh, nothing much.

Latka invited everybody
to his house for dinner tonight

with him and his wife.

Oh, boy.

Latka's in really good
spirits lately, ain't he?

Yeah, he sure
looks happy.

(Jeff chuckles)
(whistling)

You know, I don't,
uh, feel out of line

saying this, uh,
Jeff, because,

uh, well, we-we,
uh, you know,

we worked side by side,
you know, for a long time.

You become
pretty close?

Yeah.
Pals?

Um, I think, uh,
you ought to think

about getting married
and settling down.

I am married, Louie.

Well, hey,
congratulations!

When did this happen?

About 11 years ago.

Congratulations again.

And, uh, uh... and, uh,

pass that along
to missus, uh...

Bennett. My last name
is Bennett, Louie.

I knew that. I knew that.

Phew!

Hey, Alex, it's for you.

Who is it?
I don't know.

The guy's screaming and sobbing
so loud, I can't tell.

Hello?

No, no, no, come on.

Come on, Jim.
Nothing could be that bad.

What is it?

No. Just-just tell me
what happened.

Ji... Jim, you're
at Louie's, right?

All-all right,
I'll, I'll be right there.

(knocking)

Who is it?

It's me, Alex.

Oh!

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Ji...

Oh, my God!

Then it's noticeable!

I knew it!

Jim! Jim! Jim!

What the hell happened here?

Well, it's
the old story.

I was smoking in bed.

And you fell asleep?

No. I didn't
notice the flames

consuming the apartment.

Jim!

I left something
burning on the stove.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God in heaven,
look at this place!

Oh, I-I don't...

What do you think
is gonna happen, Alex?

Do you think
Louie's gonna be upset?

The question is, is whether
he'll kill you or not.
Oh...

Holy mackerel!

Everything Louie owns
has been destroyed!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

That's not true.

I'll fix it up.

I'll work hard.

You'll help me.
Huh?

There's a lot
we can do in a few hours.

What are you
talking about?

Uh, some paint,
uh, some wallpaper,

a few flowers
discreetly placed about.

Jim.

It's gonna be okay.

Yeah, well,
all-all right.
Right, Alex?

Alex, isn't it
gonna be okay?
Yeah, yeah, okay.

Right, Alex,
tell me it's gonna be fine.

No, no, no, no. Jim,
Jim, calm down, calm down.

Isn't it gonna be okay,
Alex?
Calm down, calm down.

Alex, please,
is it gonna be okay?
Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim...

Alex.
Calm... calm... calm...

calm... Now,
don't panic.

You hear me?

Don't panic!

You're right, Alex.

The thing to do

is to calm down

and rationally
assess the situation.

Everything's gonna be okay.

(screaming)

No, no, Jim, Jim,
Jim, please. Jim.

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

(man whistling)

JIM:
I think I hear him coming.

(whistling continues)

Oh, my God.

(door opening)
LOUIE:
Oh, Iggy, I'm home!

What are you cooking?

(groans)

Uh...

Uh, boss...

(clears throat)

...I owe you an apology.

Just keep in mind

that material

possessions
are simply excess baggage

on the journey of life.

Everything I own
is destroyed!

(hollow note plays)

(clack)

Louie, Louie, Louie,
Jim had a horrible accident.

I mean, I-I know
it's a terrible loss for you,

but, uh, thank God
nobody was hurt.

What?

Thank God
nobody was hurt?

Thank God
that this man

who just destroyed
everything I ever owned...

No, no, no, no, no...

...in my life was not killed!
Was not killed!
Louie! Louie!

Was not killed.
Not everything
was destroyed, boss.

Not everything.

Louie...

(growling)

I saved your most
prized possession.

See, boss?

Your beloved violin.

JIM:
The only irreplaceable thing
in your life.

I risked my life...

...to see that
it wasn't hurt.

My violin.

He treasures that more
than anything in the world.

Good thing I didn't
save the piano.

Look what you've done!

My apartment...

my life-- everything's gone.

My bumper pool table!

(crying):
My... my rug.

My TV.

(switch clicks)

(switch clicks)

My Time Life books
on the great lizards.

Ma's needlepoint pillow.

(crying)

LOUIE:
Oh...

My photographs.

My piano, my-my photographs,

my TV, my books.

My-my bumper pool set
is destroyed!

Not all of it, boss.

These two pool balls
are okay.

Don't cry, boss.

Please, don't cry.

Here.

(screams)
Oh!

Out!

Get out! Out! Get out!

I never want to see your face
again.
Boss...

You're fired!

You're fired!

Hey, Lou, Lou...

I mean, Lord knows,
this is a terrible...

You get out, too!

Hey, Louie...
Out, out, out, out, out!

I can't believe this happened.

Louie, Louie...

Leave me alone!



Boss...

...I feel terrible
about what happened.

I came here to give you this.

Nothing is gonna
change my mind.

Nothing, you
understand?

Now get out of here!

Guess I'll go and get my things.

Boy...

I'm really gonna miss
this place.

It was wonderful
working with you guys.

Okay, Jim.

Hey, Jim...
Huh?

We'll try to find something
for you, you know,

like a-a another job or, uh...
TONY:
Yeah.

Well... nah.

It's back in the
streets for me.

Don't you see?

I was a success here
not because of the job,

but because of that
man over there.

He yelled at me.

He abused me,

but he made me work!

Where else am I gonna
find a guy like Louie?

Try Amityville.

Louie, aren't you even
gonna look at this?

No!

JIM:
If you won't read it,

at least let Alex
read it to you.

If it touches you, good.

If it doesn't,
not another word.

I'll just disappear.

"Dear Boss"...

(harmonica playing)

"Dear Boss.

"I always...

"I always swore I'd never
ask my father for money,

"even though he has a lot...

"...but I hoped in some way,

"money might make up
for your loss.

"So, even if you
never forgive me,

"I hope you'll accept
the enclosed check.

"With all best wishes for you,

"dictated but not read,
James Ignatowski."

Hey, look at this,
there's a check...

Hey, Jim, I don't want
to criticize your old man,

but what good
is this check?

I mean, he signed it, but he
forgot to fill in the amount.

A blank check?

(thump)

Let me see that!

You can't give a blank
check to Louie!
Give me that.

That's okay, Elaine.

Dad said Louie

could make it out
for whatever amount

he thought was fair.

I told dad he could trust
your sense of honor.

That he can.

Would you believe it?

I'm salivating.

Ha, I'm actually salivating.

Boss?
Yeah.

Does that mean
you forgive me?

I forgive you, Iggy.

Can I have
my job back?

You can have
your job back.

Does it mean
you love me again?

I didn't love you before.

It's like old times.

Boss, you just
make out that check

for whatever
amount you want.

Except...

Except? What except?

How come except?

Except that I have
to call my dad,

and tell him the amount
so he can cover it.

Mmm.

Yeah.

All right.

Ah, now I want complete silence

while I figure out...

the amount.

(growling)

(growling)

Jim! Are you crazy?

He's gonna fill that out
for a million dollars!

That's why you're a cabdriver,
Reiger.

If I fill this check out
for a million bucks,

his dad would never cover it.

But there is
a figure,

an exact figure,

one that's big enough

so that he'll go...

(shudders)

...but not so big
that he won't say, "Well!"

Why don't you try
the real figure,
$8,000 or $9,000?

(laughs hysterically)

ELAINE:
Look at him.

Eight or nine,
eight or nine...

Jim, why are
you laughing?

'Cause the boss
is so happy.

Yeah, yeah!

Let's see what we got here,
Iggy.

Come on.

(mumbling)

All right.

All right, now.

$50,000.

No, no, no,

that's too high,
that's too high.

He'll never go
for that. Never.

40... 48.

If I say 48,
he'll think 50,

and he won't
go for it.
Uh-huh.

If I say 47,

he'll think 48,
he'll think 50,

he won't go for it.

If I say 46,
he'll think 47,

he'll think 48,
he'll think 50,

he won't go for it.

If I say 45,

he'll say 46...
Louie!

So, we rule
out the 40s.

39,999.

No!

It's no good! It's too high.

He'll go nuts.

He won't pay it.

All right.

Now, let's see.

$24,000.

$8,000.

In there,

somewhere in there,

24... eight.

You know, in its own way,
this is kind of spellbinding.

All right, $20,000...

20,000...

$26,000.

Oh, wait a minute!

14,000!

And here,

24.

Wait!

27,000!

27,000, that's it!

Call your father.

$27,000. That's it!

TONY:
Are you sure, Louie?

I-I gotta see it on paper.

$27,000.

What's that look like to you,
Banta?

I've never seen
that much money
in one place before.

It's too much.

He'll never pay that.
Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait.

24,000...

23,000...

22,000...

20...

20...

27,000! 27!

It's what I said
the first time! 27.

Tell him 27.

27,000.

29,000.

29,000.

540.

540.

That's right.

Twenty-nine thousand...

five hundred
and forty.

Two!
Two!

Uh, twenty-nine thousand
five hundred

and forty-two.

Okeydoke.

Bye, Dad.

Uh, Dad, I love you.

(phone clicks)

Hello?

Hello?

Huh? Did he okay it?

He sure did, boss.
He okayed it!

He okayed it!
Congratulations!

He okayed it!

Let's have three cheers
for the human torch!

(three puffs)

Phew!

Boy, dad was relieved!

He said he was afraid

it was gonna be something
like $200,000.

(grunts)

Look at him.

He's overcome with emotion,

just like I am.

Damn it!

That kiss is gonna happen
sometimes, and you know it.

Get over here.

Come on, come on.

Come on,
come on.

Come on.
(mumbles) ...2,000.

Let the world talk.

Come on.

Get away from me!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)