Taxi (1978–1983): Season 4, Episode 17 - Take My Ex-Wife, Please - full transcript

(theme song playing)

TONY:
Alex, take a look at this.

I have a date with the girl
in the suntan oil ad.

Her name is Randi.
Oh...

She's agreed to
go out with me,

but she wants me to bring
somebody else along

to go out with
her older sister.

What do you say?
Oh, I don't know, Tony.

Come on, do one for me,

please, please, please.
No, I...

Oh, all right, okay.



Oh, great, Alex.

We're meeting them at 8:30,

at this French place
in the Village.

La Belle Chateau.

Oh, French food!

Sounds like a terrific evening.

It's gonna be a
great evening, Jim.

Oh, la la la la la!

Ah, la cuisine française
est magnifique.

C'est la plus bonne de monde.

Hey, Jim, you're
speaking French.

Moi?

All right, attention,
cabbies, attention here.

All right, yesterday,



Latka Gravas was
test driving a cab

when suddenly, the engine
burst into flames.

Our Latka got out of the cab

and beat the flames
out with his jacket,

risking life and limb
to save that vehicle.

(applause)

Therefore, I am pleased
to present Latka

with the
Employee of the Month Award.

(applause)

Latka, would you
like to say

a few words
to the cabbies?

Thank you very much.

I am a dope.

Madame, I can seat you now.

Will you be dining...
uh...?

Uh, are you, uh...

Alone?

Is that what you're
trying to say?

Yes, I will
be dining alone.

No one else is coming.

We're all here.

Uh, excuse me, this is
my first time dining alone,

so I just wanted
to ask you one thing.

Where are lonely,
desperate women

usually seated
in the better restaurants?

Table four.

Hey... now, this
is a classy place.

I know, I came
here years ago

when they only
had one brick wall.

Oh, my God.

Uh, waiter, waiter!

Waiter!
Oh, madame...

something is wrong?

Yes, my ex-husband
just walked in.

Is there a side door

or a meat locker
I could hide in?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I let you
talk me into this, Tony.

Come on!
Oh, dear.

Alex!

ALEX: Huh?
TONY: There she is!

Oh.
Isn't she beautiful?

TONY:
Alex, there she is again!

Hi, Tony.
TONY: Hi.

I'd like you to meet
my sister, Candi.

Hi, Candi.
Randi, Candi,

I'd like you to meet
my friend, Alex.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi! (chuckles)

Uh, how long have
you two been twins?

(laughing)

I feel silly, right,
but I love feeling silly.

Sorry I'm late.

What do you
mean late?

What are you doing here?

I assumed
I was invited.

You weren't!

Well, you're lucky
I made that mistake,

or I never would've
gotten here.

Uh, Jim Ignatowski, this
is Candi and Randi Moratta.

Oh.
Our dates--

mine and Alex's.

Ours, ours.

How do?

How's it going?

Egg split in the womb, huh?

Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim...

Jim.

Alex?
Huh?

I got a real problem here.

Yeah, yeah,
I know, I know.

Would you ladies
excuse us?

Uh, we have something
to straighten out here.

I'm having a great
time here, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
listen, Jim...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, my ex-wife.

Uh, Jim, uh,
would you tell them

to excuse me for
just a few minutes?

See, I'm coming in
handy already.

Yeah.

Phyllis.
Oh, hi, Alex.

You, uh, you look terrific.

You've lost weight.

Yeah, 35 pounds.

Wow, how'd you do that?

The grief diet.

Your husband divorces you

and then you cry
and vomit for three months.

(uneasy laugh)

No, I mean, uh, I'm,
I'm really sorry to hear

that your second marriage
didn't work out, Phyllis.

Well, hey, you know,
I'll survive.

Look at me.

I'm back in
circulation already.

Oh, who're you with?

Him.

You know, he's always

so interested
that other people

are having a good time.

Hey, come on, Phyllis,
you're dining alone, right?

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, I'm not ashamed.

I mean, I'm really glad
to be dining alone.

Could I just ask you
one thing, though?
What?

Is it rude to talk to yourself
with your mouth full?

Alex, we're still over here!

TONY:
Come on over here.

Uh, listen, Phyllis, I'm, I'm
neglecting my company, uh...

Oh, right, listen,
go back to them.

I mean, (chuckles)

I can see you got a pretty
big night ahead of you, huh?

No, no, no, it's not a big
night, it's not a big night.

Oh, it's not a big night?
No, no, no.

Oh, well, then
what is a big night?

Triplets?

(sighs)

Well, it was really nice
seeing you again, Phyllis.

Alex, before you go, don't go.

But, Phyllis,
I have to, uh...

Alex, please.

I'm gonna be staying
at the Mayflower Hotel

through next Tuesday, and
I just... I just thought

it would be really good
if we spent some of
that time together.

Yeah.
Or most of that
time together.

Or every waking moment
of that time...

Look, Phyllis, Phyllis, look,
if-if-if you want to talk,

just give me a call, okay?

Please.
Listen, Alex, no, really,

I understand that you
have to be running along

to your little pagan ritual,

but I just want to ask you
one thing right now, okay?

I mean, even after
all this time,

is there still
something there?

Sure, sure, sure.

Of course there's
something there.

I mean, uh, if you were
walking down the street

and a safe was about to fall on
you, I would yell, "Look out".

Me, too.

Phyllis, not wanting
to see you get pulverized

is a far cry
from a reconciliation.

Will you excuse me?

Oh, Alex...
Huh?

When I'm reaching out
to you like this,

when I'm this vulnerable,
when I'm this manipulative,

I just don't believe
that you can get up
from this table

and just walk away
from me like this.

Uh, look, uh, uh,
Phyllis, look,

the best thing that I can
do for you right now is,

uh, to be as honest and
as clear as I know how.

We're...

We're simply just not involved
in each other's lives anymore.

Understand?

So, I just put
an end to things

right then and there.

I think I did
the right thing.

You think I did
the right thing?

I'm sure I did
the right thing.

Aren't you sure
I did the right thing?

Yes, you did
the right thing.

How could you say that?

The woman is all alone.

Alex, you can't
make it easy for her.

All you can do

is you can help her
postpone all the stuff

that she's gonna have to
eventually deal with anyway.

The only way you can help
your ex-wife is if you care,

I mean, really care enough
to get involved with her again.

Do you?

No!

Well, then you were
absolutely right

in being as rotten
as you were.

Oh, Elaine, come on,
don't do that to me.

No, really, I did the
right thing, didn't I?

Yes, you did.
Oh...

Don't touch me.

Personally...

I love divorced women.

I love women who just
broke up with guys.

I live on the rebound.

I love the rebound.

I am the rebound.

Now, come here,
come here, come here,

come here, come here.

Look, I don't, I don't
tell this to anybody

because I don't want
anybody to find out.

You want desperate women?

Desperate, desperate, women?

I know where to go
where there are girls

who just failed
their bar exam.

You look like a lawyer
to me, honey.

The greatest date I ever had

was with a girl who flunked
the police academy

because she couldn't
do 12 push-ups.

At least, not on the exam.

(goofy chuckle)

Thanks for sharing
that with me, Louie.

Excuse me, I have to
go boil my ears now.

Pearls.

Hello?

Is Alex Reiger here?

Nah, he's working.
He's working.

You... you're not his ex-wife,
are you?

Yes, I am.

I was just
in the neighborhood,

and I thought I just
might catch him in.

You know, to say hello.

Well, he's, uh, out on the road.

He won't be back for 12 hours.

I'll wait.

Uh, I, I know
it's none of my business,

but I just want, uh, to tell you

that I feel for you,

what with your life
in shreds and all.

Oh, thank you.

Whoever are you?

My name's Louie De Palma.

Oh.

I'm a real close friend
of Alex.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, I-I guess
he's told you all about me?

No.
Good.

Well, he's told me
all about you.

How, uh, witty and charming
and intelligent you are.

Oh.

And, uh, if you don't
mind my saying,

you're also really easy
on the blinkers.

How you talk-- it...

(laughs)

So, listen, you want to go out?

Oh, I'm busy, uh...

But I didn't say when.

Oh, say when.

Tonight.

I'm busy.

All right, all right.

I'm, I'm... I'm sorry, uh,
for being so forward.

It's... it's just that
this feeling came over me

that, uh, this would be
my first and last chance

to ever spend even a little time

with a really elegant woman.

That was so well put.

Yeah.

Well, you know,
this may be a sewer,

but that doesn't mean
it can't have its daisies.

Well, like, uh,

uh, what do you suppose we'd do

together, you know?

Make for me a memory

that would haunt the remainder
of my days on earth.

You know, either the
fumes in this place

are affecting
my judgment...

...or you're kind of cute.

I was afraid there for a moment
you wouldn't notice.

How about
if I pick you up at 8:00?

Why not?
(laughs)

(laughs)

I'm at the
Mayflower Hotel.

Oh, yeah,
yeah, I know.

(both laughing giddily)

(stops laughing)
What? What?
What? What? What?

Oh, nothing, nothing,
nothing. Just, uh...

(laughs,
then stops abruptly)

What? What?
What? What?

Nothing!

(both laughing)

(stops laughing)

Maybe I shouldn't
do this, you know?

I hope I'm not dreaming.

(laughs heartily)

Bingo!

He's coming!
Here, you got to read this.

Oh, Louie, I...
Yes, you got to do it.

You read this.
Louie, I don't
want to do this.

You do it. You do it.

I don't want to do it.
It's stupid!
It's not stupid.

You do... you do it
when he gets up...

There you go, Louie.

(humming)

(reading):
"Say, Louie..."

Uh, yes, Jeff?

"I hear you have
a date tonight."

Uh, yes,
that-that's true.

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I've got a hot date tonight.

She's got class,

beauty

and experience.

Here.

"Would I know her,
Louie?"

No, I don't
believe you do,

but Reiger might.

I don't think
he heard it.

Wait a minute.

Whoa. Come on now.
We got to do it again.

Come on.
Hurry up.
Again?! Louie,

this is childish.
Come on!

(clears throat)

"Say, Louie..."

Yes, Jeff?

"I hear
you have a date tonight."

Uh, yes, Jeff.

Well, I guess
this is where I came in.

Who have you got a date
with tonight?

Beat it. Beat
it. Beat it.

I'll give you a hint.

The answer is right
under your nose,

but then again,
what isn't?

All right, I guess
I should find out

how you feel about
this because, uh,

I remember once

you got mad

because I
used your comb.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Aha! Aha!

Got your curiosity
up there, huh?

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

You're so sophisticated
and intelligent.

You go out with a
whole different class

of women than old
Louie De Palma, huh?

Not necessarily.

This happens to be a woman

that you've dated.

Louie, it's been
a long day.

Will you cut the crap?

I've been out with
a lot of women,

and it's just possible

that you might have
dated one of them.

So, what's the big deal?

How big a deal would it be

if it was your ex-wife?

Hmm?

Phyllis?

Hey, now, wait a minute!

Now, wait a minute!
Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want you
to do that, Louie.

Now, she's weak,
she's vulnerable,

and she might mistake
you for a human being.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Go easy, easy, easy.

Oh, what is
going on here?
Easy.

ALEX:
I'll tell you what's

going on here.
He's got a date with my ex-wife.

Hey, Phyllis and I
are consenting adults,

and you have nothing
to say about it.

I am a busy man.

LOUIE:
Jeff?

"Say, Louie,

I hear you
have a date..."

No, no, no, no.

Oh, it sickens me to say this,
Alex, but, uh, he's right.

There's nothing
you can do about it.

(knocking)

Look, Phyllis...
Alex, what's wrong?

The Doublemint sisters
kicked you out?

Phyllis, you can't go out
with Louie De Palma!

Alex, what are you
talking about?

I mean, Louie seems real nice.

I mean, I'll admit he won't make
anybody forget Paul Newman.

Phyllis...

Or Edwin Newman.

Phyllis...

Or Alfred E.

Phyllis!

Will you
listen to me?

Louie is a terrible,
rotten, low-life person,

and if you're using
Louie De Palma

to get over that Brazilian
ex-husband of yours,

then I shudder to think

who you're gonna use to
get over Louie De Palma.

Alex, I don't know why
you're acting like this,

but you're behaving
like a crazy person!

Phyllis, everything
I've said thus far

about Louie, his mother
would agree with.

In fact, I'm
quoting her.

Alex, will you stop it now?

Just stop it.

I'm a single person,

and there's a new Phyllis
to explore.

But-but-but
Phyl, but...

(knocking)
Okay.

Now will you please save us all
any further embarrassment

and get into that bathroom

until my date and I have left
for our evening?

(sighs)

You're right.

I feel foolish.

I feel like I've
insulted my dignity.

I welcome the opportunity
to cower in your toilet.

Hi, Phyllis.

Hi, Louie.

I'll be ready
in a minute.

Great!

'Cause have I got an evening
planned for us!

I already called room service,

and they are sending up
champagne...

canapés...

and oxygen.

It's nice to see someone not
caught up in the exercise fads.

I have my own form of exercise.

Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.

PHYLLIS:
Oh,

Alex!

Reiger!

What are you,
some kind of weirdo?

And I thought
you two wouldn't hit it off.

Well, I'll just leave you
and your gentleman caller

to explore the new Phyllis.

Alex, you can't go.

You can't go.

Why?

I'm in the
way here.

I mean, I can
take a hint.

Alex, Alex!
Okay, you were right.

I'm sorry.
I apologize, okay?

You were right.

You were real...

Wait a minute.

Did you put him up to this?

Wait a minute here.

Is this something
that you two cooked up

in that little garage there

so you would have to come in
and rescue me?

(laughs)

No, of course not.

Oh, come on!

No real person
acts like that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, wait a
minute here.

What is there,
some kind of weird
place in Manhattan

where you rent
out these guys?

I-I'm starting to feel
a little self-conscious here.

Uh...

excuse me, but, uh,
did it ever occur to you

that our date was over?

This is your fault, Reiger!

Because I didn't do
anything wrong this time.

You said you didn't want
to get involved.

And you end up walking
out of the bathroom.

I mean, now, what-what...
what's going on here?

I don't understand.

You don't understand because
you've never been married.

You've never been engaged.

You've never been invited
to a wedding for that matter.

Now there's something
that happens to people

when, for six years,
they go to bed together

and they get up together,

who have some kind
of a connection

because they were married
and because they had a child.

And if that's not true,

then something's wrong
with you or life.

I mean, something's wrong.

You want to go out
and eat with me?

Oh, Alex,

you're so sweet.

And I really know
that you're worried

about just even going
on a date with me

'cause you're afraid

that suddenly I'll
drive you crazy,

and then I'll be neurotic,
and I'll be crazy, you know,

be demanding and...

I just really would like
to put your mind at ease.

But I can't.

Uh, uh, Phyllis? Phyllis?

What?!

I'll call you next week.

(wry chuckle)

PHYLLIS:
Am I crazy?

I get a kick
out of that guy.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)