Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 9 - Thy Boss' Wife - full transcript

The head boss' wife invites Louie over for an affair so she can get back at her husband. Louie fears the worst after remembering that her last fling, a cabbie, had not been heard from since.

( theme music playing )

Yes. Yes, Mr. McKenzie.

Oh, yes. I understand, sir.

Certainly.

When your wife comes in,
tell her you're not here.

Yeah. Very good, sir.

Oh, uh, by the way, uh, Mr.
McKenzie, have I ever told you

that you have
a magnificent telephone voice?

Uh, well, have I told you today?

Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.



I was under the impression
you liked it kissed.

Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, Elaine.

Hi.

Hey, listen, I got
a couple new exercises

in that class I'm taking.

Oh, the pantomime class.

Yeah, you know, this mime
stuff, it's really helping me

in my, in my stage
presence, you know?

You want to see
a couple exercises?

Yeah, okay.
Okay.

Now, this is called
"Man Walking."

That's a
man walking,
all right.

Yeah? Yeah?



Hey, I got one.

Okay.

Tony, what is that
supposed to be?

That's "A Man
Standing in Garage."

No, that's "Dumb Man
Standing in the Garage."

I love this.

A duel of wits
between unarmed opponents.

BOBBY:
Hey, Elaine,
you want to see

some more?
Want to see another one?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
come on.
Okay, this is a classic.

This is called
"Man in Glass Cubicle." Okay?

When did they
put that in here?

No, no, no. Jim, uh,
this is pantomime.

It's just an exercise from
Bobby's acting class.

Oh... I see.

Can he hear us in there?

Ignatowski, why
don't you try

renting out that vacant
lot between your ears?

Okeydoke.

M-Mrs. McKenzie.

( slamming thud )

( nervous laughter )

Don't you look lovely today?

Thank you, Louie.

Eh... thank you. Thank you
for coming into the garage

and brightening up my day.

Is my husband in?

Uh... Mr. McKenzie?

Uh, no, no, no. I'm
afraid, I'm afraid

that you, uh,
you just missed him.

Uh, as a matter of fact,
he just left here

with a couple
of business associates...

Louie, if I find out
that you're lying

I'm gonna roll
up your tongue

and stick a toothpick
through it.

( stammers ):
What was the question again?

Is my husband in?

( chuckles )
Oh, your husband's in.

Yeah! I-I-I-I lost my head.

Uh, would you like me
to call him

and tell him
you're coming up?

No. I want to surprise him.

See, if he knew I was here,
that bloated gasbag

would be escaping
out the back window.

Well-well, I think I speak
for the rest of us

when I say I hope that you
and that bloated gasbag

patch up that little tiff
you're having.

Ooh, ha-ha!

Ooh, boy!

( cackles )

What's so funny, Louie?

It's happening again.

"Mrs. McKenzie's revenge."

Oh...

I picked up a touch of that
in Mexico one summer.

Shut up.

Now, listen here.

I'm going to tell you a story

that I think you're
going to like.

It doesn't happen very often,
but every now and then

Mr. and Mrs. McKenzie
have a fight

and they go at it
hammer and tong,

as you can well imagine.

Well, as soon as it's over,
she comes out of that door

swoops down here

and picks out some poor,
unsuspecting cabby

and invites him home to dinner.

Oh, my God.

That's the most horrifying
story I've ever heard.

Shut up, will you?

All right, it's not dinner

that she wants
to take him home for.

What she's really
interested in

is a little mattress magic.

( imitating
mattress squeaking )

Come on.

Louie, this sounds like

one of your little
sweaty fantasies.

( Louie chuckles )

I mean, why would
she pick a cabby?

Well, she wants to
humiliate her husband.

And what better
way to do that

than to fool around with
one of his employees?

But wait a minute, you haven't
heard the worst part yet.

Once she's done
with the poor jerk

she goes right to her
husband and tells him.

As soon as McKenzie
hears about it

it's bye-bye to that dumb cabby.

You mean the guy loses his job?

No.

I mean...

he vanishes.

( imitates whooshing )

Like he was never born.

I can't even find
his records the next day.

All a guy has to do
is turn her down.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not with this dame.

I mean, with her,
even if you don't,

she tells her husband you did.

Either way, you're
history. ( grunts )

I don't believe this, Louie.

Well, you better
believe it, Banta,

because she always picks
the young, good-looking ones.

( chuckles )

The way I figure it,
either you

or Wheeler
are doomed.

I'm hoping she notices
Wheeler's got the better nose.

You know, Louie, I hate to
deprive you of your pleasure,

but I'm not buying
any of this.

Oh, no?
No.

Well, neither did
Curly Melnick.

He scoffed at me, too.

And the last time
I saw Curly,

he was walking out that door,
wearing his best suit

on his way
to Mrs. McKenzie's.

( chuckles )
But don't feel bad.

It must have been worth it,
because I hear he died

with a smile on what
was left of his face.

( chuckles )

Elaine, could this
be true?
I don't know...

I don't think so.
Tony, this is
Louie talking.

Don't take anything
seriously.

ELAINE:
Yeah, of course.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

I've never been so tired
in all my life.

I just drove a double shift,

and I'm dead on my feet.

( yawns )

Hey, Alex
would know.

Alex would know
about this.

Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey, Alex?

Yo.
Louie's been trying
to scare us

with some crazy story
about Mrs. McKenzie's revenge

and Curly Melnick.
Is that true?

MRS. McKENZIE:
We'll just see about that,
you wart head!

( door slams )

Uh... Mrs. McKenzie?

Would you, uh, like
me to introduce you

to one of these
handsome young gentlemen?

Well, you could tell me
one thing, Louie.

What's that?

Well, I'm-I'm planning
this little dinner party for two

tonight at my place.

Oh, how delightful.

I was wondering, could you come?

Make it about 8:00, okay?

( garbled muttering )

Mrs...

Wh...

Why-Why me, Mrs. McKenzie?

Because if my fooling around
with somebody halfway decent

upsets my husband...

this'll kill him.

( phone ringing )

( mutters )

( ringing continues )

( mutters )

Hello?

No, there's no Sheila here.

You got the wrong number.

What?

Yes, of course it's my number.

There's no Sheila here.

What?

Yes...

Of course I know...

Look, I...

I'm telling you,
you got the wrong n...

There never has been
a Sheila here.

Look, I'm very sorry,

but I really have
to get some sleep.

Look, there doesn't have
to be a Sheila... hold on.

Hey, Sheila!

( high-pitched voice ):
Yeah?

( normal voice ):
You want to talk to Joyce?

( high-pitched ):
Who?

( normal ):
Joyce.

( high-pitched ):
Oh, tell her I'm busy.

I can't talk to her...

( normal ):
She's busy.
She'll call you later.

( muttering )

( door opening )

Rieger!

Rieger!
Hmm?

Rieger, Rieger!

Rieger, wake up,
wake up! Wake up!

Sheila?

I-I didn't want to...
I didn't want to wake you

with a phone call in the middle
of the night,

'cause I know how jarring
that can be.

That's very thoughtful.
How did you get in?

It wasn't easy.
Hmm...

I-I-I tried to pick the lock,
but it was too tough.

Oh, that's nice to know.

So I had to break it.
Mm-hmm.

I-I knew if I knocked,
you wouldn't have let me in.

You're right.
Come on, Rieger.

Rieger, look at me.

Look at me, Rieger.
I'm a mess.

You know why I look this way?

Yeah. Genetics.

No, no.

I've been drinking, Rieger.

Oh, I see.
You know why
I've been drinking?

I don't know and I
don't care, Louie.

I've been drinking
because I'm facing death.

Oh, come on, Louie.

What are you
talking about?

Mrs. McKenzie
picked me this time.

( laughing )

Now this might be
worth waking up for.

Rieger, I'm trapped.

I'm cursed. I'm doomed.

Oh, come on, Louie.

There must be some mistake.

Why would she pick you?

Come on, admit it--
you're no Curly Melnick.

Then again,
neither is he anymore.

Rieger...

she picked me
because she really wants

to rub her husband's
nose in it this time.

Ah, that's a good choice.

Come on, Rieger,
you got to help me.

You got to help me.
All right.

You help everybody else
in the garage.

You got to help me.

I know I help
everybody else,

because they're
nice people and
deserving of help.

( imitates bawling )

"They're nice people
deserving of help."

If I wasn't about to die,
I'd be sick.

( sighs )

Rieger!
( snores )

Mrs. McKenzie wants my goodies.

What am I going to do?

Come on.
( mutters groggily )

Rieger! Rieger,
Rieger, Rieger!
Hmm?

All right, all right.
All right, all right.

All right, all right.
Let's take a look
at your problem.

All right.
Great, great.

Let us examine
your options.

My options.

Options, yeah!

I love how you do this.

I got it.
What? What?

You call her up,
tell her you're sick,
you can't make it.

Genius! The man is a genius!

No, wait, wait, wait!

That won't work.

She saw you in the pink
of health

this morning.
She'll never believe it.

Not for a second.

What? What?

What? What?

I got it!
Hmm? What?
What? You got it?

You jump the gun.
You go to Mr. McKenzie himself,

and tell him everything.

That's it!

That is it!
( raucous laughter )

Wait, wait a minute!

That won't work, either.

It won't?
No, he'll kill
you right there

in his office for telling
stories about his wife.

He'd tear me limb from limb.

( sighs )

I don't know...

Come on, come on,
come on, come on...

Come on. Come on.
Think. Think.

Wait a minute!

Whoo!

Why didn't I
think of this before?

( laughs )
Why didn't you
think of it?

She picked you because you're
loathsome and despicable, right?

Right!
So, all we got to do

is find someone more loathsome
and more despicable.

Ahhhh!
( growling )

Louie, there is one answer.

What, what, what?

You're a dead man.

No, no. Rieger, Rieger.

Bye-bye.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No, no, I'm not finished,
Rieger.

Oh, no, no, no.

Louie De Palma is a survivor.

I'm going to come out of this
thing, you bet. ( grunts )

Who was it that said,
"I shall return"?

Curly Melnick.

( groaning )

( knocking at door )

Now, look here,
Mrs. McKenzie.

I thought about this a lot,

and I want to get
one thing straight right now.

There is no way
in the world

that you are going
to seduce me.

I want you!

Come in, Louie.

What am I doing?

This is crazy.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.

I... I don't think
there's any reason

for us to beat
around the bush.

I mean, there is no
chance of anything

happening between
you and I.

I mean, look at it from my side.

I have nothing but loyalty
for my employer, Mr. McKenzie,

who happens to be
one of the finest human beings

who it has been my pleasure
to meet in this life.

He can't stand the sight of you.

Then I'll have his woman.

This is crazy, no!

Mrs. McKenzie,
you don't want me.

Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, no, no.

No, listen, you
only picked me

because I was at the
bottom of the barrel.

Oh, Louie, that's not true.

No, I-I find you
very attractive.

You do?

Yes.

Well... what do you find
attractive about me?

Your eyes.

You have nice eyes.

Both of them?

( mutters ):
No, Mrs. McKenzie.

There is no way that your
mere kisses are going to...

sway me.

What is that scent?

That's "Pleasuree."

Pl...

Pleasuree.

It's very expensive.

Oh, it should be.

Poor people shouldn't
smell like that.

Let's go into the bedroom.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Mrs. McKenzie, please.

Please don't make me
go in there, please.

Please...

Louie...

Please...

Your palms are getting
little sweat marks

all over my gown.

Are you going to come
into the bedroom with me?

No, no, no.
Oh, no. Oh-ho-ho, no!

Oh, no. You don't get me
in there.

No, sirree. Oh, no.

Because I know
if I stay out here, I'm safe.

Once I get in there,
I'm a dead man.

( chuckles ):
Uh-uh...

( laughs )

Sure.

Sure, you're
an attractive woman.

And, uh...

especially now.

( growling )

Lying there

posed so seductively

with that "come hither" look.

But I'm not coming hither.

No, thank you, Mrs. McKenzie.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Okay, Louie,
if that's how you feel.

I've reconsidered.

Oh, good.

Whoa!

What a bed!

Whoo!

If we lose each other,

I'll meet you
at the headboard.

( growls ):
No, no, no, no, no...

No, we mustn't do this.

What?
No.

No, we mustn't.
Why not?

We'll regret it.

No, we won't.

It's morally wrong.

Moral...
You're a
married woman.

We can't do this,
Mrs. McKenzie.

Oh, yes, we can.

No, no, I have
a war wound.
What?

I have a war wound.

Really?
Yes.

What war?

What are you talking about?

What war?
Yeah.

I can't remember.
I had my memory

shot off.

Uh, really, I-I sense

the animal in you.
( growling )

Come on.

( nervous chuckling )

( door opening )

MR. McKENZIE:
Ruth!

Is that Mr...?
Is that Mr...?

That's Mr. McKenzie!
Mr. McKenzie!

Where are ya?
Just a minute!

Just a minute!

MR. McKENZIE:
Where are you?

Where, where?
Hide! What?

Hide!
Where, where?

I don't know.

You hide.

Where?

Where to hide?

Where to hide? Where?!

I couldn't get a plane off,
'cause there was a fog.

I've got the worst headache
I ever had in my life.

Now, I'm going to go
and get some aspirin.

Would you like something
to eat or something?

MR. McKENZIE:
No, no. No, thanks.

How about a drink?

Oh, no, no.
I had something
at the airport.

How about a tuna?

I-I got some tuna.

You want...
you want some tuna?

Now, you know
I don't like tuna.

You don't like tuna?

Isn't there... isn't there
anything I can get for you?

( Louie growls )
Oh, my God.

( door opens )

All I want to do

is go to bed.

( Louie growls )

Ruth...

( nervous muttering )

( Louie yelps )

Ruth, I-I got a
confession to make.

Yeah?

The reason I came back was
I just couldn't leave town

after that argument
we had this morning.

I know, I know.

I'm really sorry
about that.

I know, and if you're
sorry, I'm sorry.

Let's just kiss and make up.
Oh...

Hey, hey...

Remember the last time

we kissed and made
up like this?

It took us three

whole days.
( chuckles )

( growling )

TONY:
Here you go, Jeff.

Hey, where's Louie?

I don't know, man.

I haven't seen him
in three days.

No kidding. Well, there's
a lot of things going around.

He's probably
stuck in bed.
Yeah.

Hey, Bobby, you want to go
have a drink at Mario's?

Uh, no, man, I
got a mime class.

I've got to practice
some exercises.

I'll see you later, okay?

Catch you later.
Okay.

( sighs )

Oh, wait a minute.

Huh!

I see what's
going on here.

This is mime stuff, right?

Hey! Right, Jim.

I may be slow,
but once I catch it, it sticks.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bobby, when the hell

are you going to get
this thing out of here?

Uh, I got some people
coming to pick it up
in the morning, Jim.

Yeah, it's getting
to be an eyesore.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )