Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 20 - Latka the Playboy - full transcript

( theme music playing )

LOUIE:
I waited till everybody
was over at Mario's

because I didn't want to take
any more razzing over this.

Now, you say this
poison works

on all kinds
of cockroaches

because I got
a monster in there.

A monster.

No insect can survive
this poison.

Respect your foe.

We're not talking
about just any insect.

This is the biggest
cockroach in the world.



I'm telling you, he
barks at the mailman.

Don't worry about it, Mac.

I'll get him.

Take no prisoners.

Right.

Describe to me again
what this stuff does to him.

Well, it, uh,

paralyzes the central
nervous system,

blocking
and then causing cessation

of all
the metabolic functions.

At least,
that's what the can says.

As long as I can see his little
feelers twitching in the air,

I don't care how you do it.

Oh...



( speaking
native language )

Excuse me,
Latka?

I said, oh...

( speaking native
language )

Is something
wrong, Latka?

I enjoy watching her.

ALEX:
Oh, yes, she's
very enjoyable.

Yeah, she has been
in here before.

Each time she gets more
beautiful than the last.

Look at the way
she sits on the stool

like a princess.

ELAINE:
Oh...

You got a little
crush on her,

don't you, Latka?

Why didn't
you tell us, huh?

It brings me
too much pain.

She doesn't know
I'm alive.

Can't she tell
you're alive

by the way you move
around and talk and stuff?

Huh?

Hey, Latka,

just go over there
and introduce yourself.

Say hi, she may
like your style.

No, I could not
do that.

Why not, Latka?
Why not?

Well, how do
I say this?

You see, I do not have
too much success

with American women.

You see,
the men from my country

are not,
for some reason,

attractive to the women
in your country.

We do not,
as a matter of fact,

have much luck
with the women in my country.

Latka, if I were you,

I'd go over there
and say hello.

Bobby, if I were you,

I would go over
and say hello.

But, unfortunately,
I am me.

Oh, what kind of
attitude is that, Latka?

Come on, you are
an attractive person

with a lot to offer.

Remember that.
Yeah.

( all talking at once )

By golly,
I will do it.

ALL:
All right.

Tomorrow.

( all groan )

Tomorrow,
first thing, I promise.

BOBBY:
Latka, there is no time
like the present.

No, wait.
Come on.

ALEX:
Wait, wait, guys, guys!

Come on,
don't force him.

Let him make up
his own mind.

Alex.
What?

Mind your
own business.
Mind my own business.

Come on, guys.

Okay, now, you're going
to do fine, Latka.

Shh.

Hello, I am Latka Gravas.

You're what?

Hello, I am Latka Gravas.

That is my name--

Latka Gravas.

I think you are
very pretty American woman.

Oh, well, thank you.

Maybe could I please
have a drink with you?

Or food?

Or... or even gum?

Bubble gum?

I'm really not interested.

Thank you.

Then I guess it will
not be necessary for us

to look for a house
over the weekend.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, bye-bye.

It was nice meeting you.

Boy, it sure is
a long walk back.

ELAINE:
Sorry, Latka.

BOBBY:
She shot you down, huh?

Yeah, she shot me down.

BOBBY:
Ah, she didn't even
give you a chance.

That stinks.

It's all right,
I forgive her.

Yeah, well, I don't.

There's such a thing as
sensitivity to other people.

I think I'm gonna
go over there

and tell
Miss High-and-Mighty

where to get off.

Hey, wait a minute, Bob.

Let it go, will you?
Alex, it's okay,

I'm not going
to make a scene.

It's just I can't
let this thing rest.

You know, Latka,

I bet it has nothing
to do with you.

You know, I bet that
she's committed somewhere.

You know, she's
engaged or married,

or, you know,
living with someone.

Okay.

( chuckles )

She needs a cab.

Yeah, I-I'm just
going to give her

a ride home, professionally,
and talk about Latka

all the way.
Hey, now...

Alex, what can I do?

She needs a cab, huh?

Hey, Latka, if it bothers you,

listen, I'll forget
about it right now.

Oh, no, you don't
worry about it, Bobby.

You just go and have a wonderful
time with the woman

who makes every tissue
in my body scream with desire.

Okay,
thanks a lot, Latka.

Boy, what a nice person.

Ooh, look at this.

Get a load of this one.

Ooh.

Hey, Latka,
what are you doing,

reading Playboy magazine?

Oh, yes,
I am studying it, Alex.

I want to be
up front with you.

I want to be
an American fun guy

taking each day in high gear.

Did I say that right?

I hope not.

Well, what's
the point?

Well, the point is

that I am sick
of you all calling me

a cute, little foreigner.

We don't call you a
cute little foreigner.

Well, maybe not to my face,
but behind my back.

Uh-uh, we don't call you that
behind your back.

Well, maybe you don't say it
out loud, but you think it.

We don't even think it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about the time
Tony said his uncle was broke,

and I said, "Well, why doesn't
he go to the doctor?"

Yeah, that was kind of cute.

See, "cute" again.

Everything always cute.

I am sick of being cute.
When will it end?

But Latka, I don't see how
reading a bunch of magazines

is going to make you
more sophisticated?

Well, Alex, I am not
only going to read it,

I am going to take a vacation
from the garage,

I am going
to lock myself in,

every spare minute,

I am going
to study this Playboy.

Mm-hmm.

And I have a tape
of an F.M. D.J.

I am going to learn
to talk like him

so that
when women hear my voice,

they will just relax.

See, I will do it

even if it takes me eight days.

Look, here it is.

I have it marked.

I am going to...
"alter my lifestyle

to fit the fast lane."

Huh?

( voice deepens ):
"Alter my lifestyle
to fit the fast lane."

( voice deepens ):
"Alter my lifestyle
to fit the fast lane."

( voice deepens ):
"Alter my lifestyle
to fit the fast lane."

( accent lessens ):
"Alter my lifestyle
to fit the fast lane."

( without accent ):
"Alter my lifestyle
to fit the fast...

( normal voice ):
...lane." Whoop!

There, that ought
to do it.

Now... now,
how soon is it safe

to go back in there?

Well, that depends on
your system, you know.

Some people, they go in there
the first day, they get sick.

Other people
might get a headache.

Me, I like it.

All right.

Thanks, pal.

Ha!

It's great
to have the cage back.

All right.

It's worth every penny
for the piece of mind.

Come on in here, Jeff.

I'm starving.

Sandwich.

Mustard.

* No bugs allowed

* No bugs allowed

* No bugs allowed.

Jeff...

( talking indistinctly )

It's Karen.

The princess
is honoring us

with her
presence.

I bet you
she's insulted

we're not groveling
at her feet.

Oh, you're
handling rejection

so much better
than you used to, Bobby.

TONY:
Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Latka's back
from his vacation.

He's on his way
in right now.

I got to pick a good spot

so I can see all your faces
when you first see him.

I got it. Go ahead.

ELAINE:
Oh, my God.

What did
I tell you?

ALEX:
Latka?

( without accent ):
Hey, I love you guys,
you're beautiful.

( clicks tongue )

Hey, Tommy,
making any money?

Latka?

What kind of
imported beer you got?

Schlitz.

Schlitz.

I love you, Tommy,
you're a mug.

Give me one of those.

Thanks.

I can take one look at you

and tell that you've heard
every phony line in the book...

so one more isn't going
to hurt you, right?

( laughing )

( laughing )

She's laughing.

Ah...

but seriously now.

The first few moments
of a relationship

set the tone
for the whole thing,

if you know what I mean,

so let's be honest.

My name is Vic.

I'm into Italian cars,
Technics stereos,

Australian films
and beautiful ladies.

If you're interested,
let's talk.

If not, it's been fun.

Vic, huh?

No, not "Vic, huh?"--

Vic Ferrari.

Vic Ferrari?

That isn't your
real name, is it?

Why don't you tell me

after you see how I perform
on a tight corner.

( laughing )

Terrible humor, Vic,

but I love that smile.

Come on, walk with me,
talk with me.

Are you seeing
what I'm seeing?

It's like Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hekyll.

Latka.

Excuse me, I think these
people have mistaken me

for someone else.

I'm a dime a dozen.

Don't you believe it.

Be right back.

All right,
Latka, way to go.

You got her, buddy.

Hey, she's a woman, not a prize.

Hey, I love you guys,

but I don't like your
"keeping score" attitude.

Latka, she can't
hear you now.

You can drop the act.

The act?

Hey, man, you got it backwards.

I dropped my act.

You guys could stand
to do the same thing.

Hey, Elaine.

You're looking dynamite tonight.

Corny, but sincere.

( laughing )

( clicks tongue )
Gotcha.

Come on, let's go, honey.

Poor, Latka.

What do you mean, Jim?

Everybody's beating time
with his woman.

First Bobby,
and now that jerk.

Latka!

Latka!

Latka!

Latka!

( growling )

( yells )

( as Vic Ferrari ):
Hey, man, what is your problem?

I don't like people playing
music in this garage.

Well,
I don't like this authority trip

that you're always
laying on me, man.

Hey, you just wasted
Elvis Costello.

Latka, you're getting
weirder every day.

Now, I don't want
to have to fire you

for this, because...

I don't want to
have to fire you...

I was hoping
to fire you just for no reason.

Look, you
better wise up.

Knock it off.

And try wearing
some decent clothes to work.

You look like a foreign banana.

Well...

time for
my sparkling water break.

Anybody want some?

He's not coming
out of this.

If anything,
it's getting worse.

It's been going
on for a week now,

night and day.

Maybe somebody
should talk to him.

Hey, I tried.

He just keeps telling me
I'm one dynamite lady.

I keep telling him
that's beside the point.

( mumbling and phone ringing )

...get an answering service.

Hello.

Yeah, Vic's here.

Hold on a second.

Hey, Latka,
it's Karen for you.

I'm not here.

Latka, it's the girl
you're crazy about, remember?

Hey, I am out man, read my lips.

Uh, yeah,
no, he's not here.

Yeah, okay, sure.

I'll tell him
you called. Bye.

Latka, what's going on?

It's over between
her and me.

You see, Karen is
the kind of chick

who craves rejection

and goes around
creating it for herself.

So what's a boy to do?

This is too much.

Latka, we got to talk to you.

Hey...

you know I always have time
to talk to you, Elaine.

You're one dynamite lady.

Latka, shut up.

Ooh-hoo, redheads.

I'm glad you feel

that you can be
so honest with me like that.

Latka, come here
and sit down, okay?

Hey, Latka, Latka,
you're weird.

Hey, we're all coming

from a different direction,

and sometimes
it doesn't get in synch.

Sorry about that,
but you had it coming.

Latka, can't you see
what's going on?

Can't you see
what you're doing to yourself?

Yeah, I'm assimilating.

Hey, Latka, why don't
you come off it, huh?

Hey, if I have to be
a cute little guy

who strikes out every time

in order to be Mr. Popularity
around here,

well then
you can just keep your trophy.

Would you just stop it?

Well, excuse me.

I thought that I had
the right to evolve,

but I'm sensing
a lot of hostility here.

Fortunately,
I got my friend Alex.

My man, Alex.

With a heart
as big as his schnoz

and a brain
as sharp as his profile.

Yeah, well, I'm
very flattered.

Very flattered.

Hey, man, you understand

what I'm talking about,
don't ya?

Yes, I think I do.

Yeah.

God bless the people.

Adios, kids.

Hey, where you going?

Hey, come on back.

Hey, man, don't leave me.

Come on.
I tell ya, Latka,

I've been going back
and forth about this thing,

because I think maybe
you're justified in thinking

that there was
a patronizing element

in the way people used
to treat the old Latka.

But the thing that keeps
coming through to me is

I like that old Latka,

and I don't like you.

Ooh, hard to get happy
after that one.

( knocking on door )

Hey, Alex,

I think we've got some
head-butting to do.

You dropped a real load
of guano on me today,

and I think we should
get out our shovels

and see if we can...

( knocking on door )

( knocking continues )

Please, don't slam
the door on me again,

because I don't think
I could take that.

I really want to talk to you.

What do you have to say
you haven't said already?

I cry at night.

Alex, please help me,
you've got to help me.

I don't know what to do.

I'm stuck inside of here.
I don't like this guy.

I don't remember
how I got in.
No, no, no.

I'll help you, I'll help you,
I'll help you.

Listen, just sit down.
Just sit down.

I don't like
the fast lane.

Well, I understand that.

Well, can't you just stop it?

I mean, be the guy
you used to be.

Talk like you used to talk.

I don't remember
how I used to talk.

You don't remember?

Think.

I... I remember
I was a cute little guy.

I had some kind of an accent.

But I've worked at it so hard

I've been doing it for so long,

I just don't remember
what I used to sound like.

Well, not much different
than you do now.

You remember?

Latka Gravas.

( higher voice ):
Latka Gravas, Ibeda.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do remember
"Latka Gravas, Ibeda."

I'll try it.

Okay, Latka Gravas.

Ibeda.

Oh, it's no use, Alex,
I can't cut it.

I can't, I went too far.

I don't remember
what I sounded like.

I can't sound like him anymore
so this is it.

From here on in, the highway's
full of honky-tonks

and one-nighters and no place
to go when the bars close.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it doesn't
have to be that way.

Oh, come on, cadet,
stop the snowfall.

I can take the truth.

Latka, Latka, just calm down.

Don't try so hard.

I mean, just trust
that Latka's in there,

that he'll come out.

Just trust it
and relax.

No way, buddy boy.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Now, remember, Latka
was a kind of quiet guy.

Trust me.

Just be quiet, just relax, okay?

Mm-hmm.
Think.

He's in there somewhere?

Right.

Come on, Latka.

Come on out, Latka.

I know you're in there
somewhere.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

All right.

Latka.

Yes, yes, yes.

Good, good, good.

Right, right, right,
right, right.

You got it.

( as Latka ):
Alex?
Yes, Latka.

Thank you very much.
You're welcome.

Oh, there's so much
I want to tell you

that has happened to me
since I last saw you.

Oh, great, I'd love
to hear it, Sit down.

Okay. Well...

( speaking native language )

Oh, yeah.

( speaking native language )

( chuckles ):
Wasn't that silly?

( speaking falsetto )

( laughing )
I remember that.

( speaking
native language )
Yeah?

( speaking native language )
...Playboy.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get us a couple of beers--
I'm listening.

( speaking native language
as Vic Ferrari )

( laughing )

( speaking native language
as Latka )

Yeah, well, you know,
that was another time.

( speaking native language )
Oh, well...

( speaking native language )
...don't like you.

( shouting in native language )
Well, I'm sorry
about that.

Guano, guano...
( speaking native language )

Yeah, well,
yeah, here.

( speaking native language )

( laughs )

Then...

Thank you very much.

( speaking
native language )

So go ahead, tell me
more, tell me more.

Well, that's it.
Oh...

Then here I am,
and here you are.

Well, it's nice to
have you back, Latka.

( as Vic Ferrari ):
All right.

( as Latka ):
No, no, I'm only fooling.

Where is your
sense of humor?

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )