Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 18 - On the Job: Part 1 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

TONY:
Hey, what's going
on, huh?

How come none of you guys
are out driving?

Louie's been upstairs
in a meeting for an hour,

you know, with the, uh, company
executives and Mackenzie.

Well, what's
the meeting about?

Got me.

Hey, does anybody know

what's going on up there?

Well, uh, don't
hold me to this,

because I could be dead wrong,
but if it's what I think it is,



I haven't got a clue.

I know what...

I know what it is.

The company is broke.

What? Where did
you hear that?

From me.

Today, this afternoon,
I tried to order parts,

and everywhere I called, they
said that our credit is no good.

Wow, the Sunshine Cab
Company is broke.

LOUIE:
It's your fault-- all of you!

You did this!

You couldn't just drive
and be happy you had jobs.

No!

No!



Everything had to be just so.

The tires had
to have treads.

The brakes had to have linings.

Okay, prima donnas--

you got them, now
you don't have jobs.

I hope you're
satisfied.

You finally killed
the golden goose.

Now, wait a minute, boss--

maybe you're upset,

but before you go throwing
the blame around

you better check
your facts.

Anyone here go near that goose?

What are
we going to do?

We'll have to find ourselves
other jobs.

I guess we'll have to go
to another cab company, huh?

Hmm, not me,
I'm sick of driving.

I think I'm going
to take this as a sign

to break away and start fresh.

Hey, yeah, maybe losing
our jobs is a blessing.

Yeah, maybe it's time to get out
of the hack business.

Maybe it's time for us to shed
these old, lousy, nowhere jobs

and find new, lousy,
nowhere jobs.

Sounds good to me.

( sighs ):
Well, count me in.

Okay, listen, we're all
going to be out there

looking for
new jobs, right?

And we're all gonna
be real curious

to see what the others
have come up with.

So, let's say in a month,
we meet at Mario's...

All right, all right. Terrific.
We'll meet in a month.
Yeah!

And we'll tell about the
great jobs we all got.
Yeah.

Let's do it.
Come on! Stretch!
Hey, all right!

( scoffs )

Hey, Lou,

how did, uh, Mackenzie take it?

The captain?

Yeah.
Huh!

Don't worry about him.

Nothing's going to get
that old buzzard down.

Right now he's upstairs,
brainstorming for an idea

and believe me,
he'll find a way out.

( gunshot )

I wonder how long
it took him

to come up
with that one.

( Elaine screams joyfully )

Hey!
Hey, there she is!

Thanks!
Oh, God.

I'm so sorry
I'm late.

I-I had to wait
for the sitter.

So, uh, what did I miss?

We've only been here
for a couple of minutes.

Just time enough for "hellos."
ELAINE:
Oh...

Oh, I haven't seen you
guys since that terrible

day in the garage.
Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
Yeck, that was awful.

Yeah, but I knew Mackenzie
wasn't the kind of guy

who'd shoot himself.

Yeah, unfortunately
he was the kind of guy

who would shoot
his accountant.

So why don't we
get right down to it?

Okay.
What did everybody do
during the month?

Yeah, come on, who's
going to go first?

Uh...
What about
you, Tony?

Okay, um, I looked
around a lot,

and I couldn't find
anything, you know?

So I had to take this job
with Lou-Lou the bookmaker.

I go around collecting
money from people

who are reluctant
to pay up.

I was making
fantastic money,

but then after awhile

the moral problem
started to get to me.

Hmm...

I really appreciate
you taking the time

to see me like this, Father.

I always have time

for those who come
to me with problems.

Please, have
a seat.

What can I do for you?

Uh...

Tony, if there's something
you want to tell me,

you don't need
to feel embarrassed.

I just don't know
how to start, Father.

This is real tough for me.

I'm not going
anyplace.

Start, uh, whenever
you're ready.

Well, you see, Father,

the garage where I was
working, it went bankrupt,

so I had to go out
and find another job.

I couldn't find any.

I looked real hard,
but I couldn't find one...

except as a collector
for a bookmaker.

A collector?

You know, I go around
making people

pay up their gambling debts.

Sometimes I got to act tough
with them,

but I never hurt nobody.

Tony, I hope you
didn't come here

expecting me
to approve of that.

See, Father, if I didn't
do the collecting,

somebody else would--

somebody maybe not so nice.

So I don't think it's so wrong
for me to keep doing it--

just until I find another job.

Come on now, Tony, if you
don't think it's wrong,

why have you come
to me so troubled?

'Cause you owe 300 bucks.

Listen, I'm sorry, Father,

but Lou-Lou says
you're already overdue.

The money's got
to be paid today.

I don't have
the money!

I don't know
what I'm going to do.

Well, how did you let
this happen, Father?

I gave the locker room prayer
for the Giants that week.

The team looked so up
for the game,

I didn't see
how they could lose.

Especially with
the 14-point spread.

Father, isn't it illegal and
a sin to bet with a bookmaker,

even with the spread?

14 points.

Yes, I sinned...

and now I have to do penance.

I hate to do this.
Well, you...

But I don't
have any choice.

That's right.

This watch was a
personal gift to me

from the Archbishop.

Give it to Lou-Lou.

I can't do this, Father.

No, no, no. I made a mistake,
I should pay for it.

Forget about
the sentiment.

Nah, nah, you don't understand.
He only takes cash.

Perhaps if I spoke
to him personally.

Come on, I'll go with you
to give it to him.

No, he ain't going to take it,
Father, I'm telling ya.

I have faith, Tony.

I always put my faith
in the Lord.

Well, as long as you
don't put your faith

in the Giants again.

( knocking at door )

I'll-I'll talk to you later.

Come in.

Hey, Tony, you're
back from making

your collections
already, huh?

Yeah.
How'd it go?

Fine.

Good.

Who gave us the priest?

He's the one
who owes you

the $300 from the...
Get rid of him.

Yeah, but he wants
to talk to you about...

Tony, I don't want
to talk to no priest.

I don't want no
priest in my office.

Father, would you excuse me
for one second, okay?

Just a second.

( mutters )

Lou-Lou, he don't
have the money.

He came here to
give you a watch.

I don't want no watch.

When somebody
don't pay up,

it's your job to explain
those rules to them

by whatever means
available.

Father, you want
to come in here, please?

Hey, Father, I'm just gonna have
to pay up your debt myself.

I can't let
you do that.

No, no, Father, it's okay.

I'd rather do it this way.

Tony, Tony, don't be a sap.

All right, I can afford it
better than Tony can.

Give me the watch, Father,
and we're even.

It was given to me
by the Archbishop...

Yeah, yeah,
sure.

Thank you, Lou-Lou,
you're a good man.

I want you both to know

I'm never going
to gamble again.

Thank you, Tony.

Any time, Father.
See you later.

I can't believe
you took his watch.

I'm sure I will
treasure it forever.

Hey, uh, Lou-Lou, uh, I
don't want to mention this,

but you said I was
getting paid Friday

and today's Friday, and
I really need the money.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Here, congratulations.

So, uh, Elaine,
that makes you next.

Well, okay.

I went to work
as a secretary

for this large
corporation
downtown, right?

So, the first day the
personnel director

takes me to the office
and she just leaves me there.

So I'm sitting there
waiting for my boss,

wondering what he's
going to be like...

Are you Mr. Givens'
secretary?

Uh, yes. Hello, um, my name is
Elaine Nardo, and I...

Don't try to be
pleasant with me.

Is he in his office?

Uh, no, I-I'm sorry.

He's not in right now.

Well, then, perhaps
you'll be so kind

as to tell me where
that horse's rear end is.

He was supposed to be in my
office half an hour ago.

If Mr. Givens doesn't have
a good excuse this time,

he's fired.

Uh...

he's, uh... his car broke down.

Splendid, Miss Nardo.

I'm George Givens.

Welcome aboard.

You're Mr. Givens?

Why did you do that?

Ah, I was just
giving you

a little battlefield
experience.

It doesn't happen often,

but every once in awhile,
people look for me.

When they do,

it's very important
that I be somewhere else.

Why?

Sit down, Miss Nardo.

I've been working
for this company

for 23 years.

That is a record.

No one's been here
longer than I have,

and the reason
I've lasted so long

is because no one
quite knows who I am.

Oh, some people
know my face.

Some people know my name.

But very few of them
put them together.

My dearest friends
in this company

know me as
"what's-his-name?"

Come on, now--

isn't this a little
ridiculous, Mister...

You're right,
you are forgettable!

Thank you.

Over the years,

I've developed
a lot of techniques.

For instance, meetings

are my biggest challenge.

I slip in
with the crowd,

and I never say anything
except "Mm-hmm"

or "Mm-mmm."

And most importantly,

I laugh only after everyone
else starts laughing

and stop cleanly
before they stop.

Do you have any questions?

Yes... uh...

Mr. Givens, I don't know
much about business...

Oh, that
doesn't matter.

But, uh, I've read
some of your reports

and I think it's wonderful
what you've written.

You read my reports?
Yes.

What do you think, I write
those reports to be read?

But-but Mr. Givens,

I-I was so impressed.

You shouldn't be afraid
to speak out.

Mr. Givens, a man
with your experience

and-and your obvious
intelligence should be heard.

You shouldn't deprive others
of your ideas.

You really think so?

Oh, I know so.

I don't know,
I, uh...

it's been a long time

since I had that...

Well,
hello there.

Hi, how are you?

Good, good! Oh!

It's good
to see you.

Mr. Givens in?

Thank you for your illuminating
report, Mr. Barrett.

Good show, Jack.

Now, if there are
no other reports

I think we can adjourn
the meeting.

ELAINE:
Mr. Givens...

Mr. Givens, your ideas
are so much better

than anyone
else's here.

Please, Mr. Givens, this company
needs to hear from men like you.

Maybe tomorrow.

Mr. Givens?

What if they don't
like my ideas?

Maybe they'll fire me.

Oh, no, no, no.

The worst they'll do
is disagree with you.

Mr. Givens, if you don't
give your report today--

right now--

your 23 years
with this company

will come to nothing.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Who said that?

Who said that?

You said that.

I said that?
I said that.

Oh.

There's one more report.

Very well, uh,
the chair recognizes...

what's-his-name.

Mr. Givens!

Let me just summarize
what I've come to say.

I've been with this company
for 23 years now.

23 years?

Yes.

And I must admit,

I've seen some mistakes made--

not big mistakes--
little tiny ones.

Damn it, I've seen
big mistakes made.

I think I can
summarize my ideas

with one
simple word,

and that word,
gentlemen, is "divest."

Get rid of the movie theaters.

Cable television's
going to wipe them out.

Don't tell me about real estate.

Every yutz with ears
is into real estate.

Forget
South America.

You're not nervous
about South America?

I'm nervous about South America.

We don't need
burlap anymore.

Polyethylene's taking
over the market.

Sell the forests--

sell the coal fields,
sell the chemical companies.

Divest, gentlemen!

Divest yourselves
of everything

but the three
basics:

Nuclear weapons,
hospitals and T-shirts.

And, uh...

if I'm wrong about this,

my 23 years with this company
have come to nothing.

Thank you,
gentlemen.

Thank you for talking me
in off the ledge.

I am so sorry about this,
Mr. Givens.

It's all my fault.

You know...

it's the silliest thing.

All these years,

I've been so frightened
of being fired,

and now that
it's happened

it's far more hideous
than I imagined.

What a lovely
family you have.

Well, thank you,
but they're not mine.

Who are these people?

That picture came
with the frame.

Executives who don't have
families are talked about,

so I kept it on my desk.

I see.

I call the little boy Skipper.

Good choice.

He chipped a tooth
a couple of weeks ago.

The oldest girl
is married now.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Her husband drinks a little more
than I'd like him to...

I'm so sorry about this.

Well, that's over.

Good-bye.

( whispers )
Bye.

Miss Nardo...

could I buy you dinner?

I can still charge one last
big meal to my expense account.

Oh, um, Mr. Givens,

I don't know if I could do that
to a company that I work for.

Used to work for.

They fired you, too.

Let's break 'em.

Well, it's
your turn next.

Uh, I was a
door-to-door salesman.

It was nice
getting away

from the pressures
of driving a cab.

Forgetting for awhile
about red meaning stop

and green meaning go, oh!

In fact--

if it hadn't been for one thing,

I would've gone on
being a door-to-door salesman.

What was that?

I didn't like it.

( doorbell rings )

Uh... ( clears throat )

how do you do, Mr. or Mrs.
Fill-in-name-of-couple?

I, uh...

I'm your-name-here,

but you can
call me nickname.

Uh...

it's very nice to see you
this afternoon.

( clears throat )

Uh...

May I ask you

are you satisfied with
your present vacuum cleaner?

Well, ours hasn't been working
too well lately,

but I...
May I come in

and-and talk to you
about Magic Carpet Wizard?

Uh...

I suppose so, yes, okay.

Okay.

( laughs
nervously )

I did it, I got in!

I'm going to do
okay at this job.

Okay...

why don't you make
yourself comfortable?

Uh...

What you are about to see is a
revolutionary new carpet machine

that's more than a vacuum,
more than a shampooer

more than... something else.

It's... the Magic Carpet Wizard,

the all-purpose carpet cleaner.

( clears throat )

All right.

Oops, a little dirt.

Can your vacuum cleaner
clean that up?

Yes.

Of course it can--

but can it
clean up this?

Uh, well, I don't know...

Well, and ho...
and how about this?

Oh, no,
I don't think so.

And, uh, and, uh, this.

No.

Oh, no!
Oh, just leave
this in...

No.

And how
about this?

Ketchup!

Does this machine
clean up ketchup?
Oh!

We wouldn't call it
the Magic Carpet Wizard

if it didn't
perform miracles.
Oh!

Oh, oh, I...

I-I think I get...
I get the point!

I get the point!

Uh... uh... uh...

N-Now let me see
the machine clean it up.

First, let's make it tough.

( clears throat )

Here, a little bit of that.

Oh, no, no, wait, that's grease!

That's grease.

It ain't no problem
for the Wizard.

Okay, there.

Oh.

( muttering )

Let's grind it right in.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

( clears throat )

Now...

that's enough.

We are going to see this
cleaned up fast and easy.

Where do I plug this in?

Uh...

let's see...

Oh, there's-there's a...

Uh...

A book?

A book?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

I didn't get the vacuum job.

I'm selling encyclopedias.

Okay, you're
next, Latka.

What kind of a job
did you get?

Well, I would love
to tell you about it

but my break is over.

MAN:
Hey, come on, Latka,

there's lots of
tables to be cleaned.

Okay. "Come on, Latka, there's
a lot of tables to be cleaned."

You know, I-I would not
be offended by a tip.

( coins rolling )

Well, I would be by that one.

( Bobby and Tony muttering )

Come on,
give tip--

big tip.

Keep it coming.

ANNOUNCER:
Next week on Taxi...
the stories continue.

My God, what is that
in Corridor C?

What's creeping down the wall
in Corridor C?

Oh, my God!

Actually, I'm really an actor.

I was born dirty,
Mr. Gray...

and every day
I get dirtier...

and dirtier.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )