Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 17 - Bobby and the Critic - full transcript

After reading the newspaper and seeing another nasty review of a play by powerful critic, John Bowman, Bobby decides to compose a letter attacking Bowman, only to reconsider and throw it in the trash. When Louie recovers the letter and sends it to the newspaper, it unexpectedly creates positive buzz for Bobby and his acting career. Bobby now feels the pressure of having to perform his next play with Bowman in the front row.

( theme music playing )

Here it is.
Here it is.

What? What?

"Charles Darwin Tonight,
starring Bobby Wheeler."

We made enough money in
the first two weeks

of the show to run
an ad in the paper.

Ooh! Let me see!

"A one-man show based on the
life of Charles Darwin."

When I first read the script,
I said to myself,

"There's something
about this play

that I would go see."



What?

Me, alone on stage
for 90 minutes.

LOUIE:
90 minutes?!

I didn't know ham
could keep that long

under hot lights.

Food's here, guys.
Hey, hey!

Great!
We're starving!

All right!

I could use some
of that stuff.

Yeah.
Hey, you know what?

What?

They gave us
extra contest coupons.

What contest is that?
BOBBY:
Hey!

Oh, they give you a coupon
with every purchase.



If you get two coupons
that match,

you get the prize
that's in 'em.

Come on, tell me something.

Have you ever met,
or do you know, anybody

who's ever won one
of those contests?

I do.

Who?

Me. I have won.

I have a match.

( all cheering )

I won a complete
men's wardrobe.

Hey, congratulations, Latka.

Ooh! Is that the first time
you've ever won anything?

No. Once, in my country,
one year,

I won the prize in the lottery.

Oh, yeah? What'd you win--
money, Latka?

No, no. A fly swatter.

That's some lottery.

That doesn't sound
like much of a prize, Latka.

No, he was a good worker
and a very nice man.

Anyway, I got to go...

I got to go and pick
up my new threads.

See you, Latka.

( mutters ):
I don't believe this.

Did anybody happen to read
John Bowman's review

on Anouilh's
Thieves' Carnival

in this morning's paper?

No, I didn't.

Did you read the story...
about the woman...

who got her cat's head
stuck in her mouth?

No, Jim, I missed
that one.

Well...

( clears throat )

...let me find it
for you.

L-Let me do mine
first, okay?

John Bowman is one of
the biggest critics

in New York City,

and one of the worst,
if you ask me.

I mean, he hates
everything he sees.

I mean, the man
does not critique,

he humiliates.

He's not a reviewer,
he's an assassin.

Here, here, here, look, look.
Read this.

Read it for
yourself.

"A 30-millimeter cannon

"fired at the stage
during production

could not hit anything
worth saving."

Hey, I'd like to see that.

What time do they
shoot off the cannon?

"Forgettable as all
the performances may be,

"that of Patty Ganzel seems
to vanish before your eyes.

"Not only is
her acting suspect,

"but her appearance
is so horrifying

"that it should henceforth
be a felony

to yell 'Patty Ganzel'
in a crowded theater."

Ooh! Ouch!
Ow!

That is not
a nice review.

This is not a nice man.

But the terrible part is,
is he has power.

Hey, I saw this play,
and it wasn't that bad.

I mean, it needed work,
but it didn't need to be killed

and I know Patty,
and she doesn't deserve this.

But, Bobby, he's a critic,
so, uh, so what can you do?

I tell you exactly what
I can do.

I can write this guy a letter
and tell him what I think of him

as a critic
and as a human being.

All right, Bobby.

You know, better yet,

I'm going to write
the newspaper,

so everybody
can read it!

Ooh! Good idea!
I'm gonna get you some paper.

Oh, good.
Okay. All right.

Oh, boy, I'm gonna
tell 'em exactly...

Bobby, you really serious
about this thing?

You bet I am.

Well, then open up
on him, Bob.

No, no, you see, Tony,

I have to handle this
with some finesse.

You see, I don't want
to sink to his level.

Uh, Bobby?

Yeah?

"Slime wad" is two words.

Oh. Thanks.

My pleasure.

Okay, now. "Your reviews are..."

Listen, I really need
some, like, strong adjectives.

Uh, how about
"reprehensible"?

Oh, that's good.

"Indecent."

Perfect!

"Purple."

Not as close.

Ah.

Good.

TONY:
Good, good, yeah.

Yeah.

Signed,
"Robert L. Wheeler, an actor."

Boy, I'd hate to
get that letter.

That is very strong.

Yes, it is, and it's

a very angry letter
to a very powerful man, Bob.

Yes, and he is really gonna
know who you are after
he gets this letter.

I don't think I need "hate"
in this sentence.

Bobby, Bobby, don't
change nothing, man.

It's perfect.

This guy will go crazy
when he gets that letter.

You know, you're right.

I can't send this.

What are you doing?

Ah...

What are you doing?

I can't send this, Tony.

Bowman will have me
for breakfast.

Maybe someday,
when I'm a big star--

you know, then he
can't hurt me--

but right now,
I'm a struggling young actor

and I got to protect myself.

LOUIE:
Wheeler.

Let's drive.

I think you did
the smart thing, Bob.

I think you chickened out, Bob.

Tony, I didn't
chicken out.

That letter could have
cost me my career.

ALEX:
You did a smart
thing, Bob.
Iggy?

Yo.

Minus ten
and counting.

I can't do this.

It could ruin his career.

Fate.

Stop that!

What are you doing?

What are you dressed
like that for?

I won it
in the hamburger contest.

Get those things off.

Geez.

Hey, has anybody seen
today's paper yet?

No.
No, I didn't.

Did the lady get the cat's head
out of her mouth?

Come on, Jim,
who cares about that?

Well, I know a cat and a lady
who care plenty.

Come on,
what's in the paper?

Look at that, it's Bobby's
letter, he sent it in--

the one about John Bowman.

All right, Bobby.
He sent the letter.

He must have
changed his mind.

Yeah, it took a lot of courage
for him to send that one in.

Yeah, a whole lot of courage.

An incredible amount of courage.

It wasn't Bobby.

Nah, not him.

No. Somebody must have
gone through the trash can

and, uh, sent the letter
to the paper

without Bobby
knowing about it.

Ah, who could be so rotten?

( bell dings )

Louie, how could you?

Do you realize this could
cost Bobby his career?

Louie, could I talk to you
for a minute?

I kinda figured you'd wanna.

( cackling )

I kind of figured you'd do that,

so I came prepared
to get into that cage.

He's going to get in the cage--

this fortress--

he's going to get in.

No way.

This is hermetically
sealed, this cage.

All right.

All right, now,
don't come near me.

I mean it.

I'm going to get him
this time!

Nobody... nothing's
gonna stop me!

Hey, Bobby, it's your agent.

My agent's calling me?!

Okay, okay, Louie,
you stay right there.

Alex, come over here.

Take this.

Make sure he doesn't
slither out of there.

ALEX:
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Louie, you know, I've had it.

You've had enough.

You've really done it this time.

When you sent that letter in,
you went one step too far.

Here, Bob.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Listen, uh, about that letter.

It was a big mist...

Real... Really?!

Hey, well, that's really
nice of you to say.

That's, uh...

Well, yeah, I guess it did
take a little courage to send it

but I've had that guy
up to here,

you know what I mean?

And you know what?

I'm going to send him
another one!

Yeah! Yeah!

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Talk to you again sometime.

That was my agent.

He called me.

He liked the letter
that I wrote to John Bowman.

Whoo-hoo!

That's not the only call
you got this morning, Bob.

What are you talking about?

I'm afraid my little scheme
backfired on me.

I've been taking messages
for you all morning--

all of them from people
congratulating you

on the stand you made.

Yeah?

Yep. Here's one
from your union president.

"Tell him
we're proud of him."

Here's another one--

"...a credit
to our profession."

Here's one
from a repertory company.

"We wish we had the guts
to do it."

Look at that.

Holy...!

There's some
really big names here.

Oh, wow!

Now I'm a hero and
great-looking.

I'm proud of you, Bobby.

You pounded that guy. Oh!

And that is not all.

What, what, what?

I got one here
from your producer,

who said to tell you that
because of your letter

and the attention
that it's drawn,

ticket sales have gone crazy.

All right!

( whooping )

Hey, I may even
get paid this week.

ALEX:
It paid off
this time, eh?

And...
What?

I saved the best
for last.

What?

Your producer also told me
to tell you

that a certain very special VIP

called personally

and asked for tickets
for your show for tonight.

To see me?

Especially to see you.

Ooh! Who is it?

Guess.

Oh, come on, Louie,
I can't guess.

Is it somebody,
like, real big?

I mean, come on,
give me a hint.

Big name.
Big name, Bob.

Oh, come on.

Big.

Please, please,
tell me, tell me.

No, no, no, no,
you gotta guess.

No, no, no...

no, you gotta guess.

No! All right,
I'll give you hints.

Oh, oh, good, good,
good, good.

Okay, all right,
listen.

Are you ready?
Yeah. Yah-huh.

Good.

Two.

Oh, uh, two words.

Two, uh, names.

Uh, first name.

Sign.

Uh, rest rooms.

Uh... From Here To Eternity.

Jim, Jim--
shh, shh, shh.

Wait. Wait.

John?

Right.

All right!

Uh, second name.

Bing!

Arrow.

Oh, oh--

Robin Hood.

Uh, The Magnificent Seven.

Jim, Jim, shh. Wait.

Uh, okay. Uh, John. John.

John Archer. John Shooter.

John...

Bowman.

BOBBY:
Bowman!
Right!

John Bowman!

John Bowman the critic
is coming to see me?

Oh, it's John Bowman!

John Bowman...

The guy I insulted

is coming to review me
and rip me limb to limb.

Oh, God.
Bing.

For my own part,
I'd as soon be descended

from that heroic little monkey

who braved his
most dreaded enemy

to save the life of his keeper,

as from a savage

who delights
to torture his enemies,

practices infanticide
with no remorse,

knows no decency...

and is haunted
by the grossest superstitions.

( crowd cheering )

Coffee will be served
during the intermission

in the lobby.

Hey, Bob,

that was...

A disaster.

No, Bobby.

The play stinks.

I stink.

Oh, come on, Bob.

Oh, no, oh,
Bowman hates it.

Bowman hates it,
and I bet you

he is loving
hating it, too.

Bobby.

That was great.

That was just great.

You know, this is the first time
I ever see it

and I don't know
why everybody say

it is too long and boring.

You know, I enjoyed it

and to me, I think
it was just right.

Well, there's a second
act coming up, Latka.

Not for me,
there isn't.

Eh, good-bye.
Good-bye.

Bobby... it's going great--

better than the last time.

Jim laughed through
the whole first act.

Look, guys, I know
what you're doing

and I really appreciate it

but I know a bomb
when I've been hit by one.

Ha! You crazy guy.

Charles Darwin, eh?

( guffawing )

Loony!

Thanks, Jim.
I'm glad you liked it.

Hey, listen,
if you guys don't mind,

I got to get myself
together, here.

Oh, yeah.

I age 40 years
in this thing.

Yeah, I guess it feels
that way, huh?

No, Darwin is 40 years
older in Act Two.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Let's, um... we better
get outta here. Come on.

They're gonna start
the second act.

Come on,
let's get to our seats.

Just a sec.

Uh, Bobby?

Hmm?

Can I borrow your comb?

Sure.

Uh, Jim,

why don't you just keep it?

Oh.

Thanks.

Okay, Bob.

Alex?

Yeah?

This is the worst night
of my entire life.

Oh, no, Bob. Bob.

You're doing great.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

( sighs )

( grunts )

( audience applauding )

We will now discuss,
in further detail,

the struggle for existence.

( Jim laughing hysterically )

You know,you were
very, very good tonight.

No, I wasn't, Elaine.

I stunk tonight.

Oh, come on, Bob.
Stop being so hard
on yourself.

Hey, Bobby,
I think you were great.

I mean, in that second act,
you were sweating like a pig.

I've never, never, never
seen anybody sweat like that.

That's what I call talent.

Well, unfortunately,
the only thing

that matters
is what Bowman thinks

and he's going
to rip me to shreds.

ALEX:
Aw, come on.

Oh, my God.

John Bowman just
walked in the door.

Don't look.

Jim!

Why would he be here?

Well, maybe he's come
to kill me with his bare hands.

( low, indistinct speaking )

Mr. Wheeler?

Uh, yes.

They told me at the theater
I could find you here.

My name is John Bowman

or, as you referred
to me in your letter:

"The carbuncle on the butt
of the American theater."

Mr. Carbuncle?

My name's Jim Ignatowski.

Could I speak to you
for a moment in private?

Sure!

Will you all excuse us

for a couple of minutes?

Right this way, bunky.

Jim! Jim, Jim, Jim,
he's talking to me.

Oh. Gee, I feel kind of silly.

Is he the playwright?

Right over here.

To be perfectly honest,
Mr. Wheeler,

I went to
the theater tonight,

expecting-- and hoping--
to hate everything I saw.

I was disappointed.

You mean you liked the play?

Are you insane?

That play is
an excellent argument

for dying young.

Then what did you
like about it?

I thought your performance
was engaging and energetic...

and, uh, courageous.

Here. It's all here
in my review.

"One of the most
promising young actors

"to emerge this season...

"...triumphs over
impossible material...

"He made me feel optimistic

about off-off-Broadway
theater again."

Mr. Bowman...

this is amazing.

I have to apologize

for everything that I
said in that letter.

For you to come here
and show me this...

...well, uh,
I'm overwhelmed.

And people are
going to know

that you have
a lot of integrity

when this comes out
in the newspaper
in the morning.

Well, too bad it's not going
to come out in the newspaper.

What-what-what...
what are you doing?

This is what you should have
done with your letter.

You see, Mr. Wheeler,

a bad review
could make you a hero.

A good review
could make you a star.

No review
will keep you anonymous

and you can keep on acting
in church basements

and supermarket openings,
and your own mirror

for the rest of your life.

Well, I enjoyed seeing you,
Mr. Wheeler.

Ah, I've had
a wonderful evening.

Hold it. Hold it. Now...

you mean you came here
to show me this good review

just to tear it up in my face?

Well, that's the cruelest thing
I've ever seen.

Thank you.

BOBBY:
Please, reconsider.

I'll tape it back together.

What am I doing?

I'm on my knees,
here on the floor,

groveling in dirt and beer,
and for what?

Because of what you think of me?

Well, that's crazy.

The only thing that matters

is what I thought
of my performance tonight.

( grumbles )

Right!
Right on, Bob!

( all talking )

Hey! That's the Bobby
of old, baby!

Bobby, the only thing
that matters is your opinion.

Right,
and you thought you stunk!

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )