Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 14 - Louie's Mother - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Hey, Elaine,
it still raining out?

No. They opened a fire hydrant,
and I've been playing in it.

Oh.

Avast, you lubbers!

What a beautiful day it is.

It's coming down
buckets out there.

The weatherman said

it's going to last
all day long, ha-ha!

You like the rain, boss?

I love the rain, Iggy!



You know why I love the rain?

No, boss. Why, boss, why?

I love the rain

because when it rains
nobody walks.

What is it I always say?

What happens
when it showers?

( drivers grumbling )

Come on. Come on.

What happens when it showers?

ALL:
Big bookings are ours.

And what happens when it rains?

ALL:
Monetary gains.

This is fun.

What happens
when it drizzles?



Shut up, Ignatowski.

What an ear for poetry
that man has.

All right, I've got
an announcement to make here.

All right, attention.

Listen up, here.

I have a personal announcement
to make.

I put my mother in a rest home

so I am having a lavish party
at my now bachelor pad

and none of you cab drivers
are invited.

Oh, you're breaking
our hearts, Lou.

I'm really sorry
that none of you can make it.

What time
should I be there, Louie?

Any time
you want, Latka.

As soon
as you get there

I'm throwing
your foreign butt

down the stairs.

Well, in that case,
I might be a little late.

I can't
believe it, Louie.

I just can't believe
you would celebrate

putting your mother
in a home.

Hey, Rieger, it's not easy

living with your mother
all these years.

There's no privacy

and every day
it's the same thing--

"Louie, eat your dinner."

"Louie, turn down
the television."

"Louie, don't use the doilies

to clean the beer
off your chin."

So what kind of rest home
is your mom in?

Got me.

You mean you didn't even
take her there?

Well, I-I-I took her there.

Not right to the door,
I mean.

You mean you didn't go in
and check the place out?

What the hell do I look like,
Mike Wallace?

I mean,
what's the big deal?

It's a rest home.

( belches )

All right, all right, now

why don't you consumer advocates

line up
for your cab assignments.

( grumbling )

There's a city full
of mildewing people out there

just dying
to snuggle up next to you.

Banta, 599.

Rieger...

Okay, Lou.

Say sevenish?

What are you
talking about?

You know, the-the party.

Dress nice.

What on earth would make me go
to a party of yours?

Hold it.

The way I figure it, Rieger,

you're the only guy
in this garage

who won't embarrass me
in front of my friends.
Oh.

And-- let me tell you this--

this is going to be a bash.

Huh?

I'm talking about wild.

Let me give you a little tip.

Make sure you don't have
any holes in your shorts,

if you know what I mean.

You know something, Lou?

I can't believe this,

but I'm actually tempted
to go to that party.

Mmm...

I mean, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but it's sort of
a nagging curiosity in me.

You know that kind
of morbid curiosity

when you pass a car wreck,
you just got to slow down.

Or when you have
a sore in your mouth

you put your tongue
against it

so you know it hurts.

Or when you have
a container of milk

that you know
has gone sour.

You just got to smell it
before you throw it away.

I can't wait either.

All right.

Here's another one,
here's another one.

Orson Welles's necktie.

( door bell buzzes )

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, it's not the cops.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Louie.

All right,
keep it down, guys.

I got
an introduction to make.

Alex, this is Lyle,

Huey, and Daytona Dave.

Have a seat, Alex.

I'll get you a brew.

What did I miss?

No, no. You leave the room,
you got to pay the price.

Boy, the stories
were just flying around here

a minute ago.

Hey, Lyle,

tell Alex the one
about how you woke up

in the morning and your gums

were bleeding.

No, no, no, that's okay.
That's okay.

Don't be repetitious
on my account.

So...

how did, uh... you guys...

ever get together?

You know...

you know how a crowd

always gathers around
on the street

to watch when some guy's
had a heart attack?

We were the last ones to leave.

The ties that bind.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Thank you.

Got to go.

Where you going?

We got another party.

Well, listen,
I hope they have a couch.

Come on, guys.

The evening's young.

It's the shank
of the evening.

It's only 7:30.

Well, if you insist.

Thanks for dropping by.

We ought to do this more often.

Keep smiling.

Boy!

What an evening!

Oh, gosh, it's great
to know guys

you can get silly with
like that.

I'm probably not going
to remember

any of this in the morning.

Are they the only ones
that showed up, Lou?

Well, uh...

I thought a few more people
would come, but...

um...

Hey, I know what we need here.

A little music.

Ma's got a ton of records
over here.

No, thanks, Lou.

You feel like
a little Jerry Vale?

Uh, no.
Thanks, Lou.

I've been listening to him
all day.

Well, look, Lou,
I really got to go.

So soon?

Yeah.

Come on, stick around
for a little bite to eat.

No, that's all right.

Come on. Here.

Here, I'll heat it up.

No, thanks, Lou.

I'd really better shove off.

How about a little TV?

Come on.

No, no... Louie, I don't...
I don't really want to watch TV.

You don't like being here alone,
do you, Louie?

What, are you kidding?

I've been waiting for this
all my life, Rieger.

I love being alone.

Louie...

you miss your mother, don't you?

Get off it, Rieger.

I don't miss her.

I think about her a lot.

Who wouldn't think about her

with all the junk
she left around here?

Look at this stuff.
Geez!

Look. This stupid tea cup.

( tenderly ):
Her little shawl.

She left her little shoes here.

Look at her little shoes, Alex.

No, no.

One shoe.

Come on.

No.

I'm really sorry
I brought her up, Lou.

Yeah.

Well, you're right.

I've been trying to hide it...

but I admit it.

I miss her.

I wish she was here.

Why don't you
call her up?

Tell her to come home.

No, no, no.

You don't understand.

I lied about that, too.

It was her idea to leave.

Oh.

We had that same old argument
we always have.

She burned my dinner.

I called her a name,
she called me a name

and then I hid her teeth.

You hid her teeth?

Yeah. Next thing I know

she's walking
out the door saying,

( lisps: )
"So long."

She never left me before.

If anybody's
going to do any calling

it's going to be her

because a man never begs.

Ma taught me that.

( playing off-key )

I lost ma.

( plays wrong notes )

Look, Lou, I was thinking
about stopping off at Mario's

on the way home for a nightcap.

You want to come along?

Look, Rieger,
I don't want your pity.

If you're inviting me out

like a guy invites his buddy
for a drink, that's okay,

but if you're doing this
out of pity,

well, let's forget it.

It's pity, Lou.

Well, a beer's a beer.

Aw, Louie...

you look terrible.

What are you staring at?

Get your stupid eyes off me.

Hey, Lou...

you okay?

What, are you
kidding, Rieger?

I'm on top of the world,
sitting on a rainbow.

You been, uh,
spending a lot of time

with those friends
of yours lately?

No.

Lyle shot Huey.

He shot him?

Yeah. It was an accident.

He just wounded him.

Oh.

Six times.

Must put a strain
on their friendship.

Come on, Rieger,
leave me alone, huh?

All right. All right.

Hi, Latka.

Louie.

Yeah?

It is ten minutes
past the hour.

I know.

But that means I am late.

Yeah.

Louie...

yesterday I snuck out early.

Oh?

Also, I figured out

a way of getting coffee
from the machine

without paying money.

Louie, are you
listening to me?

Hey, uh,
a nice suit you're wearing.

Maybe it will come
back in style.

Is, is, is that a nose,
your nose

or are you sucking
on the banana?

I don't want to say
you're ugly, but you know...

Don't press your luck, Latka.

Okay, Louie.

I'm sorry.

Boy, I was cooking.

Louie's in bad shape.

Listen, you guys,
you know, uh...

his mother is
the only friend he has.

( crying softly )

Hey, what do you guys say

that we invite him
for a game of cards?

Are you nuts?

Come on, Bobby, it will help him
take his mind off his mother.

I don't want to.

Come on.
Come on, it wouldn't even hurt
to just invite him this once.

Okay, okay.

You guys can do
what you want,

but I'm playing this game
under protest.

Hey, Lou...

Hey, Louie, how would
you like to come over

and have a game of cards
with us, huh?

( crying )

You want me to play cards
with you?

Yeah, yeah.

Look, we're kind of worried
about you, Lou,

so, uh, come on.

All right. Sure.

Sure, I'll join you.

Okay.

Look, Lou, do me a favor,
would you,

and don't mention anything
about your mother, okay?

Okay. She's forgotten.

Come on.

Leave the shoe here,
Lou.

All right.

Jeff, you watch the cage
for me here.

I'm going to go play cards
with the guys.

I was invited.

That's nice,
Lou.

Come on, Louie.
And keep your eye
on the shoe.

Okay.

I was invited to play cards
with the guys.

Congratulations, boss.

ALEX:
Come on, Lou.

TONY:
Come on, Lou.
Right here, baby.

Best seat,
right there.

Five card draw
is the game.

Ooh, I love five card draw.

That's my favorite game.

This is going to be fun.

Yeah, that's right.

Jacks
or better now.

BOBBY:
Okay. Ante up,
everybody-- a nickel.

Oh, good, Bob.

Oh!

I open for a nickel.

All right,
I'll see that.

Oh, excuse me, Lou.

I just want to get
a cup of coffee.

All right, Alex.

Okay, I see your nickel,
and I raise you a nickel.

Ooh!
This is exciting!

I have to get out.
Boy, that's it.

Well, I see you...

Oh, good. All right.

Well, I'm in with you.

Okay.
Where are we?

Uh, a nickel to you, Alex.

Who raised Louie?

Who raised Louie?

Ma raised Louie.

That's it.

( sobbing: )
Ma raised me.

Louie, I want
to talk to you.

Louie, I want to talk to you.

Louie, you're becoming
a sniveling, weepy

obnoxious boob

and I'm getting
sick of it.
Do you hear me?

Now, look, if you want your
mother, go and get your mother,
but don't just stand there!

Louie, Louie,
come here. Come here.

I want to show you...
I want to show you something.

Come here. I want
to show you yourself.

Look in that mirror.

Look at that.

That's you.

Is that me?

Yeah, that's you!

I'm a boob!

That's not me.

That's not the way
I handle things.

Oh, yes, it is.

( growling )

That's me.

That's me.

I'm going to do it.

I'm gonna stand on my feet
and fight.

All right.

Get ready, world.

Louie De Palma is back.

Latka, I'm docking you
a week's pay.

And nobody ever ask me

to play cards again.

Louie De Palma
does not play cards with losers.

And, Rieger...

the next time you lay
a hand on me,

you're history.

Now, if you'll all excuse me,
I'm going to get my mommy.

Ma, it's me, Louie.

MA:
Louie?

Yeah.

Ma... yeah, I come
to take you home.

Look, come on.

Hey, I'm fed up
with this nonsense.

You don't belong here.

You belong home with me.

Now come on,
open this door.

Open it up
or I'm going to break it down.

( Ma speaking Italian )

Oh, yeah?

Well, hum a few bars
of this, crazy lady.

What's the matter
with you?

You never seen a man
visiting his mother before?

Get out of here.

Come on, look.

All right,
let's talk this over.

I mean, what's the big deal
about the fight we had?

I mean, we always fight.

( speaking Italian )

Called you a bad name?

What bad name
did I call you?

( recites list of
names in Italian )

It slipped out.

Look... look, Ma, come on home.

Come on.

I promise we won't fight
anymore.

Ma, when you're not there,
it's so quiet

I can hear the toilet running.

I'm sorry for getting mushy.

( speaking Italian )

Aw, Ma, what are you
talking about

I should get married?

I'm not ready to get married.

Besides, who would want
to marry me?

Elaine Nardo.

Well, I, I know I told you
that she's nuts about me,

but... but she's
a little overeager.

Well, Susan Anton.

You know, well,
I haven't closed that door yet.

What am I talking about here?

Ma, I got to be honest
with you here.

All those women...
I'm always telling you about

that are after me...

I'm making that up, Ma.

I'm a lonely man, Ma.

I need you there.

( speaking Italian )

If I come home,
will you be nice to me?

For a while.

Okay, Louie,
I'll go home.

( coughing )

All right, all right,
all right.

Come on, come on.

Ma, you shouldn't be
carrying that suitcase

with your bad hand.

Here.

Come on, Ma.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )