Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Costume Party - full transcript
The gang crash a party which they believe is occupied by famous actors.
( theme music playing )
May I have your attention,
please?
God knows, I hate to interrupt
the important conversations
I know you're all having,
but someone special
is retiring today
after 41 years
with Sunshine Cabs.
These are the last receipts
that will ever be turned in
by our old friend Maxie...
What is that, "Mulch"?
Mulcher?
Melcher.
Terrible handwriting.
Nerves go first, huh, Maxie?
Anyway, it's customary,
when a person retires
to present them
with a little gift
to help them keep track
of the time.
So here you are, Maxie,
a lovely calendar depicting
12 different scenes
of American highways.
Use it in good health.
Thank you.
You know, a lot of you...
Rodriguez, 993.
Murphy...
Louie...
Beat it, Max.
Look, uh, Jeff,
if anybody wants me,
I'll be in the library.
Just act natural
and don't make a fuss
over this.
Over a briefcase?
This isn't any
briefcase, Elaine.
I was cruising
the Broadway District,
like I do on Thursdays,
you know, hoping
to make a contact.
The guy I picked up
left this in the back
of the cab, right?
And I was thinking that maybe
there's a chance this guy
might be important
in the theater, you know?
Oh, and he's going to
owe you a favor
for returning this, right?
Hey, Elaine, you know,
there are a lot of ways
to make it in the theater,
and if being nice
is one of them,
I'm willing to give it a shot.
Beautiful thought, Bob.
Beautifully put.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up?
Shh. I don't want Louie
to know about this.
I found it in
the back of my cab.
You have that, too, huh?
I'm always finding stuff
people leave behind--
old magazines, gloves, meat...
Meat?
Not good meat-- chewy.
Oh.
Jim, sit down.
Anyway, if I'm going
to return this
I got to get it unlocked
to find out
who it belongs to,
but I've been trying,
and I can't do it.
I thought the rule was,
anything you find in a cab,
you got to turn in to Louie.
Anything that goes
into Louie's cage
vanishes from
the face of the earth.
Yes, with the definite exception
of Louie himself.
Hey, you know what? There are
initials on this-- N.Z.
Norman Zelnick!
My God.
Who's Norman Zelnick?
I was hoping
one of you would know.
Geeze.
All right, so I guess we're just
gonna have to bust it open, huh?
No, no, no, Tony.
I don't want to
ruin the case.
Ooh... Latka's a mechanic.
He's got to have something
that can open this.
Yeah, that's right.
Latka, come here.
What?
Take a look at this case.
You think you can open it?
Oh, sure, I can.
I have just the right tool.
Give him a chance,
give him a chance.
( yelling )
Latka!
What the hell is this, Iwo Jima?
What's going on here?
Louie, Louie, I found
this briefcase
in the back of my cab
and you're not getting it.
Well, why don't you open it
and find out whose it is?
Oh, you think
it's that easy, huh?
Well, I've been trying,
I been trying and I
can't do it.
I'll open it for you.
Yeah, what makes you
think you can open it?
Ten bucks, Wheeler.
All right, ten bucks.
Easy to come by.
Do your worst.
Pleasure doing business
with you.
All right.
Come on, come on.
Okay, okay...
you ain't getting anything
that's in there, Louie.
What? What?
What? What?
Come on, now,
you got your money.
Now, get out of here.
Go! Shoo! Shoo!
Scram, mush, mush!
All right! Okay!
Calm down! Calm down!
( scoffs )
( unintelligible muttering )
I can't.
You can't what?
I got... I got to have
something out of
that briefcase.
BOBBY:
Louie...
I got... I got
to, please!
Louie, you get
out of here, Louie...
No, I mean it, Wheeler,
I mean it.
Get out of here.
Uh, Bob,
I think he's serious.
He needs this.
He's not like us.
Just anything, Wheeler,
anything.
Anything.
All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right.
( indistinct whispers )
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Okay.
Huh?
( gasps )
Oh!
A pen!
Good.
Good. Hey, Iggy!
Look, I got a pen.
Eh...
Yeah.
Good, good.
( cackling )
I've never seen
a human being
experience such joy.
A human being couldn't.
TONY:
Looks like the guy
who owns this
is a pretty rich dude.
Hey... ( chuckles )
I may have
hit the jackpot.
I don't know
who this guy is.
Let's see.
But he's got a picture
of Stephen Sondheim.
Oh, let me see.
That's Stephen Sondheim?
Yeah, the guy
on the left.
I don't recognize
the other guy.
Maybe that's Norman Zelnick.
Hmm.
There isn't any
Norman Zelnick.
Wait, Bobby.
I've heard that name before.
Oh, my gosh!
Look at this!
It's a picture
of Paul Newman!
Hey, yeah, and the guy
up here is the same guy
as the picture down here.
Whose briefcase
this must be.
This is fun.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What are we doing here?
Are we trying to find out
the name of the guy
who owns this,
so we can give
it back to him
or are we just
snooping through
his briefcase?
We're just snooping
through his briefcase.
And loving every minute of it.
Whoa, look what I got here--
his appointment book.
All right!
Ooh!
BOBBY:
Oh, wow, look at that.
"Tuesday, lunch,
L. Strasberg."
That's Lee Strasberg.
"Wednesday,
lunch, Liza."
Minnelli.
Doesn't say.
Got to be.
Wow, he's having lunch
with somebody famous
every day this week.
( chuckling ):
Oh, look at this.
He knows Cary Grant--
an autographed picture.
Oh, wow.
Who do you figure
this guy is?
I don't know.
Maybe he's an agent,
maybe a producer.
Or maybe a real estate
salesman.
"Neal Zacherman."
BOBBY:
Uh-huh.
"Zacherman Real Estate."
He sells real estate.
Well...
What's he doing with all these
pictures of celebrities?
I don't know. He must, uh,
specialize in famous people.
Sorry, Bobby.
( scoffs )
Well, what's he doing the
rest of the week, Elaine?
I don't know.
I'm starting to
feel real funny
about looking
through this.
Ah...
I mean, it is private
property, you know?
Aah...
So one more.
Okay. All right.
"Woody's costume party,
Saturday night."
That's it.
That's it.
That's one of Woody Allen's
famous parties.
He throws them once a year.
It's a tradition...
All the biggest celebrities
in the world show up there.
Yeah, biggies,
like Neal Zacherman, hmm?
No, no, Alex.
Nah...
Really big stars, too.
I didn't read
about it in
the paper.
Well, it's not in the papers.
It's a secret.
He wants to keep out
the crashers.
Oh! You know,
except for
the people
who are invited to
this party, I mean,
we may be the
only ones who
know about it.
That's very likely.
Yeah.
Scarlett O'Hara.
I'll be Cyrano.
Yeah!
Let's do it.
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
Alex, this is perfect.
What's perfect?
It's a costume party.
Nobody's going to know
who anyone is.
It'll be great.
Yes!
Yes!
If you get caught,
you're gonna look foolish.
It's worth the risk.
( groans )
Aw, hey, come on, Alex?
TONY:
Come on, Alex.
ELAINE:
Yeah!
Huh?
This could really
help my career.
I mean, this place is going
to be contact city.
Yeah!
Listen, if it's
so important
to you, go ahead.
What do you
need me for?
Well, if you go, that
means it's not so nuts.
So, the only way you're not
gonna look as crazy as you are
is if I look
as crazy as you are?
I think so.
Well, as persuasive
as that argument is,
I don't want to go.
BOBBY:
Oh, come on!
I mean, what am I
going to wear?
I'll fix you a costume.
Yeah!
Oh, come on.
TONY:
Hey, Elaine, would you
fix one for me, too?
Sure.
And me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll fix you all three up.
Come on, Alex,
what do you say?
Come on, Alex.
Would you go?
It's ridiculous.
Oh! You're a drip.
Oh, you mean, if I go
to this one party
it's gonna save me
from Dripdom?
That's right.
Yeah.
What do you say?
BOBBY:
Come on.
What do I say?
Come on!
( indistinct voices )
I'll tell you what I say.
I say, let's go to Woody's.
( all cheering )
ALEX:
Let's go to Woody's!
OTHERS:
Let's go to Woody's!
ALEX:
Let's go to Woody's!
ALL:
Let's go to Woody's!
Come on!
Let's go
to Woody's!
Let's go to Woody's!
Let's go to Woody's!
Let's go to Woody's!
What's the matter?
Louie... in the
name of God,
you're not thinking of going
to this thing, are you?
You're gonna ruin it
for all of us, Louie.
Of course, I'm going
to this thing!
I'm going to meet
a few celebrities.
ALEX:
Ah, no, you're not.
I'll get some free food...
take home a couple of autographs
with my new pen.
Aw, thanks, Louie.
Thanks.
Bye.
LOUIE:
Sounds like my
kind of evening.
Hey, wait a minute.
What are we worried about?
Louie doesn't know
where the party is.
The location is right
here in the book, right?
Oh...
Which is now
in the briefcase
back on its way
to its owner, so...
if nobody tells Louie
where the party is,
that means Louie
can't go to the party.
TONY ( chuckling ):
That's right.
( laughs )
Too bad, Lou.
Yeah. We'll tell you
all about it afterwards.
ALEX:
Right.
Bye-bye, Lou.
BOBBY:
I'll give
your regards
to Woody.
Bye-bye, Louie.
ALL:
We're going to Woody's.
We're going to Woody's...
( Dixieland music playing )
I don't believe it.
We just walked straight in.
( sighs )
I'm so nervous,
I can't breathe.
Okay, now just relax.
The worst is over.
We're in.
( laughs )
Isn't this incredible?
What a great place
to have a party,
on a boat.
I know! Only Woody Allen
would think of this.
Hey, you don't mind,
I'm just going to go
and mingle a little bit,
you know?
Oh, no, no, no.
Me, too.
Kind of feel out
the territory, you know.
( laughs ) Just
act unimpressed.
That's impossible.
Hey. It's the Andrews Sisters.
( chuckling ):
Hey.
You guys look great.
How'd you know
it was us?
Just a wild guess.
You know, when-when
Elaine told us
about these costumes
uh, Alex, he thought it
was going to look stupid.
( scoffs )
Well, I'm not
too big a man
to admit that I was right.
Look at this party.
Ain't it worth it? Huh?
It is fabulous.
And wait till you
taste the food. It's great!
And they got one of the best
bands playing in there
I've ever heard.
Well, I have to admit,
it's a long way
from beer and pretzels...
( indistinct voices )
Oh, my God!
They hit Pearl Harbor again?
Wait a minute.
I know who you are.
Latka...
Uh, Tony...
and Barbra Streisand.
No, Jim, this is a
costume party, remember?
You were supposed
to wear an outfit.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
( clearing throat )
I look wigged out, huh?
So come on, tell me.
Who's famous here?
Oh, everybody, man.
Before you guys came in,
I heard some people talking.
And they had to be Diane Keaton
and Truman Capote.
Nah...
Man, this is just too good
to stand here.
I got to mingle.
Me, too.
Point me
to the starlets.
Uh, shall we, Laverne?
Okay, Maxine.
Hey.
Hey, uh, Patty?
Come on, I'll get you a drink.
( stifled yell )
I couldn't help myself.
What are those?
Oh, they're Dramamine.
See, I get a little
seasickness on boats.
This boat is
tied to the pier, Bob.
Yeah-yeah, I know, but it's
the motion that gets to me.
Oh.
( pills rattling )
What are you taking
there, Bobby?
Oh, these are for seasickness.
You want one?
No, thanks.
I'm already a little seasick.
But don't go away.
It might wear off.
Oh, Alex, I just
came by to tell you
I'm having
such a terrific time
and that
your seams are crooked.
Huh?
Oh.
How's that?
Much better.
Alex.
Huh?
Whoo!
Elaine, why are you
in such a hurry?
Oh, uh, well, I-I met this
guy, and we're dancing.
Hey, hey, Elaine, Elaine...
who-who is this guy?
Do-Do you think he might
be somebody famous?
Oh, Bobby, I don't
want to tell you.
'Cause you're gonna think
I'm crazy, but he's Al Pacino.
Well, I mean,
his name is Al, right?
And I've seen all
of Pacino's movies,
and the voice could be his.
Oh, boy, Elaine.
We're a little
star-struck,
are we?
Well, just...
Hey, uh, can
I meet him?
( giggles )
Sure. Come on.
Oh, good.
Whoa!
You again.
Everywhere I go, he's there.
( Dixieland jazz plays )
What a party!
Huh?
You'll never guess
who's here.
He's headed this way.
Who?
TONY:
That's Henry
Kissinger.
You can't miss
that voice.
( whispers ):
The Lone Ranger?
Wow. He's a
great man, Tony.
I know.
I'm really getting
impressed now.
That guy was the
Secretary of State.
He won the Nobel
Peace Prize.
I've heard he was
always good to Tonto.
I was getting
to that, Jim.
BOBBY:
Alex! Tony!
Yeah.
Hey, Bob.
Hey, Bobby,
what's the matter?
I just found out Hal Prince
is at this party.
Who's Hal Prince?
He's one of the biggest
directors on Broadway, Tony.
Are you sure
it's him?
Oh, yeah.
I overheard this girl
talking to a walrus,
and she called
him Mr. Prince.
Oh, Alex, how can I meet him?
You could take him a fish.
Bobby, he doesn't know
you're not supposed to be here.
Just go up to him
and introduce yourself
and have a little... chat.
Hey.
Casually.
Hey, that's really
good, Alex.
So...
Just-just go up to him
( stammers ):
and introduce myself
and talk to him casually.
Hey, that's really great.
( mumbles )
Hey, Alex, you just
been standing around.
I mean, come on.
Let's mix.
Let's rub elbows
with the biggies.
I don't know, Tony.
What, Alex?
What's wrong?
I've been wondering
about something.
I mean, why is it we have
this group of people
that we set off
from ourselves?
You know, we call them
famous people.
We treat them better,
we treat them special.
We get excited when we're
in the same room with them.
What makes them so special?
I know exactly what
you're saying, Alex.
And I bet there's plenty
of famous people
that nobody even
knows about.
We have to talk like this
more often, Tony.
Hey, Bobby, did
you meet Hal Prince?
Oh, yeah, kind of.
I threw up on him.
Might have given "Hi.
Nice party" a try first, Bob.
I'm never going to work
in show business again.
Oh, I feel like going home.
ELAINE:
Bobby, what did you
do to that walrus?
Look, everybody.
Look what I got. Look here.
What do you
got there,
Latka?
I got autographs.
What?
Autographs.
Latka, that's the worst
possible thing you could do.
Celebrities don't
ask other celebrities
for their autographs.
Bobby, that's okay.
Take it easy.
Elaine, do you realize
what this means?
Hal Prince is
going to find out
that the guy that threw up
on him snuck in here to do it.
I don't care
what you say.
You can yell at
me all you want,
but I got the autographs
from famous people.
Yeah, well,
who'd you get, Latka?
Well... Look.
First... first here
is George Hanson.
It says, "Best wishes
to my buddy, Latka."
And next here is, uh...
"Nice costume, Latka."
Signed... is
signed by Fran
Petricini.
"Here's looking
at you, Latka.
Gus Bates."
Who are these people?
Well, there
is Gus Bates
over there
in the Lone
Ranger outfit.
You know, suddenly,
I'm not so sure
we are where
we think we are.
Boy, I know
that feeling.
This explains something
I heard earlier.
I heard somebody said
that they were in the Pacific
with this guy Woody
during World War II.
I figured they meant
he was entertaining the troops.
Woody Allen
would have been
about four years old
in World War II.
I didn't know when he got
started in show business.
So, who are
these people, then?
Friends of Neal
Zacherman's.
Yeah, probably a bunch
of real estate people.
Mm-hmm.
That means I didn't throw up
on Hal Prince. ( chuckles )
You're still young.
Come on, let's get
out of this place.
Come on, let's
go have a beer.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
That's a good idea.
Where's the
nearest U.S.O.?
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What?
Wait a minute.
We're crazy, huh?
What's the big deal?
A moment ago,
we were having
the greatest party
of our life
because we, uh, thought
we were among celebrities.
So what if they're
not celebrities?!
They still could be interesting
people, can't they?
I'm going to
get to know,
uh, Gus Bates.
Hi. I'm Alex Rieger.
I'm Gus Bates.
Wait up, you guys!
( Dixieland jazz playing )
( sighs )
Oh, we're
almost home.
What a depressing night.
You're telling me.
ALEX:
Aw, come on, Elaine. Hey!
You know, I mean,
you might have lost Rhett,
you might have lost Al Pacino,
but you still got Patty...
Maxine...
And Laverne.
ALEX:
Hit it, girls.
* Bei mir bist du schon *
* Please let me explain
* "Bei mir bist du schon"
means that you're grand *
* Bei mir bist du schon *
* Again I'll explain
* It means you're
the fairest in the land *
* I could say "bella, bella" *
* Even say "wunderbar" *
* Each language
only helps me tell you *
* How grand you are
* I tried to explain
* Bei mir bist du schon *
* So kiss me and say
you'll understand. *
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )
May I have your attention,
please?
God knows, I hate to interrupt
the important conversations
I know you're all having,
but someone special
is retiring today
after 41 years
with Sunshine Cabs.
These are the last receipts
that will ever be turned in
by our old friend Maxie...
What is that, "Mulch"?
Mulcher?
Melcher.
Terrible handwriting.
Nerves go first, huh, Maxie?
Anyway, it's customary,
when a person retires
to present them
with a little gift
to help them keep track
of the time.
So here you are, Maxie,
a lovely calendar depicting
12 different scenes
of American highways.
Use it in good health.
Thank you.
You know, a lot of you...
Rodriguez, 993.
Murphy...
Louie...
Beat it, Max.
Look, uh, Jeff,
if anybody wants me,
I'll be in the library.
Just act natural
and don't make a fuss
over this.
Over a briefcase?
This isn't any
briefcase, Elaine.
I was cruising
the Broadway District,
like I do on Thursdays,
you know, hoping
to make a contact.
The guy I picked up
left this in the back
of the cab, right?
And I was thinking that maybe
there's a chance this guy
might be important
in the theater, you know?
Oh, and he's going to
owe you a favor
for returning this, right?
Hey, Elaine, you know,
there are a lot of ways
to make it in the theater,
and if being nice
is one of them,
I'm willing to give it a shot.
Beautiful thought, Bob.
Beautifully put.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up?
Shh. I don't want Louie
to know about this.
I found it in
the back of my cab.
You have that, too, huh?
I'm always finding stuff
people leave behind--
old magazines, gloves, meat...
Meat?
Not good meat-- chewy.
Oh.
Jim, sit down.
Anyway, if I'm going
to return this
I got to get it unlocked
to find out
who it belongs to,
but I've been trying,
and I can't do it.
I thought the rule was,
anything you find in a cab,
you got to turn in to Louie.
Anything that goes
into Louie's cage
vanishes from
the face of the earth.
Yes, with the definite exception
of Louie himself.
Hey, you know what? There are
initials on this-- N.Z.
Norman Zelnick!
My God.
Who's Norman Zelnick?
I was hoping
one of you would know.
Geeze.
All right, so I guess we're just
gonna have to bust it open, huh?
No, no, no, Tony.
I don't want to
ruin the case.
Ooh... Latka's a mechanic.
He's got to have something
that can open this.
Yeah, that's right.
Latka, come here.
What?
Take a look at this case.
You think you can open it?
Oh, sure, I can.
I have just the right tool.
Give him a chance,
give him a chance.
( yelling )
Latka!
What the hell is this, Iwo Jima?
What's going on here?
Louie, Louie, I found
this briefcase
in the back of my cab
and you're not getting it.
Well, why don't you open it
and find out whose it is?
Oh, you think
it's that easy, huh?
Well, I've been trying,
I been trying and I
can't do it.
I'll open it for you.
Yeah, what makes you
think you can open it?
Ten bucks, Wheeler.
All right, ten bucks.
Easy to come by.
Do your worst.
Pleasure doing business
with you.
All right.
Come on, come on.
Okay, okay...
you ain't getting anything
that's in there, Louie.
What? What?
What? What?
Come on, now,
you got your money.
Now, get out of here.
Go! Shoo! Shoo!
Scram, mush, mush!
All right! Okay!
Calm down! Calm down!
( scoffs )
( unintelligible muttering )
I can't.
You can't what?
I got... I got to have
something out of
that briefcase.
BOBBY:
Louie...
I got... I got
to, please!
Louie, you get
out of here, Louie...
No, I mean it, Wheeler,
I mean it.
Get out of here.
Uh, Bob,
I think he's serious.
He needs this.
He's not like us.
Just anything, Wheeler,
anything.
Anything.
All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right.
( indistinct whispers )
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Okay.
Huh?
( gasps )
Oh!
A pen!
Good.
Good. Hey, Iggy!
Look, I got a pen.
Eh...
Yeah.
Good, good.
( cackling )
I've never seen
a human being
experience such joy.
A human being couldn't.
TONY:
Looks like the guy
who owns this
is a pretty rich dude.
Hey... ( chuckles )
I may have
hit the jackpot.
I don't know
who this guy is.
Let's see.
But he's got a picture
of Stephen Sondheim.
Oh, let me see.
That's Stephen Sondheim?
Yeah, the guy
on the left.
I don't recognize
the other guy.
Maybe that's Norman Zelnick.
Hmm.
There isn't any
Norman Zelnick.
Wait, Bobby.
I've heard that name before.
Oh, my gosh!
Look at this!
It's a picture
of Paul Newman!
Hey, yeah, and the guy
up here is the same guy
as the picture down here.
Whose briefcase
this must be.
This is fun.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What are we doing here?
Are we trying to find out
the name of the guy
who owns this,
so we can give
it back to him
or are we just
snooping through
his briefcase?
We're just snooping
through his briefcase.
And loving every minute of it.
Whoa, look what I got here--
his appointment book.
All right!
Ooh!
BOBBY:
Oh, wow, look at that.
"Tuesday, lunch,
L. Strasberg."
That's Lee Strasberg.
"Wednesday,
lunch, Liza."
Minnelli.
Doesn't say.
Got to be.
Wow, he's having lunch
with somebody famous
every day this week.
( chuckling ):
Oh, look at this.
He knows Cary Grant--
an autographed picture.
Oh, wow.
Who do you figure
this guy is?
I don't know.
Maybe he's an agent,
maybe a producer.
Or maybe a real estate
salesman.
"Neal Zacherman."
BOBBY:
Uh-huh.
"Zacherman Real Estate."
He sells real estate.
Well...
What's he doing with all these
pictures of celebrities?
I don't know. He must, uh,
specialize in famous people.
Sorry, Bobby.
( scoffs )
Well, what's he doing the
rest of the week, Elaine?
I don't know.
I'm starting to
feel real funny
about looking
through this.
Ah...
I mean, it is private
property, you know?
Aah...
So one more.
Okay. All right.
"Woody's costume party,
Saturday night."
That's it.
That's it.
That's one of Woody Allen's
famous parties.
He throws them once a year.
It's a tradition...
All the biggest celebrities
in the world show up there.
Yeah, biggies,
like Neal Zacherman, hmm?
No, no, Alex.
Nah...
Really big stars, too.
I didn't read
about it in
the paper.
Well, it's not in the papers.
It's a secret.
He wants to keep out
the crashers.
Oh! You know,
except for
the people
who are invited to
this party, I mean,
we may be the
only ones who
know about it.
That's very likely.
Yeah.
Scarlett O'Hara.
I'll be Cyrano.
Yeah!
Let's do it.
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
Alex, this is perfect.
What's perfect?
It's a costume party.
Nobody's going to know
who anyone is.
It'll be great.
Yes!
Yes!
If you get caught,
you're gonna look foolish.
It's worth the risk.
( groans )
Aw, hey, come on, Alex?
TONY:
Come on, Alex.
ELAINE:
Yeah!
Huh?
This could really
help my career.
I mean, this place is going
to be contact city.
Yeah!
Listen, if it's
so important
to you, go ahead.
What do you
need me for?
Well, if you go, that
means it's not so nuts.
So, the only way you're not
gonna look as crazy as you are
is if I look
as crazy as you are?
I think so.
Well, as persuasive
as that argument is,
I don't want to go.
BOBBY:
Oh, come on!
I mean, what am I
going to wear?
I'll fix you a costume.
Yeah!
Oh, come on.
TONY:
Hey, Elaine, would you
fix one for me, too?
Sure.
And me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll fix you all three up.
Come on, Alex,
what do you say?
Come on, Alex.
Would you go?
It's ridiculous.
Oh! You're a drip.
Oh, you mean, if I go
to this one party
it's gonna save me
from Dripdom?
That's right.
Yeah.
What do you say?
BOBBY:
Come on.
What do I say?
Come on!
( indistinct voices )
I'll tell you what I say.
I say, let's go to Woody's.
( all cheering )
ALEX:
Let's go to Woody's!
OTHERS:
Let's go to Woody's!
ALEX:
Let's go to Woody's!
ALL:
Let's go to Woody's!
Come on!
Let's go
to Woody's!
Let's go to Woody's!
Let's go to Woody's!
Let's go to Woody's!
What's the matter?
Louie... in the
name of God,
you're not thinking of going
to this thing, are you?
You're gonna ruin it
for all of us, Louie.
Of course, I'm going
to this thing!
I'm going to meet
a few celebrities.
ALEX:
Ah, no, you're not.
I'll get some free food...
take home a couple of autographs
with my new pen.
Aw, thanks, Louie.
Thanks.
Bye.
LOUIE:
Sounds like my
kind of evening.
Hey, wait a minute.
What are we worried about?
Louie doesn't know
where the party is.
The location is right
here in the book, right?
Oh...
Which is now
in the briefcase
back on its way
to its owner, so...
if nobody tells Louie
where the party is,
that means Louie
can't go to the party.
TONY ( chuckling ):
That's right.
( laughs )
Too bad, Lou.
Yeah. We'll tell you
all about it afterwards.
ALEX:
Right.
Bye-bye, Lou.
BOBBY:
I'll give
your regards
to Woody.
Bye-bye, Louie.
ALL:
We're going to Woody's.
We're going to Woody's...
( Dixieland music playing )
I don't believe it.
We just walked straight in.
( sighs )
I'm so nervous,
I can't breathe.
Okay, now just relax.
The worst is over.
We're in.
( laughs )
Isn't this incredible?
What a great place
to have a party,
on a boat.
I know! Only Woody Allen
would think of this.
Hey, you don't mind,
I'm just going to go
and mingle a little bit,
you know?
Oh, no, no, no.
Me, too.
Kind of feel out
the territory, you know.
( laughs ) Just
act unimpressed.
That's impossible.
Hey. It's the Andrews Sisters.
( chuckling ):
Hey.
You guys look great.
How'd you know
it was us?
Just a wild guess.
You know, when-when
Elaine told us
about these costumes
uh, Alex, he thought it
was going to look stupid.
( scoffs )
Well, I'm not
too big a man
to admit that I was right.
Look at this party.
Ain't it worth it? Huh?
It is fabulous.
And wait till you
taste the food. It's great!
And they got one of the best
bands playing in there
I've ever heard.
Well, I have to admit,
it's a long way
from beer and pretzels...
( indistinct voices )
Oh, my God!
They hit Pearl Harbor again?
Wait a minute.
I know who you are.
Latka...
Uh, Tony...
and Barbra Streisand.
No, Jim, this is a
costume party, remember?
You were supposed
to wear an outfit.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
( clearing throat )
I look wigged out, huh?
So come on, tell me.
Who's famous here?
Oh, everybody, man.
Before you guys came in,
I heard some people talking.
And they had to be Diane Keaton
and Truman Capote.
Nah...
Man, this is just too good
to stand here.
I got to mingle.
Me, too.
Point me
to the starlets.
Uh, shall we, Laverne?
Okay, Maxine.
Hey.
Hey, uh, Patty?
Come on, I'll get you a drink.
( stifled yell )
I couldn't help myself.
What are those?
Oh, they're Dramamine.
See, I get a little
seasickness on boats.
This boat is
tied to the pier, Bob.
Yeah-yeah, I know, but it's
the motion that gets to me.
Oh.
( pills rattling )
What are you taking
there, Bobby?
Oh, these are for seasickness.
You want one?
No, thanks.
I'm already a little seasick.
But don't go away.
It might wear off.
Oh, Alex, I just
came by to tell you
I'm having
such a terrific time
and that
your seams are crooked.
Huh?
Oh.
How's that?
Much better.
Alex.
Huh?
Whoo!
Elaine, why are you
in such a hurry?
Oh, uh, well, I-I met this
guy, and we're dancing.
Hey, hey, Elaine, Elaine...
who-who is this guy?
Do-Do you think he might
be somebody famous?
Oh, Bobby, I don't
want to tell you.
'Cause you're gonna think
I'm crazy, but he's Al Pacino.
Well, I mean,
his name is Al, right?
And I've seen all
of Pacino's movies,
and the voice could be his.
Oh, boy, Elaine.
We're a little
star-struck,
are we?
Well, just...
Hey, uh, can
I meet him?
( giggles )
Sure. Come on.
Oh, good.
Whoa!
You again.
Everywhere I go, he's there.
( Dixieland jazz plays )
What a party!
Huh?
You'll never guess
who's here.
He's headed this way.
Who?
TONY:
That's Henry
Kissinger.
You can't miss
that voice.
( whispers ):
The Lone Ranger?
Wow. He's a
great man, Tony.
I know.
I'm really getting
impressed now.
That guy was the
Secretary of State.
He won the Nobel
Peace Prize.
I've heard he was
always good to Tonto.
I was getting
to that, Jim.
BOBBY:
Alex! Tony!
Yeah.
Hey, Bob.
Hey, Bobby,
what's the matter?
I just found out Hal Prince
is at this party.
Who's Hal Prince?
He's one of the biggest
directors on Broadway, Tony.
Are you sure
it's him?
Oh, yeah.
I overheard this girl
talking to a walrus,
and she called
him Mr. Prince.
Oh, Alex, how can I meet him?
You could take him a fish.
Bobby, he doesn't know
you're not supposed to be here.
Just go up to him
and introduce yourself
and have a little... chat.
Hey.
Casually.
Hey, that's really
good, Alex.
So...
Just-just go up to him
( stammers ):
and introduce myself
and talk to him casually.
Hey, that's really great.
( mumbles )
Hey, Alex, you just
been standing around.
I mean, come on.
Let's mix.
Let's rub elbows
with the biggies.
I don't know, Tony.
What, Alex?
What's wrong?
I've been wondering
about something.
I mean, why is it we have
this group of people
that we set off
from ourselves?
You know, we call them
famous people.
We treat them better,
we treat them special.
We get excited when we're
in the same room with them.
What makes them so special?
I know exactly what
you're saying, Alex.
And I bet there's plenty
of famous people
that nobody even
knows about.
We have to talk like this
more often, Tony.
Hey, Bobby, did
you meet Hal Prince?
Oh, yeah, kind of.
I threw up on him.
Might have given "Hi.
Nice party" a try first, Bob.
I'm never going to work
in show business again.
Oh, I feel like going home.
ELAINE:
Bobby, what did you
do to that walrus?
Look, everybody.
Look what I got. Look here.
What do you
got there,
Latka?
I got autographs.
What?
Autographs.
Latka, that's the worst
possible thing you could do.
Celebrities don't
ask other celebrities
for their autographs.
Bobby, that's okay.
Take it easy.
Elaine, do you realize
what this means?
Hal Prince is
going to find out
that the guy that threw up
on him snuck in here to do it.
I don't care
what you say.
You can yell at
me all you want,
but I got the autographs
from famous people.
Yeah, well,
who'd you get, Latka?
Well... Look.
First... first here
is George Hanson.
It says, "Best wishes
to my buddy, Latka."
And next here is, uh...
"Nice costume, Latka."
Signed... is
signed by Fran
Petricini.
"Here's looking
at you, Latka.
Gus Bates."
Who are these people?
Well, there
is Gus Bates
over there
in the Lone
Ranger outfit.
You know, suddenly,
I'm not so sure
we are where
we think we are.
Boy, I know
that feeling.
This explains something
I heard earlier.
I heard somebody said
that they were in the Pacific
with this guy Woody
during World War II.
I figured they meant
he was entertaining the troops.
Woody Allen
would have been
about four years old
in World War II.
I didn't know when he got
started in show business.
So, who are
these people, then?
Friends of Neal
Zacherman's.
Yeah, probably a bunch
of real estate people.
Mm-hmm.
That means I didn't throw up
on Hal Prince. ( chuckles )
You're still young.
Come on, let's get
out of this place.
Come on, let's
go have a beer.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
That's a good idea.
Where's the
nearest U.S.O.?
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What?
Wait a minute.
We're crazy, huh?
What's the big deal?
A moment ago,
we were having
the greatest party
of our life
because we, uh, thought
we were among celebrities.
So what if they're
not celebrities?!
They still could be interesting
people, can't they?
I'm going to
get to know,
uh, Gus Bates.
Hi. I'm Alex Rieger.
I'm Gus Bates.
Wait up, you guys!
( Dixieland jazz playing )
( sighs )
Oh, we're
almost home.
What a depressing night.
You're telling me.
ALEX:
Aw, come on, Elaine. Hey!
You know, I mean,
you might have lost Rhett,
you might have lost Al Pacino,
but you still got Patty...
Maxine...
And Laverne.
ALEX:
Hit it, girls.
* Bei mir bist du schon *
* Please let me explain
* "Bei mir bist du schon"
means that you're grand *
* Bei mir bist du schon *
* Again I'll explain
* It means you're
the fairest in the land *
* I could say "bella, bella" *
* Even say "wunderbar" *
* Each language
only helps me tell you *
* How grand you are
* I tried to explain
* Bei mir bist du schon *
* So kiss me and say
you'll understand. *
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )