Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Woman Between Friends - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Oh...

What's wrong?

Ah, beer's too cold.

It's no colder
than usual.

I don't know, maybe
I got a bad tooth.

( chuckles ):
Alex, uh, a bad tooth
isn't a maybe thing.

I got a bad tooth.

Yeah.

It's all right, though.

It doesn't hurt
until I, uh,



drink something cold

or suck air
through my teeth.

And you haven't
done anything
about it?

I quit sucking air
through my teeth.

( Alex groans )
Why don't you
see a dentist?

I can't get myself
to make an appointment.
Oh.

Alex, you're
afraid of dentists?

No, not dentists, necessarily.
I'm just afraid of any man

who likes to dig and pick
in someone's mouth

with sharp instruments,
that's all.

Alex, why don't you let me
make an appointment for you?

I've got a dentist
who's almost painless.

Okay, look, make
the appointment for me,

but please do me one favor--



don't tell me when until
it's just time to go.

( chuckles )
I want just enough time
to get there

and not enough time
to think about it.

Ow. Ow.
Do you know that you're
acting like a child?

Oh, yeah, and tell
him I want to be
treated like a child.

( whispers ):
I'll make him do it.

Oh, wow...
Hmm?

That's a beautiful lady.

I'm in love.

With my woman?

Hey, I saw her first.

What do you mean
you saw her first?

What makes you think
you saw her first?

Uh, I'm a boxer--
my reactions are quicker.

Great. She's alone.

BOBBY:
She's also available.

Oh, come on, Bobby.
You don't know that.

Well, sure I do.
She's not wearing a ring.

You caught that
when she walked by?

Hey, Tony, I'm an actor.

I'm trained to observe
people closely.

Okay...

What color
is Tony's shirt?

I don't know.

( chuckles ):
Alex's shirt?

I don't know.

The buttons
on her coat?

Brown with tan marbling
and rose-colored thread.

He's right!

ALEX:
Lucky guess.

Hey, I pay attention
to women, you know?

( chuckles ):
Too much.

What are you talking about?

You don't pay attention

to women--

you, uh, collect them.

Hey, y-you know,
that's not true, Elaine.

Oh, no?

How many women have you
dated this year?

Who counts?

You.
Fifteen.

I'm asking her out.

How can you
ask her out?

I'm going
to ask her out.

Aw, come on, Bobby.
Let me, man.

I'm your friend.
I need her more than you do.

I mean, really.
What are you talking about?

You're going out with Cathy.

Oh, no. I broke up with her.

When?

Soon as I can get

to a telephone.

Well, listen,

I'm real sorry
about that,

but I got to ask
this lady out, man.

Aw, come on.
How come you can't

pass up one woman
for a friend?

Hormones, I guess.
I don't know.

I got just as many
hormones as you,

maybe more.

Anyway, why should you get her?

Because I saw
her first, man.
No, no, Bobby.

I saw her first.

No, I saw her first.

Will you guys sit down?

( mutters )

Now, we're not gonna
get anywhere with an
argument like that.

You have to think
of a more reasonable
way to do this.

Why don't we
flip a coin?

Okay.
All right.

Hey, Alex,
you flip it.
Yeah.

ELAINE:
I can't believe this.
Hmm?

You are actually
going to do that?

I mean, she is a person there,
not some object

to be obtained by one
lousy flip of a coin.

You know, Elaine's right--
make it two out of three.

Good.

You're actually
going to do this?

Hey, we gotta do
something, Elaine.

We both can't
ask her out, can we?

Hey, Bobby, how come we
both can't ask her out?

That's fair, ain't it?
We both saw her.

I'd ask her out
if he wasn't here,

and you'd ask her out
if I wasn't here,

so let's both ask her out
like nobody's here.

Argue with that one.

Hey, I think that
makes sense.

I'll ask her first.

Wait a minute.
Let's both go first.

We can't both go first.

Oh, look, it doesn't make any
difference who goes first.

It's a bad idea.

What if she agrees to go out
with both of you?

Hey, Alex, come on.
There aren't that many women

that like either one of us,
let alone both of us.

You know, and,
and if she says no

to both of us,
that's fine.

If she says yes,
it's no big deal.

( scoffs )
We both go
out with her

and whoever hits
it off best,

well, that's
the way it is.

But, but, but what if
you both start dating her?

Hey, we're not going
to have to face that,

'cause we're gonna settle
this after the first date.

Okay, let's agree that we
both go out with her,

and whoever hits
it off best with her
gets to keep her.

Okay.
All right.

Hey, but who gets
to ask her first?

We'll let Alex flip
a coin for that.

Okay.

All right, Alex.
Go ahead.

Come on.
Come on, Alex.
Come on.

Okay, okay.
Just one flip.

All right.
All right.

Call it.

Tails.
Tails.

Which is it?

What do you mean,
"Which is it"?"

Just one of
you call it.

Well, which one
of us, Alex?

I'm thinking
of a number...

Five.

I wanted five.

Tough luck.

Why don't you draw
straws to see
who gets five?

Okay, look, uh, Tony,

you got heads,
Bobby you got tails.

Okay?

( coin clatters )

Once again.

All right.

Tails.
( chuckles )

Thanks a lot, Alex.

Hey, uh...

wish me luck,
all right?

TONY:
Not the hair flip.

And on top of that,
he's going to use

one of them great lines of his.

You know, the guy's got
a million great lines, Elaine.

They all work, too--
every one of them.

You know, I ain't got
one great line.

Look at him. It's working--
it's really working.

Oh... there's not a thing
I can do about it, either.

Nothing. Nothing I can do.

( Alex mumbles )
Yes, there is.

Hey, lady!

Anything he says--
me, too.

You almost through
with the cab?

Yes, almost.

Good boy, Latka.

Ten cabs in one
day-- that's a lot
of work, isn't it?

Yes, I know.

Okay, now,

just so that you know that your
work hasn't gone unnoticed--

as soon as you finish
with this cab...

Yeah.

...I'm going to let you tune up
my mother's car.

But... but, eh,
but that is more work.

No, no, no.

Ma's tune-up is a bonus.

Oh...

( whispers ):
A bonus.
Bonus?

Yeah.

But, what is a bonus?

A bonus is... is
something that a
boss gives a worker

when he thinks he's
doing a good job.

Congratulations.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Not so fast.

Is bonus good?

Bonus? Sure, it's great.

Yeah, everyone
wants one.

Okay, thank you very much.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

Hi, guys.
ELAINE:
Hi.

Well, hiya, Tony.
Whadda you say, Lou?

How was your
weekend?

Oh, it was good.

Did you and Bobby both
go out with Janet?
Yup.

He took her out on Friday,
and I took her out on Saturday.

ALEX:
Oh.
Oh.

So what happens now?

You, uh, compare notes?

Declare a winner?

Collect the prize?

Hey, Elaine, I don't know what
you're getting so upset about.

Hey, Elaine, uh,
can I speak to you

man to man?

Sure.

Elaine... Bobby's
a good-looking guy, huh?

Yeah.

He's probably, like, the
best-looking guy in the garage?

Oh, gee, I don't
know, he might be.

He's fun to be with
most of the time?

Yeah, I, I'd say so.

And he's probably
the most talented

and most interesting
guy around?

( chuckles ):
Could be, yeah.

Gee, the guy's got
the market cornered

on everything but pitiful.

( chuckles )

Ah, but Tony, you're
attractive, too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

How attractive?

I mean, like, on a scale
of one to ten,

where Louie's one and Robert
Redford's number ten.

Um, I think there's
more than nine numbers

between those two.

But Tony, in my book
you're a ten.

Elaine...

Oh...

ALEX:
Hey, hello, Bob.

Hey, Al.

Hey, Bobby,
how'd it go Friday?

Friday?
Friday.

What was Friday?
Oh, Friday!

Oh, you mean my
date with Janet.
Oh, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, how'd it work out for you?

How'd it work
out for you?

I asked you first.

Here we go again.

It was great, Tony.

I know.
She's the kind of girl

you could really
get serious about.

You know, my date with her

was one of the greatest
nights of my whole life.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got that
beat, 'cause my date with her

was one of the greatest
nights of my life.

I guess you're not going
to give her up, huh?

No, I'm going out
with her again tomorrow.

But I got tickets
for the fights for us tomorrow.

Well, it's too bad,
Tony, because I'm
going to ask her out.

Going to ask her out?
I... Ooh!

Not if I can get to her...

Tony...

( singsong voice ):
Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

Uh, you can't dial
from there.

Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

All right. Now, give me
that receiver, Tony.

Tony, give it to me, and
don't make me do something
I'm going to regret--

like hitting myself
and getting killed.

Hey, hey, hey.
Now, now,

this is getting
out of hand, here.

Yeah, it's rotten.
It's really rotten.

You want to know
how rotten it is?

Look.

Louie likes it.

Now, come on.

Okay, okay...
okay, listen, Tony,

I'm not going to fight
you over the receiver.

Here, take it.

Oh, well, that's
good, Bobby.

Hey, thanks, Bob.

I just remembered,
she's not home.

Hey, Bobby, I got to warn you.

I really am serious
about this girl.

Tony, you're not
right for her.

Can't you see that?

I mean, what are you gonna
possibly talk to her about

when you're alone?

What are you saying?

He's saying you're stupid.

Hey, Louie?
Louie, shut up, will ya?

I wouldn't take that
from him, Banta.

Is that what you're
saying, Bobby?

Now, hey, Tony y...
Is it?

Well, listen, I wasn't
going to put it that way.

That's it, Bob, you
just went too far.

Tony, now, just
take it easy.

No, man. I can't let nobody
say things like that.

I don't let nobody
call me stupid.

Tony, you're a boxer.
You've got to

remember that.
You're a boxer.

Don't worry about it--

he's a boxer
like you're an actor.

No, Bobby, I can't let you shoot
your mouth off like that.

You call me stupid,
you gotta get hit.

Tony, you can't hit me.
I barely survive the poking.

Tony, now, come on.

No, Elaine.
I'm going

to do this this time.
What?

O-O-Okay, okay, listen,
uh... I'll hit myself.

What is he talking about?

No, no, no, really,
look, look.

I'll... let me
do it, all right?

( groans and coughs )

Not hard enough.

That's harder than
you've ever hit anybody.

Hey, hey, hey.
I can take direction.

One of, one of the things
I'm good at, okay.

All right.
Here we go.

( groans louder
and coughs )

Now, now, Tony, that one
really staggered me.

In the face.

Oh, oh, oh, Tony...
Tony, not the face.

Oh, oh, okay, okay,
the face, all right.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

Cut this out,
cut this out.

What am I doing?
Breaking up a fight
between one guy.

No! No!

We still got something
to settle, Bobby.

Well, can't you settle it
without fists?

Don't ask them to match wits--
we'll be here all day.

ELAINE:
You know what

really bothers
me about this?

It's that neither
one of you has
even considered

making a sacrifice
for your friendship.

All right,
I'll make a sacrifice.

I won't hit Bobby.

ELAINE:
Oh!

Well, uh, it's a start.

What about you?

Okay, I won't
hit me, either.

Can't be fairer
than that, can we?

But Tony, as far as Janet's
concerned, it's war.

Yeah, and may the best man win.

Eh!

( Louie laughing )

You know who
I feel sorry for?

That poor young girl.

Torn between two losers.

( humming )

Hi, Bob.

Hey, Alex.

Ooh, your girlfriend
Janet called.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, what'd
she want?

Tony.

Hey, Alex, uh, could you
lend me 30 bucks?

I want to take Janet
out tonight.

Now, look, this is getting
ridiculous, you know that?

You borrow money from me

to take her
someplace expensive,

then Tony borrows money

from me to take her someplace
more expensive,

then you borrow money from me

to take her someplace
even more expensive than that!

I've never spent so much money
on a woman in my life.

All right.

LATKA:
Bobby...

I hear you, eh, you have
a new girlfriend?

Me, too.

Oh, then what is, eh, your,
the name of your girlfriend?

Janet.

Oh, and what is the name
of your girlfriend?

Janet.

Oh, well, that's easy
to remember;

it's the same name.

It's the same girl.

Wait a minute.

You're, you mean, you mean,
you're going to, to tell me...

you're telling me
that is one girl

and she loves the both of you

and she care for both of you
and go out with both of you?

Yeah, that's right.
That's right.

Well, could I meet her?

Hey, Alex, uh,
could I borrow $30?

I have to take...

No! Now, look, this
business with Janet

has got to stop right now.

You can't go on spending

the kind of money
you've been spending--

mine!

Hey, Alex, I really, I hate
to do it, honest,

but I got to keep up
with Bobby. I mean...

You guys are going
about this all wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, uh...

Well, how does Janet feel
about it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You mean, neither of you has had
a serious conversation with her

about this problem?

No, I, I haven't.

Have you, Tony?

Uh-uh.

Well, uh, well, what do you guys
talk about with her

when you're alone?

Well, I don't know...

Oh, how great she is...

Me, too.

Anything else?

Oh, what beautiful
eyes she has...

Yeah, we had that talk.

Yeah, then we talk about
me sometimes, you know.

Oh, me, too.

She calls me her, uh,--
sorry, Bobby--

her tough teddy bear.

Her, uh, smart teddy bear.

Ah...

A very complex relationship.

Yeah. I haven't seen anything
like it

since I stopped reading
Archie comic books.

You know something, Elaine?

I've had just
about enough from you.

Careful, Nardo.

If he gets mad he could
beat himself silly.

I mean, you've been
going around making

a lot of snide remarks
for the last week,

since this thing
with Janet started.

A-And if you got any better
ideas how to handle it,

I'd like to hear them.

Okay, I got a better idea.

Yeah, okay, come on.

Yeah. Why don't
you ask Janet

which one of you she
prefers to go on seeing?

Oh, that's crazy.

Hey, it's okay with me, Bobby.

I think Elaine's idea
is a great one--

a lot cheaper.

Hey, it's all right with me.

I, uh, I'm going to meet her
at Mario's in a little while.

I'll ask her then.

Hey, wait a minute.
I got to be there
when she chooses.

Okay, but you let me
explain things to her.

Hey, wait a minute, Bob.
We gotta do this together, Bob.

We can't both do
it together, Tony.

Well, then let Alex do it,
he's neutral.

Great. Hey...

Hey, Alex... could you
do this thing for us?

Now, now, look.

Enough of this
high school stuff, okay?

Now, the answer is no and
you'll just have to accept it.

Now, I'm not gonna get
any more involved

with this little triangle

that you're trying
to form here.

Well, it's a good thing,
'cause you can't go anyway.

Why not?

You have a dentist appointment
in 30 minutes.

Ah, here you go,
gentlemen.

Draft...

light...

lukewarm.

Enjoy it.

What are you gonna say
to her, Alex?

You'll just have to wait
to find out, just like I am.

I don't know.
I guess I'll just say, uh,

"Janet, you'll have to help us
out here,

"because my friends are just
too infantile and immature

"and just plain silly to be able
to deal with this situation

all by themselves."

I like it. I like it.
Yeah, that'll get
her attention,

boy, let me tell you.

Ooh, there they are...
tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dumber.

And who's this I see
standing at the bar?

Why, Land-o-Goshen,
it's Mary Worth.

Glad I got a good
seat for this one.

Wouldn't want
to miss a moment.

Tommy, suds.

Coming up, Louie.

Louie, will
you get lost?

Not a chance.

I'll give you
a buck.

It's worth more
than a buck to me

to see one of these guys
get blown out of the saddle.

All right,
make it ten bucks.

Okay.

See ya.

BOBBY:
Thanks, Alex.

Hi, guys.

Dump the both
of them.

Hi, Bobby.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Janet.

I didn't expect
to see you here.

Oh, but I'm glad
you are.

I've got something
for you.

You left your watch
at my place.

I had it engraved.

Oh, wow...

"To Tony, the next
heavyweight champ."

Gee, thanks, Janet, but you
shouldn't have done this.

Why not?
I wanted to.

I'm a middleweight.

And it's my watch.

Janet, listen. Here,
sit down for a second, okay?

Something's come up
that's real serious,

and, uh, we got
to talk about it.

Yeah, all three
of us.

This may be the most intimate
and personal problem

that we've ever
had to deal with.

What is it?

Alex'll tell you.

( chuckles )

Look, Janet,

there's hardly anything
that I can say

that you haven't thought of
all by yourself, anyway.

I mean, you must realize
that this situation

has to come to an end.

( chuckles )

What situation?

What situation?

Well, I mean,
the fact you're going out

with Bobby and Tony
at the same time.

I mean, you must understand,
you know,

that this can't go on
any longer.

Why not?

Why not?

I'm beginning to wish
that I went to the dentist.

You-you're not going to make me
choose one of them, are you?

BOBBY:
Hey, Janet,

what Alex is trying
to say is, uh... Tony and I,

we're just not mature enough
to handle this thing.

We know we're
putting you on
the spot, Janet,

but it's killing us.

You're really serious
about this?

I mean, you're prepared to have
me choose one of you right now,

and both of you
will accept it?

Yeah, we talked it over and
we're sure we can handle this.

Okay, my choice is...

BOTH:
Wait a minute!

Hey, it just can't be
that easy for you.

Yeah, take a minute,
mull it over.

Yeah. Come on, now,
take your time.

I mean, 'cause we're
in no hurry.

Yeah, yeah.
Go over to
another table

and work on it
for a while.

You know, make it
look tough, anyway.

There's a table
over there.

Boy.

Well, I'll see
you guys tomorrow.

I'm gonna go.

There are other tattered
lives to mend, you know.

Alex, you know,
Tony and I,

we really would
like to repay you, you know.

Yeah, well, don't mention it.

Yeah, but we'd
really like to...

No, that's how
you will repay me--

by not mentioning it
ever again. Thank you.

( sighs )

Well, I guess
this is it, Tone.

Yeah, I guess
so, Bobby.

You know, I...

I just want to say,
Tony, you know,

I-I've been acting real
crummy the past week, and, uh...

I-I just want to say
I'm sorry.

Me, too, Bobby.

Yeah.

How am I doing?

Will you shut up!

All right.

Here's my decision.

It's...

Hold it...
wai-wait a minute, I...

I don't think I want
to hear it.

Now what?

Well, it just occurred to me

that no matter
what your decision is,

one of us is going
to feel really lousy,

and I don't want that
to be my friend Tony,

and even more important,
I don't want it to be me.

So, uh,
I don't think

I want to hear
your choice is.

Whisper it.

Tony! Don't you understand
what I'm saying here?

Our friendship could
end forever right here.

Eh, maybe you got a point,
Bobby.

So let me
understand this:

Now, neither one of you
wants to see me anymore?

Yeah. Yeah, that's what
it comes down to.

Well, that's real nice.

I mean, the two of you
have made up your minds

and you don't care
what I have so say.

Listen,
I know this is, like,

really hard on you
and everything.

Yeah, and we're
real sorry, Janet.

No, no, don't apologize.

If that's the way you want it,
that's the way it'll be.

I certainly don't want to come
between good friends.

I'd sure like to know
how to get back at you.

Maybe this way:

Maybe, maybe by telling you
that I was going to see to it

that the guy I chose had
the time of his life tonight.

The kind of night
that men dream about.

The kind of night that...
that would be so good

that it'd make a man real happy
that he's a man.

Oh, by the way?

Um, I don't have to stick
to anybody's rules.

The person that
I was going to pick...

Hey, it doesn't make
any difference...

was Bobby.

Oh, no, no, no!

I think we did
the right thing.

Alex, I made another dentist
appointment for you.

Oh. Great, Elaine.
Thank you.

Oh, same deal as before?

Don't tell me until
it's just about time to go?

Okay.
Okay, thanks.

It's time.

Now?

You got ten minutes
to get there. Come on.

I can't go now.

My tooth stopped hurting.

Hey, imagine that.

Go figure-- teeth.

Alex, a bad tooth doesn't
just get better.

No, no, no. Elaine, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.

I open for a quarter.

Okay.

Okay.

Drink this cold soda pop.

Sure.

I don't know
how you did that,

but if you are that determined
not to go, well, forget it.

Elaine?

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )