Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 24 - Fantasy Borough: Part 2 - full transcript

The fanciful fantasies of the cabbies continue with a real "show stopper" from Elaine.

( theme music playing )

You're never
gonna believe

who I had in
my cab last night!

Hey, that's Herve Villechaize.

Yeah, you know, the little guy
from Fantasy Island.

He left these pictures
in my cab last night.

What is this, eh...
Fantasy Island?

Well, actually, Latka,

there really isn't
a Fantasy Island.

Well, I wish there was
a place like that.

Imagine someplace you could go
and live out all your fantasies.



You seem to have a perspective
on world events

that somehow eludes
the average man.

You're no slouch yourself.

Ooh, I have a fantasy,
all right.

Halt.

I have other dreams, too.

( audience cheering )

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

the famous singer,
Bobby Wheeler!

Hey, hey, Bobby!

Sometimes... I think about
doing a little traveling.

Wow! You guys are funny-lookin'.

Mr. Villechaize, uh...

I do something, uh...
I'd like you to see.



( grumbling )

You want to see it?
Yeah?

Okay, here we go.

( imitating Villechaize ):
Hiya, boss.

How are you, boss?

Here come da plane, boss.

You like it?

That's fine.

That was you.

Oh, that's very fine.

Betcha he goes back
to Hollywood now, eh?

Yeah...

That must be some exciting life
he leads out there.

I betcha he does things
that we can only dream about.

Are you kidding?

Don't you know
what Hollywood's like?

I mean, right now,
that guy's out there

surrounded by perverts, weirdos,
and human garbage.

Makes me glad I didn't go
into show business.

You know, it's weird.

I think I have a handle
on what everyone in this garage

would fantasize about,

but the only one that throws me
is you, Alex.

I mean, what would
you fantasize about?

Yeah, Alex.

Yeah, come on, Alex.

What? What?

As a matter of fact, I don't.

Aw, sure.

I don't.
ELAINE:
Oh, come on.

No, really.

I find it very difficult
to fantasize.

You mean you never fantasize

about the beautiful lady
in your cab?

I mean,
everybody's got that one.

Not me.

Me, either.

Aw, geez, Alex,
I can't even believe it.

Well, listen,
I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but that's how it is: I don't.

I've tried to fantasize.

I've tried to think up
some great situation,

but somehow,
something always goes wrong.

( clears throat )

Hello.

Hi there.

Where can I take you?

( sighing )

I'm not sure where I want to go.

Just drive anywhere.

I think I know
where that is.

I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,

but has anyone
ever told you before

that the back of your head
is quite attractive.

Thank you.

The front's nice too.

That's something
to look forward to.

You may not believe this,

but this is my very first ride
in a taxi.

Well, you know
what they say: first
time's the best time.

( laughs )

Well, actually,
I've always heard

how rude and abrupt
cabbies were.

You're not that way at all.

Well, the evening
is still young.

( both laughing )

I'm really
enjoying myself.

I should've done this
long ago.

Me, too.

Listen, I hope
you don't think

this is too personal,
but, um...

Well, even if it is...

Can I ask you something?

It's your cab.

Why did you decide to
take this ride tonight?

I was just feeling very alone.

I'm a stranger in this big city,
all by myself,

and something told me
I should just hail a cab.

I didn't know why...

till now.

( growls )

Feeling a little warm?

Ever since
I got into this cab.

I can turn the heat down.

I don't think you could.

( clank )

So, tell me,
uh, cookie...

what brings you
to New York?

I'm here with my husband.

Son of a...

She's married?!

Who's married?

Huh? Oh, no one.

I, uh... just drifted off
for a second.

Oh, Alex, are you over there
trying to fantasize?

Ah, no, I told you
I don't do that kind of stuff.

Hey, Alex, if you're fantasizing
about a woman, make her single.

( laughing )

Well, it's not that easy,
you know.

I mean, you just can't
imagine her single,

and she comes out single,
can you?

Yeah, you can.

Oh, well, let me
give it another shot.

Look, I can't do this if you're
all going to stare at me.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay, I mean business this time.

So you're married, huh?

No, not really.

I just said that.

Why?

I was afraid
you'd come on to me.

Well... why are you
admitting that now?

I decided I'd take my chances.

Back on course.

Listen, I don't usually do this,
but, um...

how would you like to...?

Mm... never mind.

Oh, say it, please.
Ask me.

No, I think you'd find
me too presumptuous.

No, no. Say it, please.

Don't hold anything back.
I'm not.

Would you like to
stop someplace and
have a cup of coffee?

Oh, I'd love that.

You would?
Mm.

Well, where would you
like to go?

Uh, we can go to my apartment,

or if that would be
too uncomfortable for you,

we can go out somewhere.

Your apartment sounds fine.

In fact,
your apartment sounds wonderful.

Oh, great.

This is turning
into a marvelous evening.

I hope nothing comes along
to spoil it.

Don't worry about it.

I couldn't stop
now if I had to.

( tires screeching )
Stop.

I can't. I can't.

Stop!

( crashing, glass shattering )

I can't even be trusted

behind the wheel
of my own fantasy.

You just got to relax.

You know,
just free yourself, you know,

and let yourself
go with the flow.

Put yourself
in your own apartment.

Oh, yeah, okay,
that's good,
that's good.

Eh? All right?
All right?

Yeah.

Now, now... picture
yourself by a...

by a roaring fire.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's very good.
That's very good.

Okay, now, now,

now, just relax...

and remember that
it's your fantasy,

and in her eyes,

you can't do anything wrong.

Yeah. You're right.

I just hope she's still alive.

More very expensive brandy?

Mmm...

( sighs )

( sighs )

Am I glad that accident
was only a fender bender.

You're not going to get
into any trouble, are you?

No, I have a very
understanding dispatcher.

( sighs )

( sighs )

Oh, this is wonderful.

Is it really wonderful?

Mm. Yes.

Good.

I've never done anything
like this before,

and I've never met
anyone like you before.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

What's the matter?

I just realized something.

I don't even
know your name.

Does it matter?

How am I going
to tell my diary about you?

Tawny.

Tawny.

My favorite name.

I'm Alex.

My favorite name.

( moaning passionately )

I'm afraid something
is going to go wrong.

This is just too good.
Just too good.

No, no.

This... this is what
you've waited for.

This is what you deserve.

Yeah.
Trust me.

I do.
Trust this.

Oh... free, at last.

( shuddering moan )

Oh, man.

I've always liked
the name Alex.

When I was a little girl,

I used to have an uncle
named Alexander.

Oh, I thought
he was the greatest.

I haven't seen him in years.

We lost touch long ago.

I lived in the Bronx,

and his family would
come and see us

every now and then.

Yes, yes...

Oh, he'd always
take me someplace--

to the park or to
the playground,

or the carnival,
if it was in season.

But the thing that
I remember most...

was that he'd always end
the day by buying me...

...a double-dip Rocky
Road ice cream cone

with a cherry on top.

Right. How did...?

Uncle Alex?!

How's Aunt Rose?

Fine.

Cousin Harry?

Great.

Brother Bill?
Wonderful.

Your daughter?

Europe.

I think we've
wasted enough time

with this dumb talk
of fantasies.

Fantasies are for losers.

I suppose you don't
have any, Louie.

Me? What would I need
a fantasy for?

I'm usually the object
of other peoples' fantasies.

Oh, sure.

It's true.

Come on, Louie,

you mean you wouldn't
change anything

if you had the chance to?

Nothing.
My life is perfect.

Well...

...maybe there is...

one or two things I might change
to make it even better.

I wish we had some heat.
I'm freezing.

Yeah.

Well, you know Mr. De Palma

would turn the heat up
if he could.

That man, he's a saint.

Bobby's right.

( coughing )

As owner of this cab company,

Mr. De Palma has to cooperate

with President Rizzo's
new energy program.

He keeps that thermostat set

right where it's supposed
to be...

( sneezes )

...28 degrees.

You know, the Depression's
a lot harder on him.

Imagine how tough it would be

being the only rich man
left in the country.

Hmm.
Yeah.

TONY:
Here he comes now.

ALEX:
Huh? Huh?

Here he comes.

On your way home, sir?

Yeah. I'm bushed.

How are you guys doing?

ALEX:
Awful.

Yeah. This Depression
is a darn shame, isn't it?

( coughing )

That's a mighty nasty cough
you got there, Rieger.

Oh, it's nothing, sir.
Just a touch

of double pneumonia.
It's going around.

Nevertheless, I think
you better see my doctor.

Have him take a look at you.

Oh... that's much
too kind of you, sir.

Now, now, now,
never mind, never mind.

That could be bronchitis
on top of pneumonia.

That's what Wheeler's got,

and he's dying,
aren't you, Wheeler?

Yes, sir.

That's the spirit.

You almost done in there?

Not quite.

All right, well,
keep at it.

LOUIE:
I'm home.

Louie!

Louie, darling.

I've missed you so much.

Why are you dressed
like that?

Because it's so warm
in here.

You keep it at 85.

Mm-hmm.

( chuckles )

You know, Louie, all day
long, I've been praying

that you'll reconsider
firing you-know-who.

Not a chance.

Not a chance.

I think I've been fair.

When somebody doesn't pull
their weight...

they're gone.

But she loves you so much.

I know.

Send her in.

He wants to see you, Lassie.

Come on in and sit down.

( whimpering )

Sit down.

Bye, Lassie. Bye.

Nardo, you're taking some
of the surprise out of this.

Now, get out of here.

It's just you and me, girl.

Lassie...

I know you've...

you've been with us
a long time.

( heavy sigh )

I don't know... I just have
to do something with you.

I mean, you're getting away
with murder.

You know?

I've got to lay down
the laws.

Benji... she's going
through the roof.

Snoopy--
through the roof.

I mean, what can you do?

That's just not enough
anymore, girl.

I mean, they're out there
making millions.

Do you know what Benji made
last year?

( barks three times )

Uh-huh. Well, how much
did you make last year?

( barks once )

Well, that just doesn't
cut it, Lassie.

Take a walk.

( whining )

( whimpering )

All right, but just one.

Okay, now beat it.

Aw...

It was so sad
seeing her go.

Yeah, well...

( sighs )

Maybe this will
make you feel better.

It's a little something
I picked up on the way home.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, well.

A man can dream, can't he?

Hey, uh, come on, Elaine.

You're trying to get
everybody else

to talk about
their fantasies.

Why don't you tell us
one of yours?

Yeah!

Forget it!

I mean, if nobody
else is going to talk
about it, why should I?

Yeah, you're right.

No point.

Let's forget it.

But if I were to tell you
my fantasy...

it would knock you out.

Yeah?
Oh, really?

BOBBY:
Come on, come on,
come on, what is it?

( groans )

Anybody got any ideas
about what we can do?

Let's play
another hand of poker.

We always play cards.

We play cards every day.

That's all we do is play cards.

Play cards.

* Come on along and listen to

* The lullaby of Broadway

* The hip-hooray and ballyhoo

* The lullaby of Broadway

* The rumble of a subway train

* The rattle of the taxis

* The Daffodils who entertain

* At Angelo's and Maxi's

* When a Broadway baby

* Says good night

* It's early in the morning

* Manhattan babies

* Don't sleep tight

* Until the dawn...

Elaine, we're trying
to play cards here. Come on!

Buzz off.

* Good night, baby

* Good night

* The milkman's on his way

* Sleep tight, baby

* Sleep tight

* Let's call it a day

* Hey!

* Come on along and listen to

* The lullaby of Broadway *

* The hi-de-hi,
boop-boop-buh-doo *

* The lullaby of Broadway *

The band begins
to go to town...

* The band begins
to go to town *

And everyone
goes crazy...

* And everyone goes crazy *

* You rock-a-bye
your baby round *

* Till everything gets hazy

* Hush-a-bye,
I'll buy you this and that *

* You hear her daddy saying

* Then baby goes home
to her flat *

* To sleep all day

* Good night, baby

ELAINE:
Bounce!

* Good night

* The milkman's on his way

Kick!

* Sleep tight, baby

* Sleep tight

* Let's call it a day

Hey!

* Listen to the lullaby

* Of old Broadway!

( music continues )

( music continues )

Train!

Okay, in a line!

Pick me up!

Turn me!

Put me down!

Kick!

( music builds )

* Let's call it a day

* Listen to the lullaby

* Of old Broadway!

( Broadway music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )