Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 20 - Shut It Down: Part 2 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

ANNOUNCER:
Last week on Taxi:

Yeah, you might
say that, Louie.

You know, the cabs, they been
falling apart lately,

and Tony's brakes--
they just went out on him.

I mean, every time
we go out of here,
our lives are in danger,

and we think
it's about time you
do something about it.

Go blow-dry your face.

What are you...?

Hey! Hey!

Nardo's your new
shop steward, huh?



Wise choice.

( snickering )

And I also said
that we're on strike.

( chanting ):
Shut it down! Shut it down!

Shut it down!

Shut it down!

One date to save
cabbies' lives.

You'd give in
to all of our demands...

if I go on one date with you?

You're taking advantage
of something that's
really decent in me

to satisfy some
indecent needs
of your own.

How does that
make you feel?

Horny as all get-out.

( whistling )



Well, welcome back, boys.

Don't get your
hopes up, Louie.

These negotiations
fall through

between you and Elaine,

we're going right back
to the picket line.

Oh, they're not going to
fall through, Wheeler. Uh-uh.

By the way, what
concessions
did you make?

I'm not allowed to discuss that
until after the negotiations.

Haven't you ever heard
of the Taft-Hartley Act?

Hey, I used to see them
on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Taft was the goofy one,
right?

( humming )

* That's why the lady

* That's why the lady

* That's why the lady

* Is a tramp,
tramp, tramp, tramp... *

You know,
there's something weird here?

Yesterday, we were

at a total impasse.

Today, everything's fine.

Hey, Alex, listen. Elaine
says everything's going fine,

and we just have
to trust her.

By the way,
where is Elaine tonight?

She sad she was going
to take the night
off to rest.

Yeah. You know,
I think the pressure
of being shop steward

is finally
getting to Elaine.

Why do you say that?

You know how, like,
when she gets nervous,

she starts
biting fingernails?

Well, today,
she started in on mine.

Hey, uh... guys.

I need your opinion here
on which is the best aftershave.

Oh, Louie.

Okeydoke.

The best-smelling.

Jeesh!

Rieger, I think
your honker

is most suited
for this task.

I mean, uh...

I mean,

you could smell these things
from home.

Go on.

( sniffs )

That one seems ideal.

My choice, too.

"Cruel Cavalier."

Won't be a mosquito
near him all night.

Boy, Elaine sure turned out
to be a good shop steward.

I'm hoping she turns out
to be a great one.

There's something
strange going on.

What did you say
Elaine was doing tonight?

I told you.
She was going
to take a night off--

get her mind off work.

Boy.

I don't know why they put so
many pins in these new shirts.

Takes you an hour
to get them off.

Hey, Lou, just what
is it exactly

you're getting
prepared for tonight?

Oh, I got a little
social engagement.

( chuckling )

I don't even know
why I'm putting this shirt on.

In a couple of hours, it's
going to be ripped from my body.

Hey, if you guys will excuse me,

I'm going to go over
to Elaine's apartment

and see how she's doing.

All right.

Okay. Say hi.

Hey, Rieger.

You got a clean handkerchief
on you?

Thanks.

Welcome back, Rieger.

Hey, Lou, you missed
one of the pins.

Where?
Here.

Ow!

Nice to be back, Lou.

( doorbell rings )

You're early,
and she doesn't live here,

and I have
a headache!

Oh, God. It's true.

Oh, Alex, what
are you doing here?

Who were you expecting, Elaine?

My date.
Uh... somebody you don't know.

Oh? Tell me about him.

Oh, well, uh, his name is Joe,
and he's a tall blond doctor,

and he likes
me very much,
and won't hurt me.

Elaine, I know all about it.

I just left Louie at the garage

in mid-drool.

I'm absolutely terrified
about this whole thing.

I mean, it's the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

Elaine, you don't
have to do this.

The duties
of a shop steward

do not entail mixing
business with terror.

It's not part
of a shop steward's duties

to date Louie, you know.

Stubby Detmuller
never did it.

There was that one time

when he went out dancing
with Louie on New Year's Eve.

I'm just trying
to cheer you up.

I don't need cheering up.

I need tanking up.

( knock at door )

Hide me!

Open the door

and feast your eyes
on a 150 pounds of hickey bait!

Alex, if I ask
you real nice,

will you take
this bottle and
beat me senseless?

Elaine, want me
to talk to him--

tell him
the whole thing's off?

No. No, no.
It can't be off.

Oh...

Oh, I got to go
through with this.

I mean,
it's the only way

we're going to
settle the strike.

Would you watch him
while I get ready?

( knocking )

Please open the door!

You don't know how long

I've waited to feast my eyes
on your loveliness.

What are you
doing here, Rieger?

Elaine was called away.

I'm the deputy shop steward,
and I'm taking over.

Drinky-poo?

Cut the jokes, Rieger.

Where's Nardo?

Ah! My little girl
is getting ready.

Well, this gives
me an opportunity

to get to know
the man she's dating.

Sit down, young man.

And tell me...

what is it you do
for a living?

What are you talking about,
Rieger?

You know I'm a dispatcher.

Oh, a dispatcher.

I thought you were
much more than that.

You seem like vermin.

You're getting in the way
of my good time, Rieger.

Now, why don't
you take a powder?

Ah, the impatience
of youth.

Tell me, young man,

are your intentions
honorable here?

My intentions, Rieger,

are to take a trip
around the moon.

Now, where is she?

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Just take it easy.

Just take it easy.

I'll see if she's ready.

Elaine, your
young snake is here.

What are you talking about,

Rieger?

Nardo is going
to have the time

of her life tonight.

I got this
whole evening programmed.

There's not a man,
woman, or child

that we're going
to bump into tonight

who isn't on my payroll.

I been out all morning
greasing palms.

I'll bet.

( chuckling )

Come on out,
my little vision!

What the hell is this?

Now, now.
The little lady's wise.

There's a lot of flu
going around these days.

You know how easy it is
to pick up a little bug.

I found out.

Nardo, you look like
Nanook of the North.

There was nothing
in our agreement

about how I had to dress.

Well, it's getting late.
I've got to go.

I'll leave you two kids
to your fun.

Uh, Louie, don't you think
it would be nice

if Alex came with us?

Now, now, now, Elaine,
come on, you gave your word.

You got to go
through with this.

You got to go through
with it.

Elaine, please. Elaine.

Now listen, Louie.

Incidentally,
all kidding aside,

if you try anything
with Elaine...

and I'll kill you.

It will take
the coroner a week

to pry the grin
off my face.

Besides, you'll
have to catch me.

I'll catch you.

I'll just send
the hounds out

after the scent
of "Cruel Cavalier." Whoo!

Now don't be afraid,
my little one.

Are you ready to take

your magic carpet
ride with me?

( sighs )

One last request?

Could I call my children
at the baby-sitter's?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call the tots.

Tell them hi from Uncle Lou.

Hi, Mrs. Williams.

Yes, I'd like to speak
to my children, please,

uh, both of them,
so could you put

their little ears
to the receiver?

Hi, babies.

( sobbing )

I want you to remember
that no matter what happens...

no matter what you hear
about tonight

I want you to always
remember your mother

the way she was
the last time you saw her--

young and fresh

and happy.

And I love you
very much.

Okay.

( sobbing ):
Okay, good-bye.

( smacking lips )
Good-bye.

( smacking lips )
Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

Nardo, I don't think
you're going into this

with the right attitude.

Let's just get
this over with.

Allow me.

The ice is broken.

( Hawaiian music plays )

Okay, come on.

Sit right down there.

May I get you one
of our exotic cocktails?

Oh, yes, Fritz.

I'd like two
monsoons, please.

Yes. Very good,
Mr. De Palma.

( chuckles )

You're going to love this drink.

I kind of thought,
Nardo, that we'd have

a little trouble with the
conversation department,

so I took the liberty to
write up some notes here.

I mean, you know,

it's things that
you would say to me

and my answers
back to you.

Here's your copy.

You've written
our entire conversation?

Well, not the whole thing,
but just to get us rolling here.

You have the first line.

"I guess you know
I have two children."

"Ah, children.

"Reminds me of the old phrase:

"'Better is a poor
and wise child

than an old and foolish king.'"

That's interesting.

Read.

"That's interesting."

"It must be hard,
raising two kids

and holding down two jobs."

"Well, I don't complain."

"Should we order dinner now?"

"No, I think we should order
another drink.

I'm really enjoying
our conversation."

Ah.

Here you go.

There you go, sir.

Thank you, Edmundo.

Oh!

Ooh!

( guttural chuckling )

Oh, well, maybe we
better skip down there

because my timing's
a little off here.

That's not my line.

Yeah. Yeah, that's
your line right there.

"You have beautiful eyes."

"Thank you."

"Now, let's tear up
this piece of paper

and dance, stallion."

I'm not going
to dance, Louie.

Nardo, it's not a date
unless you dance with me.

You want to call
the whole thing off?

Do you even know how to dance?

I mean, I like dancing.

I don't want to get out there
and embarrass myself.

Are you kidding?

I do a great tango.

Tango at the Tide Pool?

Yeah. I spent all morning
taking lessons

from a gay Spanish guy.

Louie, look at that band.

They don't even look like
they'd know a tango.

Play, savages!

( drum roll )

( tango playing )

Kick!

Kick!

Kick!

And in and out

and out

and up, and slide, and...

Come on, Fritz!

Get 'em up!

LOUIE:
So the guy says

the guy says to the farmer

"Just give me
what the rooster gets."

( laughing )

Oh, well.

Oh, well, home again,
home again jiggedy-jog.

Home? Is it over?

Well, Elaine,
wasn't that Tide Pool

everything I told you
it was going to be?

I mean, I'll bet
you never been to a place

where the waiter prepares
your food at the table.

Pork chops?

Aw, boy.
You know something?

I never knew that you
were such a drinker.

I mean, you put away
six monsoons,

and that's gotta be
a Tide Pool record.

You don't even look
the least bit sloshed.

And that's not even counting

the three drinks I had
before you arrived.

You had three drinks
before I got here?

To wash down the Valium.

Geez. I thought
something like that

would kill a person.

So did I.

Good night, Louie.

What are you...?!

Whoa! What do you mean--
good night?

Evening's young!

Come on, Nardo.

We got leftover
garlic bread

and shrimp puffs.

Come on!

I thought maybe
you'd invite me in

for a little
midnight snack.

Good night, Louie.

The deal's over.

Deal? You're still
talking deal?

Come on, Nardo.

That deal was made when
we were rational people,

not pagans.

Aw, don't blow
that thing again.

Just don't
come near me.

Come on, Louie, it's late.

I just want to go in
and shower and burn my clothes.

Wait, wait.

Hold on, here, Nardo.

I had just about enough of this.

You know, I shelled out
some good money on you tonight.

The least you
could have done

was strip down
to your dress.

I know you're in there
somewhere.

Louie, please, it's been
a long day for both of us.

Now, come on, let's
just say good night.

Okay. Oh, okay, you're right.

Okay, I'm going to go.

But you know something, Elaine?

I mean, if you'd have just...

just relaxed
a little bit tonight,

you might have had a good time.

But, no, no, you won't allow
yourself to have fun with me.

( sighs )

I was looking forward
to it all day.

I mean, I get dressed up
real swell.

Take a beautiful woman
out on the town...

I guess I'm just not
as sophisticated as you.

No "Wait, Louie"?

Okay, so maybe I'm...

I'm a little rough
around the edges, all right?

All I wanted was to have
one classy evening in my life

but most of all, I wanted you
to have a good time,

maybe change
your opinion of me.

Nothing.

If it will make you feel
any better, Elaine,

I didn't have any fun either.

And if you think
that it's impossible

to hurt my feelings,
well, you're wrong.

Just a second, Louie.

If it will make you feel
any better...

the evening wasn't
totally rotten.

Actually, uh...
I almost enjoyed the dancing.

You know?

Especially when everybody
got around in a big circle

you know, and started clapping.

( laughing )

( chuckling )

Enthusiasm like that
doesn't come cheap.

( humming )

Ha-ha!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, Nardo.

Ah, Louie.

Thank you, Louie.

Yeah?

Yeah. It was okay.

You really mean that?

Yeah, I do.

I knew it.

I knew you
were starting to have fun.

Oh, a little bit.

Just a little?
A little bit.

Aw, Nardo. You know what, Nardo?

You know what would round
this evening out?

A good night kiss.

Oh, come on.
All right, that's it.

Now, come on, come on!

Oh, come on, come on!

Just a little kiss,
come on.

It would mean a lot to me.

Come on.

All right, come on, just
a little peck on my...!

Peck.

Come on!

Come on, just show me

that, like, you know,
this evening wasn't
a total disaster,

you don't think
any less of me.

All right, all right.

Here. There.

I'll put the shrimp puffs down.

Okay, I put the garlic bread
there, all right?

Okay? All right.

I'll stand over here.

I'll put my hands
at my sides.

I won't move.

And you can kiss me.

Go ahead. I'll
close my eyes.

Come on.

Come on.

( muffled shouting )

Well...

Thanks. I really
had a good time.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )