Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 16 - Tony and Brian - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Hey, guys, my play
got reviewed last night.

Yeah?

Take a look at this.
It's terrific.

All those weeks
of hard work--

they finally paid off.

Well, what's it say?

"The 88th Street
Actors' Workshop revival

"of Arthur Miller's
timeless classic

Death of a Salesman
is a dog."

That's terrible.



Oh, just keep reading,
keep reading.

"The staging is dull,

"the pacing awkward,
the direction thoughtless

and the acting unbalanced."

Don't let this
go to your head.

Forget it, forget it.

Just go right down to here.

"In spite of the ineptness
surrounding him,

"Bobby Wheeler
manages to give us

"a marvelous portrayal
of Biff Loman,

"which should serve
as an example of excellence

for his fellow
workshop members to emulate."

Hey, wow!

Oh, that is some review.



Thanks. The only thing
that's bothering me

is I always thought this critic
was a jerk.

I guess I was wrong.

Hey, we won!

Yeah?
Oh.

Hey, Brian!

You're looking at the kid

who drove in
the game-winning run

in one of the greatest
baseball games of all time.

Oh?

It was no big deal.

No big deal?
Brian came to bat

in the bottom
of the ninth inning.

Bases loaded, two outs,
tie game.

Talk about pressure.

Most kids would've choked,
but not Brian.

He came through
on the very first pitch.

It hit me.

Got him to first,
drove in the winning run.

All I did was get hit
by a pitch.

Yeah, but you had that pitcher
psyched out.

I struck out four times.

Made him cocky.

When you got it, you got it.

That's the way to talk.

Hey, so, uh, did you ask
your foster parents

about the movies on Sunday?

Yeah, it's okay.

Okay, come on, I'll buy you
a hot chocolate.

Hey. you're coming to the gym
tomorrow, right?

Can't. Tomorrow's
my Scarsdale day.

Scarsdale day?

What's that mean?

Every Tuesday,
Brian hangs out

at the Scarsdale
playgrounds,
meeting rich kids.

Why is that?

Rich kids have rich parents.

He figures if he
hangs around the kids,

gets invited home,
stays with the family,

he'll get himself adopted.

Oh. You know, you don't have
to be rich to adopt kids.

You know that, don't you?

They do to adopt me.

With a face like this,
I'm shooting for big bucks.

You think you're
gonna get adopted

'cause of your face?

Are you kidding?

Look at these dimples.

Ehh, not bad.

Not bad?

Look at them
in a better light.

You're right--
they're great dimples.

So, he's got to find
parents quick.

You know, the older you get,
the harder it is.

Yeah, most people
going to adoption agencies

are looking for babies.

Yeah, in this racket

you're over the hill at seven.

I'm almost eight.

I thought you were nine.

Uh-oh.
How'd you know that?

Your social worker told me.

Whew.

I was afraid it showed.

You're holding up very well
for nine.

Thanks, Alex.

I got to go.

Hey, Jeff.

Can you run him
down to Brooklyn?

I'm a little busy
right now, Tony.

Please?

Kid's got the cutest dimples.

I don't understand

why nobody wants
to adopt him.

Hey, Tony, you ever
thought of adoption?

I have parents.

I think, I just think,
he meant adopting Brian.

Are you kidding?
I'm not even married.

No, you don't have to be married
to adopt.

Single people do it
all the time now.

Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah.

You think
they'd let me adopt him?

Well, I don't know, Tony.

Have you spent much time
around kids?

Sure. I went to grade school
with hundreds of them.

Oh, that's
11 years' experience.

You know...

I think you ought
to think about it.

You'd make a great father.

Wow. Me a dad.

Oh, no.

What?

( groans )

The Long Island Bulletin

really let me have it.

What?

"Bobby Wheeler must have
a terrible case of indigestion

"from all the scenery chewing
he did last night.

I know I do."

Well, at least
nobody reads

a rag like
the Long Island Bulletin.

LOUIE:
All right, listen up.

I got a few extra copies

of the Long Island Bulletin.

Get 'em while they're hot.

Hey, Wheeler,

I brought you
some Rolaids.

( knocking )

It's us.

All right, guys.
How are you?

I'm so glad you showed up.
I really appreciate it.

I'm nervous as
hell about this.

Oh, Tony, just relax.

Come on, I'll get some beers
or something.

Hey, Tony, did you talk
to the social worker yet?

Yeah, I talked to her.

She says I've got
a pretty good chance
of adopting this kid.

All I got to do now
is pitch it to Brian.

Hey, Tony,
you sure you want us here?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, Elaine, it's gonna help
having you here because

you know
so much about kids.

And Alex and Bobby, because you
guys are my closest friends.

And Jim becau--
did I invite you?

No. I thought
it was an oversight.

Jim!

Tony, is something burning?

Lunch.

Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Wow, did you burn that
all by yourself?

Yeah, from scratch.

I'm impressed.
What was it?

Well, if I followed Elaine's
recipe right-- meat loaf.

Tony, I told you
to cook it till
it looked brown.

Yeah, but it was hard to see it
through all that smoke.

Well, I think
I can save it.

You know, I'm so excited about
this, I can't sleep at night.

I mean, the last couple days,
you know what I did?

What?
Checked out schools in the area.

And I found an apartment
down the hall with a bedroom.

And I mean,
there's just so much to do.

Look at this guy.

Tony, just calm down.
It's going to be terrific.

Oh, sure, that's easy
for you to say.

All you had to do
to get kids was give birth.

Gee, I feel so guilty I
took the simple way out.

( knocking )

That's him.

That's Brian.

You know, all of a sudden,
I feel real strange

doing this in front
of a bunch of people, you know?

I mean, it's kind of personal.

Tony, what do you
want us to do?

Could you wait
in the other room?

Tony...

the only other room
is the bathroom.

I'd really appreciate it.

Well, what the heck.

Let's give it a try.

Yo!
Jim, come on.

We're going to hide
in the bathroom.

Okay, but I better warn you--
I'm good at this.

One thousand one...
one thousand...

No, no, Jim, Jim.

You're going
to hide with us.

Okay, but you're making it
a lot easier.

One thousand one...

( knocking )

Tony, I made it.

I found a couple--
the Brennans--

and they're loaded.

What are you talking about?

I was at the Scarsdale
playground when I met a kid.

He's staying
with his aunt and uncle.

I got invited home for dinner,
and now they want me to move in.

These people already said

they're going
to adopt you?

No, they just asked me
to stay for a while

but, once I'm there,

they'll get used
to having me around.

Have you checked this out
with your foster parents?

Yeah. I even talked
to my social worker.

The agency, too.

Believe me, this little waif
is home free.

What's that?

Oh, that's some meat loaf
I cooked us up for lunch.

I'm a vegetarian.

When did you
become a vegetarian?

When I looked
at this meat loaf.

( horn honking )

That's the Brennans.

They're waiting downstairs
for me.

I got to go.

Hey, Brian,
are you sure this is it?

This is what you want?

Close enough.

Hey, Brian, maybe
somebody will come along

who wants to adopt you--

somebody even better
than the Brennans.

You mean Princess Grace
answered my letter?

Oh... what I mean is...

Brian, are you sure
the Brennans are it?

I mean, is your mind made up?

I know a good deal
when I see it.

( clinking )

Tony, I think there's
someone in your bathroom.

Oh, yeah, that's Alex,
Elaine, Bobby and Jim.

They had to freshen up.

Oh, yeah.

You told me they do
everything together.

See you.

ALL:
Bye, Brian.

Well, I got to split.

See you.

Hey.

Come on, Tony.

We're still friends.

We can still go
to the games together,

and I'll treat from now on.

Yeah, sure, why...
you know. Sure.

See you.

( door closes )

We heard, Tony.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't believe Brian
would do that to you, man.

Oh, just forget it.
You know, kids
are impulsive.

They change
their minds all
the time. Really

You don't know Brian.

Oh, Tony, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Hey, if you guys don't mind,

I'd like to be alone
for a little while.

Yeah, okay. We
understand. Let's go.

Sure.
We understand.

Listen.
Call me, you know?

See you, Tony.

Bye.

Ready or not,
here I come!

Don't help me.

Here you go.

Hey, what a night
you had.

You're getting the hang
of this, huh, Banta?

Hey, Louie,
if you don't mind,

I'd like to drive
the day shift, too.

Hey, uh, Tony...

want to take a break
and have a cup of coffee?

Nah. I want to hit
the streets, man.

What are you trying
to prove, huh?

Nothing. I'm just
trying to make
some extra money.

Tony, you're not going
to win Brian back

by hustling more fares,
you know.

You cannot compete financially
with the Brennans.

I'm not competing.

I just feel
like driving more

since he walked
out on me.

ELAINE:
Tony, don't blame Brian.

He's just a confused little boy.

You know something?

I'm getting sick and tired
of all this tolerance.

I mean, we're talking
about a nine-year-old kid

whose values are all messed up,

and I think we should
stop tolerating him

just because he's
had a hard life.

What are you getting
so mad about, Alex?

What I'm
getting mad about?

I'll tell you what
I'm getting mad about.

I'm getting mad
that he did this

and that you
let him do it,

and that money
perverts our values
and hurts people,

and that money stinks,
and that I don't have any.

No, no, no, no.
Tony, Tony, look, now.

I think somebody's got
to straighten that kid out.

In fact, I think you
ought to go over
to the Brennan house

and tell the kid you're
going to adopt him.

Why not?
Oh, no. I'm not arguing
with Brian over this.

Because, every time
I argue with him,
he outwits me.

I've seen you outwitted
by a pop-top can.

Besides, I can't go
intruding in on the Brennans.

I mean, number one: I'd feel
uncomfortable just barging in.

Number two: I don't know

how to act
around people like that.

And, number three:
They don't even know me.

You know,
Number four...

you're just
making excuses,
and you know that.

Maybe you're right,
Alex.

Maybe I'll go over there
this afternoon.

That's the way
to talk. Great.

If you'll go with me.

Hmm? Nah. Me? I'm not
going to go over there.

Why not?

Well, number one:

I'd feel uncomfortable
intruding on them.

Number two:
They don't even know me.

Number three: I don't
know how to act

around people like that.

And, number four...

What did you say
number four was?

Mr. Brennan asked

if you would wait
in the library.

Is it far from here?

This is the library.

Oh, they got one
in their house.

I'll tell Mr. and Mrs. Brennan
you're here.

Thank you.

Wow! Who'd build a nice house
like this

next to a bunch of stables?

Maybe the house was here first,
and the horses moved in later.

Makes more sense.

Hi, Tony.
Hi, Alex.

Hey, Brian.

This is a great place
you got here.

I'm sure here
are disadvantages,
too. Aren't there?

Yeah, you're right.

The pool's overheated.

Oh, well, suffering
builds character,
kid. You know?

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Brennan,

this is Tony
and Alex.

Oh, Tony, Alex.

It's a pleasure.

We've heard a lot about you.

Especially you, Tony.

I understand
you're an excellent boxer.

I stretched it a little.

Brian says you have a very
impressive knockout record.

Oh, yeah. Once, I was out
for almost an hour.

Well, I hope
to be a contender someday

but, right now,
I make my living driving a cab.

Shall we sit down?

Please, sit.

Oh, thanks.

And what
do you do, Alex?

Me? I drive
a cab also.

And you box, too?

No, I just drive a cab.

Oh, Well, what
do you want to do?

Quit.

May I offer you
a brandy?

Oh, you bet.

Thank you.

If you gentlemen
will excuse me,

I have to check on dinner.

Will you be staying?

No, I don't think so.

Well, if you change your minds,
you're certainly welcome.

Thank you.

And you, young man,

be sure and wash your hands
before dinner.

I wish she'd
take off her rings

before she does that.

Well, Tony, I admit

I don't know very
much about boxing,

but I do find
Muhammad Ali interesting.

What's he doing these days?

Last time I saw him,

he was in Alaska
selling batteries.

Uh... thank you.

You know,
if you're short

on brandy,
I could have a beer.

Oh, no.

That's the amount of brandy
you're supposed to get.

Oh... right, right.

Well, I... I did
a lot of odd jobs

while I was going
through school,

but I never
drove a cab.

What's that like?

Well, it's a lot like boxing,

only there are
a lot fewer people around

when you get beat up.

Uncle John, you got
a long distance telephone call.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me,
Alex, Tony.

Hey, Brian, you
want to go play
tennis before dinner?

Sorry, Tommy.
I'm visiting
with my friends.

Tony and Alex, this is Tommy,
the Brennans' nephew.

Nice meeting you.

Oh, hi, Tommy.

Nice meeting you.

Before I came along,

this was their
idea of cute.

Catch you later.

Brian, Alex and I got to go.

You just got here.

I know, but we just
wanted to stop by

and see how you were doing,
and you're doing great,

so we're going
to get out of here.

Oh, no, no, no.
Damn it, you're
not going to leave here

until you tell that kid
what you came here to tell him.

But you see
his mind's made up.

I'm sorry.
I don't buy that.

Listen kid, there are a lot more
important things in this life

than money, you know?

Name three.

Friends, happiness
and health.

Three that money can't buy.

You're right. He's great.

Brian, I was hoping

you weren't going
to be so happy here

so it wasn't so terrific.

Why?

Brian, uh...

On your knees.

I've been thinking
about this a lot,

and I didn't mention it
to you before because...

well, I had to make sure
it was going to work,

and because you had
the Brennans and all...

but I think you're terrific.

I'd be so proud
if you were my son.

We'd have great times together.

And I'd do,,,
I'd do my very best

to make your life
the best it can be.

Geez, what kind
of choice is this

for an eight-year-old?

A nine-year-old.

Oh, we're going
to get nasty.

So you don't want me
to be your dad?

You make it hard.

Yeah, well, he can make it
a lot tougher, you know.

How?

Well, by mentioning
a few things...

like all the great times
that you two have had together.

Things like that, huh?

( clears throat )

Hmm? Down on my knees?

Like how big a part of your life
Tony is, and vice versa.

And how he wants to adopt you
because he loves you,

not because he
feels sorry for you.

And maybe, just maybe,

because of a feeling
that he has,

and that I have,
and maybe even you have,

that you would be
a lot happier with Tony

than you could be
with these people.

Tony, I'm sorry.

But I've got to think
about my future.

You're right.

Let's get out of here.

Nice meeting you,
Mrs. Brennan.

Oh. Leaving so soon?

Yeah. We just remembered
we got something else to do.

Well, I'm glad
you dropped by.
Come again.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, if you ever think
about adopting an older kid--

like, 42 years old--

call me.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Oh, hi, Alex. How you doing?

No, man, no.

I'm not in the mood
to see anything

I got to think about.

And I already seen
Horse Feathers anyway.

Yeah. Yeah. No.
I'll give you a call.

Okay. Bye, man.

Man, the traffic in this city
is incredible!

Brian, you changed
your mind.

Sure did.

Have any extra hangers?

This is great!

I knew you'd
come through.

There's more important things
in this world than money.

Oh, man. Am I happy
to hear you say that.

Hey, Brian, I swear,
I'm going to make this work.

You'll see.

Hey, did the Brennans
take it hard?

They'll get over it.

Well, maybe
I should call them

and let them know
that you got here okay, huh?

Don't bother.

Nah. They'll worry
if I don't do it.

Tony, I said don't.

What's going on, Brian?

Oh, you're never going
to believe this,

but they didn't want
to adopt me.

Do you have any shoe trees?

They didn't want you?
How come?

I don't know.

I guess they got no taste.

I'm going to need
a drawer.

I see.

So you're ready
to settle for me now?

You got it, Dad.

Why don't you burn something up
for dinner?

"Dad" nothing.

I ain't going to be
nobody's second choice.

Sure, you're ready to come back
to me now

'cause they don't want you.

Hey, come on, Pop.
Lighten up.

Hey, Brian, tell me something.

What happens tomorrow
if a family even richer

than the Brennans comes along,
and they want to adopt you?

You'll go with them?

Hey, come on, Tony, remember?

We're buddies.

Think of all the good times
we can have together.

Don't hit me
with that smile, Brian.

Dimples either.

I know all those
tricks, man,

and none of them
are going to work.

You know, I've taken
some shots in my life,

but the ones
you've given me--

they topped them all.

So just pack what you unpacked
and hit the road, pal.

Tony, I didn't want
to have to say this,

but... you backed me
into a corner.

I love you, Tony.

There's such a thing
as being too easy.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'll tell you
what I'll do.

Let's cut these
cards right now--

see whether
you stay or leave.

High card wins.

I can't be
any fairer
than that, can I?

Yeah, you're right.

That's fair.

Okay, but I'll tell
you something, Brian.

This is it.
This is the final one.

Win or lose,
you got to stick
by the consequences.

Okay.

Come on, high card.

Come on, high card.

You go first.

It's an eight.

It's a king.

I win.

I get to keep you.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )