Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 13 - Louie Meets the Folks - full transcript

Well, looks like I'm going
to fight Rocky Sinicori again.

Oh, yeah,
I remember him.

Yeah, he gave me
a good fight.

I guess he deserves
another shot.

What, are you crazy?

He knocked you out
in the second round.

Yeah, but now he's going around
shooting off his mouth,

saying he can do it in one.

He says he had walking pneumonia

or something that night,
you know?

Fever of 104.



Oh, I hate a man
who makes excuses.

Me, too.

I say I can go two rounds
with Rocky Sinicori,

pneumonia or no pneumonia.

Hey.

Got my first
fan letter today.

Yeah?

Oh...

It's a real weird one.

You'll like this, Elaine.

"Dear Mr. Wheeler,
I saw you in a TV commercial,

"and I think you're real cute.

"Would you please

"send me a photograph,
a lock of your hair,



"one of your shirts,
a pair of your shoes

and a pillow you've slept on?"

"Thank you, love, Shirley."

I can't believe that someone
would have the nerve

to ask for this stuff.

I mean, the postage to send it
would cost you...

It came to $4.98.

Hi, everybody.

Zena!

Five minutes to candy time!

Hey, Zena, how ya doing?

Hey, Zena, I don't think
you've met Jim.

Jim Ignatowski,
this is Zena Sherman.

Hi, nice
to meet you.

Yeah, Reverend Jim's
one of our new drivers.

Uh-huh.
Zena's Louie's
girlfriend.

Oh, I thought
you looked familiar.

I saw your picture
in Louie's office.

Oh, yeah, you mean the one

where my face is taped
to the body of Miss October?

Hello, there,
honey lips.

Hi, boss.

I think he
means Zena.

Oh, my mistake.

How ya doing, Zena?

Get lost!

Look at Reiger

and Ignatowski.

They think you're serious.

She loves me.

I am serious.

Get away and leave me alone.

( laughing )

On the floor!

What a sense
of humor!
Stop it, Louie.

You're making
a jackass of yourself.

A jackass!

Did you hear that?

I tell her, "Zena, get out
of the vending company."

She should be in clubs.

She won't listen to me.

Yeah, well,
Zena's very talented.

Come on, Jim,
what say you and I

leave these two zany
people together, okay?

Okeydoke.

Boy, that Zena's
quite a card,
ain't she?

I know you're still
peeved at me,

but you don't have
to let everybody in
the garage know it, too.

I don't care.
You brought all
this on yourself.

All I asked you for
was one simple favor,

and I don't ask for
many favors, Louie.

We've been
all over this.

I told you
why I refused.

Something like this

could blow everything
we've got going.

All right.
Okay, fine.

Have it your way.

But until you
change your mind,

we don't have
anything going.

Understand?
Not anything.

Are you trying...

Anything!

You mean, no more...

slave girl
and the emperor.

You got it.

Hey, listen,
I want to give you

a little warning, baby...

I'm a tough habit
to break.

You're a Louie addict.

Nobody's been able
to do it cold turkey.

Good-bye, Lou.

Here it is, Mr...

Shut up!

All is not well in Louie-land.

Gee, I wonder what's wrong
between him and Zena.

It must be hard
on a guy like Louie,

not having any
friends to talk to

when you're in
trouble, you know?

Yeah, well, who
cares? Let's play.

JIM:
I'll talk to him.

No.

No, no, Jim.

You don't want
to do that.

I understand what
the man's going through.

All he needs to do
is relax, rest his mind,

get in touch with the oneness
of the universe.

What are you doing
in here, Ignatowski?

JIM:
Okay, boss.

Close your eyes...

take a deep
breath...

relax all
your muscles...

and listen to
the sound of being.

( chanting ):
Ooommm.

Ooommm.

Ooommm.

( snoring )

It worked.

It worked.

Somebody get
Sleeping Beauty
out of here

before I attach his tongue
to a battery charger.

"Oommm."

Get him out of here.

He's omed out.

Reiger.
What?

Can I speak to you alone?

Where can we be alone in here?

Don't worry about it.

All right, everybody out of
the garage except for Reiger.

Everybody out!

( grumbling )

Why? Because
it's a fire drill.

If you don't get out,
you're all fired.

Come on!

And take swami
with you.

Can I see you
a second?

Come on, Louie, I don't
want to talk to you.

I don't want
to talk to you.

Come on, Reiger, give me
a couple of minutes.

You can spare
another human being

two minutes of your time.

Yes, but how
does that relate

to this conversation?

Go ahead, terrific,
do jokes...

while I'm standing
here in pain.

All right, all right, all right,
you've got two minutes.

But I'm gonna preface this
conversation by telling you

that I think
very much of Zena.

I think
she's terrific,

and I think she's much
too good for you.

You got two minutes
starting right now.

Zena wants me
to meet her folks.

Why? She's
punishing them

for a lousy
childhood?

No, no, she's real
close to her parents,

and they want to meet me,

and to tell you
the truth,

I don't mind
meeting them.

I mean, it's not
inconceivable

that, you know, someday,
Zena and I might...

Marriage, Louie?

Yeah, yeah.

Just the other day,

I was thinking
about kids

and about a home
and settling down,

and suddenly,

for the first time
in my life,

all those things didn't
make me nauseous.

Oh, that's beautiful.

You've got
one minute left.

If they were
normal people,

I wouldn't worry
about making

a good impression.

You know how charming

I can be
when I want to.

Yeah, it's scary.

But they're
decent people.

I mean, I'm not used to being
around decent people.

I know, Lou.

Her father, in fact,

her father has one of the worst
imaginable professions

for me to get along with.

He's an exterminator?

He's a minister.

You're kidding.

If you're asking me
to talk Zena out of this,

just forget it.
I'm not gonna do it.

No, no, that's not
what I'm asking.

I want you to go with me.

What?

Yeah, I figure that
if you were there,

you could kinda,
you know, help me out

by stopping me before
I said something I shouldn't.

Plus, it would give
Zena's parents a chance

to see the kind of people
I have for friends.

We are not friends.

Well, you know what I mean.

I mean the kind of people
that I associate with.

We do not associate.

Well, we do something together.

What do you call
what we are to each other?

We have a longtime awareness
that the other exists,

and we know each other's names.

So what do you say?

You've got
ten seconds.

Come on, Reiger,
please.

Nine, eight...
Come on, do it for me,
for us.

For our friendship...
Seven, six...

For our longtime awareness.

Five, four...
For all the favors
that I've done for you.

For $200.
Three, two...

By golly, my watch stopped.

( doorbell rings )

Coming.

Hi, Mom.

I'm so glad
to see you.

And you must
be Louie.

I don't shake hands
with anyone

who's so close
to my daughter.

Oh, no,
Mom, Mom.

This is
Louie.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

The man you
just hugged

is Alex Reiger.

Oh! Well, I'm very happy
to meet both of you.

Let me have
your coats.

Oh, thank you.

Then go in, sit down.

Make yourselves
comfortable.

Thank you
very much.

There we go.

ZENA:
Boy, Mom, the house
looks beautiful.

Oh, yes, very nice...

Tasteful.

It smells okay, too.

Thank you.

You know,
Mrs. Sherman,

you are a very attractive woman.

I hope that Zena

is as attractive as you
in 60 years.

( stifled warning )

Strike one.

I screwed up.

I won't screw up again.

Thank you.

Cheese and
crackers,
anyone?

Oh, thanks, Mom.
Oh, yeah.

I'm really
so happy

you could all
come today.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Sherman,
that you had to make room

at the last moment
for an extra person.

Oh, that's quite all right.

The reason that
I brought Alex along

was so that
I could show you

the kind of classy guy
that I pal around with.

Say something
classy, Alex.

Well... Louie, you're
putting me on the spot.

I mean, this is
an impossible situation.

Besides, it's better to remain
silent and be thought the fool

than to speak
and remove all doubt.

You better come up with
something quick, Reiger.

I'm paying good money.

Well, I have to check
on the roast,

so just make yourselves at home.

Oh, you need some help, Mom?

Oh, no, I can handle it,
darling.

Mr. Sherman will
be home any minute.

Excuse me.

Well, can I get that
for you?

Thank you.

Certainly, ma'am.

I don't know why

I was so worried.

She's eating out of
the palm of my hand.

It's embarrassing.

Well, maybe not the palm
of your hand...

Oh, but you're
doing fine, Louie.

You know, I don't even
think that was an excuse.

I think she really had
to check on the roast.

Yeah.
I told you
they'd like you.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we don't
even need Reiger anymore.

No, no, no, please, Louie,
let me stay.

I can pick up some pointers
on charm tonight.

That must be Daddy.

Bring him on.

Oh... good evening.

Hi, Daddy.

MRS. SHERMAN:
Nathan, is
that you?

Well, if it's not,

your daughter is
hugging a stranger.

That was some joke!

Yes...

I'm bunching up phlegm,
here, it was so good.

Are you Louie?

No, I'm sorry.

Dad, I want
you to meet
Louie De Palma

and his friend
Alex Reiger.

Oh, how do you do?

Nice to meet you.

Very nice
to meet you.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

Oh, that's okay.

You can stand me up
for God anytime.

Oh, all right,
I must remember that.

He must
remember that.

That's good--
that's real good.

Well, shall we
take a load off?

Uh, I'll just
go tell Mom

to serve anytime
she's ready.

Well...

I'm glad that we're
finally getting

this chance
to meet you, Louie.

Likewise.

Would you gentlemen
like some wine?

A little vino.

Yes, that would
be very nice.

Zena has already told us
a lot about you, Louie.

I, uh... understand you live
with your mother.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, she's,
she's kind of old,

and she needs somebody
to take care of her.

Oh, is she able to get
around by herself?

Oh, yeah, she's
okay physically.

It's just that
her antenna

doesn't pick up
every channel,

if you know
what I mean.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

Oh, but she's fine.

She's really
a corker.

I mean, some of the
things that she does

will really
crack you up.

Like the other night,

she's laying in
the bathtub...

That's a mighty big bass
you've got there, Mr. Sherman.

That's really big.

What is that, a 15-,
20-pounder there?

Oh, no, no, no,
that's 18? pounds.

Wow, 18?.

I caught that
last fall at
Sundown Lake.

Oh?

I've never been prouder
of anything in my life.

I see.

Do you fish,
Mr. Reiger?

Well, no...
I mean, uh...

I don't get much
of a chance to.

Actually, when
I was a kid,

I used to go fishing
with my uncle.

Used to take me
to Tucker Creek.

Oh, I've been
to Tucker Creek
many times.

Yeah?
It's wonderful.

The brook trout in that area
are fabulous.

Which reminds me
of a joke I once heard.

How do you
keep a fish
from smelling?

I don't know.

You cut off his nose.

Well, uh...

now that we've
exhausted that topic...

does anybody want
any more wine?

No, thanks.

Don't mind
if I do.

Did I tell you

that my family is
in the wine business?

In fact, my cousin Guido

probably had
his feet in this

a couple of weeks ago.

That was
a delicious dinner,
Mrs. Sherman.

Thank you.

Delicious.

That was wonderful!

I loved it.

I loved it!

Well, thank you.

I'm very glad
that you enjoyed it.

Beth, you've hardly
touched your food.

Well, I have
a little touch
of indigestion.

Oh, so do I.

I hope we don't have
to have a race to the can

after dinner.

That bass was what--
18? pounds?

The fish again?

So... Zena, Louie,
why don't you tell us

all about those little things

that parents want to know about
their daughter's boyfriend?

About your dating, the wheres,
the hows... the-the-the whys.

I'd been admiring
Louie from afar

and Alex introduced us.

Louie asked me out
right away.

And well, it was
rocky at first,

till we got to know
each other.

Yeah. Whoa, it was
really tough for me.

You see, I had
never been out

with a girl
like Zena before.

I don't mind talking
about this, I mean,

because now it's all
behind me. I mean...

But Zena is
the first non-pro

I've ever
been out with.

Non-pro?

Yeah, let me,
let me explain this.

Uh, um, you see...

uh, as far as me having
a lasting relationship...

before I met Zena,

the longest relationship
I ever had was 30 minutes.

ALEX:
Louie, Louie...

Louie, Louie.

You know what I'm talking
about, huh, padre?

Oh, for God's
sake, Louie.

What, Reiger? Loosen up.

Everybody's having
a good time here.

Have some more
of the grape.

Oh, but
seriously now,

this tomato is
the best thing

that ever happened
to Louie De Palma.

Well, excuse me.

I think I'd better
clear the dishes.

Why don't you all go
in the living room,

and I'll bring in
some coffee.

Oh, yes, coffee.

Coffee! Coffee
is a good idea.

Louie.

Louie, how about
if you volunteer

to stay and help me?

Do I have a choice?

Where should we
start, mon general?

Oh, Louie--

Louie, I have
a confession to make.

I didn't really
want you

to help me
clear the table.

I did this because
I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, Beth,
I already have a girl.

Sit down, Louie.

This will only
take a moment.

It's about you
and Zena.

Oh.

You know, Louie, uh,

Mr. Sherman and I have
always tried very hard

not to interfere
in Zena's life.

We've been aware

that being the child
of a minister

is sometimes difficult.

There are people
who sometimes are

uneasy around you
or they tease you,

or they think you're
overly righteous.

And knowing that,
we've always tried

to let Zena have as much freedom
as any other kid...

possibly more.

That's why I'm going to give my
blessing to this relationship.

So go ahead, Louie,

and continue seeing Zena

and have dates and be friends,

or whatever you like,

but Louie, I don't think
it would be a good idea

for the two of you to ever
start planning anything

or talking about something
like marriage.

Because if you do,
I'll have you killed.

I think I can do that, can't I?

I mean, I read about that
in a book once.

You can hire people to do
that for you, can't you?

Yeah.

Now, what do you
call them?

Hit men.

Hit men-- that's it.

I've got
to remember that.

I know
that they charge

quite a bit
of money.

Yeah.

But you know,
it would probably ruin

everything I've ever tried
to do with my life.

And poor Nathan!

He would be destroyed,

but it would be worth it,
don't you think?

I don't know.

Well, now, you can go
and join the others,

and I'll get the coffee.

Oh, by the way, please,

don't say anything
about this to Zena

or to Mr. Sherman.

We'll just keep this

as our own little
secret, all right?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

Hit men?

Yeah, hit men.
Hit men.

So of course,

by the time I landed
the darn thing,

I was up to my knees
in mud.

( laughs nervously )

Another fish story,
Reiger?

Well, don't let me
interrupt you.

Lou, did you have
a nice talk with Mom?

Oh, yes, delightful.

And now we can all
have our coffee.

Good.

Here you are, Nathan.

Zena.

Thanks,
Mom.

Alex.

Thank you.

And this is
for you, Louie.

Switch with me.

Huh?

Switch with me.

Why?

Just do it.

All right.

Ma, did you enjoy
your talk with Lou?

Oh, very much.

I'll never forget it.

Will you, Louie?

No... I'll never
forget it either, ma'am.

Good.

I assure you, I meant
everything I said

from the bottom
of my heart.

Well, I think we'd
better be going.

Oh.

Well, it's late.

I've got to get up
for work tomorrow.

Oh, but, Louie, we haven't
had our coffee yet.

I don't want any coffee,
thank you.

Why, I'm sorry
that you have
to leave so soon.

Well...

Next time you can all
come to my place.

Well, we'll be looking
forward to that.

I'm sure.

Yeah, well, uh...

Good night, good night
everybody.

Good night, Alex.

Good night,
Mr. Sherman.

Good night,
Louie.

Say good night
to Mom, Lou.

Uh, good night,
Mrs. Sherman.

Good night, Louie.

You know something, Mom?

You know what would
really make me happy?

Hmm?

If you'd give Lou
a little good-bye kiss.

Oh, no, no, no.
Why, I'd be happy to.

( growling )

No, no, we...

No. No.

See?
And you were worried.

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )