Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 12 - Elaine's Secret Admirer - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( loud knocking )

Who is it?

ALEX ( disguising voice ):
Paint crew

reporting
for work, ma'am.
( laughs )

Come on in.

ALL:
Hey!

You look great.

Hi, Elaine,
how you doing?

Oh, really,
thanks, guys.

Thanks for offering to help.



Hey, Elaine, what do you want
to paint the apartment for?

It looks fine to me.

I just
got this
sudden urge.

Uh-oh, you're
doing it again.

What?

Do you realize that every time

you break up with a guy
you paint your apartment?

No.
No?

Well, yeah, maybe I've
done it a couple times.

Couple of times?

Elaine, there must be
20 coats of paint here.

It's been a rough year.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Let's see, the blue one is Tom,



and under Tom was Roger,
and under Roger was Eric,

and under Eric was...
I forget.

Looks like a dull gray.

My ex-husband.

Well, here's hoping
it's your last coat.

Hey, guys, come on,
what do you say?

I'm ready to work.

Okay, where
do we start?

I, uh, I know a good way
to do this.

Once in, uh, '65,

some friends of mine and I
painted my place

by dipping our heads in buckets
and then painting with our hair.

We were thinking of using
brushes and rollers.

Hey, I'll try anything once.

Well, listen, while you
guys figure this out,

I have to run down
and get my mail.

All right,
come on.

Hey, Elaine, you know,
you better hurry up

or we're going to
be done, you know?
Okay, okay.

Okay, first thing is,
we put the tarp over
the furniture.

Now we're cooking.

Here we go.

Come on,
pick up an end.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute,

you know, this is silly,
trying to do this

and drink beer
at the same time.

BOTH:
You're right.

Hey, guys, while we're working,
maybe I'll turn on the Jet game.

We'll watch, you know
what I mean, while
we're working.

Hey, Tone, Tone, we're
supposed to be painting.

That's all right, as long
as we don't put the sound on,

we'll watch it
every once in a while.

Okay, come on,
let's get this done, huh?

Sounds good.
Okay.

Hey, look at that.

Boy, you know,
that Earl Campbell--

he's really
something, huh?

Yeah. I wonder how much
he gets paid

for a commercial
like that.

Hey, we'll be
painting anytime
here, Elaine.

Hurry up.

Elaine, you better
clear off those shelves--

we're going to hit
that wall any second now.

Elaine?

Elaine?

What?

Something wrong?

( laughs ):
No, um...

It's just that somebody sent me
a poem in the mail.

Oh?

A very romantic poem.

Oh, yeah?

Who?

I don't know, it's anonymous.

Uh... what does it say?

You want me
to read it out loud?

Oh, come on, Bobby, uh,
it's probably very personal.

You don't read things
like that out loud.

TONY:
Geez, Bobby.

Pass it around--
we'll read it
to ourselves.

No, no, no, that's okay,
I'll read it, I'll read it.

( clears throat )

"I saw you standing
in a Manhattan sunset,

"your auburn hair blowing
from Atlantic winds.

"Your eyes were smiling
at thoughts

far away..."
( suppressed laughing )

"...dancing to sonnets
only you could hear.

"If I could, I would
build you a castle,

"in a world in some other time,

"a castle I could only imagine,

a castle only you
could inspire."

Can you believe that?

That's very pretty.

Who do I know that would
do something like this?

Well, you can't
rule out anybody.

It could be somebody
from the garage,

somebody from
your gallery,

somebody from
your past.

( French accent ):
Maybe somebody in
this very room, uh?

Oh, sure,
one of you?

Hey, why not?

Hey, yeah, Elaine,

you don't think we
can be sensitive guys?

Yeah, maybe I'm being
a little hard...

Hey, the Jets
just scored.

( cheering and whooping )

ALEX:
Hi, Elaine.

Hi. Alex, uh, I want
to thank you guys

for coming over
to paint yesterday.

Hey, we enjoyed it.

When do you think
you can come back

and actually do the painting?

Anytime, Elaine, anytime.

You hear about
the mash note

Nardo got in her locker
this morning?

Louie, it wasn't a mash note.

Yeah, I got another poem, I...

How did you know that
that was in my locker?

I went through it.

You went through my locker
this morning?

Don't get excited,
I go through it every morning.

In fact, I go through
everybody's lockers.

I'm responsible for everything
that comes into this garage,

so I have to ascertain if
anything's being hidden illegal.

If you don't like it,
buy a padlock.

I will.

I got two models--

the one-buck model
and the ten-buck.

What's the difference?

The ten-buck takes me longer
to pick.

Another poem, huh?

Yeah, this one's even sweeter
than the first.

Poems get you hot, huh, Nardo?

Louie.

Hey, listen, if this was
found in your locker,

it must mean it's
somebody in the garage.

I don't even care
who it was.

No? Why not?
No.

Because the whole thing is
just so stupid and corny

and high school.

And worst of all,
it is getting me hot.

( chuckling )

You know, Alex, um...

the thought has crossed my mind
that, uh,

maybe you were the one
who wrote the poems.

Did you?

No, I'd like to claim them,
but I'm not much of a poet.

I once wrote a poem for my wife.

She graded it.

Well, until I figure this out,

it's gonna really
drive me crazy.

Let me take a look
at the handwriting.

Yeah, I don't
understand...

Mm, French...

Elaine?

What?

No, never mind.

I have to do it.

Could I speak to you
a second alone over there?

I guess.

Will you
excuse us, Alex?

Yeah, sure.

What would you say
if I told you

the person you hate most
on earth wrote those poems?

You wrote them?

You could have taken
some time with that.

Do you expect me
to believe this?

Is that so hard
to believe?

All this time you've been
writing me off as a lowlife.

Those poems are mine.

Maybe this will be
a lesson to you,

not to judge a book
by its cover.

Louie?

Yes?

Would you recite one
of your poems for me?

Are you testing me, Elaine?

You want to bring it down
to that level?

Every poet I've ever heard can
recite some of his own poetry.

Okay.

I can do that.

You want me to do it here?

Mm-hmm.

Cascading... cascades...

cascading water...

a waterfall...

clouds...

lots of them, white and puffy.

You know, clouds...

And flowers covered with dew,
and trees hanging over,

and you and me naked on a rock.

That is the most
disgusting poetry.

Just get away from me.

( chuckling )

This close to
the promised land.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Tony.
Hi.

Hey, great paint party.

ELAINE:
Yeah.

Hey, you still
reading that poem?

I got another one.

Another one?
Yep.
Yeah.

That's two poems
in two days.
Yep.

Think they're
from the same guy?

That's a thought.

TONY:
Hey, guys.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi.
Hi, Jim.

LOUIE:
Ignatowski!

Where you been?

I don't work weekends.

You been gone nine days.

Right.

TONY:
Jim.

Weekends are only two days.

Oh, I thought we'd switched
to the metric system.

Hey, guys,
hey, guys, guess what?

Elaine got another one
of them love notes today.

Yeah, and it was
found in her locker,

so I figure it must be
somebody in the garage.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Hey, I bet
I know who it is.

I'll betcha it's that
Don Reavey guy who's
always hitting on you.

You know, I thought of him, too.

Did you ever go out
with this Don Reavey?

No.

He's a good-looking guy.

Yeah, if you consider
dark, wavy hair,

magnetic eyes and a killer smile
attractive.

Some women go for that.

But I always thought of him

as kind of shallow, you know?

I wish I could hang around
and help you figure it out,

but I'm late for an acting
class-- I'll see you.

Hey, I'm gonna catch
a ride with you to the gym.

Hey, thanks for the painting
party, it was great.

Sure.
( laughs )

Nardo, telephone.

Elaine's enjoying
those poems, huh?

Yeah. She'd enjoy
them a lot more

if she knew who
was writing them.

Maybe the guy's
got a good reason
for keeping quiet.

Like what?

Maybe he writes better
than he looks, talks...

is.

Yeah, maybe.

Jim, is this you?

Sure. Is this you, Alex?

You're the one

that's been writing
these poems.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are.

Okay, okay, I can't take
this browbeating.

Why are you
doing this?

Shh.

( whispering ):
Why are you doing this?

What?

Come here.

What's this all about?

Those poems sound like
you're in love with Elaine.

I'm in love with Elaine

in the sense that I'm in
love with all living things.

You don't write poems
to all living things.

Yes, I do.

You don't mail poems
to all living things.

Yes, I do.
( exasperated groan )

What?

Look, let me explain.

You remember
when Elaine broke up

with that guy
named Steve?
Yeah.

We were all sitting around
Mario's having a beer,

and Elaine came in,
and she was real down.
Yeah.

So I said to myself,

I know what will pick
that lady up-- a nice poem.

So I thought I'd go down
to the library and look one up,

but I couldn't find one.

Couldn't find a poem?

I couldn't find a library.

So I had to make up
my own poem.

And I sent it to her,
and it worked.

Took her head
off her troubles.

Why don't you tell her?

She's dying to know.

She only wants to know
who wrote the poems

because she doesn't know
who wrote the poems.

You mean that if she
found out it was you,

she'd be disappointed?

There are a lot of
people in this world

who think I'm a flake.

Who thinks that?

Me, for one.

So what do you say

we keep this
between the two of us?

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

It might not
be so much harm

if Elaine believes that
she has a secret admirer.

Let's shake on it.

We just shook on it.

Oh, good.

Great, I don't have to go
to the gallery today.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi, Don.

Um... Don, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure.

Thanks, Louie.

I don't know whether
you've heard or not,

but somebody has been
sending me anonymous poetry.

Yeah.

You heard about that?

Yeah.

Do you know anything
about it?

Yeah.

You know who's been
sending me the poetry?

Yeah.

You?

Yeah.

You know,
I kind of thought so.

In fact, you were one of
the first people I thought of.

Yeah?

You read a lot of poetry?

Yeah.

It's kind of surprising,
you know, because, uh,

the image that you
have around the garage

is so different
from poetry.

You know what I mean?

DON:
Yeah.

You have a way with words.

Yeah.

You want to go out
for some coffee?

Yeah.

Did you see what just happened?

Can you believe
she fell for that?

Hey, I fell for it,
and I wrote them.

I don't know about you guys,

but I can't possibly go paint
Elaine's apartment again.

We've been over there four times
in the last two weeks,

and every time I come back
with the worst hangover.

We put away
a lot of beer.

Well, maybe if we did
some painting next time...

Hey, uh, if you guys feel
so bad, how come I feel fine?

Y-You mean your head
doesn't hurt

and your tongue doesn't
feel thick and grungy,

and-and your body
doesn't feel like it's
been turned inside out?

Yeah.

Jim, some people find
that feeling very uncomfortable.

TONY:
Hey, Elaine, you
look foxed out.

Thanks.

You going out
with Don Reavey again?

Yeah.

I guess we have been seeing
a lot of each other.

You mean, you been
dating this guy
because of his poems?

Oh, not entirely.

He's a very sweet person.

You know, I really hope

that you all get
to know him better.

I hope I get
to like him better.

No, Tony, he's really nothing
like you see in the garage.

I mean, inside,
there's this very sweet,

sensitive human being.
( Alex laughs )

I mean, you read his poems.

Yeah, well, somehow, I
just can't put Don Reavey

and those poems together--
they seem like

two different guys to me,
if you know what I mean.

I-I used to be like that.

Had a split personality.

When I was with people,
I was the life of the party,

but I'd get home alone,
all by myself, I'd clam up.

Yeah. Uh...

Okay, I have some cabs
to get out here.

Wheeler, Stargill, Banta, let's
get the cars on the road here.

Um, Louie,

I just stopped by to tell you

that I'm not going
to be driving this weekend.

I know.

You're going to Vermont
for the weekend with Don Reavey.

How did you know that?

I found train tickets and
ski rental slips in his locker.

Did you hear that?

They're going away
for the whole weekend.

That's pretty serious--

the two of them alone together
for nine days.

Jim, listen to me,
you've got to tell her.

I can't do it, Alex.

Um, Elaine, uh, I want
to tell you something.

Uh, Don Reavey is not
your poet-- he's a liar.

Alex, I know you don't
like Don, but...

No, it has nothing to do
with not liking him.

He did not
write the poems.

How do you know that?
Because I know
who wrote them.

You're serious,
aren't you?
Yes, I am.

Well?

Huh? Uh, no, I...
I'm sorry.

Come on, who
wrote the poetry?

I promised
I couldn't tell.

Oh, great!
But I didn't promise

I wouldn't nod
if you guessed it right.

Alex, I'm not gonna
play stu-- Tony.

Bobby.

Brian.

Val. Nick.

Johnny Fingers. Eddie.
Billy. Ron. Harry?

Um, Pepe, Carlo, Pedro,
uh, Pavlovsky, Carlos,

uh, uh, Jeff, Ahmad...

Latka.
No.

The bald guy who
comes on Thursdays?

Sheila?
Sheila?

Well, that's everybody
in the garage.

So I guess it's nobody.

Yeah...
it's nobody.

It's you.

How did you guess?

I can't believe it.

I'm sorry.

Why did you do it?

I thought
you'd like it.

Oh, I liked it.

Oh, yeah, and like...
I liked it so much that...

that I started falling in love
with the guy.

I was just trying
to make you feel better.

Well, good job.

I can honestly say

without fear of
contradiction that this...

this is the most embarrassed
I've ever been in my whole life.

You know, on second thought...

I guess I should be happy
about one thing.

You finally got it
through my thick skull that, uh,

there aren't going to be
any castles in my life.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, Alex...

what do I do to make
her feel better?

I'm afraid there aren't
any easy answers, Jim.

I know a pill that would do it.

But it has a terrible
side effect.

Like what?

It wears off.

See?

There are castles.

This is incredible.

Thanks, I made it myself.

This is the most amazing thing
anyone has ever done for me.

Thank you.

I was, uh, going
to buy you a scarf,

but I couldn't find
a department store.

Still upset?

You're making it hard.

Yeah.

Well, I guess
I'd better go.

I've got to get up
sometime tomorrow.

Oh, Jim, wait.

There's something
not right here.

Hey, uh, I didn't
have time for a moat.

I'll see you.

Could you tell me where
I catch the bus from here?

Why didn't you just drive
your van over?

Well, uh...

...your castle has about
150,000 miles on it.

Oh, God.

Hey, how about, uh,
I crash here for a year or so?

Jim.

I know.

I'm not every woman's dreamboat.

But you are the
dearest, sweetest,

most wonderful person.

I think you're right.

Funny thing,

there used to be a time
when that was enough.

Excuse me.

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )