Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 9 - Money Troubles - full transcript

( theme music playing )

LOUIE:
Let's go, Rieger.

Heave the old tush
this way.

Where's your
friend Burns?

John? Out somewhere.
I don't know. Why?
Is it important?

I want to give him a kiss.

Oh.

I got a driver
waiting for his cab

who makes us a profit.

Would you give him a break,
Louie?

The guy just got married.
They're both in school.



They need all the money
they can get.

That's not for me to know.

All right.

A good dispatcher
has got to be

impersonal,
separate, aloof.

That's why you notice I never
fraternize with you drivers.

I thought that was our choice.

Just don't tell me
about the newlyweds

and their hard times.

I don't want to hear.

I don't want to know.

I don't give a damn.

Just one thing
bothers me.

What's that?



Why hasn't the young couple
invited me to dinner?

After all you've done for them.

Okay, Latka,
now try this one.

Are you hungry?

Oh, polishing up
for tonight's

dinner conversation, huh, Latka?

Yes.

I am so hungry
I could eat a dog.

Not quite,
huh, Latka?

No, Latka, it's not
"I could eat a dog."

It's "I could
eat a horse."

Eat horse?

Echhh!

You'd rather
eat a dog?

Okay, Latka, come on.
Back to work.

Now, let's say
you walk in, okay?

You walk in,
and you look around,

and you say...

Please pass the salt.

No, Latka.
You look around,

and you say, "My, what
a lovely apartment."

My, what
a lovely apartment.

Please pass the salt.

No. Soon. Soon.

He likes salt.

Okay, now,
let's say that you walk in,

and they put you
at the table, right?

And they give
you some food,

and they say,
"Are you hungry?"

And you say,

"I'm so hungry
I could eat a..."

Cow.

No.

Uh... bear?

No.

Please pass the salt.
Pass the salt.

I was waiting
for that.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, John.
Hi, John.

Guys, you ready
for tonight?

Oh, are we ever.

You hungry, Latka?

I'm so hungry
I could eat a horse.

Echhh!

Burns.

Uh-oh.

Get over here.

Here you go.

Burns, I got a pencil
in my hand,

and I'm writing down the words,

"Dinner... with... Burns."

Now, all I have to write down
is when.

Oh, well, Louie,
you see, right now...

When?

Look, Louie, this isn't right.

I mean, down here you're my
boss, and I do what you say.

But who I have in my home
is my own business,

and I won't be pressured
about it.

All right.

All right.

I wasn't going to come,
you know.

All I wanted was an invitation.

All you had to say
was, "Louie, come."

And I would say,
"Thanks, but no,

because I make it a policy never
to fraternize with the help."

But no! You couldn't even do me
that little courtesy.

You hurt me, Burns.

Uh... Louie...

Would you come to dinner
with Elaine next week?

I'd be delighted.

It's 8:00 p.m.?

SUZANNE:
John, would
you taste this?

Oh, sure.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I burned my tongue.

Let me kiss it
and make it better.

Mmm...

Gee, I can hardly wait
for my first sunburn.

( knocking )

There they are.

Okay.

Uh... okay.

Welcome.

Hi.
Hi.
Hi.

Hi, Latka.

Hi.

My, what a lovely apartment.

Oh, thanks, Latka.

Oh, these are for you.

Oh, thanks.

I think I've got a vase.

Want wine?

I make myself.

Thanks, Latka.

Hey, look, honey,
homemade wine.

Oh, great. Is it
red or white?

Brown!

I'll open it.

Dinner is almost ready.

Are you guys hungry?

Are you kidding?

I could eat a horse.

What's wrong?

I think
I stole his line.

I'm sorry, Latka.

( speaking native language )

I said
I'm sorry, Latka.

Okeydoke.

I'll pour us four glasses
of Latka's wonderful, uh...

different, huh?

I made with...
I made with honey.

Oh, really?

How unusual.

Yeah, it goes
equally as well

with fish or meat
or... waffles.

Oh, uh, does anyone know
a really long toast?

Vootka!

That's it, huh?

Well, good luck.

Hey, that's not bad.

Good, Latka.

You know,
I sort of like it.

More?

No.
That's enough. Thank you.

( phone ringing )

Honey,
you serve this.

I'll get that.

Start without me.

Gentlemen,
dinner is served.

Oh, thank you.

Could you please
pass the salt?

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I swear it will
never happen again.

Never.

Mmm!

You must give me your recipe,

my dear.

It's just a salad, Latka.

You must give me recipe.

I think you'd better.

Lettuce and tomato.

Thank you very much.

Daddy says hello.

Oh. Anything new?

No.

Suzanne's parents
have just been great.

Do you know

they pay our rent?

Oh, was that a secret?

Something wrong, Suzanne?

No! No, it's nothing.

Will you stop,
Suzanne?

Come on.
What is it?

Later, okay?

Fine.

( thumping )

( banging )

Boy, I sure love
these little tomatoes.

I used to hate the little guys,

but then, one day, boom,
I love them.

Just like that.

I still hate big tomatoes.

Look, I'm all out
of tomato banter.

Can we try something else?

Oh, I'm sorry. I got
some upsetting news.

If you want us to leave,
it's okay.

No, no, Alex. We
wouldn't think of it.

Honey, this is Alex.

We have nothing
to hide from him...

or Latka.

( speaking native language )

Come on, honey.
You'll feel better.

All right.

Well, my folks just bought
a condominium in Florida.

Oh, honey, that's okay.

That's not it.

They're moving in two weeks.

Oh, honey, that's okay.

That's not it either!

They won't be paying
our rent anymore.

Suzanne, what are we
going to do?

I don't know.

( banging )

Gee whiz, Suzanne

Why did you have
to tell us now for?

John, you told me to!

Yeah, but you knew
what it was.

You like cauliflower?

I always hated cauliflower.

There. You see
what you did?

He's gone back
to vegetables.

Listen, I know this
is serious, but...

No, Alex. You
don't understand.

We're wiped out.

We counted on her
parents' money
to get by.

We're down
to the bone
as it is.

And now, with this
drop in our income,

I don't know
how we're
going to make it.

Suzanne might have
to quit school...

Why don't you quit school?

Why should I quit school?

Me?!

Yes, you!

I'm not saying you should be
the one to quit school.

Oh, yeah?
I'm just saying
it's an open question.

Yeah. We both have plans
for our careers.

I want to be a nurse,

and you want
to be a... forest ranger.

Forestry!
It's called forestry!

I'll get a degree
just like a nurse,

and then I'll go
to graduate school, and then...

Then you'll go out
and save Bambi's mother.

Boy, you make me mad!

You make me want to, uh...

Melmac. You see that?

Ever since I married you,
I'm too poor

to even get
mad good.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, too.

I'm sorry about this, Alex,

but I just got
to get out of here

and take a walk.

Come on, Latka.
I think we'd better go.

Eh, wait... wait a minute.

Yes?

Let's do this again sometime.

Hey, Alex, what's going on?

Oh, money trouble.

A little short, huh?

No, a little long.

You wouldn't think

that having too much money
would be a problem, would you?

No.

Well, it is. A big one.

How do you get it?

Get what?

Alex has too much money.

Aw...

No, no. That's not
what I'm talking about.

Why don't you
tell us about it, Alex.

It's not really my problem.

A couple of friends of mine
have money troubles

and, well, I think
I can help them.

I just don't know
whether I should help them.

Do we know them?

Well, what's the difference?

Well, if we know them,
we can all help out.

How much do they need?

$2,500.

I don't think we know them.

Hey...

Hi.

Oh, John.

You don't look so good.

Well, I've been driving
16 hours straight,

I've got impossible problems,
and my marriage is over.

Well, in that case,
you don't look so bad.

John, don't talk that way.

You just had
a little disagreement

with Suzanne,
that's all.

No. It's more than that.

I mean it.

After you left,

we cleared the table
in silence.

In silence, we made the bed.

And then, in silence,
we went straight to sleep.

Sounds like a nice,
quiet evening.

Straight to sleep.

Do you hear what
I'm saying, Alex?

For the first time
in our married life

Suzanne and I
went straight to sleep.

Yeah, well, some people
like the mornings.

This morning we went
straight to work.

John, are you sure you want
to talk about this

because I for one, can live
without it.

Straight to sleep,
after one month of marriage.

I didn't figure
that would happen

for ten or 20 years.

Well, John, sometimes
people just aren't in the mood.

Look, we were
always in the mood.

Maybe some couples
don't... every night,

but we did,

and it meant something
very special to us

and, last night,
when we didn't...

I really missed it.

John, you know, maybe I'm
not the one to give advice.

I mean, my marriage didn't
last that long itself,

but one thing
I'm really sure about.

There's two words
that can fix
just about anything

that goes wrong
in a marriage--

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

I thought
of that myself.

I'm going to go
home right now.

Thanks a lot, Elaine.

I'm proud of you.

Just say the words.

Be nice.

Just one thing.
How do I get her to say it?

Suzanne, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. too.

Oh.

Let's not fight anymore.

We're so silly.

I know.

But now
it's all behind us.

Right.

Right.

Except for one thing.

Oh? What's that?

Well, we're
still too poor

for both of us
to go to school.

Yeah.

Look, Suzanne,

I have an idea.

Now, this may sound crazy...

but, but, but let's not
think about school, okay?

We'll think about something
entirely different--

something else--

and then maybe,
when we're involved

in an entirely
different matter,

just maybe the answer will
pop right into our heads.

A very interesting theory, John.

What did you have in mind?

Well, I was thinking
maybe we could go jogging,

or we could go in the bathroom

and scrape those daisies
off the bathtub.

I hate jogging,
and I like the daisies.

All right.

( knocking )

What? Hello.

It's me. Alex.

Ya!

Uh, just a minute.

It's stuck.

Are you okay?

All right? All right?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Alex. What a surprise.

Hey, listen.
I can come back.

Oh, no, no.

Whatever it is,
let's get it over with.

Please, sit down.

Okay.

Thanks.

Gee, I always wanted
one of those.

A couch that converts
to a high chair.

Listen, the reason I came over

is I was thinking of loaning
you the money you need.

Oh, Alex...

No, no, please. Let me finish.

I'm really not sure

that loaning you the money
is such a good idea

because, see,
I've loaned money to friends

a few times in my life.

It's not only
getting the money back,

although that's
a very important factor.

It's just a question

of how it affects
the relationship between...

Did I mention that getting

the money back
is important?

I covered that, huh?

You sure?
Oh, yes, yes.

Okay. It's just that...

well, you end up by losing
friends a lot of the time,

and I don't know what I would do

without those warm evenings
as your dinner guest

and, uh...

You get

what I'm saying?

I'm saying, do you want it
in cash or a check?

Oh... Alex,
I really love you

for making that offer.

Yeah, yeah. So how
do you want to work this?

I can't, Alex.

I mean, it's terrific
of you to offer,

but there's no way
I can take that kind
of money from you.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Uh, don't you think
we should discuss this, John?

Huh?
Huh?

Oh, yeah. Why don't you
talk it over with Suzanne

for a second and...
while I go to the bathroom?

Alex, there's
no need for you

to go to the bathroom.
I know how I feel.

Yes, there is.
I know how I feel.

Are you upset?

Oh, just about little stuff.

I didn't know he was coming.

There are no towels
in the bathroom.

And, besides that,
I cannot figure out

why it's okay
to take money from my folks

but not your friends

when it comes to something
as important as our education.

You're absolutely right.

It wasn't okay, either,

to take money
from your folks,

and I knew that
whenever they
called us up

and told us
that they were
moving to Florida

and couldn't pay
our rent anymore.

I mean,
here they were,

calling up
with great news.

Instead of us being
excited for them,

we were
miserable for us.

Right away, I was
a different person.

I resented
your folks.

I resented you.

I resented Florida.

I just can't take
that money from Alex.

Look,

I love going
to bed every night

being real
proud of myself.

I'm working hard.

I've got a beautiful
girl beside me.

We're starting
out great.

I wouldn't feel great
going to bed every night

wondering how much
I owed Alex,

or whether I should
even have taken it

from him in
the first place.

Is it so terrible to say
that I want peace of mind?

So that's what
that silly smile is

on your face every night.

That's peace of mind.

You bet.

I sure would
miss that smile.

What's the answer then?

The only alternative

is that one of us
leave school.

Well, then, maybe one of us
should leave school.

Which one?

Well, I guess the only
fair way to settle this

is to flip a coin.

It seems crazy
to have our lives

running on one
flip of a coin.

Okay.

Heads or tails?

I don't believe
we're doing this.

Tails.

Okay.

Tails-- I drop out
of school.

Heads-- you drop out of school.

Right.

Good luck.

You, too.

Here goes.

It's heads.

Oh.

Well, I guess that's that, then.

I'll quit at the end
of this semester.

Oh, Suzanne!

( sobbing )

Oh, John, it's okay.

I'll just be a nurse
a little later,

that's all.

You don't understand.

I lied.

It was tails.

I just want to go
to school so bad!

Look, I'll go nuts
if I'm a cab driver

the rest of my life.

Please, let me go to school.

No. I can't ask that.
What am I turning into here?

No, you go to school,
and that's it!

And I'll go to school.

We'll take the money
from Alex.

It will be okay.

We'll pay him back.

All right.

It doesn't feel
quite that bad.

Alex!

Yeah?

Alex, uh...

We talked it over.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

And we feel that
borrowing money

can really hurt
a friendship.

I know. I know.

But, Alex, we decided
that our friendship

can stand the strain,

and we'll borrow
as much money as you've got.

Great.

Oh, what would
we do without you?

Just another day
in the life of Alex Rieger,

super jerk.

Oh, Nardo.

Getting excited
about next Tuesday, hmm?

What's next Tuesday?

Ooh, ain't you the cool one.

Next Tuesday,
as if you didn't know,

is when you and me
are going to John's to dinner--

our big date.

Well, it's not a date, Louie.

Boy, we're going to have
tongues wagging that night.

Huh, toots?

Just give me
the receipt.

Louie, you and I
are separately invited

to the same place.

It's a coincidence,
that's all.

You say coincidence.

I say destiny.

And dinner's just
a foot in the door.

After that...

it's a couple
of late-night drinks,

a little disco dancing,
and then magic time.

Louie, I want you
to listen very carefully

to what I have to say.

No.

Okay, if you don't want
to ride a rocket to the stars,

that's your business.

Thanks.

Of course, if I want
to tell everyone you did,

that's my business.

Okay, and if I want
to tell everyone
you couldn't,

that's my business.

Here's your receipt.

Get out of here.

Night, Mr. Walters.

Mmm.