Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 8 - Paper Marriage - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Excuse me.

We're looking for
Louie De Palma.

Well, we got one, but ours
is in the men's room.

( chuckles )
Can I help you?

Yeah. We're with
the Immigration
Department.

Oh?

We're trying to find
a Latka Gravas.

A Latka Gravas?

Do you mind if I see
your identification?

Thank you.



I never heard of him.

Gentlemen, we're going
to grab a cup of coffee.

We'll be back in a few
minutes to see Mr. De Palma.

Fine.

Latka.

Get out of there.

Latka.

What do those men from
the Immigration Department
want to see you for?

They send letter.

Let me see.

Yeah, it's from

the Immigration Department.

Latka, how long ago
did you get this?

Two weeks.



How come you

didn't have any of us
translate it for you?

Did it myself.

How far did
you get?

"Dear Allen."

That's "Alien."

Latka's Student Visa
ran out a month ago.

Listen to this. "If you do not
contact this office by"--

that's four days ago--

"a warrant will be issued
for your arrest."

Uh-oh.

Latka, those men were here
today to arrest you.

What means "arrest"?

Prison.

Uh... behind bars.

Jail.

Police.

Oh, no. I...
( speaks native language )

Latka, Latka,
Latka, sit down.

Just sit down.

Latka, La...
Do you have your papers?

Papers?

Papers.

Zigzags?

No.

You know, Latka,
you're in real trouble.

Hey, hey, hey,
what's the big deal?

The worst thing that can happen

is they send you back
where you came from.

You ever see any of the letters
Latka gets from his homeland?

They have postage stamps
that honor barbed wire.

Okay, you bozos.

I cleaned all
your filthy graffiti

off the walls of the can.

And I want you to know

what you wrote about me
in there was disgusting.

Some of it ain't even true.

You should see

what's written
about you

on the walls of
the ladies' room.

I know what it says in there.

I wrote it.

Hey, Louie, Louie,
a couple of guys...

a couple of guys came in here
looking for Latka.

They said they're going to come
back and talk to you.

What do they
want Latka for?

They want to arrest him
as an illegal alien.

So, why didn't you
just give him to them?

Do I have to do everything
around here?

What?

Louie, we've got to help Latka.

This is very serious.

Serious? What's serious?
ALEX:
Hey, Louie!

You're not going to
turn him in, are you?

Well, I ain't lying to no feds.

I can't do it.

I won't do it.

You can get into too much
trouble doing that.

Those guys scare me.

Louie, this is Latka's life
we're talking about here.

If we don't
help the guy,

we may lose him.

So?

Oh, come on, Louie.

I don't want to embarrass you,

but if it's anybody you
sort of love, it's Latka.

Hey, John,
it's not going to work.

You're laying it on
a little thick.

No, he's not.

Latka's the poodle
I never had.

Bring on those cops!

Hey!
( cheering )

ALEX:
Get Latka outside.

Come on, Latka.
Under the cab.

Pretend like...

Hey! They're coming.

All right, all right.

Just be normal.
Just be normal.

JOHN:
I don't think
this is a full deck.

BOBBY:
Doesn't make any difference.
They'll never know.

They'll never know.
Officer!

What are you doing?

They like
to be called officers.

Did Mr. De Palma
come back?

Ah, yes, sir.
Right there.

Are you Louie De Palma?

Yes, I am.

We're investigators
from the Department

of Immigration
and Naturalization.

He's under that cab.

Louie!

You swine!

( shouting )

Mr. Gravas?

Come out, please.

WOMAN:
Taxi!

Fifth Avenue and...

( screaming )

I don't know that
intersection.

( door slams )

Hello.
Oh, hi, Latka.

We've been looking
all over town for you.

Have you been back there
the whole time?

( speaking native language )

Latka, now listen to me good,

because I've been thinking
about this.

I think you're just making
things worse by running.

( speaking native language )

Who told you that?

( speaking
native language )

No, I think it's
best that you
turn yourself in.

( speaking
native language )

Well, we'll try to
find a good lawyer

for you that can help.

( speaking
native language )

I know, I wish there
was some other way,

but I can't
think of any.

Well, Latka need...

"Woman."

Yeah, sure, that'll take
your mind off

your troubles
for a while, but, uh...

No, no.
Latka need woman to...

eh...

to... "marry."

To marry.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, if you marry
an American woman

they won't deport you.

You take tongue
right out of my mouth.

So, all we have to do
is find a woman, right?

Got any ideas?

Phyllis George.

Right. Phyllis George.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, it's my pal, Latka!

Hey, I knew you'd
get away, buddy!

That's why I was buying you time
when the feds came in.

We really put one
over on them,

didn't we, pal?

Hey, Latka...

when's the last time
I gave you money?

A long time, huh?

How about if I...

if I give you a buck, huh?

You like that?

You want to play hard ball, huh?

Well, how about two bucks?

How did you like that?

Money talks, boys...

( yells )

What, are you crazy?

Kind of wonderful, isn't it?

It never occurred to him
to just drop it.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Elaine.
Hey, Elaine.

How you doing?
How you doing?

Elaine?

Elaine?

Elaine?

Yeah?

Oh, Elaine...

Oh, Elaine...

( speaking native language )

Oh...

That's the sweetest thing
anybody ever said to me.

I think.

Hey, you want to tell me
what's going on here?

Well, Elaine...

you were just proposed to.

Aw...

No, really. They won't send
Latka out of the country

if he marries
an American citizen.

Yeah, Elaine, what do you think?

Are you guys serious? Ooh!

Hey, come on, we know how you
feel, but look at it this way--

it wouldn't have to be
like a real marriage.

Just a paper marriage.

Right.

You could get
divorced soon after.
Right.

I mean, you don't have
to sleep with him

or anything
like that.
Who asked you?

Latka, believe me, I am
very, very flattered,

but I'm sorry.

I can't marry you.

Please?

I'm sorry.

Please, please?

N-o.

Oh, boy,
we will be so happy.

No. N-o spells "no."

Aw, shup.

Hey, everybody!

I'd like you to meet
a new friend of mine,

Vivian Harrow.

( murmuring )

Vivian has agreed
to marry Latka.

JOHN:
Hey, that's great!

This one...

I found her...

Alex!
What?

You can't let Latka
just marry this hooker.

She's not a hooker.
She's a call girl.

Look, I don't like it,
either, but it might
be our only hope.

Look, it's temporary.

What day is good
for you, Vivian?

Well, I got part
of Thursday afternoon open.

Okay, Thursday it is.
Thursday.

Okay, Thursday.

Okay, but remember.

You said 15 minutes, I'm gone

I never have to see
the guy again

and no strings attached.

Right. No strings.
Come here. Latka?

I want you to meet Vivian.

She's agreed
to be your bride.

How do you do?

I love you.

Latka, talk to me.

Latka?

Latka, I'll make
you talk to me.

I'll keep saying your name
until you talk to me.

Latka, Latka...
Latka! Latka! Latka!

Latka! Latka!
Latka! Latka...

Louie! Louie! Louie,
Louie! Louie...

Latka, Latka...
Louie, Louie!

Louie, pull
yourself together.

I don't understand
why he won't forgive me.

All I did was turn him in.

Hey, Latka,
the big day, huh?

Hey, John, you're
a married man.

Why don't you give
Latka some tips?

Yeah, yeah...

Well, uh... Latka,

I think the most important
thing in any marriage
is communication.

( speaking
native language )

But it's not
absolutely
necessary.

( chuckles )

Hey, this is going to
be a weird wedding.

The line to kiss the bride
could take a while.

I hear they asked the vice squad
to give the bride away.

Would you guys
just cut it out?

I mean just
kindly cut it out.

I mean, we could try

to treat this like
a wedding, couldn't we?

You know, instead
of all these locker room jokes,

I think we should consider
Latka's feelings.

It's not a joke to him.

I love her.

ELAINE:
See?

So I don't know
about the rest of you,

but believe me, I'm going
to try to do the most I can

to make this the best wedding
two kids have ever had.

She's real interesting,
this one.

Hi, Latka.

Hello, Vivian.

Vivian!

Um, how about dressing
up for the wedding?

What do you think?
I plan to.

Oh, you're going to
wear a white dress?

A white halter.

How about wearing
my wedding gown?

Oh, sure, honey.

I've dressed up as everything
from Pocahontas to Darth Vader.

You want me in a bridal gown?

You got it.

Okay, great.

Now all we need
is a minister.

Hey, there's a minister

that hangs around
down at Mario's.

I'll go and see if he'll perform
the ceremony for us, all right?

ELAINE:
Hey, Bobby, thanks.

ALEX:
Good, Bobby, good.

We could get flowers...

Oh! Excuse me,
Immigration Officer.

I'm trying to get
out of your way,

Immigration Officers.

Hey, Bobby. Bobby.
That's all right.

You don't have
to do that.

No?
Latka's going
to be okay now.

Latka here is marrying
an American citizen.

It's not okay if he's only doing
it to stay in this country.

It's got to be
a real marriage.

Oh, of course,
it's a real marriage

I'm afraid we'll have
to check that out.

Mr. Gravas, we're going to have
to question you.

How long ago did you meet

this woman
you're going to marry?

"How...

"How...

How..."

Can anybody else
answer for him?
How..."

I'm up for retirement
in two years.

Yeah, I can.

No, let me.

No, I will.

No, I want to do it.
"How..."

Louie, I think
it's best that I do.
No. Mr. Richards?

All right, Mr. De Palma

Let's have it straight.

If you're lying to me,
you're committing a crime.

Is this a legitimate marriage?

Of course it's legitimate.

It's love, I tell you.

Latka's in love
with this girl,

and nothing can
change his mind.

Nobody could talk
to the guy.

I tried to talk him out of it.

I said, "Latka, she's from
the other side of the tracks.

"She's classy,
and you're just a grease monkey.

It'll never work out."

But he doesn't care,

because it's love.

Her family is
totally against it.

They threatened
to disown her.

In fact, they even went so far
as to offer Latka $1,000

to leave their daughter alone,
but he wouldn't take it.

And if that isn't love,

then I don't know
what is, Officer.

Thanks for your
time, gentlemen.

Not at all.

Whoa!

( shouting )

I want none of that stuff!

Oh, good...
No!

Drivers touching me?

I don't want
nobody touching me,

except...

him.

Aw...

Hey, Louie,

that was a very nice story
you made up.

You know that?

You mean about the family

offering money
to give up the girl?

Yes.

I didn't make that up.

That happened to me
five years ago.

Really?
That surprises me, Louie.

Except I changed two things.

The parents only offered me
a lousy 50 bucks.

What was the other thing?

I took it.

( murmuring )

ALEX:
Okay, everybody

let's take
our seats now.

Come on, just find
a seat anywhere.

Look, the bride's people
on one side,

the groom's people
on the other.

I know, it makes no difference.
Just sit down.

Okay, and stay there.
I think I'm
going to go...

I'm going to
go check on
the bride, okay?

Good, good.

Latka, you ready?
All right, Latka?
Listen.

You're each going to come down
from over there, all right?

Hey, everybody.

This is Reverend Jim, uh...

Jim...?

That's it.

Just, uh...
Reverend Jim.

Uh, uh, well, um...

He's going to perform
the ceremony for us.

Reverend Jim,
I'm Cabby Alex.

Listen, I don't want
to be impolite

but you are
a minister,
aren't you?

Certainly.

I was ordained in '68--
Church of the Peaceful.

The church was investigated
and cleared completely.

Cleared of what?

Why go into it?

It doesn't even exist anymore.

But I assure you, I'm a minister
recognized by the state.

Now, does anybody have a drink
around here?

Reverend Jim...

Reverend Jim, look

we'd like the ceremony to be
just as brief as possible, okay?

I'll do my best,

but I'm kind of out of practice
at weddings.

How long has it been
since you done one?

Always. This is my first.

Well, we'll try
to be gentle.

Thank you.

Okay, she's ready.

Oh, good.
Latka, you ready?

You know, it's too bad
we don't have any music.

Well, we could always...

( tuneless plucking )

( groaning )

BOBBY:
Hey, Louie...

Hey, you know...

Don't give me no guff.

Geez!

My mother paid good money
for these lessons,

and I thought Latka should have
some music for his nuptials.

( playing "Because" )

( murmuring )

Wow!

Oh, she's beautiful.

Thank you.

( playing off-key )

Louie.

You are very pretty.

Thank you, Latka.

Um...

we're gathered here today

to join these two
people in marriage.

The question often asked
in our time is: Why marriage?

The answer is hard to see,

but as obvious
as a heartbeat to feel.

We marry to have
a friend, a lover.

We marry to deny

solitude's cold hands on us.

We marry because
after all the other, uh...

alternatives
have been explored,

we still want to
and need to and must.

I bet you all thought
I was going to screw up,

didn't you?

Does the couple have
anything to say?

Oh, yeah, um...

Latka wanted me

to read you
something.

He stayed up all night
going through his dictionary

trying to translate what
he wanted to say to you.

So, here it is.

"Even though we just recently
have been formally introduced,

"somehow my mind tells me

that you will always be
a tart to me."

"A part of me."

"A part of me."

"And I know, even though
we not speak same language

we have the same language
of the heart."

Latka...

Do you take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

( speaking
in native language )

He does...

he does.

And do you, Vivian,
take this man

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

( repeating
Latka's response )

Um... yep.

This is heavy.

If no man here
has any reason

why these two
should not be married

by the power invested in me,
I do pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Thank you very much.

( whistling )

We will love forever.

You bet, honey.

Um, look,
I got to go.

Um...

I got an appointment
over at the Hilton
I'm late for.

It was fun, huh?

ALEX:
Yeah.

Thanks, guys.

Ah, you...

Hey, Latka...

Latka, don't take it
so bad, huh?

JOHN:
Yeah, don't worry, Latka.

There'll be somebody else.
You'll see.

I said we shouldn't
have done this.

Wait. Latka wants
to say something.

What is it, Latka?

No honeymoon?

No honeymoon.

Boy, America's a tough town.